Hey gents,
Apologies for my absence last week.
For the past few weeks, since returning from Budapest, I have been called to do a lot of reflection, and my mind has been a very busy place. Deeply, my intuition as a human, has been telling me for some time, Ravi, something is wrong.
This has been a thought, that has been bothering me night and day, for a long time now, to be frank.
Years.
I was not ready to talk about this, for years. For my entire life, I suppressed it.
It is from going on this journey for the past 3 years, the support, the mentoring, the coaching, the working through all of my issues, systematically, one by one, that I have begun to understand myself more. The more I healed myself, and the more I began to enjoy my life, I gained strength, confidence, belief, and now, after many years of work, and pulling my life together, I am ready and strong enough as a man to talk about my real issues.
I am a childhood trauma survivor.
I grew up in a household, with an abusive father.
He was a true demon, and he tortured his own family. Brutally.
The first time I realised my Dad was a bad man, was when I was 4 years old. I knocked a vase off the top of a cabinet, and my Mum freaked out to the point of totally losing her shit. Not because I did something wrong, but because if my Dad found out, she knew what would happen to both of us.
My Dad, got an arranged marriage to a beautiful, beautiful girl from a small village in North India, from a really solid, traditional, God-fearing Sikh family, who married her off, and she was then expected to do her duties as a wife, no matter what. She never met the guy before, and was just sold off like cattle, with no say in the matter, and no option to do anything other than be a slavishly devoted wife and incredible mother. Or, shame her entire family. These force of shame, is a deeply powerful force in Asia, and in traditional family structures. People will literally have their entire soul destroyed, and live in unimaginable agony, before they risk shame.
Which was what happened to us.
As she was beside herself with fear, tears, and praying to God please don't let anything be broken, she saw that only a small piece of the vase had been chipped. She loudly praised God, in her fit of tears, and she could see I was totally puzzled. She said, I've got an idea, and we'll be able to fix it. She frenetically rushed around the house, found some tape, and she found a way to tape the small chip from the inside of the vase, so no one observing it from the outside could tell. She hugged me, and was overjoyed that she was able to fix it "this time", and she tearfully reassured me and made me absolutely promise I will never, ever tell my Dad that I knocked over a vase. She made me swear I wouldn't, and I said I wouldn't.
I was 4.
My Dad then returned from work, and I greeted him at the door. He was smiles and quite pleasant. Because I thought my Dad was a good guy, and I thought I could tell him anything, and he will protect me and have my back, because he's my Dad, I just told him the entire story, because I thought telling the truth was the right thing to do, or so my teachers told me in school. They told me, people will understand, and it's OK to make mistakes.
"Oh, and by the way, when I was playing, I knocked over a vase, but it's OK, don't worry, Mum taped it"
All of a sudden, the entire energy of the experience changed.
He initially thought I was joking and just playing some imaginary games, as I did at that time
"What vase do you mean, you little mouse? There is no vase here"
I could tell something had shifted, and I remember how I had never seen my Dad look like this, with his facial expression, his tenseness. But I was naive, and a kid.
I told him I would show him. So I took him by the hand, and went to show him.
"That vase there" and I pointed to it
I remember the absolute fear in my Mum's eyes, and the look on her face.
Unbeknownst to me, this was the moment that would change my entire life.
My Dad attempted to murder me when I was 4 years old.
He initially was laughing, and said, oh but you couldn't have broken it, there is nothing wrong with it. He literally at this point, thought I was making it up, and playing imaginary games like I did, running around the house and making up stories.
"No, I am not making this one up, it really happened. Look inside, Mum had to use some tape"
And at this point, my Mum was already started to cry and shake, tremor, and become hysterical. I was so confused, and thought why the hell is she acting like that.
My Dad took a very different tone then. "OK, I will look at it and see if you've been breaking my stuff"
He took the vase off the cabinet, saw the tape, and then exploded into the most uncontrollable, most maniacal, demonic rage you could possible imagine. He completely lost control. The vase, from the outside, was immaculate, btw. We are talking about a small chip, of about 3cm. When taped from behind, it was impossible to tell it had ever been damaged. But he didn't care, to his mind, his wife had disobeyed him, and the boy that belongs to her, who he had to work to support, is now breaking his stuff, that is how little respect these parasites have for him.
I looked at my teachers in school, and thought adults were kind, useful, and wanted to help us young kids. I was not prepared for what would then occur.
He smacked me with am open palm first, full force, and then I began to cry and scream. His rage then went up 10 levels. My Mum was trying to reason with him, and tell him that is enough, he will not do it again. But he was just driven into more extreme rage by this, and now, it was my Mum's fault. "You've taught him to do this, this is your fault, and now I am going to show you".
I tried to escape, and ran to the sofa, and rolled up in a ball. He descended on me, as I was rolled up in a ball, and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.
When I saw he beat me, I don't mean, a few slaps. I mean, literally attempted murder on a 4 year old child. He was roughly the age I am now, so 32 or 33, 6ft6, 18 inch arms, an enormous beast of a man. And he was punching a 4 year old boy, full force, with uncontrollable, extreme rage. He had seen red, gone into fight or flight, and decided he had to take me off the face of the earth, because I was the boy that came from his wife, who he saw as just a drain on his resources, and someone who was a sub-human, lower than him, and who didn't deserve to be in this world. Truly, this is how much of a demon this man was.
My Mum was hysterical, screaming, begging for him to stop, "Please, please, he's a baby, you can't hit baby boys like this, he will die! Please, you're going to kill him, he is going to die!"
He was in such a rage, he was screaming "Good, good, let him die, and then I will kill you next"
And then, my absolute G of a mother, showed me at the age of 4 how she is my guardian angel.
She literally threw herself on top of me, as I was a small ball having extremely heavy blows land on me, and she covered me with her body, holding my small 4 year old frame so tight, she literally absorbed all of these blows. I felt them, I heard them, and to this day, have been unable to get this scene out of my head, the awful sounds of my Dads fists smashing upon her.
She took these blows, as I was screaming and crying, and kept reassuring me, "It's OK, son, I will protect you". When he had truly beaten her to an actual pulp, he stormed off to his room, where he was screaming at the top of his lungs for 5 or so hours, "don't fuck with me, that is what happens when you fuck with me, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit, no one breaks my stuff"
Me and my Mum sat there, staring at each other, without exchanging a word. For hours.
I was broken that moment on, and I have never been the same since At 4, I lost my childhood innocence, and was tramatised to the bone. Even back then, I knew, something had happened to me. I used to like looking at the sky. It used to make me quite happy and I was always drawn to nature. I remember how, the next day, the sky didn’t look the way it used to any-more. It just wasn’t as blue, and there wasn’t the same colour left in the world after that. I knew, even then, something has happened to me.
Now, as a 32 year old man, I can see, at that moment, me and my Mum had both been traumatised to the absolute bone, and we both know, we had lost our innocence. She was a young girl herself, she was married off at 21. Beautiful, from a good home, the kindest and sweetest religious girl you could imagine, never drank, never smoked, to this day, an absolute angel of a human being and the epitome of love, kindness, and the goodness of the human animal.
That was the first time it happened.
Needless to say, from this point on, these events and occurrences, would happen. It went on like this, for years.
In every way your father can possibly fail you, mine failed me. He literally made my life hell, and went out of his way to make sure I lived in absolute misery.
Somehow, I shut down emotionally, around my early teens, and just convinced myself that I will grow up one day, and I will succeed, and spit in this guys face. However, the guy did true damage to me, I developed severe anxiety and ADHD/dissociation from the time I was 4, couldn't focus, was crying all the time, literally every day,
He completely broke my brain, and the abuse caused me to develop depression and anxiety at fucking 5 years old! I cried, daily, for years. For the first year or two of school, I literally could not enter the classroom. I would cry from the moment I got up, to the moment school ended. Typically, I would just go to the cloakroom, place a bunch of coats on me, and huddle up in a ball and cry for hours. The teachers, were understanding, and left me to it. They did help me, and found a kid to be friends with me, sit in the cloakroom with me, sometimes all day, and with his help, I eventually entered the classroom, and started normal education. This set in motion the lifelong pattern of finding other men, and getting them to help me.
When I was 16 years old, on my birthday, when I got up in the morning, my Dad came up to me and told me he hated my guts.
My Dad did not speak to me until I was in my late 20s. He didn't initiate any form of conversation with me, have any contact, or even say hello to me until I was 27. Though I went away to Uni for 3 years, and lived away, I actually lived with my parents until I joined this forum, and the other men helped me get my life together, and helped me move out of my parents place.
This dude, literally almost destroyed me as a person.
What was my saving grace, and why didn't I become a criminal or drug addict?
My mother, was my guardian angel. She is the most beautiful, loving, kind, sweet, and genuinely good human being I have ever met, she loved me tonnes and tonnes, unconditionally, literally an angel, and for that reason, though I have had thoughts of suicide twice in my life, because in my core, I know my mother loves me, I didn't do it.
Something I can recall, from when I was 7-9, was looking up at the cabinet and seeing that vase, still there. I looked at it, and would think to myself, before I knocked that thing off, I was a happy boy. Now, I am a sad boy. I would ponder, sometimes for hours, what my life would have been like had I not knocked over that vase?
The insane incidents, the thing I have seen, are just so sordid, so disgusting and inhuman, they are the stuff of nightmares. The worst abuse of human beings you can imagine. I have lived through it.
So, yes, you've read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins.
And almost 900,000 of you have read my log.
There is a reason childhood trauma survivors pique interest. This is a truly savage experience, and those who have lived it, will know how our world is just a different world.
I am also a childhood trauma survivor, I also came from Hell, and why I resonated with David Goggins so much, was he came from the same Hell I did, and not only did he get himself out, but he has become an inspiration to millions of men. Like me. He was the one who finally got through to me, and convinced me that I could, too, be something in this world. So I started my journey here. I knew he had the wound. Childhood trauma survivors, know when other people have the wound, and we find each other, befriend each other, and somehow, we do this to heal.
My Dad, did real damage to me.
And yet, I forgive him. For the past 3 years, I have been speaking to him. I can tell you, he is an incredibly weird, autistic, and genuinely remarkably odd human being. Frankly, he came from an awful background himself, was deeply traumatised by the early death of my Grandad, who was a fantastic guy, and in response to this, my Dad's world fell apart and he became a monster. That is the only way I can describe him. His trauma, over 20 years, has been processed, and now, he is able to speak to me to some degree. To everyone else, he is an entirely different guy. This, I have learned, is what happens in childhood trauma. Everyone else in his world, sees him as a normal and pleasant man. But his trauma, is linked to his wife and kids, we are his trigger, so with us, his demon came out and it sought to completely destroy everything it could touch.
.....And it almost did. But the force of evil, cannot defeat the force of love. And my mother's unconditional love, her unwavering, decades love love, support, deep belief in me, and her encouragement, saved me, and stopped me from also becoming a demon. She made me into a good person, and a being of light, who does the right thing, does no harm, and actually fixes the real problems.
Why did I hold such anger to women?
When I was 4+, those many years when my Dad was abusing me and my Mum, I would cry to her for hours, why did you marry him Mum? Why did you bring a man like this into my life? What if he kills you? What if he kills us both? I would cry hysterically, but she had the patience of an angel, and would speak to me for hours.
She reassured me, one day, I would grow up, and when I am an adult, I would be able to get a job, and I could take care of her. The evil situation my Mum was in, was akin to slavery: she was not allowed to leave the house, to learn English, to work, etc. Yes, this is the type of home I grew up in. Absolutely brutal and savage evil.
"Just pray to God, and we will be OK" she would reassure me.
She survived the beatings, we both did. We pushed through for years, just off of each other, but I couldn't help but feel so bad about my life, and that the other kids in school didn't have to live like this. In my young brain, I mean I was a baby, I kind of blamed my Mum in a certain sense - how could the most beautiful thing I love more than anything in this world, who loves and adores me, bring a man like this into my life? She would explain, she had no choice, her parents made her do it, and she loves her parents, and cannot divorce him or leave him, because if her parents found out, they would instantly drop dead on the spot. This caused me to reject Punjabi culture from an early age, reject traditional values, and basically internalise a huge amount of hatred for men like my Dad.
These autistic inept fucks, cannot find women, because they themselves were broken by their own childhood, and they get married off to women who have literally zero choice, and destroy them, their own children, and bring chaos and evil to everything they touch. Demons. I spit on them.
The reason I believe in self improvement so deeply, is that a man, can become a genuinely good man, who is able to truly love and support a woman, and then, be a fucking fantastic father, and make his children so happy. SELF IMPROVEMENT ALLOWS MEN TO BREAK THIS FUCKING CYCLE AND END IT!
You cannot get the first woman who gives you attention. You have to become actualised, get really good with women, raise to your highest version of yourself, and solve all the inner issues that the journey engenders, so you can truly fix yourself, find an amazing honey, and build a happy home together. This CAN be done.
Despite what he did to me, I am a good, law-abiding citizen.
A consummate professional, with ethics, scruples, and who deeply cares about other human beings.
I live a very healthy, positive lifestyle, I support other men in particular and wish to see them become positive, professional, successful men, who want to do the right thing, who treat women the right way, and who will become positive, loving fathers.
I have never used violence against another human being. Rather, I have used words, logic, reason, and walked away from conflicts are not productive.
I have treated women, with kindness, respect, love and decency.
I went to an elite University, despite coming from the ghetto, failings schools, being surrounded by horrible scum.
I found other, positive, successful men to mentor me and develop me, to be a good and proper man.
My saving graces, were my Mum, and the many, many, many, many men who I have found throughout my life, who accepted me as their brother, who walked with me, loved me, put their arm around me and sheltered me from evil. I have found these men, time and time again in my life, and they kept dragging me up from the abyss, and putting me onto better paths. They always had the same archetype: highly intelligent, ethical, strong values system, non-conformist, and wanted to see success. The first one, was my friend who got my out of the cloakroom when I was 4, my childhood best friend A, who was also a Punjabi kid but he was from a normal home. Then, my best friend when I went to secondary school, Ross, whose parents did divorce, and this radical thinker decided at 11 he would break the cycle by being lifetime teetotal and becoming "a mad scientist", which he actually did, and I am beyond proud of him - he is a senior analytical chemist and lives in a beautiful country home with his wife, the first girl he dated at 16, and has a beautiful baby boy. These men, shaped me a lot, and Ross deeply encouraged me to go to University and to succeed. He was driven at 11! We were two ghetto boys from the slums, but Ross, by the grace of God, was given a 140+ IQ, so he forced me to study, work hard, and be a better man. I learned a lot from him, on how to live. He never really knew I was from an abusive home, but he did know my Dad was weird, but I had a good Mum. I think the fact we both had Daddy issues, drew us together. A, the previous best friend, also had Daddy issues, though his Dad was not, at all, abusive, and his home life was normal and solid.
Honestly man, when Ross left my life, because he went to a different school at 16, my life spiralled, and I went from a top performer in school consistently getting As (in a failing school, this level of academic performance is uncanny, the kids in my school were fucking thugs and on drugs etc). My issues started coming to the fore then, but I then found powerlifting, and coped using that. But it was always there. Started drinking a lot. Worked hard, got good grades, got into an amazing Uni against all odds. And then, drank tonnes, did drugs, and still was hurting so bad inside. Left Uni, anxiety escalated further and further. And then, by 24/25, I was toast man. Done.
Housebound and fucked up for years.
...But my Mum, never stopped believing in me. EVER. She saw all of this unfolding, saw all my destruction, and still loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing that I would become a success one day. It was because of her, that internally, I simply cannot give up.
People have commented on my relentlessness and inability to give up. That, is because of my Mother. Women, are good. And they are indispensable. We need women, and we must fight for women. They are a force for good in this world.
I got back into work at 25, worked like a fuckin SAVAGE, got promotion after promotion, and then, at 29, I was finally ready to start the REAL journey.
I always knew this point would come in this journey.
I have achieved so much, and keep getting better and better. But I realised, I still have a weight on me. And it does not go. I have been battling it for months, but a few weeks ago, I stopped my suppression of it. And as I asked myself, what is this, I tried to work it out, but it became clearer, that something is just not right. And I had to put my finger on it. And I discovered what it actually is.
I discovered, that I have unresolved childhood trauma, and now, I am ready to deal with it, work through it, and heal myself, and become a better man.
There are demons in this world.
Here is how you kill them:
Forgive them
Become a positive, compassionate, professional human being, who adds value to the world
Heal yourself, heal your wounds, and become loving, kind, and genuinely nurture and support others
Start your own family, but with the correct family system/structure: Two loving, kind parents, who truly love each other, and are ride or die --> Raise happy, healthy children, who love themselves, love other humans, and love life --> Watch them become positive, kind, good souls in this world, and raise their own children, with love, kindness, and grace
BREAK THE GOD DAMN CYCLE AND LIVE THE REST OF YOUR DAYS A CHAMPION
WHO WAS GIVEN AN IMPOSSIBLE LIFE
WHO WAS RAISED IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL, A CHILD GOD PUT IN THE SEWER, AND SAID OK KID, GOOD LUCK, HOPE YOU MAKE IT OUT OF HERE
AND GEUSS WHAT
I WILL BE THE ONE
NOTHING WILL STOP ME
NOTHING
NEXT STEPS FOR MAC:
Firstly, I am not dating anymore.
I am done.
I have forgiven my Dad. I am living with my parents right now, and I am at total peace with this. My mum, remains an angel. My Dad, remains an aloof oddball. He speaks to me, daily, as if nothing ever happened. When I say speaks to me, I mean, he will wander past me, say something incredibly odd about a customer at work, or something like that, and wander off. That is how bizarre, socially inept, autistic and fucked up this man is. He should not have been able to have kids in the first place. The institution of arranged marriages, failed my family, and produced a fractured, abuse unit, which left decades-long negative consequences on everyone within in.
This is why I have rejected the idea of "going to India and finding someone" as has been suggested. That, does not fix the problem. And I am smart enough to know that. For all my failings, I still have a high IQ, and am one of the top 5 most intelligent people in this community of 3,000+ men. Sit with me, talk with me, see how my brain works, vs how your brain works and you'll see there are just levels in raw ability. I have played life on impossible mode, and still found ways to win, using the few abilities I was given, and turning them into the ultimate weapon to snatch my life from evil.
I am starting trauma therapy, with my friend Kristina, and I am going to prioritise healing myself, working on my business, and becoming a healthy, happy, positive man who can love a woman, truly, be a positive monogamous partner to a woman, and be a man who can raise happy, healthy children, and live within a supportive, nourishing family structure.
My first session is today.
I will now, work on my self, my business, and work on healing my inner being.
I will not be around men who are actively dating. I am not ready to be around that.
I have left my IronWill Inner Circle dating chat. And I will be leaving No Brains Crew.
In terms of next moves, I am not going to New York. I will send this entire post to Dante.
When I am ready, and I have dealt with my past, I will resume dating, and try to find a good partner. I will resume my mentorship under Dante, who will be the one who will get me there.
I will now, go somewhere low cost, cheap, and just work on healing myself, being with myself, and finding peace.
I will not live with anyone who is actively dating. I don't want to see it. I will return to it, when I am further along in my process.
If I have been ghosting, ignoring, or otherwise, just not on top of things; here's why. I have been pre-occupied with this, for so long, and suppressed it has been so tiring, man. It scatters my brain, leaves me at sorts, and just admitting to my little brother a few days ago that I need to speak to someone, has helped me a tonne. I know Thebastard sent a DM asking me why I just ghosted him. Well, amigo, here is why. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and if you were ever a real friend to me in the first place, you will understand I have been having this stuff rip through my brain every waking second, for months, and hence, figuring that out and being able to deal with that, was a priority. I know it's not hard to send a message, but you of all people, who is also a guy like me, with the same wounds, will understand if you are anywhere near your point in your process where you are ready to talk.....if you're not ready to talk, that's fine, I wasn't until now. My brother, still isn't ready to talk yet. That's how powerful trauma is, it will take over your entire reality, and force you to confront it, and deal with it. And if this means ghosting people you truly admire and respect, you will do it. You are probably mad at me, right now, but in time, you won't be, and I will personally apologise to you for not speaking to you. You'll then learn, I have done the same, to EVERYONE for months, because I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside of me. I love you with my entire heart and soul and you saved my life. You can be mad, but I will honour you until my dying breath for what you did for me. You are a true titan, a one in a billion man, and to this day, you one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met. You also, were traumatised, but you are still a loving, positive, and deeply good man. You have ethics, and do the right thing. Which you know, is also me. Don't forget, you trusted me wth thousands of dollars, and within 1 second, I paid it back, and you know how rock fucking solid as a man I am. Do you really think I just ghosted, or do you fucking realise I have been going through something? Again, you can be mad if you want, but in time, you will get it. Because homie, you too, have to go through this, and heal like I am going to have to now. We cannot escape our childhood. It comes back dude.
Me and my brother, had a long convo, we both cried, and we both finally were able to speak about our childhood and let it out. It helped, massively. The next day, he chatted a little more, but I can tell, he is skirting the issue and in supression. He is not ready too talk about it yet, just like I was not, and he won't be just yet. But he will be, when I get healed, he will follow his big bro.
I will heal.
Want to know why?
I have already done the following:
-Overcome extreme anxiety, agorophobia, social anxiety, obsessions, panic attacks, depersonalization and derealisation
-Overcome severe clinical depression
-Overcome brain fog, cognitive distortion, high brain inflammation
-Overcome spinal injuries which meant I could barely even walk for years
-Overcome obesity, lost 100lbs
-Overcome chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, deep insomnia not able to sleep properly for decades
-Overcome severe ADHD / obsessive thoughts making it damn near impossible to think straight for even 1 second
-Beat my severe approach anxiety, approached thousands of women
-Went from 0 dates at 30 to now 200+. Slept with lots of girls. And found ways to connect with women and appreciate them again.
This was never anything about women. It was me, hurting at my Mum for marrying my Dad, and 5 year old Ravi learning that when you love a woman, they will hurt you, by making choices that will bring a world of hurt into your life.
I suppressed my anger and hate for my Dad, for 32 years. I have never, ever, called my Dad "Dad" out loud. From the time I was about 5, I began hating my Dad, and have never loved him. He also, has never loved me, and literally never cared about me, once in my life. He did nothing for me, and just left me to fend for myself, whilst giving absolutely no fucks about me at all.
I took a guy as fucked up as that, and made him into a top performer, a structured, productive business owner. I live a life, of excellence, health, function, and clarity.
My future, is bright.
But now, I have grown so much, gained so much strength, I am ready to deal with my past, find peace with it, and properly and truly heal myself.
As you can imagine, this guy really did damage to me, and gave me a laundry list of problems to work through, and solve, by my f**king self.
And yet, every puzzle life has put in front of me, I have solved. Every obstacle the world has put in front of me, through sheer heart alone, has been completely destroyed.
The trauma, lives in my head. It is there, and it makes me heavy, feel pain, and robs me of enjoyment of life. You do not know even 1% about my life. It is so insane, it could fill 5 books.
Literally. I mean this seriously. If you read about the lives of people like David Goggins, and you think, holy shit that happens in this world? There are people like that? There are kids who grow up in that?
Many of you have seen my posts, and wonder why I am such a mad man, and so driven.
I know my WHY.
TO PROVE THAT DARKNESS AND HATE
CANNOT DEFEAT LIGHT AND LOVE. EVER!
Nothing will stop me in my mission. Nothing.
I will heal.
Your friend,
-Ravi
