Dim's Daily Progress Log

These last 3 days were crazy, I didn't have time to post anything.
Summary of what I've been up to:
- Kept posting 365 videos each day. Have 2 buffers now
- Reframed completely my story of "Every girl I like will leave me" - now I even see it as a good thing if it happens
- Instead of feeling frustrated my good FWB paused seeing me, I saw a friend and then went on Tinder...
- I had sex with a very affectionate virgin. Holy shit. Matched with her, met that same day, and 3 hours after we at my place going all the way. She slept over and we had breakfast in the morning as well. Unbelieveable experience
- That girl also shown me how much value I can give, and I got to practice extreme honesty and vulnerability with her as well.
- Went to friend T's place, had lunch with her and watched a movie - it was awesome time
- Went to my FWB's place to have sex and talk about a lot of stuff - good Honesty/Vulnerability practice

So, pretty eventful a couple of days. I skipped gym, was sleeping 6h more to recover each day. But was totally worth it.

Details each day:
______

Day Review: 2023-01-13

This day was the best turnaround I had in my dating life.

Highlights:
- Turned around trigger of "Girl I like so much left me" - investigated it and stopped self-sabotage
- Replaced it with "It adds to my year's focus" and "I would just do all from my end and that is enough"
- Went into action - Tinder boost, matches, friend meetup and then...
- Had sex with a virgin that I matched on Tinder that day and met for a coffee 3 hours prior.
---
Backstory:
It started from texting with my FWB - the one I had an awesome connection with from the first date, and had amazing sex/hangout on the second.
She told me she "got feelings for other guy she seeing and wants to take a pause to get it sorted".

But in my mind it immediately triggered one of my strongest stories about "every girl I like leaves me". I was feeling a lot of pain and was lost there for an hour - contemplating on, if there's even a reason for me to do this dating stuff, and how it all ends the same way - the usual thought when I feel like it. And now it had like 5 "proofs" for it, so it became stronger and stronger.

I really felt strongly about her and probably in love - that's why it hurt. And I know the risks to feel this pain when I allow myself to feel everything, it is expected - and I know the good memories outweigh a bit of suffering.

The good thing is I already know the steps now - doing at least something.
---
(1) Mindset / Gratitude / Peace progress -
So after some time, while still feeling despair about not seeing her again, I decided to go through with actions.
I went in a cafe to sit among people and did The Work on statements I wrote about that girl.

I stumbled upon 2 great epiphanies - "Even if she does leave, that is the huge practice for my Peace focus".
And "I should keep seeing her" - she didn't say to me that she ends things, she took a pause.
I can see it however I want, but at the end "she don't want to see me again" was just a story in my head that had no proof in reality. I will keep all from my end - the opportunity to her to see me again if she wants to. The rest is up to her.

Also I saw how grateful I am for her already giving me this intimate experience in the first place.

So overall, I turned it into a huge focus.
---
(2) Friends / Mindset progress - I also scheduled to meet with a good acquaintance here (we discuss psychology/improvement things before).
We had a great 1.5h before my date discussing her "analysis paralysis" and my recent epiphanies. And exchanged a lot of other experiences with each other.
---
(3) Dating / Sex / Honesty progress -
And then, the cherry on top.
After overcoming despair prior, I boosted Tinder and matched with a girl.
We had a coffee date. She was really shy, but very caring and loving towards me. I did the same.
We clicked, kissed went to my house and had sex while constantly asking each other if we enjoyed it.
Then after it we talk, and I learn she was a virgin.
So here it is - I had a sex with a virgin and didn't even notice it until we talked lmao.
I'm glad she enjoyed it and that I was able to give that to her.
She is so affectionate, but a bit too anxious about me having a good time. Still we had a great time, spent the night and had breakfast later.

Awesome experience.
Details - https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=50157#p50157

Side note - I was being so honest at that point that I just said what I am worried about to her immediately. And she shared her side as well. I vividly remember her determined "I don't care" in big contrast to her shy overall appearance haha...
---

Mindset - 3/3 - 3h
- (!) - #1 - Practicing The Work on one of my strongest dating limiting beliefs. Feeling grateful and accepting towards her, and any others.
- (!) - #3 - Being very honest, open and vulnerable with the girl I met
- Journal / Grounding / Mirror

Business - 1/3 - 3h
- Recorded a vid (365p)

Relaxation - 0/3 - 0
Looks - 0/3 - 0

Dating - 3/3 - 6h
- (!) - #3 - Matched, met, had sex and slept over with cute affectionate virgin
- (!) - #1 - Rewriting a destructive story about my girls not seeing me
- 1x2 boost, matches

Social - 2/3 - 2h
- (!) #2 - Met with a friend and had a good discussion

Life Support - 1/3 - 4h
- Low job focus

_____

Day Review: 2023-01-14

Woke up with the cute girl from the previous night - and I don't think I've ever had such an intense affection and care towards me, especially at the morning lmao.
---
(1) Gratitude / Self-image progress - And I love reciprocating that back. We cuddled, had another round of banging each other and had breakfast - it was till 2pm, threw away all my day structure, but was totally worth it this time. She shown me how much value I can actually give.
---
Went to T's place, had lunch and watched a movie. Had great time with her, and practiced being funny a bit - still a long way to go haha.
---

Mindset - 2/3 - 30m
- (!) #1 - Was very appreciative, open with the girl I met yesterday. She shown me a lot about myself as well.
- Journal

Business - 1/3 - 10m
- 365p vid - wrote ideas, used buffer

Relaxation - 1/3 - 6h
- Sleeping more
- I could consider hanging out with T as a relaxation this time - It was awesome experience, didn't feel like the chore and recharged me.

Looks - 0/3 - 0
- Chose to not spend time on gym that day

Dating - 2/3 - 5h
- Some hours of sex/cuddles/time together with girl from yesterday

Social - 3/3 - 7h
- Hanged out with friend (T) and had a blast with her watching movie and talking

Life Support - 1/3 - 1h
- Making breakfast not only for me was a good practice haha


_____

Day Review: 2023-01-15

Skipped gym, woke up later - this weekend focus is just an anything but my structure. And it is ok.

Had a relaxed time of day - recorded 2 vids, finally went to grocery store and bought something normal to eat haha.
---
(1) - Honesty / Opening up progress - Then went to my FWB and had sex and a lot of opening up and vulnerable conversations. Also sharing our stuff a lot. Was very nice to experience that connection and intimacy
---
Mindset - 1/3 - 30m
- #1 - Was honest and vulnerable with my FWB about a lot of stuff
- Journal

Business - 1/3 - 1h
- Recorded 365p vid

Relaxation - 1/3 - 7.5h
- Extended sleep - 6h, woke at 10am
- Went on a walk to the store

Looks - 0/3 - 0

Dating - 2/3 - 6h
- Went to FWB's place and had great time / sex together

Social - 0/3 - 0

Life Support - 1/3 - 2h
- Food stuff practice
 
Day Review: 2023-01-16

Chill day, where I once again extended my sleep (because of returning late from a date yesterday), focused a bit on work and 365p.
Went on date and was present and grateful.
I also didn't push myself to "perform", but slowly and mindfully went through what I wanted to do.
Didn't have much progress, but went a bit forward with my year's focus and was true to myself.

---
(1) Honesty / Peace progress - went on a date with a girl (J) that I went on dates 2 times prior (we only got to kissing at my place part).
I had a hunch that she is not really enthusiastic, but I went with open mind anyway.
We had a somewhat boring 1h platonic coffee date and I didn't feel any attraction from her side.
So I told her that, and asked how she felt about me - and I was right, she didn't want anything sexual with me. I was actually relieved to hear that, as I stopped feeling much for her either. I assured her it's ok, hugged and we walked and split.
Two points of good progress here:
- Peace - I had absolutely no negative emotions about her not wanting me. I was actually just glad to see her for a while and have a convo. No feeling of "wasted time", no pain about "why didn't she like me", no frustration about her "wanting to be friends". Just calm, appreciative acceptance, and wishing her all the best.
- Honesty - I explained to her my boundaries as well, about not wanting to be just friends. And me asking about her attraction in the first place was a huge step - I did it, event though I was awkward and anxious.
---

Mindset - 2/3 - 2h
- (!) - #1 - Was honest on date and grateful for her seeing me
- Reading "Loving What Is"
- Day reviews
- Journal / Mirror

Business - 1/3 - 2h
- Recorded 2 vids - 365p

Relaxation - 2/3 - 9h
- Extended sleep 6h
- Videogame/leisure

Looks - 0/3 - 0

Dating - 1/3 - 2h
- Went on date and had a nice time

Social - 0/3 - 0

Life Support - 1/3 - 3h
- Small job focus
 
Day Review: 2023-01-17

---
(1) - Peace / Letting go progress - Tried interesting exercise - in the morning when I didn't want to do anything, I kept releasing and not forcing myself into the actions I didn't find very "exciting". I ended up not finding anything to be exciting, even distractions, and sat for about 40 minutes just thinking.

I then realised how this "doing nothing" was a pretty good action by itself - it was practically mindfulness.

Previously I would have forced myself to do anything to not "waste time". But now, to stay present and question every intention and thought felt very trusting to me.

This practice allowed me to see how it is to actually "Let Go", which I wanted to do for years... And I can clearly see my progress here.
---

Mindset - 3/3 - 3h
- (!) - #1 - Letting Go practice
- Journal / Grounding
- Reading "Loving What Is"

Business - 1/3 - 1h
- Recorded a vid - 365p

Relaxation - 1/3 - 2h
- Extended naps
- Videogames / Leisure

Looks - 1/3 - 3h
- Gym progress

Dating - 1/3 - 10m
- Planned meet with FWB for next day

Social - 0/3 - 0

Life Support - 2/3 - 7h
- Good job focus
- Quick meal prep
- Home Cleanup
 
Day Review: 2023-01-18

---
(1) - Biz / Self-Acceptance progress
Recorded a video at 6am - just was in the mood to start early
Then after returned from the gym recorded a quick followup - 6 min from start to finish.
It was fun to do it and a bit of challenge to put exactly 1 minute video out there - overcoming my slight fears of "it is not enough"
---
(2) - Dating
Met with my new FWB. It turns out to be a bit of a challenge to accept someone who seemingly does a lot of things "just because I like it, to please me". While it seems like an interesting sexual dynamic, when it affects just hanging out it makes it harder to build some trust.

I constantly catch myself questioning - "does she really wants to do it, or it is because I wanted her to?". Frequent "I'm sorry's" and just her overall anxious state are mentally taxing to experience.

I see her as I was 5 years ago - inexperienced and people-pleasing version of "nice guy". I feel that her intentions are loving and caring, it just feels like there's not much else but them - it's hard to see what she-herself actually wants.

But I'll try to keep an open mind - she probably didn't have much of these sexual and interpersonal experiences (being a virgin before) and needs some time to learn herself. I will encourage and guide her to do it as well, as it seems that she does want to get some confidence for herself.

---
But note to myself - however awesome and "perfectly matching" the girl can seem from the start, there will be something that causes disappointment or frustration along the way.

The approach here is to not run away from it, but to take a step back, inquire into the current situation, accept it and then find the next steps - be it for change, for complete acceptance or for moving on.

Probably any, even middle term casual, relationship requires accepting and addressing the flaws, one way or another.

And that is also the reason why we are getting this dating (and other) experiences and screening better with time. So, keep doing what I'm doing, and I'll get there eventually.

---
Also, tracking time spent doesn't seem like a good idea anymore and only takes away energy and more time. Was pretty insightful 2 months of doing it, but I'll drop it for now.
---

Mindset - 1/3
- #1 - Sharing my "low effort" side even on purpose was a bit challenging
- #2 - Practicing of being open to "quirks" in girl I date
- Journal / Grounding

Business - 2/3
- #1 - 2 YT vids for 365p
- Also recorded a quick intro with redirect for my personal channel - wanted to do that for some days

Relaxation - 1/3
- Extended nap
- Videogames

Looks - 1/3
- Gym, a bit of progress

Dating - 1/3
- #2 - Met with fwb, had 3 hours of talking and a bit of fooling around

Social - 0/3

Life Support - 1/3
- Job focus
 
Day Review: 2023-01-19

This day didn't start well - having my fwb yesterday caused me to sleep late and be tired.
Today I skipped gym - my fated 5th workout day with squats - there's always something that I do the night before that ruins it haha.
Also didn't do morning rituals, slept till 10 am, woke up in a lazy state, and slowly crawled through my day.

It was another reminder that it is not always "perfect", it is ok if some days "suck". I will just accept it, will not be stressed about doing a lot of stuff and handle it one next thing at a time.

I had a pretty decent outcome at the end, while not even wanting to do any of it:
- Had a coffee with snack and did a bit of grounding, gratitude and journal practice
- Recorded a 20 min vid for 365 and ended up talking good things there
- Focused at my job tasks a bit, and participated in calls
- Had my coaching-client call

Overall, I didn't do much. But that is enough.
I am glad that I can accept these days now - and not beat myself up and making it even worse.

---
Some considerations:
Even though I love having my coaching clients and see their lives improve, it is my most stressful part of the whole week.

I worry so much in anticipation of the calls, especially before the one that usually goes fast and I feel like I cannot give him much.
I worry in the call with him because of that and "what I should talk about next", "did I give enough for today"
It feels like a really vulnerable position to experience - like I am doing something completely wrong and it was a mistake to sign up for this.

It makes it hard to not fall into resentment state. Gratitude doesn't really help to do in advance here.
Maybe I need to "bribe" myself with something I really like... I am not sure. Just hope it will get easier with some practice.

In any way I know that I would love to go through with my coaching practice - it feels amazing to guide people towards having what they want. I do it everywhere now, with friends, dates, family, even random people on meetups...
But maybe, as with Andy case, I just need to accept that my start will be pretty rough and challenging to face. That it will get all of my insecurities to the surface to handle (Yeah, this process will force me to confront my demons, haha)

We'll see how it goes when I will get even more clients.
---


Mindset - 1/3
- Reasoning with myself about actions / coaching prep - trying to find what will work to get me into "good" state towards them
- Journal / Gratitude

Business - 1/3
- Had my coaching-call
- Recorded a vid

Relaxation - 1/3
- Extended sleep
- Videogames

Looks - 0/3

Dating - 1/3
- Tinder 1x2 boost / messaging

Social - 1/3
- Planning meets

Life Support - 1/3
- Job good focus
- Cooking nice meals
 
Thanks so much Ravi!

___

This weekend & last day were so mentally and physically taxing on me.

I was meeting with my fwbs and friends, breaking my schedules, struggling to keep up with 365p and just to do anything besides "planned" social stuff...

I finally got to make these reviews (and almost made the week one).
And I kept up, did something every day and turning it all around.

It is a good practice of staying calm, grateful and peaceful even in this chaos.
It is hard. I had many thoughts and opportunities to just "fuck off" for a while.

But I didn't - I kept it up, even more so - by being mindful about it.
And I love it.


_________

Day Review: 2023-01-20

(1) - Honesty / Vulnerability / Peace progress -
Met with one of fwbs, we had a deep talk about life stuff. It got to a topic that was pretty controversial - red pill, dating, gender stuff and all that, and it was tiring to talk about it, I certainly got defensive there again.
Still, I like that I kept my positive and peaceful mindset, didn't fall down to argue and just was her for her in the end.

Finally we stopped talking about it, and I was very vulnerable and cried a bit from all the overflowing emotions - I like that I can do that controllably, in front of someone else. I also asked her will she be able to handle it - good practice of asking for what I think I need.

We stayed awake till 3am, which is not good overall but I feel it was a good practice. Still, I will try not to do it this long in the future.
---

Mindset - 2/3
- (!) #1 - Opening up and being vulnerable on a date
- Had many insights while talking with Andy, about my current relationships and coaching stuff.
- Accountability call
- Journal / Grounding

Business - 1/3 - Recorded a vid - 365p

Relaxation - 1/3 - Walk / Videogames

Looks - 0/3

Dating - 1/3
- #1 - Date with fwb
- Tinder boost 1x2

Social - 1/3 - Went on a meetup for an hour and practiced talking to people

Life Support - 1/3 - Good job focus



__________



Day Review: 2023-01-21

(1) Gym / Mindset progress -
Biggest achievement of this day - I rewrote the story about going to gym late.

Because of going to sleep late last night, I woke up only at 10am today. I was once again going in my head and thinking "how bad it is" to skip gym again.

And then I started looking for a ways to fix it - and it occurred to me to go there anyway, even 3 hours later.
I have so much negative connotations tied to going to the gym not the "first time in the morning" - like "it will be crowded, I will feel awful and frustrated, I won't be in the right state of mind, it is too late, I will worry about time, I will return late...".

I accepted it all and went anyway, without any expectations.
"Focusing at the next actionable thing only"
And it ended up being an awesome workout - there weren't many people, I focused on my stuff and had a fun 1.5h of being there.

I would still feel better by going earlier, because I have more time in a day. But at least I practiced having open mind when it doesn't go as I planned.
---
(2) - Mindset progress -
Had some insights going over how I spent evening with fwb last night.
About helping people that don't want to, accepting "as is", and me not feeling bad about what I want to do.
Wrote an article + vid about it, to keep this concept in my mind for the future.
---
(3) - Honesty progress -
Met with another fwb.
I was able to honestly say in the moment that I don't know what I want to do today. Then I just talked, followed my thoughts and got us to share some stories.
Overall had been pretty open about everything. Shared how it is hard for me to receive praise, but encouraged her to continue anyway.

And also - she brought me a fucking gift! Just like that, out of the blue. I praised her a lot for it, but it still feels strange haha.
---
(4) - Peace progress -
I don't HAVE to post every day.
I got into this loop of posting my progress - which I would still like to keep doing daily.
But at some days like this weekend, when at the end I just wanna go to bed after all events - I can be ok with NOT doing it. It is not my daily requirement.
It is just a good reflection that I can balance with other stuff, or get back to later (like I am doing now)
---

Mindset - 3/3
- (!) #1 - Let go of my story about going to gym late
- (!) #2-4 - a lot of Mindset / Honesty / Peace events to practice
- Journal

Business - 2/3
- Recorded a vid for 365p
- Wrote a companion article for it as well

Relaxation - 2/3 - Went to a diner to eat and focus on food

Looks - 2/3 - Went to gym late and had a good workout

Dating - 2/3 - Awesome evening with fwb

Social - 0/3
Life Support - 0/3


___________



Day Review: 2023-01-22

(1) Social / Mindset progress -
Met with T, went to a japanese cafe here and had an awesome time trying out teas/desserts

Then walked a bit and talked about our projects in life - she probably will start her own 365 in the near days, and we discussed the possible approaches to it.
Also veered into deep topics about ours and even ended up talking about sex - good practice for me to make it "normalised"
I love spending time with her, and it was insightful for me as well.
---
(2) Honesty - I asked her at the end is there "something she wants me to add /change in our relationship". It was really awkward and rushed, but I am happy I could finally practice it - this question, and just discussing the relationship itself, is a very anxiety-inducing topics for me.
---

Mindset - 1/3
- (!) Wrote gratitude to fwb
- (!) #2 - asked about "meta" relationship topic with my friend
- Journal / Grounding

Business - 1/3
- Recorded a quick vid before going out. Edited description for previous one

Relaxation - 1/3 - Walk

Looks - 2/3
- Gym - deadlift progress

Dating - 0/3

Social - 2/3
- #1 - Good meet with a friend

Life Support - 0/3


_______________


Day Review: 2023-01-23

Day started as shit - couldn't function at 3:30 - slept till 8am and was feeling sleepy and exhausted.
But I turned it around to be quite nice by being ok with it and consistently following the "next step"

- Wrote reviews for last days
- Finished 2 tasks at my workplace
- Wrote half of week-s review
- Recorded a video for 365p
- Went to meet a friend and had fun talks about countries and sleeping
- Had a sandwich and a coffee outside
---
5 things I'm grateful for:
1. For the concept of "focus on next thing only" and ability to turn around a "bad" day
2. For the friend who reached out randomly today and asked me to have a coffee with her - I got to get out of the house and talk about cool stuff
3. For my 365 project - I get pressure to practice speaking on camera even on the days when I don't feel like it
4. For the cafe where I got to eat tasty sandwich with a coffee
5. For the opportunity to sleep longer today and have a better breakfast
---

Mindset - 2/3
- Kept focusing at only the next thing and not gave in to "being miserable"
- Wrote reviews for days / week
- Got good concepts to think/write from friend meeting
- Journal

Business - 1/3
- Recorded quick vid - 365p

Relaxation - 1/3
- Extended sleep (I will continue counting it as a relaxation though it hurts me in a long run haha)
- Had a fun time by eating in a cafe

Looks - 0/3

Dating - 0/3

Social - 2/3
- Awesome 3h time with a friend/acquaintance - talked about fun topics this time and I had some good ideas

Life Support - 2/3
- Good job focus, finally completed some task I wanted to
 
Day Review: 2023-01-24

I don't feel great. I am half-exhausted. But I went to the gym, worked and recorded my video anyway.
One step at a time.

---
5 things I'm grateful:
1. For my workplace for being patient with me working on tasks and not giving me a lot of pressure
2. For my gym and how good quality it is
3. For being in the center of Belgrade and being able to feel the city life
4. For group to support me
5. For me doing decent job even with a lot of distractions
---

Mindset - 1/3
- Gave in to distractions, but still did "requirements" of the day.
- Journal / Grounding

Business - 2/3
- Recorded 30min 365p vid - even though it was hard for me to start
- Wrote the draft of a new article

Relaxation - 2/3
- Sleep onset
- Many distractions / Videogames
- Sleep/Naps were on-point

Looks - 2/3
- Gym good progress - and went there even though I was feeling not really good

Dating - 0/3
Social - 0/3
 
Day Review: 2023-01-25

Today's group call was very insightful - so many things I will use in the following weeks.

First of them - I am gonna have a complete break from everything this weekend - and I mean EVERYTHING this time.

I have cancelled all my previous plans.
I am going to go to another city here (Novisad) that I wanted for a long time.
I also asked one of my fwbs to go with me (the one who is very affectionate, kind and peaceful too), and she accepted.

My goal here is to not plan AT ALL. I am going to fully relinquish control.
I am not going to go to the gym, track my food, do productive things, etc... (except 1 minute minimum for 365 project and whatever else comes to mind in the moment)
I am going to have no pressure at all. I am going to have no expectations. I am not even going to have expectation about having no expectations - meaning I can suck at it as well.
Whatever happens - happens.

I'll ask her to decide places, events, cafes. Or we'll just pick randomly on the spot. I'm not even gonna choose the food to eat - I'll ask her or select blindly.

Practice of going with the flow, not caring about outcome and extreme acceptance of whatever happens.

I never did that consciously - I was always afraid to lose control...
It's time to allow life to happen TO me for a while. Everything is going to be ok either way.
Should be an interesting experience.

---

Mindset - 3/3
- (!) Arranging weekend getaway
- Group call
- Call with psychologist
- Reading "Loving What Is"
- Watching mindset-related videos
- Journal / Grounding

Business - 2/3
- Recorded 2 videos - 365p

Relaxation - 1/3
- Distractions / Videos / Videogames

Looks - 2/3
- Gym progress

Dating - 1/3
- Arranged trip with one of fwbs
- Rescheduled date with another

Social - 0/3
 
Day Review: 2023-01-26

(1) Mindset progress -
Still feel effects of yesterday decision to "get away" from all pressure, decision making and control.
Even though it is still 2 days until the weekend, when I decided that I will make this trip - the veil was lifted. I felt so light and happy.
Minutes before it I was feeling "bad" about having to schedule dates and work on my videos.
And then immediately, like the switch was flipped and I WAS EAGER and excited to do it all.

It shows that this problem of self-sabotaging my success, in dating, projects or anything else, comes from being completely overwhelmed.
I was exhausted from being constantly under pressure and controlling every aspect of my life.

While I certainly have more peaceful and joyful moments now, and can accept "chaotic choices" better, even they feel planned and controlled.

The moment I decided to remove this pressure - all energy returned to me.

I scheduled dates. I contacted my friends. I busted my ass in making a YT Short today. I focused on my job a lot
And it all came from allowing myself to relinquish ALL control for some moment in the future - it is so fucking powerful. I will definitely keep this technique in mind for the future
---
(2) Biz/365 progress - I made a 1-minute Short for Youtube - it took me 5 hours to make it lmao.
I definitely didn't think that I will spend so much time on it - but I learned SO MUCH about video editing, what to focus in the future and about process overall.
It was exhausting, but so much fun.
---
(3) Biz/Integrity progress - I finally asked one of my clients about the format he wanted to have in our calls!

He has been doing awesome on his own, and we didn't have much to talk about lately - I was worrying so much about it.
And it turned out he is happy with 10-15 minute weekly checkups, just to have some reflection, discussion and perspective
And I was almost forcing these sessions to be longer last times...

Asking about it was very scary, but it turned out to be the best thing here. Now I know what he wants and will have much less anxiety before calls
---
I am grateful for:
1. The city outside my balcony, how awesome it is to be early at morning in the center and feel how it slowly wakes up
2. For the food ingredients that I have here and enjoy a lot
3. For my job, giving me life in Serbia, my laptop and opportunity to comfortably and efficiently work on myself.
4. For my flat - such an awesome and comfortable place to be, even with all the broken stuff it is just amazing for my goals and having girls over
5. For the videogame-streamer guy who I know 10 years already - that he is still there and such a funny and positive person, that I get to watch him from time to time and relax
---

Mindset - 3/3
- (!) #1 - Excited about many things - realisation that by taking away excess pressure and control I can enjoy my life much more
- (!) #3 - Asking client for clarification - being honest and humble
- Reading "Loving What Is"
- Journal / Grounding
- Job good focus

Business - 2/3
- (!) #2 - Created Youtube Short - so much effort and knowledge
- (!) #3 - 2 awesome coaching calls, and finally asked client for what he actually want from our calls

Relaxation - 1/3
- Good quick meals
- Videogames / Stream

Looks - 2/3
- Good gym progress - finally NOT skipped my 5th (squat) day lmao

Dating - 1/3
- Messaging some matches

Social - 0/3
 
Resuming posing, as much as I can

Had a rough week. Couldn't muster to do proper review. So these are highlights, some I talked before, some are new (wrote locally, but had no energy to post):

___
Jan 27-29 - Novisad Trip
Highlights
- I finally went to Novisad - where I wanted to go for 7 months
- There was an awesome square, I visited their fortress, took a lot of photos
- Thanks to my girl, we went to see how local catholic church looks like - it is a huge beautiful building in the center. We went exactly at the beginning of their Sunday service and it was cool experience to take part in it
- I didn't prepare for cold and it affected me all the time - practiced accepting any outcome
- I had my fwb constantly worry about me, ask me how I feel and praise me - and it bothered me because "she focused on me and not herself" - practiced being understanding and grateful for it. Also have some beliefs about it for inquiries now
- Sleeping in a hotel with a girl beside me, without worrying about anything, reminded me about me being in my previous relationships. And waking up today in my house felt like something from that time as well.
It feels nice and worrying at the same time. I even shudder right now when I write about this - it seems I am afraid of accepting some girl (or this particular one) being so close to me. Topic for further investigation.

Overall, I like how I organized this trip.
It turned out exactly as I wanted it to be - relaxing and with insights into myself. There was a lot of joy and many opportunities for practicing letting go.
___
Day Reviews: Jan 30 - Feb 2

Too much happened - I'm gonna skip the usual structure and just list some stuff.

Dating / Peace / Integrity -
My FWB (the virgin one) decided to end things at random moment, a day after our trip.
I accepted and processed it in a couple of hours - I laughed at yet another girl I liked leaving me, though I was ok.

But after talking with her we realised that she was completely confused - from her inexperience and fears she thought that in our "FWB arrangement" we were just a fuckbuddies, without "friends". And that "she wanted someone to care about her".

Damage was already done tho, I stopped feeling any attraction towards her - but surprisingly I still cared about her - as I consider her an amazing human being.
So I met with her in a cafe, we talked about stuff and I decided to take a month break and see what I would want.

That is a win on so many levels:
I finally enforced my boundaries and stopped further hurting.
I saw once again that I am on the level where sex is not the one and only type of relationship I can pursue - I almost don't care about it anymore and I can keep an open mind. Initial intimacy required for this stage though to not have the "platonic" barrier - but then I can easily continue without any sexual stuff, if I feel it is worth it in other ways.

---
Flirting / Fun / Relaxation -
I had an awesome hangout with T.
I fulfilled my dream that I had for 4 years already - get drunk with a girl that I trust. For some reason all the girls I was seeing before didn't want to do it.
This time it was awesome - we got drunk on my rum and whiskey, did a bunch of weird shit, listened to music, took photos, watched some stupid videos.

We don't do sexual stuff - we talked about it before, and I won't do it until she is ok with it again.

But even though we don't go all the way, in some way it was even more fun.
We spent all night flirting like crazy, making sexual annuendos and ending up sleeping (literally, in bed) together. Having this barrier we cannot cross was so exciting - I love energy between us a lot.

---
Mindset / Peace -
Continuing story with T:
You know, I gonna be honest - she represents about 90% of the things I am looking for in girls and I am attracted to her immensely.
The connection and energy between us blows my mind. Previously I would have attached so hard to her - and I feel such a strong pull to do it now also. I also cannot see attraction to her ever disappearing.
I really fucking like her.
I think if at some point while we still in touch we gonna be ready for a relationship - it is going to be amazing.

But here is the change in current me versus "old me" - I can notice these feelings now - and I have enough experience, willpower and resolve to constantly let go of any sexual desires.
I would still love if it happened.

And if it is not - as right now - the amount of other positives I get from her outweighs amount of "frustration" I can experience. And I don't think it is a frustration now - it is just a reality and a practice of surrendering.
So, I am happy with whatever happens. I accept all my dreams and desires to her - it is normal. I am also accepting not acting on them.

If anything, having this immense intimacy and energy motivates me to find other girls to be sexual with. And keeping meets with T packed with trust, connection, flirting and energy.
---
 
Feb 4-5 updates:
Just list of some events for now

- Went to FWB and had good sex. She loves our sex and makes so much effort to add some kinks in it, even if I don't have energy to think about it before. So grateful to her

- Had a lot of thoughts about talking about relationship/sex with T. Wrote 4 pages of my thoughts contemplating different questions on it.
Last time with her I got the feeling something changed and it got me thinking. At the very least I want to keep her on the same page about my feelings and ideas.
I'm perfectly happy with us being friends, I just I see a huge opportunity here - as we are both similar, very driven people and there is a lot of energy between us.
And I promised to open myself fully, both to her and myself - so whatever happens I am being fully vulnerable and that is a net positive in my life.

- Recording 365p vids - 1 buffer for now.
- Gym on point

- Met with a friend, discussed mindsets and my content
- Went on meetup. Talked a lot and had fun
- Went on a date with russian girl from that meetup - she's cool and driven also, but she looked for more serious things. Probs gonna talk more sometimes - she's cool.

- Still, the fact that I now always take all the chances I have - taking her number, arranging date and pulling the strings with EVERY girl I meet that I am attracted to… It is my lifestyle now - I made it happen for me. I show up automatically - and that WILL get me results with time

- Wrote my perfect relationship/girl idea - so much corellations with T it blows my mind…
But anyway, whatever happens with her, I know my next steps - Tinder, CA, meetups - finding new girls - trying them - building connection. Eventually I will find someone close to my idea.

- Overall feeling tired and exhausted, but making effort to do bare minimum and go from there
 
Day Review: 2023-02-06

I still feel low energy for some reason.
Couldn't keep going at 3:30, slept till 8. Had some breakfast, wrote a journal.

I still worry a lot about my life/dating situation - getting too obsessed with intimacy and missing it. I practice a lot of times to let go of it, it works for a brief moment and then comes back again.

This uneasy feeling is not good to feel. Though I won't try to fight it - it is there for a reason.
It is there for me to do more inquiries on it, to practice releasing and gratitude even more. I asked for opportunities to work on my Peace and Gratitude - her I go, I have exactly what I asked for.

With my obsession with connection from girls I started to read Byron Katie's "I need your love, is that true". Mixing up books is not what I usually do, but this time it was really useful. Even starting to read it - to acknowledge that I am willing to do the work on this, helped to think more clearly.
While reading I went back to sleep till 12. This gave me some clarity of mind.

Probably I am exhausted. Maybe sleep will help. Maybe talking with T and discussing our situation will help as well. Maybe I will screw the last bits of connection we have now. Maybe it will work out. I know only that I cannot sit and do nothing - it is not me anymore. If there is something to ask - I want to ask it.

Distracted myself by:
- Focused on my job tasks and caught up with some of them
- Recorded a 365p vid
- Communicated with Tinder matches, setting up dates

Tried to set up 2 dates today, both of whom didn't reach back to me with when they are free. I am not surprised, a little bit disappointed though. Still they must have had their reasons, I won't dwell on it and suggest some other day.

Even if it doesn't go well for now, eventually it will get me results and someone I like and connect greatly. And if not - I will try something else, like approaching again.

And all that time I still have myself. "I need to have connection with girl" means "I need to have connection with myself" - and that is what my practice for the near future will be.

Keep going guys.

Dim
 
Feb7/8

I am tired.

I cannot wake up at 3:30 anymore.
It seems early sleep schedules so easily break when there is nothing to look forward to next day.
I am going to sleep with the thought of sleep - and not being eager to start the next day. I don't really want to wake up, at least early. It feels so good to sleep till the midday - because I skip half of the day and with it the 5-8 hours of possible worries, anxieties and pain.

I am tired of dating scene as well. Since the prospect of having something good sexually with T again started showing up, I was obsessed with it.
I am fucking angry at Serbia now - for being such a shitty place for dating and searching for girls. For all my effort and hurt, I either got girls I am not really attracted to, physically, mentally, or both... Or the girls who doesn't want to meet with me for the second date.
Everyone feels so broken - but that means I am the only one who is... That I don't really belong here.

And then there is T... Who has such a matching personality to me - which was the cause of our deep trusting connection. And.. sex was amazing as well, and she is still attracted to me. Just cannot combine friendship and sex in one person.
I talked a lot with her about this. I don't think I can feel the same, but I may see the reason. Ultimately it doesn't matter.

I'm tired of running and chasing everyone. At least for now.
There was another solution though...
I suggested her a 1-2 year exclusive relationship, which she will contemplate for the next days.

I didn't think that I would do something like that so early - but it is a fucking Serbia, which I am starting to half-hate because of that.
From what I heard and felt there are mainly two types of relationships - hookups and serious monogamy. People don't even contemplate that there is something else. Most people never open up or talk about it - I've been told that what I do is very rare for locals.

That uniqueness and vulnerability could have been my cheatcode - I thought it would be, I believed in it.
It turns out that it just doesn't work if the girls side here is the same - not expecting honesty and open-mindedness. When they just running away at the glimpse of it. Or even worse - hitting me back in my vulnerable state in some way.
It is a good practice, and I am much more resilient because of it - but it is still so hard to keep up.

So I am in scarcity again and I hate that...
In my 8 months here I found only one girl that I liked that liked me back and wanted to do something with me. And she is around right now...

If T accepts, then I'm gonna go with it.
I know that it is not my end goal - nothing monogamous can be. So this relationship will have its expiration date, if the format doesn't change to something more open. But while I'm gonna be in Serbia, I can refocus my dating efforts and desire to see multiple girls into this one relationship.
I know that with the information I have now I can make it awesome. To make us the biggest supporters of each other, to push to greatness and to have our back. We can achieve so much if we won't hold back with each other.
It has an awesome benefit of being able to actually enjoy living here without all this frustration and hate.
It would be amazing, and then I'll move into some open-minded country like Australia and go all in with dating, sexual experience and searching for my end-goal girl.

If not - I will accept our current friendship. Honestly I am terrified of losing it by going full-on into relationship. That is probably my biggest fear with it - not letting go "girls pursuit" for the couple of years. This connection that we have is amazingly supportive and valuable - so I will have her by my side, even if it won't be sexual and my thoughts will always be there.

It will be a win anyway - to have her around in any format.
Though I would probably fall back into frustration with local dating scene, if I need to return to it.
It is probably the fun country for PUAs and travellers to train approaches and hookup - but living here with my mindset is a fucking nightmare. And I will have to put my effort again into approaches and Tinder, inefficiently slapping my way across the sea of different-minded people. I would rather focus on my business side, but I'm gonna have to choose dating to at least stay sane.

There are serious pros and cons to every decision. But it has been made from my side - I suggested it. The outcome is up to her now.
The wait for it is a bit frustrating. And any decision will require serious adjustments from my side.

I probably won't be very productive in the near future. I don't want to face it all. I want to sleep or be distracted in any way. My workplace tasks suffer. My 365p project, while ongoing, suffers. My mental state suffers.
Even the gym and diet motivation suffers - I will still do it, the habits are there, but it requires effort now.
 
Hey man,

I'm surprised to read that you're already considering getting into a monogamous relationship, but I can understand your point of view as I lived in a garbage place dating wise for most of my life (and will still argue that Switzerland is one of the worst countries in the world for dating).

But don't you think that it's weird as fuck to offer monogamy with "an expiration date" to a girl? I mean, at least you're honest with your intentions, but it still feels like you're not valuing her enough to offer her a truly long term commitment.

I get that you're may be stuck in Serbia for some time, but I still think that it would be wiser to focus on moving to a better place ASAP instead of committing to a temporary relationship out of scarcity. I did the same shit (except for the expiration date) - thrice - and it backfired on me every fucking time.

You're a smart guy. I'm sure you thought a lot before making this proposition, but the way you expressed it in your post screams that it's not what you truly want. You would prefer (and be happier) somewhere else.
 
Feb 9-12
I have a huge update about these last days and my situation with T

Lord Rey Thanks for the insight - you were totally right.
I definitely wrote the last post in weird state - I was torn between wanting this girl closer in my life and my life's purpose.
I was overwhelmed by desperation and frustrated with local dating scene.

The way I proposed 1-2 years relationship was not sound and aligned with myself.
I probably didn't believe it myself - it felt like I've been wronging my very nature.
That was true. I can see it now.

But it didn't turn out to be true afterwards and was eye-opening for me in the next days.

I got another proof that there are literally no bad decisions. Even the most controversial of them is an opportunity to learn and know ourselves better.
It may not feel like that in the moment though - with all the anxiety, pain and doubts.
It still gonna be ok though - this week got me to believe it even more.

I can be really frustrated with dating aspect of this country sometimes. I may make some irrational decisions.
But the reality is - I believe this is still the best place for my overall self-improvement. Finance/security, comfort, culture and climate sides here are adding to me greatly. I just need to manage dating side to some baseline-enjoyable level (on which I will probably focus again hard in the near future)

___

To add context about "relationship with an expiration date":

You know, I feel like I've removed the concept of "from that moment and forever" even in the most serious relationships. Everything ends eventually - it is inevitable. In my mind it needs to be embraced, not avoided in panic.
If I could have only 2 years with this girl - that is my reality. It cannot be otherwise.

Would I pass it on, just because it will end at specified time and not at random?
I feel that it would be a mistake.

If I'm choosing this commitment - it is like a contract:
Oh I'm going to make it such a big focus and going to crush it.
I would bust my ass so we would become much better people after it, and so we could look back at these years as one of the best times in our life.
It would have literally been my focus as long as this relationship existed - and then we would have went on to build something else, separately.

___

So after that day when I talked with her about this, I has basically left with two decisions - remain friends and continue with my lifestyle, or go into serious relationship and focus on it and biz.
Recovered from my initial surprise, I started thinking what this relationship entailed - and became much more excited about this idea.
I had monogamous relationships in the past. First was not a really good one. And second I already made much much better.
And I even didn't know a fraction of what I do now - of all the techniques, commitment and going all-in.
So with this knowledge I KNEW that if I would get into relationship - I would make it fucking glorious.

I even had the thought - I actually would want this. I would have really wanted that in my life - I would be much happier and productive for these years.
It is not my "end-goal". But it would have been an awesome "current goal".

So for two days after I thought that I made that choice already - and that the decision was up to her.

It IS logical and true in reality to wait for the outcome and then do next actions. But for some reason I was really anxious about her choice.

___

"I need her to make a decision" echoed in my mind. And… I questioned myself on it.
I realised the I - Personally, didn't make the decision. I just made a suggestion and delegated the decision side to her.

Then I asked myself - what would I really want, if I had these 2 choices before ME.


And I decided - I REALLY FUCKING WANT that relationship with her.

I surprised myself with it. Honestly, I didn't think that I would choose it that fast in my "new life". But I saw the immense potential. I saw that, though I would need to focus on this relationship instead of my dating improvement - it would be amazing. I was really excited about it.
I knew that I wanted to go all in with it now.
To build an awesome relationship, even with an "expiration date".

And I know her well enough - she would have been totally on my side with this.

___

So after this inquiry, I realised that this relationship is what I would really want - with HER, in THIS moment.

I also realised how indecisive I sounded before - "well, hm, here is this choice if you want it, so we could be close as well. Yeah I had a different lifestyle before but now I would consider this if you would stay with me" - that is how I sounded like.

It changed to - "I fucking want this relationship with you. I am going all in with it and we're gonna make it work". I stopped anxiously waiting for her decision - in my mind I chose my path. "It has already happened in the future"

This choice gave me IMMENSE clarity of mind.
I asked myself - I am on this path, I am fully committed to it already. What is my next action?
I recorded a message to her saying exactly what I wrote before.

Next action?
Fuck thinking - do the crazy shit. I jumped in a taxi to her house, called her on the phone saying I want her to meet me in front.
I told her everything in person. We went to a cafe, talking about this stuff.

I had absolutely no doubt inside my mind. In my mind we were already together in the future.
So I just had to live the "prelude" to it, fully embracing every second.
We spent 3 hours being together, talking and hanging out.

___

Honestly, guys, that was one of the best moments in my life.
Even though she had still not decided what it will be, I didn't need her to - I had enough belief in my mind that it was real.
It was such a strange concept - I got to be in love, without it happening yet. I didn't think it was possible for me at this time. It seems it was.

It just needed to be the really same-minded matching girl - and she is exactly that. If not for the monogamy thing - it is exactly the girl I would imagine for my life's "end goal" - so I got to live that dream now, even if for a moment.

This mindset shift gave me clarity. I was living as if I was with her already, fully happy knowing "it had already happened in the future". I had no anxiety at all. I focused on me, 365 project and books without distractions.

___

Fast forward two days to this Sunday. She tells me that she decides to remain friends.

I surprised myself second time.
I was not really devastated by that AT ALL.
I was sad. I had to grieve walking for an hour afterwards.
But my mind immediately switched - "Okay, relationship path is closed. This is my new reality. Let's go all in with being friends. I'm going to make it the best friendship possible."

Clarity of mind remained. I chose a different focus. I had absolutely no thoughts about "missing out" or "how I could do something better"
Because I knew I was 100% in before, I knew that I did everything I could.
I had no regrets at all.

It was really cathartic.

___

In my mind, I feel like I've cheated reality:

I got to live in the relationship with her for 4 days, without any proof in real life. I got to experience this immense closeness and feelings for a couple of hours when we were together on that day. And to pay for that I only got to be sad and grieve for 1-2 hours.
And now I get to go all in without any doubts to building a friendship with her.

Sounds like a fucking WIN to me.

Funny that she probably haven't felt any of that - it was just a product of my intense imagination and believing in the decision I made.
 
To mention the other events of last days:

- Recording videos for 365p, at 2 days of buffers currently
- Posted 2 articles on my blog, and worked on some drafts as well
- That virgin girl that "quit" me 2 weeks ago - I am warming up to her again. I probably will see her soon, still carefully though. She is still awesome, I can feel some attraction to her again. And she fucking drawn a sketch of my portrait from one of the photos she took - holy shit no one had done that to me before.
- I finally started preparing for vasectomy! Found the clinic (had to go there in person to talk in english) and signed up for the initial required tests.
- Had a talk with my last remaining FWB (this 33yo woman) - about that possible relationship I'm getting into. In hindsight it was a false alarm - but I still like that I was completely honest with her. She was in a bad state for while, so my update made her angry - and here I noticed my progress - I was not blaming myself even for a second. I knew that was her state, her story - it had nothing to do with me. I did everything the best I could, I had no intentions to hurt her - and I just calmly was here for her while she expressed her emotions. I got to practice outcome independence and stoicism at its fullest - amazing! And after she wanted to have "closure" sex which was nice as well - though I would have been okay with anything - I was there to support her, not to get laid.
 
17.03, successes:
- went to social meetup (first time in a month) for 3 hours and talked with people as much as I could
- recorded 2 vids for 365p
- used boost on Tinder
- made this post, let go of "having to explain" all of last month
 
24.03 log
- recorded 364p vid
- went out on the street approach girls for 3 hours. No approaches but stayed out there
- boost tinder
- went to meetup. Sat next to awesome girls there and tried to talk. Couldn't do much and got lightheaded from talking loudly.
- then went out with them and some other people to a bar outside for an hour more.

When they went to the club next, I couldn't take having no attention to me anymore and went home

Overall I'm feeling shitty - I portrayed myself quite reserved and lame. Couldn't talk properly. Couldn't be interesting.

Spending 2 hours near to girls was reminding me how bad I miss attention and touch
Was nice to speak with girls at least.

Other Positives - I stayed out today for as much as I could. I am also trying to reframe it all to the positive.

It is okay that I feel so pathetic, right? I'm not gonna quit. I'm gonna go there over and over again. I'm gonna learn how to talk with people and how to be interesting.
Also gonna text one girl from there that I really liked. Who knows what can happen.

I won't quit, so I will learn how to be valuable eventually. That is all I can say to myself today - just jeep going, no matter what
 
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