Day 30:
I went out on Friday to finish the nighttime drills. I am writing diary only now because my family was visiting from out of town Saturday and Sunday.
I had been scared of this drill for a while. Since the beginning of the week, the fear had been concrete because I planned to do days 26-29 Monday through Thursday and then day 30 on Friday, so the entire week was a buildup of anxiety and essentially part of the exposure therapy.
The drill was not much different than the day 21 drill, arguably easier. Instead of just squeezing 10 girls on the arm and walking off, you had to squeeze 20, saying “nice” 10 times and “cute” 10 times. It is arguably easier because it is much less creepy than just squeezing and walking off.
Day 21 had been the hardest day for me so far so I wasn’t looking forward to this. The fear was even more irrational than I am used to AA being. Sometimes recently I have had worse fears before going out than right a few moments before the first approach. Taking action was easier than I imagined it to be. This was the same in this case, but just amplified so I had been dreading this drill all week. Insane amounts of fear.
I planned to leave my place at 8, left at 8:15. I wanted to try a new street with bars so that I wouldn’t end up in the same place where the staff could recognize me from last time. Was there before 9. I walked around a bunch but most of the places were dead inside and only people sitting on tables on the sidewalk, a real Covid-phenomenon. I was looking for a crowded place where I could do it inside and wouldn’t be the only person walking around. The latter was an unrealistic and dumb expectation which I found nowhere, not even in the places I ended up doing the drill. Found a reasonably crowded place but it was a private party. Finally found another one after walking around forever but was too scared to go inside so I took a walk around the block and gathered myself. Went inside, but the place was completely booked. Due to Covid, there is a duty to assigned a specific place and they were all occupied and the barkeeper told me they’re sorry they have no space. Retrospectively, I should have at least squeezed a handful of chicks sitting nearby where I was talking to the barkeeper. I kept walking but the only other reasonably full places were full of middle-aged dudes. By then it was 10 o’clock and I decided to stop wasting time and return to the street in the center of the city where I did the drills last time because I expected the places to be more crowded.
Took a subway to that place. I hate wearing masks which you are obliged to do in there. But as usually, I ignored it, taking the risk of being fined. Sat down and like 10m from me there was a good-looking chick that was not wearing a mask either. Super rare. Have been taking the train every time I did drills and only met a handful of people that did that, never a good-looking chick. We smiled at each other repeatedly and I decided to go over and talk to her. I guess it was sort of a warm approach but I wasn’t direct or flirty, so nothing to be super proud of. But I wasn’t planning to approach at all that night so I’m happy I at least walked over. Made some small-talk about the mask stuff, introduced myself. She scooted over and I sat next to her. Continued introducing each other and making small talk. Didn’t ask but I would guess somewhere like 27 yo. I was only riding that train for a few stops so wasn’t a long convo. She proposed exchanging contacts and we did. SHE DID, WTF!? Got out, waved her goodbye, she looked very happy. Holy fuck that shit like never happens to me. And then it happened just on that night. The non-existent god of cold-approach smiled down upon me and boosted my ego in the perfect situation so that I could finish the day 30 drills.
My state was boosted. Walked towards the place I had been to last time. It wasn’t as full as last time but reasonably full. On the way I saw another place that I kept in mind to do further reps later. Sat down at the bar, ordered a alcohol-free beer. Got up and went to the restroom to clear my mind. I was planning to squeeze one chick that was sitting between the bar and the restroom. Came back but chickened out. She was on a 1-on-1 date and was seated 2 meters from me. Sat down and was unhappy about chickening out on that. About one minute later I got my shit together, took my drink in my hand, my leather jacket over my arm, got up, turned around, and started squeezing and complimenting. It was DIRECTLY behind me, maybe 50cm, a table of 3 chicks. As with all the reps I did that night, I stopped, squeezed, looked them in the eye and made the compliment. Stopping and making eye-contact were not required. Went to the next table, squeezed 2 chicks. Went to the next table (4 dudes 1 chick) and squeezed her. Went to another table and squeezed the chicks on it. Then walked outside the door and rested for one minute. Made some smalltalk with the bouncer. 9 reps done, nice. I made a friendly smile with every squeeze and the girls were either confused, amused, or bewildered. Went back inside. The table I had already squeezed a chick one had one more now, she was in the restroom before I guess. Squeezed her, then walked to a table in the corner and squeezed the two chicks sitting there. 12 “nice”-squeezes down. Nice. Wasn’t even thinking quick enough to switch to “cute” at 10 reps. Went back to the bar and sat down. I had squeezed almost every chick in the place, excluding waitresses and people sitting outside on tables on the sidewalk. Only the one chick left that I chickened out on in the beginning. I wanted to do her as well after a break in order to achieve the “major challenge” for the day of squeezing every chick in the place. I chilled for a minute though and then one of the barkeepers asked me to please leave the other guests in peace. I was like Ok sure. Fuck. I guess not doing the major challenge. The barkeeper didn’t say it in a harsh or threatening tone but in very friendly fashion. I finished my “beer” and asked the barkeeper whether someone complained. He was like “yeah. We don’t care but if someone complains then we gotta intervene”. Basically telling me that I could talk to chicks and do random shit unless people were complaining. I got my bet on the two chicks in the corner who had colored hair and were not giving smiling feedback when I did it. But who knows. I was in a good mood nonetheless. I wasn’t kicked out, it wasn’t really bad. The staff treated me well. The only downside to this is that I didn’t do the challenge and that I can’t do the next round of nighttime drills in this place. I like it because noone cares about masks which makes the approaches much “realer”.
Left the place and went to the one I kept in mind. It was not chill about masks so I went in with one. Walked all the way to the back. Stalled for 15 seconds, walking around acting like I was looking for my friends. But really I was scouting the place, looking for a good route to squeeze at least 10 chicks and getting myself mentally ready. Started off with a table of four chicks. Did the “cute”-version. Had to lean in between two of the girls reaaaaaly deep across the table to get the fourth in the corner. Then went to a table 2m away and squeezed three girls. Then squeezed a chick that was on a 1-on-1 date with a dude. Sorry bro, or not. Then squeezed three more and left the place. Almost all of the chicks giggled and one even thanked me for the compliment. 11 “cute” approaches down. I was in and out of the place in like 3 minutes and didn’t even buy a drink.
FUCK YEAAAH DAY 30 DONE!!
After that I decided I wanted to enjoy the nighlife and went to the park nearby where there are partys, illegal due to lockdown rules. Went in a big crowd and up to a group of four chicks asking them who was throwing the party. They didn’t know, it was just a random gathering. Danced with the group of four chicks. I asked them whether they were still in school because they looked really young but they were 19-21. I guess my age-radar is pretty shit. Wasn’t really aiming to get laid that night but would have been nice of course. I just continued making non-sexuall small-talk and stuff, the shit I have always been doing when going out. Of course led me nowhere. But now I am much more aware of how fucking retarded my past behavior was. No wonder I never got laid that way. Kept dancing until the party was crashed by the cops and then went home.
Now onto an interesting observation. By the end of the party, the rush of having the drills done had died down, the adrenaline was gone. Even though I had the drills behind me, I was still feeling scared. Like wtf, it was over, why am I scared? It was pretty much the same feeling as before the drill. I am fairly certain that I am not confusing it with stress or exhaustion. I had similar after-shocks after the day 21 drill, just not as strong. Very confusing. It has even lasted somehow until today, two days afterwards. I was so busy I haven’t fully processed what happened. I think my mind has not yet decided whether it is going to categorize this night as exposure therapy that lowers my fear of doing stuff like this or whether it will categorize the night as so stressful that it is basically a traumatic event that it wants to prevent from happening again.
Really made me think. I wondered whether I was in “too deep” into the program. But I really don’t think so. I finished all the recent drills well and some of them I crushed. I think the nighttime drills are a different category that is somewhat detached from the other stuff. They are such a step-up from all the other stuff. More physical, more creepy, other circumstances/nighttime, unequally harder due to Covid. Overall, the mental pressure of these nighttime drills is insane. I can guess why Andy/KillYourInnerLoser gives a guarantee that you will almost certainly finish if you manage to do day 21. It is a huge roadbump. It does not fit well into the otherwise slow and gradual progression of the AA program IMO. Maybe I’m wrong and this is just especially hard for me but I doubt it.
The nighttime drills are great though once you get through them. They really open your eyes to what is possible. Generally, nowadays, freedom is mostly mental freedom. This is no different in the case of social freedom. In order to be free you have to lose your fear of doing what you want to do and a major part of that is simply truly realizing how little repercussions stand on the things you are scared of. You can pull of so much shit without anything happening. It is fucking liberating. This is something you realize on many drills, but especially on these nighttime drills.
