Svadhishthana's log

So yesterday, took the bike out to a place called Nevadaville to shoot some shots where I wouldn't be self-conscious. It was great. I still need to review the shots, and I have a feeling they could have been better, but this was definitely the most fun shoot I did. Took the bike up the twisties in golden gate canyon up to the Blackhawk - which would be a nice place if it hadn't gotten a casino addiction. Stopped by a tourist shop to grab a sandwich and charge my phone a bit before the shoot. In retrospect, I should have asked to sub the 1000 island for more sauerkraut on my reuben, to increase veggie intake and decrease calories. Then zoomed up to the ghost town. There were a few other tourists when I arrived, but they left soon after I showed up, and I poked around, looking at the old buildings. But what really caught my eye was the old mining site across the valley. So I hopped back on the bike and rode to the river crossing. A gate barred the way... But there were no keep out signs. No lock. Just a friendly reminder that the dam I was crossing on would be impassable in high water - unlikely with the shallow puddles in the stream I saw below. So I buzzed across and up a few old crumbling mining roads to reach the site.

This place was fucking cool! Old half collapsed structures with giant cogs and levers still attached. Mining cart tracks that end just hanging over a cliff. Big mountain vistas down canyon. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get the shot I wanted - a more skilled photographer might have figured out something better, but I just couldn't seem to get across the combination of mining equipment in the foreground, vista in the background, and self in good proportion to the whole shot. I was frustrated, but reminded myself of my standard for shooting - get the best shot you can get *today*. So I compromised, found a good spot for the camera and the pose, and got to work. Did my best with my hair - intermittent winds and the dry climate meant my hair would be a poofball without something holding it together. Water would mat it down too much on its own. But I improvised and used some of the sunscreen I brought as a kind of hair gel. It worked ok, but I should really look into some specialized styling product, as this seems to be a consistent issue.

This time I shot full manual instead of aperture priority. Lighting was weird, as the day was overcast and threatening rain, but still quite bright out, so I toyed with shutter speed and iso to brighten up the background, but that might have overexposed my ghostly-pale chest. I think I had the most trouble replicating the model's expression, and then positioning my body to seem natural while trying to flex my abs to show off what little definition I have. And more difficult than all of that, trying to do it all at the same time. Made another mistake, though, in that instead of black swim trunks like the model, I grabbed a pair of cutoff jorts I made for a 4th of July party. I thought it could be kind of funny, and might fit the mountain theme better, but it turns out jorts are just ugly. So I once again reminded myself that I'm a dumbass.

After snapping a few hundred pics it was getting to late afternoon. Still stoked about the location, and annoyed I couldn't convey how cool it was in my modeling shots, I ran around real quick and took some more shots of the landscape and architecture itself, bumping aperture up to 4, dropping iso, and increasing shutter speed. It was honestly a really cool spot, and I might return for future pics if they fit the scenario.

Got home just around dusk and walked in the door hoping to chill out with dinner and then take care of a few things before heading to bed. But, no rest for the wicked - one of my roommates immediately informed me that his bath/shower was broken. Apparently he'd just finished cleaning the tub and turned the water on, when the tub faucet shot off the pipe it was attached to. So we ran to the hardware store, got a new faucet and some plumbers tape, and had it fixed up in 5 minutes. But damn, fun to come home to after a day out in the hills.

After this, broke a few of my health guidelines. A couple of the roomies were downstairs watching a movie, so in the spirit of bolstering roommate camaradrie, I joined them while eating dinner. So, strike for a screen while eating, a screen just before bed, and staying up for a half hour past my bed time. I'll say it was worth it this time for the sake of having a happy rental, but will keep in mind in the future that this is unnecessary, and I would have enjoyed going to sleep earlier more.

Will parse through photos this weekend, maybe shoot the second dog shot. It is annoyingly physique dependent, and my abs like to hide behind my flab when I'm laying down, but just have to remember that I'm doing it to practice shots, and actually getting a shot where I look good would just be a happy byproduct.
 
No time to take care of pictures yesterday. Got my workout in, then ate dinner late. Got to bed around 1030. Also tried the blue light blocking glasses - holy shit! I was expecting a really mild effect, maybe something placebo-like. But 5 minutes after putting them on I could barely keep my eyes open! We'll see if the effect lasts or wears off, but at least initially it was quite striking.

More and more, work is kicking my ass. Should have known, since I was going through a pretty chill period before this when I wasn't super stressed by it all the time. Now, of course, everything is broken and late and over budget, and the pressure is on. But for the life of me, I just don't give a single flying fuck about the success of any of these projects, so I'm forcing myself to be in front of the computer, slowly chipping away at issues I'm not sure are even solvable, so I can justify to my managers that I'm making progress even though there may or may not be any such thing as progress. Keep having to bite my tongue to tell our clients that their biggest mistake was assuming that computers solve problems, rather than multiplying them. Just counted today - 137 days until I can start offering on houses again. Plenty of time to get fired, so I actually need to get shit done - but God it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is why I'm currently eating the non-diet diet. I've done this so many times, trying to lose some weight, and I can meal prep and avoid eating at parties and all that for weeks or months. But then some shit like this comes around... And I just have constant flashes in my head - get some pizza, or some beer, or some whiskey, or look at porn, distract yourself on the internet. Or my favorite, any time you get in the car to run an errand or commute, just think about where the road goes, and how you don't have to turn around. You could just keep driving and driving and driving. Ignore their emails. Block their phone numbers. Just keep driving til the sun sets. Grab a cup of coffee at the gas station and keep driving. Keep driving. You can recline the seat and sleep in the Utah desert, don't even need a blanket at this time of year. Keep driving. Go to Phoenix or Nevada. Maybe Southern California. Keep driving. Fill up gas, smell the fumes as I drip a bit on the ground. Get another cup of coffee - the taste of styrofoam and unfiltered water and burned weak coffee grounds and crushed up caffeine pills and freedom that moves semis across the country every day and night. Keep driving, late into the night, listening to podcasts til I'm sick of them, then audiobooks til my brain will explode, then punk rock til I'm exhausted, then silence until the sun comes up and I'm so tired I'm damn near about to drive off the road as I fall asleep at the wheel. Pull off at some exit to a dirt road in the middle of no where, littered with fast food bags and beer bottles and coffee cups like mine to sleep in the driver's seat until 1130 when the sun gets too hot and I'm rolling over sweating. Then put it in gear and keep driving. On and on and on and on, never stop, and never have to talk to these fuckers again. Of course, they're nice fuckers. Just normal people, trying to do their best in the world, frustrated just like me with deadlines and life stress and software that never works like it should. Can't say it's their fault. Can't say it's my fault either. Can't say fault exists at all - just the random manifestations of trillions upon trillions of subatomic particle wave functions interfering with each other, creating self-aware, transient waves that call themselves "me" and have this thing called "angst", "frustration", "contradiction", and "fuck my life".

I should meditate. Chill the fuck out. But meditating doesn't solve my problems. Sitting down and solving my problems solves my problems. So I sit down to do it, but all I want to do is something else. So maybe I'll meditate - but I won't. I'll just think about how I'm sitting doing nothing instead of solving the problem. 137 days. Just gotta endure the pain. Just gotta keep chipping away. It'll pass. It always did before. 6 years of this shit, I can hang on for 5 more months. Then I'm gonna buy this fucking laptop off my company, have a nice bonfire, and send it to Valhalla. Invite some friends over. Get drunk. Feast. Give a good funeral to this fucking cancer of a time in my life that I'll finally be free of. Fuck.

Not really an update I guess. Just bitchin' 'n' moanin'.
 
Friends came over last night, so I had a bit of a miss on food and sleep. Drank 4 beers, but held back on the 5th. Ate too much, but mostly healthy - grilled meat and salad my friends brought over. Then stayed up a bit past 10. So not great, but the socializing was good for blowing off steam after a shit day at work.

Work was so busy today, no time to post til now. Luckily, even with a bit less sleep, I seem a bit more rested than I'd expect today, and was actually able to get some work done and make my managers a bit happier.

Still following the sleep school app. Today did a 10 minute session of "meditation" where you went back through the day and thought of things you were grateful for. Seemed kinda hokey, and I was mostly grateful to be doing it laying in a hammock in the sun, but I think I derived some benefit.

Now, finally sorting through the pics I took over the weekend. I got some that are decent, but they all look kinda posed. I should have paid more attention to the model's facial expression, too, which I failed to emulate. Like I noted above, the light wasn't cooperating, so my already pale torso appears even more washed out than usual, but adding some filters makes me look halfway decent.

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1gZyqXREaulUeVoV7Rzzk81ZXDuVnEPx5?usp=sharing

Tomorrow, will try to hang blackout curtains. They've been cluttering up my windowsill for too long now.
 
Did more of the Sleep School app this morning, and am reading the book during meals. The whole thing is based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and the book makes a point of expounding upon this therapy's "revolutionary" nature with some regularity. Funny, since as far as I can tell, it appears to simply be a mishmash of Eastern religion wrapped up in a scientific box, even to the point of using the same metaphors and vocabulary in some places. A bit like Columbus "discovering" the new world in my view. And I wonder why they don't just say "have you considered picking up Buddhism?" But then, I suppose this is a bit of a roundabout way of getting there. Braindead Brian and Workaholic Wendy probably would be dismissive of recommendations of Eastern philosophy to solve their sleeping issues - but wrap it up in "science", call it "revolutionary", and promise to solve their problems in 5 weeks or less, and you've got your foot in the door.

Went to sleep about a half hour late last night. Tried something new with my brain. The book makes a big deal over how being all angsty about how you aren't sleeping makes it harder to sleep, and that you should just accept thoughts as they come into your mind. But personally, worry about not sleeping isn't typically at the forefront of my mind when I can't sleep. Instead, it's EVERYTHING ELSE. What are the physics of an ollie or a trebuchet? Cancelling student debt - positive or negative for the worldwide, long term utility function? Why dogs bark: a comprehensive analysis. So last night, I did a sort of psuedo-meditation. I didn't focus on my breath like I would for purposeful meditation, but instead just laid down to sleep. But this time, instead of thinking about how it is time to sleep, I thought instead about how it is time to rest and relax. So I would catch myself thinking, and instead of thinking "ok, let's stop that and go to sleep", I would think "ok, let's relax instead", and I would try to relax my brain, consciously letting go of the thought, and often noticing a simultaneous relaxation of the muscles in my face. After about 3 rounds of this, I was asleep.

Both the fat loss book I recently finished and the sleep book I'm currently reading are based on ACT psychology. This is all about stopping, considering, and making decisions. About observing and accepting the world. Thus seems like the natural response to the more mechanistic self improvement / self help books I read several years ago, which loved to tout the marshmallow experiment, proposing that since your willpower was limited you should focus on removing temptation from your environment and building habits so you never have to make a hard decision. However, the two genres don't seem particularly combative - instead, the ACT genre seems like an outgrowth of the habit genre. People realized that eventually, systems and habits and plans break down and blow up, and you'll be forced to actually make a decision, which may very well be the foundation of a new habit.

I'm waiting for the next round. If it's possible. Using the food example - perhaps you might be the pariah, fasting through your friend's birthday party, or ordering your tacos in a lettuce wrap. Of course, few people do this for too long... Or perhaps you'll be thoughtful and flexible, knowing it's ok to have a slice of pizza every now and then, depending on the situation... But when life gets stressful, the occasional situation becomes situation after situation after situation after situation. Rules are inflexible and brittle. Flexibility bends at the slightest breeze. How to overcome the conundrum? The answer seems obvious to me - community. Being part of a group that supports your values and goals. But the tricky part is how...? The things I've read pay it lip service constantly - but rarely do they get into the details. My theory is that the authors know it's importance and have it themselves, but are just as mystified as anyone else on how it happens. If you are someone without a supportive community, how do you make it? How would you find it? And how do you explain these things to a person who has never had it? Perhaps this knowledge is beyond the ability of the written word to truly convey. But then, what isn't?

Workout today, then hanging up curtains.

Made plans to go climbing this weekend again. I don't know of this is a good thing. On one hand, it's good for socializing, exercising, getting outside, and all that. But on the other hand, I said to myself I was going to be using my free time to practice photos. I'm not *really* trying here - but I was saying it was what I *should* do in my free time to move towards my goals. More time socializing, which keeps me sane, or more time working on my goals? The obvious answer is that I'm having issues in the first place because I am incongruous between these two aspects of my life. Were I less neurotic about expressing to anyone at all my desires and anxieties around sex, I'd be able to, say, ask people to snap pictures of me while we're out and about. Or perhaps even organize something where the goal is sex-adjacent, like shooting photos or hitting on girls. But it sticks like peanut butter in the back of my throat that I can't cough out.
 
Slammed by work today again. Then, a friend had a going away party. So I missed my workout. Will try to make it up tomorrow morning.

As I parked my car on the street to head to my friends apartment, a girl slowed down in her car and told me I was looking good. Wtf? It took a couple moments to register, so I was confused and couldn't thank her. One of my female friends at party also complimented my appearance. Said I looked good since I was put together for once, like I was gay. I'll take it as a compliment. Gay guys know the importance of looking good.
 
Svadhishthana said:
Slammed by work today again. Then, a friend had a going away party. So I missed my workout. Will try to make it up tomorrow morning.

As I parked my car on the street to head to my friends apartment, a girl slowed down in her car and told me I was looking good. Wtf? It took a couple moments to register, so I was confused and couldn't thank her. One of my female friends at party also complimented my appearance. Said I looked good since I was put together for once, like I was gay. I'll take it as a compliment. Gay guys know the importance of looking good.
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YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Looks like you got cold approached, you are obv a massive, massive Chad

Chadzilla in the house

MAC
 
Ha! Thanks MAC, but it sounds like you're blowing me out of the water already in your log!

Not much to report on. Mostly a dead weekend in terms of girls. Made some good conversation with strangers at the crag today - bringing the camera helps. Seems like everybody likes having nice pictures of themselves. Plus it's easy to explain the camera at the crag - everyone wants their supersweetclimbingactionshots. Plus ,sent the proj I found a week ago.

But once I got home I realized I'd made no real progress on the girls front, and decided to push my head a bit. I'm self conscious about taking my own picture in public, so I jumped on my bike and rode downtown to the most popular park in the city with my camera. Set it up on a tripod under a bright lamp - anyone walking past could see me, and immediately knew I was getting pictures of myself like the vain asshole I am. Spent maybe 10 min tooling with the camera before packing it up. Had a knot in my stomach the whole time, but consciously it just became pretty apparent that nothing bad was going to happen. Probably some people glanced at me and continued walking. Maybe they were curious. Maybe they thought I was weird. Oh well. Worst that would happen is someone would come up and ask what I was up to, and take an interest in the camera. Won't say I've totally gotten over this, but progress.
 
Thanks brother, but really, I am still grinding to make my first bit of real progress. Still not at the starting line of the race yet, but I will arrive in due time.

MAC
 
Sleeping not going great. Sunday, stayed up about an hour late. Which would be fine if I was getting back on track yesterday. But I stayed up even later last night - no good reason for it either. Just screwing around on my phone for that cheap dopamine hit because I'm stressed out. Also, overate yesterday. At least I was cognizant of it. I think I was aware at each meal that I was eating faster than I should - that instead of enjoying the food and using it as an opportunity to appreciate some downtime, I was shoving it in my mouth in a desperate attempt to feel good.
Being under stress, I should recognize this as a good opportunity to practice food and sleep skills, like relaxing in bad even though I am stressed, and stopping eating when full instead of overeating. Maybe by recognizing these things, I actually am improving... But really, I feel like I'm not making progress on health stuff, not really committed, and don't really have an end date. It's just not tangible enough to be a real goal or something. I want a Mission, and there's no do or die in sleeping. There's no finish line for "do reasonable things for the rest of your life." It's all chill and relax... Maybe time to move on. But maybe all the stress I'm under right now really makes it the right time to focus on "chill out and relax". If I'm already getting my ass kicked, should take on additional challenges?

The problem, obviously, is an incongruence in my actions. The challenges I'm facing and the stress I'm under is due to things coming up at work. But because I can't bring myself to give a shit about it, I feel like I haven't made any meaningful progress in my life if all I do is rest and recover when I'm not working. And then, since I'm under a bunch of stress and feel like I'm making no progress in my life, I find it difficult to rest and recover.

Really, I have three things holding me back in dating right now. First is looks. I need better style and grooming, and a real cut to show off my abs would be good. However, I want to feel confident in my picture taking abilities first, because I probably won't be able to maintain the cut for long. Second is photos. I need better ones. And I know how to do that - photos project. Third is social anxiety around dating, photos, my sexuality. Overcome this by "coming out", exposure therapy, etc.

But then, maybe none of this matters, because my life might get sucked up by house stuff again in a week. Two roommates are moving out at the end of September, so I need to post up ads and start doing tours at the beginning of September, which is in about a week. As part of this, I need to build a closet in the room I'm currently in, since I'll be moving out of there and renting it to a girl (finally getting a 3/3 gender balance in the house!). And then I need to reshoot photos for the back yard (fire pit added), back deck (repainted, looks nicer), and garage (added home wall). Then, post ads. Hopefully, the closet and shooting pics should only take a day or two.


Meanwhile, have been thinking about dating logistics...

Also, I need to figure out date spots, and figure out my transitions -
Where to meet? Nearby, good atmosphere, side by side seating.
How to head back to mine? Presumably drive separate, but taking the bike could be a bonus. Should fix things on the bike and practice riding with a pillion.
I have a bunch of roommates - where can I start making out with her where we won't be disturbed? Van? Garage? Back yard? Hammock? Transition by going through my window (if so, clean up under porch).
Get warmer / larger comforter, and clean up room.
 
Hey man it's great that you recognize all these opportunities for improvement. I think if you pick one or two things to work on at a time you'll eventually make a lot of progress.

Svadhishthana said:
Just screwing around on my phone for that cheap dopamine hit because I'm stressed out.
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Are you on your phone in bed before sleeping? One of the biggest improvements for my sleep was to put my phone far away from my bed. If you need to replace it with something, you can get a physical book or ebook reader.
 
canderson said:
Hey man it's great that you recognize all these opportunities for improvement. I think if you pick one or two things to work on at a time you'll eventually make a lot of progress.
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For sure! That's more or less what I'm doing right now. The goals listed in my forum signature are written in prioritization order. One takes priority at a time, until it's on autopilot, then I can move down the list. Problem is, I suppose, that #1 is getting needy again, so I need to reprioritize it. I'm stressed and sleeping poorly because work is kicking my ass and I have to do shit in my house on a deadline. And this is contributing to lack of sleep and overeating. So, priorities shift to that. I was just indecisive because I was trying to see the world that I wanted to be, rather than the world that is. Thanks for the clarity. And I moved my phone charger away from my bed.
 
Ok, back on track - get shit done for the house, stay employed. Did some work on the closet after work yesterday, so my room is currently an explosion of all the stuff that was in the non-closet closet space, construction equipment, and sawdust. Will hopefully finish most of this today, though I plan to do some staining and varnishing, which will require drying time and probably require me to vacate the room for a bit (though.... maybe it would help me sleep...).

After that, need to do a bit of cleanup around various places to get the house ready for more pics. Then shoot the pics and post the ad.

Will continue trying to be mindful of my food intake and regular in my sleep during this time, but it will not be a priority. Honestly, this is a relief, since these things are so unmeasurable. And really, this is more in line with the advice given in the books I've been reading anyway.
 
Work still hammering me. However, almost have the closet done - just need to add the coat hanger pole. Then will put up a couple hangboards for ambiance, and start shooting. Hopefully finish up shooting before the weekend.

Have been delaying talking to my lender because I'm gonna change banks before offering again. My current bank fucked up a few times and caused a lot of trouble for both him and I last time, so I'm following my rule - don't say sorry, say you've fixed it. But I've been procrastinating that because changing banks seems like such a mind numbingly boring task, with the bonus stress of possibly getting hit with fees if I forget that XYZ is still charging my old bank account. But all this work stress really has me wanting to know exactly what date I'll be able to start offering on.

Andy's podcast pairs well with mindless manual labor. Reminds me that if I hurry the fuck up, I can start working on what I really want to be working on.
 
Thanks MAC. I feel like I got hit by a train today - but you should see the train!

Missed posting for a couple days because my life is a wreck. Not that I haven't had time. Just didn't want to muster the emotional energy to admit all my fuckups.

Thursday night I take a ride up into the mountains. Going great. It's fun. I'm not thinking about work. Then I pull over in a town for a second to check my map, and my engine dies. Fuck. Crank no-start. Luckily a friend is nearby - we stash the bike in a parking lot and he gives me a ride home.

Friday - I get a rental truck and coerce some friends into helping me with promises of beer and food. We grab the bike and get it back to my place.

Saturday - I'm really close to being able to deliver something for work, but there was a hiccup Friday. I spend 12 hours trying to fix the problem, thinking I'm always just around the corner from resolving it. But eventually I've boxed myself into a corner. Realize I'm gonna have to scrap all my work from the day and start over. My brain is totally fried and I feel like shit. Naturally, I want my body to follow my mind, so I binge on fast food and alcohol. Then proceed to fuck around on the internet until 3 am.

Also, been eating like crap generally and missing workouts. Still need to post my ad for the house. Jesus, I just need to get work off my back.

Plan for today is to implement a quick hack for the code at work. Then take updated pics for the ad for the house. Then put an updated ad together. Ping the roommates moving out that I'll be showing their rooms in the next month so please be kinda sorta tidy. Workout. Buy groceries. If I have time, troubleshoot the bike a bit - that's my reward. Today will be better. Today, I will be better.
 
And that is absolutely normal, the best thing you can do is hold yourself accountable, which you did - if you keep holding yourself accountable, you will keep improving as a person. It sounds like the week hit you with a lot of shit, created a lot of stress, and basically was just a challenging week. We all have these. It may be time for a recharge day. You know what you need to do. The momentum will build up again and you will be attacking.

Totally, totally normal man - this road is a fucking bumpy one. No tree can grow to heaven unless it has it's roots in hell.

Keep hammering,
MAC
 
Thanks MAC - yeah, just one of those weeks. Used to be my life was like that for months at a time, just sitting at my computer cursing my job for 14 hours a day. But thankfully, it's become less common over the last couple years.

Did pretty good yesterday. Code hacked. Got the shots I needed for the house, just need to edit them for ads. Then post the ad on the first of the month. Most meal prep is now mostly done. And I got a workout in. Was pretty powered down for it, but w/e. After, did some troubleshooting on the bike w/ my roomie. Seems there's at least two issues. One is that the starter circuit relay is shot, so no power is going to the starter when I push the ignition button. So I need to fix (or hack) that before I can start working on the real issue - the crank no-start.

Its funny that I was actually quite motivated and productive yesterday. It seems like this happens sometimes when I'm hungover. Two hypotheses: one is that I feel bad about the night before, so I work extra hard during the day to make up for it. Two is just that I carbo-loaded the day before, which just gives me an an excess of easily available energy. Another thing I've noticed is that my abs often come out more after a night of drinking, which is funny, since when I wake up hungover, I feel fat and flabby and sloppy. Hypothesis here is simply that after a night of drinking, I'm more dehydrated, and I guess I carry water weight on top of my abs.

Today, try to push out a code fix for work, then edit photos and get my ad all ready to post on the 1st. And finish meal prep. And work out. And review my bank statements so I can change banks without getting hit with fees due to charges on an empty bank account. And then troubleshoot the bike some more.

Man, all this life shit... I've been meaning to reevaluate what my goals are right now for a bit, and how to hit them. Especially #3.

For #1, I need to change banks, then talk to my lender to find my earliest possible offering date. I also need to stay employed so I can qualify for loans - ideally, I could do the bare minimum amount of work each day to keep my projects on schedule, and then fuck off and pursue my other goals. And then, since I'm planning on the Airbnb route, I need to do lots of research into how exactly to make that all work. Also want to read up on principles of interior decorating, since that is my biggest weakness, and it will be a big focus when doing an STR, since I'll be doing *all* the decorating. Plus, I need to fill two rooms when two people move out at the end of September.

For health, I think things are going pretty well if I take a long view. I already built the habit of being consistent with workouts, and the workouts my trainer is giving me are getting me stronger without getting injured. I finished my fat loss book, and am practicing the things it talks about. I am working through the sleep book and trying to implement the things it talks about. The running theme in the two books is mindfulness, and so really the next step here is to start meditating regularly again. But all in all, health is on the right track and should take relatively little maintenance effort.

Finally, girls. Let's say that with about a month of being a fucking autist on dates, I can get a girl to jump in bed with me. But that implies I can get a date, which ain't happening with my current profile. So let's say I take a month to improve my profile - finish my project of copying all the pics in the inspiration article, then some more pics which I come up with ideas for myself. Plus, lose some weight so I actually have abs. So that would be two months of effort.

So, a timeline:

Now:
- Knock shit out for work, so it will get off my back. Get the client to shut the fuck up by the end of the week. Move on to other projects that aren't a total dumpster fire.
- Start meditating every morning at the same time. Last time I was really successful with this, I started with one single minute each day when I woke up, before I even got out of bed, and improved from there.
- Post ad for new tenants.
- Start planning a real cut to bring out my abs.

September:
- Knock shit out at work.
- Keep meditating and doing what I can for health.
- Read RE books at meals and before sleep when possible.
- Show off the house to prospective tenants. Get two leases signed. Sigh of relief.
- Lose weight and get sexy.
- Copy all remaining pics in inspiration article.
- Take additional pics at the end of the month, when I'll be better with the camera and the most cut.

October:
- Knock shit out at work.
- Keep meditating and doing what I can for health.
- Read RE books at meals and before sleep when possible.
- Hopefully actually get some dates.
- Keep taking pics and losing weight if needed.
- Learn photoshop to improve pics more.
- Actually get fucking laid.

November:
- Knock shit out at work.
- Keep meditating and doing what I can for health.
- Actively prioritize learning RE stuff.
- Turn 29 again.
- Hopefully continue getting laid.

December:
- Knock shit out at work.
- Keep meditating and doing what I can for health.
- Actively prioritize learning RE stuff.
- Turn 29 again.
- Hopefully continue getting laid.
- Learn how to make several low-calorie mixed drinks.
- Prep car for winter travel in the high mountains.

January:
- Do the absolute bare minimum at work.
- Try to keep meditating. Expect mental and physical health to go into steep decline.
- Drink to excess.
- Expect to spend at least one night in a shiver bivy when my car slides into a ditch.
- Become a negative millionaire.

February:
- Close on a place if I haven't already, and move into it.
- Head-down, fix everything that needs fixing. Furnish the place. Make an ad. Start makin' that money.
- Put in my two weeks. Manly tears of joy.

This schedule is definitely aggressive. I'm an idiot for even taking the time to write it down, and I will clearly fail because I'm over committing myself, and do not have the habits, motivation, or mental fortitude to actually make it happen. I will destroy myself physically and mentally trying to do something that is clearly impossible. But then again, life's not about making good decisions.
 
Killed it yesterday. Meditated, did some editing on the pics I took. Looked up my old spreadsheets from when I did keto - I can just follow that again.

Work was stupid again. Thought I'd be able to push something out in the morning. Instead, spent the whole day configuring and troubleshooting issues in the clients test environment. At 430, I ran into one last issue that I would need their IT to take care of, so I sent an email and called it a day. A friend came over and we worked out together and ate dinner. After he left, I saw an email from the client - apparently they fixed my issue already... very unusual for their IT department. It was already almost my bed time at that point, but I rallied and said fuck it. Not getting fired is first priority, health is second priority, and managed to wrap up something to deploy around midnight. Glad I have the blue light blocking glasses - I felt kinda drowsy the whole time and fell asleep pretty quick after that.
 
As I'm gonna start getting serious about losing weight, here's a bathroom selfie with my current state. 186.2 lbs.
 
Hacked at work yesterday again. So close to having something to deliver...

Posting my ad today or tomorrow.

Also, went through all the shots I'm gonna do and made a list of clothes to get and locations to find. Will need to average around 1.6 shots per day, so will really need to dedicate more time to this than I have in the past, and find ways of getting shots quicker.
 
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