Thanks for all the support guys. And apologies for the late reply when you left so many kind messages. I feel kind of bad talking about it, because I know lots of you have had way worse, and all I got was a mean internet message. Did it even effect me that much? Honestly, it didn't feel that bad in the moment - I got kinda confused and a little angry and tense. But it's not like I had a breakdown. But the anxious feeling stuck around for an hour or two, and then thoughts about the messages kept popping into my head throughout the day. Trying to explain her actions. Trying to explain how she was wrong. Thinking of things I should have replied. Of course, just unmatching was the right call - no point getting in a fight with someone for being Wrong On The Internet.
@Vice - yep, using the sexy opener, and no, my profile isn't sexualized. I'll sub cute when a girl is straight-up giving a cute vibe, or else if she's giving off vibes of someone I'd actually like to hang out with. But yeah, saw it in the tinder guide and basically said "that makes me uncomfortable, guess I should do it." So it's kind of been an exercise for me in just generally expressing that sentiment at all. Good news is, it seems to have had the desired effect, and I no longer get anxious when sending it, so maybe it's time to switch it up. When you say "better results" - do you mean "more positive responses and fewer negative responses" or "more girls showing up at a time and a place with sex on their minds"?
Because if the former, I think I'd prefer to keep doing what I'm doing - while getting a bitchy response did suck, it's definitely just part of the game, and I'd rather keep inuring myself. Here it was in real (okay, digital) life - a bitchy rejection. And I had the opportunity to digest it, which was probably good for me.
On the other hand, if the latter - well, that forces me to look at my actions and my goals. Right now I'm just messaging girls with no expectation that they'll meet up because I know my profile is shit, and I am mostly doing it for anxiety exposure. Meanwhile, I'm taking a bunch of pictures to get better with my camera, posing, and all that, with the aim to eventually put some better pics up. But I really have to ask - is my goal to overcome social anxiety? Is my goal to get really good at taking pics for tinder? Or is my goal to Get Fucking Laid? I think a few of the shots I've taken that might be worth putting up, but I've been procrastinating on it because "I'm still working on this project." But the goal is to keep the goal the goal. So yeah, I need to go through and try out some of my new pics.
@MAC - thank you for the encouragement. I will say this woman probably has some work to do, and some hurdles to overcome. I am honestly now trying to wish her the best, as I know I have my own hurdles, and have been anything but saintly many times in my life. I hope she finds what she isn't looking for, and I will try to thank her for her gift of boosting my emotional resilience.
@Reservoir - thank you! I know this is not a universal response, and even with a garbage profile, the vast majority have been polite at worst. While it doesn't feel good, I'm happy to know first hand that most women are not like this. And thank you for giving me hope for the future!
Okay, update:
After posting two days ago, I was feeling pretty low energy. Maybe it was just lack of sleep and wrestling a dog for 6 hours the day before, or maybe it was the emotional hit of the morning, but I procrastinated starting taking pictures until after noon had come and gone. Luckily, I thought up Productive Procrastination long ago, and used the time to do bank paperwork. But eventually I dragged myself out to get some shots. Because of the time, I decided to go for 3 shots outside - Casual 9, 11, and 12; and then three inside - sports 3, 6, 7.
I head off to find a spot to start shooting, but feel some anxiety. I keep feeling fear of if someone sees me, if they ask me what I'm doing. I know intellectually these fears are baseless - most people are oblivious or don't give a shit; I can lie; even if I told the truth, they'd probably just laugh and slap me on the back. The average person who even might notice me would likely only feel mild curiousity - not some kind of murderous rage. But just while starting to drive to places I'm planning on scoping, I pull over to take a breath. I consider stopping by the park by my house and trying to meditate under a tree for a bit, just to chill the fuck out. While I'm considering this, my phone reminds me I agreed to do a virtual tour for a prospective tenant at 5. It's now nearly 3. I consider meditating again. Consider just calling the day a bust and going home. Instead I say fuck it, I have limited time, I'll at least scope some spots. I can probably get at least one shot
I drive around the industrial district near my house. I remember a side street of a side street turning into a bridge and going over the rail lines. I follow it - it twists and turns around the tracks, various storage yards, and another bridge for an arterial. Underneath the arterial bridge, there's a big gravel lot. At the far end of the lot, a parked freight train. Jackpot. Perfect backdrop to lean against for Casual 9. The road I'm on only sees the occasional box truck as traffic, and following the tracks a few hundred yards down a property line fence leaves me more or less isolated. I set up shop and snap my shots. I realized too late that the black shirt I'd got from the thrift store, apparently, was actually a women's shirt. Ha! So I end up making some adjustments on the flannel around my waist so I don't end up showing my belly button to the camera. I finish the shoot, happy I got one, but anxiety still pumping a bit. What if someone asks what the fuck I'm doing by the tracks? What if someone came by in the meantime and took down my tag number? But I start walking back to my car and nothing bad has happened. Knowing how ridiculous my fears are, I decide to push myself a little, and put on my sunglasses. It's pretty bright out, so they're justified - but I'm no longer some weird guy sneaking around the train tracks. Now I'm a weird guy sneaking around the train tracks wearing aviators. And a black shirt. Like fuckin Tom Cruise in Top Gun or some shit. Better watch out, or I'll convert you to scientology.
I look at my phone. 4pm. One hour. I look at the next picture I'm replicating. The model's pose is pretty tame, clothes are straightforward. But I need some kind of landmark to stand in front of. In the picture it's some kind of pagoda - really, probably just an arbitrary upscale Chinese restaurant. But I have it listed in my notes as "landmark". I think - "Finding something like that will take way too much time. And Jesus, I'm nervous shooting alone in front of a freight train - how the fuck am I gonna shoot with other people around?" I'm about to just pack up and go home, find something else to do. But then I have an idea. A great idea. A Fucking Hilarious idea. I'll use Casa Bonita as my landmark.
For anyone out of the loop, Casa Bonita is a Denver institution of sorts, famous for its terrible food, indoor cliff divers, and for being featured in an episode of South Park. And I thought, yes. This is hilarious and I love it. I don't care what anyone thinks, I want my picture with Casa Bonita in the background. It's so fucking weird!
I start driving there. 15 minutes to get there. 15 to get back, so 30m to actually shoot. Good, I think. Probably can't stand more than 30s of the anxiety once I start shooting. As I drive there, the whole time I'm scared I'm just gonna show up, bitch out, and turn around. Instead I arrive. Pull in. There are families with kids headed to the strip mall shops. A trailer selling elotes and kettle corn. A few homeless people milling about. I'm nervous, but I'm already here, and I can't keep waiting around since the clock is ticking. I get out of the car and start lining up my shot. Nothing happens. I break out the tripod. I take a few test shots to get the focus right. No one's yelling at me, asking what I'm doing. I start actually shooting and doing the pose. I get a few momentary glances from people walking by. No one gives a shit, but I'm still on edge. I keep wanting to get back in my car and gtfo, but I stick around. I know this is good for me. "One more and I leave," I tell myself several times, trying to prolong the exposure as long as I can.
When I pack up and leave, the tension releases in my car and I just start laughing. I feel like I got away with something. I get home, do the tour, and now I'm this weird kind of amped. Still anxious about shooting in public, but now I've had some success. I have one more shot to get in the daylight, and just enough daylight to get it. I don't have a location yet, and finding one might be the crux - no idea if I'll just drive around and find no good locations and come home empty handed. But I'm high on the idea of Pulling It Off.
I find a parking garage near downtown, and just my luck, they closed down the top floor. I park and step over the orange tape. I think I might actually get this shit without having to deal with my anxiety at all, until I start scoping my position and realize that when I'm shooting I'll be completely visible to everyone on the ground in a two block radius. Fuuuuuck.
The angles aren't right to capture the downtown skyline, so I settle on the amusement park to the north. Getting the zoom right is a pain in the ass, and I keep being concerned I'm gonna drop my camera 5 stories to the ground. But eventually it's time to shoot, and I swing my legs over the edge and put myself in view of everyone around. Keep breathing, just start shooting...
As I'm shooting, I start realizing how oblivious everyone is. Most people on the ground don't even notice me, since they never look up. The other thing I notice is just how much is going on around here that I might not normally notice. Two girls wait a full 5 minutes at a crosswalk before the light turns, despite the intersection being completely empty. A motorcycle pulls a wheelie going down the street. A Camaro decides to make its left turn into a drift. A pickup truck is bored, and is driving in circles in the parking lot below me. It's all just surreal. I feel a weird sort of confidence, and force myself to keep shooting until the sun has fully set behind the horizon.
Back home, I do the three shots in the gym. Nothing to note, except that the pose in sports 6 looks absolutely ludicrous when I'm doing it. But as I wrap up shooting, I realize.... Tomorrow's Labor Day. I have the day off. I can shoot again. So I scroll through the shots I need to get - I'm missing a lot of the travel shots. I know a good hike I could do, which is typically totally empty. I can get 7 of the shots. But I'm gonna have to wake up early to beat the thunderstorms. So I throw clothes, accessories, water, etc in my backpack, and set my alarm for 4:30.
The next morning, my coffee is hot in my mug, and the darkness around my car is heavy as I drive an hour west out of the city. Grogginess and caffeine and darkness and no other cars on the road - it feels right. No other cars at the trailhead when I arrive. I follow the double track as it dips into the trees and the noise of the interstate quickly disappears. I get my first shot at sunrise, then hoof it up to the saddle. I get my second and third shots on the ridgeline, gusts blowing my hair around. Unfortunately, the golden hour only lasts an hour and I'm already battling serial-killer-eyes. I turn around before reaching the summit - I've been there before, and my mission today is shooting, not summiting. I tick three more shots in an alpine meadow, and head down. At the base, I get one more shot with the mountain in the background.
I drive home, and barely walk in the door when my phone buzzes to remind me I agreed to do another tour in 30 min. Fuck! Clean the house, do the tour, and then I'd made plans to work out with a friend. Then, time for bed. Holy shit that was a long day.
So now I think I have about 3000 photos in my backlog that I need to sort through and apply filters to and all that. 26 shots left means I only need to average 1.1 shots per day for the rest of the month.
Today, have another tour in the afternoon, and also need to work out and meal prep, and some friends invited me over for a going away party of sorts. So it might be a miss on getting a shot, but I'll try to figure something out.
