Feeling a bit disoriented right now. Confused, inexperienced, bewildered.
Some background:
I met this girl that said she was into bdsm/being submissive.
All of her photos had filters on them to some degree, but I thought they were okay enough to ensure she was cute enough to meet.
We matched the day before yesterday or the day before that, chatted a bunch over text (about 8 screenshots in total), set up a hangout for yesterday, and I found out she was an hour's drive away.
I'd done that once before, and had hated it, but she was cute enough that I decided it was worth it to have my first sexperience of January.
I had a meet with family scheduled for 7, and figured I could just barely fit it.
Well, she wanted to go to a lingerie shop that, it turned out (on the date), was a 50-minute drive away from her house (and ~30 from mine, ironically). She couldn't drive because she didn't have a car (one of the big problems of trying to date girls younger than/as old as me outside of a city with public transport).
The date stuff/more important context:
She texted that she planned to be very naughty/bratty on our date. In my head I was like, "okay, whatever, I've talked with "bratty" girls before".
I arrived, and she was skinny (good) but had horse teeth/crooked teeth/yellowing of teeth and smelled like she didn't brush, plus lived in a trailer (bad) and her face was definitely not as pretty as it had looked in any of her pictures (bad). My mind: "okay, we can go on this date but I'm not going to put up with much".
She seemed very shy at first, and I found out she was an adrenaline junkie (illegal street racing, invited to innumerable (>500) parties since she was ~13, her friends were all scared to ride in the passenger seat with her, she didn't believe in slowing down around turns, etc. etc.). Parties, racing, and borderline illegal things were just about all she talked about.
We get to the store, me feeling glad that I got her to open up a bit. We kiss before leaving, her breath is bad and her kiss is mediocre despite her claims that she's a good kisser. Walk around a bit, walk around to a men's section, she keeps telling me "I don't know what to pick. I don't know what to choose" and kept acting like I should give her my input. (It was my first time in that kind of store, so I had no idea but would have been glad to give input if she had a question about something. But she wanted me to choose something for her.) Eventually figured out she was used to the guy (she only had 1 female friend older than 10, mostly hung out with guys) making all the decisions.
We don't buy anything, even though she kept telling me to "buy something" and I kept refusing saying "nothing struck me as something I needed". Very weird kind of behavior, very awkward. The whole time we were in the mall she was very quiet, not very talkative, only really saying "yeah", "no", "not really", or suggestions about where to go in next.
We get naked/I get confused & frustrated/the stuff I'm very troubled about:
We go back to my car, I say hop in the backseat to chat some more (similar to the past 2 lays I got while stuck at my parents' house--the backseat is a bench seat whereas the front seat has an annoying divider), then I did some flirting, she was giving me the eyes and leaning in like she wanted to kiss while I demonstrated some of my back massage skills on her shoulders, neck, and light tugging on her hair (a handy escalation habit for seeing if she's into hair pulling). We start kissing, then making out, and I start getting our clothes off piece by piece. When I reach her boobs, they're bigger than they looked (she looked an A or B cup, was at least a C) but very saggy/not supple/no spring to them.
At some point we're both down to our underwear and she's been compliant this whole time, not showing any brattiness, she's barely talked at all when we've gotten in the car (even when I asked what she was into, she would stay quiet or say enigmatically "you'll find out").
Then at some point, either when I mention something about her not being bratty or when I shifted off to get a condom ready and handy or when I found she was ticklish, she started being noncompliant about me touching her boobs, kissing her, massaging her clit, etc.
I get her underwear off and finger her at some point. She's trying to push away my arms and stuff in a play-fighting way, not something I'm used to, I keep trying to ask her if she likes/doesn't like something or ask what she wants/likes and she keeps giving me no helpful verbal answers, only moaning and that beautiful pose of her jaw going slack and eyes widening when I massage her clit just right. She also sometimes moves my hand
She gets progressively more forceful with her arms and legs, turning away from me and trying to grab my arms. I take it as a game because she's being playful, but then my alarm goes off. I set that alarm for when we should leave and take her home so that I could get to my family on time, but I had some leeway in the alarm so I shut it off and go back to trying to pin her arms above her head. She taunts me saying "I'm stronger than you" and doesn't respond to me when I try to make a safe word to make sure I'm not choking her too roughly (I still can't tell, after trying it on 5-8 different girls, how tight/rough is too much/just right/too little), says stuff like "you think you're going to distract me like that" when I kiss her (I SHOULD HAVE SAID "yes, you guessed exactly what I had in store... and it's working *wink*" but I replied "no" and said something logical about us both enjoying it).
At this point I'm getting annoyed, we only have a little bit of time before I need us to go. I should have said so right when my alarm went off, but I was too caught up in the moment. I actually notice myself choking her hard out of emotional frustration and not just with the intent of pleasing her, and at that point back off from it because I don't want to be getting angry, that kind of combative frame is not what I want sex to be.
I think I can still try to pin her arms, take off my underwear, and get the condom on, but I don't know how to "get her" to start being submissive and stop this behavior she calls "bratty". I get her arms to a position where I'm able to hold them both with one of mine, and she starts whining that her arms hurt/are starting to cramp. I tell her to use the safe word I suggested before if she's really wanting me to stop. She resists and insists that her arms hurt and she wants me to stop, acting like a child, I repeat that she should use the safe word and repeat it for her and wait until she uses it before I let her up. This felt very dark for me. This girl was not responding in a way to where I could tell what she wanted or not. What I knew of as "bratty" behavior was all verbal, I thought they were supposed to be submissive in bed? And it made no sense to me that she should start being non-verbally "bratty" in the middle, telling me she's "won", telling me she's stronger, etc.
(By the way, if I was smart or took a moment to think, I would have used my tank top to tie her arms. Maybe I could have posed it like a fun challenge: "I'll tie your arms up with this knot and this shirt, and if you let me tie it up like this, then if you struggle out of this knot I won't be allowed to use this knot or this shirt again." And then used my childhood knowledge to tie a square knot around just above her wrists to avoid injury but keep it difficult for her to struggle out of. Then if she struggled against it, and found she couldn't get out of it, and gave up, I could then use that time to please her body and stuff myself.)
I could pin her arms down and wrestle her legs open with my legs, and rub her clit with my knee, but besides that it seemed like we were at an impasse. I realized that I didn't think I could do anything to "beat" her without resorting to physical pain/forcing/beating to distract/disable her for long enough. I still had my underwear on, hadn't opened the condom, and at this point wasn't even hard anymore. This wasn't sexy. This wasn't fun. This was just frustrating.
She was struggling as hard as she could to keep me from touching any of her privates or spanking her. She even slapped my face lightly but repeatedly at one point in our interlock. It felt like she was taunting me to have my way, and she was having fun closing herself off from me and trying to have me chase. She definitely enjoyed any time I sucked on her breast or fingered her down under, her lack of verbal communication didn't cut off the physical, primal signals I got from her. It felt like she wanted a r*pe fantasy. She seemed to want me to force my way with her. She wanted me to be so dominant and dangerous that I took what I wanted from her. She'd tried bdsm and being bratty before (I learned before and reaffirmed after), so she must have been used to a much more primal, aggressive kind of sexual dance with guys I'd term "roughnecks" (for reference, she left most parties she was invited to a. when the vibe dropped, b. when the police arrived, or c. when people started pulling out their guns).
And then as all these thoughts were going through my head, it was dark enough outside that I noticed a security vehicle patrolling (yes, we were doing this in the backseat of a vehicle with untinted front windows in the middle of a public parking lot of a mall) with its lights flashing and going slow, and me feeling very much like this was getting close to r*pe territory, and thinking how from an outside point of view it could look like someone was getting beat or forced sexually and how easy it would be for her to claim I was abusing her or doing something nonconsensual (and she seemed unhinged enough to be unpredictable in how she'd answer). And on top of that, I looked at the clock and could see already I would be late to the dinner my family was putting on to see me off before I left for school, and didn't have time to waste on this ridiculousness.
Then, she either challenged me for something and I said "no, I think I'll get my pants on instead" and rolled off and started putting my pants on to show it wasn't just a bluff, or while still underneath me she said "I'm thirsty, let's go get coffee" and I replied the same and got my pants on. Either way, she seemed disappointed, but started putting her pants on too and repeating that she was thirsty and "let's go to Starbucks" and "let's go get coffee", whining like a kid.I'd half-hoped by freezing her out she would get needy enough to have sex that she would open herself up to me, but no, she was too used to following the guy's lead completely and not going for what she wanted nor expressing herself better than a child.
No matter, I replied to her that "no, only good girls get coffee, you were too bratty" as a teasing way to say no, and when she kept whining on about it I firmly said the (somewhat childish) safeword to show I was serious (and to be honest, quite tired of her shit), and said, "no, I'm late enough already, hop in front, we're taking you home."
We got our clothes on, then I took her home. I didn't talk much. I didn't try to rationalize my decision or thinking, as much as I wanted to. I tried to sort out my thoughts and why I was so upset at her. Why couldn't she just have some point where she could say I "won" and she could give in without me having to strangle her or something??? Why did she have to be so difficult when we would both enjoy it more if she let me in and submitted to it? I couldn't understand or justify her behavior as something I could understand as just "bratty", and it was during this drive that I realized she probably did have a r*pe fantasy and wanted me to fulfill that for her, though she was showing some bratty traits.
But I was too weak/inexperienced/in my head to give her something like that. AND, she was not communicating at all about what she liked beyond the coy "you'll find out" and the obvious things like guiding my hands up to her neck, moaning when I played with her nipples/clit, etc. Well, joke's on her, guess I never quite found out.
I realized what I've done in past sexperiences is largely only "soft/light" bdsm and that I really have little idea of how to make (and I hate that phrase but don't know what else to say, she wants me "to make her" submit) her give in and enjoy it submissively when she wants it intense like that. I knew losing my temper wasn't an option, nor was giving into her frame and saying "yes, I am the pussy. You are stronger than me. You win. etc." but I didn't have a good frame for a third option. Maybe someone like Holden or Manly Cockfellow knows more about how to act in this situation to turn it into something more fun for both parties and bring the girl to a place of submission, but I have no idea.
I'm vowing not to drive to a girl who's an hour away or more again. It's not worth it at all based on my past experiences. They end up being fat, unsightly, unhinged, damaged, poor communicators, in a very bad place financially, all the sorts that I don't want to get mixed up in. I want a nice girl who's got some modicum of social intelligence, and that's nary impossible to find in the country around my area on dating apps OR in person unless I put myself into the "religious dating for one-time-marriage pool" and sign myself up for 5-10 years of misery, divorce, kids, logistical nightmares, and all that other crap that's bound to happen in this modern era. I need to move to a big city ASAP once I graduate college.
I think I like gentle sex or very communicative bdsm/rough sex, as a note for myself for the future. I've been using the bdsm template to help polarize for girls interested in actually meeting me, but it hasn't led to much good besides Antiques girl, who was also slim and submissive at first (and had a similar open-mouth eyes-light-up expression to me rubbing her clit... thin girls seem to enjoy clit-play more?) and became even more submissive as it went on, but who was willing to cooperate and talk at least a little bit and even say when I was going a little too hard with the fingering. I want sex to be more like that, a cooperative win-win, not one person taking from the other. I don't like a "winner-loser" kind of story to the sex. At the end of it, I want us both to be satisfied.
Edit: I haven't sent a reply to this girl, nor has she sent a reply to me either. We didn't talk during the car ride back to hers much at all, but at the end I said it was fun but she wasn't very communicative, and left it at that. I'm not sure if I want to see her again, and I'm not sure what to send to end things or keep things open, but I do want to send something that leaves it open to her to ask me what she can do to improve herself/work on (I type this honestly, realizing how conceited and selfish it sounds, but maybe there's a better alternative now that I've put my desire into words).