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Crimson‘s Journey to Self-Love
- Thread starter Crimson
- Start date
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
Had a rest day today. Andy advocates for that, having a day of the week where you just chill out. Mine will be Sunday (God rested on the 7th day as well, so I’d like to do the same thing). There’s a difference between „chilling out“ and being unproductive though, which is what I did (as in just laying on the couch watching YouTube).
I’ve been thinking about my inability to do simple things. Go to school, brush my teeth, shower, clean my room, study, send out my resume ect.
Just the basic stuff that you need to do to function in society (as a student). I don’t want to make myself seem special and I recognize that a lot of people deal with these issues but is it really normal?
Only way to find out is to get professional help.
Things I’ll do tomorrow regarding this issue (posting this for accountability):
-Talk to school counselor (specifically about me skipping school and my current bad grades)
-Make an appointment with my doctor
Crimson
I’ve been thinking about my inability to do simple things. Go to school, brush my teeth, shower, clean my room, study, send out my resume ect.
Just the basic stuff that you need to do to function in society (as a student). I don’t want to make myself seem special and I recognize that a lot of people deal with these issues but is it really normal?
Only way to find out is to get professional help.
Things I’ll do tomorrow regarding this issue (posting this for accountability):
-Talk to school counselor (specifically about me skipping school and my current bad grades)
-Make an appointment with my doctor
Crimson
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
From furious to sobbing
This just happened, thought I’d share this because it’s pretty sad but comical at the same time.
Just chilling in my bed and writing the post above. Writing it makes me think about how I wasn’t that productive today and how I’m seemingly unable to do simple things. This spirals into me getting angry. Then furious.
I jump up off the bed and start screaming silently. I scream„What the fuck is happening?!“, „Why am I like this?“ while walking up and down my room. I then start looking for my razor (can’t find it). I finally realize what’s happening and stop myself.
In that short moment of self-awareness I realize I‘m currently not in control of my emotions whatsoever.
„I was just chilling in my bed, why am I so angry now?! This doesn’t make any sense! Shut the fuck up and stop talking to me! (Talking to my forearm???) Why the fuck is it so hot in here?! (*turns heater down*)“
I sit down on the edge of my bed and breathe deeply. „I’m in control, I’m in control… (*feels rage building up*), I’m not in control at all, wtf?! (*hits forearm twice*). „AAAAAAAAAHHHH FUCK“.
I stand up, walk around a bit while being angry and then I just start… sobbing uncontrollably? I can‘t even tell you why I started crying, it literally just happened. From extremely angry to extremely sad. After I’m done crying I feel fine again. Or at least way better, but still kinda sad.
It’s so crazy to me because I literally switched emotions from one second to the next. All anger left me within one second and turned into extreme sadness. I started crying before I could even realize that I was sad, like there was a disconnect. Very weird experience.
Crimson
This just happened, thought I’d share this because it’s pretty sad but comical at the same time.
Just chilling in my bed and writing the post above. Writing it makes me think about how I wasn’t that productive today and how I’m seemingly unable to do simple things. This spirals into me getting angry. Then furious.
I jump up off the bed and start screaming silently. I scream„What the fuck is happening?!“, „Why am I like this?“ while walking up and down my room. I then start looking for my razor (can’t find it). I finally realize what’s happening and stop myself.
In that short moment of self-awareness I realize I‘m currently not in control of my emotions whatsoever.
„I was just chilling in my bed, why am I so angry now?! This doesn’t make any sense! Shut the fuck up and stop talking to me! (Talking to my forearm???) Why the fuck is it so hot in here?! (*turns heater down*)“
I sit down on the edge of my bed and breathe deeply. „I’m in control, I’m in control… (*feels rage building up*), I’m not in control at all, wtf?! (*hits forearm twice*). „AAAAAAAAAHHHH FUCK“.
I stand up, walk around a bit while being angry and then I just start… sobbing uncontrollably? I can‘t even tell you why I started crying, it literally just happened. From extremely angry to extremely sad. After I’m done crying I feel fine again. Or at least way better, but still kinda sad.
It’s so crazy to me because I literally switched emotions from one second to the next. All anger left me within one second and turned into extreme sadness. I started crying before I could even realize that I was sad, like there was a disconnect. Very weird experience.
Crimson
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
Brandon, this was and still is me so, so, so many times bro.
This pain is in the body and you released some. You are doing the work correctly.
This is EXACTLY how it goes.
I had times where I didn't sleep for even 1 second for about 2-3 weeks just borderline homicidal with rage. I was about to snap. I didn't trust myself in public. If my housemate didn't know what I was going through, he would have called the cops!
This is the journey of inner work bro, I work on the same stuff every day.
Be reassured, you are doing well.
GOOD WORK
Ravi
This pain is in the body and you released some. You are doing the work correctly.
This is EXACTLY how it goes.
I had times where I didn't sleep for even 1 second for about 2-3 weeks just borderline homicidal with rage. I was about to snap. I didn't trust myself in public. If my housemate didn't know what I was going through, he would have called the cops!
This is the journey of inner work bro, I work on the same stuff every day.
Be reassured, you are doing well.
GOOD WORK
Ravi
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
KillYourInnerLoser said:
Thank you, I’ve read read everything you’ve sent and listened to the podcast. Its good to know that this is a normal experience and nothing out of the ordinary for people on the self-improvement path.
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
Finally met up with my school counselor yesterday. I specifically told her about my currently lacking academic performance and problems with skipping school.
She asked me what the reasons for both of these are, I told her:
•Lack of sleep
•Not studying
•Bad mental health
•Too focused on girls (This made her laugh, lol)
She asked me which one I want to tackle first, I said the sleeping issue. The next meeting is scheduled for next week Monday, I’m guessing we’ll be meeting regularly from now on.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
She asked me what the reasons for both of these are, I told her:
•Lack of sleep
•Not studying
•Bad mental health
•Too focused on girls (This made her laugh, lol)
She asked me which one I want to tackle first, I said the sleeping issue. The next meeting is scheduled for next week Monday, I’m guessing we’ll be meeting regularly from now on.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
Went to my doctor today. Explained to her that:
•I’m struggling with school performance
•I’m struggling to do easy, everyday things
•I struggle with lack of sleep
•I self-harm
•I chronically procrastinate
We’ve had this conversation months ago minus the self-harm. She had already referred me to a psychotherapist, whom I called, but they said they were full. Didn’t try again.
She said I shouldn’t have waited so long to come again, because if I don’t, she can’t figure out my progress properly.
Today she explained to me that I have the right of a first visit by law and said that I should try to call again and if nobody accepts that I should come to her until next week Friday so we can apply through health insurance.
Made it really clear that I should get to it. Scary woman. Tough love haha, I appreciate it.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
•I’m struggling with school performance
•I’m struggling to do easy, everyday things
•I struggle with lack of sleep
•I self-harm
•I chronically procrastinate
We’ve had this conversation months ago minus the self-harm. She had already referred me to a psychotherapist, whom I called, but they said they were full. Didn’t try again.
She said I shouldn’t have waited so long to come again, because if I don’t, she can’t figure out my progress properly.
Today she explained to me that I have the right of a first visit by law and said that I should try to call again and if nobody accepts that I should come to her until next week Friday so we can apply through health insurance.
Made it really clear that I should get to it. Scary woman. Tough love haha, I appreciate it.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
Bro fuck this lets jump on a Telegram call and let me help you get your sleep and wellness right.
This is a SLEEP ISSUE Brandon thats why you can't get things done
I may not be able to help you with much of your journey, you will have to turn to Andy (you can absolutely make it with women, you're very handsome and you'll absolutely obliterate anything I will get done in this domain) but (1) wellnss and (2) pushing you I can absolutely do
I would love the opportunity to serve you and help you, you'd be doing me a favour and it'd make me feel better.
Maybe God will send me some fucking good karma for it ;-)
Send me your number and we'll talk tomorrow OK?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6gs_UCdXS8
Low motivation and ability to complete tasks is:
-Poor sleep
-Brain inflammation
-Low dopamine
We will put these things right and in time they will fall into place
Ravi
This is a SLEEP ISSUE Brandon thats why you can't get things done
I may not be able to help you with much of your journey, you will have to turn to Andy (you can absolutely make it with women, you're very handsome and you'll absolutely obliterate anything I will get done in this domain) but (1) wellnss and (2) pushing you I can absolutely do
I would love the opportunity to serve you and help you, you'd be doing me a favour and it'd make me feel better.
Maybe God will send me some fucking good karma for it ;-)
Send me your number and we'll talk tomorrow OK?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6gs_UCdXS8
Low motivation and ability to complete tasks is:
-Poor sleep
-Brain inflammation
-Low dopamine
We will put these things right and in time they will fall into place
Ravi
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
Update post, I guess.
2nd meeting with school counselor:
She’s not as invested as a actual therapist (obviously) but better than nothing.
Opened up about my self-harming. Regarding sleep, she recommended a book to me. She even printed out the first chapter for me to read.
Regarding my grades, she asked me why I wanted to get my degree and why I’m not willing to consider switching to a easier field.
I said because it would make my parents happy and because I want to prove to myself that I can do it.
Her: „Why do you want to prove that to yourself?“
Me: „Because it would be really cool to have a really good GPA on my certificate.“
Her: „Oh, so you don’t want to just pass, you even want to have a really good GPA?“
Me: „Of course, I always want to be perfect.“
Interesting, interesting. Crimson always wants to be perfect. She said we‘ll explore that need for perfection further in the next session. She’ll also push me to study for my exams.
(Note: My teacher said: „We’re worried about you Brandon, we know that you talked to the school counselor. You should talk to one of us teachers as well, otherwise we can’t help you. We’re afraid that you won’t pass if you don’t get your studies in order.“)
I got held back two times already. The 2nd time was the worst day of my life. The fact that I might not pass gives me anxiety. Fortunately I have half a semester left to get my grades up.
How I’ve been feeling recently:
Been feeling pretty depressed lately. Saw Andy‘s video on the „Hierarchy of Emotions“, so today I made myself angry instead, which resulted in me getting some shit done.
Andy also says that depression is a lack of (insert thing you lack here). I lack a bunch of stuff, so no wonder.
Still reading YCATLOAT and I’ve been doing some of the exercises. Quite helpful indeed, healing to the soul.
I need your love. Is that true?
Yesterday I hurt myself again, after like 3 weeks I think (I hit myself, didn’t cut). The reason:
Basketball Girl didn’t text me back as enthusiastically as I’d hoped.
This was the conversation:
Me: GIF + „I’m back from vacation
“
Her: „I’m not back yet“
Harmless message. Really nothing to see here. But enough to make me spiral into self-loathing and eventually self-harm. I guess I wanted her to say: „Omg yes daddy, can’t wait to see you again!!!
“, lol.
If I told Andy this he would probably ask me why I have expectations of her texting me back enthusiastically. Give yourself the enthusiasm you crave.
State of mind while self-harming:
There’s usually a trigger, I don’t just do it just to do it. Most times it’s some form of punishment for something. Being weak (self-perceived), not completing a task etc.
It seems like I’m always on edge and one little event can push me over the edge. My day could be going great, but then one little thing happens… And everything goes downwards.
It goes like this:
Trigger event-> Intense feelings in the middle of my chest. Rage builds up. Horrible self-talk. I say „Stop it Brandon!“, but I don’t. Then I hit myself. Then I cry.
It always feels like it’s happening to me, because I’m quite aware of what’s happening (I’m getting angry at myself), but I can’t seem to stop it.
But I know I’m contributing to it in some way.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
2nd meeting with school counselor:
She’s not as invested as a actual therapist (obviously) but better than nothing.
Opened up about my self-harming. Regarding sleep, she recommended a book to me. She even printed out the first chapter for me to read.
Regarding my grades, she asked me why I wanted to get my degree and why I’m not willing to consider switching to a easier field.
I said because it would make my parents happy and because I want to prove to myself that I can do it.
Her: „Why do you want to prove that to yourself?“
Me: „Because it would be really cool to have a really good GPA on my certificate.“
Her: „Oh, so you don’t want to just pass, you even want to have a really good GPA?“
Me: „Of course, I always want to be perfect.“
Interesting, interesting. Crimson always wants to be perfect. She said we‘ll explore that need for perfection further in the next session. She’ll also push me to study for my exams.
(Note: My teacher said: „We’re worried about you Brandon, we know that you talked to the school counselor. You should talk to one of us teachers as well, otherwise we can’t help you. We’re afraid that you won’t pass if you don’t get your studies in order.“)
I got held back two times already. The 2nd time was the worst day of my life. The fact that I might not pass gives me anxiety. Fortunately I have half a semester left to get my grades up.
How I’ve been feeling recently:
Been feeling pretty depressed lately. Saw Andy‘s video on the „Hierarchy of Emotions“, so today I made myself angry instead, which resulted in me getting some shit done.
Andy also says that depression is a lack of (insert thing you lack here). I lack a bunch of stuff, so no wonder.
Still reading YCATLOAT and I’ve been doing some of the exercises. Quite helpful indeed, healing to the soul.
I need your love. Is that true?
Yesterday I hurt myself again, after like 3 weeks I think (I hit myself, didn’t cut). The reason:
Basketball Girl didn’t text me back as enthusiastically as I’d hoped.
This was the conversation:
Me: GIF + „I’m back from vacation
“Her: „I’m not back yet“
Harmless message. Really nothing to see here. But enough to make me spiral into self-loathing and eventually self-harm. I guess I wanted her to say: „Omg yes daddy, can’t wait to see you again!!!
“, lol.If I told Andy this he would probably ask me why I have expectations of her texting me back enthusiastically. Give yourself the enthusiasm you crave.
State of mind while self-harming:
There’s usually a trigger, I don’t just do it just to do it. Most times it’s some form of punishment for something. Being weak (self-perceived), not completing a task etc.
It seems like I’m always on edge and one little event can push me over the edge. My day could be going great, but then one little thing happens… And everything goes downwards.
It goes like this:
Trigger event-> Intense feelings in the middle of my chest. Rage builds up. Horrible self-talk. I say „Stop it Brandon!“, but I don’t. Then I hit myself. Then I cry.
It always feels like it’s happening to me, because I’m quite aware of what’s happening (I’m getting angry at myself), but I can’t seem to stop it.
But I know I’m contributing to it in some way.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
Crimson
Member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2021
- Name
- Brandon
- Goal
- Get Laid
- Age
- 21
- Location
- Germany
Mental health getting worse and worse. Binge ate yesterday so I didn’t have to sit with the feelings.
Stayed up until 6 AM and had driving school at 10 AM lol (somehow was still able to drive decently, thanks redbull).
I go into periods of talking to myself (and others) frantically in made up scenarios in my head. Then I cry. Then I laugh. Then I rage. Then I hit myself. Then…
You get the picture. Mood is all over the place. Also feeling emptiness, everything is hollow and then messy
I called 20+ therapists today though, 1 picked up. Said they were full.
I guess I need to call during the morning as most psychotherapists have there „calling hours“ then.
I could also go to the hospital and ask them wether they could refer me to a psychotherapist or at least give me a list full of different ones to call.
Don’t have anyone in person I can tell this to, at least I have this forum. Also, at least I took some action today by calling up therapists.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
Stayed up until 6 AM and had driving school at 10 AM lol (somehow was still able to drive decently, thanks redbull).
I go into periods of talking to myself (and others) frantically in made up scenarios in my head. Then I cry. Then I laugh. Then I rage. Then I hit myself. Then…
You get the picture. Mood is all over the place. Also feeling emptiness, everything is hollow and then messy
I called 20+ therapists today though, 1 picked up. Said they were full.
I guess I need to call during the morning as most psychotherapists have there „calling hours“ then.
I could also go to the hospital and ask them wether they could refer me to a psychotherapist or at least give me a list full of different ones to call.
Don’t have anyone in person I can tell this to, at least I have this forum. Also, at least I took some action today by calling up therapists.
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
- Joined
- May 21, 2022
- Goal
- Serve
- Age
- 30
Crimson, have you considered online therapy? I used Betterhelp a couple years ago and it worked well. It was nice because I could switch therapists pretty easily to find one I vibed well with. There are probably other companies and psychiatrists who work directly in Germany that may be available to you online.
