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Crimson‘s Journey to Self-Love

Crimson

Crimson

Member
Joined
Apr 2, 2021
Name
Brandon
Goal
Get Laid
Age
21
Location
Germany
On this forum I will be posting my progress in beating my depression.

Over the past days I‘ve been focusing my attention on the positive things that I’m doing in my life more, rather than pointing out the negative. I’ve already noticed a slight change in how I perceive myself, I feel like I like myself a little more.

I also started doing to-do lists for each day, so that I have something to work on daily.

We‘ll see how it goes.
 
Spider Jerusalem said:
Crimson said:
On
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@Crimson

Good luck on your journey, brother

Most the guys on here have been through something similar, so we’ll all rooting for you 💯

Regards,

Spider 🕷
Click to expand...

Spider Jerusalem Thanks, brother!
 
So I just want to open up about a few things, just to get it off my chest. This post might be a little long.

I’ve been feeling down for quite some time now, but it seems to come in phases. Some days I feel quite good about myself and then there are days were I just feel so hopeless. Today‘s one of them. When those days come I feel like I don’t deserve anything in life and that I’m the lowest of the low as a human being.

My goal right now is to lose my virginity through Andy’s Tinder guide and while I do feel like that goal is obviously logically achievable, I just don’t feel like I deserve to get laid.

I think a lot of it might have to do with a lot of guilt that I’m holding on too. I’ve done some fucked up shit as a kid and it’s still haunting me. I bullied a kid with ADHD in elementary school pretty badly. I remember him running away from me frightened and falling on the ground, followed by me stomping him repeatedly. Me and my former friends from that time also bullied another kid in elementary school so bad that the police had to get involved at one point.


It felt really good to type this all out though. Feels like a lot of baggage just came off my chest.
 
Below I’m gonna answer the questions that Andy wrote down in his article „What to do When You Feel Hopeless and Helpless“.



Why does Andy (and other successful players) deserve to get laid a lot, but not me? Why am I special?

I don’t see a logical reason why I wouldn’t deserve to get laid. The only thing I could come up with is that I’ve done some fucked up things to other people and myself in the past and therefore, being the bad person that I am, I don’t deserve to get laid.

But Andy did fucked up things too. He talks about hitting his former girlfriend, cheating on her etc, so my argument is not valid.


Andy was a total loser at the start, so if he can get laid a lot, why can’t I?

Yeah, I don’t see a logical reason why I can’t get laid a lot. I’m way better off than Andy was before his transformation, probably in every way. He was an even bigger loser than I am.


Am I just putting up bullshit excuses like these ones? (See Andy‘s article: “I Can’t Get Laid Because…”)

Yes:

• I can’t get laid because I live at home/don’t have my own place.

• I can’t get laid because I’m depressed.

• I can’t get laid because I’m autistic/awkward/weird.

• I can’t get laid because I’m a virgin/don’t have much experience.

• I can’t get laid because I’m shy/nervous.

• I can’t get laid because women are all feminists now.

• I can’t get laid because it’s too hard.

• I can’t get laid because girls might reject me.

• I can’t get laid because I don’t want to objectify women.

• I can’t get laid because I don’t know how to talk to women/don’t know what to say.

• I can’t get laid because women suck/I hate women.

• I can’t get laid because I’m too skinny/have no muscle.

All of these reasons are either not valid, or they can be fixed. Andy even offers solutions for each one, so I can just follow his advice.


Why does Andy deserve to overcome his depression, but not me?

I don’t see any reason why I don’t deserve to overcome my depression.

Again, I’ve done fucked up shit that makes me feel undeserving, but Andy did too. I’m probably (hopefully) not even a bad person, just a human being that makes mistakes.

If he deserved to overcome it, being the fuckup that he was, I probably (hopefully) do too.


Why wouldn’t girls like me? Is there really something wrong with me? Can I improve that or work around it?

Two reasons. Because I’m depressed and because I believe that I’m a bad person for doing the bad things I’ve done in the past.

I can work through both of these things though, by actively working towards solving these issues.


Do I want to feel helpless and hopeless? Does my hopelessness help or protect me in some way – am I getting something out of it?

Yes, in a way. It protects me from actually having to take action. I can stay in my safe little bubble and have an excuse to admit defeat, because it’s “not going to work out anyway”.


Do my flaws really mean no women will ever like me? Can I make up for my flaws by having some really strong, awesome strengths?

At least some women clearly still like me despite my flaws, because I almost got laid 2 weeks ago and made out with another chick just a couple days ago.

And yes, I can make up for my flaws by having awesome strengths, like my looks for example.


What attributes would a player have, that I don’t?

• Edgy style/clothes

• Abundance Mentality (Embracing numbers game)

• “Don’t give a fuck” Mindset

• Big Muscles

• Cool hobbies

• Killer Instinct


Can I work on getting those attributes?

Yes, logically I can work on getting each attribute that I listed.


Do I deserve to be miserable and unhappy? Why? Why do other people deserve to be happy, but not me?

Because I’ve done bad stuff in the past that I’m too scared to even say. But does that really mean that I’m not allowed to be happy, though?

A lot of “bad” people have redeemed themselves in the past and found the light. As a human being, I probably have a right to be happy, as long as I’m willing to work to achieve said happiness.


Am I destined to be a failure for life, or can I change that?

Fuck no, I’m not destined to be a failure. If anything I’m destined to win in life.

God gave me great looks and made my parents immigrate from a poor 3rd world country (Cameroon) to Germany, so I was born here and not in the slums. I’m extremely fortunate and blessed.


Did the universe/God/whatever preordain me to be a failure? Does that have to be the case, or can I rise up and change the course of my own life?

Again, if anything I believe that God is on my side. And if he isn’t, than fuck him.

Atheists/People who don’t have God in their life have been “rising up and changing the course of their own life” for centuries.

If God preordained me to be a failure, than he’s clearly wrong, because I’ve literally already had small successes when it comes to dating/getting laid.


The guys that are players – not all of them were players at the start [I – Andy – am a good example of this]. So they literally learned how to get laid a lot, learned how to improve themselves, learned how to lose fat, learned how to make friends, learned how to beat depression, learned how to overcome their negative thoughts… Can’t I just learn all those skills too, one by one?

Yes I can, one by one. Logically, this is all totally possible, there’s really no reason why I can’t get laid.

If anything I’m starting off in a better position than most newbies. I already look good, I’m still very young, decent social skills etc.

This all seems totally possible, as long as I take it one baby-step at a time.


Conclusion:

As I suspected, all the issues that I have can be worked through. There really doesn’t seem to be not even one valid excuse for victimhood.

I feel like a lot of weight came off my shoulders by writing this, but I’ve still got a long way to go mental-health wise.

All praise to the most high.

Crimson
 
I don’t feel like I deserve to get laid.

Interrupting a girls day by approaching her on the street or even just messaging girls on Tinder, I don’t feel like I deserve to do it. Pretty interesting considering the fact that only two weeks ago I almost got my first lay and a couple days ago I made out with another chick.

Walking around in public, trying to approach girls, I find myself having thoughts like these:

•Do I really deserve to approach her? She will reject me anyway.

•Why would she even like me? What the hell do I have to offer?

•There’s no point, I’ll never get laid anyway.






Why do I feel like this, though? It doesn’t make sense.

Why do I feel like I don’t deserve girls?

•Because I believe I’m a bad human being for the things I’ve done in the past.

•Because I believe I’m not “cool enough” to get laid.





Solutions:

•Because I believe I’m a bad human being for the things I’ve done in the past.

-Read “You Can’t Afford The Luxury Of A Negative Thought”

-Post on forums about your mental health daily

•Because I believe I’m not “cool enough” to get laid.

-Start doing some of the hobbies you’ve always wanted to try:

1. Skateboarding

2. Drawing

3. Cooking
 
Crimson, you're right to identify your belief of "I don't deserve girls" as the thing that's holding you back, but let me tell you the way I see you:

I truly believe the world will be a better place when you give many, many more women the opportunity to sleep with you.

Why?

Because you're already good enough.

Women are actually desperate for good sex with attractive, smart, healthy, determined, nonjudgmental and empathetic men like yourself (and like many of the men on this forum), and many women will happily sleep with you if you just invite enough of them to do so.

Somehow many of us get this belief in our heads that women will only sleep with a tiny number of super elite men, when the reality is women will fuck every type of guy imaginable as long as he has the courage to honestly express his desire for her (and she is available).

You're only job (besides continuing to build yourself into the healthiest, most attractive man you can be) is to go find which of the billions of women in the world right now are available and then have fun having sex with her, because when you don't give her the opportunity to sleep with you you leave her either lonely or stuck with some unempathetic sociopath who only approached her because his amygdala is broken!
 
Manly Cockfellow said:
Crimson, you're right to identify your belief of "I don't deserve girls" as the thing that's holding you back, but let me tell you the way I see you:

I truly believe the world will be a better place when you give many, many more women the opportunity to sleep with you.

Why?

Because you're already good enough.

Women are actually desperate for good sex with attractive, smart, healthy, determined, nonjudgmental and empathetic men like yourself (and like many of the men on this forum), and many women will happily sleep with you if you just invite enough of them to do so.

Somehow many of us get this belief in our heads that women will only sleep with a tiny number of super elite men, when the reality is women will fuck every type of guy imaginable as long as he has the courage to honestly express his desire for her (and she is available).

You're only job (besides continuing to build yourself into the healthiest, most attractive man you can be) is to go find which of the billions of women in the world right now are available and then have fun having sex with her, because when you don't give her the opportunity to sleep with you you leave her either lonely or stuck with some unempathetic sociopath who only approached her because his amygdala is broken!
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Lmao, because his amygdala is broken.

“Give women the opportunity to sleep with you”. That’s a way I haven’t looked at getting laid before. There are definitely a lot of women who would happily sleep with me, I’m self-sabotaging by not giving them and myself a chance.

“Because you’re already good enough.” Since I don’t really believe that yet, I guess the only way to convince myself that it’s true is by actually going out and getting laid. Thanks!
 
Can you message the kids you bullied to tell them you're sorry and hope they're fine?
 
Adam said:
Good job writing all this stuff out. It helps to process it. Regarding feeling guilty for the past and thinking you're a bad person: what's done is done and you can't change it - what you can change is your behavior going forward. Ask yourself if you are still the kind of person who would bully someone like you did when you were younger. Maybe look at what you did before and see if there's anything you can learn from it - what would you need to change to ensure that you don't do something like that again? And if you still feel guilty, is there anything you can do to make amends? I'm not saying you need to contact the guy out of the blue to apologize for something from 10 years ago, but maybe check up on him through Facebook and see how he's doing. If he seems to have a great life than at least you'll know that your past bad behavior didn't do too much damage.

If you're still thinking about something from your past then there's probably something for you to learn from it that you haven't. Instead of concluding "I'm a bad person", learn from the past and use it to make you a better person going forward.
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Thanks for the advice, I’ll see if I can find out how he’s doing now. And yeah, concluding that I’m a bad person is not helpful, there are better ways to deal with this.
 
hush said:
Can you message the kids you bullied to tell them you're sorry and hope they're fine?
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Probably, I’ll see if they have Instagram accounts etc.
 
Crying while typing this.

Alright, yesterday I followed the guy I bullied on Instagram and he followed me back.

He seems to be doing alright. He has multiple friends, he goes out and drinks with them and looks happy.

I'm so happy for him. This makes me so emotional.

I even still have a book that he gifted me (he wanted to be friends with me) in elementary school as a farewell when we went off to middle school.

The guy I bullied is alive and well. All praise to the most high.

Crimson
 
"This Process Will Strip You Down And Force Yo To Confront Your Real Issues". This is a article that Chris GLL uploaded.

Andy described his experience with this as well, he was able to approach girls after completing the AA Program but didn't for 7+ months because he felt unworthy.

He had to figure out WHY he didn't feel like he deserved to get laid.

I think I've reached this point as well.

I just almost had my Lay #1 AGAIN (See: https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564&start=225)

The notion that a girl would want to sleep with me out of all the other guys in the world is crazy. And this was only our 2nd date...

I understand logically why there are girls who want to sleep with me, I'm an attractive guy objectively, I'm kind, courageous ect. But I... don't believe any of that?

I'll have to ask myself the really deep questions. All the feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, guilt ect. - I'll have to face it all.

I'm probably not gonna do this publicly, but I might post a couple of updates on my mental state in this log every now and then.

I will of course still try to get laid during this time as you'll see in my Progress Log.

All praise to the most high, may he help me get through this. In God we trust.

Crimson
 
Suicidal Ideation

I think I might be suicidal. I don't know if I really am though. This is only temporary as I've only been feeling like this for the past few days.

I find myself thinking about leaving this planet for good. It's a quite comforting thought tbh. Gives me some escape. I just sit in my bed the whole day and consume instead of produce.

Anyways let's get to the practical stuff.
The way I'm feeling is most likely mostly caused by external circumstances.

School:

Down the shitter. I've skipped class like 6 times in 5 weeks. Yesterday I had an exam that I didn't study for, I literally wrote one page and proceeded to SLEEP for the remainder of the exam. I have a math exam tomorrow as well and I didn't study at all again.

Solution:

School performance is completely in my control, so I can fix this.


Getting laid:

I've spoken about my feelings of not deserving girls already. It all feels useless/hopeless. "No matter what, I'll never be a guy that gets laid.", this is my thought process.

Solution:

It's not as obvious what the practical solutions to this are, but it will definetly involve getting to the root of the negative feelings about myself.


No friends:

I feel quite lonely. I have classmates, but no one too hangout with outside of school.

Solution:

There are old friends that I can hit up.


Conclusion:

-My state of mind is in my control. I focus on the negative a lot, that is something I specifically CHOOSE to do, though. I can focus on the positive instead.

-My life is in my hands. What I do or don't do, is ultimately my decision.

There's probably other stuff I didn't mention that's causing me to feel this way. I don't think I ACTUALLY want to kill myself, though.

It's not so much that I wanna die, it's moreso that I just don't want to live anymore, if that makes sense.

Crimson
 
Hey dude, from someone who's been in the absolute hell hole of suicidal depression, my number one recommendation is to hit the gym consistently. Any kind of exercise helps, but gym is very, very rewarding. It will start to rewire your brain and lessen those feelings.

Obviously depression and suicidal ideation are much more complex than just hitting the gym, but any pathway to stability in mental health requires action.

The other thing I'd recommend is journalling - It's a surefire way to sort out what your mind is actually thinking, forcing you to put it into structured sentences rather than incoherent ramblings.
 
Drama said:
Hey dude, from someone who's been in the absolute hell hole of suicidal depression, my number one recommendation is to hit the gym consistently. Any kind of exercise helps, but gym is very, very rewarding. It will start to rewire your brain and lessen those feelings.

Obviously depression and suicidal ideation are much more complex than just hitting the gym, but any pathway to stability in mental health requires action.

The other thing I'd recommend is journalling - It's a surefire way to sort out what your mind is actually thinking, forcing you to put it into structured sentences rather than incoherent ramblings.
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Thank you for the practical advice. I’ve actually been quitting on the gym for the last couple days because I’ve been feeling this way. Ironic considering it would help me. I will go tomorrow.

And I will buy a journal tomorrow as well, I totally get what you’re saying about how it helps to process your thoughts.

Crimson
 
Crimson said:
Thank you for the practical advice. I’ve actually been quitting on the gym for the last couple days because I’ve been feeling this way. Ironic considering it would help me. I will go tomorrow.

And I will buy a journal tomorrow as well, I totally get what you’re saying about how it helps to process your thoughts.

Crimson
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Yeah man, use the gym as an outlet for all your negative feelings. Anger and frustration can be used as tools to drive your workouts, and it will reduce those feelings in the process. The biggest thing with this is keeping consistent. Make sure you have some fitness goals laid out and a plan to get there. Get a personal trainer if you're lost.

Other things to look at are diet and sleep routing. Gym, diet and sleep are the three fundamental pillars to good mental health.

Another really good practice is waking up at the same time every day. There are studies done on this that show it's one of the most effective ways to reduce depression.

And with journalling, be as honest with yourself as you possibly can. Later on you can start incorporating things you're reading. I recommend "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius for stoicism, but if you want some Red Pill material, there's tonnes out there too, ie. "The Rational Male".
 
Drama said:
Crimson said:
Thank you for the practical advice. I’ve actually been quitting on the gym for the last couple days because I’ve been feeling this way. Ironic considering it would help me. I will go tomorrow.

And I will buy a journal tomorrow as well, I totally get what you’re saying about how it helps to process your thoughts.

Crimson
Click to expand...

Yeah man, use the gym as an outlet for all your negative feelings. Anger and frustration can be used as tools to drive your workouts, and it will reduce those feelings in the process. The biggest thing with this is keeping consistent. Make sure you have some fitness goals laid out and a plan to get there. Get a personal trainer if you're lost.

Other things to look at are diet and sleep routing. Gym, diet and sleep are the three fundamental pillars to good mental health.

Another really good practice is waking up at the same time every day. There are studies done on this that show it's one of the most effective ways to reduce depression.

And with journalling, be as honest with yourself as you possibly can. Later on you can start incorporating things you're reading. I recommend "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius for stoicism, but if you want some Red Pill material, there's tonnes out there too, ie. "The Rational Male".
Click to expand...

Thanks, I went to the gym yesterday, it’s such a great way to let out your resentment etc.
My sleep schedule is messed up, I can’t remember the last time I had 8 or even 7 hours of sleep.

I will started journaling today as well. As of right now, I’m reading “You Can’t Afford The Luxury Of A Negative Thought”, but I will add “Meditations” and “The Rational Male” to the list.

Crimson
 
https://youtu.be/SQhOKXB76e0

This is a guy who has also struggled with his mental health, and what worked for him is practicing mindfulness.

If you like his YouTube video on mindfulness I'd recommend his skillshare class as well (it's only about 20-30 min and is free if you cancel your subscription after watching).

And definitely keep reading You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.
 
Manly Cockfellow said:
https://youtu.be/SQhOKXB76e0

This is a guy who has also struggled with his mental health, and what worked for him is practicing mindfulness.

If you like his YouTube video on mindfulness I'd recommend his skillshare class as well (it's only about 20-30 min and is free if you cancel your subscription after watching).

And definitely keep reading You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the recommendation, I’ve actually watched a couple of his videos, I’ll watch this one right now. And I will keep reading the book, it’s so eye-opening.
 
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