GN's Progress Log - Self-Love Arc: A bit better this week + Physique Update

[MisterE]

I met my therapist. I told her I have basically fallen apart this week. My diet is absolute ass, I have been binging porn again, obsessing over my hair, and also about my feelings about that one girl.

It is a recurring theme I see through your log: you are constantly beating yourself up. In the end, this is only making things worse for your mental health.

I understand what you are going through. It is hard feeling denied something basic as companionship from the other sex, but the only way to solve this issue is to work on yourself. See the experience with the girl you almost had sex with as proof that you are able to attract women. If you are dating in the western world, not being white should barely be an issue. Hell, it can sometimes even be an advantage. I have experienced both sides of the coin. Of course people have preferences, but that is something you can't change anything about. Just like you can't change that you are magically attracted to that girl you almost lost your virginity to. Focus on what you can control (your body, finance, your behavior)

You are already going to the gym and upgrading your fashion, which are some good first steps you are making. However, what I see is that your relationship with porn is hindering your progress. Something I have experienced myself and managed to gain control over. I want to tell you how I solved it. Maybe this can help you as well.

I have done it all: 30, 90, 150 days no fap / PMO but to no avail. I always returned to my old behavior. What I eventually did wrong, was not handling this behavior like any other addiction. Stopping cold turkey with an addiction is almost never the solution. Drug use, compulsively watching porn and eating disorders are behaviors mostly caused because of an underlying problem. Solving the underlying problem is a multi-step process of really small steps you need to take.

This is what I did to quit my bad relationship with porn.

Porn itself is mostly not the issue. It is the relationship you have with porn that is causing it to be an issue. It is the combination with masturbation and certain negative triggers. The trigger is key here. Start by recognizing the trigger that is causing you to binge porn. In most cases the trigger is a negative feeling like loneliness, failing a test or getting rejected. Next time you experience a negative feeling, try to recognize how you feel (sad, angry, frustrated, etc.) and the reason why you feel it. Start by slowly incorporating the rule that you don't watch porn and/or masturbate when you feel any of these negative feelings. Decoupling negative triggers from certain behaviors is the first and most important step. Don't beat yourself up when you give in a couple of times.

Step two is decoupling porn and masturbation. If you feel a craving, (remember, a negative feeling does not count as a craving) masturbate without the use of porn/pictures/erotica/any audio-visual stimuli. You can use toys if you really want to. If you have none (you sold yours if I remember correctly), use lube and be gentle else you will suffer from deathgrip and your first time will be a disappointment. Trust me on this.

If you catch yourself watching porn or something you normally would use as masturbation material, don't be harsh on yourself. Recognize it for what it is without any judgment. However, don't start touching yourself. Keep your hands from your junk. If it happens it happens. Turn it off when you feel ready and start doing something else. Remember: don't beat yourself up when you give in a couple of times.

Step three is to couple masturbation with one single location. It should be a location you can't use as an excuse to be for all of your day. Like in bed. If for some reason you are unable to get out of bed, do the following: Take your time to wake up. Check-in with your cravings and if you have some, masturbate. However, remember that negative feelings are not cravings. After you are done, clean yourself up, brush your teeth etc. If you still feel tired, don't get back to bed but lay in a chair or on the sofa instead.

Also in this stage, don't actively search for any porn and turn off any material you would normally use for masturbation immediately. Take your time and don't be harsh on yourself if you fail a couple of times.

This took me a couple of months to incorporate. This does not mean that you can never watch any porn ever again. If you feel comfortable you can start by introducing it back slowly, but only on the condition after you did something of value for that day (when you went on a fun date where you didn't pull, worked on you self improvement, etc.). Personally I'm still not watching any porn or have masturbated for a couple of months. Right now, I gain a lot more joy from improving myself (the gym, cooking, planning photo shoots and being with friends).

Remember to be kind to yourself if you fail, because you will. Progress to success is not a linear line to the top. You are already taking action, which you should be proud of.

 

[G.N]

I met my therapist. I told her I have basically fallen apart this week. My diet is absolute ass, I have been binging porn again, obsessing over my hair, and also about my feelings about that one girl.

It is a recurring theme I see through your log: you are constantly beating yourself up. In the end, this is only making things worse for your mental health.

I understand what you are going through. It is hard feeling denied something basic as companionship from the other sex, but the only way to solve this issue is to work on yourself. See the experience with the girl you almost had sex with as proof that you are able to attract women. If you are dating in the western world, not being white should barely be an issue. Hell, it can sometimes even be an advantage. I have experienced both sides of the coin. Of course people have preferences, but that is something you can't change anything about. Just like you can't change that you are magically attracted to that girl you almost lost your virginity to. Focus on what you can control (your body, finance, your behavior)

You are already going to the gym and upgrading your fashion, which are some good first steps you are making. However, what I see is that your relationship with porn is hindering your progress. Something I have experienced myself and managed to gain control over. I want to tell you how I solved it. Maybe this can help you as well.

I have done it all: 30, 90, 150 days no fap / PMO but to no avail. I always returned to my old behavior. What I eventually did wrong, was not handling this behavior like any other addiction. Stopping cold turkey with an addiction is almost never the solution. Drug use, compulsively watching porn and eating disorders are behaviors mostly caused because of an underlying problem. Solving the underlying problem is a multi-step process of really small steps you need to take.

This is what I did to quit my bad relationship with porn.

Porn itself is mostly not the issue. It is the relationship you have with porn that is causing it to be an issue. It is the combination with masturbation and certain negative triggers. The trigger is key here. Start by recognizing the trigger that is causing you to binge porn. In most cases the trigger is a negative feeling like loneliness, failing a test or getting rejected. Next time you experience a negative feeling, try to recognize how you feel (sad, angry, frustrated, etc.) and the reason why you feel it. Start by slowly incorporating the rule that you don't watch porn and/or masturbate when you feel any of these negative feelings. Decoupling negative triggers from certain behaviors is the first and most important step. Don't beat yourself up when you give in a couple of times.

Step two is decoupling porn and masturbation. If you feel a craving, (remember, a negative feeling does not count as a craving) masturbate without the use of porn/pictures/erotica/any audio-visual stimuli. You can use toys if you really want to. If you have none (you sold yours if I remember correctly), use lube and be gentle else you will suffer from deathgrip and your first time will be a disappointment. Trust me on this.

If you catch yourself watching porn or something you normally would use as masturbation material, don't be harsh on yourself. Recognize it for what it is without any judgment. However, don't start touching yourself. Keep your hands from your junk. If it happens it happens. Turn it off when you feel ready and start doing something else. Remember: don't beat yourself up when you give in a couple of times.

Step three is to couple masturbation with one single location. It should be a location you can't use as an excuse to be for all of your day. Like in bed. If for some reason you are unable to get out of bed, do the following: Take your time to wake up. Check-in with your cravings and if you have some, masturbate. However, remember that negative feelings are not cravings. After you are done, clean yourself up, brush your teeth etc. If you still feel tired, don't get back to bed but lay in a chair or on the sofa instead.

Also in this stage, don't actively search for any porn and turn off any material you would normally use for masturbation immediately. Take your time and don't be harsh on yourself if you fail a couple of times.

This took me a couple of months to incorporate. This does not mean that you can never watch any porn ever again. If you feel comfortable you can start by introducing it back slowly, but only on the condition after you did something of value for that day (when you went on a fun date where you didn't pull, worked on you self improvement, etc.). Personally I'm still not watching any porn or have masturbated for a couple of months. Right now, I gain a lot more joy from improving myself (the gym, cooking, planning photo shoots and being with friends).

Remember to be kind to yourself if you fail, because you will. Progress to success is not a linear line to the top. You are already taking action, which you should be proud of.

I think me beating myself up so much is a symptom of realizing how much of my life I spent having no expectations for myself. Once it hit me how much of a loser I was all I wanted was to not be a loser again, and to do what my old self thought I could never do. I did once have an attractive woman ask me out on a date but it never came to be as I stopped talking to her as I found her boring. So even that is proof I am at least somewhat desirable.

I have been having issues with porn again, I have this weird issue where I see it as this sort of "bad omen" in that things don't go my way if I watch it, but that mindset doesn't help prevent relapses, it just preoccupies my mind until I relapse. I also get bad social anxiety if I even spend a few days or more watching porn. Lately I started watching it again to purge my memory of that experience with that girl, but that does not work, I was busy last week and I couldn't be bothered to actually process my emotions but I have been doing a better job of that. Guess it doesn't help last week I did basically nothing self improvement related and only went to the Gym like once.

I started watching porn when I was 13 as a "reward" for when I got home from school. Id get back home around 3-ish and my mom would come back around 4-ish with my brother so I had an hour to myself to watch porn. I hated school at the time so porn gave me a reason to keep going and push through school despite hating it. I think I was a late bloomer in terms of puberty so my sex drive went through the roof when I turned 15 and I started jacking off 7-8 times a day cuz I was so horny. I think after that yeah it was just easy dopamine. All in all porn has just been a cope for me. Whether thats for sadness, anxiety, anger, stress, etc. I haven't been able to assess a "root cause" from this like everyone says there is, maybe its just the fact I am not good with dealing with my emotions?

I have gone like a month and a half without porn before earlier this year but then I relapsed and basically gave up trying to quit over the summer as I wasn't recieving any social benefit from it since I was at home most of the time studying for the MCAT. After the summer I tried to seriously quit again but so far none of my streaks last more than 10 days.

When I feel urges my body just seems to go into autopilot. That may be a challenge when you say I should try to recognize why I am doing this, but Ill give it a shot. When I am on the edge of a relapse usually i start by looking at slightly but clothed provocative pictures of women, then usually I go further till eventually they are naked and then full blown porn videos. When I was off porn I would just masturbate without it, though I find it heavily boring. Initially the sex toys still kept it fun but I felt I got too complacent with not having real sex so I got rid of them to remove any sort of complacency.

My main porn source is reddit, I have it blocked on my computer but I sometimes use it for fashion advice, asking questions on my tutoring clients behalf that I don't get, and a few other assorted things. It honestly feels way easier to give into porn when I have it installed. Even when I delete it, it feels easy to come back to since I use reddit for those two other sources.

I only masturbate in my room so I can just keep it there, no worries on that.

I would love if I could never watch porn again because aside from some short term pleasure it does nothing for me and if anything it reinforces negative feelings I have about myself.

My therapist gave me some contact info of some therapists who work with substance abuse and addiction and I scheduled an appointment for Friday as a 15-minute intro. So hopefully I can get something working there.

Appreciate the wisdom MisterE, Ill do my best to try and incorporate your advice into my life. White knuckling this shit doesn't really get me anywhere.

 

[G.N]

Forgot to update my log on Sunday cuz I got sick all of a sudden. I think I just went outside in way too cold of weather without proper gear so I got hit with a sore throat and a lot of light-headedness which led me to skip the gym on Sunday. I think I am better now except a mild cough, and I have more time so I can go three times this week to the gym.

Been trying some more fits trying to figure out what would work for photos and what doesn't. The black jeans while not the best fit, grey shirt, sleeve roll, and chain absolutely elevated my green jacket imo. I used to wear them with my dark blue jeans but more I think about it ngl it just doesn't work. I think I may prefer black shirt with the green jacket but charcoal is good. I added the fits I have tried below, will eventually include more stuff with the leather jacket. I wore it to dance club yesterday and got a lot of compliments on it. One of my acquaintances said I look like an "80s villain" lol

I also bought myself a starter DSLR, the Canon Rebel XT with a standard lens and all the other goodies. I figure I would start with a cheaper camera and then work my way up to something better if I really get into photography or find myself using a camera a lot. Quite nervous about it as I was beating around the bush about it so much so I wanted to rip the bandaid off and go for it. Costed like 80$ after tax. I am just hoping I truly can get some good pictures with it. If I am lucky itll arrive before thanksgiving break. My fam and I are going to Mexico during the winter break so I could bring it along and practice with it during the trip. Mexico has a lot of cool spots and backgrounds which is great.

I have been having issues with sugar lately, for some reason my self control has gone down. Normally higher sugar cravings I attribute to stress but even after my exams my sugar cravings have still stayed high. I may just be not eating too well.

 

[pancakemouse]

I wore it to dance club yesterday and got a lot of compliments on it. One of my acquaintances said I look like an "80s villain" lol

Is that a compliment? Your entire aesthetic looks dated and makes you look old (30+). You already look old enough as it is, I'm not exactly sure this is a plus.

If you look at what your female contemporaries are lusting over, it's not greasers in leather jackets.

Your fashion is an improvement from what it was, but you have a long way to go.

 

[G.N]

I wore it to dance club yesterday and got a lot of compliments on it. One of my acquaintances said I look like an "80s villain" lol

Is that a compliment? Your entire aesthetic looks dated and makes you look old (30+). You already look old enough as it is, I'm not exactly sure this is a plus.

If you look at what your female contemporaries are lusting over, it's not greasers in leather jackets.

Your fashion is an improvement from what it was, but you have a long way to go.

Me and him tease each other a lot, I am not gonna let one remark ruin me. Its still a good looking jacket. A lot of people here told me to get one too.

A leather jacket doesn't necessarily mean a greaser aesthetic, but I can see how I lean into it a bit too much unintentionally. May try buying a pair of sneakers so I don't always have to buy boots. Currently i am eyeing these. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B093QJNJ9P/ref=twister_B08BN9V242?_encoding=UTF8&th=1&psc=1

 

[G.N]

This week was relatively chill compared to last week. Though I had a Microbiology lab paper due this week I completely forgot about until Wednesday. I bullshitted the rough drafts and still got points for completion, but got absolutely slammed in peer reviews so I had to fix my shit. I spent a ton of time fixing the paper and ironing out even the small flaws. My last Microbio exam I only got an 80 which brought my grade down to a low 85, luckily my last two lab quizzes I got 10/10s on so I am back at an 86.4. At this point I need any points I can get. I really hope I can clutch an A- in this class. Still have one exam, one lab quiz, the lab final, paper, a small project, and the uploaded homework so if I knock everything out I have a chance.

I also got my PBiochem test back and I got a 79.5 (which is like 12% above the average) which I was pretty stunned by because I constantly bitched about this class being too hard but once I took the time to understand the material really deeply and drilled the HW problems, I basically did well on every question except one and lost a few points here and there. The exams are similar-ish to the HW so I feel more confident about doing good on the last exam. The class is curved so if I can get at least a 75 on the final I think I will be in a good spot.

I had a bad situation on Thursday with research though. I have been busy with exams and when I have them coming up I am on my phone a lot doing flashcards and stuff. This week I was doing research for my paper. Basically I try to squeeze out every last minute I can to study. Even during research I do this. I think it comes from my inner thoughts of not really caring about research and only needing the letter of rec. My mentor said this to another one of the grad students in the lab. Later after me and my mentor finished working. This grad student (we will call him B) told me when we were alone in the office that I was on my phone too much and it is disrespectful to do in the lab. I told him I was sorry and that I appreciate him calling me out because I find it difficult to stop my own bad behaviors when I believe I am doing them out of necessity. B also told me how bad it was I was on my laptop during a meeting for the same reason and said 20-30 minutes of not studying won't hurt my grade. He said he understood why I did this and doesn't think I am a bad student because of it, if anything he said he likes that I take my classes so seriously but I have been going about it the wrong way.

This shit had me pretty afraid because the only reason I agreed to research was because i wanted a letter of rec from the professor who runs my lab. Not getting one from her would doom my MSN applications as I need 3 letters for most schools. B mentioned letters of rec too since many undergrads do research for the same reason and said if I don't get good eval I may not get the letter of rec. I wasn't thinking much about eval this semester as my exams have always been a priority for me. Aside from the phone thing I do my job when needed, so really thats the only issue people may have with me. I asked him if I were to fix this now would I still be able to get the letter of rec. He said yes, the first two months don't matter that much because you were getting adjusted. He said he thinks I am a good addition to the lab but this behavior is unacceptable. I said I would change this. I have a presentation for my semester work in December so I NEED to do good on this so my professor holds me in high faith.

I got back to the gym again and I have changed my routine now, I managed to go Tuesday and Wednesday. I plan to do two days upper body and 1 day lower body. I cannot tell if my changed routines have been making a difference but I have felt like my upper body looks slightly "stronger" now. I think I may be finally getting out of my plateau. I think I may have lost some more weight too but not sure. I measured my weight before a workout when I wasn't that hungry and it said 163. I didn't think I would have lost 7 pounds in the past three months since I wasn't the most serious about my diet or logging my calories, but I did take care to meal prep so maybe the lower calories of my meals really made a huge difference. I may go to the gym around I time I feel satiated but not full to get a more accurate read on my true weight.

In terms of mealprep I am searching for more high protein and tasty meals. I have made a list of a few meals that are high in protein I like. Think I will just keep browsing for more to add. I have made a lot of meals I like but a lot of stuff is fried so I had to make a separate list.

Current Routine is:

Tuesday:
->3x Incline Bench Press (6-8)
->4x Chest Dips (6-8)
->3x Flat Bench Dumbell Press (8-10)
->4x Cable Flys (8-12, two sets one angle, two sets another)
->3x Dumbell Pullover (8-12)
->1x Pinch Press (8-10)

Wednesday:
->4x Squats (4-6)
->4x RDLs (6-8)
->3x Leg Press (10-12)
->3x Leg Curl (10-12)
->4x Standing Calf Raises (8-12)

Sunday:
->3x Bench Press (8-10)
->4x Chest Press (10-12)
->3x Barbell Rows (6-8)
->3x Lat Pull downs (8-10)
->3x Dumbell Shoulder Press (8-10)
->3x Hammer Curls (8-10)

Manly Cockfellow feel free to give suggestions to me on if this routine is good or I need to move around, add, or delete exercises.

My eating habits have been a bit better this week but still not amazingly healthy or whatever, better than last week. Still having a lot of sweets and struggling with self control related to sugar. I think I need to get into the habit of logging calories again. At this rate I will be back to 200 pounds. Last week after friendsgiving with a club there was a lot of leftover mac and cheese and since I hate wasting good food I took home a lot. Basically I have been eating that with salmon all week. Well, beats dining hall food at least. Healthy food is so weird, especially snacks. Any tasty snack except for fruits and carrots+hummus is unhealthy as fuck, so the only solution here is my meals satiate me enough I barely need snacks. I know I can eat better, so this change is important to me.

Porn is still a massive struggle. This week I think I only went 2-3 days without it. I think I realize the more I white knuckle this the worse and worse my binges get. In the beginning I could get back on the horse after a single "slip up" but as time goes on it gets harder and harder. Before my streaks were lasting at least 10-11 days, with strong urges hitting around the 5th day. Now its like hard to make even a few days. I miss when quitting porn felt fun. It was still really hard but I enjoyed being alive and felt like I was experiencing a better part of the world. Now every day feels like hell, but I keep on pushing. I think the only reason I want to quit is to lower my social anxiety. Makes dating so much easier. I hate having social anxiety.

What I have been doing to quit has not been working. I have been trying to take @MisterEs advice but now that a bigger part of my stress has died down for a while, I think I only want to watch porn because I am horny. In some cases I realized lately I use it as a form of procrastination like with the paper I turned in yesterday, or as a crutch to get through boring tasks like tedious assignments. I think also reflecting on my dating life has been ticking me off. More on that in a bit. Having reddit makes things worse as well, it was pretty easy initially when I really had no use for it but actually exploring more parts of the site allows you to find subs that are useful. I got some more suggestions on how to style my leather jacket so I look less "greaser".

All of what I have said so far leads me to one statement, and I may have said this before but it is important to say it again.

Nothing in my life will change unless I change

With porn I have done the same thing over and over again only to feel I have made barely any progress. I have learned a lot of knowledge but I don't feel closer to quitting. This is where my disappointment comes in. I have been trying to quit for nearly a year now. I have fought on my own for too long. My current therapist actually recommended me to an addiction therapist. I have to fill out some forms but I did manage to schedule my first session for the week after Thanksgiving break. I need to take this action as soon as possible. I am tired of this endless cycle. I don't want to lose sight of my true goal just because jacking off to porn is fun in the moment and my brain is absolutely flooded with dopamine. Not to mention there is always new stuff to come back to. I think thats another thing that keeps me relapsing, discovering new content and being flooded with even more dopamine due to the novelty.

I have been reflecting pretty hard on my dating life. And I guess it feels like a bad joke right now, another area of dissapointment. Only during the first week of being on dating apps I actually went on dates. I have had dates planned after that but either they unmatch me before the date or trap me in a loop of reschedules. All those first three dates were with girls I didn't find attractive much at all and their personalities weren't super amazing or whatever so its not like the date was a ton of fun. But its still good experience. I am still somewhat ticked about that one girl and me not getting it up for her. Plus the vaginismus thing annoyed me since it seems to just be mega random and can happen even if a woman has had sex before. I was for a bit pitying myself for a while how I must be ugly since this is the best I can do right now. But that isn't true since I have a myriad of issues I need to fix. I know I am not ugly, so this thinking is just unhelpful. I am mostly kinda over it because all I want right now is to transform into a way cooler version of myself so stupid shit like that doesn't happen again.

I also haven't been cold approaching much at all the past month. I just don't really know what to do, but I think something is wrong with me. I think I have done like nearly 80 or so approaches this semester (idk the number, I lost count) and I haven't gotten even one date, maybe one potential hookup but you guys know that story. The only two in person dates I got were with warm approaches last semester. This rate feels too low. I have been trying to narrow down causes, but who knows if these are the real reasons. Either its because my fashion sense makes me too regular, I don't flirt at all, or I just don't give off a cool vibe yet. Idk if I should give it more thought, maybe I should just get out there and try to variate how I approach a little bit. Maybe I should try flirting a little regardless and if the girl backs off I should respect it.

Having a lot of room to improve is a really good thing right now, means I can feel a significantly larger rush of boosted self esteem when I make big strides. Like buying new boots/jacket or matching with cuter girls. Stuff like that makes me feel like a fucking badass. Even with my newer profile I do match with cuter girls, my old one got me 5s at best.

I think a lot of my disappointment comes from the fact I feel I haven't taken enough action as I should. But I can change this, and I think now I have taken some action. I sought out a new therapist, have been buying new clothes, bought a DLSR camera, and changed up my gym routine.

I am slowly getting to where I want to be. With the semester winding down I think I will just focus on doing well in school and transforming myself. I think I can do a few more thought out approaches to figure out what I can do better.

 

[G.N]

I miss the fucking days when i had intense porn cravings. That shit was energy and energy is power. It just has to be properly directed. These days I am totally nofap but it's easy for me honestly. I have zero cravings. But I miss the intense cravings sometimes. I don't have them anymore at my advanced age (lol). It's called killer instinct and if you learn to properly use it at your age it will help your game tremendously. Or just blow it all away on a computer screen, alone, in your room. It's your choice man.

I think I fucked up by stopping cold approaching, the social anxiety I felt was good motivation to stay away from the stuff.

 

[G.N]

And yea porn addiction also does weaken your brain and contribute to social anxiety and just makes you less able to vibe with / interact with people in general. it fucks up your natural social instincts for whatever reason. Probably due to impairing various neurotransmitter function like dopamine. I am way less socially anxious than in the past, it's hard to explain but my nerves are just alot more "solid" like I'm not as awkward or tense as easily or as intensely as I used to be. I'm sure quitting porn isn't the only cause of that but it's a big part of it. I know this cause if I relapsed right now I would immediately feel the negative side effects, regardless of my experience or successes up til now. it's literally just your biology and even the best dude is going to suffer if you change it.

You need to rewire your brain ideally if you can back to where it's in a healthy balance of pursuing and getting dopamine from real life instead of shit like porn and video games. That's how I'm able to stay so motivated and intense and aggressive these days. Cause my brain biology is dialed into real life success now instead of jacking off.

Instant gratification has been screwing my brain up and it makes me kinda irrational the more I think about it. I get upset when things take longer to do. I just want my brain to enjoy the process rather than only think about the destination.

 

[Vice]

College is best done with social circle and setting up your life to run into lots of women naturally.

Join clubs related to things you’re interested in. That’ll pay massive dividends.

 

[G.N]

College is best done with social circle and setting up your life to run into lots of women naturally.

Join clubs related to things you’re interested in. That’ll pay massive dividends.

thats where I messed up, I didn't join much of any clubs till my third year. First year covid was a problem, second year was pretty much my fault. I met a lot of cool people through those clubs though and talked to a lot of girls there too. I kinda have a circle but some members stopped coming to the club I actually have a group in so now its just me and two to three other dudes.

 

[Squilliam]

Instant gratification has been screwing my brain up and it makes me kinda irrational the more I think about it. I get upset when things take longer to do. I just want my brain to enjoy the process rather than only think about the destination.

Not sure if you read my log recently, but I really recommend the book Dopamine Nation. Helps you understand the consequences of chasing quick pleasures and how the pain/pleasure system in the brain works

 

[G.N]

I had my consultation this morning for the gyno surgery. They told me they would make an incision on the lateral side of my body so that the scar won't be as prominent. I said cool. Only thing thats gonna suck about the surgery is no gym or physical activity for a month. I gotta wear a vest that whole month too and there is a 50% chance I may have a tube inserted into where that scar is that drains excess fluid or some shit. Really hope I don't gotta deal with that but even then its only for a week.

The surgery is not covered by my insurance as he is using a liposuction technique to get rid of the excess tissue. This surgery will cost like 10k or so. I am talking about the finances with my family and so far they don't seem opposed to it.

Likely I will get the surgery summer 2024. I wanted to get it during my winter break but my family wants to go on vacation and they don't want my surgery getting in the way.

Good news though my weight is down to 163 pounds. My mom thinks I am getting too skinny lol. I at least wanna hit 160 pounds, maybe 155, then go and focus on getting even more lean.

 

[G.N]

Instant gratification has been screwing my brain up and it makes me kinda irrational the more I think about it. I get upset when things take longer to do. I just want my brain to enjoy the process rather than only think about the destination.

Not sure if you read my log recently, but I really recommend the book Dopamine Nation. Helps you understand the consequences of chasing quick pleasures and how the pain/pleasure system in the brain works

took a quick peek, I will go look it up.

Found a PDF, now I just need to stick to reading it daily.

 

[G.N]

As of late I have been filled with a severe amount of dread about the future after college. As the semester is winding down for me I think I have been getting hit with a severe amount of dread about the future. I think I worry a ton that dating is going to be super tough and I wont have as much access to a high volume of women. I know this is not true though as most members here who get women regularly are not in college. If anything I have heard it can be easier since 18+ year old girls usually prefer guys 3-4 years older than them. Hell not being in uni doesn’t mean I lose access to college aged women. If I move somewhere where there is a big university nearby then that would work for abundance.

Honestly maybe dating isn’t why I’m worried. I think I just feel disappointed college didn’t pan out the way I had hoped. Don’t get me wrong I found uni fun but I guess I just wanted a lot more. Covid fucked up my first year and I struggled with aspergers pretty heavy as a result so I felt robbed of good connections that make up the “college experience”. I did attempt to make friends on my dorm floor still but none of them really stuck around long term. My second year was mainly fucked because I became a recluse as a result of not doing well academically. I wanted good grades so I cast everything aside to do that. I got pretty decent grades my second year but I felt relatively lonely. I did meet a few people here and there but two of them graduated and the third I lost contact with due to a stupid reason. I only was able to make a few long term friends in my third year but a lot of the people I know are just acquaintances. I still don’t feel like I am very close with these friends but I still consider them friends. I think that’s my biggest source of dread right now, making friends after college. Everyone laments how hard it is and this shit scares me. At the same time both my parents said that their closest friends they met after college. So maybe it’s not all bad. College is only 4 years of 75-80, so doubt it will be the script of my entire life.

In terms of money I have been really anxious. I basically have no spending money for myself left and I really want to buy a new camera lens. My tutoring client hasn’t called me up for another session but maybe it’s cuz he just had a midterm plus he probably wants an Ochem free thanksgiving break. I am hoping he calls for me again after the break since after break and maybe another week he will probably have his final. Part of me worries his mom doesn’t want him to see me as his tutor cuz maybe I’m not getting him the results he needs. Tbf tho as a tutor I can only do so much. I can only make the material easier to understand, he has to practice when I am not around.

At this point in time I’m trying to scrounge up whatever money I can get. I have some pants I haven’t worn much so I am trying to sell those along with some other stuff. I may have some old basketball shoes I can sell too. I may try to pick up a second client for tutoring.

I hate being hit with these periods of worrying about the future. I can only really control the present and if I do that well enough then the future may pan out a bit better.

I guess this kinda post isn’t suited to this forum since we are supposed to take action. But idk what to do when my mind is a mess like this worried about something I can’t entirely control.

I’ve been kind of realizing something about the way I do things and I kinda understand why I have reacted to criticism by you guys here the way I have, especially I think some time back when I was setting up my OLD profiles. It tracks back to this weird need I feel to try and take advantage of the abundance of women in college. I got so in my head about the possibility I won’t have that abundance ever again that I wanted to get myself and my profile to a point where I do a good job appealing to college girls and hopefully get laid enough that I am satisfied. I think I had a bad reaction to the criticism on my profile that one time because if I had to update the photos I would take far more time, and plus I am in my final year of uni so I don’t have much time left. I keep wanting to get to where I want to be as fast as possible and I think it’s just not doable. These things take time, I need to work on accepting it and enjoying the process instead of obsessing over the destination.

Like getting good photos for OLD takes a lot of work, so does building muscle, getting good at cold approach, etc. I am currently trying to learn how to use my new camera and it’s difficult as there’s a lot out there but there is also a large reservoir of knowledge. I’ve been learning new things here and there about important settings. I’m kinda getting somewhere, but as I keep learning I want to enjoy just taking photos of random shit before I try actual OLD photos. I took a few photos of my apartment surroundings and I thought they looked nice, but it’s a bit hard to tell as my LCD is tiny so the images look kinda pixelated.

I think maybe the reason I want stuff so quickly is because my brain is so rotted from instant gratification. Especially my generation that’s what everyone wants, probably one of the most difficult things to manage today. Everyone has their own form of that poison. For me it’s junk food and porn. Staying away from porn for a longer period of time should help with this.

I came back home to my family in California as of yesterday. I also saw my brother as he came home as well. We have been talking a lot more about dating and he told me he also downloaded Hinge. He also tried Bumble but said that its just basic white girls he doesn't like. I checked out his profile and holy fuck this dude gets a fuck ton of matches and likes. Crazy part is though its like mostly bisexual women. Really attractive women too like regularly 6-7s with a few 8s and 9s. They are usually asian, white, mixed, or hispanic. It makes sense though as he has a polarizing archetype and stands out from the crowd. Makes more sense why my profile doesn't do well. Hell one time me and him went out and he was getting a good amount of attention because of his style, from cute girls as well. I got nothing cuz I just look like a regular dude.

In a sense I am kinda jealous but when I contextualize how he has put in like 3 years of self improvement work into this, his results are deserved. It wasn't overnight, he worked for everything. Despite his height and race he still dominates. I am proud of this mf, and he doesn't try to rub it in my face. I appreciate how humble he is.

I really have two options. One I can complain about how I get no results and compare myself to my brother. Or two I can use this as motivation that I can succeed and work towards making myself look cool as fuck so I can get a high volume of matches and likes as well. Once I get my camera lens and some more new clothes me and my brother will probably just travel around the bay area shooting pictures. Plus being home I can get some dog photos too. There are OLD studies out there saying the most attractive photos on the apps are good dog photos (and then shirtless ones too).

 

[Squilliam]

I can totally relate to the fears about post-college transition. But these fears are actually quite unfounded.

First of all, as you said, women tend to prefer at least slightly older men. There are plenty of guys on here who are 25-30+ who are banging college aged girls. And I can say from personal experience that as I've gotten older, my dating pool has only gotten larger. At 23 I have a wider age range of girls willing to date me, probably 18-25 or so, whereas when I was 19, I basically only got mostly 18-19 year olds. You don't need to worry about being too old for college girls until you're like 30 or 35+ IMO. And even then, you can still find college aged girls that'd be into you. Look at Zug, he's like 42 and he's still banging 20 year olds.

It does take more effort to meet people post college. That is absolutely true. You do have to make an effort to ask people to hang out, get their contact info, etc. The biggest tip I can give you is to go to the same meetups/events that are regularly held. People have a positive bias towards familiarity when trying to make friends.

When you're in middle/high school, you make friends much more easily. Know why that is? It's the familiarity. You're in the same place every day, interacting with the same people every day.

The same thing is true in environments outside of school. You might not feel comfortable trying to befriend complete strangers, but if you go to the same meetups over and over again, you'll notice that it becomes a lot more comfortable.

One thing I would suggest, if you aren't planning on it already, is to move to a city. It's way harder to be social and meet lots of girls in a suburb. If you study hard in school I imagine you will be able to find a well paying job in a decent sized city.

With regards to all of the FOMO and feelings that you "wasted" college, I can relate. But at the end of the day, college is only a small part of your life, as you said. For me personally, college was a major period of personal development and becoming more mature. It's a time where you gain lots of life experience and learn many important lessons. The truth is, I think our 20s are a bit overhyped. We're shown all these Heineken ads and think that our 20s will be like a movie. The naive stupid thoughts I had as a teenager about what college/20s would be like make me cringe so hard now.

I don't have the personal experience to back this up so maybe some older members can chime in on this, but I think many people would say that their 30s or late 20s is when they really started to enjoy life more, there is a lot thrown at you when you're in your early 20s. Just my two cents.

 

[G.N]

I can totally relate to the fears about post-college transition. But these fears are actually quite unfounded.

First of all, as you said, women tend to prefer at least slightly older men. There are plenty of guys on here who are 25-30+ who are banging college aged girls. And I can say from personal experience that as I've gotten older, my dating pool has only gotten larger. At 23 I have a wider age range of girls willing to date me, probably 18-25 or so, whereas when I was 19, I basically only got mostly 18-19 year olds. You don't need to worry about being too old for college girls until you're like 30 or 35+ IMO. And even then, you can still find college aged girls that'd be into you. Look at Zug, he's like 42 and he's still banging 20 year olds.

It does take more effort to meet people post college. That is absolutely true. You do have to make an effort to ask people to hang out, get their contact info, etc. The biggest tip I can give you is to go to the same meetups/events that are regularly held. People have a positive bias towards familiarity when trying to make friends.

When you're in middle/high school, you make friends much more easily. Know why that is? It's the familiarity. You're in the same place every day, interacting with the same people every day.

The same thing is true in environments outside of school. You might not feel comfortable trying to befriend complete strangers, but if you go to the same meetups over and over again, you'll notice that it becomes a lot more comfortable.

One thing I would suggest, if you aren't planning on it already, is to move to a city. It's way harder to be social and meet lots of girls in a suburb. If you study hard in school I imagine you will be able to find a well paying job in a decent sized city.

With regards to all of the FOMO and feelings that you "wasted" college, I can relate. But at the end of the day, college is only a small part of your life, as you said. For me personally, college was a major period of personal development and becoming more mature. It's a time where you gain lots of life experience and learn many important lessons. The truth is, I think our 20s are a bit overhyped. We're shown all these Heineken ads and think that our 20s will be like a movie. The naive stupid thoughts I had as a teenager about what college/20s would be like make me cringe so hard now.

I don't have the personal experience to back this up so maybe some older members can chime in on this, but I think many people would say that their 30s or late 20s is when they really started to enjoy life more, there is a lot thrown at you when you're in your early 20s. Just my two cents.

I think my fears come from other people who think life just sucked after college. But life is really what you make of it. Most likely I will be miserable if I don't try to live a good life and just accept a mundane existence of wake up, work, then come home and sleep.

I am 21, so 18-21 year olds is like my primary range. Women rarely date younger. Damn fuckin shame because my best cold approach experience so far was this 29 year old blonde Egyptian cutie (who looked 23) and I got the vibe she was more interested in me than I was in her but ultimately I was rejected due to the age difference. But I guess its not all bad, since women do like older guys and I am still quite young. I don't care about banging 20 somethings when I am 40 (No shade towards Zug , dude is mad goated and he is really wise). I really only want a few decent lays and then a gf because I value intimacy. Having a gf I genuinely love and don't settle for has been a big goal of mine way before I started self improvement and still stands high for me.

I think as long as I am in a big city there will always be things I can do to meet people. Humans are social creatures so its more than likely there are many others seeking connections as well. I get a little bit scared about the future too cuz I hear all these articles about how lonely everyone is. Especially men, and I feel bad for them but I don't want to end up like them. I want to be better. My mom made most of her friends at work and my dad when he did his MBA, its not over for me just cuz college friends wise things didn't go my way.

But you are right, friendships cannot be forced. They just develop. All my friends we just vibed out till we realized we truly enjoy each others time. This is another form of delayed gratification I need to work on.

After college I am applying for a Masters, mainly going to stay in Cali so hopefully I can stay in or near a decent sized city. I agree with you about college. I matured a lot during this time as well. I learned how to look after myself and I definitely realized a lot about myself. Plus I felt like I wasn't trapped in the academic hellhole that was my high school.

My mom always says whenever I complain about how stressful life is currently that if I work my butt off now I will be able to enjoy later, and that is probably true. Again, delayed gratification.

 

[Squilliam]

I think as long as I am in a big city there will always be things I can do to meet people. Humans are social creatures so its more than likely there are many others seeking connections as well. I get a little bit scared about the future too cuz I hear all these articles about how lonely everyone is. Especially men, and I feel bad for them but I don't want to end up like them. I want to be better. My mom made most of her friends at work and my dad when he did his MBA, its not over for me just cuz college friends wise things didn't go my way.

Ignore the media, and most of the stuff on social media regarding this topic. They only care about clicks, and they want to start shit and controversy. They don't put out stuff that is uplifting, because that doesn't ruffle feathers and get the kind of attention they want.

You have to remember that the men that are successful and not lonely, are not wasting their time bitching on social media or reddit about their lives. They're out having fun. While competition is increasing these days, there is still a good portion of men who do not put in any effort, who don't care to put in the work. In that sense, it's not hard to stand out if you're willing to put in the work.

Something helpful to remember, that I've tried to tell myself, is that you're not at the end of your journey, quite the contrary. Your life is only beginning now. It's easy to become hopeless and think that this is the end, but in reality, it's just the beginning.

 

[ThePermanentFix]

I had my consultation this morning for the gyno surgery

I'm interested in following this mate. I feel like I might need it down the track as well

 

[G.N]

I think as long as I am in a big city there will always be things I can do to meet people. Humans are social creatures so its more than likely there are many others seeking connections as well. I get a little bit scared about the future too cuz I hear all these articles about how lonely everyone is. Especially men, and I feel bad for them but I don't want to end up like them. I want to be better. My mom made most of her friends at work and my dad when he did his MBA, its not over for me just cuz college friends wise things didn't go my way.

Ignore the media, and most of the stuff on social media regarding this topic. They only care about clicks, and they want to start shit and controversy. They don't put out stuff that is uplifting, because that doesn't ruffle feathers and get the kind of attention they want.

You have to remember that the men that are successful and not lonely, are not wasting their time bitching on social media or reddit about their lives. They're out having fun. While competition is increasing these days, there is still a good portion of men who do not put in any effort, who don't care to put in the work. In that sense, it's not hard to stand out if you're willing to put in the work.

Something helpful to remember, that I've tried to tell myself, is that you're not at the end of your journey, quite the contrary. Your life is only beginning now. It's easy to become hopeless and think that this is the end, but in reality, it's just the beginning.

thats a good point, I have a tendency to feel weird when I try to block out negativity. I found this community on reddit called r/asianmasculinity and thought it would be helpful for maybe getting tips on how to navigate dating and shit as an asian guy but the whole sub is just victim mentality, self-hating, and basically ranting about how white women won't date them. They also talk about how asian women are terrible and shit cuz some date white men. I get the vibe people don't like them because of their complex around being asian rather than them being asian. Needless to say I left the subreddit but still feel like I have to "participate" because I am asian trying to become comfortable in my masculinity.

Second paragraph great point as well, reddit attracts a lot of losers and losers always have loser mentality. I would much rather have a winner mentality.

That is one thing I tell myself too, I can never consider this hopeless until and unless I am on my deathbed and despite all my effort I achieved nothing. I have time, its a good thing I discovered self improvement at 20 and not 30.

 

[G.N]

I went to the mall with my younger brother on Wednesday. I had a lot of fun. We first went to have lunch at my favorite ramen spot. Bangin as always. We also had to return a couple of things my mom bought from Talbots. She couldn't come as she was very sick. After the returns I picked up a bunch of stuff. I think I am pretty happy with what I bought. Also got some new shoes I think would be great for more casual fits.

Overall I picked up two more jeans (actually 3 but accidentally grabbed the wrong size for the grey jeans), six t-shirts (included how they fit in picture), and a new bomber jacket.

I also tried on a trench coat from Zara, you guys lmk what you think. It was like 200$ so I didn't pick it up.