Accountability update III and little story:
Last post was about taking a 3-week break, it has been 4 weeks now, so back with a short update.
The three week job was extremely stressful so as I had feared, I had no energy to do drills. It was so stressful that I needed all the time since to recover. I was travelling to a different city every day, slept in a six-bed youth hostel room for three weeks and the work was talking to strangers all day in the streets trying to convince them to donate to charity which includes an insane amount of rejection and bad vibes.
For anyone reading my journal it should by now be apparent that I do not react well to stress. I have the psychosomatic reactions that pretty much anyone has like exhaustion and tiredness but I get them more quickly. Beyond that I also get a stress-caused skin rash (neurodermatitis), which is fucking annoying since it is mainly around the eyes and makes me look like a zombie. It is also kind of helpful since it is a pretty good stress indicator and prevents me from pushing myself too hard, which I tend to. When I look like a zombie, I am less likely to approach.
For the past week I have been feeling bad for not approaching. So beyond being stressed out, I felt guilty for that fact, which is pretty absurd and self-sabotaging. I should not judge myself for having to process and needing time-outs. The past 9 months have been fucking crazy and way less steady than the lives of anyone I know personally. I wrote my bachelors thesis, managed to find two fuckbuddies simultaneously, moved cities with all the social change that goes along with moving, started a new job in a sector I had never been in, quit the job because I hated it even though I was fit for it, started the AA program and already did most of it (=facing one of my deepest fears and undoing my social programming), traveled and had friends visiting me from out of town over and over, did the summer job which was constant travelling and rejection. My life is absolutely fucking crazy. It is not a surprise that this kind of unsteady and exciting life takes a toll. I will be able to finish the AA program, but at my pace. I need to be more patient with myself. FUUUUUUCK.
Next week I will be visiting some friends in the city I will move to at the end of the month. After that I will return to Cologne for like two weeks. I am hoping to "finish" the program (milestone day 46) within that time so I can start approaching once I have moved cities.
*Bonus story for the lads that read through all my thoughts:*
During the second week in the youth hostel, there was finally a hot chick in the six-bed room. I introduced myself to her, but she was super shy and wouldn't even tell me where she was from. Few days later on Friday I came home from work, made some small talk with her, and invited her to join me for dinner since I hadn't eaten yet. To my surprise, she was happy to join and we had dinner. Turns out she is 19, from Romania, studies at the Warwick school of Business (UK), and was too shy to tell me because it was her first solo travel and her crazy conservative parents told her not to talk to men she didn't know. We had a good conversation and she seemed interested.
The whole time I was contemplating on how to escalate and get more intimate. I invited her to go over to the area with couches so we could at least sit next to each other. Turns out it was all just single-seat couches with distance between them (fucking COVID). I should have just pushed two of the couches together but wasn't thinking quickly so we were still sitting very distant from each other. I simply didn't know where to go from there and so after chatting there a while I said "OK lets call it a night". I thought that I had fucked up my chance but when we went up to the room I noticed that on that night, we were the only two guests in the six-bed room. So I smelled another chance. She went to shower and so did I. When I came back she was still showering and I had some time to think. I needed to find a way to get us both seated next to each other on one of the beds. And then I found it. A disgusting shandy in a can was sitting in the corner of the room, some other guest had forgotten it. When she came back I showed her what I found and before I could do so she proposed to drink it together. She sat down on her bed and I asked her whether I could join her so she scooted over and we were sitting on the bottom of a bunk bed. We drank the disgusting warm shandy and chatted. She was sitting there in a very closed-off position and made little eye contact. I tried to loosen up the situation and we started chatting about music and eventually played some. I leaned back hoping she would too, but she didn't. She continued being very reserved and making hardly any eye contact. Usually at some point I put my arm around a chick but I was too scared given these circumstances. She had talked about the fears of travelling alone as a girl for the first time so I was afraid to misread signs and being the creep that becomes too touchy. After a while she said she should go to sleep. I took my phone, turned off the music and sat there for like one second. She repeated that she should go to sleep. I thought fuck, now I missed my chance. But I wasn't ready to give up yet. I turned to her and slowly leaned in for the kiss. She moved backwards with a questioning facial expression. I literally asked her whether I could kiss her. I have never done that before, usually was never necessary but the circumstances plus the facial expression made it appropriate. She said yes. We made out but she stopped me from further escalating and pushed me away. Turns out she is a virgin and not ready to lose it. Night could have been over even though we both enjoyed it. Instead I told her I wanted to kiss her again and she was into it, went back to her bed and we did make out. Took two matresses and put them on the floor so we would have more space than in the shitty small bunk bed. Cuddled a lot, eventually asked her whether I could kiss her tits after she had blocked attempts at undressing. She said yes. Turns out she has problems with being nude and would dress herself again after I caressed her nipples. Poor damaged girl. We continue making out, furthest I get is taking shirts of. At some point I ask her whether she has ever touched a dick. She said only with the tip of a finger, never grabbed one. Asked her whether she would like to. Yes. She is excited and does so. Ends up giving me a handjob. Much better than expected, probably because I hadn't masturbated for a week due to the stress and was therefore horny as fuck. She was super excited, talked proudly about how she would tell her friends that she kissed a German guy and made him finish. BOOM.
She wouldn't let me take care of her because she was on her period. I was uncertain whether that was an excuse but I think she wasn't lying, she was wearing a pad I could feel it through her pants. I explained to her that that is not generally a problem for sex, you can just use a towel. She told me she had tried toys with an ex but it hurt so they stopped. When she masturbates, she does not put fingers inside. She considered fucking for a second and even asked me whether I had condoms and which brand. Eventually she decided not to and said that for these reasons she was afraid of the pain and wanted to have her first time with a guy with a small dick. My dick is unusually big which I am pretty proud of, but this is not the first time this has caused problems (not virgins, but girls for which it was painful). It made me think of the article on screening game in which Chris talks about a friend who screened out virgins for that reasons. Maybe I will have to start doing that once I become good at picking up chicks and have abundance. So to all the guys who have an average dick: Having a huge dick is not without its downsides.
We made out some more and she claimed she even came while I was grinding and kissing on top of her. I have trouble believing that even though it sounded completely sincere and she was indeed super excited and into it.
We ended up staying up and making out all night until she took her train in the morning. Nice convos and a lots of insights into the psyche of a young and exploratory girl. Way too much to write up here, but just one funny one: She has commitment issues and doesn't want a relationship or a guy who is clingy or any intimate emotional connection. In contrast, she mentioned at another point of the convo that she doesn't like fuckboys. I think it's funny that she didn't notice that the guys that would be happy to settle on her terms ARE fuckboys. I think the "I don't like fuckboys/players/douchebags" phrase is kind of a thing that all girls tell each other because many of them have had their hearts broken by one and it has become so much of a phrase that it is meaningless and uttered without thought. Another possible interpretation of this contradiction is that she doesn't know what the fuck she wants. Evidence in that is that she was interested in my past sexual encounters and such even though she said she was just looking for casual stuff. She was asking all the "boyfriend-screening" questions.
I mentioned earlier how I was afraid to constitute a negative experience for her by misreading signs and being the creep that gets too touchy. I talked to her about this later that night and she said it was perfect the way I ended up doing it. I told her that she can make these things easier on the guy and more likely to happen if she gives signals back to him after he makes a little move towards her. Like moving closer to him, opening up her posture, making eye contact. She said she does not want to do that, she wants the guy to make ALL the first moves. That was pretty insightful to me. You can read and read and read so much about non-reactions being a green light, it doesn't sink in easily for me. This was practical learning and much more helpful.
Long story short: Be creative and persistent and take leaps of faith. If you get a lucky situation like this (only you and an interested hot girl in a six-bed dorm), go ahead and grasp it! Don't project non-reaction or interpreted rejection upon yourself. It is often just insecurity on the side of the girl. Try again later or in a different way. If she is still resistant, resort to questions of whether you may.
Holden said:
I did a sales job (door-to-door sales) as a uni student and it changed my life.
It's actually a guest-post from GLL (by BoyToy) that inspired me to do it. Just another way that website changed the course of my existence.
It was the very same article that inspired me to do that job. BoyToys own site is unfortunately no longer online but a lot of the stuff is on the WaybackMachine. Very good stuff, it is on a par with GLL.
