Brandon Builds - Conversation with the ex-wife

[hyrtsmyrts]

I'm a bit late to party as I've been on holidays for 2 months. Just wanted to thank you for the yearly review. I do tons of journaling, writing goals and reviews myself. But never as detailed as you do. Many guys just theorize, discuss and overanalyze instead of taking action. You in fact have the theory and the action in good balance.
Seeing your dedication and commitment motivates me to go to the same direction. Thank you for the value you have brought to the community. Keep it up.

 

[MILFandCookies]

Just wanted to drop in today to say Happy Thanksgiving. Even for those outside the U.S.

I'm grateful for each of you. You all inspire me to show up and be a better man everyday.

I spent the last four hours this morning volunteering to hand out meals to the homeless. No matter your situation right now, it could be much worse. Have some gratitude for all that has been given to you or you have worked hard to achieve.

Much love to you, your families and loved ones.

I'm grateful for you too man, you've shown me what's possible. Def. a factor in my new stage in life - keep it up man!

 

[Bman]

Before we get to today’s lay report, I just want to say that the forum has been damn spicy the last few weeks. Maybe you all need some more vitamin D in your diet from a lack sun, but something is seriously put you all in a sour mood. Sure some callouts may be needed, but please, let’s not turn KYIL into twitter. Pretty sure we are here to help each other, not tear each other down. Right now you’re acting like a bunch of bratty girls. Lets stop shit posting each other and get back to work.

It’s been a minute since I’ve given an update, but I’ll post one soon about the work I’ve been doing including cold approach, working on my attachment style, breaking up with one of my girls, and planning a Christmas party for my munch.

Until then, here’s a lay report. Shoutout to our brown brothers here. You sisters out here getting laid, too.

----

#32 - Bratty Indian Girl

22yo Indian girl, curvy with huge tits, came here from India for a computer science degree, had a conservative background and pretty much wanted to go wild once she reached the states, new to BDSM.

She opened me on FetLife. I gave the typical line on there to figure out what she wanted, “Hey little miss, something catch your eye?” She replied about how sexy my hands were, so I had her send a face and frontal picture (because her ass was all that was on her profile) and then grabbed her number. The picture she sent was still in pool, so I could not get a full view of the body, so still a gamble.

She was out of town for Thanksgiving, so we had to schedule a week out. Checked in the night before and all good. She texted me a couple hours before the date…





Knew this was going to be your typical comfort girl. This is a done deal.

She shows up at the coffee bar wearing a low cut, tight white top with a gold necklace that makes the brown skin of her cleavage pop. Decided then she was hot enough to fuck and I’d take her home.

What I was surprised by momentarily was how bratty and sassy she was. I was not expecting that; however, I knew it was just a façade. So I ended up being more fuckboy, teasing her harder anytime she tried giving me shit, than I usually am with comfort girls.

Some highlights:

• When we sat down our knees were touching for a few minutes. Then she pulled away a bit and leaned further back. I knew she probably grew up conservative with an Indian background and was not sure what the culture was like in terms of touching. But eventually her knees would wander back to mine. I called out the elephant in the room of her being nervous and let her know it was ok.
• I was giving very direct eye contact during the date. Towards the beginning she said “Gawwd your eye contact game is strong.” I wish I was making that up, but it’s what she said. Throughout the rest of the date she would look me in the eyes, I would stay silent, and then she would nervously grin and look away. “I can’t look at you… I just lose my words when I look at you…” as she would giggle. I’ve come to realize my eye contact my greatest strength as I’ve been commented on this dozens of times that my eyes are beautiful, captivating, intense, and so on. Lean into your strengths.
• She remarked about my beard, asking if people always want to touch it. I asked if she wanted to touch it and told her that she may. Afterwards she was talking about her hair, so I touched her hair and ran my hand down her back and stopped above the waistline.
• She asked a lot of questions about my life. I’d respond, and then she would give some judgmental remark or question why I would want to live my life like that. So I’d just flip it and tease her really hard about some way she is living hers. At some point she said “I think we’re like total opposites.” I ignored. In this case the polarity is a good thing.
• She whined about having to drive 20 minutes to the date spot. I gave her shit for it.
• She asked if I meet a lot of girls of FetLife. I said sometimes. I find this to be the best answer. I’m not apologetic that I have an active sex life, but I’m also empathetic that she doesn’t want to know and was just nervous about comparing herself to them and living up to my standards.
• I learned about her Indian upbringing and when she came to college in the states she pretty much went party girl because she could.
  We had another moment of silence and eye contact and she asked what I was thinking. I’d been teasing her a lot so I told her that she was beautiful.
• When we started talking about sex, she got really sheepish. She would share a little bit and then get really shy. She said she never talks to anyone about this stuff. I self-disclosed some of my sex stories or things I’m into. She would open up a little more. She had learned about BDSM mostly through porn and would have to tell past boyfriends what to do in the bedroom. She just wanted someone to do it without having to tell them to.
• She mentioned having read a lot on my Fet profile and then would get embarrassed she had done so. I told her it was ok.

It had been about 30 minutes so I pitched the pull after a long silence and gaze in each other’s eyes.

“Mmm… Maybe later… Let me finish my coffee first.” Said in a bratty but nervous tone. “What are we going to do back at your place?”

I leaned forward and softly dangled my finger tip across her thigh. “What do you think we’re going to do there?” Said in an equally snarky tone.

She did her sheepish look away and giggle. We went back to a bit of comfort building small talk.

Now I know what the standard operating procedures are here: plausible deniability. But hear me out. I want it very clear what we are doing when we get back to my place. I want a yes before we even leave. I don’t want any resistance once we walk through the door. I doesn’t turn me on, it makes me frustrated, and if I do overcome it, I don’t even feel like having sex anyways. This does not mean I’m pressuring her on the date. If she says no on the date then I’m happy for the both of us.

Eventually she got bratty again. “I think it’s going to take me a loooong time to drink this coffee. Maybe a couple hours. Are you going to wait?”

“No. I’ll leave.”

“What? Really? You have something else to do. Another date planned?”

“No. I’m just won’t watch you drink coffee for two hours. I’ll leave nicely.”

Honey, this is a one night only offer. There will not be a second date.

“What does that look like. ‘I’m going to leave now. Thanks for being a bitch.’” Again, her words. Though it may read as harsh resistance in this report, the tone of her voice was playful and bratty. Big difference.

“Maybe.”

We had some more comfort building small talk. I knew she was turned on by the fuckboy attitude, but she also needed to feel safe.

Then she asked, “Do you care if I have other partners?”

“I have other partners.”

“How many?”

“Just two.” (Lie: I have three I see regularly, but about to break up with one so 2 felt like the right answer.)

“How many have you had a one time?”

“Just two” (Lie: I have had many more. I know lying does matter much to many of you, but it does to me. That’s my morals, not yours. In the moment, saying two felt like the safe call. However I would like to have been honest, even if jarring for her. I could have handled any objection or anxiety that may have brought her. Still striving for complete honesty, direct, and upfrontness. You can do better, B.)

“Now it could be 3.”

“Maybe.”

“Well I was just asking because I hooked up with a friend back in my college town and have some marks on my ass…”

“Oh? Did you earn those?”

“No. I had to tell him to do it.”

After about another 20 mins I said, “You know that coffee is in a to go cup. Are you sure you don’t want to take it with you?”

“Yeah. We can take it with us.”

Left the coffee bar and drove her car back. In the car ride she mentioned having shared my picture with her friends. I asked what they had thought. She said I was really hot.

Also, side note: it's incredibly easy to get girls to drive you back to your place. The coffee bar is only 10 min walk back to my apartment, but its a short drive. Call me lazy, but then I don't have to walk them back to the bar afterwards. You just have to have a lot of comfort talk because she is usually nervous about the mess in her car, a stranger being in it, her driving abilities, and the fact she's going to go have sex with this guy in place she's never been.

When we got back to my place I let her play with the dog and get comfortable. I just sat on the bed. When she had her fill of the dog, I just sat on the edge of the bed, looked at her, and told her “come here.” Over she walked, no resistance, her standing and me sitting, and kissed. I put my hands under her ass, picked her up, and threw her on the bed.

We went for two rounds. Sex was alright. She’s inexperienced. Girl had watched way too much porn and thought she had to gag on my cock from the moment her mouth touched it. I told her slow down. Showed her a good time though. Probably made her cum more than she has with anyone else.

Afterwards when we were cuddling she said “I speak four languages and I don’t even know what to say. I don’t have any thoughts in my head.” I asked how she was feeling. She said, “Like, was that real?” We laughed. She asked if we could do this all night. I said no. I get up at 4:30am. She got all judgey/bratty again. After we got dressed I walked her down to her car, kissed her, squeezed her ass, and sent her on her way.

Not one I want in rotation, but was a fun night nonetheless. I’m getting super picky about my regular girls. But I know what I like and want now.

 

[Spider Jerusalem]

Bman

Before we get to today’s lay report, I just want to say that the forum has been damn spicy the last few weeks. Maybe you all need some more vitamin D in your diet from a lack sun, but something is seriously put you all in a sour mood. Sure some callouts may be needed, but please, let’s not turn KYIL into twitter. Pretty sure we are here to help each other, not tear each other down. Right now you’re acting like a bunch of bratty girls. Lets stop shit posting each other and get back to work.

Hear hear.

I'm all for healthy discussion and debate, but we're all supposed to be on the same side. It upsets and annoys me when I see conflict and negativity aimed at each other on the forums over petty stuff.

I'm glad someone has said this because it needed to be said.

 

[Fodu]

She asked if I meet a lot of girls of FetLife. I said sometimes. I find this to be the best answer. I’m not apologetic that I have an active sex life, but I’m also empathetic that she doesn’t want to know and was just nervous about comparing herself to them and living up to my standards.

I get this almost every single Feeld date. Idk what’s optimal here. I used to be shy and say “not a lot”. Which kinda sounds like a DLV. Now I just say “yeah I’ve met a few and it’s been fun.” More of a DHV and implicit preselection but at the same time it might put women off.

I will try saying “sometimes” next time.

“How many have you had a one time?”

I also get this, but rather the reverse: “How many girls do you see more than once?”

I haven’t figured out the right way to phrase it. Rn I have some minor retention issues and have had way too many ONS. So I’m aware of what a DLV it is to talk about having so many ONS due to girls not wanting to see me again for whatever reason. I guess I could twist it into a DHV by pretending I am picky, but then she’s gonna think I’m gonna pump and dump her.

I am just thinking out loud here, perhaps a better answer might be “a handful” and “I don’t keep count”. It’s probably true-ish. We keep count of lays and I have a spreadsheet with retention statistics ie I have the data, but I don’t actually check the number of ONS I’ve had because I don’t care. Thus I am not keeping count.

One Feeld girl asked this question and I rambled a bit and she said simply that “it’s an audition”. Another has said that we are looking for something consistent, not looking for a ONS but it happens sometimes when people don’t click or whatever.

I think this might be the optimal angle to approach this question. Lead with the intention to find someone consistent, and admit that ONS happens as a byproduct of that quest.

 

[Bman]

Short Primer on Tantra

Zug - didn't want to derail foducossy42's log so posting here.

If you google Tantra online you're going to wade through a lot of bullshit.

At a high level, tantra is culmination of beliefs and practices pulled from several eastern traditions. There are a small sliver of practices which are most often linked to sex and can be found in what's sometimes referred to as Neo-tantra.

Obviously that's what we care about here, so that's what I'll discuss.

For a beginner, there are 3 main pillars you want to focus on: Eye gazing, touch, & breathing.

1: Eye Gazing

The most basic practice is to essentially sit with her and look into each others eyes for an extended period of time. I sometimes do this when she first comes over before sex. It will create a seperation from the busy world and bring connection between you two. You can also mix breathwork and touch/holding in with this. It will be very intimate and eventually you'll see her breath and body language to surrender and sync with yours. It will build more connection and comfort with her. Get comfortable doing this in the bedroom and I promise you'll have no problem holding eye contact with a women on a date or in public. During sex you can stop all movement during penetration and gaze into her eyes. If you want to mix in dominance, you can tell her she is not allowed to look away. If you want more dominance, you can lightly choke her and tell her how beautiful she is, while holding eye contact.

2: Touch

The focus of tantric sex is to bring awareness to sensation, savoring pleasure, and elongating that until saitied. Your hands will be your most powerful tool. You will want to learn how to run them slowly, very slowly, across every inch of her body. Essentially your mapping every zone of her body, paying attention to her reactions as you do so, taking note of what is most pleasurable.

You'll want to learn different types of touch. Most people will associate these with the different elements (water, fire, air, earth, ether) but that's just labels to describe them. Water is fluid motion across the body, fire is scratching, rubbing, and spanking which create heat in the body, air is when you run your fingers so close to their skin but not actually touching, earth are holds and compressing, and ether is getting into energy work (which I'll talk about in a second because energy is a loaded word).

Best way to learn these are by taking massage courses and practicing. What's key here is you are slowing everything down way more than you think. Think you are going slow enough? Go slower. You can also learn what is called a Yoni Massage. This is more than just fingering and really is about going slow and helping her to feel every little inch of her pussy, probably in ways she's never had before. You are doing the same mapping techniuqes. Taking your time to massage every erogenous spot on the outside and inside of her pussy. Every woman I've done this with has really enjoyed it.

I'll most often do a variety of touches in my BDSM play. For example, I might spank her a lot, getting a lot of heat and blood to her cheeks, then slowly run my fingers across them so she can feel every inch of her ass. Another example is before eating a girl out, I might hover my mouth above her clit to she can feel the heat of my breath and then make her beg for me to lick her.

3: Breath

Your breath and your arousal levels are linked to one another. There are a ton of different breath techniques, but you really only need two: one to increase arousal and one to decrease arousal. I mentioned earlier about using breathwork during your eye gazing session before sex. During this time you are teaching her to follow your breath. I often teach my girls the command "Breathe" which means I want them to take a deep breath in, follow my breath, and together we will calm down. Then when I'm having sex with her, and i can tell she is getting overly excited, maybe about to orgasm, I will stop and tell her to breathe. Why? Because I'm helping her to "ride the wave", basically building her up over and over again, going from a 6 to 9 to 7 to 9 to 8 to 9 and finally letting her hit an 11 on the arousal scale. If done correctly, she will orgasm and continue to orgasm a bunch with all of them mixing together.

You can also use your breath to get them more aroused. Next time you have sex, pay attention to how you breath when your about to come. It will be similar to whats known as tumo breathing or breath of fire: short, rapid, shallow. What I like to do sometimes before sex is sit in Yab Yum position with her, foreheads touching, and do breath of fire. It's a simulation of fucking without actually fucking. It will raise her arousal level, especially if she was low energy when she walked through the door. Then you move on to actually fucking her.

Gaining awareness of your breath will also allow you learn to move that arousal through your body so it doesn't feel so concentrated in your dick. You will want to learn to breath deep into your pelvic floor. When you ejaculate your pelvic floor constricts and becomes tight. So by breathing into it you will be able to loosen it and last longer.

Advanced Tantra

Your advanced Tantra practices will be learning the psychological components: Ritual, worship, and energy movement. I'm not going to explain these in as much detail because you really only need the above for great experiences, plus I'm still learning them myself.

Ritual can easily be mixed with BDSM practices. The goal is to overwhelm the senses with a routine set of practices that move her from the headspace of the real world to the headspace of fantasy.

Worship can go either way - you worship her or she worships you. In tantra there is not as much power play like BDSM. Think of it more like a dance between the masculine and the feminine. In worship acts one person is 100% focused on the other. Every act is done for them as if they were the most amazing body you have ever seen or touched. Now clearly if you wanted to be Dom in this situation you could easily have her worship you and bring in some extreme dirty talk.

Energy movement has to do with being able to move the sensations that you have created through eye gazing, touch, and breath and feel them throughout the rest of the body. It's also about bringing in a degree of empathy, knowing the same sensations and feelings you feel are also felt in her. You're essentially trying to sync to each other. This is where things get "spiritual" and "you become one" and "move energy through each other". Whether you believe in that or not is up to you. The reality is that you two will feel closer when feeling the same sensations created through these physiological practices.

For resources, refer to the post I wrote hytrmyrts and my Year 2 summary.

 

[Bman]

Break-up with Spiritual Girl

All of us write reports for how we start a relationship with a girl, but very few ever write how to end it. I believe it’s just as important to have skill in ending a relationship. You can turn a long beautiful relationship with the most wonderful experiences into shit just by how you end it. Humans are biased by the peak-end rule. Girls will burn into their mind how you end the relationship and erase everything else.

I’m also going to be blunt and say a lot of you guys suck at empathy and relationship skills. Which of course, how could you be good at them unless you’ve put in some work in some long relationships. You’re not aware of the stages of how a woman’s brain changes as the relationship goes on (recommend reading: The Female Brain)

I think this is something undervalued in the stuff guys like Andy, Holden, and Manly Cockfellow share. Sure, you can spike emotion to get her into bed. But can you sustain that emotion over not just months, but years? Then end the relationship in a way that the emotions stay intact? And do it with multiple woman, AT THE SAME TIME?

It’s a different skillset, boys. I still am good friends with my ex-wife after an 8 year relationship. She’s not dated anyone since the divorce. Her parents took me out to dinner several months after the divorce and told me about how the whole family misses me. I could get right back into that saddle if I wanted.

So I’d like to just give you a window into how I end things, so it might help you too. Yeah it is about to sound like a romance novel and that’s the point! Call it beta or whatever, but you’ll see this girl is willing to fly wherever I am and still suck my dick even after “ending” the relationship.

Just because I’m sexual heathen, doesn’t mean I’m not also a gentleman and romantic.

Alright, on to the report.

---

Why I was breaking up with her

Well, flat out honest truth, I was starting to lose attraction. She is beautiful, but the other two girls in my rotation, Politics Girl and Rope Bunny, are more attractive. Spiritual Girl came into my life first, but after the other two entered, I was not as turned on.

The real dark side of having multiple partners AND me improving that I can pull hotter girls.

So the last two times I had sex with Spiritual Girl, I just wasn’t as psychologically present or putting in as much effort. She deserves for me to show up as my best and I deserve to have sex with the women I want. It was time to end.

Furthermore, I will be leaving in a few months anyways. I’ve also started cold approaching every day. I also need to pick up some consulting clients to cover the cost of the engine swap in the van. All things digging into my time. This means limited slots for regular girls. So I want the best of the regular girls in those slots. To be honest, I’m also a slut and want to occasionally have ONS, too.

How I ran the break up

I believe the masculine and right thing to do with a woman you have been seeing for a long time is to have a discussion in person. She took your dick for months, the least you can do is take whatever heat she might bring.

After she texted me from returning on her thanksgiving trip I sent her a text to talk. I gave her a small primer of the discussion because I wanted her to process the emotional shock on her own before the talk.


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Afterwards we set the date for today.

I decided to take her for a walk when she arrived, rather than bring her into the apartment. I want every memory of being in my apartment to be a good one. My apartment is fantasy land. It’s not the real world. I also learned from years of doing relationship check-in talks with my ex wife that it’s much easier to have heavy conversations in motion, walking side by side.

I told her she was beautiful, hugged her, and asked how she was feeling. She immediately started crying. So I held her until she recomposed herself. Then we started walking.

Now I really struggled with walking the line of being honest and trying not to destroy her feelings. I didn’t want to tell her I was not attracted to her as much anymore and that’s why I wanted to break up. That would have wrecked her. I’m not trying to cause emotional harm.

So instead I told a half truth, and explained that with me moving in a few months and everything I have going on, that I would start psychologically pulling away and not be fully present with her. I said I wanted to end on a high note, rather than let the relationship devolve. She understood completely and was grateful for it.

She stopped walking, cried some more, and I held her in the middle of the sidewalk.

Then I did the same thing that I did with my ex-wife, and asked for three ways I can improve in my future relationships and three things she was grateful for that I did well.

She said it was going to be really hard to come up with any feedback and asked if we could keep walking while she thought. Eventually she came up with a couple things...

Feedback for improving:

• She felt like she was always receiving so, that I was a generous lover. She didn’t know how she could best return the favor.
• She was unclear about how to support or fulfill my needs in between sessions: like how much texting, how much intimacy to show, and so on.

I reflected back to her how the feedback landed for me. I told her I was aware I can do a poor job at expressing my needs. When I first met her I was still working on my inner game that I was deserving of having those needs fulfilled. I thanked her for letting me know I need to be better about setting the parameters of my relationships.

We talked briefly about polyamory, and talking about other partners, because she had recently been sharing details about our sex life with her primary partner. Their relationship is setup that both sides are open, but she is the only one who has taken advantage of it being open. I gave her some tips about how I like to handle multiple partners, saying that I personally don’t mind my girls talking about their other partners but never want to hear the sexual details because I know that I will begin to compare myself and want to compete to be the best. Then she said “NO ONE will ever be able to out compete you!”

Then she asked if I could give her some feedback. She thanked me for the couple pieces I shared with her. Then it was time to share gratitude. She stopped and started crying again into my chest. Then she just rapidly started listing out things.

Some things she was grateful for:

• How psychologically, emotionally, physically, and sexually safe I made her feel from the very beginning.
• How beautiful I made her feel. Like she was desired, ravished, and needed.
• How expert I was sexually, emotionally, and energetically and helping her to learn her pleasure.
• Being present and caring even in dark play.
• My beautiful cock (her literal words).

I just held her, looked her in the eyes, and wiped the alligator tears on her face as she spoke. I shared some gratitudes I had of her. We then kissed for a little bit before walking again.

She then said I set the bar SO DAMN HIGH. I was her first date on Feel’d after only being in Austin for two weeks, her first relationship after she opened it up, and her first Dom. She said it’s going to be impossible to find another man like me.

She told me she had went on a coffee date with a red headed woman who was really hot and was like "dammit, I could have shared her with him." I had given her an assignment a few weeks ago to find another woman for us to have a threesome with. Now, I could have waited until after the threesome to break up, but to me it would have felt like I was just using her rather than it being for the both of us. Again, my morals, not yours. I know I’ll get plenty of threesomes in the future. I can wait.

She thanked me for not ghosting her, but said she knew I would never do that anyways.

She then told me that she had a fantasy that as we continued our lives, both of us traveling, that maybe at least once a year she would fly to whatever city I’m in and we could have a sexual extravaganza for a night. She asked if I was open to that, that she doesn’t like to close doors. I told her absolutely and told her my plans for traveling around. She said she did not care, she would fly to wherever I was. And I absolutely believe her considering she flys between Austin, NY, and Puerto Rico all the time and was flying back and forth to Puerto Rico to see her primary partner this year. She’s also has the money to do it, as she’s the chief marketing officer for a startup and a sex coach. (Funny, I taught her things about sex she is teaching her female clients).

We got back to her car and she cried some more. I kissed her forehead and held her. Then I kissed her on the lips, long and slow. She cried more and then said “goodbye you amazing King” which is what she liked to call me a lot after I fucked her. I told her “remember it’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later.”

 

[Squilliam]

Now I really struggled with walking the line of being honest and trying not to destroy her feelings. I didn’t want to tell her I was not attracted to her as much anymore and that’s why I wanted to break up. That would have wrecked her. I’m not trying to cause emotional harm.

So instead I told a half truth, and explained that with me moving in a few months and everything I have going on, that I would start psychologically pulling away and not be fully present with her. I said I wanted to end on a high note, rather than let the relationship devolve. She understood completely and was grateful for it.

There's a saying that goes something like, "Honesty without tact is cruelty".

I think you handled the situation excellently, and I think it says a lot about you as a man that you actually did this in person, especially given the fact that she was a casual FWB and not an LTR partner

 

[Bman]

There's a saying that goes something like, "Honesty without tact is cruelty".

Good line.

Going to drop some stuff here on the 3 levels of honesty that I wrote MAC a year ago in his log.

 

[Manly Cockfellow]

Thank you for this, Bman:

Break-up with Spiritual Girl
https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=69226#p69226

Definitely one of my favorite posts of all time on KYIL

I had a similar recent break up, but she was the one being kind while breaking up with me, and though it was sad it was also sweet and one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, and I'm so grateful for the way she handled it.

Her kindness literally healed my faith in humanity, and made me feel so lucky to have been loved by such a beautiful soul.
It also made the world feel like a more hopeful and wonderful place.


My poor sister recently experienced the opposite: she was dating a guy for a few months that she really liked, and they even took a trip together for a week to San Francisco, but he ended things with her over text a few days after they got back... fucking asshole.


Thank you for making this world a better place

We need more men like you

 

[Manly Cockfellow]

Thank you for this fantastic post as well:

Short Primer on Tantra
https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=69206#p69206

 

[hyrtsmyrts]

Wow. I'm speechless. What a beautiful post. What a beautiful human being you are. I want to be like you one day. Bravo.

 

[Bman]

Update

Girls

Politics Girl & Rope Bunny are still regulars, though busy from work and wrapping things up for the end of the year. Last few weeks I’ve been getting one new girl consistently every week from Fet or social circle.

Date on Saturday with beautiful 25yo red headed, petite service sub that is so my type. She just fell into my inbox because of my munch.

Cold Approach

As I mentioned in my EOY summary, my intention for next year is to focus on learning cold approach. So I stopped paying for and swiping on the apps for now.

I was reading the notes AskTheDom and & Manga left in Idoser’s log about what was needed to become proficient at cold approach. Manga mentioned listening to St.Robert’s podcast, so I listened to a couple episodes.

In the podcast he said that if you really want to get proficient, you need to go out every day. This intuitively made sense to me because it’s just like the gym. In the beginning I went to the gym every day to overcome whatever bullshit excuses I had. Doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, you make time to go to the gym. Eventually it became part of my lifestyle and I love going to the gym. I actually hate if I ever have to skip and probably only do it once or twice a year now.

Cold approach is no different. So I reorganized my schedule so I can go out for 1-2 hours every day. It’s all I’m willing to allot away from the main priority of work.

The Dom made a great post about the levels you will go through to reach proficiency.

Quick summary:

• Level 0 – Mastering AA & managing your nervous system
• Leve 1 – Competent at the parts of approach
• Level 2 – Vibe & Attraction
• Level 3 – Escalation/Closing
• Level 4 – Attractive Personality

Right now I’m just getting to level 0, which is getting used to doing cold approach and getting over my anxiety so I have blood flowing to prefrontal cortex and not freezing in set. Once I’m calm, I have no problem conversing, starting to vibe, and being able to learn the parts of the approach and know where I am in set. Also, there have been times I’ve been approaching last year that I had no problem approaching very attractive women. I actually don’t have much anxiety about being rejected.

From what I’ve observed, my anxieties are:

• Being cringe or socially uncalibrated. My body even tenses and I close my eyes when I see others be cringey.
• Freezing in conversation. I’m actually quite witty and sharp in conversation, but if I’m anxious I can’t easily follow rabbit trails for conversation.
• Being a bother to them.

In order to get to Level 0, here are the tasks that I am focusing on:

• Go out every day – only allowed one skip for the week and must be for work related reasons.
• Get up to 5 approaches a day and then 10 approaches a day.
• Throw myself into different and unique approach situations to gain a wide experience.
• Pushing the line of rejection to find out how much I can get away with, for example if she says she has a boyfriend, to say I have
• girlfriends and ask if she’s in an open relationship. I just want to see what happens.

I read the beginning of september's log and he seemed to do the slow ramp up as well. I’ve been going out for a little over a week now, getting 2-3 sets a day, got 2 numbers and couple decent sets, including a married woman who said she wished her husband looked like me and would go on a date with me if she was not married. Ouch.

However until I’ve reached the above, I’m not even going to worry about asking for deep advice, recording sets, or getting coaching because frankly, it would be a waste of time for that mentor. I need to have the habit engrained first and worked out all the bullshit excuses required for me to consistently get around 10 approaches a day for the advice to be taken seriously and be implemented the very next day. At that time I’ll get coaching to speed run me through Level 1 & 2, because I think once I’ve gain proficiency in those levels, Level 3 & 4 will come pretty easily. Of course, I’m a newb at cold approach, so what they hell do I know.

I really don’t care how long this takes me to learn because it’s not about getting laid per se, it’s actually about the version of Bman that is on the other side of this. The one who does not give a fuck at all, is bold, and does as he pleases, approaching any woman he finds attractive in any situation. I’ve seen glimpses of him before, so I know the delta between me now and him is smaller than I think.

The first time I viscerally remember him showing up was when I went to a bar with my friends and wife. There was roped off stairs to the upper part of the bar for some private party. After having a couple drinks, I seen it as we were about to leave the bar. My friends mentioned they wondered what was up there. So I disregarded the sign, went up there, and immediately walked up and started talking with a hot girl up there who was in mid conversation with another guy. Turns out she was the birthday girl and it was her party. I asked her if my friends could come join and she said yes. I remember the guy just sitting there dumbfounded as I talked with his girl. Unfortunately my friends were too chicken shit and I don’t even know what I was trying to pull of there with my wife there, too. Lol But that’s when I decided to stop drinking alcohol because I knew I needed to learn how to bring that guy out without drinking.

Last year when I intermittently did cold approach and was still pretty fresh to all this, I did have one date, couple numbers that would have turned into a date in not cucked by schedules, handful of numbers that went nowhere, and did fine approaching very hot women and got positive responses. Paradoxically, there is a certain threshold for me that they are so hot I HAVE to approach. I immediately shut down whatever anxiety there is and just go for it.

Yes, I can already hear Manganiello and AskTheDom telling me I'm not doing enough. But I know I must learn to crawl before I can walk, and walk before I can run. So let’s beat Level 0 first.

Social Circle

Throwing a Christmas play party on the 18th for the regulars who have come to the munch this year. Should be a good time.

Also found a website that allows you to book hotel suites at a discount, so I will probably start throwing hotel sex parties during my travels next year which will be much more streamlined I think. There is a famous SW and researcher her in Austin that hosts sex parties with a stringent application. I can easily see myself having the same when I have more influence.

My sex coaching/mentoring/ submissive training (I don’t even know what to call this yet) client is going well. She’s paid for two sessions so far. I’m actually having a lot of fun doing it. If I continue to do this with other women, in combination with continuing to get laid, will give me such a deep expertise into women’s sexual psychology.

All in all, I can see a version of myself in the future that has a consistent, over abundant stream of girls wanting to fuck me, work with me, or attend one of my sex parties. Just requires me continuing to put in consistent effort over time with compounding growth, Warren Buffett style

Van Work

Van is finally repaired. Having it in the shop ate into about 3 weeks worth of build time, but it is what is. Glad to be working on it again. Purchased last of materials and finishing her up. Also found a website that allows you to housesit for people in cities. Most of the people on there are older wealthy couples traveling that own gorgeous homes. My plan is to bounce around different houses that need housesitting when I want a break from living in the van for a week. Will also be nice for pulling girls back to little mcmansions.

Attachment work

Been doing good work on my attachment style using the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol & finished reading Attachment Disturbances in Adults last week.

My biggest fear underlying my attachment style is that of abandonment. I learned to keep myself safe from abandonment by becoming Mr.Independent and not letting people get close in a relationship in the beginning. I don’t want to tell them my needs, because if I do, and they leave, then I have to fulfill them myself anyways. So I just don’t even tell them to start with. However if I do let them get closer to me, then I become anxious and need reassurance that they do in fact love me and will not abandon. If I sense any type of abandonment and them getting ready to exit my life, then I become avoidant again in order to protect myself.

I can see this behavior was bad in my early 20’s. From what I can gather, I’ve done a lot of work to become secure up until this point. However there still is some residual sometimes. As we can see from the breakup report above, I’m still poor at expressing my needs.

So in the IPFP I have started imagining them leaving and returning, fulfilling my needs, being delighted to see me, and cherishing my existence. I feel like its doing good work. Especially since I’ve retained Rope Bunny, who actually is one of the most secure woman I’ve dated.

If any of you decide to try this protocol, read Attachment Disturbances in Adults because it will explain how to tailor the protocol specific to you. It’s a textbook for psychotherapists to train them how to deliver this treatment to their patients, but I’ve been hotwiring my brain and psychology for years, so I feel confident doing it myself. If you don’t, then work with a therapist trained in the protocol.

ED Discoveries

My ED issues come and go, depending on the woman and how secure or insecure I’m feeling in the moment. However I’ve done a few things to help this.

One – After an evening that I had trouble staying hard, I started taking the proper amount of magnesium and other electrolytes. I was really lacking magnesium. My erections are much firmer and solid after doing so.

Two – This is the more important one. Mine is definitely psychological. An easy test to tell is to figure out what your core desires/feelings are when you’re horny. For example, I like to feel naughty or engage in taboo. Next is to find written erotica that will elicit that feeling. The reason to use erotica instead of porn is because watching videos does not allow you to use your imagination and causes you to breath shallower. However when you read, your breathing slows which relaxes you, and you use your imagination to create the image. Sure enough, I read erotica around some of my core desires and was rock hard very quickly and sustained that erection.

Now, why am I getting anxious during sex sometimes? Well I think part of it has to do with the abandonment piece above. I think that if I don’t perform well, which I think I need my dick to be hard for, and am not a sex god, then she’ll “abandon” me. This usually happens with the girls I’m really into on the first date. Then I think about my dick not being hard in the moment and start the death spiral.

Ok, so what do we do about it? Well based on the work I’ve been doing with attachment styles, I think I can do the same but imagining ideal sex scenarios, particularly ones that everything goes great for me and tap into my core desires. See the brain has a hard time discerning imagined and real memories, because memories are just imagined past events. Once I’ve created a database of imagined scenarios, I can use those to fuel my dirty talk and roleplay and bring those into a situation when I’m getting too worked up. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Three - Now that I know the root cause, and way I think I can address it, I swallowed my ego, and ordered some generic Cialis (thanks for the info drop a while back september). I did this because I don’t want to be in bed with another hottie and keep making bad experience reference points. Instead, if I can use this combination with the above, I think I can make real experience reference points to overwrite the bad ones, and reinforce the imagined scenarios I’ve created. So maybe one day I can use one of the reference points and basically get erections on command. Again, I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

[Manly Cockfellow]

Attachment work

Been doing good work on my attachment style using the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol & finished reading Attachment Disturbances in Adults last week.

My biggest fear underlying my attachment style is that of abandonment. I learned to keep myself safe from abandonment by becoming Mr.Independent and not letting people get close in a relationship in the beginning. I don’t want to tell them my needs, because if I do, and they leave, then I have to fulfill them myself anyways. So I just don’t even tell them to start with. However if I do let them get closer to me, then I become anxious and need reassurance that they do in fact love me and will not abandon. If I sense any type of abandonment and them getting ready to exit my life, then I become avoidant again in order to protect myself.

I can see this behavior was bad in my early 20’s. From what I can gather, I’ve done a lot of work to become secure up until this point. However there still is some residual sometimes. As we can see from the breakup report above, I’m still poor at expressing my needs.

So in the IPFP I have started imagining them leaving and returning, fulfilling my needs, being delighted to see me, and cherishing my existence. I feel like its doing good work. Especially since I’ve retained Rope Bunny, who actually is one of the most secure woman I’ve dated.

If any of you decide to try this protocol, read Attachment Disturbances in Adults because it will explain how to tailor the protocol specific to you. It’s a textbook for psychotherapists to train them how to deliver this treatment to their patients, but I’ve been hotwiring my brain and psychology for years, so I feel confident doing it myself. If you don’t, then work with a therapist trained in the protocol.

Nice summary and good work!

I'm starting therapy next week with one of the facilitators from the ideal parents subreddit, so thanks again for bringing it to my attention!

Now, why am I getting anxious during sex sometimes? Well I think part of it has to do with the abandonment piece above. I think that if I don’t perform well, which I think I need my dick to be hard for, and am not a sex god, then she’ll “abandon” me. This usually happens with the girls I’m really into on the first date. Then I think about my dick not being hard in the moment and start the death spiral.

I feel like this a lot of the time with new girls.


I really like your idea of using your imagination to create positive memories and expectations. Excited to see how that works for you.


And I know you already know this, but for other guys who might be reading, don't forget that being open about feeling nervous and worried about how you'll perform are perfectly acceptable things to tell a girl you're trying to sleep with.

I have been too nervous to get it up the first time with several different women, and when I just stopped trying to get hard and told them I was nervous and needed to cuddle for a minute so I could get comfortable, I was actually giving them a chance to be sweet and understanding and kind, which all of them were, which felt really nice and like they cared about me, which helped me relax, which almost every time lead to me getting hard and us having great sex!


You can also try what I suggested to Sewerdog, which is to playfully make them say how much they love your soft cock and how good it feels to play with it and suck it and how even when it's soft your cock is by far the mightiest cock in the world and how they've never seen or stroked or sucked a better one...
you get the picture

I learned this from a girl who saw I was having trouble getting it up and said "Don't worry, I love playing with soft cocks, and I especially love how they feel in my mouth"... couldn't believe how much better it made me feel!

 

[Bman]

I'm starting therapy next week with one of the facilitators from the ideal parents subreddit, so thanks again for bringing it to my attention!

You're very welcome. If you're comfortable sharing, do let us know how your progress goes with it. I know I will find it valuable.

couldn't believe how much better it made me feel!

I will most certainly give this a go the next time around. Sometimes I'm a simple man and I think that ego boost would probably make me feel great in the moment. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Zug]

I haven't been able to solve my ED issues, but one trick that has had positive impact is "removing the moment of truth". Don't turn the act of penetration into a timed performance. Don't have her spread her legs for you while you're taking off your jeans, trying to get hard, and trying to get a condom on while she waits there staring at you. This is a recipe to fail.

Open the condom wrapper, but leave the condom inside, then take it onto the bed and put it on the top of the pillow or something so you can reach it without moving. If you're well practiced at putting a condom on, it being in a wrapper is fine, but don't make it so you need to stand up and walk to go get it. You can also just have it in your pocket depending on what you're wearing.

Do some heavy makeout, foreplay, oral, whatever where the focus isn't on your dick. Try to get some dick stimulation that isn't direct. Her sitting on your lap or knee between your legs while you make out so there is some pressure on there is really good enough.

None of this is gonna magically solve it, but the ideal is you're making out and sex isn't quite guaranteed to happen and even if it is, the exact moment is still in the air. Avoid being "on the clock".

If you're having a problem in the moment, I don't like telling the girl you're nervous immediately. Tell her not yet, then just throw her down and start teasing her working up to oral. Avoid situations where she's just waiting for you to get hard, that's PA on steroids. If you got the setup, do the same, but tie her to the bed and blindfold her then play with her while you're stroking yourself.

 

[Bman]

Avoid situations where she's just waiting for you to get hard, that's PA on steroids.

I do lots of foreplay, because I get incredibly turned on by her pleasure and moans, and during foreplay I'll usually cycle between hard and soft. Getting oral from her is fine if stimulation continues, but then I might be in my head about staying hard enough for intercourse, that yes, by the time I get to penetration, I might be too soft to actually penetrate. Then I get even more in my head about it. When it happens I've done everything from just focusing on her, blindfolding her & trying to stimulate myself, cuddling, etc. Nothing overcomes the pressure in my head. If it's there, then it's not happening. If it's not, I'm totally fine. When I feel pressure the most, is the first time with a new girl. However it can show up subsequent times if I feel like I need to make up for last time.

If I don't address the root issue, the psychological pressure I'm putting on myself, it will not get solved. Everything else is a bandaid.

However I do think there is something to be said for not making it "the moment of truth", because that's exactly what I'm doing in my head. It's not like I'm not enjoying everything else, because I thoroughly am, but the intercourse is far and above my favorite. And once it's in, the pressure drops, I have direct control over the stimulation, and its smooth sailing. My condoms are within arms reach on the cabinet next to my bed so it's not like downtime is that long, but we are usually repositioning ourselves and time to get the condom on. But I bet there is something I can do to make that moment more of a smooth transition, fun and playful for the both of us. Like using some dirty talk and still having her jack me off, assist "Daddy" with the condom, and such to relieve that "moment of truth" pressure.

Thanks for the suggestion, Zug.

 

[Bman]

Hello gents. Merry Christmas to you all.

Spent my Christmas eve wiring up lights and basically hitting 95% completion on the van. I have a couple small things left, but otherwise she's ready to fill with necessities to turn her into a home. Finished her right before the end of the year.

I'm a big fan of Japanese architecture, so the design is inspired by that. It also fits the minimalist lifestyle.

Its completely insulated. Cabinets are framed with custom designed 80/20 aluminum and have magnetic faces for removing. Back cabinets are full height for closets so clothes dont get wrinkly (I hate wrinkly clothes). All the wood was cut, sanded, and stained by me, including each individual slat on the roof (let me tell you, installing each individual pieces was a pain in the ass). Flooring is rush grass tatami mats imported from Japan. All products and finishes are non toxic, even down to the wood subfloor which has no chemical glues typical for plywood. Lights are bluetooth controlled, can change to whatever color I desire, and can sync with music if I want. Has a solar system that I can also charge by plug. I also have an iceco fridge/freezer cooler which is not pictured as it lives where the passenger seat used to be. Bed is a 100% Cotton Shikibuton Futon imported from Japan which I will roll up during the day and stow away.

Here she was when I bought her:


View attachment 8


Here she is stripped:


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Here she is insulated:


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And here she is finished:


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So fucking pumped to start travelling next year!

 

[natedawg]

Hello gents. Merry Christmas to you all.

Spent my Christmas eve wiring up lights and basically hitting 95% completion on the van. I have a couple small things left, but otherwise she's ready to fill with necessities to turn her into a home. Finished her right before the end of the year.

I'm a big fan of Japanese architecture, so the design is inspired by that. It also fits the minimalist lifestyle.

Its completely insulated. Cabinets are framed with custom designed 80/20 aluminum and have magnetic faces for removing. Back cabinets are full height for closets so clothes dont get wrinkly (I hate wrinkly clothes). All the wood was cut, sanded, and stained by me, including each individual slat on the roof (let me tell you, installing each individual pieces was a pain in the ass). Flooring is rush grass tatami mats imported from Japan. All products and finishes are non toxic, even down to the wood subfloor which has no chemical glues typical for plywood. Lights are bluetooth controlled, can change to whatever color I desire, and can sync with music if I want. Has a solar system that I can also charge by plug. I also have an iceco fridge/freezer cooler which is not pictured as it lives where the passenger seat used to be. Bed is a 100% Cotton Shikibuton Futon imported from Japan which I will roll up during the day and stow away.

Here she was when I bought her:


343737795_6370445806327932_8990272936794192665_n (1).jpg


Here she is stripped:


356948206_6508164869242850_8040856673963980774_n (1).jpg


Here she is insulated:


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And here she is finished:


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So fucking pumped to start travelling next year!

She's beautiful, man. Congrats!

 

[Bman]

#33 - Property Girl

Pretty textbook lay with a girl from FetLife. Added her and messaged after she accepted the friend request.

31, average cute girl but quite kinky, shy and little socially awkward. Her career as a property manager had kept her quite busy over the last couple years so she had taken a break from trying to get into the scene. She now wanted to explore and was looking for a Daddy Dom.

Date at the coffee bar. She was a little nervous and distant when she sate down but over the date we had inched closer and legs were touching. She had on a short but professional dress as she came to the date right after work which showed off her legs nicely.

We talked about hobbies and then sex mostly. She did most the talking. She told me a story about swimming at a local waterfall and there being snapping turtles in there, so I playfully pretend snapped her legs at the bottom of her dress which she was receptive to. She was drinking her drink really slowly, so I gauged how ready she was by running my hand up and down her leg, wrapping my hand into her inner thigh. No resistance.

She was only half way done with her drink, despite us being there for about 45 min, but pitched the pull and she was down. Took her fun little sports car back to my place. Let her play with the pup for a bit. Then went for the kiss. She was receptive, but still a little shy. Took her over to the bed and gently made out with her. She opened up more, asked her if she was going to be a good girl for me which she enthusiastically said yes to, and escalated from there.

Sex was pretty decent. She deep throats amazingly well. One of the first girls I have actually gone past their tonsils and could feel me go down her throat. Not that is a something I enjoy doing all the time, but the novelty was fun in the moment. She could also keep eye contact most of the time. She's also very receptive to dirty talk and is able to play along well. When I was fingering her, I stopped motion, hooked my fingers into her gspot and held a constant tug, and asked her who this pussy belonged to, which she immediately poured out it was mine. Did the same thing when fucking her.

Btw, I had popped a Tadalafil before the date. Worked like a charm. I recognized the thought loop and anxiety start to creep in when she was taking my pants off. I was hard before she started, and then was going a just little soft as she took my pants off, but after she took me in her mouth I never had a problem. Even later during the put the condom on time. Glad I just swallowed my ego on that. Hopefully more positive experiences like this will help rewire the thought loop.

Afterwards we talked more about the dynamic, boundaries, ect. Asked about her schedule and we agreed on a regular day each week. Also gave her some homework to fill out a sex menu. When I walked her down to her car I showed her the inside of the van, then kissed her and sent her along. Pretty good odds she'll be a regular and I think she'll be fun.

---

I took a break from doing cold approach during the holidays this week. Austin is pretty low volume, so its even more sparse when people are traveling and not working or in school. However, I had been going out daily and 1 in every 3-4 sets would get a number. None of them responded to the text after though. So I'll address that later if it continues.

I am however dwindling the approach anxiety. I was in the grocery store a couple days ago getting bananas and saw a cute girl I wanted to talk to, so I approached her. I wasn't doing a session, I was just out and about.

Also went out with Ed a couple weeks ago. After the new year we are going to approach together more often. So making progress towards completing Level 0.

On the van front, I've started selling furniture and items I'm not taking in the van. I'll be putting in notice about breaking my lease and getting internet in the van after the new year. Even though I'm leaving in April, I plan on psuedo moving into the van earlier, just to ease the transition and get used to it before I don't have the apartment anymore.