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Svadhishthana's log

Svadhishthana

Svadhishthana

Member
Joined
May 31, 2021
Hi all,
I'm here because the goal of my life is to live fully, and to have a great breadth of the human experience, and not to, when I am lying on my deathbed, regret that I was too afraid to even try to achieve my dreams. And one of my dreams is to fuck a lot of hot women. Not a lot-a lot. But while I'm still on this side of middle age, I'd like to feel, at least for some amount of time, that sex with women I find attractive is not only within the realm of possibility, but can be achieved with a modest and straightforward amount of effort.

A bit about myself.

I grew up in a pretty normal, middle class, suburban American family. But I was a little fuckin' weirdo who had no social skills and didn't bathe too much until around high school. As such my social skills never really caught up to my peers, and I was a virgin until I was 23. I was also raised in a pretty normal, middle class, suburban American family, so sex was totally taboo, and I have a really hard time being open and honest about anything sexual, because I have a hard time believing that people won't think I'm evil if I tell them I want sex, and women won't immediately think I want to rape them. Hence, my sexual experience is pretty limited. But paradoxically, I also have it ingrained in me that if I admit to people that I don't have that much experience, and that I struggle with this, then they'll think I'm a worthless failure piece of shit, and won't want anything to do with me. So I have a pretty large amount of anxiety around sexual topics, since I'm always nervous everyone will think I'm both a terrible person *and* an abject failure at everything.

As such, I don't even have that much experience trying to meet women romantically/sexually. I've never openly hit on a woman in person - at most I've been a bit flirty. I also resisted using online dating like tinder for a long time, since I knew I would be mortified if anyone ever borrowed my phone and saw I had the app installed, which would be an admission that I was looking for sex, and therefore evil, and also a loser. The only romantic success I ever had was in college, where I managed to kiss 4 girls, 2 of whom I managed to get naked with. One of those girls I managed to have sex with, and she became my on-again-off-again, sometimes long distance girlfriend.

The thing that really burns me up is that I know I'm good looking, and intelligent, and successful *enough* for women to like me. Not all women, but some. And the women who were interested in me were typically freaking hot. So the conclusion I've come to is that what turns women off isn't my appearance or anything outward - it's just me. Like, at the deepest core of who I am, women see something repulsive and are turned off by it. And I think there's some truth to this, but I think this mostly lies in my hangups around being open and honest about sex. For several years, I spent a ton of time reading around in circles about dating advice and gender relations and various critiques of x, y, and z, but I could never find any advice that really made any sense. So for the last few years, I basically gave up on dating and committed to setting myself up for the rest of my life.

When I was in college getting my software degree, I came upon the Mr. Money Mustache blog. Early retirement. I've never been very money-motivated - the argument that being very money-motivated led to a consumerist treadmill of perpetual dissatisfaction always resonated with me. And in college, I was happier than I've been before or since, and lived on very little money. I love the outdoors and shoestring travel, and those are pretty damn cheap. So when I read the blog, everything lined up. Take the excess income from being a software developer, put it into passive investments, and the spend the rest of your life how you please. And now I am veeeeeeery close to achieving this goal. Just a few more months at 30 years old, and I'll be quitting my development job and living off rental income from a couple houses, with a nice cushion of index funds to tide me over in the hard times.

With all this nearly squared away, I decided to look for some new advice on attracting women, and serendipitously arrived here. I started reading what Andy wrote, and said "finally - something that makes sense, covers its bases, is practical, and is empathetic to fucking humans!" So I'm sold, and am now actively working towards getting laid again.

I'm a big fan of the writing of the strength coach Dan John. He has some really good thoughts on the benefits of authorities - funny, because I never liked authorities myself. But Dan says that authorities are good, because they can tell you where to go and what to do. They remove the thinking, questioning, decision-making process from your brain. Dan says "when someone asked me why I was doing 4 sets of 8, my answer was 'because Dick said so'". Let someone else do the thinking, so you can focus on the doing. So that's the strategy I'm adopting here.

I bought a DSLR camera. Why? Because Andy said so.
I hired a strength coach. Why? Because Andy said so.
I'm reading You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought. Why? Because Andy said so.
I'm trying to lose about 20 lbs. Why? Because Andy said so.
I'm buying new clothes that look better on me. Why? Because Andy said so.
I went through all the existing photos I have of myself. Why? Because Andy said so.
I'm whitening my teeth. Why? Because Andy said so.
I joined the forums, and will post progress updates and ask for feedback here. Why? Because Andy said so.

Current goals:
1) Retire
1a) Get everyone in my current house on year-long leases that end in the same season to limit management effort.
1b) Finish fixing up my current house to limit maintenance needs in the future and increase home value.
1c) Buy another house in the mountains and turn it into an AirBnb
1d) Pull the trigger and tell my job I quit this soul-sucking grind (politely)

2) Get strong - obviously, this helps with everything. I want to be hotter, more athletic, and more injury resistant.
2a) Stick to a regular sleep schedule
2b) Hire a strength coach and do what they say
2c) Fix diet to lose 20 lbs

3) Get laid
3a) Get better pictures for dating apps
3ai) Learn to use dslr
3aii) Get better clothes, hair, beard styling
3aiii) Learn to pose and take lots of pictures constantly until I have good ones
3b) Get laid at least once before I turn 30
3bi) Get back on dating apps using Andy's advice
 
Thanks MAC! Your support means a lot. I've been reading through your log from the beginning and it's inspiring - only about halfway though, so no spoilers!
 
Means a lot to me man. Thank you. You will win, we won't allow you to attain anything less than excellence. Work hard, we're watching. ;)

MAC
 
So, what I've done so far -

Got dslr and started learning how to use it. Taking pictures with it when I can, bringing it to social events I go to. Everyone is stoked when I get shots of them on climbing trips.

Once, shot some pics of myself for dating sites. But realized I over committed, combining learning the camera, posing, environmental factors, and putting it all together at once. I need to break all these things down to get better shots.

Got contacts. This wasn't in the guide, but I knew I needed to do it. I've already noticed a difference in people being nicer and more engaged with me when they can see my eyes directly.

Grew a beard. Was just shaving my full face before. Have received compliments, but idk if they're real.

Built out a home gym with barbell, kbs, squat rack. Hired a strength coach, who has been excellent so far. I feel my posture improving, my core getting more solid. Only problem is my hamstrings are constantly sore, lol!

Bought some new clothes. I stayed pretty tame, but at least they're a bit tighter and aren't covered in paint and drywall.

Started a food, sleep, and alcohol log to help bring down my weight.

Today, I recreated my Tinder according to Andy's recommendations. For some reason my heart was pounding. Stupid emotional response, but it's some combination of excitement over possibilities, and fear about the failure I've had before.

===========================

My goals, by rule of thumb, should be cascading. That is, I should focus on the tip one, and only when I've hit stopping points with that should I move on to the next. That is, retiring takes priority, period. Then getting strong and healthy. Then fucking. Because the former two will not only help with the latter, but will also be massive improvements in my quality of life on their own.

So the Todo list for my current house :
Lay pavers for back patio/fire pit
Reinforce + repaint back deck
Finish home climbing wall
Put solar on the roof for the environment (and sick tax credits)

Todo for health and strength:
For weight loss, get back to sleeping on time, eating a reasonable diet, and cut back on drinking (that's the hard part). Also just got the book Lean And Strong by Josh Hollis, and I want to read it to see what he has to say.
For strength, that's easy. Do what my strength coach says. She's awesome - working with what equipment I have and old injuries I've accumulated. Really the key here, again, is to just sleep better so I will recover between workouts.


Finally, for getting laid, I assume I have a lot to do, but maybe not all of it is apparent now. I assume I will discover it as I go. But currently:
Learn how to use a camera (mostly taking lots of pics, but I also intend to read the book Understanding Exposure).
Learn to use Photoshop.
Review tinder profile.
Set up other profiles.
Get pics reviewed on here.
Practice posing, and using the camera in the 3rd person.

Stoked! But it's way past my bedtime now. Sleep is a priority.
 
House stuff is big. I have a shit ton of money wrapped up in this investment and it's what I'm pinning my future on, so it *has* to work out. As such, my to do list weighs heavy on my mind and is my top priority, and the sooner I can tick all the things on that list, the more mental capacity I'll have to focus on losing weight and getting laid.

Right now, there are 4 big projects I need to finish up, after which I'll consider myself done, and everything else gravy.

1) Finish home climbing wall. This is half just for me, but is also a good marketing and retention tool for tenants who don't suck and who I can relate too. Just need to install the crack machine and clean up now. Then pretty it up for a photoshoot for marketing shots.

2) Back patio/fire pit. Another one for marketing and retention. Lots of physical labor digging and flattening dirt and laying concrete pavers. Will try to get a landscaping company to sell me a ton of sand today which I can use to level the surface and prevent future upheaval. If I can't, I might have to bite the bullet and pay inflated hardware store prices, because I want this done this weekend.

3) Reinforce and repaint back deck. The previous owners clearly didn't give a shit, so there are a few rotten boards underneath that are flexing, and the paint is stripping terribly which will only lead to more wear and tear. Reinforcing with a few more boards should be pretty straightforward, and will keep the deck going for at least half a decade longer. Painting will be a giant pain in the ass, since I'll need to strip and sand the current paint job - but it's a straightforward task I can do while listening to an audiobook. Goal is to start this Monday.

4) Solar. Due to tax credits in the US, you basically get paid to install solar on your house, and my roof is perfectly suited for it. I plan to use Project Solar, since they cut costs by having you do all the work that would normally be hired out to contractors, while they handle filing the paperwork with the government and simply drop the panels on your roof for you to install. This is last, since I'm still gathering info on how much electricity I use.

After I do those things, house work will just be odds and ends I can take care of at leisure until early next year when I can start looking to buy another house.

I have a couple leases coming up at the end of September. Hopefully I can turn these into year-longs. If not, my work right now should yield some excellent marketing pictures I can use to get good tenants.

Beyond doing a bunch of hard manual labor for my house, other weekend plans are:

Finish workouts for the week.
Go to sleep by 10 each night.
No drinking (a friend is having a party next Friday, so I wanna save my recovery hit for that).
 
Set myself up well for the weekend. Got a ton of sand in my back yard now I can use for leveling pavers for my patio/fire pit, ready to be shoveled in the hot sun tomorrow.

However, I haven't been sleeping too well lately. And I drank the last two nights in a row, so I'm feeling like absolute trash today.

This evening, going to work out. Then, give myself permission to get laid. Cleaning up my room, my car, myself. Then will follow Andy's guide for boosting/swiping/messaging. Since I just installed the app, I already have some likes, but I don't expect anything will come of them. Just viewing this as a trial run/ practice/ feedback gathering mission. If I actually do get some responses, that would be great! But expectation's a hell of a drug.

Assuming nothing happens, gonna go to bed at 10, and hopefully get back on the sleeping saddle.
 
So yesterday, did my workout and did some cleaning and such. Then I set to work at Tinder.

I knew I'd already gotten likes from my sign up boost and quickly went through them. Mostly fat girls. I appreciated their likes, and I'm sure they're lovely people, but I'm just so unattracted to fat girls I don't know if I could get it up around one. So that cleared out most of my existing likes.

Then around 9, I activated my first boost. Wasn't expecting much, but was pleasantly surprised when I started getting a few matches. Messaged those girls immediately, mostly with Andy's template. One girl I went off script for messaged me back a couple times with "I'm bored, entertain me" chit chat. No other replies.

I tried going into this with no expectations - figured I'd maybe get a few likes from fat girls, and no messages, but I actually managed to match with a couple hot girls, and got some messages that died out. So I feel like I'm actually in a pretty good place. My pics definitely need a lot of work, as does my body, but honestly I was *shocked* by how attractive some of my matches were. It was like I'd clicked on one of those banner ads about things that doctors *hate*, and then I actually got the cure for cancer!

Pretty happy with my life, I went to bed at 10 for the first time this week....

So of course, at 2 am, one of my tenant/roommates smoke alarms goes off. I'm confused. She's confused. There's no smoke. I give her the detector from my room in case there's some kind of gas leak in hers and disable the beeping one. Check my phone to see what time it is, and tinder is the first app open when I unlock....

One of those ludicrously hot girls messaged me back! What the ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?

I try to calm down. No point to messaging her now, and God I'm exhausted. I try to go back to sleep, telling myself she'll still be there in the morning, telling myself if I got a message from one hot girl, I can get more - this isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity I'm currently blowing. But my adrenaline is pumping, and my dick is throbbing at even the thought of the possibility of fucking someone that hot. I roll around in bed for hours until I decide to meditate for a bit just to calm down, and actually get back to sleep.

Scrolling through messages here, I think I borked my settings though, and all my good messages were from girls ~50 mi away. So probably not going anywhere. But this is quite the revelation still. Adjusting to have a smaller search radius, then back to work.
 
You're welcome bro.

These are some wins dude!!! Cherish them, they are sacred. Be SUPER happy about them. I am personally very happy for you.

Keep hammering,
MAC
 
I am definitely super psyched, since I remember when I first started tinder, literally maxing out swipes every day for months and getting absolutely zilch. I know I'm getting closer, just gotta keep on keeping on.
 
An update:
As expected, putting up the crack machine took longer than expected. Working on patio/ fire pit today - hard manual labor in the hot sun, so much fun! At least I get to work on my tan.

Worked out last night. Have some annoying pain in my upper back. Nothing concerning, but it usually means I haven't been sleeping well, which I haven't. Extra annoying since I couldn't get to sleep last night, either.

The reason? Saturday night, fired up tinder, used a boost. Got two likes from girls I wasn't interested in, and no matches. Kinda a letdown after last night. Also strange - I shrank my radius down tonight to 20mi, but after about 15m it gave me the "no one else in your area" message. So I expanded to 25mi, swiped some more, got the message again. I'm in a major metro area on a Saturday night... And the majority of women in my stack were hot. I know there are lots of unattractive women out there that I hadn't swiped on yet, so idk what game tinder is playing.... I swear, their algorithm is either super-advanced machine learning that will soon conquer earth, or a floppy disc from 1983.

But unfortunately, I have a hard time emotionally disengaging from this, and so laid in bed for hours thinking about possible causal mechanisms. And then reminding myself - it doesn't matter. Your sample size is N=2. You're just practicing and gathering info at this point. Just focus on getting hotter, getting better pics, and getting your life sorted. The best way to do that is to *go to sleep*. But then my brain would be like "oh, but what if it's THIS", and I would say "ooooh, that sounds really important, I need to think about that RIGHT NOW."

Setting up Hinge today, will give that a spin.
 
Patio/fire pit complete, with only a touch of sun poisoning. Reinforcing the deck today. Will borrow a sander from my friend Tuesday.

Signed up for Hinge last night. God, that was difficult. They have all that shit in there about "it's made to be deleted" and "I'd bring a date home to my family when..." Seems to be making the not-so-subtle implication that people _like me_ are not welcome. I spent some time going through settings and exploring the interface, but had to put it down after that. Couldn't message even one girl. I know all the relationship-y stuff is just fucking marketing bullshit. No one gives a shit. People are here to meet other people, and it's perfectly fine to let them filter you if they aren't into what you're offering. I know that but I don't feel it. It feels like I shouldn't be here, like I'm doing something terrible.

The image comes to me of a tiny man inside my head, only one inch tall. And all he does all day is walk quickly in itty bitty circles, staring at his feet, and repeating to himself out of mortification "I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die...". And his feet send reverberations down my spinal column, to my stomach, where they turn some great machine which froths up my stomach and makes me want to puke.

I think to myself - God, what the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't a big deal. Why is it such a big deal? Just fucking get over it.

But that's not a productive way to think. I am getting over it. I just have to sit with the nausea... And wait. And keep moving forward. I'll get used to it and then it'll be just like anything else. No big deal, just an existential crisis caused by some pretty colors on a small rectangle, lol.

Setting up Bumble today.
 
Good work. Totally normal thought process, every guy here has this sort of stuff going on in their head throughout the course, trust me. It's the human brain lol. Keep working, you are doing beautifully well, solid solid progress and many great things to come.

MAC
 
MakingAComeback Damn you, my brain!

Accidentally invited some friends over Monday night to test my fire pit. Probably ate too many chips and brats, but I didn't pig out like I normally do (remnants of a childhood spent stress-eating). Also, pretty happy I didn't drink even though my friends did, since I think sobriety and sleep are the big keys to losing weight right now.

Speaking of which, looked in the mirror this morning - my obliques are starting to come out, and my abs are getting a bit more defined. Kind of strange, because my scale weight hasn't really dropped that much (~189), and I'd really only expect this kind of definition sub 180. I assume this means all the core work in the gym is paying off.

Tuesday, rented a power washer and stripped most of the paint from my deck. Yesterday started using a power sander to take off the rest, but it definitely would have taken days, so I looked into other options. Got an attachment for the angle grinder that I tested this morning - should tear it up in a fraction of the time!

All the manual labor has given me a lot of time without much to do with my brain, so I've been listening to Andy's podcast. Very helpful. Articles are great, of course, but they are, by necessity, straightforward and theoretical. A clear and straightforward instruction to "do this". But I have (stole) a theory that this sort of instruction hits diminishing returns *very* quickly. Theory, simple steps, understanding the basics of how things work, is only 10% of the learning process, while 90% is learning from experience. Giving examples, stories, and actually getting out and doing it. James C Scott talks about this in his book (which I LOVE) "Seeing Like a State", and calls it "Metis" - practical knowledge which can only be gained through exposure. Which the podcast provides. It's one thing to read some text that says "it's ok to tell a girl she's hot". It's another to hear a person, who actually has a personality and a voice, tell stories and go on rants and ramble aimlessly about how it's fine. It fires up the mirror neurons or some shit.

One thing that really stood out (I assume this is a constant refrain, but it was the first time I heard it) was something like "If you're into getting laid, you're weird. Get used to it." Really took a burden off my shoulders. I'm already weird. I've always been weird. There were times in my life when I tried being normal, and I noticed life got... easier? But I couldn't sustain it. It felt absolutely, completely, wrong and gross. Taking whatever pill society feeds you. Changing with the seasons and overwriting your old beliefs with whatever is popular at the time. "Please like me, society! I'll do anything you want to make you happy, society! Do you want me to suck your dick? I'll suck you're dick if you tell me I'm good, society!" Fuck that. Being normal is what my parents did - get married, have 2 kids, become workaholics with no friends, get fat sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food. Be exhausted and unhappy, raise exhausted and unhappy kids. Fuck that. I'd rather be weird. I'd rather take my licks and see if there's something better. Yeah, I can be weird. It's the only way I know how to be.



Have been swiping every day. Doesn't take that long, so might as well do it. Girls on tinder are hot af, and I wonder if they boost the level of the girls they show you when you pay for it as a nudge to keep you paying. I had an account on Bumble a few years ago, and when I reactivated I got *tons* of fat girls. But today, the ratio of attractive to unattractive seems to have shifted for the better. I assume the new pics I put up had some effect here - which just goes to show how bad my old pics were, because my current pics are still absolute trash. Hinge remains the most difficult, though I at least got out of my head and started sending some messages. I assume because of the app's dynamics (message any girl you want), the app is forced to be more honest about your attractiveness in the girls it shows you. Hot girls are gonna get spammed by 10k messages per day, so they need to bring down the number of ugly guys sending them messages, and hopefully boost the messages sent to ugly girls. So I'm Xing 10 fat girls for every attractive girl who comes up in my stack because my pictures are shit. Andy was right - Hinge is the best app for measuring your progress. Only problem here is that with unlimited likes on Tinder, I'm finding the pull to get addicted. I try to remind myself that swiping for 5 minutes per day is more than enough - just let the app know you're still there - and real progress will come from better pics, which I'm procrastinating on.

I also notice that I have to occasionally stop myself from compromising on my likes. Like, I'll see a girl who is chubby but has a cute face, or who is very unattractive but is the first non-fat girl I've seen in a while, and I have to stop myself from swiping on her even though she doesn't pass the boner test.

Another thing I noticed is I'll see a cute girl who I _would_ like to fuck, but who also shares a lot of interests with me and seems like someone I'd get along with, and my brain immediately jumps to thinking about getting in a LTR with her. Nothing wrong with LTRs, but I know it's my brain compromising on my desires - I feel like sex is scarce, so my brain wants me to try to get reliable sex in a LTR, even though what I really want is to have reliable sex without a LTR. I absolutely _must_ keep an eye on this moving forward. I need to be able to interact with cool girls without acting like boyfriend material, and I must not turn chickenshit and agree to a committed relationship when what I really want is to go out and fuck a bunch of women. It would be both giving up on my dreams, and incredibly unfair to the girl.

Big project today is finishing stripping the deck of paint, then working out. I figure I'll have that done if I do a committed push this weekend. Have a guy from the utility company coming over Saturday to give me a quote on solar, but I assume it'd be a raw deal since I wouldn't actually own the panels. But I figure I might as well get the quote before ringing up the diy solar company to compare.

Meanwhile, when I have a break from house work and getting fit, I'll squeeze in working on my pics. I'm gonna use Andy's photo inspiration article as a guide, rotating through the categories and trying my best to replicate each shot. The biggest hurdle here is I have a shit ton of anxiety around using the camera in public, *especially* taking pictures of myself, posing in public, etc. Or having people I know see me do it. Funny, because I really don't have a problem being weird in public in other ways. I'm often the first person to take my shirt off when it's hot out, I'll ask weird questions to waiters and bartenders... But taking pictures in public just gives me the heebie geebies - I'm afraid people will see me as self absorbed or something. Or that they'll know I'm trying to get shots for a dating profile. Which is dumb, because I know that all this is both unlikely and irrelevant, but it still gives me a lot of hesitation.

Anyway, once house work is done, I'm going to shift my focus to trying to replicate one photo from the article per day (assuming getting fit is taken care of, which should not be that time consuming). It would be nice if this actually got me some good profile shots, but I'm more looking at it as an exercise to practice posing and getting good shots with the camera, and probably touching up in Photoshop.
 
Also, a friend is throwing a dance party for his 32nd tomorrow. I think this'll be the first real social event I'll be going to where I don't already know the majority of people since.... Fuck, before even covid. More interesting, it seems like there might even be slightly more girls than guys. Given, it's the birthday boy's 32nd, so most of the women will also be around that age and are probably paired up, but I figure it'll at least be good for oiling my rusty jaw.

Biggest pitfall could be eating and drinking too much. I tend to totally fall of the weight loss wagon at social events. Partly because they give me an excuse. But partly because eating or drinking is something to do while socializing when I don't really have anything to say. I'm also one of those people who can't nurse a beverage - if it's in my hand, I'm drinking it until it's gone. And when it's gone, I feel awkward without something in my hand, or something I can occupy myself with by drinking, so I get another. I can easily down a craft 6 pack, then a couple mixed drinks or glasses of wine, then a few domestics at the end of the night to "hydrate", and these are for old-people events that go from, like, 8 to 11.

I'll try implementing three strategies to counteract these bad habits.

First (difficult), I'll just try to talk more and be more engaged in conversations. Things can't go in my mouth when there's things coming out.

Second, I'll try to avoid sitting down. I can't count the number of times I'll sit down at a social event, mindlessly eat and drink and talk for an hour, and then stand up and be like "holy shit, I'm *wasted*." Standing up means I have to make an effort to go get food to eat, and let's me keep a better tab on my intoxication levels as my ability to balance fluctuates.

Third, old trick I used in college (it worked so well I stopped doing it) - every time I down a beverage, refill the container with water before getting something else. Decreases alcohol consumption, increases water consumption, decreases food consumption (because your belly is full of water), and significantly reduces hangovers. Plus, you get to call yourself a good planeteer for washing out your empties before your recycle.
 
Brilliant post. Haha, I enjoy the work of James C Scott - seeing like a state is one hell of a book! All your self development here is solid my friend, just keep hammering, the brain changes over time. We will both make it ;)

MAC
 
You know, getting laid is interesting, but what I'm really into is the flaws of high modernist urban planning and the invention of standardized units of measure., lol!

Thoughts from sanding a deck: if you have friends you go out with to hit on girls, those are your girl-friends.

Finished sanding. Might be able putting down some primer tomorrow - need to check the weather. Missed my workout, but can make it up tomorrow, nbd.
 
Update:
Party went ok. Small house party with late 20s / 30s. Lots of dogs and some kids hanging around earlier, so not exactly a rager. But there was one cute girl met there who was new to town who I should follow up with. Got some good practice in meeting new people in - something I've gotten kinda rusty at. And actually danced for the first time since idk when.

One of my long time female friends was in town for the week. She helped me dress for the party and we carpooled, with the assumption that she'd crash at my place. At the party, she got hammered and got kinda flirty with me. Driving back to my place at the end of the night, still wasted, she basically spilled her guts on her dating history. She hadn't dated much, only been with 2 guys, and is nearing her mid-20s. She's getting nervous about her prospects, which is probably exacerbated by the fact that she just finished a 6 month medical residency in a bumfuck town where the dating market was zilch. All this time I'm kinda wondering if she wants me to make a move - and yeah, I know this is a question that can't be answered without just nutting up and asking. But I myself am conflicted here, since she's at the bottom edge of my attractiveness threshold, and we've known each other long enough that she gives me sister vibes, and one of her ex's is a friend now. So rationally, I know this is a terrible idea, but one part of my brain is like "yeah... But she's flirting with you...". And then there's an entirely different part of my brain that recognizes that, while she's not super hot, she is adorable as fuck, and smart, and funny, and clearly struggles with depression and anxiety, so I just wanna wrap her up in a big hug and tell her everything's gonna work out and she can rely on me if she needs anything. Looking back, I wish I'd taken the opportunity to open up a bit about my own issues dating. It would be really nice to have someone on my side. Or even to just talk about it to another human being. She probably wouldn't even have remembered with how drunk she was. But I didn't even think about it - that shit's so buried, it ain't coming out without a crowbar, lol!

As far as diet went, the party was so-so. The host is an excellent cook, and I'm a pig, so I overate a tad, but not grossly so. I probably only drank the equivalent of 8 beers or so, so that's not bad. And I also drank plenty of water, so the worst of the hangover this morning was mitigated.

However, hungover I was. Since my friend crashed my couch and we were both hungover, we basically just hung out, did some chores, worked out, and played some board games with one of my roommates. Bit of a lazy day, but considering my lazy day was grocery shopping, working out, and spending quality time with a good friend, I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

Will have to wait til Wednesday to paint the deck due to rain. Solar guy came over today and gave me a quote. Decent price, but I can go way, way lower by putting in elbow grease. Tomorrow, will try to get a quote from the diy place.

Which leaves me... Almost nothing to do for the house. So, time to take some pictures.

Have been reading through YCATL. I'm finding it to be something of a slog. I know Andy highly recommends it, which is why I'm reading it, but honestly I'm on an upswing in my life right now, so I'm not desperately grasping for some semblance of hope and sanity. Maybe going insane would improve my reading experience. I appreciate it as a catalogue of various techniques for dealing with difficult problems, and I think it does this well. But it lacks a certain hanging-together-ness which annoys me. Like a bicycle wheel with the center removed - just a rim and spokes kind of hanging around haphazardly. Trying to just grind through it - I have diet and photography books that I'm more excited to read, but am committed to finishing this one before I start those.

Ok, so to do tomorrow:
Follow up w/ girl from party
Get solar info
Clean up deck (noticed a few scraps that still need a brush)
Meal prep for the week
Take a pic
Read ycatl
 
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