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Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action: Days 278-283

Day 103

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Celebrated my birthday

Yesterday was my birthday so I took it easy, watched some learning videos, read some, and took myself out to dinner. Since today is Shrine, it was nice to take my self care day yesterday. I could have planned having one of my girls with me, but it was honestly nice to just spend time with myself. However it was sweet to get texts from them. Off to Shrine this evening with Psychedelic Girl.
 
Nice, happy belated birthday, keep killing it
 
Day 104

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Night at the BDSM club

Went to Shrine last night with Psychedelic Girl. She was showing up at the end of my shift to meet me at the door. But before she got there OF Girl and her friend showed to also meet me at the door because they knew when shift was ending. I went with them inside while I waited for Psychedelic Girl to show. We chatted, hugged, and then I told her I had to go back out for my date. Psychedelic Girl showed and I started giving her a tour of the club. During the tour we ran into OF Girl, so I introduced them and like clockwork they exchanged the female pleasantries. Its OF Girl's birthday at the end of the month so she was deckout in a birthday outfit with a crown that said birthday girl, and teased her that she had actually got dressed up for my birthday except she fucked up the crown. Continued the tour and chatted with people along the way. Funny enough, we also ran into one of her partners from the Tantra community and I met him.

We ended up stopping at the electrical play table, chatting with each other, and making out some. Eventually I did end up persuading her to get on. She went topless on the table and a couple of the guys from my munch were telling me how good she looked. Now my plan was to hang out with Psychedelic Girl for awhile and then we'd part and I'd go find OF Girl and make a move leveraging our birthdays, giving her birthday spankings and getting a "birthday kiss" from her. But OF Girl and her friend came and found me and told me they had to leave early, which OF Girl was visibly bummed by. She asked what I was doing at the end of April because their friend group is doing a river tubing trip and she wanted me to come. Told her I was down. After they left I returned my attention back to Psychedelic Girl.

After Psychedelic Girl was finished on the electrical table, I took her over to the couch in the middle of the club and grabbed us some water and ice from behind the bar. I took her dress top down and ran ice cubes over her back to soothe it from the electrical play. I then sat on the couch with her and enjoyed the performance in the middle. We enjoyed some very sensual touching and making out on the couch in between chatting which was just really nice and relaxing. Being that OF Girl was now gone, I was getting tired and ready to go home.

Now it's not like I have not tried getting OF Girl out separate from these events to make a move. Unfortunately she lives 40 mins outside the city and does not have a car. Also it may sound cool shes top 1% of OnlyFans, but to do that actually takes a ton of work and just like any other content creator, she spends A LOT of time in post production, marketing, ect. So she's working a lot. I've been keeping her warm over text, usually after she texts ME. Krauser long game stuff. We've been very flirty and coy sometimes, and then very direct about our interest other times. She even texted me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday because she said she wanted to earn some brownie points.

So on my lyft ride home I texted her. She was very bummed she had to leave early. We agreed to meet somewhere halfway between us soon. Logistics are crap, but work with what you got. After she's hooked, it'll still be a pain to get her over, but she'll be more incentivized to make the trip. I also don't mind making it occasionally to her place.

Overall a pleasant evening.

-----

Thank you for the birthday wishes
Crimson
Red
natedawg
Crisis_Overcomer
Manly Cockfellow
 
If I were you I'd just get a hotel/AirBnB or fuck OF Girl at her place.

If I can help it I make girls come to me but sometimes you break that rule for girls that show a lot of promise even if you haven't fucked yet. From the sound of it she'll make a good plate. So a small time/money investment to lock her in probably will pay pussy dividends.

You'll find that after fucking her, suddenly she'll find time to come to yours. How convenient right?

Happy bithday btw!
 
Day 105

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Ran my munch
  • Controlling digital habits

I decided to change when I'm replying to people in texts, apps, and posting on places like KYIL. I'd been doing in the morning after part of my morning routine, but I wanted to stop doing that because I think its a detriment to my focus. On the flip side, I'd also been posting these daily posts for my 365 at night to recap actions for the day. But I think this was also detriment to getting ready for bed. So I'm limiting my usage. I'm also posting yesterday's recap, Day 105, mid-day today because I'm done with my main work and transitioning to other things. So it was a good time to set aside for activities like this.

------------

Holden said:
If I were you I'd just get a hotel/AirBnB or fuck OF Girl at her place.
Click to expand...

Found out the metro train station is just blocks away from her house. So new plans for me to go up there.
 
Day 106

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Men's Group
  • Started yoga in the morning

To replace the unproductive time I had in the morning between part of my morning routine and eating breakfast, I started doing yoga that focuses on opening my hips, loosening my back, and strengthening my core. AKA all the stuff important for sex. It has made me feel fantastic in the morning! It also helped me squat 405 for 3 reps with better depth and control, when usually I'm only doing that for 1. I also started doing the knees over toes program on my off days to loosen and strengthen my ankles, calves, and knees. Excited to see how this all optimizes my lower body beyond what it already is.
 
Day 107

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon

----

Had a date this evening, no pull. It's actually been a minute since I've been on one, so was a little rusty. Honestly I think my vibe was a little off. I wasn't nervous or unconfident, but I didn't feel as relaxed as usual. Nonetheless, the date was decent.

Was a match on Feel'd and a hot professional who works for a nonprofit. Solid 7.5 in my books. Already knew upfront she's only looking for a FWB. She wore a very cute dress that I complimented her on after hugging her. Took her inside to grab a drink and we chatted. Very good conversationalist. She let me know she was grabbing a coffee because she had a report to finish after the date...

Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. If I create enough attraction it's not going to matter because that dress and lipstick are telling me a different story. Still try anyways, B.

Went back outside and sat pretty close to her. She commented how much she loved my tattoos. We chatted about some living in different areas, traveling, culture, ect. It felt really good to have a conversation with someone with good social skills since I've been hanging around so many kinky people lately. Kinky people are great, their social skills... not so much.

Anyways, my ability to weave teases and compliments, push and pull, even surprised me tonight. This is a direct result of doing social stuff because I've consistently been being witty and playfully roasting people the last month. I was surprised at the ease of doing so when before it might have taken a little work.

We started to have a lull in conversation. I'll say one of my rusty points was being comfortable in the lull in just holding eye contact. Normally not a problem. But I did transition to talking about BDSM, when normally I would have been a little smoother at moving the conversation there. NBD, but something I noticed. Typical "what made you curious" type questions. Asked what she was most interested in, which for her was really the power dynamics.

"I just really enjoy being submissive..." with the coy head tuck into shoulder.

"I can tell. You're very feminine and submissive."

"Aww, thank you."

We chatted a little more and I went for the pull. But also I was a little rusty here. The tone was unconfident and wording was definitely off.

"I know you have you're report later, but my place is close if you want to head back?"

Why the hell did you just remind her of the report? Now you just made it a problem when it didn't need to be. And why are you asking. Just tell her. Lets head back to my place.

"I do have to finish that report. And I don't want to do anything on the first meeting... I, I don't know why. Just some mental block or something."

Yeah, I know. I just put one there...

"That's fine" said with an unphased face.

"But it was really nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you" Yup, blew that one. Oh well.

She then checked her phone for the time.

"Oh! I still have time, I don't need to leave yet."

Okayyy... So you're still interested and trying to help me win here. I guess I still stay in this one.

I pulled back the escalation of the conversation a bit. Had her laughing a lot and still teased her quite a bit. I did have a couple opportunities to escalate some touch, but still nervous to do so. Really need to get over that. For example when she mentioned getting into rowing out on the lake, but was bad at it because of her "noodle" arms. Could have easily ran my hands on them if I wanted.

At this point I did not try for a 2nd pull. I'd not built the tension for that. So she'd finished her coffee and we'd reached a natural end to the conversation. We bussed our cups and I walked her out to her car. I've done both going for a kiss and not, I don't if it makes a difference for getting a second date. But I didnt here.

We hugged and I got another "Was really nice meeting you..."

Seriously, that sentence is confusing. You sound like you're not interested. But you're behavior said otherwise.

I know I showed up a little off my game today. And she probably does have a report to get to, so being off my game meant I didn't build enough attraction to overcome that. Really no biggie. I'll shoot her a text in the next couple days to setup a 2nd date, but it feels like an even 50/50 shot there.
 
Hey man, I'm late af but I wish you happy 29 years!

We all get a bit clumsy sometimes during dates. Definitely hit her up we never know.
 
Day 108

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
 
Day 109

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Gave myself grace and let my body heal

So I twisted my ankle bad yesterday walking the dog to point I fell on the sidewalk. Luckily everything I've been doing for ankles lately is also good physical therapy. So worked on it yesterday and today. However, today I was supposed to deadlift. Instead I hit my hamstrings, lower back, and glutes with machines instead of loading weight on my ankle. Doing the yoga in the morning got blood flowing into it and the gym workout still sent an anabolic signal to the area, so its feeling about 60-70%. May be able to still do front squats on Sunday but we will see. Should be healed by my back squat day on Wednesday though.
 
Day 110

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Got a group together to play volleyball

My ankle was feeling 95% yesterday and the sun was beaming, so I got some friends from the munch together to play volleyball. This was seriously the most fun I'd had in a long time. Not thinking about goals or trying to advance anything, just pure fun in the moment. I've not actively cultivated a consistent friends group since college. A lot of people bitch that its hard to make friends as an adult, but I've found it easier if I'm the one pulling the trigger and bringing everyone together. No ones going to do it for you.

I think what made it significantly easier for me to have fun yesterday was I put my desires first, organized the environment to make it happen, and just invited others along for the ride. Going out for drinks, food, or just hanging out at a pub is not that fun to me. So instead I chose to go and play a sport that I'm pretty good at, outside in the sun, moving my body. Things I enjoy. I chose a place that was close to my house, an easy 15 minute walk. I chose a time that worked for me. After I had my fill of play and people, I told them I was leaving. Then after I'd taken care of everything I needed, I invited them into my world. As a result, I had a great time.

I think this is what it means to be a high value man. You are leading your own life, in accordance with your needs, desires, and goals, and just inviting others into that world. You check in with those joining your adventures to see how you can help serve them, but only after you've tended to yourself first. I've intellectually understood this. Yesterday just really felt like I experienced it, even in something as simple as playing some volleyball.
 
Day 111

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Sunday self-care day
 
Day 112

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Ran my munch

Something I do unique with my munch, that no other munch here does, is hold 3 munches of the month at our regular location, then do 1 that in a special location. Why? Because I get bored of doing the same thing all the time with the same people. By switching it up, new people come and its creating new experiences. For those building social circles, a hack is to spend time in multiple locations or different experiences. You create more memory locations with those people. Same concept of why PUAs tell you to take a date to different locations on one date.

I've been picking places and activities that I enjoy doing and as a result I can stand out in those areas. Last month I did the special one at an arcade bar that has over 200 arcade machines. We had a blast. I don't play video games much anymore, but I played a shit ton as a kid. You better believe I kicked their ass that night.

Yesterday I held it at the library and people brought their favorite kinky books. There was one girl who showed before everyone else so we had a good 10 minute conversation. She asked about what I read other than the stack of books I had brought. I told her the various topics I read, which are all pretty much heady or academic, non-fiction these days. This also led to me talking about learning in general, and then my startup. She was impressed. She's about a 5.5-6. Not something I'd actively pursue, but if she made it easy I'd probably hit it. After the munch I told everyone about the fetish party next month. This morning I got a message from the girl wanting to buy a ticket.

In the spirit of the 365, the point here is that I'm doing things I want to do. I'm putting my desires first, and inviting the others along.
 
Day 113

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
 
Day 114

Actions taken:

  • Affirmations
  • 2nd meditation in the afternoon
  • Inner work

Dating has been a little slow as of late, mostly because I have not put attention towards it. I've been cranking my brain on some things in my startup and have a better path for the next few months which I think should help multiply my work. I've also been moving things forward with the fetish event and just making sure all ducks are in a row with that as I roll into April.

Currently Psychedelic Girl & Spiritual Girl are busy with their own things, so did not have anything planned with them. So I did start swiping on the apps again and have a date tomorrow. But I've just been using this time to learn specific things around sex to up my skills there. Yesterday I was learning about the Wheel of Consent and had a pretty big realization in relation to this 365: for most of my life I have been terrible at taking and accepting.





For those unfamiliar with the WOC, taking means you are taking an action for your own benefit, done to another person who is willingly allowing it. Accepting means you are accepting a benefit from another person who is giving it to you from their actions. I've almost always put myself in the serving square. I've been afraid of taking and accepting because *gasp* I'd have to admit I'm human, I have needs, and be vulnerable enough to express that to others. I've been afraid of looking weak for having needs and afraid of them never getting met. So I became hyper self sufficient and indivualistic. I'm not going to go into why that's the case. I know why. What's important in this context is it means I keep myself from:

  • never fully let myself experience pleasure
  • ravishing a woman when she's allowing that
  • accepting when she wants to give to and please me

In the last few years I've done a lot to be able accept gifts and service from others. I've gotten better about asking for help. That I was worthy of that. However I don't remember the last time that I asked for something strictly, 100% for my own pleasure or benefit. Even when I ask, I'm still trying to weave in how it benefits them. As a result, I never give them the opprituntity to know what its like to really give a gift to another person. The closest I ever got to this was asking my ex-wife to make a chocolate ice cream cake with alternative, clean ingredients for one of my birthdays. When I took a bite of it I cried and still hold it as one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Thinking about it now, it may have been one of the nicest things I've done for myself, accepting the gift from another person. One of my old lay reports shows exactly how this shows up in the bedroom, where she asked me how I wanted a blowjob and I just straight blanked. I didn't know what I wanted, what would have brought me the most pleasure right then in that moment. There are sometimes I can be tense to certain touch. That it's too much pleasure.

But taking, doing an action for my own benefit, well that's what this whole 365 has been about. It's been about stating I have a need, a desire, something I want, and making it known. Then taking the action. And that's been scary because I don't want to be the shadow side of that. But it's also meant I never truly get what I want, and it gets muddied in me trying to mix it in with giving to others. But then its not really a gift. In dating, this is what makes me timid to touch because I'm not making it know that's exactly what I want to do. When I'm having sex, I may be topping and doing things to her, but I'm never truly dominating her because I'm not fully taking the benefit for my own desires. There's a lack of integrity there which can make me timid. I hold back. I don't ask for what I truly want.

As with any fault, it feels embarrassing to admit. However it shows me exactly where liberation lies and where work can be done. So lets not wallow. What are we going to do about it?

Well, the wheel of consent comes from Betty Martin who has some excellent exercises on touch. Specifically learning to take pleasure from the sensations your hand feels. Your hands have thousands of receptors, like your face and genitals, and as a result can actually feel a lot of pleasure from touching things. I won't explain the 3 exercises because she does it far better than I will right now, but I will essentially be doing those.

Then, both Psychedelic Girl & Spiritual Girl happen to be coaches in some capacity or another. So I will be asking both of them to come over a having a session 100% focused on me. Where I have to ask for exactly what I want done to me or do to them. Now I can hear some of you saying "well you should just tell them what to do", I think that before I can authentically do that, I must help my nervous system physically know its ok to do that. I have to have the experience of stating a need, having them fulfill that need, and feeling whatever comes up around that. With every new girl that comes in, I'll actively work on this because I'm consciously aware of it now.
 
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