a trusted person who will always act for my best interests. Someone who I’ve learnt what to do and what not to do from.
I did not trust my father to act in my best interests when I was younger. He seems genuine on doing that now. I've most definitely learned the most of what NOT to do from him.
I see family is people I can trust with my life, assets, everything like I know they won’t take it from me and even if they do it kinda feels like it’s still mine? (Not sure if that makes sense). A tribe. I have friends that I feel this way about too. It’s like all their wins are my wins too.
Hmm. Most of my family I would not trust with my life or assets, either because of their malevolent intents or lack of responsibility or incompetence. On the other hand, I have built relationships with friends I'd call brothers and could trust them without thinking twice.
I also see him as a friend, I can hang with him, have a drink, go fishing and talk to.
My father and I have considered this dynamic before, where he's more of a friend. However, if that's the case 1) I curate my friends around me that are improving, he was not for a long time and 2) if we're friends then we treat each other as equals. However, that can never really be the case because he will always be my father, even if we try to mentally say were equal.
If you can speak to him relatively openly, and y'all don't really fight/argue, that's already healthy. If having the occasional chat is all you want the relationship to be, that's totally fine.
This is pretty much where we are at now. Maybe we could be more open with one another. I feel ok with the relationship, he's adamant he wants more.
He gives love by being there and supporting you
Yeah, he wasn't there and didn't support me growing up. So I learned to do without. Now he'd like to give that, but I don't need it like I did when I was a kid. I have lots of people there to support me.
I always sort of knew I wasn't made to keep in touch with everybody all the time, and that's okay.
Feel the same way.
My relationship with my father looks like this: I live far from home, but I’ll call my father on the phone every 1-3 days. I’ll usually update him on whatever is going on in my life and we’ll discuss common interests we have in politics/baseball. I’ll visit him and my mother every 1-3 months about. Usually we just go out to eat and watch tv when I visit. If I have a problem I’m very anxious about, I’ll usually ask him for advice on it and if I suffer an emotional blow I’ll try and get his advice on that too.
This is so helpful to see and is just wild to me! I don't talk to
anyone every 1-3 days, let alone my father! I talk to him maybe
once a month, but can go two or three and not even consider making a call. He will text about once a week and I will respond, but I never initiate texting him. I can easily go a whole year and never see him. I never ask him for life advice and he never crosses my mind to call for emotional support. In the past I leaned on my wife for support and now do so from my men's group if I need. However, I've learned to cope and self soothe and rarely ever need the support.
I have the same behavior with my mother, now. I used talk and visit her more often when I was in college; however, that was before she stated having psychological issues. She is a shell of the same woman she used to be. Her sister, my aunt, said the same thing when I visited her last week. It's no surprise I had a closer relationship with my mother as she raised me and I've grieved the loss of that relationship. I'm largely at peace with it now and just accept her for what's left of her.
The most valuable thing I get from my parents these days is companionship when I think about it. And not ordinary companionship, but companionship with people who genuinely deeply care about you. It’s a rare thing.
Hmm, this feels true and the benefit I'm not seeing. He seems genuine in caring deeply. I don't care as much, which I guess is the "right" way of things, being as he's the parent and I'm the child. However, I feel guilt for not caring as much.
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Mental Model for The Relationship with My Father
I've thought about this the last few days.
From what I can discern is that the benefit to me would be having someone there to support me, unconditionally (because the condition is blood), if I ever
needed.
Initially my reaction is that I won't need because I have all the support I need or do it myself. That's naive and I can't see the future. This is like an insurance policy for a need you
can't see coming.
(Which I fucking hate paying any kind of insurance... but I do it anyways because you can't see black swans.)
I know that any relationship costs time and energy to maintain. So how much of an insurance premium am I willing to pay in order to maintain this relationship?
For the two months I'm here, I'm visiting him once a week. I'm going over this Sunday and he's going to change the brakes and rotors on the van. Real fatherly/son thing to do. We are also going on hiking trip later this month and will probably have some open discussions along the way.
After I leave, I
think I can commit to calling once every two weeks. Once a week is too often and I'll see it as a chore. Once a month is not often enough because I'll just skip it and be fine with not calling him for another month. I can tolerate once every two weeks and maybe some day in the future, I may come to enjoy it.
I don't want to spend the holidays with him. I don't want to spend the holidays with any family, actually (that's a separate discussion). I don't really know if I could commit to seeing him once a year. That would depend on how my travel lifestyle unfolds, and I'm too early into it to tell. WA could be a regular stop, in which case I would make an effort to see him. However, I'm not going to go out of my way to make a trip just to specifically see just him. On the other hand, I could be open to him traveling to wherever I am and could commit to that occurrence once a year, maybe once every six months even.
I could be better about sharing more intimate details of my life and emotional landscape with him. I don't have a big desire to, but it would benefit him. Maybe one day I will get benefit from it, too.
My father exhibits needy behavior, and when he needs my love, he overwhelms me, either by texting a bunch when not in person, and excessive talking when in person. This will trigger an avoidant behavior in me and I'll ignore if not in person or go silent if in person. Instead of shutting down, I'll need to recognize my behavior in the moment and instead speak up to set and reinforce, multiple times, a boundary around this.
I'd like him to see a counselor, a therapist, or
someone to emotionally support him. I am open to emotionally supporting him, but only to the extent that I am there to emotionally support others such as my friends. I think he would like me to support him more and I won't do that. That's too much time and energy, it will drain me, and it will make me not want to support others freely. I did that with one parent already and to be frank - that's not a child's job. In fact, it's supposed to be the other way around, as observed by the responses of others above. He's got a lot of self work to do, years worth, the same path I had to learn to walk on my own to reach the state I am now. I can help him along the way, but it's not my responsibility to raise him. I'm not the father.
If I do find some special partners in the future, I'd be ok with them meeting him. I was hesitant originally with the ex-wife as I was protecting her. There are some family members that she has never met and we were together for almost a decade. He did ok with her though. He's a different man now. I think I'd be ok with that.
I won't be having kids. So no issues there other than having the discussion with him that he won't ever be a grandfather which is relationship fathers often try to rectify themselves with.
If we start this now, maybe by the time he's old and needs support, I'll be ok with helping him in this regard. I'm open to the possibility, especially since I won't have kids, as I will keep me in check from becoming completely narcissistic and confronting the fact that sometimes you have to take care of others regardless of your self-interest.
I think that largely covers it. Anything I'm missing?
I know this seems pretty cold and analytical, especially from the guy who's about emotion and empathy with girls, but as I said before, I'm pretty neutral and almost apathetic about this particular situation. It just is.
) on family.
