- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
A GREAT Day!
I woke up, feeling refreshed from the hustle yesterday. One of the things I enjoy about hard work, true hard work, where you feel it inside yourself, and you go to bed knowing, you gave so much, is that it cleanses you. You empty yourself through deep, long, focused work.
I woke up rested and positive.
Checked in with my chat about todays focus.
A great guy, who reads my log here, and who watches my videos, reached out and told me he will be in Budapest. We agreed to meet for a coffee, and I am so glad I was able to have this experience.
He was a very smart, very powerful Dutch man, who has a deep interest in Hypnosis. We talked for some time, about the journey, about life, and he then gave me a hypnosis session.
MAC’s First Hypnosis Session
This….blew me away.
Really.
I am so impressed.
Quintus, put me in a deep trance, and we went back through my life, and into the moment at which I first entered the dungeon, when I was 18. It was this time, I “decided” I was genetic garbage, and destined to die alone. A dark time. He got deep, deep inside my subconcsious, and began working with me, and with my body and mind, to re wire and re write this memory.
The session was in a coffee shop, sat outdoors, and was in full public purview. But I was gone, out of body entirely, as the hypnotist supported the most powerful part of me, my subconcious mind.
There were moments of such profound stillness and healing, it felt magical.
We came out of the session, and I felt so light, so free, and the pain that is often there, weighing down upon me, was fucking gone.
It just wasn’t there.
I felt so free, and so open, happy inside, and so balanced with who I am.
In acceptance and surrender to my human experience.
I thanked Quintus, and have invited him on the IronWill Podcast. I will do another session with him, and he gave me some books to read, and exercises to do.
I love this aspect of my KYIL log, and my online presence. People just….appear. This has happened many times. I LOVE this.
I will add this video here, as this man is a follower of Andy’s, and he reached out to me from reading my log online, and took time out of his own day to give value and ask for nothing in return. So I am happy to also return the favour and show him some love and respect in return:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxUjimtUKhs
Many of these views on my log, are lurkers, these are men who just read, but never make an account.
I often think about why people read this log. Some, no doubt, are silently rooting for me, see the pain I went through in my life, and want me to succeed at last and start to see the fruits of my labours. Others, are probably just curious and want to see if I can make it or not. I suspect there are also some, who probably dislike me, and take pleasure in my suffering. Underdogs often get shat on in life. This is what gives me so much drive and so much spiritual power.
I have a purpose in this world.
If I am the one who makes it, who achieves, who completes the mission and gets the job done, the hypothesis that is at the core of this journey will be proven:
The MAC Hypothesis:
“The best way to obtain what it is that you seek, is to pay the price. The Universe is not yet so insane it will not eventually reward the truly deserving person, who is willing to pay the price in blood, sweat, and tears”
-If someone is willing to truly, truly grind, and I mean TRULY grind, to a point where it is just SICK, sadistic, and evil, that person, if he wants his goals as bad as he wants to breathe, will taste victory in the end, and their efforts will be ultimately rewarded with success.
Day Game w/ Paw
I then hung out with Paw, and we went to the mall, to buy some stuff for our apartment. I had a convo with Paw this morning, about my worries in Budapest, and how I am unsure if I will be able to make the life I want work here or not.
We had a good convo. Obv, I really like my lifestyle, and living with Paw. I expressed my worries about Budapest and my overall life goals. He understood. We agreed, we will plough until December, and if nothing works, then we can explore options, such as keeping a main base in Budapest and doing short stays around the world, or going back home to the UK and recalibrating for a while.
We headed out. I am blissed out from the hypnosis.
Something I didn’t mention on the log.
A few days ago, when approaching, I went something like 0/10 (the number I got, was fake), and I was hurting inside.
Walking the very pretty streets of Budapest, with their iconic architecture, there was no solace to be found. Life, felt rather bleak. It was a moment when I wandered around, alone as ever, and thinking to myself, well Ravi...looks like you’re sorta kinda screwed.
No one loves you when you’re down and out, as the song says.
When the fish aren’t biting, when the night is long, and when the obstacles before you seem so unsurmountable, that your inner resolve starts to fail you.
The grit, the fire inside, the determination we have as men to keep pushing, in fleeting moments, when our back is up against the wall, can seem to abandon you.
Walking the streets, I reflected on the past 10 months.
10, long, lonely months, alone with my thoughts. Walking the streets of Europe each day, as the candle of hope, starts to flicker. The wick, burning slowly, towards a lower ebb. A warm glow emanates in the twilight hour, as dusk sets in, and rain pours in one’s heart, against a sombre window pane. Loneliness, becomes a dark companion. It emerges from the corner of the room, animated and set in motion, and comes to visit once again. A bittersweet companion, whose face brings no solace, but whose presence becomes so familiar as the veils of time move on. As we mature from boys, to men, and as the companionship, relationships, and love we seek, seems as if it just was not to be, and it is as though the prophecy was written long ago after all. God’s lonely man.
A dialogue unfolded in my head
“Ravi, are you really capable of doing this? Pause for a moment, and be objective. Are you really capable of doing this?”
I stood there in rush hour traffic, as people filtered out of their office buildings and into the frenetic, post work rush back into the world, flowing back into life.
“You are here getting rejected every day. You receive such negative feedback from the world, every day. This is not normal. Look at these other men walking down the street with women. Why has that never been you in 32 years? Do you think it’s going to happen now?”
A very bleak moment elapsed, and colour drained from the world.
“Is there any woman on the face of the earth who will love you? Look at yourself. Do you blame them? No. If YOU were a woman, would you choose this man”
I stopped for a moment, and looked at myself in the reflection of a office building.
“No”
I exhaled and kept walking.
Hope, in the situation I found myself in, is long gone.
Hope, as you travel down this road, and get further along in the journey, does leave you.
Hope, I have found, is not a good tool, as it is quick to fold, and abandons you when you most need it, when you are at rock bottom and broken inside.
Instead, for the true warrior, there is only one true ally you will find in this world.
Something very few men walking the earth will ever have, or go deep enough inside themselves to find.
True Iron Will
The flame that refuses to burn out, the flicker that refuses to go gently into the good night
Burning, raging, raving, against the dying of the light
When it’s looking disgustingly enough, this is where you find our what you are made of
Where your ability to influence my life ends, and my soul begins
As David Goggins would say: When talent has run out
And there is no ability, no capacity, and no raw faculty you have inside you that can empower you to move forward
When there is no hope left in the world
You must become hope in the world
Defeated, Dejected, Alone Again
“Spend some time away
Getting ready for the day you're born again”
-Mac Demarco, Chamber of Reflections
As I slunk home in my stupor, as the Central European sun began to set, and cast long silhouettes onto the expanse, as my heart was heavy, I journeyed home.
Then, she passed me.
A girl, vivacious, intoxicating. So gorgeous.
She saw me from over yonder, and walked directly to me. We locked eyes, held gaze, and she walked right up to me. Up to my personal space. Up in my grill. Her hair, red as an English rose, with piercing blue eyes like a cat. An animal expression stretched across our faces as we brushed past each other, an intense sexuality in the air.
It was a moment, so powerful, it woke me up from my dream.
She was so confident, so powerful, so affirmed in her sexuality and feminine power, she overpowered me, and I did not have the strength inside to contain the tension she imposed upon me.
She walked away, victorious.
“….did...that just happen?” I thought to myself
I paused for a moment, and concurred that it did.
And yet, I had no strength left on this day. Nothing was left.
The warmest approach signal of all time, and I couldn’t approach.
I took some steps back, and sat down on the floor, head in hands, hyperventilating.
“What is so wrong with you Ravi? She may have liked you. You could have just said hello. What is there to lose. A woman as beautiful as that, giving you even a second glance, is incredible, don’t you see that?”
Then, the other voice began to make it’s opinion known
“Well she’d have just rejected you anyway. You’d approach, and she’d immediately be in disgust and reject you. Save yourself the embarrassment, and just go home. Girls like that, are not for men like you. Look at yourself in the mirror. You know what you are, who you are, and the way they treat you speaks volumes. Go home and go to bed”
The second voice, on this occasion, won out.
__________________________
OR DID IT?…………………………………...
RESUMED: CONTINUED FROM ABOVE:
Following the hypnosis, I went out to day game with Paw.
As we leave the house, as we are just seconds outside the apartment, guess who we see?
Well, I didn’t even notice.
I am busy chatting with Paw, and am focused on that, but he notices something.
“Bro, I think you need to go back and approach that chick, she was looking at you”
I turn around, and guess who it is?
It’s the girl with red hair, spring in her step, fire in her heart, and tattoos on her skin.
I SPRINT over.
………...Cue the best approach of all time.
I stop her, and she is just so warm, so receptive, and she hooks IMMEDIATELY.
“I like your stretch marks” she glances at my shoulders
“Yeah, I was a big boy, lost a lot of weight”
“I glowed up this year a lot too”
We banter, and she is VERY into me. She is asking me question after question, all I asked was her name, the rest was her asking me lots of questions, about what I do, where I live, and so on.
“I’m going to Greece, but I’m back Thursday, and I would love to continue this conversation. Take my number”
She gave me her number.
“Well, I’m actually more active on Instagram, so take my Instagram too”
She adds herself on IG on my phone, and follows me back right away.
She replied to my initial feeler, we are vibing and bantering, and I see she just sent me a voice note.
Very, very cool.
I would say, that interaction, when I locked eyes with her walking back from cold approach, was the most raw physical attraction for a girl I have felt in my fucking life. It knocked my fucking socks off.
If I could put that feeling in a pill, I would be a very, very rich man.
GOOD LAWD
I am now, settling down from a great day, and am about to watch the videos Manly linked and read the feedback from everyone, from natedawg , The Dom (AskTheDom), Klondike klondike , and Paw Paw .
_________________________
Reflections on Progress: The Heart is A Lonely Hunter
There is a strange freedom in solitude.
A refuge one can find.
Loneliness, can seep into one’s bones.
Not during the days. The Involuntary Celibate, which I was for 30 years of my life, will tell you that there are feelings we can have, that perhaps no one else will ever begin to understand, and are quite harrowing to begin to describe. Those days, brought strange sensations to the mind, feelings of somehow being malcreated, as if our humanity was not for this earth, as if we are an alien from some distant land, incarnated in this world, to have the human experience, but to be somehow dislocated and removed from the social body en masse. Alive, breathing, but as I used to say in those years in the wilderness – the lights were on, but there was no one home.
There was a special dimension this added to life.
Long term loneliness, seemed to add beauty to life, and brought an appreciation of nature, and of art, history, and of the world. It added a special appreciation to the warm glow of the sunrise, and in my many years of chronic sickness, to awaken to a spectacular crimson sky, so rich in texture and hue, brought an appreciation of life and the human experience that was felt in the soul, and gave me moments of ecstasy, as the mystics would write about in the spiritual texts, these were moments where our spiritual potency burned with the brightness of a thousand suns.
These moments, I savoured, and in my former life as an agorophobic, housebound, whose only interface with the outside world was his parents garden, these moments were so transcendental, they could fill 5 books.
This, was perhaps is only sin. That I longed to know the esctasy of love that I would feel in those moments as my eyes met those divine skies, and those starry, starry nights, pallete painted blue and grey, shadows on the hills.
I will never forget them and the companionship I obtained from the sky, from works of art, from the great classics of literature, and from the tomes of history and a time bygone.
This life I now live, is one that has defied the odds.
For a man from such a background as I, this life, for it’s agonies and ecstasies, has still brought feelings so unique, that they outweigh the trials and tribulations that the path brings fourth.
Now, as the dry spell runs on 10 months, in the quiet, twilight hours, when I am alone, in the dimly lit solutude of my room, my mind turns to old memories, fragments of the past, hopes, dreams, and the desires of my heart, and the longing that I still feel inside.
There are many men on this community, and together, we have created something very special. I have never seen a collection of such quality men, who have been so vulnerable.
KYIL will go down in history.
Andy will go down in history.
What we have here, for all the ups and downs, is something very beautiful, and the journey that I share here with you, for it’s ups and downs, still is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I cannot believe, of all the hardcases who are out there, it was me who got the fly the flag of redemption and to see if I can be the one who can break the curse for us all.
The fact this got to over half a million reads, from the hell I came from when I started, and the messages I will get from people telling me they have the read THE ENTIRE THING, floors me sometimes.
This is the glory of the human animal.
The people who got me here, my useless, incompetent, self sabotaging ass, were other men.
Other men, who, for all my flaws, still saw value in me, and decided to give me a break, and take a chance on a wild card, and see if a dog from the sewer of life could be turned around.
These men seemed to take me on as a sort of personal project, and through their mentorship and guidance, I have gotten here.
There is still fight in me yet..........
As the legend himself says:
"ITS NOT OVER"
-Thebastard
I know my life has a purpose.
And I will prove my hypothesis.
The Phoenix rose from the ashes.
I will go all the way.
And there is a future, one day, where I will know I’ve made it.
It won’t be long now.
We’ve gotten this far.
We will go all the way to the end.
I do not know many things in this world.
But I do know one thing for certain:
The disease of loneliness has a cure.
That cure, is called Game.
For the underdog in life to win, and to become a person who can win the fight, he will need to play the ultimate trump card, the great equaliser, and embark on the journey of journeys to learn game.
The hardest skill to obtain of all time.
Those who have obtained it, pass on the knowledge.
The first time I ever saw it, was when I met The Dom.
It was this which convinced me that this can be done, and why I am still writing on this website, and why I did not throw in the towel long ago.
Thank you to those who taught me and gave me a second chance at life: pancakemouse , Rags2Bitches , AskTheDom , Thebastard
Thank you to my first mentors, Andy and Radical.
And thank you to my brothers who walk beside me every single day, and who lift me up in the dark times of my life, who help me find the strength to lift my sword, get back on my horse, and stride onto the field of battle once again
pancakemouse
Rags2Bitches
arcade_fireee
september
Crisis_Overcomer
Honorary mention to the former members who were honourably discharged:
The Bulldog – The Greatest Of All Time, King Colgate
Prince Mimbe
Here, I wanted to write and express more today, for my patient readers who have been with me from the start, and who stay with me, and continue to believe in me, even when I do not believe in myself.
I have had many dry weeks, but I am closing this week, with 6 contacts exchanged in day game, and 3 replies to feeler texts, my personal best within a single week. And I have had my first day game voice note, from a lady who has, through her fleeting, momentary glance at me, which may never be more than this, atleast gotten my blood coursing and pumping. Sometimes, the Universe will bear a sign, and this time, it's signal was lovely in form: Ravi, it's not over yet...............
Just stay with me. I promise you, somehow, I will get the job done.
I will bring you the happier journal entries that you and I both seek.
And I will prove to you, and everyone else who ever reads this journal, that with hard work, dedication, and commitment, a humble man from dirt nothing, can make something of himself in this world, and become a man he is proud of.
To happier times.
Your friend,
MAC
I woke up, feeling refreshed from the hustle yesterday. One of the things I enjoy about hard work, true hard work, where you feel it inside yourself, and you go to bed knowing, you gave so much, is that it cleanses you. You empty yourself through deep, long, focused work.
I woke up rested and positive.
Checked in with my chat about todays focus.
A great guy, who reads my log here, and who watches my videos, reached out and told me he will be in Budapest. We agreed to meet for a coffee, and I am so glad I was able to have this experience.
He was a very smart, very powerful Dutch man, who has a deep interest in Hypnosis. We talked for some time, about the journey, about life, and he then gave me a hypnosis session.
MAC’s First Hypnosis Session
This….blew me away.
Really.
I am so impressed.
Quintus, put me in a deep trance, and we went back through my life, and into the moment at which I first entered the dungeon, when I was 18. It was this time, I “decided” I was genetic garbage, and destined to die alone. A dark time. He got deep, deep inside my subconcsious, and began working with me, and with my body and mind, to re wire and re write this memory.
The session was in a coffee shop, sat outdoors, and was in full public purview. But I was gone, out of body entirely, as the hypnotist supported the most powerful part of me, my subconcious mind.
There were moments of such profound stillness and healing, it felt magical.
We came out of the session, and I felt so light, so free, and the pain that is often there, weighing down upon me, was fucking gone.
It just wasn’t there.
I felt so free, and so open, happy inside, and so balanced with who I am.
In acceptance and surrender to my human experience.
I thanked Quintus, and have invited him on the IronWill Podcast. I will do another session with him, and he gave me some books to read, and exercises to do.
I love this aspect of my KYIL log, and my online presence. People just….appear. This has happened many times. I LOVE this.
I will add this video here, as this man is a follower of Andy’s, and he reached out to me from reading my log online, and took time out of his own day to give value and ask for nothing in return. So I am happy to also return the favour and show him some love and respect in return:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxUjimtUKhs
Many of these views on my log, are lurkers, these are men who just read, but never make an account.
I often think about why people read this log. Some, no doubt, are silently rooting for me, see the pain I went through in my life, and want me to succeed at last and start to see the fruits of my labours. Others, are probably just curious and want to see if I can make it or not. I suspect there are also some, who probably dislike me, and take pleasure in my suffering. Underdogs often get shat on in life. This is what gives me so much drive and so much spiritual power.
I have a purpose in this world.
If I am the one who makes it, who achieves, who completes the mission and gets the job done, the hypothesis that is at the core of this journey will be proven:
The MAC Hypothesis:
“The best way to obtain what it is that you seek, is to pay the price. The Universe is not yet so insane it will not eventually reward the truly deserving person, who is willing to pay the price in blood, sweat, and tears”
-If someone is willing to truly, truly grind, and I mean TRULY grind, to a point where it is just SICK, sadistic, and evil, that person, if he wants his goals as bad as he wants to breathe, will taste victory in the end, and their efforts will be ultimately rewarded with success.
Day Game w/ Paw
I then hung out with Paw, and we went to the mall, to buy some stuff for our apartment. I had a convo with Paw this morning, about my worries in Budapest, and how I am unsure if I will be able to make the life I want work here or not.
We had a good convo. Obv, I really like my lifestyle, and living with Paw. I expressed my worries about Budapest and my overall life goals. He understood. We agreed, we will plough until December, and if nothing works, then we can explore options, such as keeping a main base in Budapest and doing short stays around the world, or going back home to the UK and recalibrating for a while.
We headed out. I am blissed out from the hypnosis.
Code:
(PAUSE: This thread will be continued…...keep reading)Something I didn’t mention on the log.
A few days ago, when approaching, I went something like 0/10 (the number I got, was fake), and I was hurting inside.
Walking the very pretty streets of Budapest, with their iconic architecture, there was no solace to be found. Life, felt rather bleak. It was a moment when I wandered around, alone as ever, and thinking to myself, well Ravi...looks like you’re sorta kinda screwed.
No one loves you when you’re down and out, as the song says.
When the fish aren’t biting, when the night is long, and when the obstacles before you seem so unsurmountable, that your inner resolve starts to fail you.
The grit, the fire inside, the determination we have as men to keep pushing, in fleeting moments, when our back is up against the wall, can seem to abandon you.
Walking the streets, I reflected on the past 10 months.
10, long, lonely months, alone with my thoughts. Walking the streets of Europe each day, as the candle of hope, starts to flicker. The wick, burning slowly, towards a lower ebb. A warm glow emanates in the twilight hour, as dusk sets in, and rain pours in one’s heart, against a sombre window pane. Loneliness, becomes a dark companion. It emerges from the corner of the room, animated and set in motion, and comes to visit once again. A bittersweet companion, whose face brings no solace, but whose presence becomes so familiar as the veils of time move on. As we mature from boys, to men, and as the companionship, relationships, and love we seek, seems as if it just was not to be, and it is as though the prophecy was written long ago after all. God’s lonely man.
A dialogue unfolded in my head
“Ravi, are you really capable of doing this? Pause for a moment, and be objective. Are you really capable of doing this?”
I stood there in rush hour traffic, as people filtered out of their office buildings and into the frenetic, post work rush back into the world, flowing back into life.
“You are here getting rejected every day. You receive such negative feedback from the world, every day. This is not normal. Look at these other men walking down the street with women. Why has that never been you in 32 years? Do you think it’s going to happen now?”
A very bleak moment elapsed, and colour drained from the world.
“Is there any woman on the face of the earth who will love you? Look at yourself. Do you blame them? No. If YOU were a woman, would you choose this man”
I stopped for a moment, and looked at myself in the reflection of a office building.
“No”
I exhaled and kept walking.
Hope, in the situation I found myself in, is long gone.
Hope, as you travel down this road, and get further along in the journey, does leave you.
Hope, I have found, is not a good tool, as it is quick to fold, and abandons you when you most need it, when you are at rock bottom and broken inside.
Instead, for the true warrior, there is only one true ally you will find in this world.
Something very few men walking the earth will ever have, or go deep enough inside themselves to find.
True Iron Will
The flame that refuses to burn out, the flicker that refuses to go gently into the good night
Burning, raging, raving, against the dying of the light
When it’s looking disgustingly enough, this is where you find our what you are made of
Where your ability to influence my life ends, and my soul begins
As David Goggins would say: When talent has run out
And there is no ability, no capacity, and no raw faculty you have inside you that can empower you to move forward
When there is no hope left in the world
You must become hope in the world
Defeated, Dejected, Alone Again
“Spend some time away
Getting ready for the day you're born again”
-Mac Demarco, Chamber of Reflections
As I slunk home in my stupor, as the Central European sun began to set, and cast long silhouettes onto the expanse, as my heart was heavy, I journeyed home.
Then, she passed me.
A girl, vivacious, intoxicating. So gorgeous.
She saw me from over yonder, and walked directly to me. We locked eyes, held gaze, and she walked right up to me. Up to my personal space. Up in my grill. Her hair, red as an English rose, with piercing blue eyes like a cat. An animal expression stretched across our faces as we brushed past each other, an intense sexuality in the air.
It was a moment, so powerful, it woke me up from my dream.
She was so confident, so powerful, so affirmed in her sexuality and feminine power, she overpowered me, and I did not have the strength inside to contain the tension she imposed upon me.
She walked away, victorious.
“….did...that just happen?” I thought to myself
I paused for a moment, and concurred that it did.
And yet, I had no strength left on this day. Nothing was left.
The warmest approach signal of all time, and I couldn’t approach.
I took some steps back, and sat down on the floor, head in hands, hyperventilating.
“What is so wrong with you Ravi? She may have liked you. You could have just said hello. What is there to lose. A woman as beautiful as that, giving you even a second glance, is incredible, don’t you see that?”
Then, the other voice began to make it’s opinion known
“Well she’d have just rejected you anyway. You’d approach, and she’d immediately be in disgust and reject you. Save yourself the embarrassment, and just go home. Girls like that, are not for men like you. Look at yourself in the mirror. You know what you are, who you are, and the way they treat you speaks volumes. Go home and go to bed”
The second voice, on this occasion, won out.
__________________________
OR DID IT?…………………………………...
RESUMED: CONTINUED FROM ABOVE:
Following the hypnosis, I went out to day game with Paw.
As we leave the house, as we are just seconds outside the apartment, guess who we see?
Well, I didn’t even notice.
I am busy chatting with Paw, and am focused on that, but he notices something.
“Bro, I think you need to go back and approach that chick, she was looking at you”
I turn around, and guess who it is?
It’s the girl with red hair, spring in her step, fire in her heart, and tattoos on her skin.
I SPRINT over.
………...Cue the best approach of all time.
I stop her, and she is just so warm, so receptive, and she hooks IMMEDIATELY.
“I like your stretch marks” she glances at my shoulders
“Yeah, I was a big boy, lost a lot of weight”
“I glowed up this year a lot too”
We banter, and she is VERY into me. She is asking me question after question, all I asked was her name, the rest was her asking me lots of questions, about what I do, where I live, and so on.
“I’m going to Greece, but I’m back Thursday, and I would love to continue this conversation. Take my number”
She gave me her number.
“Well, I’m actually more active on Instagram, so take my Instagram too”
She adds herself on IG on my phone, and follows me back right away.
She replied to my initial feeler, we are vibing and bantering, and I see she just sent me a voice note.
Very, very cool.
I would say, that interaction, when I locked eyes with her walking back from cold approach, was the most raw physical attraction for a girl I have felt in my fucking life. It knocked my fucking socks off.
If I could put that feeling in a pill, I would be a very, very rich man.
GOOD LAWD
I am now, settling down from a great day, and am about to watch the videos Manly linked and read the feedback from everyone, from natedawg , The Dom (AskTheDom), Klondike klondike , and Paw Paw .
_________________________
Reflections on Progress: The Heart is A Lonely Hunter
There is a strange freedom in solitude.
A refuge one can find.
Loneliness, can seep into one’s bones.
Not during the days. The Involuntary Celibate, which I was for 30 years of my life, will tell you that there are feelings we can have, that perhaps no one else will ever begin to understand, and are quite harrowing to begin to describe. Those days, brought strange sensations to the mind, feelings of somehow being malcreated, as if our humanity was not for this earth, as if we are an alien from some distant land, incarnated in this world, to have the human experience, but to be somehow dislocated and removed from the social body en masse. Alive, breathing, but as I used to say in those years in the wilderness – the lights were on, but there was no one home.
There was a special dimension this added to life.
Long term loneliness, seemed to add beauty to life, and brought an appreciation of nature, and of art, history, and of the world. It added a special appreciation to the warm glow of the sunrise, and in my many years of chronic sickness, to awaken to a spectacular crimson sky, so rich in texture and hue, brought an appreciation of life and the human experience that was felt in the soul, and gave me moments of ecstasy, as the mystics would write about in the spiritual texts, these were moments where our spiritual potency burned with the brightness of a thousand suns.
These moments, I savoured, and in my former life as an agorophobic, housebound, whose only interface with the outside world was his parents garden, these moments were so transcendental, they could fill 5 books.
This, was perhaps is only sin. That I longed to know the esctasy of love that I would feel in those moments as my eyes met those divine skies, and those starry, starry nights, pallete painted blue and grey, shadows on the hills.
I will never forget them and the companionship I obtained from the sky, from works of art, from the great classics of literature, and from the tomes of history and a time bygone.
This life I now live, is one that has defied the odds.
For a man from such a background as I, this life, for it’s agonies and ecstasies, has still brought feelings so unique, that they outweigh the trials and tribulations that the path brings fourth.
Now, as the dry spell runs on 10 months, in the quiet, twilight hours, when I am alone, in the dimly lit solutude of my room, my mind turns to old memories, fragments of the past, hopes, dreams, and the desires of my heart, and the longing that I still feel inside.
There are many men on this community, and together, we have created something very special. I have never seen a collection of such quality men, who have been so vulnerable.
KYIL will go down in history.
Andy will go down in history.
What we have here, for all the ups and downs, is something very beautiful, and the journey that I share here with you, for it’s ups and downs, still is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I cannot believe, of all the hardcases who are out there, it was me who got the fly the flag of redemption and to see if I can be the one who can break the curse for us all.
The fact this got to over half a million reads, from the hell I came from when I started, and the messages I will get from people telling me they have the read THE ENTIRE THING, floors me sometimes.
This is the glory of the human animal.
The people who got me here, my useless, incompetent, self sabotaging ass, were other men.
Other men, who, for all my flaws, still saw value in me, and decided to give me a break, and take a chance on a wild card, and see if a dog from the sewer of life could be turned around.
These men seemed to take me on as a sort of personal project, and through their mentorship and guidance, I have gotten here.
There is still fight in me yet..........
As the legend himself says:
"ITS NOT OVER"
-Thebastard
I know my life has a purpose.
And I will prove my hypothesis.
The Phoenix rose from the ashes.
I will go all the way.
And there is a future, one day, where I will know I’ve made it.
It won’t be long now.
We’ve gotten this far.
We will go all the way to the end.
I do not know many things in this world.
But I do know one thing for certain:
The disease of loneliness has a cure.
That cure, is called Game.
For the underdog in life to win, and to become a person who can win the fight, he will need to play the ultimate trump card, the great equaliser, and embark on the journey of journeys to learn game.
The hardest skill to obtain of all time.
Those who have obtained it, pass on the knowledge.
The first time I ever saw it, was when I met The Dom.
It was this which convinced me that this can be done, and why I am still writing on this website, and why I did not throw in the towel long ago.
Thank you to those who taught me and gave me a second chance at life: pancakemouse , Rags2Bitches , AskTheDom , Thebastard
Thank you to my first mentors, Andy and Radical.
And thank you to my brothers who walk beside me every single day, and who lift me up in the dark times of my life, who help me find the strength to lift my sword, get back on my horse, and stride onto the field of battle once again
pancakemouse
Rags2Bitches
arcade_fireee
september
Crisis_Overcomer
Honorary mention to the former members who were honourably discharged:
The Bulldog – The Greatest Of All Time, King Colgate
Prince Mimbe
Here, I wanted to write and express more today, for my patient readers who have been with me from the start, and who stay with me, and continue to believe in me, even when I do not believe in myself.
I have had many dry weeks, but I am closing this week, with 6 contacts exchanged in day game, and 3 replies to feeler texts, my personal best within a single week. And I have had my first day game voice note, from a lady who has, through her fleeting, momentary glance at me, which may never be more than this, atleast gotten my blood coursing and pumping. Sometimes, the Universe will bear a sign, and this time, it's signal was lovely in form: Ravi, it's not over yet...............
Just stay with me. I promise you, somehow, I will get the job done.
I will bring you the happier journal entries that you and I both seek.
And I will prove to you, and everyone else who ever reads this journal, that with hard work, dedication, and commitment, a humble man from dirt nothing, can make something of himself in this world, and become a man he is proud of.
To happier times.
Your friend,
MAC
