Waves. This shit comes in absolute waves.
Been having a real down time with girls lately, for reasons out of my control.
Went on a few dates, second dated one due to logistics, hooked up with one in the van, passed on another. The girl I did hook up with told me flat out on the date she was emotionally unavailable. She had never been dominated before but really wanted to try rough sex and degradation. When we were done she praised how great it was and that no guy had ever been that rough with her, then she wanted to go, no cuddles, no second round. I walked her to her car, got a response to the I had fun text, then nothing ever again. Honestly, that didn't feel good for me, particularly not just chilling afterwards. Hello, its called aftercare and we both need it. Anyways, I remembered Holden writing about how some girls just want to experience real dominance once to check it off their list. I felt pretty cheap.
Reached out to Nurse Girl. Very responsive. Super glad I'm back. I mention it would be great to see her again. Zilch. Nada. No response. She's married and lives 2 hours away, so I had that against me and I know it's not me. In fact, I'm sure she'd like to see me, but doesn't want to say she can't right now for whatever reason. Still hurt though.
Been trying to get a couple other girls scheduled. One of them is the manager at her work, so everytime someone calls in, she has to cover or find someone to cover. Plus she lives 30mins out of town, an hour if bad traffic. So pretty much dust in the wind.
The other girl is a real sweetheart and seems very submissive. We were supposed to actually have a date before I left Austin months ago, but she got covid, and then she got nervous and flaked. I was so busy with other girls I barely noticed. She messaged me out of the blue on FL after she seen I was back. She apologized a lot, I told her she'd make it up to me by being extra dolled up on our date which she was eager to abide. Was supposed to have a date today but she had a legitimate family emergency and explained she reeeeaaaly didnt want to cancel and totally understood if I didn't want to see her. Told her to tend to her family member, and when her life is back in order, maybe we'll have a date, but she was really going to owe me and have to put effort in.
Then, within hours of talking with the above girl, Politics Girl and Bumble Girl BOTH texted me when I had been waiting on replies from them for awhile. It was wild they both texted on the same day.
Anyways, as predicted, Politics Girl had a reason she didn't want to get back to me. She gotten a boyfriend right at the time I had reached out to her and they were considering being exclusive. Except, apparently the boyfriend tested positive for herpes, so she felt she need to call and let me know, because I'm the only other person she's slept with this year, and she was only sleeping with me when we seeing each other. Told her I literally got tested when I got back to Austin and had zilch, so her boyfriend didn't get it from her... she's still waiting on her results. Anyways, she said she wasn't sure what her relationship status was going to be anytime soon, and even if things did end, she wasn't sure if she'd be ready to date anyone else, and also wouldn't want to treat me as a rebound. Told her I understood, I'm going to be in Austin for quite awhile, reach out when she's ready. Then she told before we ended the call to be safe and if I was ever in an emergency or needed help to not hesitate to call her. Still a sweetheart. Hope her test comes back negative...
Bumble Girl just returned from Mexico and is in Austin on for this week before heading off to her family's for awhile. She's really only free tomorrow night but not saying she's not too sure how she'll be mentally tomorrow and my schedule is already packed to the gills tomorrow with important obligations. Told her Wed or Thurs night I open. So we'll see if she can move things around. Going to suck if I can't see her, but it was only going to be one night anyways. Still, probably would have been a really romantic night and I sure could have used that.
I know all this will pass, and another high wave will come. This wave just really stung.
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I'm slowing down my dating in order to focus on some important business priorities and just clearing up some mental space. That said, I'm not stopping dating altogether.
I'm not sure where this trend in renunciation on the forums came from. I'm all for deep inner work and advocate it fully. We all know I've had my fair share here. However, I never became a monk while I did it.
As you can see from my post above, I know the feelings you're having, and it's easy to blame modern dating culture, then say screw it all. However, that just seems like a reaction, a pendulum swinging to the extreme in the other direction.
Sexual desire is a healthy and natural life force for a man. Personally, when I disregard it, I lose a lot of creativity and zest for life. I'm not happy and I'm not myself. I'm a zombie.
I'm not saying extreme hedonism is the answer either. You need to find your level of moderation. Just like you need to find what your values are and live those, not in reaction to the cultural whims of the time, but irrespective of those whims.
I've tried my best at charting my own course in relationships. I keep experimenting, despite long held rules in either direction about dating and relationships. I've had some amazing experiences that fly in the face of some of those rules, and I've been slapped in my face about the reality of some of them. Regardless, I keep inquiring into what I want, aiming for it, and trying to find a way to get it.
That's all I ask that you do. Don't follow the current culture, and don't rebel against it just because it is not working for you and so the complete opposite must be true. Chart your own course.