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GN's Progress Log - Self-Love Arc: A bit better this week + Physique Update

Bad news, I contacted the guy and he said I could only borrow a camera if I was using it for a class. I didn't want to lie because likely I would have had to make it elaborate.

I will probably just have to bite the bullet and buy one off Mercari or something.
 
9/18

Woke Up early today cuz I thought maybe I could get in some extra work but ended up falling back asleep again. I mainly spent today studying for my MicroBio Exam.

I wore this new jacket I got for my bday. Its very different from what I am used to. I like it but I need to get good at styling it. Tell me what you guys think I should do with it. I attached it in this entry.

I had volunteering and I was working with this new girl, she seemed pretty cute and I was making good conversation but pussied out of asking for a number cuz I think it would just be too weird if I asked my literal co-volunteer. If it went bad it would just look weird. I could just be overthinking though. That makes todays approach, kind of a lazy one since I am so nervous about the exam.

I had research after and I think tomorrow I will actually be doing stuff so I am happy at least I am not pointlessly wasting 2-3 hours a weekday. While I was in the main office one of the girls who is in the lab came back and asked me how my Monday was going. I just talked about preparing for Microbio. When I first met her she seemed very shy and didn't talk a lot. Today I feel like she was talking much more and while we spoke I felt like she was telling me a lot more about her research and what she was working on. I was just adding commentary a bit.

This part could just be me overthinking but while I was watching my recorded Anatomy lecture in the office I think out of the corner of my eye she was taking glances at me. Or maybe she just has wandering eyes and tends to just look in odd directions. I couldn't tell if her eyes were looking at me or if she just happened to turn her head that way. I guess I wanna believe she is attracted to me for the sake of my ego, but maybe she is just the kind of girl who is shy around new people but once she gets comfortable she is more of herself.

Also, good news. This person I reached out to for a photoshoot said she could help me out. Her pics seem much more candid than the other person. She only charges 50/hr and does take cash so I can probably widthdraw the cash from my bank after transfer from venmo. She uses a Canon Rebel T7, a decent DSLR. I did send her a recent text about making sure they are candid but she hasn't responded, i also showed her some sample pics from this forum and she said she can make it work.

The one girl I went on a date with in April I am still texting. Today I tried to see if I could pull a fast one to lead into asking for a second date, specifically one that ends up back at my place. Basically I said "wyd rn" attached to some other message. She then said she was doing HW and research work. I said I was studying for microbio, then took some downtime to look for new recipes to cook. My intention was that she would maybe ask what I was looking for so I could say something THEN ask if she wanted to join me. But she responded saying Good luck on my exam and how its important to take breaks. Its a nice message but I don't want to draw this out, just want to gauge if I can get a second date out of her. Not sure how to segway into it so I may need advice, or I will just figure it out myself.

My current idea is to say something maybe slightly flirty about how she needs a break too and maybe showing her a good time? This could go horribly wrong.

I also had ballroom dance club. ISTG I for the life of me cannot get a good opportunity to speak to that one dirty blonde gal. She is hella friendly and shit so like people are always talking to her. I also have my friend always talking to me too. At this point I am finna give up on her unless I see her outside club cuz I cannot make this shit work without looking like an orbiter. Utterly ridiculous.
 
9/19

I had to head to the research lab again first thing in the morning. They actually had me doing some cool shit today so I was actually happy to be doing stuff. Right after I was done though I had to straight hit Microbio Studying again. My test is tommorow morning, luckily no short answer questions so as long as I sleep good I should be on my game.

Been severely lacking in quality of approaches. Whenever I have an exam coming up in a few days I really don't feel like approaching girls because I feel I need to spend every free hour I have studying. My grades weren't the best last year so I gotta make sure they on point this sem and next sem. Usually when that happens my approaches are more so just me talking to a girl casually but the enviornment is not good for asking for numbers/to get drinks so I don't ask. It is still good to talk to new girls daily for the reps though, at least I feel significantly less intimidated by hot girls and I don't feel like I am "less" than they are.

I think the girl I was "gaming" caught on to my whole plan to get a second date and probably is not responding, tho tbf her last text I took a whole 12+ hours to respond cuz I kept tryna figure out a way to segway into asking if she wanted to come back to my place.

The girl who agreed to do a photoshoot for me said we would meet next week. I told her that was actually a good idea since I want to get a haircut and fix my eyebrows. Wednesdays are generally super busy for me but my local barbershop has 12$ cuts on Wednesdays when normally its like 30$+ . I only have time next Wednesday, plus the pics will come really good if its like less than a week after a fresh cut. My current hair looks dumb. I also told her I wanted a dance pic with hopefully another girl but she had nothing to really add. I will just tell her to focus on the core pics right now (according to foducossy42 ) like a walking shot, shot of me cooking, and a shot of me sitting w/ a drink or sum.

----------------------------

Here is the "plan":

One idea I have though is that one girl I know, maybe I can come up with an elaborate excuse.

One picture idea is to have a pic of me doing ballroom dancing with my partner. I play lead and my partners follow so maybe what I could do is ask an attractive girl I know if she could be my partner for the shoot.

I can say it’s a “club activity” where basically I am teaching people unfamiliar with dance how to dance and shit. Just a bunch of teaching babble. Hopefully they eat it up. It’s a gigantic lie though but this might work.

What I could do is pick a dance involving more close physical contact and hopefully have her looking at me so it looks more “sexual” and makes me look more desirable.

But honestly who knows if the juice is worth the squeeze here

------------------


I need at least 4 pics to ooze sex appeal in order to make this profile good. The goal is all six but I have one good photo right now, I need 3 really good ones.

I also need to figure out how to get a picture of me with some girls. There is some dance social thing idk how it is going to be but if there are a decent amount of girls there or some cute girls from my dance club maybe I will just try to play it cool w/ them and hopefully get some good pictures.

Otherwise I devised some "plan" to get a dance partner I can "teach". Its basically a gigantic sharade because I am too pussy to say its for dating apps cuz everyone thinks actually putting effort into dating apps is retarded (even though its the only way to actually do good on them). I will copy and paste it from the thread on Dating app pictures.

I "approached" some girl in the gym today. Asked her to spot me and she seemed kind. Asked her name, had some small talk, but left it at that. Just want to get this exam over with and get back in the game.

Got some more FB marketplace offers but all lowballs. I am kind of struggling with anger lately as I am constantly thinking about self improvement and just getting stuff done and wanting girls/sex that my bullshit tolerance drops by the day. I really had to hold myself back from saying "go fuck yourself" to half the offers I was getting pitched. I also just generally find myself thinking more "aggressive" thoughts like wanting to physically hurt people who do annoying shit. Like talking about hitting another lowballer over the head with a steel pipe. I can tell its not very healthy, I could just be going through a bout of genuine life frustration.
 
What are some good accessories that aren't too pricy but look masculine enough to stand out a little. My budget is like 30$ until I can get more money from selling stuff.

I am thinking like a necklace/small chain or a ring. I don't really know what looks good on me until I try it, but there aren't any good Men's clothing stores nearby. They are either stores only selling university merch or they are women's clothing stores :roll:
 
9/20

I think I need to stop treating this log like a personal journal, will try to get better at making these shorter.

Microbio Exam today. It was not hard at all but I feel like I was overconfident coming into the class since I knew a lot of the stuff early on when he introduced new stuff I didn't think much of it. Did not do bad on the test (like a 79), but I KNOW I can do way better. I will take this class more seriously from now on.

Lab Right after, not too difficult. My teammates are more cooperative now, I am more acquainted with the lab.

Finish Lab, go get food from food truck. I saw a cute brown skin girl right next to the truck and strike up conversation with her. Say we should meet up some time and I get her number. Get my food, eat, then go to anatomy lab.

Anatomy lab is pretty normal except one of my undergrad TAs is really fucking cute and I want to try and say something or make a move but I am scared it will be awkward since she is my TA after all. She is like a year younger than me though. Maybe if I see her outside lab I will make a move.

After Anatomy Lab I had to go take a PBiochem Quiz, not too hard. Finish Quiz then go to the gym. I made a huge mistake going to the big gym on a weekday evening. It is packed. I was only able to finish 4/6 exercises before it got too late. Note to self, go to the smaller gyms on weekdays and big gym only on weekends. On the bright side, at least working out somewhat when time is tight is better than nothing.

Want to set up a banger ass OLD profile ASAP. My brother might mail me one of his used accessories. Planning some fits too. My photographer and I talked ideas. Hopefully next Saturday we can get in a shit ton of pics and have some usable ones.
 
GN44 said:
What are some good accessories that aren't too pricy but look masculine enough to stand out a little. My budget is like 30$ until I can get more money from selling stuff.

I am thinking like a necklace/small chain or a ring. I don't really know what looks good on me until I try it, but there aren't any good Men's clothing stores nearby. They are either stores only selling university merch or they are women's clothing stores :roll:
Click to expand...

Look at:

Shein
Asos

And similar Chinese-made whitelabeled (or not) companies.
 
I have been feeling like giving up trying to quit porn. In between this and having no success at cold approach/warm approach it is getting too difficult to stay away. But I want to regardless.

Wondering if I should try to switch to more "softer material" like bikini pictures/regular nudes and then slowly wean off till I don't use it? Or is just cold turkey the best option.
 
GN44 said:
Wondering if I should try to switch to more "softer material" like bikini pictures/regular nudes and then slowly wean off till I don't use it? Or is just cold turkey the best option.
Click to expand...

Try reading this: https://easypeasymethod.org/

Best way to quit is to change your mental framing. So you internally don’t want to do it. You see no point in it.

It is the same like if me or you walk down the street and see a heroin dealer. Nothing happens. No crawings. I don’t want to take heroin.

That book seems to be helpfull with that.

I tried the best blockers out there. Different willpower methods. Does not work for me.

There are so many ways to get to this stuff. You just need one bad moment and you are back at it.

The only way is to think. Like someone who does not give a fuck about it thinks.
 
Red said:
GN44 said:
Wondering if I should try to switch to more "softer material" like bikini pictures/regular nudes and then slowly wean off till I don't use it? Or is just cold turkey the best option.
Click to expand...

Try reading this: https://easypeasymethod.org/

Best way to quit is to change your mental framing. So you internally don’t want to do it. You see no point in it.

It is the same like if me or you walk down the street and see a heroin dealer. Nothing happens. No crawings. I don’t want to take heroin.

That book seems to be helpfull with that.

I tried the best blockers out there. Different willpower methods. Does not work for me.

There are so many ways to get to this stuff. You just need one bad moment and you are back at it.

The only way is to think. Like someone who does not give a fuck about it thinks.
Click to expand...

I read that. I honestly owe it for keeping me clean the ENTIRE month of March, but for some reason my sex drive spiked in early April to the point I was masturbating like 5 times a day. I ended up relapsing to porn and didn't really start taking recovery seriously again until September.

My computer has blockers for the popular sites and almost all of Reddit which is where I used to source almost all my porn. But sadly it doesn't block everything. If I put blockers on my phone it sometimes blocks stuff I need like this site.

Thats why quitting porn is so hard. All it takes to relapse is one bad day and an internet connection. Hell I have relapsed not even to videos but to just swimsuit models. At one point during my recovery I wrote MY OWN erotica and got off to it. So even if I made it impossible to see women sexually on the internet, I could still relapse with audio, erotica, or self-written erotica.

I do want to quit. I have seen massive benefits to quitting. My biggest is that I am far more socially confident and it is way easier to approach cute and hot girls. I don't feel like I am less than them.

It is just sometimes I lose hope. I see other people give up and accept porn as a normal part of their lives, and I feel alone in my beliefs. That I want to fight back against this monster instead of accepting it.

My end goal is to have a good sex life to the point I don't need porn whether thats a good amount of casual sex or a gf with a great personality and is attractive.
 
9/21

Research in the morning. Starting to enjoy it a bit more as well as working with my colleagues but still can't get over the feeling of losing so much time in a day.

Met my therapist today. We mainly discussed my general hopelessness surrounding quitting porn on whether or not it is even possible. She sent me some self-help books that I think I will buy one or two and see if that helps. The thing I hate most about this is there is no straightforward solution. Initially I thought being outside the whole day would tire me out to when I get back to my room I am too tired to get horny. Well now I end up finding myself horny even right before going to bed. Sometimes even in the morning right as I wake up. The worst part is sometimes when I am outside I think I build anticipation to watch porn, I try to stop myself by diverting my focus to other things but that does not always work.

I had PBiochem right after and I still am so lost in this class. I have an exam next week and I am so fucked if I cannot get my shit together by then. Did some studying afterwards.

Went to two club meets today. First one only one of my friends shows up. I talk to some girls there but can't really get a full conversation going. It is pretty difficult when the girls huddle up into their own groups.

Decided to hit up ballroom right after. Saw that dirty blonde gal. At the end of the session I just said "fuck it" and first asked her an innocuous question, then asked her for her number. Managed to get it, so happy I actually made a move instead of giving up and saying it was too hard.
 
9/22

Was my mom's bday so that was nice

Slower day in comparison, just finished up my PBiochem HW and caught up on Anatomy some more. Still got one lecture to go for that one. I have a PBiochem exam this coming Thursday and Anatomy <2 weeks from now and I have barely started studying seriously. Gonna spend most of the weekend just doing that.

Some guy messaged me this morning inquiring about a fleshlight I put up for sale. I told him I have two others and he agreed to buy all 3 I had. I cleaned them and sold them all for like 100. Massive Lowball on my end but I wanted to get rid of them and selling these is HARD.

I went to the grocery store and bought some ingredients for a new recipe I found online I will mealprep for the coming week.

I followed Total's guide and texted that brown-skin girl again, just sent something like "How was your week", got a response, but then sent something. Nothing back yet sadly.

I also texted that dirty blonde girl, she was hitting me back fast. Felt hopeful. I asked her what she had planned for the week/weekend like Total's guide said to do. Thats when she dropped it on me she had a bf. PAIN. I got way too invested in her because she was really sweet and I failed to approach her several times before I bit the bullet and did it right. At least I did it though right? Better than just watching from the sidelines. I need to bite the bullet way quicker. Failed approaches get me way too invested in girls. It has gotta be do or die now. I can't care what other people think of me anymore.

I went to a corn maze with the dance club, it was a ton of fun. Great bonding with some of the members. This was the kind of experiences I was looking for when I came to college. Glad I got a taste. I am really gonna miss this when I graduate.

I talked to some other girls in the club today too that I usually don't talk to. They also had bfs so failed warm approach I guess?

Fighting a lot of self-pity thoughts. Feels crazy considering my whole motto/favorite quote is "Stop pitying yourself, pity yourself and the world becomes an endless nightmare". When the dirty blonde girl told me she had a bf I just got hit with "maybe I am just destined to be a loser" and that this whole self improvement thing is a "fool's errand". Sometimes I think "maybe I will have to settle for a chick I don't care for". Though for that last part, my solution is to just build such a fulfilling life for myself that being single for some time isn't a big deal at all.

I am also struggling to stay away from porn. I have been able to stay clean for the past five days but I have been DANGEROUSLY close to peeking. On the searchbar I type in the kind of video/picture I want to watch/look at. I have not given in but this week has just been HELL. On my month log the entire week is like blotted red since I have had strong urges everyday.

I try and comfort myself with the whole "I am doing more than most other people, I will get to where I want to be in due time, you've come so far", "who else is taking their appearance super seriously, picking up new hobbies, eating better, caring about fitness, studying for a high paying job, talking to new women everyday, trying to quit porn, refusing to wreck their body with weed/drugs, not wasting time on videogames, researching RNA/proteins, becoming a good cook, etc", and some of Andy's articles about how "Normal people aren't as driven as you". Though even some days I wonder if thats just a massive cope for possibly being destined to be a loser.

The great thing is though, whenever I try to rationalize why I am destined to be a loser. I never come to a logical conclusion. I have evidence to prove that is not totally true, plus anyone who puts in a lot of effort is bound to get SOMETHING out of it, even if it isn't what they first want. Like cold approach, I am not getting dates from it atm but it has increased my confidence and positively adjusted my attitude among women. This could translate well down the line, especially in more social settings with new girls.

I think I also got a buyer I plan to meet with to buy about 160$ worth of collectibles from me. We set up a time and location. Hoping this goes well.
 
9/25

Busy day. Was not able to get in an approach as I am seriously anxious about this PBiochem Exam I have coming this week. On the bright side on Saturday I managed to sell off all my collectibles so now I pocketed an extra 300$. First 100$ is going towards my photoshoot on Saturday. I was considering getting a tat ASAP but i have more complications. Plus I can make more easy money from donating plasma, and if I get a tattoo now I have to wait 4-6 months before making some extra cash.

Today I just went to my lab and started studying for my exam. I am starting to grasp this class just a little bit by the day. I really wish I did not procrastinate just because I found this class really difficult. I don't usually procrastinate but when I find a subject taking way more effort to understand, or I lack resources. I procrastinate heavily.

I had volunteering and research back to back and it was a lot but luckily I finished an hour early. I went across campus for some dinner and hoped I could find some girl to approach, but somehow I found nobody. ISTG some days it just feels like no girl is approachable. Either they seem to be going somewhere, with a friend, etc. But I will keep looking.

I studied some more then went to dance club, didn't really try anything with any girls after that one girl last week. I need to give it rest to not build a bad reputation.

Overall kinda mid day, kinda ticked I didn't get my approach in for the day. Hopefully I can do two tomorrow but I am really fucking busy until Thursday.
 
9/26

Forgot to update yesterday. Yesterday I was really on edge and I felt an internal intension building inside me. The fact I am spending so much time in a research lab only to get a piece of paper (letter of rec) from my professor is aggravating. This feels like a part time job I am not even getting paid for. It eats so much time I could use to study I am juggling everything all at once. Trying to get laid, get good grades, stay healthy, have a good social life, beat porn, etc.

In the lab there was this one machine that was so annoying to use I had to hold back swearing way more than I did. I was afraid my professor heard me say "fuck this 1920s ass dial phone ass POS machine". I just found myself about to lash out because I feel like this is a waste of three hours. I have two tests coming up, one in a class I am totally clueless about, and the other which is straightforward but requires great commitment to memorization. The second I haven't had a moment to sit down and seriously study. I also had a bunch of random Microbiology assignments due before Wednesday lab, so I had to waste time doing those. PBiochem class was just review for the exam. I just found myself walking around campus just so pissed off about everything stressing me out. In the heat of the moment I remembered something my dad said that pissed me off. I have nobody in my immediate circle I could talk about my porn addiction with and get some understanding from them. I had one person last sem and the sem before, but she used to be an alcoholic. However I think it is pretty close as alcohol is everywhere just like porn. I miss being able to talk to her about this, she was so understanding and supportive. I ended up turning to my dad once she left and a few weeks ago I had a relapse and I confided in him and he was like "again" as if it was some casual thing. I told him how hard porn is to beat and he just kept comparing it to his college days when the main source of porn was magazines. He said people would trade magazines.

It was late that night and I didn't want to argue with him so I just left the topic. I confronted him on Tuesday about it about his lack of understanding. How upset I was one of the people in my life I trust the most didn't even try to understand what porn put me through. He told me he was sorry if he came off that way and he would try to make an effort to understand. A lot of people criticize me for telling my parents about my struggles with addiction but it was just a belief if I had the two people I trust the most supporting me, I felt like any obstacle can be overcome.

We talked a bit and he suggested I try something new. He said to try and "schedule" your PMO, but only keep it to a 15 minute session only using a picture, gif, or erotica. Absolutely no porn videos and no "special" stuff. My main poison atm is trans women, specifically the ones that pass super well. I think I am super into the novelty of it. So in my short sessions, I cannot whack it to trans women.

I also talked with my friend who thinks finding a balance is a better solution than anything, he said a similar thing and said how its important to get at least some release. I was worried since to a degree I think its like giving my addiction an edge. But, I am in the shitter right now so I decided I would try it as a week long experiment. Ill keep tabs on my feelings during it.

I did calm down after getting that off my chest. I studied some and then went to the gym, cranked out a good set and got some chicken quesadillas which were absolute fire. While picking them up I saw this girl who goes to this club I am in. She is kinda cute, but I pussied out of approaching her due to all the bs I dealt with today. I don't like approaching when I am upset because I don't want to accidentally blow a fuse on a girl when I don't mean it.

I studied a little bit after. Sadly ended the day without any approaches, so I had 3 to do the following day.

I tried my dad+friends approach and it did feel kind of odd. Like I am giving my addiction an edge. I felt like before I tried to consolidate all the power over my addiction. But now I am giving the porn a little power.

At the same time, my urges are medium strength at most. Not too hard to handle I would say. So maybe I am actually taking back power and before with cold turkey I was giving porn too much power?

Will continue this experiment.
 
9/27

I woke up pretty normally, my day was super packed and I badly wanted a haircut so I headed to my local barbershop (after picking up some meds from CVS). On Wednesdays they have a special deal (12$ cuts), and open at 9:30. When I got there I was like 6th in line. I tried to cut but got caught, thought I would not make it for my lab at 11, but luckily more barbers clocked in and I managed to get a nice cut before lab. On my way there saw a girl with a unique bookbag, complimented it. She was on her headphones and I tried to get a conversation going but I think she had no interest cuz after I said some stuff she just said "you have a good one now" and put her headphones back. That makes 1/3 approaches for the day.

Showed up to my lab quiz with a fresh fade lol.

Lab went quite smoothly, no major errors and all the experiments went over well. My group and I are getting better at covering work ground despite only being 3 while the other groups have 4 people.

Had some pizza afterwards, shit was fire. I had some free time so I headed to Target to see if I can get an approach in. On my way there saw some redhead sitting on a table. I just said I liked her shirt since it looked like something my mom would own. She said she got it from Italy. I talked a little bit about fashion w/ her but she dropped in the convo she had a bf. So a little after I ended the convo and left. That makes 2/3.

Went to Target, didn't buy anything but saw a girl so I just grabbed a chapstick and waited in checkout line. She had a litterbox in her hand so I asked if she owned a cat. She said she was going to adopt one. I tried to get a conversation going but again barely any interest coming from her. She just wanted to get her shit and go. Once she got to a checkout lane I just put the chapstick away and left. Oh well. 3/3.

Went to anatomy lab, realized the test is next week. Panic. Then try to come up with a plan to study. I will use the disability services to see if I can schedule it a few days later. I am still kinda crushing hard on one of the TAs because she is really pretty, nice, and all but still conflicted about hitting on her. Personally though, my thoughts are don't hit on her in lab, but if I see her outside of lab in a good setting, I will probably shoot my shot.

Went to the gym after, had a good session then got a steak burrito instead. I am seriously addicted to this one Mexican foodtruck we have on our campus. Its ran by 2 latinos and a black man so no wonder the food is BUSSIN. This food is not the healthiest but its much healthier than the other campus bullshit which is packed with sodium and fats. The myfitnesspal app goes nuts when I put in the food.

I scheduled a session with a new tutor today at 9PM my time. He reviewed my material and basically said my professor is just pulling stuff out of his ass without explanation. I agree, my professor is awful at explaining this stuff. He said he would try and find simpler material. I also went online and found some more stuff. I found some lectures from MIT, Tufts, and Texas AM on this material so hopefully I can get a better understanding.

Continued the experiment and I still feel the same. Luckily I don't feel too shitty about it right now and my urges have been medium strength still. But this marks day 2.
 
9/28+9/29

Sorry I haven't been updating my log guys. Got very caught up in school and stuff. I approached two more girls in between these two days. One was older and was already married so that was gone. The other I was more interested in her as a friend but we will see where this goes. I think having more club friends would be good. I have been continuing with the experiment but I think I may have cheated a little bit by watching clips of porn videos thinking it would be fine as long as I did not watch an entire video. It is still an odd feeling, and I think it may be giving me some more social anxiety. My urges still haven't been as bad. It doesn't feel like such a large dopamine rush when you are just viewing maybe one gif, pic, clip, etc of porn. I think a lot of the dopamine rush of porn came from clicking through so many porn gifs, pics, clips, etc in a short period of time. I am constantly flooding my brain with novelty so those pathways are going absolutely bonkers.
 
10/2

PBiochem Exam today. Honestly it was really difficult. It did feel like the homework but I found that tough too since I wasn't sure how to even study for this class. The concepts barely started clicking. I had no idea what I was doing half of the test questions. We will see how this goes. Glad its over.

Had volunteering right after, then research. My mentor wasn't here so I dicked around on YT shorts , then remembered I had Microbio HW and a task my mentor assigned me so I did those. I felt so goddamn tired after the exam I took a thirty minute nap in the office and when I woke up basically everyone was gone. I just attempted to do some anatomy flashcards, and struggled with that due to tiredness.

Went to ballroom dance club right after. I really wasn't trying to do anything, just wanted to chill. My friend showed up. We "made" plans on Saturday, but left it really open ended. He canceled on me because something came up. Initially it made me feel hella shitty, esp considering my photographer cancelled the shoot too. On the bright side I found another photographer and I was more transparent with him about why I wanted this shoot. He said he would take some pics with his camera, the other with his phone. He has a 12 Pro which can shoot in RAW, so hopefully that makes things look genuine.

I talked to my friend after club saying I think I have been too pushy with plans since I am so caught up in "trying to make the most of my final year" and he said I wasn't being pushy and that the plans I have made are just really incongruent since he has multiple friendgroups and one usually meets on the days I usually plan. So I have to adapt.

Ive started trying to go to my club meets without an agenda to hit on a girl since I feel like girls can kind of tell when I am itching to make a move. I noticed I interact better when I am relaxed instead of trying to meet my quota. There was this one girl who does seem kinda cute, but I was half asleep and just thought I will just vibe and if she shows some interest I may go for it. This isn't to say I am quitting cold approach, I may just start putting more emphasis on that but try to build rapport with girls in clubs so its easier to assimilate into their groups.

On the topic of the porn experiment. I am beginning to think this experiment wasn't a success. There is no painless way of quitting porn. I really wish there was but I may have to suffer for some time before success. Even with limited use of porn I can feel my social anxiety coming back as well as the "I am not good enough for cute/hot girls", even though I am wayy better looking than I once was. Honestly, I would rather suffer through 24/7 horniness than feeling like I am not good enough for real women/sex. The social anxiety coming back could also just be due to the stress of studying, but I have always seen when I don't use porn, my social anxiety dwindles. Ill just finish the experiment tommorow to cap off the week, then back to cold turkey.
 
I think the porn experiment took a toll on me and increased my social anxiety again by quite a bit. It also increased the frequency of "I am not good enough for her/there is no way she would be attracted to me" thoughts. I notice they show up more when I have watched porn for some time. So the obvious solution here is to not watch porn, but of course relapses may happen.

Anyone have advice for dealing with those thoughts when they arise?
 
10/3-10/5

Honestly not much to say about these past few days. Haven't stayed as consistent with my approaching due to my social anxiety picking back up again and being stressed over exams. I have probably talked to like three new girls this week and actually had the balls to approach one, which was an instant rejection. One was at ballroom dance club but I figure since I got another girls number so quick I don't want to go for another one instantly. The latest was at a TA's office hours. She is also in my anatomy lab, seems overall like a quiet girl. I asked her about the anatomy exam since she already took it and we just talked about that. Didn't get her number.

I also asked this girl in my Pbiochem class out for some boba but she left me on read. Pain. That girl who I went on my first date ever with I also saw her while she was on her way to class and she texted me that evening telling me she is way too busy to do anything and that it was nice knowing me. So that door is closed on me for good.

Haven't been to the gym since Tuesday. My Anatomy exam is tomorrow. I also sent my photographer some questions. It is looking to be kinda cloudy on Saturday, I am hoping we can still get good photos. I am praying TO GOD he does not cancel. Getting closer to the shoot date I wonder if this is even gonna work out, whether I will actually get results or whether my race will hold me back no matter what I do. Can't say for sure how true it is since foducossy42 is killing it in London even with 9s and 10s.

I try to see some hope in the form of my brother goes to college in California. He is 5ft 6, Indian, and he is absolutely killing it right now. He has a pretty alright Tinder and he is still getting cute girls to match with him. Funny thing though he says most of the girls who are into him are bi. On the other hand I feel like dating is probably easier for him in Cali since its more diverse and here I am in the Midwest toiling away at cold approach. Here my pool is like 95% white girls. Just a leap of faith I guess.

I watched a PWF video about the best tip for OLD and he said to get attractive women's feedback. Personally I don't know lots of attractive women. But there were a few I knew from my first year as well as one I talked to over a year ago. Two are basic white girls who were really nice. This is valuable since they are the primary OLD demographic. Another girl was this asian girl who was on my dorm floor in my first year of college. She is an aspiring model and a fucking SMOKESHOW. Like holy fuck I would say shes at least a 9/10. Those three girls if they respond would be the best for feedback. Other than that I composed a list of women I know/have been attracted to to ask for feedback.

I am also getting a bit better at dealing with porn urges. Watching my social anxiety go up so quickly due to it in real time is very eye opening. I would rather suffer through urges than suffer through social anxiety and feeling not good enough. Fuck porn.
 
GN44 said:
Can't say for sure how true it is since @foducossy42 is killing it in London even with 9s and 10s.
Click to expand...

I need to clarify: I don’t get them all out for a date. I’ve matched with really hot ones but so far no luck actually going on a date with them, generally starting to get 7s and 8s out though. Apparently improving my profile further won’t really help with matches but it should improve compliance (ie I might be able to get them out for a date).

I would say your race will always hold you back. But everyone can improve their outcomes. And I’ll always struggle with matching with white British girls but the Europeans don’t seem to mind. What you need to do is just make sure you don’t look like a fresh of the boat (FOB) brown guy. Wearing American/Western style clothes (good style tho), like how I have a suit or leather jacket etc can help. And you have a better body than I do. So with the right pics there’s a lot of potential to improve.
 
foducossy42 said:
GN44 said:
Can't say for sure how true it is since @foducossy42 is killing it in London even with 9s and 10s.
Click to expand...

I need to clarify: I don’t get them all out for a date. I’ve matched with really hot ones but so far no luck actually going on a date with them, generally starting to get 7s and 8s out though. Apparently improving my profile further won’t really help with matches but it should improve compliance (ie I might be able to get them out for a date).

I would say your race will always hold you back. But everyone can improve their outcomes. And I’ll always struggle with matching with white British girls but the Europeans don’t seem to mind. What you need to do is just make sure you don’t look like a fresh of the boat (FOB) brown guy. Wearing American/Western style clothes (good style tho), like how I have a suit or leather jacket etc can help. And you have a better body than I do. So with the right pics there’s a lot of potential to improve.
Click to expand...

So far it seems you do have your foot in the door at least and ur getting good matches so maybe it is just working on game and compliance.

Holding back as in I won't appeal to as many girls as some other guys? Yeah that makes sense. I am not asking for all the pussy in the world. Just a few good lays is enough for me. I have always thought most brown guys weren't attractive because they dressed like shit and didn't work out. I do have western hobbies (baking/cooking, gym), some niche ones (dance), and wear western clothes. I mainly buy from Banana Republic, Jcrew, Levi's, etc. May need to get a suit tho.
 
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