- Joined
- May 21, 2022
- Goal
- Serve
- Age
- 30
Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action
So after the debacle that was my last lay and many of you pointing out the discrepancy between who I am and the inner loser beliefs I was still holding, I decided to return to some foundational material and reread No More Mr Nice Guy.
I read this ages ago when I first stumbled across the red pill about 5 years ago. Living with a single mom, absent father, yada yada yada (it’s here if you want to read on my background) I had some pretty hardcore nice guy beliefs. Rereading it yesterday, I was surprised to find that I had actually integrated about 50% of what that book had said and actively changed those things in my life. But even after 5 years, there was still miles to go in some areas.
Let’s take a quick look:
Approve of Themselves – needs work
I’ve written before about seeking approval rather than confidently who I am. I tend to think I need to be someone else before I’m loved. This year I’ve done a lot to work on this, but still have a long ways to go.
Put themselves first – needs work
Probably my worst category. I hardly ever put my needs first. I tend to think of the other person before even considering myself. Being selfish feels very bad for me.
Reveals themselves to safe people – good at
If I trust the other person, I’ve become great at revealing myself fully to them. That trust level has come way down as well, being able to be more authentic and vulnerable even with people sooner.
Eliminate covert contracts – work in progress
I stopped doing most of these a long time ago. However, I still do the “If I meet your needs, then you’ll meet mine.” but don’t explicitly state what those are.
Takes responsibility for own needs – work in progress
I’ve got a lot better at this. Great example was when I had microbiome issues and changed my diet to more carnivore and have separate meals from my ex-wife. She didn’t like that at first, but I told her I needed to do it for my health and there was no negotiation on that, unless she also wanted to eat what I was eating. But I still have room for improvement by stating my needs explicitly, taking responsibility that they exist. Then doing what I need to in order to fulfill them.
Surrender – good at
I’m pretty good at separating what is and is not in my control, focusing only on what I have control over.
Dwell in reality – good at
I’m also pretty good at seeing what the reality of a situation is. Like all of us, we do get blindsided sometimes, but I’m quick to update my mental models so it doesn’t happen again. I actively look at my shortcomings and identify ways I can improve them.
Express their feelings – work in progress
Most emotions I’m pretty solid in expressing. However, things like expressing my sexual desire or being aggressive are things I’m still working on. I’ve come a ways with those, but still have work to do.
Develop integrity – work in progress
If you watched the interview I did with Andy, being honest is big for me. However, that’s only a part of integrity. Doing what feels most right is also a part of integrity. I could use some work on that. Also not expressing my needs when I have them, is also fundamentally dishonest. Being something slightly different than what I am in order to get validation, is also fundamentally dishonest. I have room to improve here.
Set boundaries – good at
Probably the category I most improved on from the first time reading NMMNG. Best example was when my father asked to borrow money. He used to do this ALL the time and I had finally got sick of it. So one time when he asked I came in the room with the money and the book The Richest Man in Babylon. I told him I would loan him the money only if he also read the book and told me what he learned from it. To my surprise, my father took the book and left the money. I don’t know if he ever read the book, but that was about 3 years ago and he has never asked me for money again. A memory I will never forget.
Embrace their masculinity – work in progress
I’ve done a lot to own my masculine being from surrounding myself with other men, working out, doing challenging things, ect. Owning my sexuality, being bold, and embracing the more aggressive sides of masculinity seem to be the last frontier for me here.
-------------------------
If you read the inner monologue from this lay report and some of my actions, it’s clear I have two big sticking points:
I struggle with these because I have some version of the following beliefs running in the software. I don’t consciously say them all the time, but I know they are there.
Toxic beliefs:
I’m a pretty decent looking guy. I can learn quickly on the technical side of things. Can dress well, take photos, do all those things. I feel the biggest improvement I could make that would drastically change my results would be to fix this software.
So in spirit of KillYourInnerLoser , I’m going to do a 365 day project of taking one masculine, self-affirming action a day. The bare minimum for this project will to be do a set of affirmations each day.
I think that I may have done affirmations once before for maybe 2 or 3 days but thought they were silly brainwashing. Well, read the toxic beliefs above. I’ve had 28 years of brainwashing with those. I OWE myself to at least do one year of reverse brainwashing. I mean come on. It’ll only take a few minutes to read through them.
Some affirmations I’ll start with:
Now this is really the bare minimum. What I would like to strive to do are taking actions that approve of myself, put my needs first, express my masculinity, or build my confidence.
Far from an exhaustive list but actions might include:
Finally, let’s lay some ground rules for this:
I welcome any feedback or ideas about what good actions to take might be, particularly aimed at approving of myself or putting myself first as that is what I would most like to improve.
Without further ado…
So after the debacle that was my last lay and many of you pointing out the discrepancy between who I am and the inner loser beliefs I was still holding, I decided to return to some foundational material and reread No More Mr Nice Guy.
I read this ages ago when I first stumbled across the red pill about 5 years ago. Living with a single mom, absent father, yada yada yada (it’s here if you want to read on my background) I had some pretty hardcore nice guy beliefs. Rereading it yesterday, I was surprised to find that I had actually integrated about 50% of what that book had said and actively changed those things in my life. But even after 5 years, there was still miles to go in some areas.
Let’s take a quick look:
Approve of Themselves – needs work
I’ve written before about seeking approval rather than confidently who I am. I tend to think I need to be someone else before I’m loved. This year I’ve done a lot to work on this, but still have a long ways to go.
Put themselves first – needs work
Probably my worst category. I hardly ever put my needs first. I tend to think of the other person before even considering myself. Being selfish feels very bad for me.
Reveals themselves to safe people – good at
If I trust the other person, I’ve become great at revealing myself fully to them. That trust level has come way down as well, being able to be more authentic and vulnerable even with people sooner.
Eliminate covert contracts – work in progress
I stopped doing most of these a long time ago. However, I still do the “If I meet your needs, then you’ll meet mine.” but don’t explicitly state what those are.
Takes responsibility for own needs – work in progress
I’ve got a lot better at this. Great example was when I had microbiome issues and changed my diet to more carnivore and have separate meals from my ex-wife. She didn’t like that at first, but I told her I needed to do it for my health and there was no negotiation on that, unless she also wanted to eat what I was eating. But I still have room for improvement by stating my needs explicitly, taking responsibility that they exist. Then doing what I need to in order to fulfill them.
Surrender – good at
I’m pretty good at separating what is and is not in my control, focusing only on what I have control over.
Dwell in reality – good at
I’m also pretty good at seeing what the reality of a situation is. Like all of us, we do get blindsided sometimes, but I’m quick to update my mental models so it doesn’t happen again. I actively look at my shortcomings and identify ways I can improve them.
Express their feelings – work in progress
Most emotions I’m pretty solid in expressing. However, things like expressing my sexual desire or being aggressive are things I’m still working on. I’ve come a ways with those, but still have work to do.
Develop integrity – work in progress
If you watched the interview I did with Andy, being honest is big for me. However, that’s only a part of integrity. Doing what feels most right is also a part of integrity. I could use some work on that. Also not expressing my needs when I have them, is also fundamentally dishonest. Being something slightly different than what I am in order to get validation, is also fundamentally dishonest. I have room to improve here.
Set boundaries – good at
Probably the category I most improved on from the first time reading NMMNG. Best example was when my father asked to borrow money. He used to do this ALL the time and I had finally got sick of it. So one time when he asked I came in the room with the money and the book The Richest Man in Babylon. I told him I would loan him the money only if he also read the book and told me what he learned from it. To my surprise, my father took the book and left the money. I don’t know if he ever read the book, but that was about 3 years ago and he has never asked me for money again. A memory I will never forget.
Embrace their masculinity – work in progress
I’ve done a lot to own my masculine being from surrounding myself with other men, working out, doing challenging things, ect. Owning my sexuality, being bold, and embracing the more aggressive sides of masculinity seem to be the last frontier for me here.
-------------------------
If you read the inner monologue from this lay report and some of my actions, it’s clear I have two big sticking points:
- Approving of Myself
- Putting Myself First
I struggle with these because I have some version of the following beliefs running in the software. I don’t consciously say them all the time, but I know they are there.
Toxic beliefs:
- Its not ok to just be who I am
- I’m not good enough unless I’m doing something (achieving or helping them with their needs)
- I’m not important or won’t mean anything to others unless I’m doing
- It’s not ok to be selfish or self-centered, to have needs
- It’s not ok to be too ambitious, assertive, aggressive, angry, sexual
I’m a pretty decent looking guy. I can learn quickly on the technical side of things. Can dress well, take photos, do all those things. I feel the biggest improvement I could make that would drastically change my results would be to fix this software.
So in spirit of KillYourInnerLoser , I’m going to do a 365 day project of taking one masculine, self-affirming action a day. The bare minimum for this project will to be do a set of affirmations each day.
I think that I may have done affirmations once before for maybe 2 or 3 days but thought they were silly brainwashing. Well, read the toxic beliefs above. I’ve had 28 years of brainwashing with those. I OWE myself to at least do one year of reverse brainwashing. I mean come on. It’ll only take a few minutes to read through them.
Some affirmations I’ll start with:
- It’s ok to be you, without reservation
- You have worth.
- You’re not bad.
- It’s ok to be selfish
- It’s ok to put you and your needs first.
- There are others who are happy and willing to meet them.
- It’s ok to be ambitious, assertive, aggressive, angry, or sexually proud
Now this is really the bare minimum. What I would like to strive to do are taking actions that approve of myself, put my needs first, express my masculinity, or build my confidence.
Far from an exhaustive list but actions might include:
- Consciously asking myself “What do I want?” “What feels right to me?” “What would make me happy?” and then doing that.
- Consciously asking myself, “What’s do I feel is the right thing to do?” Then doing that.
- Asking for more money than comfortable with
- Cold approaching a girl
- Asserting my needs first in sexual interaction
- Explicitly stating my needs
- Buying myself something I need (actually pretty hard for me.)
- Speaking with my father
- Doing something with a group of guys
- Push my body in a new way
- Treat myself to a massage, dinner, movie, ect
- Working through the inner child work from the resource provided by Crisis_Overcomer
- Asking for help
Finally, let’s lay some ground rules for this:
- Each day I will post the actions I took that day. If they feel significant, I will add a short reflection of why I believe so.
- The bare minimum bar for success that day is to go through the affirmations, speaking them out loud to myself and posting I did that. Of course I’m aiming to do more but there will probably be a lot of days of just affirmations. That’s ok.
- During lay reports or significant actions with women, I will write up the inner monologue (as best as I can recall), delineated in green text, in order to see if I’m making progress on the software update.
I welcome any feedback or ideas about what good actions to take might be, particularly aimed at approving of myself or putting myself first as that is what I would most like to improve.
Without further ado…
