Today's flow, was good.
Morning was brutal, was having hours and hours of PTSD trauma responses.
I did the work on them, and they began to simmer down.
Felt calmer, and more balanced.
Did hours of coaching. Which was fun as hell.
Went on a useful call on a biz group I am a member of.
Did journalling for about 90m.
Processed a tonne! Feel a lot better right now. Today, was brutal in the morning and the first half of the day. Did a few hours integration work. Day then improved, and I got into flow, and felt alright.
I then journalled, a lot, and now, feel pretty decent.
I would say, today was a successful day of healing. I will bring the same commitment and intention, to tomorrow's healing, and I will keep flowing and healing. There is no timeline for this, when I no longer feel heavy and feel the pains I've had for so long, I will think about the next chapter of my life.
SOME OF TODAY'S JOURNALLING - FORGIVING MY DAD:
Reflecting further on my Dad.
The times he was physicaly violent with me and my Mum, were about 2 'serious incidents' in total. He then, actually never touched her again. The rest of his ssues with me, were quite run of the mill hard handedness, slaps, hits, but within the normal range of absolutely shit parent physical violence.
He was mostly just a nightmare to be around. I mean, he is an inept, distant, vacant, emotionally unavaible, autistic weirdo. He is not normal, yes, and I actually struggle to understand if he is aware of his poor some of his behaviour was. I say was, because he has been fine for the past 3-4 years. I wonder if there is some strange disorder he has....he is definitely somewhere they pick weird ass people on the spectrum. And to pour some petrol on that fire, adding to that delightful brain chemistry, my grandparents, also, had a relationship that was......weird. Demon of a grandmother (genuinely evil, and she hated my Mum, and was insanely abusive to her, which also broke my little heart) and my Dad had a rough childhood also, coupled with the fact that he was traumatised to the bone himself when his Dad died (he took it really badly, and he was “not right” for a year and a half, as in, he was working reduced hours and stuff). So I gotta be honest, my Dard hardly had it easy. He has huge levels of racism to deal with, and he understandably as a weird autistic fuck, was a shit parent.
Just considering the absolute fuckin joke and a mess of a family structure I grew up in, my entire life makes sense, lmao.
I do have to then, put my wounds and obvious deep inner pain, in context. The dude only beat me ass badly, twice. Other than that, he was just poor at handling his rage issues, did lash out from time to time, but they were not that bad at all. The actual problem is, when he did a bad beating on me when I was 4, that was such extreme behaviour towards a small child, that the level of psychological wounding inflicted and the shattering of how all of reality worked for a 4 year old, was like a world splintering act. He really did a number on me that day, and I was never the same after that. Bummer, man.
As bad as that was........I gotta say, the dude was a prick, but he did a tonne of good also, worked super hard, did achieve a certain level of financial success which is quite admirable, and also, did take good care of my Mum. He paid for everything, though he was not exactly glad to.
I totally forgive him, and as those who know me are aware, I actually like both of my parents, get on with them both, obv I am close with my Mum, I am not close at all with my Dad, given we only started talking a few years ago, and this weird autistic fuck does not have normal conversations anyway….So, when I say we're talking, theres still not exactly anything meaninful exchanged, and they are not, you know, conversations.....
It's just really, really hard to be mad at him. A guy who has his non-normal brain, who had a rough childhood himself, and who also had huge levels of trauma himself when his Dad died early (I was about 5 at the time, maybe 6), I can see why he was a shit parent. I don’t know how he could have been a good one, given how weird a man he is. Me and my bro talked about it, and we both agreed, we reall can’t hate or dislike him. He is an actual retard (I am genuinely being serious) and just knows how to work very hard, long hours, save all his cash, and not spend much. That is literally him in a nutshell.
I am able to forgive people, quite well, I will say that. But this one feels genuine.
I actually like the dude. He always worked, paid for everything for my Mum, helped my brother out financally with diff things, helped me here and there I won’t lie (but not much! He is a tight as fuck bastard).
The problem I have with him, is that he was really shit at being a parent, had severe anger issues, like, really bad, and he was fully under a strong trauma response for a long time, which is why I think he was so spaced out and in another world for so long. I now recognise, he was infact deep in trauma, and was stuck in the cycle of the same thoughts, same speech, and same patterns, for decades. I can now see, how he just muttured to himself all day, he was unconciously processing his trauma. Sometimes, he’d get super drunk and just cry about his Dad for hours and hours. He did that shit, for a long time – 15 years. Crazy. I I think his trauma finally, at the age of 57, started to fade. Because he began acting differently at that ime and began to speak to me......My take on the dude, is that he was an oddball, who lashed out a few times, and then got fucking destroyed by the early death of his father, who was an amazing man (my grandad was a local legend in my city) and yeah I geuss when Grandad died my Dad just disintegrated and became a fuckin nutcase. Dissociated entirely.
I think my Dad, was brutally traumatised himself, very early on, and I also recognise, I don’t mean to be disablist when I say this, but he genuinely has a non-normal brain and is a truly, truly peculiar man. I do not blame a spaz of his ilk, with behaving poorly, having persistent anger issues for decades, and also, for being a miserable and vile fuck for so long, as he was clearly a mess. With autism, there is less self awareness, and these guys are not able to fix themselves. I have self awareness, so can look into my various psychological problems, and fix them. This is why I could understand how to fix my social skills, vibe, stop being a nice guy, etc. I could conceptually grasp it and integrate into my behavious, because I have good social and emotional intelligence. My Dad, has none of those things, so it just isn't the same deal. The thing I have to say, I am truly let down by him by, is that the times he used serious levels of violence and also had fits of rage, which were really extreme, were far, far, far too traumatic for such a young boy, and I can see, now as a 32 year old man, that he was infact my age, and this makes his actions entirely inexcusable. I have small cousins, who are 5 or 6. and I am unable to fathom, searching the deepest parts of my being, how a grown man, of 32 years of age, could use his fists on a helpless and innocent child. That truly does break my heart, and my young heart was broken then, like it is now. This was truly shameful, and it did scar me very deeply.
I forgive him, entirely, and I do speak to him daily. Given his own strange life, his lack of normal calibration, and the tough circumstances he was in, I do not blame him for these incidents. He fucked up. Big time. And I can let that go now.
I will also say, he did a lot of good, too. Was infact a good care giver to my Mum, supported her through tonnes, though he is emotionally inept and clueless. For a Mr. Bean like weirdo, he did his best. Furthermore, he did earn good money throughout his life, typically worked 80-100hrs a week, was never home (good, because he was a prick) and part of why his brain was so fuckin destroyed is that he had severe workaholism and HAD to be working, hence, not much sleep,
I do not blame this guy, whatsoever. But the bad times, were very bad. The home, was a broken home. I never felt loved and treated properly, and though my Mum was great and loved me a lot, Dad sucked – mitigating factor is, he was barely home anyway as he was working, so we didn’t have to suffer the miserable weird bastard much. The environment, was one where there was real love (Mum), but we existed in a pressure cooker (Dad) and I was always stressed, on edge, and not a happy child. As such, it was just too rough and made my childhood hard. I developed mental health issues early on, had anxiety by like 4/5! And yet, I can see, though he was only physical a small handful of times, it was knowing that he can go there, and also, the constantly awful state of hyper-alertness I had to be on because he was there. That was a environment that was not safe, I certainly didn’t feel it, and I can see why I developed the way I did.
The learning for me, is that my calm, gentle presence, good energy and vibe, and positive behaviours, ways of being, and mental models for the world, are pretty good for child rearing and developing the psychological foundation of children. The chapters that follow this journey, I have not written yet. I can still dream. And at this time, I am ready to let go and trust my healing process to lead me to my highest potential in this world.
Overall, I am at peace with the past. And I am also aware that many things were also good in my life. There was bad, there was a lot of good also. Frankly, considering everything, right now, I think I am able to process this and say, alright, fine, quite well!
The thing that, I guess, is where I will need to do more work now, is on my fractured sense of self. Because honestly man, I just don’t feel huge levels of anger at my Dad. Why? Said with all due respect and not to be disablist, the fella has a screw loose, is not the full shilling, and he is a profoundly peculiar and odd character. I have spent a bit of time the past few day just walking back the guy and looking at him, and he is just as mad as a box of spiders and looking at him, all I can really draw upon is how much of a ridiculous human being this person is. He is an old man now. What is the fucking point of being mad at him. I don't care. Fuck it. It's in the past, let it be.
Searching my body and mind, right now, I don’t really fuckin care. That's good. It may come back....let's see.....
The issue, I see it, is the damage that he did on me, by launching me into pain-world, and then living in that shit for so long. That, I have to fix. Because it did a lot of bad stuff to this head.
Self image. Self worth. Core stories and beliefs about myself as being lesser than, not worthy of good things, being insignificant, and the beliefs that I don’t matter, and so on, can now be processed and worked on.
I have to work through my mind, process it all, see what is actually going on in there, challenge it, reframe it, and make the emotional and internal shifts necessary to allow these things to be accepted and broken down, lessened, and to reduce their weight upon me.
I will be OK. I am ready to heal, release my tension and pain, process my trauma more, and do the work on nurturing myself and seeing myself the right way!
