Day 152: Sat
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Accepted invite to private, classy BDSM party
The couple that approached OF girl and I at the last Shrine munch messaged me inviting me to their party next Saturday. They have a private house they turned into an upscale dungeon with 15 person hot tub outside and bar. It’s cocktail and formal wear event (except for swimwear for the hot tub), no sex, just play. Though they advertised it on Fet, but you had to receive an invite from them.
As I was allowed to bring a +1 I figured this would be a great chance to take OF Girl, just the two of us, instead of the whole social group. Shrine is decent, but classy is more my vibe anyways.
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Day 153: Sun
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Sunday Self Care Day
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Day 154: Mon
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Not arguing with reality
I’ve tried 3 times now to buy a van to build out for van life. Each time I’ve been turned down because the seller does not want to do a wire transfer of the money, they just want cash. My bank does not have a branch here so I cannot pull out large sums of cash or get a cashier’s check from another bank. So wire transfer was the only way to go.
But what is the reality? Private sellers only trust cash. So what do I need to do? Get cash. So I found a partner bank that has an ATM that does not charge fees for withdrawing. I can only pull out $500 each day. So for the next couple weeks I have to walk to this ATM every single day and pull out $500 at a time. Stupid. But if I want to reach my goal, this is what it requires. Don’t bitch about it, just do it.
- Turing energy into productivity
Basically took the energy of frustration of girls and libido of last week and poured it into work. Combine that with using ChatGPT, and I did 3x the work I did than the previous days last week. Felt fantastic and even level of positive emotion during the day.
We had a smaller turn out since I broke the cycle by taking a week off. Had another girl slide into my DM’s beforehand. Not the quality of girl I want, so did the hot girl turn down of “I’m not looking for partners right now”. She didn’t end up showing anyways. Definitely need to learn how to turn down girls I don’t want with finesse.
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Day 155: Tues
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Call with Jmand
I think it’s worth noting that these calls are something we did weekly together last year. It was of tremendous benefit to me going through the divorce and jumping back into dating. Eventually he got quite busy so I told him while I deeply enjoy the calls, I don’t want to be a burden (even though he said I wasn’t and the calls are just as meaningful to him) and that we could go to biweekly instead. However after we had to cancel/reschedule the call a few times in the last couple months I realized just how much I needed them.
That in fact, I needed another person. So a few weeks ago I asked him if we could return to weekly calls and expressed that I needed them. It felt weird to say that because its not a need for survival, but a it keeps me grounded, effective, and most of all feeling connected to another person which is especially important when I don’t have a wife around. I consider him a brother and best friend. Highly encourage you all to find ones for yourself.
Men sharpen other men.
On our call he gave me a unique perspective from being in an open relationship, about my situation with OF Girl. For context, I had texted her mid-week last week as recorded in my previous post. Then I texted her on Saturday as I was going to invite her out as my date to a private, classy BDSM party I was invited to. However she ghosted and never responded, a second time of this occurrence in the last few weeks, despite previously being very engaged and showing a lot of interest.
Jmand asked if she had talked with her partner about me, of which I had no idea, and basically saying that she’s probably really interested but the threshold for her to take action on that is really high because she’s satisfied in her relationship and obviously gets a ton of attention from doing OF. He was stating this from the perspective that he doesn’t necessarily take action on other interests because he’s satisfied most the time in his relationship, despite him having the option to with it being open. In our last interactions I also escalated the situation by kissing her. So she may feel the pressure that in the following interactions I’d be escalating further, which she’d be right in thinking so. Add on top the shitty logistics, he said I was doing hard mode with her.
For additional context, I’ve invited her out a handful of times to other outings of which she’s legitimately been busy. I was already deciding to let things cool and withdraw my attention. She’ll come back for it later in the month as Shrine starts to come around again. But with the dates I’m going on, there’s a chance I’d be taking another date anyways which would be the third time she’s seen me there with another girl. I’d probably would have gave up and moved on already, but I legitimately like hanging out with her and her personality, and she’s obviously the cream of the crop in the BDSM community here. So I just continue the dance, escalating when I can. In the meantime I focus my attention on myself and the other girls.
But it was good to hear this perspective because I can immediately go to trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong on my side and sometimes forgetting about what it’s like in her shoes.
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Day 156: Wed
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Girl flaking on rescheduling
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NBD. If she wants to try again the future, cool. If not, cool, too. We’d already tried scheduling for a couple weeks now. Didn’t expect it to roll through.
- Declining invite to BDSM party
I boosted on Tinder and got two viable leads and scheduled them for Friday and Sunday. Going to the party would be more fun with a date, and as I don’t have a girl to bring to this one, I’m less interested in going. Also if I’m seeing girls on Thurs, Fri, Sun, I’d like to get some quality sleep in there. So I went ahead and declined the invite, already knowing I’d be invited to the next.
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Day 157: Thurs
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Date Rescheduling…
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Normally I roll these off pretty well, but this one got to me because I was really looking forward to it. She’s a combo of the professional and nice girl archetype who also happens to be kinky. Very gorgeous looking girl and works as a corporate/ private airline attendant. Her texting was intelligent, respectful, and flirty. Just the type of girl I’m looking for. Lady in the streets, slut in the sheets. AND after seeing the incongruence of my sexual vibe in the last few dates, my self-talk in the morning was telling myself I’m going there to fuck this girl, to be sexual, not to be friends, not just for a nice chat/ enjoy the date, yada yada. That can all come later. Soooo I’d sunk a lot of mental energy into something I was excited for…
Then I got a text she had got called into work for a flight to LA and asked if we could reschedule.
Yes, but… dammit are you serious right now, life? Can you throw a dog a bone here?
I was not mad at her. I was not mad at me. I was just annoyed at this streak I’m having right now.
Spent the evening looking at some suits/ professional threads to be purchased to fill out that side of my wardrobe and get some pictures with. I’d already scheduled dates from Tinder for Friday and Sunday, so I had zero desire to be on the apps for the evening.
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Day 158: Fri
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- Facing childhood trauma
Last night I had 3 dreams, one being a nightmare. I rarely if ever have nightmares, so when they do occur its worth paying attention to.
The nightmare was of my mother taking a circular saw to my dog’s leg, blood spewing everywhere as my dog kept licking the person holding her down as if to remind the person that she loved them and asking to stop the suffering. My heart rate rose so much that I was pulled out of my sleep.
After calming down and returning to sleep I had a dream about the first girl I fell in love with in middle/high school and was semi friendzoned by. I don’t recall much of that dream, but being really honest, she’s been a regular projection in my dreams for years embodying basically anything I attribute to the feminine in my subconscious. Jung calls this the animus.
Anyways, in my third dream she showed up again. We were in this big college/entertainment venue. I was coming back from a class where I was learning to sing and meeting her in her room. She was there with a friend of hers and my best friend from childhood laying on a bed. I talked with her briefly and kissed her knee before returning to the venue. Later it was dark and we bumped into each other. The lights turned on and my best friend was taking her on a date. She was dressed in some really fancy black sparkly dress and him in a tux. I just kept asking what they were doing even though it was obvious, and my friend was just smirking and tugging her arm to walk up the steps even though I could visibly see she felt so much guilt about it. I was angry and started this mad dash through a ton of rooms with all these people and movies playing. I finally made it towards the center and seen them both at the bar having a wonderful time, but my friends face had changed.
It was me.
We can sit here and analyze those all day, but I’ve already done that much myself. Really writing this here for posterity because it’s an important marker in development.
After waking, I was still shook a bit from the dreams. I did not feel good at all. I rolled into my morning routine. When I’d got to doing my yoga flow, my mind was still mulling things over, even after having done breathwork and meditation. I’d hit on something pretty core and realized how it had played out in my life.
I realized I had a need to be loved. I had a need to be told I was loved, more importantly, shown I was loved. Probably being told/shown more often than a healthy, secure individual. Especially when I’m pouring energy into that person showing them I love them.
That the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life has been that of loving another person and not knowing if they love me. And as a child I had no idea how to deal with that pain. I felt trapped and weak for having such a need. So I tried many strategies to deal with it including achieving to get love, giving them more and more love, closing off and soldiering on in spite of not feeling loved, ect.
I reflected on how with my father I loved him a lot, but despite him occasionally saying the words, his actions of not being there in my life said differently. How painful it feels to love a parent and not know if they love you back.
I reflected on how I poured so much energy as a naive young teenager, who did not have a father there to pass down values of a man, into this one girl and have it be hot and cold for years, never knowing if the feelings were actually mutual. How painful it felt to love a woman and not know if they love you back.
I reflected on the last years of my marriage and the feeling of lying next to another person and feeling like there are 1,000,000 miles between you two. How painful it felt to once be deeply in love with someone and not know if they still feel that way now.
As I thought about the marriage I seen where I had not been man enough to let her know I needed her to show me she loved me. In that moment I felt
so weak and all I wanted to do was apologize for having been so weak to not clearly articulate my needs.
And then halfway through my yoga flow, I cracked and fucking cried on my damn yoga mat. I tried to stop but I just couldn’t. My body shook, my breathing hyperventilated, and the tears just rolled out as I laid there. My sweet dog (the one who was dismembered in my dream) came and laid on my chest as I cried. After several minutes, I finally gained my composure and finished my yoga.
I continued thinking afterwards, but with much more clarity. I cried a bit during breakfast. I cried a bit on the bus to the gym. And luckily the workout helped even my mood a bit. Thanks brain neurochemistry.
I’m not going to dump all of what I thought through and further revelations. Frankly, I’m still working through them. So that’s not helpful for you the reader.
Instead, after having those I want to do a few actions:
- Call my father. I’d like to let him know I’m sorry for being a poor son right now. He texts me quite a bit and I know would like to interact with me more. Basically he is showing me love, and I’m not reciprocating much. I’m perpetuating the suffering, only flipping the tables. I’d like to let him know it hurt as a kid, I didn’t know what to do, and at one time I was angry he did not show me what it meant to be a man. I’d like to let him know I’m not angry anymore and that I’ve largely learned to become my own man, with my own values. That I don’t need that now and it’s hard to have a relationship with someone who feels like a stranger; HOWEVER, I would be interested in getting to know the man he is, to finally hear what those values are, and find out the ways we are similar. I’d be willing to have a phone call, once a month. That’s not a lot, but it’s all I have to give. And it’s more than we’re doing now.
- Call my ex wife. I’d like her to know I got divorced not because I didn’t love her, but because I did. But I just couldn’t take the pain and suffering anymore, that feeling I did not know how to handle, if knowing that my love is reciprocated. I want to apologize for my shortcomings as a man who did not know how to properly recognize and express that need and instead asked for it indirectly. I’d like her to know that it’s ok to move on, that I love her but do not want to be married to her. In fact I never want to be married again to anybody, and honestly, I don’t think I ever wanted that. I’d actually be open to her as a partner in some capacity, but she’d have to be open to a non-monogamous dynamic and not living together. Pretty sure she does not want that and that is totally ok. I want her to know that I’d love to see her go on, get remarried, and have a standard life. For her to be happy, because that’s all I ever wanted, for the both of us. From what I can tell, she’s not dated at all the whole year we have been apart. I don’t want her to suffer the feeling of waiting for some fairytale reuniting, of loving someone and not knowing if they love you back.
- Smaller action, but talk with OF Girl the next time I see her. Not in an adversarial confrontation, but as Andy describes in being on the same team. Basically saying “it seems like we’re both into each other, I’d like to take things further, but you seem hesitant. What’s up?” I can keep doing the hot and cold dance, but I’m probably too insecure for that and it takes too much of my emotional energy. That’s the truth. I will and am working on being more secure, but trauma runs deep, it takes time. I’m 29 now. Took me this long to be ok with the fact I need love. A fundamental, base human need shared by every single person, ever. Crikey.
The repeated date cancellations/ reschedules in such a short time frame triggered a feeling of being unloved/ unlovable as my dad did that to me for years. Not that I truly believe life was trying to teach me something with the last couple weeks, but maybe I was trying to teach myself something. I don’t know. This is what I took away from it.
I know we all have our own paths with this shit. Sometimes you read other guy’s logs and think “man, it would be awesome to just slay like them without dealing with all this baggage. It seems like they have none. Why can’t I just do this without it all?” You forget they have their own, they may or may not share it, and really it does not matter.
This is yours. If you want to keep growing then you deal with it. You cry on the ground like a scared little boy, then you get back up like a man and face your own shit. All while having a little love and compassion for yourself along the way.
The spirit of this 365 is self-affirmation. That means affirming that your Self, does in fact have needs. It’s your job to assert your Self, express those needs, set boundaries for them, and take care of yourself when they are not met.
I’ll start with my father tomorrow.
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Date no call/ no showed…
I did a little work, but spent most of the afternoon tidying up and cleaning my place to just let my mind rest. I was feeling pretty even keel, slightly positive. Pretty compassionate self-talk on the way to the coffee bar.
Had set this up yesterday. Didn’t send the confirmation text in the morning (rookie move) because it was the next day. But she did seem like the flakey type so I should have. Showed up at 6, chilled, and after she didn’t show for 10 mins, sent her a text telling her what I was wearing for when she showed. Waited another 5 minutes for a text or something. Nothing. So I dipped. Probably for the best, as I was pretty drained.
This is basically what I have been doing with every girl. Pretty standard truth/screening and logistics. The second message is new, otherwise all is the same as before. Yet I’m getting my ass handed to me here.
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Day 159: Sat
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- Called my father
Had an hour conversation with him. I was nervous, mainly that I would stubble my words and not say everything. But I literally took my post from yesterday and made bullet points on my computer so I made sure to hit the highlights and the spirit of the message was conveyed. I asserted myself in the conversation early on, said what I needed to say, and we really bonded over the moment. I apologized only for my shortcomings as a man, not for my shortcomings as a child. He completely understood, held a lot of grief, but held a lot of respect for me in knowing I largely created myself into my own man (with the help of dozens of people of course) without a father figure around. We agreed to a call once a month, and for me to text every so often just a little update of “this is going on in my life” because I said I could do that.
Was the most I have EVER been my own advocate in a conversation with him without being sheepish about it. Not in an angry, attacking him way. In a “want both of us to grow from this conversation”.
Felt pretty good. Hard. But some of the most important things in life usually are.
I’ll make the call to my ex-wife next week. One thing at a time here.
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Date cancelled
Hello, foot. Meet face. Face, meet foot. Good.
Glad you’re friends now.
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This was the good looking airline attendant from last week, who rescheduled on Thursday, and now is canceling today. Just got swiped by another Chad. Have fun, buddy.
B, this is all part of the game. It’s what you signed up for.
I know, but seriously, give me an assist here.
Date tomorrow…
