MAC BREAKS UP WITH HIS ONEITIS: L
So…..
What happened on Saturday was raw. We already know that. Link for those who’re not aware:
Sunday, my world was still a shattered.
Monday, I picked up a bit, but I was still in deep pain.
Tuesday, I had an orthodontic appointment in London. I talked to my boys the day before, and got a range of opinions on what I should do.
The forums opinion was: IGNORE, MOVE ON
I really liked what @Manly Cockfellow had to say. Forgive her, and see her for what she is, a struggling person like the rest of ‘em. This ended up being the best approach and as the evening went on, actually allowed me to do a lot of deep healing myself.
(1) SEEING L AFTER SHE STOOD ME UP
She’s actually early!
I leave my hometome at around 3. I get the train. It takes a while, there’s delays, but I get to London and have my appointment.
Because I am here anyway, I message L, tell her I needed to enforce my boundaries hence I ignored her, and does she want to hang out tonight. She agrees to see me. We jump on the underground . I get to where we agreed to meet at 7pm.
I’m bang on time. We’re actually meeting for dinner.
I’m back in my old stomping grounds, fucking Battersea man, where I moved in with Timmy.
I get off at Clapham Junction, and it’s a massive sense of nostaligia. This was where I did The Phoenix Project, this was where went ALL IN, this is where MAC was truly forged, through running through these streets approaching, through going on endless dates, through building myself up non stop for 1.5 years in London. I remember how hard it was at the start, I actually didn’t know how I would survive, I was living at a 12/10 stress level for months and literally at my very limits of my sanity. But I stuck at it. And change and growth came. And I became a better person…..So much nostalgia being here, man.
I head to the spot. I see L outside, vaping.
We hug. I wanted to kiss her, but I can see she’s a bit apprehensive. We instead embrace for quite a while, and this was nice, but just that little resistance she did show actually helped me a lot. Internally, I said “fuck this”. Something in me knew my attraction for her was kinda over – this was not how I want to be greeted. My FWB, Nerd Girl, never greeted me like this, she was excited to greet me. I knew, but as the evening went on, I learned A LOT more and it was necessary…..
We head in. Being in Thailand did her a lot of good. She looks beautiful, healthy, radiant, just stunning. I tell her this, and she does melt a little.
“You’re looking really good too, you actually look better since the last time I saw you, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is”
….That’ll be the hair transplant growth, ongoing fat loss, and mewwing gains love. HARD FOUGHT FOR TOO. And they will be for my future wife to enjoy, not you. ;-)
We chat a little, vibe a little, and then I broach the subject of Saturday. ”OK, Ravi, so Saturday was bad. How many times do you want me to say sorry about it? I am sorry, Now lets not talk about it” – I was taken aback by the surface level way she communicated, and so immature. I sat and watched, and just thought to myself, wow, this person is FUCKED UP. This is a 28 year old woman, who didn’t want to acknowledge and explain her actions, or even begin to dive into the issue.
I kinda told her more, and explained to her that this behaviour really was not my preference.
She listened, and understood. And she did explain she got it.
“Ravi, you have the most calming energy. This is the opposite of me. You’re so together, but I am so chaotic.
...Why do you like me?
She sincerely asked me this. This lady did not actually see value in herself, and she was not at the level where she could engage in healthy relationships, sex, or any proper nourishing human contact.
I explained that I actually do not like party girls, at all, and myself am not a party guy, do not go to clubs, do not like to destroy my health and function (I like dating and I like day game). Rather, I explained to her I tend to like girls who are quite genuine, caring, nurturing, and values-led. She did have some pleasant characteristics at times.
“I’m not a full on party girl, I’m a party girl who is about to go into retirement”
LOL
FUCK ME, the Red Pill – L is 28 and is now “finding herself” after 2 decades of absolute mind-bending sickness. I do not mean to judge her, I don’t know her full life story, and there’s a lot of degeneracy around in the world, especially London, and especially in places where she grew up, which are really the ends.
We talk more, and she is going on about her trip. I am sat there, and just am not enjoying her company like I used to. I understand, deeply and internally, OK Ravi, damn, today really is it!
We have dinner, we’re laughing and joking. She starts us off with a shot of tequila. She told me she was feeling anxious because she’d not seen me in a month. I was quite surprised. This shows you the level of neurosis this woman has.
In truth, L is a fucking MESS. And she knows it. I am SO SO GRATEFUL I WENT TODAY AND HAD THIS CONVERSATION. I needed to know this, see this, and have this experience so I can find a healthy, happy lady to be with man.
We talk more, but then I do want to properly and fully discuss Saturday, because I was holding it inside, and needed to express to her. She listened carefully.
-”I thought you’d be done with me” “You didn’t deserve that” “
She expressed how she is a bit “all over the place”, and she is surprised how someone who is “together, and running a business” would want to spend time with her.
I just listen, but what I hear is not the thought process of a mature, sensble, health adult. Rather, it is a surface level and childish.
She is super pretty, as ever, and I am gazing at her, really trying to burn this evening into my mind. I need it. I need to feel it. I felt amazing emotions with this woman, and also very negative ones, and I just need to have this memory to conclude this chapter – the fact I was able to do this, is actually amazing and a huge win.
“You were in love with her, Ravi. Just sit, don’t judge, listen, and build this memory – it’s significant. This is the first girl you’ve gone through this with”
As I am sat there, I just know man, I am so, so fucking over it.
HONESTY: WE AGREE TO END IT
I talk to her and just express, I don’t want a relationship, and can totally see she isn’t ready. I asked her some probing questions about why she did what she did on Saturday, and she told me after another drink she’d tell me the truth.
We kept talking. She had another drink.
She then opened up. She was quite emotional at this point. She told me she’d been struggling with depression since getting back from Thailand, took 4 days off from work because of it, and is just all over the place.
This confirms my theory: she was thriving in Thailand, feeling great, and then she returned, and her mind decided now she was emotionally healthier, now is the time to release the muck.
This is how it works and if you’ve read this log, you’ll know my own healing often goes this way.
I just grab her and hug her tightly for a while……
So much clarity came this evening.
In my opinion, L is a highly functioning alcoholic. I also believe she has deep issues with self worth, trauma, and at her core, she does not like and value herself. Men’s trauma can manifest as an involuntary celibatr lifestyle, which can be hard to escape from. Womens trauma can manifest in this pattern of hedonism, excess, and just endlessly searching for a high – lost soul syndrome, twisting in the wind.
POST-ONEITIS THOUGHTS:
After talking to her today, as the conversation went on, I just asked myself, dude, what the fuck? Like, the FUCK?!
Sincerely, this is a person who has a lot of problems, is not good for me, and even though I am not looking for a relationship right now, I had to just ask myself, how the FUCK did you develop deep, deep feelings for this person?
This was worth exploring.
I know why I felt like thast: I am very weak for when a lady does quite nice things to me. For those who read the 1st date with L, she did certain things that really did press on my areas that are susceptible to quite irrational bonding. I also felt lke this with DG (she was not attractive, very overweight, but was super sweet and nice and I craved her energy), NG did similar rhings to me though she was sexual as hell and a lot of fun, and then L I guess has been another significant woman in the journey but for far more complex reasons.
THEY ALL PALE TO THE LIFE CHANGING MOMENT THAT WAS LAY #2
The second that lady sat her gorgeous arse on that barstool my life changed entirely lmao.
-----
Frankly, Saturday was a shock to the system, and it did dislodue and uncork a tonne of feeling within me. This was necessary
And to then have the opportunity to have a proper dialogue post, was so insightful. I was observing her, listening to her, and just witnessing things that I found truly so maladaptive and messed up.
INTIMACY ISSUES: WOUNDING & DEFENSE MECHANISMS
We went on around 7-8 dates and we didn’t have sex. We made out twice, but she confessed today she really had to push herself to leave her comfort zone.
Even physically touching her was a major issue. In any way. She would have real flashes of fear and express a lot of discomfort. She explained today that this is just how she is, and if I talked to her friends, I’d learn that
Actually, this was her brokenness, her trauma.
People who arent sexual within 1-3 dates are those who are likely to be in need of deep healing. This is where I will draw the line next time, and just make it clear, sex is important to me and if its not for them we can split. This isnt because sex is that important to me, its really not, but it is important to screen out non sexual people because theyre likely a mess!
‘
BROKENNESS: RAIN IN THE HEART – HOW A WOMAN’S SOUL CAN BE THE ABYSS ITSELF
L is actually a very physically beautiful woman. She is just stunning, radiant,
But she does not see herself as worthy, as deserving, and hence, she has lived a quite toxic and sick life.
This happens to wounded women. I also got wounded in life, as a man, but I responded by trying to be great. Women like L do not do this. Rather, she just shrouded herself in alcohol, substance use, and put herself in the most toxic relationships you can imagine. Her stories will shake you.
Women like this pretty much just go for drug dealers, degenerates, and really fucked up people. Because deep inside, subconsciously, they hate themselves, and want to be punished, destroyed, and discarded.
Some souls are lost, and they WILL twist in the wind their whole life, this way and that.
L was a highly functioning alcoholic.
London is a lot of things. It’s a Great City, a place I came to love. And it is a place of excess, of extremes, abundance, scarcity, heaven and hell. There’s pain, there’s hedonism, there’s agony, there’s ecstasy. I experienced a lot here but also saw more of the human condition.
People are complicated.
When the waitress brought over our bottle of wine, I watched as Ls eyes just lit up.
“You’re a friend for it, Lou”
“I am Ravi”
I hid my disappointment and pain, this was quite sad for me to see. She is not even aware of her inappropriate relationship with alcohol. She uses it as a salve.
Every time I hung out with L, we drank to enormous excess. I am NOT a big drinker, I seldom drink. With her, there’d always be a full bottle of wine ran through, and then sometimes other drinks.
Virtually all her IG photos are of her drinking.
Many lessons learned her.
I am not a guy who does this crap. I like health, function, peace, and happiness.
“What do you want us to do Ravi?”
“We’ll leave it here”
She agrees.
“Shall we remove each other?” I ask
“We don’t need to. I would like to see how you’re getting on. I hope you smash it Ravi. I’d like to be a cheerleader for you”
She meant that, I could tell.
I told her I didn’t want to speak to her for a few months, she was cool with it.
FINDING & CONNECTING WITH HEALTHY, HAPPY WOMEN
I am improving myself aggressively, building myself into a FAR better product. With game, muscles, tattoos, and whatever the fuck else I have to do, I will be in the “YES” category for far more women, and importantly, will be able to bring in healthy, happy, great women into my life.
I sincerely have the potential to just bring in better, The looks are getting better by the month. And my comms, ability to just be social and charismatic, and overall vibe improved tremendously.
IN SUM:
It’s freakin 230am. Its mid week. But I needed this conversation and closure, man. I needed it. I went to the orthodontist, and then got the train to Battersea and saw L
I knew it was an investment of time, energy, and carried risk.
But I fucking needed it.
I learned so much more about her, and also after Sat, was able to see a more complete picture of this person.
She opened up and was vulnerable, which I thanked her for, and I really appreciated her sharing. It was useful to know she had been very low since getting back from Thailand, and she has been dealing with a lot of depression. She took 4 days off work for it as I said. This highlights not an insignificant level of mental health problems.
We’re not here to save anyone. YOU CAN’T. In this game of life, you have to save yourself.
Andy and Radical cannot save you, and they won’t do you the disservice of not empowering you to save yourself.
You HAVE to see things.
You HAVE to go through things.
I had to beat my AA. That enabled me to have social freedom, talk to people, and be charismatic. Beating that was almost a fulltime job man, I spent 1.5years of my life JUST approaching and dating,
I am no longer new. Lol. I am moving forward and success will come.
I had to have oneitis.
And whilst guys were clear, just ignore her, in this specific case, given me and L talked a lot, we dated for 4 months (no sex) and dude, for me, I needed this experience. Just being there with her today, I just thought, damn dude, this person has so many issues, is quite fucked up. Just the way she wanted to skirt the issue of her standing me up on Saturday, I was sat there thinking, dude, this is like witnessing the ramblings of a crazy person! This lady is deeply broken.
This was a fucking fantastic victory and for me, it just worked out superbly well.
If I didn’t talk to her today, I would have been left wondering, and having all sorts of weird thoughts
Now, I saw………..
This was NEVER a me problems
She was the one with resistance to healthy, happy sex
She was the one with resistance to positive, healthy companionship and physical touch
She was the one with trauma bonds, who has ONLY been in toxic and fucked up relationships that ended badly She has not been with a healthy, loving, powerful man.
You can be mesmerised by beauty. But it does wear off. You grow used to it. It means less and less.
And you WILL see behind the curtain.
What you see on the other side of that curtain may hurt.
But it is necessary.
Self improvement is the game of games.
I am so fucking glad I got to experience this chapter of my life. I actually longed for these types of experiences when I was in the dungeon of life. I wanted the human experience in all its hues, in the good, the bad, I just wanted to see it and feel it.
I am tired as fck man. Im writng this on the damn coach home. LOL
I am about to pull up to the coach station where my car is parked….
Untl the next adventure boys
MAC OUT
It happens man. I am a bit of a softie at heart, if you meet me, you will kinda see whilst I am a hustler, I am kinda a guy who does anything for his friends, family, and try to be a good dude. Much of it is my nature, but also, it is kinda the energy I want to receive myself one day. I kinda long for it. I will get there and keep putting myself right.
