10/20
Woke up and did some Microbio exam studying, the exam was scheduled for today at 3. I still felt like I knew nothing because I started studying around when mid-semester burnout started to hit me like last week. My research lab invited me for brunch and I figured I may join for some brownie points with the team. It was ok but I was too preoccupied with needing to study for the exam and finish my PBiochem HW which was really fucking hard this week. Another PBiochem TA hosted a recitation and I attended. It helped a lot with finishing the HW. Right after I had the exam and I was super nervous. My prof generally has us take the exams remotely with a proctoring service but I take mine with a testing center to get extra time. He provided a bypass code for the proctoring service since the center would proctor me instead. However we could not figure out how to bypass it so I had to take the exam proctored by two different services.
The test definitely had some tricky questions I had to double and even triple take, thankfully I did. I wasn't too confident when I submitted it but I actually did pretty well! I was very happy I did not do bad, my grade in the class did not go up too much but Ill take it.
I finished the exam, finished some other assignments, then went back to my apartment in the sudden rain. My roommate stole my umbrella because his broke. I told him to ask me next time because that was incredibly selfish of him. My shirt got wet so I had to change outfits for my date with that big girl from Bumble.
I met the girl at the coffee shop around 6PM. She looked exactly like her photos, which is good. We just talked about whatever really, the date was only around an hour long. I did make a ton of mistakes though, like I couldn't really physically escalate, I just feel like there was barely any chemistry. Being on the spectrum makes it really difficult to fake my emotions, I don't know how other people do it. Regardless I still said lets go back to my place. She pulled the "oh I am feeling really tired just need some me time, maybe another time". She mentioned going back to hers so I said "ok how about we go back to yours", again same excuse. I really tried to be persistent within reason but ultimately failed. I doubt I will see her again tbh.
I think overall on this date I managed to keep my voice lower and more masculine sounding, which is good. I managed to give off less friend vibes, but some were still there. However I failed to flirt and build any chemistry which then led to a lack of proper escalation. Ultimately I walked her back to her car and hugged her+a peck on the cheek.
I went to go get dinner then went back to my apartment, feeling a little defeated. I was really hoping tonight would be the night I lose my virginity. Maybe I was planned to but God got mad at me for being slightly ticked I can't get dates with cuter girls so he took away that opportunity. I still got two more dates for the weekend though, I will keep going.
I got back on Tinder to see another one of my likes disappeared and looks like it was that one blonde hottie. Welp I was pessimistic it was a bot anyways. I haven't felt the motivation to swipe on Tinder since every girl shown to me seems so far out of my league. I shot my brother a text just to talk and honestly I walked out of that feeling upset and unsupported. He was telling me I should just give up on Tinder. I told him I would try to fix my photos and fashion and he just hit me with the "focus on yourself bro" and says my situation isn't as fixable due to my location. I got really upset at that because maybe he is right, and maybe he is wrong. I don't know for sure. I have a hard time believing ZERO attractive girls would want anything to do with me, maybe less than most sure but it can't be zero especially since I haven't hit my full potential yet.
I told him how pissed I was he wasn't trying to understand my perspective. He didn't grow up on the spectrum or with ADHD. Sure he had some obstacles to overcome but I definitely had more to overcome. He said he is incapable of it since he doesn't have the same experiences.
I don't know if it is truly worth listening to him. He gets attention from 7s and 8s pretty easily now, but he doesn't fuck any because he is in this limbo of wanting intimacy but believing he should hookup with more girls for the "college experience". All this is stupid since he isn't getting either, plus he is simping over girls he barely sees anymore.
At this point I feel like I really am alone in this journey. Just seems like a lot of people think I am weird for wanting to go this far to improve my dating situation. I am called desperate and more made to feel crazy or stupid for wanting to get laid. Everyone says "oh just focus on your career and the women will come easy". That is some fucking bullshit. Girls won't flock to you unless you are a celebrity or crazy hot. We have to put ourselves out there where shit is fucking tough. Sure that advice makes sense for getting married but I want to have fun too, marriage is such a huge commitment and not marrying the right person seems like hell. My friends have divorced parents and its fucked them up BAD.
All that goes to say I am very appreciative of the community here for actually supporting me in my journey of going all in. A lot of people I initially asked on Reddit said I was dumb for getting a photoshoot, but here it seemed like unless you had experience a photoshoot was a necessity. Sure I did it wrong, I made lots of mistakes, but I can work with my photographer to fix them. I have been told a lot of things I did not want to hear, but they were things I needed to hear. Like upping my style and fixing my expressions. I was under the impression me just having good quality photos was enough to give me an edge but it seems as the subject I had more work to do. I have to truly give myself permission to suck, but then move forward. I was resisting because I wanted to believe I was doing a good job.
If I continued posting on reddit i would have been stuck in a pity party, it seems I may have to just stick to my guns and keep working. I can't let anything bring me down or make me question my goals.
EDIT: Brother is still being annoying about sending me the necklace. Which of these do you guys like more:
https://twistedpendant.com/products/gold-thin-cuban-chain-1-5mm?variant=32063845564500
or
https://twistedpendant.com/products/dragon-tiger-pendant-gold
Gold works best for my skin tone from my research.
