THE BROWN SHOGUN - japanese language progress + social life update

[pancakemouse]

I don't know anything about your specific case, but injury (whether acute or chronic) happens when muscles are exerted beyond the force they are capable of withstanding. I will continue to insist that training slowly (more than 3 seconds positive and negative) is the best way to prevent injury, by preventing acceleration and force peaks.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

https://streamable.com/9fh8os
ultra long vid but go to 22:55 to see a cameo of a japanese policeman asking me wtf i'm doing walking around with my phone at night

now i'm actually grateful for my shoulder injury because it probably accelerated a new realization

victim mindset
-> cue that i feel bad and it's not my fault
-> i need to self-medicate, and i'm justified in doing so
-> default is to digital binge
-> get angry at myself for the 26368324th time

other than being able to actually fall asleep at the time i want to, on paper this past week i was doing everything correct. going to the gym, eating calories, active japanese listening.

but whenever i wasn't doing those, i was going down long and wasteful thought patterns.

View attachment 1
line i clipped from "think simply / 考えすぎない人の考え方"
考えすぎると時間もエネルギーも浪費するばかり。
thinking too much is just a WASTE of your time and energy
瞑想しよう。目的に集中しろ。
meditate, focus on your goals

these especially happened when i was walking to and from the gym, and even more so when i was left with "nothing to do" and i had to try to fall asleep

i had basically gone so far as to open up wounds that i thought i had healed years ago. the ones where i felt completely useless to the world and i'm scum at the bottom of the barrel. eventually leading into suicidal thoughts and thinking of ways to kill myself.

i hadn't thought things to that degree since i was 16-17 in high school. i had gotten over them though by... actually getting good at things. i indulged in music production, learned another language (japanese obviously), and proved to my dad i wasn't fucking retarded by getting a degree and landing a job where i could be self-sufficient. additionally i finally made friends from zero in college so those thoughts basically never came into my mind again

until now. i literally unplugged from everything i knew and bounced across the pacific to some alien bing bong world (that i wanted to come to) and now i have to handle my own issues.

the random panics where i get out of bed at 2am to slam a bunch of japanese reading or go on 6km walks. this is what they were.

and obviously it's waste thinking. it's cancer thinking if anything and needs to be handled. but i didn't know how and i didn't want to air out waste thinking grievances on this log. i knew that something was fucked up and i knew i would figure it out soon.

i had mild versions of these feelings when i was trying to get over approach anxiety in august of last year, but unlike now, i was DETERMINED to get what i wanted. i was totally green and blissfully unaware of "the sexual marketplace" and etc. so i was able to get over those feelings quickly.

the difference is now, i'm subconsciously using supposedly "low base stats" and comparative experiences with people who "didn't have to do as much and get way better results" as a grievance narrative



at the end of the video, that policeman stopped to talk to me. after i cut the video he wanted to see where i was staying at and my passport. while we were walking he commented that "you've got some muscle there".

wait you can tell through this jacket???
yeah i see it in your chest. how much can you bench?
still only 95kg..... not quite 2 plates.......
wow that's pretty good tho, do you do martial arts too?
i did some boxing in america but i'm still a beginner...

anyway, the plan for handling these wasteful thinking patterns is to add daily meditation to my routine. apparently you don't see the gains until 2-3 months of consistent practice but that's literally like the gym too lol

 

[natedawg]

Love your perspectives brown shogun!

Remember the saying: "You don't become your highest standards, you become your lowest habits"? This is an example of processing one of your lowest habits. I think you made a great call w/ meditating. I'd also invite you to consider Shadow Work to process those limiting beliefs (gift from Manly Cockfellow): https://youtu.be/n0QVFiSQ4bQ

You got this brother. Keep pressing!

 

[colgate / bulldog]

MakingAComeback has independently but pretty much simultaneously come to the same conclusions i did and wrote them up in a more eloquent post

i'm fortunate that i had met troy so early in my journey

back in october 2021, he straight up sent me a (slightly more sugar coated) voice message telling me something along the lines of:

"no matter how good your marketing is, you'll never be able to sell a piece of shit. on the other hand, apple hardly needs any marketing to sell the iphone."

he was the one that told me i need to be 165lbs and jacked. 14 months ago

he told me i will need to be proficient at a combat sport

he told me i will need to go to lots of meetups and develop emotional mirroring and connection skills

i am grateful for being told so early on what my ideal product will look like. and somehow finding honest and no bullshit advice up front.

and like MAC, i've tested early iterations of my product through ~2000 approaches and 2-3 months of app grinding, only to be faced with results that don't allow me to go all-in and iterate quickly enough to improve

i've gained roughly 7-10 lbs of muscle since then. went from ~135lbs to ~150lbs. but that's not 165. and even the first time i hit 165, that's not enough because it'll have to be 165 lean

there's no victim if i haven't even met the requisites laid out to me so clearly on from the beginning

and even if i reach those requisites and they somehow change i'll have to catch up

yes, white skin and friendly features somehow override like 50% of the "self-improvement we're all supposed to be doing" and even more with east asians.

maybe i'd like to think if people were more honest about making that far more clear up front i'd have accepted it sooner and it wouldn't have hit me as hard. i'm also 5'5" and i don't feel these things about my height because i feel there's more honesty with "the heightpill" (advice like "put 6'2" in your bio and get height inserts" being common)

but it doesn't matter. now i'm aware. more than i should be maybe. it probably would be better if i "blissfully" slammed the weights at the gym, trained boxing, etc for years before getting into dating. my brother is also brown and he's completely unaware of this; he slammed the weights, got tattoos, and became an auto mechanic and he does great with girls.

but i digress

the product isn't defective, it just isn't finished

finish the damn product before putting it out to market

the most hilarious part is i'm still 26.

i'm only 26

that's insane. 3 years of directed effort and i'll be far closer to the elite levels i'm dreaming of. and i won't even be 30. the current version of me writing this will be entirely unrecognizable.

guys in their 30s now would kill to be in their 20s with what they know now

i know i would love to be 19-20 again

i have to become a machine

the product has to be finished

and the things not allowing the product to be finished must be eradicated

site is called KILL!!! your inner loser

 

[MakingAComeback]

YEP

This is where I really have tensions within me and anger

Clearly, what we were told about "just look above average" and "just talk to girls" didn't do it for us. We both know why and at least other men who've followed us and understood this will be able to understand the truth and we may be able to save other men from wasting their time in the future.

But there is no one to blame, btw. Everyone was trying to help and no one knew any better, sadly the bros didn't understand and that is unfortunate. There was no one to tell us, because they honestly thought if we did the basics, we'd succeed.

YOU'RE VERY LUCKY YOU MET TROY

I hope KYIL can process these lessons and genuinely learn, otherwise men like me and Colgate are going to have so much of our hard work and effort wasted.

Many other low SMV men will come to our space and they will be told "just look above average and talk to girls"

These men run the real risk of being totally psychologically shattered when they find out this does not work. When they wake up and realise one day all they've been able to do is get laid by totally gross undesirables, they may lose their fucking head.

That is an incredibly unfortunate thing and I wish there was something we could do about it.

Is what it is I guess............

Ravi

 

[MakingAComeback]

@MakingAComeback has independently but pretty much simultaneously come to the same conclusions i did and wrote them up in a more eloquent post

maybe i'd like to think if people were more honest about making that far more clear up front i'd have accepted it sooner and it wouldn't have hit me as hard. i'm also 5'5" and i don't feel these things about my height because i feel there's more honesty with "the heightpill" (advice like "put 6'2" in your bio and get height inserts" being common)

Just one thing about this post bothered me and I have to say something:

No one here has ever been dishonest with either of us.

They have tried their ass off to help us, and always act in good faith, truly wanting to see us rewarded for the ass busting work we put in.

That I can promise you.

What business has any man to tell another that he won't succeed?

No one can say that. Everyone has a chance. Me and you both have gotten laid with 1 attractive woman, and we both know it Your first was attractive, my 2nd was.

The rest were pretty grim, yeah, but given that we did get SOME success, how could anyone tell us, look guys this isn't going to work out for you unless you body maxxx.

Troy communicated the truth to you, and that was in the back of your mind. Eventually, you had to accept it, though if we're both transparent, we both actually thought just taking action and looking decent would cut it - we were both ignorant of that, as was everyone else.

That said:

-I am DAMN SURE with a fantastic body, great game and tattoos if needs be, the nightmare will end for both of us

Just wanted to clear up the part about people being honest - we need to encourage people to try, Bulldog, because if we don't have people try, they will definitely get nowhere.

If we are more "honest", we do run the risk of failing men. The general, blanket advice to take action IS POSITIVE and it is up to us as individual males to work out shit out in time.

If someone told me, look Ravi, for the first few years of you talking to women, asking them out, and so on, you're going to go on endless dates and they're just going to go nowhere, with absolutely 0 attraction felt towards you, and if you just gut up and go through it, study game and eventually get so frustrated you rip up the rule book and go ALL IN on building an elite physique, then in a few years of brutality, you may be able to go on dates with women who are at least average in looks and they will treat you like an actual human and may even feel something for you. MAYBE.

If I was told, look man, you will have your self image and mental health ground down to a fuckin knub, will have countless sleepless nights, and will have to face your demons head on and gut up to the fact that when it comes to women, the only thing you will have is a small semblance of luck - you are likely to be fighting against the fabric of reality until your drying days, trying to outsmart nature and keep something in the gene pool that nature does not want on this earth, it would have just been even harder than it already is.

At least we can relate to each other, Bulldog, and we can walk beside each other and do whatever it takes to help each other become a success.

I am willing to go to the absolute wall with you & will back you up 100%, until the bitter end.

We've done a lot of talking, we'll crack on with our work now man.

Ravi

 

[Thrice]

You are two legends guys!
what you achieved and will achieve will be used as positive example for future brown guys who will come here... Some naive advice was given but i think it's in good faith, it's a new community with a small percentage of ethinic minorities... Take me for example, I'm the only Mohamed i think, all they can do is advice me what worked for them, whether girl like Arabic features or not it's up to me to find out

Keep up the great work, this amazing community needs you guys

 

[colgate / bulldog]

No one here has ever been dishonest with either of us.

i think "honest" was the wrong word

you're absolutely right that the people we've surrounded ourselves by have not been deliberately dishonest with us. they've put everything they can into making sure we get the best results for our work

there were a few people (whom i won't mention) that would downplay the importance of looks and both you and i know now that those people are flat out wrong

but other than that, i think we were just new data points in the grand scheme of dating. we now know that certain things that weren't made clear up front need to be made more clear. as thrice stated:

Some naive advice was given but i think it's in good faith, it's a new community with a small percentage of ethinic minorities...

and clearly i have way more to fix as i've repeatedly stated. getting hyper jacked, generally chilling out, pursuing more masculine endeavors etc. i think all of my tirades were seeing how certain people "supposedly don't have to do these things and get results anyway". but now i'm just pointlessly echoing things that i said 24.35729 times.

i'll end this post on that note because i don't want to discuss the theoreticals of "what if we made it more clear up front that being white is an advantage in dating just like we do with height".

no reddit-tier discussion on my log!

下手の考え休むに似たり！

 

[colgate / bulldog]

View attachment 1

as i said previously i will start meditating everyday from now on.

additionally my shoulder injury is making me reconsider how i approach fitness and getting jacked.

thus, the two new habits i will form are:
- meditating
- stretching

i had been doing occasional front/side split progression stretching 3-4x a week after weight training sessions but it's clearly not enough.

as my former muay thai instructor in california told me a year ago "you are the least flexible person i've ever worked with"

lol great!!!! another thing i'm the worst at!!!!

but seeing as i keep getting random injuries and the gold's gym trainer telling me my muscles are super hard (not in a good way), and generally telling me i need to focus on what they call "care" here in japan in addition to training+diet, this was the wakeup call i needed

per a troy recommendation i had bought the hyperbolic stretching program some months ago but i was kind of half-assedly doing it after some workouts

but last night i rewatched all of the instructional videos and i'm going to do the whole program.

the end goal will be being able to do front and side splits.

there's also a dynamic stretching routine which can be done multiple times a day.

also in the gym, for the time being i will
- stop recording numbers. i get too caught up in "zomg guys i lifted blifty sneven zillograms" even though we all know the most important aspect of training is pushing muscles to failure. i'll go back to recording numbers again later in the future though
- find exercises i can do to make sure i get a full body workout over the course of the week, within my injury. right now i can't do lateral raises and as of yesterday rows. oof!

NOW, regarding digital addiction...

To aid in quitting vaping, I've decided to just chow down candy every time I get a craving.

i was able to quit vaping by replacing the reflex to take a hit of vape with eating candy. i personally don't find eating anything to become addictive, so after a few weeks of replacing the "i need to take a hit of vape" neural pathway with "eat a piece of candy", which gave me far less of a dopamine hit, i got tired of eating candy and i was free from the vaping addiction

i realized from a few sessions of meditating, it temporarily gets rid of my compulsion to randomly browse crap on my phone. but it's enough time to push me to think about what i should be doing in the moment and then go do that instead of blow away yet another 4 hours...

so i will do the the same type of substitution as earlier. any time i have the random compulsion to check YouTube (even if it's Japanese!) or otherwise "browse", i will just do a mini meditation for 3 minutes.

so far i've caught myself twice and these were the results
1. went from browsing random information on cars and highway tolls in japan on my phone to stretching, taking a shower, and eating dinner
2. went from wanting to share "interesting parts of this manga" with friends to just immersing myself in the manga and then actually falling asleep within half an hour!

additionally, before i go to bed i will write down what i will do when i wake up the next day

 

[Adrizzle]

"you are the least flexible person i've ever worked with"

Can you touch your toes?

In my experience yoga is probably the best way to get flexibility. Do a real class. Most yoga also leads into mediation & relaxation.
It some point stretching and bodybuilding are going to "cancel" each others effects. Generally you are compression muscles, and stretching is the opposite.
If you can't touch your toes, maybe go full yoga until you can and then jump back into weights.

What meditation resources are using? I need to find some new stuff

 

[colgate / bulldog]

Can you touch your toes?

if i do a series of hamstring stretches, eventually yes. but not without being warmed up.

In my experience yoga is probably the best way to get flexibility. Do a real class. Most yoga also leads into mediation & relaxation.

would be a thing to consider especially as some sort of group class type activity would also serve me for improving my social skills and improving my japanese. spent a while humming and hawing just now between yoga classes and directly getting into boxing/kickboxing classes (which is what i'd like to do in the long run). will get back to you on this

What meditation resources are using? I need to find some new stuff

i had watched this video like almost a year ago
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nDFE1GAovMw

and i actually meditated for a few weeks when i lived in california. i would do 10 minute sessions everyday. i did some kind of "walking meditation" as well when i showed up to the mall to approach to stay present in the moment and that got me to approach.

unfortunately i only did it for a few weeks

to sum up, all i do is
1. set a timer (10 mins for a "session", 3 mins for a "digital addiction substitute")
2. close my eyes and breathe in and out slowly, thinking about "in" "out"
3. at some point my brain will wander into some thought pattern. i try to realize it as quickly as possible and get back to "in" "out". go to 2 until timer stops

it has helped me in the micro to realign and stay focused on a task, usually the effect lasts over "one task" (30mins-2h). it's like a "pump"

i haven't done it consistently enough to see the macro benefits ("gains") but everything i've read seems to point to reducing many of the overstimulation, anxiety, and distraction issues i have. so i just have to do it now.

 

[Adrizzle]

Thanks for the link

In 2018 I was very good at mediation. After most sessions I'd feel this overwhelming feeling of energy and peace. I've fallen out of it, just need to stop being lazy and do 10 minutes everyday.

Go to yoga class man. Social gains, flex gains, relaxation gains. I dont think it needs to be one or the other

 

[colgate / bulldog]

trying to figure out the whole deal with sleep

been going to bed and shutting off the devices consistently at 10pm

meditation usually helps falling asleep within half an hour. and i end up reading manga for probably another hour before that. so even if i shut down at 10pm, the earliest I'm falling asleep is 11:30pm. and last night i did a bit of tossing and turning and i think it was much later.

on the other hand, waking up is also ANNOYING!!! like i've consistently seen a pattern where my actual "night sleep" is whatever (I'm fast asleep and even dream sometimes), but the sleep i decide to have when i somehow wake up in the early morning and then just fall back asleep is total bliss.

like this morning i actually beat my alarm and opened my eyes around 7:45. but then i fell back asleep, was rudely! awakened by the alarm for 8:00, and just fell asleep for another 3 hours.

and those 3 hours felt so good. even though i know i slept at least 6-7 hours already

what do i have to do to make my regular sleep feel that good so i can joyfully wake up in the morning when i want to????

after cursory internet research, i will now implement these habits:
- devices off at 9pm. push the buffer back even further
- last meal no later than 7:30pm. i have developed a habit of "oh well i won't be able to use devices past 10 so i'm just going to do whatever device related things have to be done and then eat afterwards". i don't know how true it is but "common wisdom" says to avoid having large meals <3 hours before you go to bed.

 

[OnTheComeUp]

colgate You should buy a pair of blue light blocking glasses. It really helps me fall asleep at night. Andy recommends this in his "Cool Shit I Recommend" section.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

lmao

Also based on my own observation and this guy's observation, looks DO matter. Not that I look bad or anything, but I definitely need to be more serious about getting jacked and looking more edgy, even for day/nightgame strats. I also need to be around more masculine energy in general and be more of a fighter, so I'm gonna sign up for boxing classes. While I go to the gym 3x a week and have never missed a day (I like going to the gym lol), I really slack with eating enough calories per day. I bought a portable smoothie blender so I can make protein shakes on the go and fill up 3000 calories a day. I've literally been stuck at 138 lbs since I joined this forum and it's my biggest weakness right now. My goal was to be 150 lbs, but the Nashville approach guy said 160. I just wanna hit 140 god

pinning this quote from me back in september 2021 (heyyyyy but i did hit my first kyil bulk goal....)

the Nashville approach guy said 160.

the guy whom we now know as troy

he was the one that told me i need to be 165lbs and jacked. 14 months ago

he told me i will need to be proficient at a combat sport

he told me i will need to go to lots of meetups and develop emotional mirroring and connection skills

^quote from the recent post

 

[AskTheDom]

Don't forget that you might need an extra edge to compensate for the "IT Indian Nerd guy" archetype that you might fall in.

Honestly speaking, I can see you getting a bit of this MMA fighter look

 

[colgate / bulldog]

from now on, i will only post and use kyil on sundays

 

[colgate / bulldog]

i've been in the middle of fucking nowhere in northern japan (town population: ~25000) for the past few days visiting my japanese friend's family

"so colgate what did you do there?"

well i
- shoveled snow (the most fun)
- napped on the heated carpet
- learned how to drive a right-hand drive car
- taught everyone my new daily stretching routine
- had my first christmas and ate a fuckton of sushi including whale bacon (because i wasn't allowed to celebrate it when i was a kid. btw i had my first birthday party when i was 21)
- went to a bunch of random grocery stores and spent $40+ on snacks (mostly dried fish)
- did pushups and pretended to be a train carrying a 4 year old on my back (and generally used her as a "weight" for random exercises)
- had the same 4 year old explain to me what 閉じ込まれる meant
- random high school japanese girl from the extended family being like "wow he really is jacked" and taking pictures with me to show her friends

nowhere in this stretch of time did i have the urge to compulsively check/use my phone. i sent merry christmas wishes and passively messaged people, but it was actually me sharing genuinely fun parts of my life.

i have to go home to tokyo (lol) tomorrow. obviously i don't want to

but i'm posting this because this is how i want my relationship with technology to be. i purposely decided to just not impose any digital restrictions for this trip and see what would happen

and it made me realize that ultimately all of the times i'm glued to the computer or phone are times when i feel trapped. and i already did a bunch of the "whoopity doo let's figure out whatever blah blah internal issues and insecurities" inner work things related to that.

but ultimately, it won't change until i fill my life with real things to do again.

i really did hit the reset button coming here to japan.

so other than a couple of past acquaintances and a "hey i would like to change my flight ticket to the next plane because my friend is riding that plane too" level of japanese, i'm really faced with what "blank slate" really means

and i really don't have a "digital addiction" in the sense that i absolutely need to be on my phone all the time!. it's more like i use it to avoid doing hard things that i know i need to do (actively studying japanese and not just passively watching the cute weather news girls talk about 15 centimeters of...uh.....), and that I don't get any validation from irl in tokyo (on the other hand i got constant validation here in hokkaido)

and speaking of japanese ability, as i've said before probably, plenty of guys do fine without actually knowing the language well or only a little bit but for whatever reason i can't do it.

i'm literally saying this as my friend's sister's husband who is a white european is sleeping in the next house over, and his japanese is heavily accented and like a 4 year old's level and below mine, and has to randomly switch to his native language and talks to his wife in that language as a handicap (who happened to learn that language).

but on the other hand throw me in a situation where everyone is watching a japanese "owarai" (comedy) involving 11 layers of japanese society and nuances and i'm completely fucking lost. i hate it.

i'm in a similar position with western media too because i had little exposure to it in the first place as a kid and then i was never interested in it anyway. the only reason i can do any small talk easily in japanese is because i abuse the fuck out of the "i'm the guy from america" card. "wow! this is only in japan, i really feel like this is japan!" "lol! in america it's like this" etc.

i've even said to japanese people that i enjoy doing small talk and etc in japanese and i can't do it in english for this reason. (obviously on the other hand more complex topics are easier in english)

i think with this group of people, i'm the "jacked brown guy from america who's good at japanese" because they really did see me not only improve my japanese since i was a beginner but to their surprise i went from a skinny nerd (細いオタク in their own words) to jacked (even tho i still have a long way to go). and i'm able to get extremely rare experiences that i wouldn't be able to otherwise. so of course doing whatever bs small talk is easy and fun because:
1. i'm inherently interesting and also provide value
2. i'm solid in who i am in this group since i'm aware of it

i'm really coming face to face with directly the concept of "how my time in japan will be is directly a result of how much and what work i put in"

December up until this point honestly felt like some mindless blur in my timeline

i hate how much i fucking hole myself in when i'm in tokyo, but i do it anyway

it's blips and slices of life like this that i live for. and i want my life to be like this.

if i had to rate the months of this year it'd be:
1. july (duh, lost v-card and got 3 lays and regular dates, and was busting my balls in general across all areas, fitness, boxing, online dating)
2. february (super regular approaching+gym routine and had lots of new experiences)
3. january (phoenix blast approaching and the other time i actually had fun at night)
4. october (LITERALLY washing windows the whole month. finally i'm useful for something other than being a fucking geek)

the rest of the year (including most of my time in japan up until this point) has been almost a blur, and it's why i'm making a big deal about digital addiction.

and i bring those months up specifically because i was actually doing things and got into the flow of them instead of being too scared to start.

 

[natedawg]

and i bring those months up specifically because i was actually doing things and got into the flow of them instead of being too scared to start.

Hey brother, hope you're doing well in Japan.

Seems like you're going through a stifling period. Curious, what's the #1 thing you're working on currently?

I'm wondering if you're setting the goals up to be too big in your head (which makes you freeze up), instead of just starting with the little things, then build up from there.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

and i bring those months up specifically because i was actually doing things and got into the flow of them instead of being too scared to start.

Hey brother, hope you're doing well in Japan.

Seems like you're going through a stifling period. Curious, what's the #1 thing you're working on currently?

I'm wondering if you're setting the goals up to be too big in your head (which makes you freeze up), instead of just starting with the little things, then build up from there.

honestly i think it's way simpler than that

it's literally simple things like trying to concentrate for even an hour on actually studying japanese.

i'm at the level where i finished all the fun parts and my effective level is a result of what i spent most of my time doing (chatting and making "language exchange" friends (but they're actually one-sided where we basically only speak japanese)).

i already know what to do for language learning and i have enlisted MakingAComeback for accountability on it.

the other goal is just getting jacked, which was going great until i mildly injured my shoulder. but i think I'll be able to work out again normally starting this week. also the detour made me incorporate daily stretching in my life now and actually take "care" seriously

the reason i'm focusing on these two seemingly bizarre indirect areas is because i ultimately "don't like my current product" (from testing it if you've read my logs from a year ago!) and it needs to change.

i did one approach session here a month ago and went up to around 20 girls. but ultimately i felt like a fucking retard because i don't believe in my own value in this place. and i've decided ultimately i just have to increase my own value. i've done it before already and it works and there's no bizarre mental tricks around it

part of my japanese study is actually somewhat kyil/gll-equivalents in that it's about things you need to do but specific to japan. but I'm not just consuming the content like Kirby (unlike kyil stuff 1.5 years ago) because
- there's no magic anymore for me of OMG THIS GUY BANGED A GIRL HE JUST STARTED TALKING TO WTF??? because i've heard so many stories and I've been at this for over a year at this point so it's basically my life now
- it's japanese so i can't just mindlessly consume it, i have to sit down and replay spam parts i didn't understand and etc. I'm sure after doing this for a month or so consistently I'll have a breakthrough and genuinely enjoy it though, as i've experienced this kind of path in the past

so yeah, this period has been stifling but i'm also 100% certain that it's temporary and it's also mostly a shell-shock reaction of going from "boo all the girls are fat and masculine" to "ok i need to change x y z a b c about myself let's fucking go". there's so much i look forward to here in japan and so many inexplicable tiny nuances and things that i do like. i would say it's more of a "cleansing" and "rebuilding" period than a stifling one