Crimson‘s Journey to Self-Love

[Crimson]

Self-Harm

I’ve just hurt myself, I cut my left forearm with a razor (very shallow) and then hit that spot repeatedly. It started bleeding a little and is now a bit swollen.

The point of this post is probably to get pity and attention, but I’ll post it anyway as it’s better to tell someone rather than no one.

I never really thought I would cut myself, though. I’ve hit myself before but no cutting. I would see Self-Harm scars on the internet and would wonder why you would do something Iike that.

But the pain gave me an euphoric feeling, I felt alive and better during and after doing it. I can definitely see how it becomes a routine for people now, the pain is a huge relief (like a high), I’m really craving more of it (I was crying soon after though, so it’s obviously only temporary).



Anyways, I might open up to my school counselor about this (and skipping school, suicidal ideation ect.) I’m quite scared and embarrassed though.

So at the very least what I’ll do today is lend out a book from the local library about learning CBT for dummies and post it as proof.


Crimson

 

[Squilliam]

Anyways, I might open up to my school counselor about this (and skipping school, suicidal ideation ect.) I’m quite scared and embarrassed though.

Do not tell them you are suicidal. You could get hospitalized. Or at the very least, make it very clear that you don't actually intend to follow through. I'd suggest you focus talking about the problems that lead you here in the first place.

Not sure how things work in Germany, but in the US, certain people (therapists, counselors, etc) have a legal obligation to report suicidal people to emergency services. However, I think this generally applies more to imminent threats. If you were to just say, "Sometimes I think about suicide", that probably wouldn't be enough. If you said, "I'm going to kill myself tomorrow", then you'll definitely get sent to a hospital.

I speak from experience, I spent 4 days in a psych hospital when I was 19.

 

[Crimson]

Anyways, I might open up to my school counselor about this (and skipping school, suicidal ideation ect.) I’m quite scared and embarrassed though.

Do not tell them you are suicidal. You could get hospitalized. Or at the very least, make it very clear that you don't actually intend to follow through. I'd suggest you focus talking about the problems that lead you here in the first place.

Not sure how things work in Germany, but in the US, certain people (therapists, counselors, etc) have a legal obligation to report suicidal people to emergency services. However, I think this generally applies more to imminent threats. If you were to just say, "Sometimes I think about suicide", that probably wouldn't be enough. If you said, "I'm going to kill myself tomorrow", then you'll definitely get sent to a hospital.

I speak from experience, I spent 4 days in a psych hospital when I was 19.

Ok, thank you for the info. I won’t be so explicit about it, I’m not really trying to end up in a hospital either.

 

[Crimson]

Just got the book:

 

[Red]

Self-Harm

Man first of all good luck overcoming this stuff.

Just one quick question. Have you ever checked your micronutrients and especially vitamin D levels? Might be worth it.

Also for me I feel like total shit after some big dopamine binge like watching porn. Be aware of that.

I am rooting for you and hope this will have a good ending.

Red

 

[Crimson]

Self-Harm

Man first of all good luck overcoming this stuff.

Just one quick question. Have you ever checked your micronutrients and especially vitamin D levels? Might be worth it.

Also for me I feel like total shit after some big dopamine binge like watching porn. Be aware of that.

I am rooting for you and hope this will have a good ending.

Red

Thank you and a year ago I got my blood tested (if that’s what you mean) during a suicidal episode, but everything came back normal. That was a year ago though, so perhaps I should do it again.

As for the porn, yeah definitely, I’m struggling with that a lot and I do feel better when I’m not jerking off, this could have something to do with my current state.

Thank you for your advice.

 

[goldfish]

Sorry about the self-harm stuff. For what it's worth you'll get through this eventually.

I'd recommend putting a full bottle of water in your freezer and keep it there. When you feel very intense emotions and want to cut yourself, grab that frozen bottle of water and put it on your head for a couple of seconds. This does one of two things: a) snaps you out of it because of the new "shocking" stimulus b) the act of getting up and doing something with the intention of stopping yourself from cutting can also snap you out of it

I also recommend learning some breathing exercises to calm yourself down during moments when you're feeling a lot of intense emotions. The one I do is to take a deep breath for the count of 3, hold it for 4, then exhale for 4. This might not help that much at first, but eventually you'll wire your brain to take a pause and calm down just by initiating this breathing exercise. This takes some practice though so keep at it

 

[natedawg]

This isn’t a simple matter, so I don’t have much to contribute. I’m rooting for you, brother.

 

[Crimson]

Sorry about the self-harm stuff. For what it's worth you'll get through this eventually.

I'd recommend putting a full bottle of water in your freezer and keep it there. When you feel very intense emotions and want to cut yourself, grab that frozen bottle of water and put it on your head for a couple of seconds. This does one of two things: a) snaps you out of it because of the new "shocking" stimulus b) the act of getting up and doing something with the intention of stopping yourself from cutting can also snap you out of it

I also recommend learning some breathing exercises to calm yourself down during moments when you're feeling a lot of intense emotions. The one I do is to take a deep breath for the count of 3, hold it for 4, then exhale for 4. This might not help that much at first, but eventually you'll wire your brain to take a pause and calm down just by initiating this breathing exercise. This takes some practice though so keep at it

Alright, thank you for the advice. I’ll post the fully frozen bottle on here today, for accountability, I’ll do the breathing exercise today as well.

 

[Crimson]

This isn’t a simple matter, so I don’t have much to contribute. I’m rooting for you, brother.

Thank you, I’ll get through this eventually.

 

[Crimson]

Hey mate, good on you for opening up about this, I love how courageous you've been. A lot of people wouldn't have made the post you made; takes balls.

"I’m quite scared and embarrassed though."

Hey, that's ok. I'd probably be feeling the same way. We're all here for you, so keep posting, keep sharing, and most importantly keep taking action (looks like you've already been doing that). One of my current coaching clients overcame his own self-harm stuff; I'll get him to reach out to you and offer you some (free) coaching if you want to talk. I'm also here if you want to talk to me - right now I'm still offering those $150 30min calls, but I'll do it for you for $50 USD (let me know if you can't afford even that, and we'll figure something out). I'm happy to talk about it; I've coached a few guys who self-harmed (Imogen also self-harmed for a long time with her bulimia and other things). Might make you feel better to talk about it with people who definitely won't judge you. If that's something you want, send me a DM.

Either way - if not me, definitely take up my coaching client on his free coaching offer when he reaches out to you. Either way, you're ok mate. Everything is ok, I promise.

Book recommendation for you: Loving What Is by Byron Katie. Read it as soon as you finish You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.
After that, I agree Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is a great read. I wouldn't necessarily recommend The Rational Male next; it's a solid book, just isn't a happy, feel-good motivating book, and I can't really agree with a lot of his mindset on women. Still worth reading; maybe just not as a priority right now.

Thank you so much, Andy. I would love to get on a coaching call with you’re coaching client and you.

I’ll definitely answer him once he reaches out to me, I’ll send you a DM about you’re 30 min. coaching call today as well, thank you very much for lowering the price, I for sure have $50 USD.

As for the books, I’ll do as you said and finish YCATLOAT first and then move on to Byron Katie.

 

[Thrice]

I’ve just hurt myself, I cut my left forearm with a razor (very shallow) and then hit that spot repeatedly. It started bleeding a little and is now a bit swollen.

This is a symptom of borderline personality disorder

 

[Crimson]

When we do the call, bring the big list of answers you wrote (this one: http://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=41726&sid=7721289a8e96955b011a9a7a69a7f3a2#p41726 )

Bring that to the call, we'll talk through all of it. I'm fine with it being more than 30 mins mate, it's probably gonna go a lot longer than that. I'm looking forward to chatting with you.

Alright, I will bring that list, I’ve just message you. Again, thank you so much.

I’m looking forward to the call as well.

 

[Crimson]

I’ve just hurt myself, I cut my left forearm with a razor (very shallow) and then hit that spot repeatedly. It started bleeding a little and is now a bit swollen.

This is a symptom of borderline personality disorder

Interesting, I guess I can’t know if I have it until I got diagnosed for it.

 

[Crimson]

goldfish, you’re advice came in clutch today.

I got an intense urge to cut myself (or at least hit myself) today, but then I remembered the frozen bottle.

I was right by the refrigerator at that moment, so I grabbed the bottle and put it on my head. After that I did the breathing exercise you’ve told me about.

The urge didn’t completely go away, but I didn’t end up hurting myself, thank you.


Here’s the frozen bottle btw:

 

[Drama]

Self-Harm

Mate, I'm really, really sorry to hear about this.

I don't have much advice to give and I don't think any advice from us here on the internet will really help. You need to get professional help.

All I can say is that those who know the darkest depths of hell appreciate the beauty of heaven when they see it.

 

[Crimson]

Self-Harm

Mate, I'm really, really sorry to hear about this.

I don't have much advice to give and I don't think any advice from us here on the internet will really help. You need to get professional help.

All I can say is that those who know the darkest depths of hell appreciate the beauty of heaven when they see it.

Thank you man, Did a coaching call with the coaching client of Andy and I have one with Andy coming up as well.

 

[Crimson]

Coaching Call #1 (With the Coaching Client of Andy)

I’m finally coming around to posting the lessons I’ve learned in the first coaching call (This was a week and a half ago):

•Acknowledge/Adress the root cause behind your Self-Harming.

•Don’t be too hard on yourself regarding the deadline of your goals.

•You only fail when you quit.

•Reframe the deadline of your goal not as a day of failure (if you don’t achieve your goal) but as a opportunity to reflect on your progress so far.

•Regarding the days where you do nothing at all: Ask yourself if you had the intention of doing something. As long as that intention is there, you’ve made progress, even if it’s only psychological.

•You don’t have to fix your mental-health completely. Remember GLL: You just have to get to that above-average level and that will be enough.

•Use the slight-edge: If there is an action that you want to take that you feel overwhelmed by, ask yourself: „Can I do this?“. If the answer is yes, ask yourself: „WILL I do this?“, If the answer is no, break that action down until you also answer that question with a yes.

•You are allowed to change your goals (This doesn’t make you a hypocrite), as long as you’re working on SOMETHING.

•Relax, you will eventually get laid (Remember GLL).




A lot of this seems to boil down too: „Don’t be too hard on yourself.“ (Feel free to correct me if I haven’t interpreted this correctly). This shows me that I haven’t been my greatest ally.

I will post this both in my progress log as well as in my mental-health log, as these lessons are both dating and mental-health related.


Crimson

 

[Crimson]

What I did today:

Read a couple Pages of that book about learning CBT. I’m at the part right now where they’re explaining what CBT actually is and why it’s often used by therapists.

The book describes CBT‘s Motto as: „The way you think, is the way you feel“.

Meaning, if I can change my thinking for the better, I will start to feel better as well. I haven’t gotten to the part in the book where the explain how to do that yet though.




Regarding my mental health, I’m really struggling. Kinda feels like I’m going insane. I’ve relapsed on cutting and hitting, but nothing crazy. It also seems as though I’m kinda enjoying the downward spiral my life is taking right now.

I’ve said that I might need to get professional help in my progress log as well, I will have that coaching call with Andy first though.

I don’t want to be a victim, but throwing my hands up in the air and screaming „I’m depressed, and I’m this and I’m that, so I can’t change for the better!“ is very tempting. Especially considering the fact that it frees you from all responsibility.

I’m not planning on acting this way, it’s just a fantasy. Taking control of my life, overcoming my mental issues and going on to have the sex life of my dreams makes for a way cooler story anyways.

Note:

I’ve started drawing and making music as an outlet for negative feelings/Self-Harm urges ect. I’m not doing it as consistently as I would like, but I’m doing it. Drawing below (doesn’t exactly scream hopefulness, but I guess it’s a form of self-expression)


Note 2:

Made a key chain based on Sisyphos (Greek mythology). For those that don’t know, he was punished by the Gods to push a boulder up a hill, but everytime he’s about to reach the top, the boulder rolls back down and he has to do it all over again. For eternity.

I like to believe that he somehow found meaning in this seemingly meaningless, futile activity. That’s what I want to be like. No matter how meaningless life seems, I want to keep walking up the hill.

TAKE ACTION

Crimson

 

[klondike]

In addition to joining the rest of the guys here in wishing you well, I want to say you have a very interest ing hand! Very good, sharp lines for someone unpracticed. You should definitely pursue this further.