GN's Progress Log - Self-Love Arc: A bit better this week + Physique Update

[G.N]

4/1

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 3052 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 136g
->Today's Protein Intake: 190g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/2

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 3015 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 115g
->Today's Protein Intake: 157g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

4/3

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 3000 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 130g
->Today's Protein Intake: 189g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: No

4/4

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 3335 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 141g
->Today's Protein Intake: 165g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: No

4/5

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2433 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 94g
->Today's Protein Intake: 119g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:

New pfp who dis. I spent some time last Sunday trying to take new headshots as I didn't have a good replacement for the old one. I forgot my tripod back in California so I had to use some stuff I carry with me to make a makeshift stand. The lighting was great and after using faceapp a bit, I got a good usable shot. Threw it into PF and it got an 8+. Gonna buy a new tripod for some weekend reshooting and return it before I go back to California.

Im becoming more consistent with taking care of my skin, especially sunscreen use. I used to hate sunscreen but I found a brand I like and it turns out even non-sunny days can still give your skin UV damage. Morning skincare is easy but I am still not entirely used to doing skincare right before bed, although it is important because I apply retinaldehyde then or exfoliate with lactic acid. I am getting better with it though. My skin is one of my biggest sticking points with SMV so taking care of that should help. My mom has told me my skin is looking slightly better but it will take maybe 6 months to a year to see very noticeable changes.

Reaching and exceeding my protein intake hasn't been all that hard for me, but hitting calories is sometimes. Last week was kinda rough because I was focusing a lot on my exams and I wasn't working out all that much, I guess to me I didn't feel comfortable eating as much if I wasn't putting the extra protein and all to good use.

Still struggling heavily with being more consistent about cold approach, could also just be the bad weather here making outside sets harder. Most people outside are just rushing to get inside. Its fucking April yet its cold and wind as shit here in the Midwest. My best bet is approaching in cafes and department stores, my only obstacle there is general AA. Can't wait to get the fuck outta here.

EDIT: I initially said I was gonna make a separate entry for the singles mixer but I think I will just appendage it here. I also had a longer post planned but figured it was kind of useless so I will just shorten it to the important bits.

The mixer was at 6 at a bowling alley. I got there and felt really fucking anxious cuz I thought I stuck out like a sore thumb due to my age. I spent a bit of time scoping out the area just seeing what the scene was looking like. The anxiety got really overwhelming to the point I went to the bathroom and took a breather to calm myself down. I wanted to leave, but I told myself I couldn't and that I need to see this through. I got back out there and talked to these two ladies despite them both looking much older. In total I talked up 6 women that night and got 1 number. Two of them probably don't entirely count because they kind of blew me off by being omega-dry in conversation. Overall it was an interesting experience but I would rather go more often if I was at least in my mid 20s.

Interestingly enough the best thing I got out of that night was meeting another brown guy who has been taking dating pretty seriously. He had a good vibe and seemed really chill, and he is the same person I went daygaming with on Sunday. I gave him some tips on Hinge pics and stuff and told him he could shoot me a message any time he needed advice.

 

[G.N]

4/6

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2252 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 88g
->Today's Protein Intake: 90g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/7

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 3/3
->Today's Calories: 3038 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 113g
->Today's Protein Intake: 181g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:

I was supposed to have a date on Saturday but at the last minute she told me she had expired tags and since she drives a slightly modified car, her getting pulled over with expired tags would mean her car gets impounded. She ended up canceling last minute and basically groveled to me saying she is sorry and a bunch of other stuff. She flaked on me before because of a hair appointment and promised to pay for my food when we met. At this point I am learning to not really take what women say seriously until and unless they prove to me their words and actions match up. Hell honestly that could apply to anyone I meet tbh.

On Sunday I met up with a guy I met at the singles mixer. The day before I asked if he wanted to daygame with me around 3-ish since I would be free then, and he said sure. We met up near my apartment and walked around campus as well as the closeby street. We talked a bit about cold approach while we were walking and he described his experiences with it. He deals with pretty bad AA and sometimes its like 3 hours before he is able to go up to a girl. I said no shame in that because many ppl deal with AA, but a majority don't even try to overcome it. I did also learn that he did have a 6-month fling with a girl he cold approached and said the sex was really fucking good, but also mentioned how since it happened kinda early into his cold approach journey it gave him unrealistic expectations of CA for a while. A couple of times while we were walking I tried to be a second pair of eyes and point out possible sets he could do, but I did see him pussy out. I don't know if maybe I should do more to encourage him to just go do it anyways, or just let it play out. He also said a couple of times the missed sets were "not his type". I told him when you aren't very experienced with cold approach you should just try to approach any available girl thats at least a low 5 or so, which is what I do. He said that I shouldn't take him seriously when he says that because he is just "coping" although it is occasionally true.

When it came to what I did during the sesh I did 5 sets while the other guy did 2. First set I thought she looked like a student from a distance but looked much older when I went up to her, wanted to back out but I was like "welp i am already here might as well finish what I started". I also stepped out of my comfort zone in terms of openers. Decided to just say "Hey, I saw you while I was walking past and thought you were cute so I just wanted to say Hey". I asked her her name and all and then she tells me she isn't interested since she has a daughter. I leave kindly, no issues there. Second set was some girl I saw walking to the library, same opener as the first, but got blown off really hard cuz she had somewhere to be. Third set was another girl walking past, said "thank you" kindly when I called her cute but she told me she had a bf and wasn't interested. Fourth set was a girl I saw idling near a crosswalk. I was talking her up nicely but some dudes drove past and interrupted us. I got mad anxious that that was her bf or someone she is close with in the car as they knew her name, so I aborted that set. Fifth and last set was some dirty blonde I stopped while she was walking in the opposite direction. I would say this is my best set of the day as we had some decent conversation+she was really sweet before she told me she had to go somewhere. I asked for her number since I had the opportunity but she said no thanks and that she had a bf. It was getting close to when I needed to go do some work, but I was happy that I ended the session on a high note.

Another thing that felt great for this session was I felt I was providing value to him as he told me a lot how my sets were good and that I was being very proactive. He did also give me some social feedback as I had a tendency to point towards girls when I spotted an available set, he said that can scare them off. Understandable. I did try my best to encourage him for his sets and that he had his beliefs reinforced with me that CA isn't weird like some other ppl try to make it seem.

After the session I did some school work and then went out and decided to take some pictures for my Hinge profile. Nothing came out super great tbh but I think I got some ok shots I can use as filler until I get something better. Its getting pretty busy on my end now so I may have to park taking photos until I get back to cali in which case I can ask my brother to use my camera. Or I can ask this guy I met if he and I wanted to take photos of each other. After that I picked up dinner and went to the gym, didn't finish my routine as it was getting super late but I did the major exercises at least.

 

[pancakemouse]

Another thing that felt great for this session was I felt I was providing value to him as he told me a lot how my sets were good and that I was being very proactive. He did also give me some social feedback as I had a tendency to point towards girls when I spotted an available set, he said that can scare them off. Understandable. I did try my best to encourage him for his sets and that he had his beliefs reinforced with me that CA isn't weird like some other ppl try to make it seem.

How we do it in NYC:

<subtle head nod>
"Is that you? Green pants."

We also use the pronoun "it" for girls instead of "she" to avoid attracting attention.

"It was unreceptive" / "It was moving too fast"

 

[G.N]

Another thing that felt great for this session was I felt I was providing value to him as he told me a lot how my sets were good and that I was being very proactive. He did also give me some social feedback as I had a tendency to point towards girls when I spotted an available set, he said that can scare them off. Understandable. I did try my best to encourage him for his sets and that he had his beliefs reinforced with me that CA isn't weird like some other ppl try to make it seem.

How we do it in NYC:

<subtle head nod>
"Is that you? Green pants."

We also use the pronoun "it" for girls instead of "she" to avoid attracting attention.

"It was unreceptive" / "It was moving too fast"

Thats a much less dorky opener so I'll use it. May be even better if she has something unique about her like something about her outfit or whatever.

Good idea on the pronoun, I think I may have drawn too much attention and pushed away some potential sets back then so Ill keep this in mind and let my buddy know too.

 

[G.N]

4/8

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 3133 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 133g
->Today's Protein Intake: 163g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

4/9

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 3047 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 101g
->Today's Protein Intake: 136g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/10

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 3014 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 113g
->Today's Protein Intake: 173g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: No

Notes:

I have a horrible confession to make. I relapsed to porn after nearly 4 months clean. I thought I was done for good and was so happy to be free back when I finished EasyPeasy back in late December, but it doesn't seem like it lasted. I have been having bad urges since the weekend but I also made the mistake of not telling anyone because I was so in denial. I felt like if I told anyone they would be disappointed as I thought all this time I led others to believe I kicked the addiction for good and came out victorious. All I could seem to tell myself was that I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I was supposed to see porn as useless and not valuable.

It is just strange because in most stressful scenarios, even when I lost all my notes for two classes I had exams coming up in + a homework assignment due the next morning, I didn't feel the urge to watch porn. It didn't even occur to me, my thoughts would solely consist of thinking of how to fix my current situation. In this case though I had a situation with a girl I matched with that left me super confused and shitty. Again I didn't feel like talking about it here because I thought it would just be seen as stupid and I would get cooked but it is relevant to my progress and life so I will take the cooking.

I matched with this one girl on Bumble over spring break and we started talking. I thought she was decently attractive and figured I would try to get a date w/ her before I left back for uni, but it wasn't successful due to my shitty logistics. I thought I would just have to play the long game now and see if I can do it over summer since my semester was <1.5 months from ending. The conversations we had were really fun and interesting and we texted a lot to the point we would probs sleep at like 1-2AM. Eventually we started talking about deeper topics and she mentioned some really dark shit about her past (not hoe shit, its about her family and other stuff). She became more comfortable being vulnerable with me and I felt like I could be myself around her too. Emotionally I was beginning to think we had a great connection as I felt really happy every time I talked with her and she was really supportive. A lot of the time support from others feels surface level but not from her, since we had some similar struggles growing up I think she understood what true support meant. We also facetimed a few times. Some time into us talking we started talking about intimacy and later it got incredibly sexual. She started sending me pictures of herself to me and I sent some too in return. Needless to say I thought her body was really fucking hot because she had a nice ass and perky tits with just the right amount of thiccness everywhere else. I saved the pictures she sent me in a hidden file and whenever I felt like masturbating in my room I did it to her pictures, figured it would be better than my imagination. She was making plans and sorting logistics to fly out to see me in April once my finals ended so I was sure we would fuck eventually, therefore I thought it wasn't a big deal to beat it to her pictures. Overall I became really emotionally invested in her because she seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in a long term partner plus I found her really attractive physically. She was planning to come back to Cali for a month during the summer so I figured we could spend a lot of time together during that month. She expressed to me how she wanted to be monogamous with me but she's a sophomore in college so if we did we would be long distance for roughly 2 years, but could see each other during holidays. This had me really conflicted though because I felt like I would be a weak person deciding to do an LDR for a bit. I also was in an LDR before that failed (tbf tho I was a teenager at the time) so I was again in denial telling myself I am not supposed to care about her and I am just supposed to fuck her until she ghosts me or I ghost her. The other side of the coin was that I wasn't afraid of her cheating on me since that seems to be a massive point of contention of long distance. I had this belief because from her insta profile and what she has told me, she doesn't have any male friends and generally doesn't trust most men because of how her father and his side of the family treated her growing up. She did tell me a bunch of stuff about how much she loves that I make her feel safe and that she could be herself. Maybe it was all just a big lie?

About a month after we matched and everything seems fine, I check my insta and find that she blocked me. I thought it was a glitch for a while but after enough messing with instagram I had to accept she just blocked me. I have been speculating as to why. It could be that I was too vulnerable with her because she told me some really dark shit and I figured my own stuff wasn't as much comparatively. She also expressed how she hoped I wouldn't judge her for what she went through because she has met people who have. One time she said her ex-bf told her how she deserved how her dad treated her growing up. Maybe she also didn't entirely trust me and figured I only wanted to fuck her. Or she felt too ashamed of sexting me and blocked me to avoid the source of said shame. Again I pushed down my emotions because I thought being sad over someone I never met blocking me felt stupid.

But since she blocked me and now I probably won't be able to meet her, I believed the right thing to do was to delete the sexy pictures+nudes she sent me because if I kept beating to them, it would just be no better than watching porn. It was hard but I deleted all of them. So thats where I think the relapse had its foundation, I had a difficult time adjusting to masturbating without any material so maybe my brain was just craving a source or idea of sexual intimacy again? It was probably also a mixture of missing the emotional connection aspect of her which made the sexual stuff feel more exciting to me.

Either way this is horrible, I started rereading EasyPeasy and I intend to read at least 30 minutes a day as of yesterday until I finish. I am also gonna try to unpack this situation and get to the bottom of why this of all things caused me to relapse. I could just talk to my therapist, or contact that CSAT therapist I met a couple of times before I finished EasyPeasy the first (or second, I am kinda forgetting). Maybe I already got my answer though, but I don't want it to happen again and neither do I want to self pity a bunch about this. I have to move on.

 

[Adrizzle]

Oi dawg this is really important. Don’t beat yourself up too much about all of this. Is actually kinda good if you zoom out a bit.

You abstained from porn for nearly 4 months! When have you done that before? Just work on trying again and see if you can beat your previous time.

With the girl idk if there anything you can do better. Like shit happens man. You probably never know exact why/what happened. Do you think you learnt anything about emotional investing in girls?

On the nudes yeah do what you want. I keep them as lil trophies, I know not to access them even semi regularly cos it can fuck ya Brian

 

[pancakemouse]

How we do it in NYC:

<subtle head nod>
"Is that you? Green pants."

We also use the pronoun "it" for girls instead of "she" to avoid attracting attention.

"It was unreceptive" / "It was moving too fast"

Thats a much less dorky opener so I'll use it. May be even better if she has something unique about her like something about her outfit or whatever.

Good idea on the pronoun, I think I may have drawn too much attention and pushed away some potential sets back then so Ill keep this in mind and let my buddy know too.

Oh. Just for clarification, that is what we say to each other, not the girl.

 

[G.N]

Oi dawg this is really important. Don’t beat yourself up too much about all of this. Is actually kinda good if you zoom out a bit.

You abstained from porn for nearly 4 months! When have you done that before? Just work on trying again and see if you can beat your previous time.

With the girl idk if there anything you can do better. Like shit happens man. You probably never know exact why/what happened. Do you think you learnt anything about emotional investing in girls?

On the nudes yeah do what you want. I keep them as lil trophies, I know not to access them even semi regularly cos it can fuck ya Brian

I think the reason I am beating myself up over it is because I pledged to myself I would never watch porn again. The book I read said that I should do that after I had my last session. The slippery slope of instagram may have also contributed. I am still in the process of un-fucking my feed so occasionally I see content I shouldn't be looking at like Onlyfans girls. When I was talking with her I just felt no interest in other girls so even seeing a 10/10 model just made me go "meh" and scroll past. Ofc when she blocked me I started craving the connection again which made the occasional ig model post that came up have more of an effect on me and I wouldn't scroll off as fast as usual. I did delete IG off my phone when I realized this but it didn't really change my cravings.

You are right though that nearly 4 months is a milestone compared to my second longest which is only a month long.

I think I could have been a bit too vulnerable about myself early on and I did probably project some concern as a result of some frustration over the distance to her and she might have gotten scared off as a result, or figured I am not serious about her and I am putting on an act.

Emotional investment I am not sure as this was just super spontaneous, its not like I consciously choose to start emotionally investing in someone, ofc you can consciously choose to stop emotionally investing in someone. If there are any takeaways I can get from this it is that I just don't want to invest into girls who live too far away for me anymore.

I was considering keeping the pics cuz they were hot af but it didn't feel right to me in the back of my head. I think I made the right choice but idc if others would keep them in my situation, barring that they don't use it as revenge porn.

 

[G.N]

4/11

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 2675 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 97g
->Today's Protein Intake: 139g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

4/12

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: Uncountable
->Today's Sugar intake: Uncountable
->Today's Protein Intake: Uncountable
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/13

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 3/3
->Today's Calories: 829
->Today's Sugar intake: 51g
->Today's Protein Intake: 21g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/14

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 3/3
->Today's Calories: 3063
->Today's Sugar intake: 139g
->Today's Protein Intake: 210g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:

Friday calories are a bit of a doozy to count because I went to KBBQ with a friend and we ate a lot there. It was a fun time though but the next day I didn't feel like eating anything and my stomach hurt the first half of the day. Probably cuz also at KBBQ I drank some really spicy soup.

Been actually making some progress increasing the weights I use on my exercises (like 5-10 pounds per exercise), my muscles won't grow without progressive overload. I realize lately I am being too anal about how many reps I can do when it doesn't matter nearly as much as time under tension. I think as long as I can do a minimum of 6-8 reps per most exercises I should be fine.

Still struggling heavily with porn. I was expecting my starting read of EasyPeasy to start killing my interest in porn after a bit but ever since the relapse, I have been discovering new content and it is making it harder to stop. The search for novelty is what this addiction is. Today so far though I haven't watched it. I have a date too so I just don't think it is a good idea. I booked a session with my addiction therapist for Wednesday to discuss how to move forward and just what exactly to do to combat this. I will also talk about this with my general therapist too. I think my reason behind the relapse is simple when I think about it. The lack of emotional intimacy from a partner aside from stress and anxiety has fueled my addiction before. EasyPeasy however helped detach using porn for stress and anxiety because it helped break down for me why doing so was such a horrible idea. So in this case I was getting some emotional intimacy from the girl I was talking to and saw LTR potential in, which in turn caused any tiny interest in porn I had + interest in other girls to basically hit ground zero. Then when she blocked me the intimacy source was gone, my body and mind were dissatisfied so it looked to porn as it is what it thought was a good substitute. I'll try to stay positive though that as I work through this situation and get over it I will detach porn from this type of issue too and truly be able to quit for good.

Porn also fucking sucks because it makes my anxiety 10x worse, which makes cold approach much harder. The weather is way better now, which means more girls outside, and I could have easily done like 5+ sets in a singular hour but I had too much fucking anxiety. Well I will just use this as motivation to quit.

Speaking of the weather, not being able to wear jackets makes me more worried about my gyno. I posted here about how I went to a consultation in November and they told me the methods I could use to pay for it. Insurance wouldn't cover it fully because I am not grade 3 gyno or higher (grade 2 but it is still bad though), but they could cover a part of it while the rest is out of pocket. At the time they told me they were okay with the surgery and I told them I wanted to do it in December, but my parents said it would interfere with vacation so it would be better in the summer. Pre-spring break I told them I wanted to talk about scheduling the surgery+how to pay and they said we will discuss it. Well spring break came along and they told me no to the surgery.

I was really fucking pissed off because for months on end they made me think I would get the surgery. I started off 2024 happy knowing in 4 months I would finally get rid of what is possibly my biggest insecurity. I expressed this to them but they told me that my gyno isn't that big of a deal and that I should just work out more and it will make them smaller. I have been in the gym for nearly 2 years now and dropped like 50 or so pounds yet my gyno has barely decreased in size. I told them more about how insecure I am about them and shit and they told me I should get therapy instead because I care too much about my appearance. What fucking bullshit is this, ever since I started caring more about my appearance, my life improved. I say that because more cute girls started taking glances at me, I get dates/matches on apps just a tad easier, people around me respect me significantly more, and so many other benefits.

This is the one part about "woke" culture I fucking hate. Hell I hate that term too but this feels like the only way to describe the utter stupidity I heard. Some people think therapy will fix everything. No the fuck it won't. When I was dealing with hair loss I felt like ass about it. I was in therapy but it did absolutely nothing to make me less insecure about my thinning hair. What did make me less insecure was when my hair started looking healthier again and the curly texture returned. My old hairstyle made me look much older than I actually was and I finally felt like I looked my age when my hair went back to mostly normal.

I told them the gym can only do so much against gyno and that the only way to be truly rid of it was surgery. They said I was just taking the easy way out. Oh yeah, it is totally the easy way out when I was bullied for most of my school years for it, and when I told the bullies I didn't want to be laughed at for it I got gaslighted for being too sensitive and that I should partake in my own humiliation.

My family has the money for the surgery, if we didn't I wouldn't be as crazy about it as I am. I am trying to come up with an argument for why I should get the surgery but every time I think about talking to them I just get hyper emotional. I know they won't hear me out if I get hyper emotional so I want to go about this calmly but I can't seem to be calm. Gyno fucking sucks, its an SMV detractor. and now that summer is coming up I can't wear jackets to cover it up like I could in the winter, fall, or early spring. I feel like a spoiled child for wanting something so expensive though.

 

[Akilles7]

My family has the money for the surgery, if we didn't I wouldn't be as crazy about it as I am. I am trying to come up with an argument for why I should get the surgery but every time I think about talking to them I just get hyper emotional. I know they won't hear me out if I get hyper emotional so I want to go about this calmly but I can't seem to be calm. Gyno fucking sucks, its an SMV detractor. and now that summer is coming up I can't wear jackets to cover it up like I could in the winter, fall, or early spring. I feel like a spoiled child for wanting something so expensive though.

Bro, I got my puberty-induced gyno surgically removed in June of '21. No amount of lifting, dieting, cutting, etc. was going to reduce it, and I knew that from the day I first started lifting. As soon as I had $6k, I got it done.

It was worth EVERY. SINGLE. PENNY. The confidence boost was tremendous. I could finally just put on a shirt without having to worry "but how are my tits going to look in this?" Fuck what your parents say. My family and friends actively discouraged me from doing it, but now everyone compliments me on my body. Plus, all girls are intrigued when I tell them I got plastic surgery done.

If you want, you can me PM me and we can talk over the phone about the process, the surgery, and recovery. I talked a close friend of mine into getting it done like 2 months ago, so all the details are still fresh in my mind.

 

[G.N]

My family has the money for the surgery, if we didn't I wouldn't be as crazy about it as I am. I am trying to come up with an argument for why I should get the surgery but every time I think about talking to them I just get hyper emotional. I know they won't hear me out if I get hyper emotional so I want to go about this calmly but I can't seem to be calm. Gyno fucking sucks, its an SMV detractor. and now that summer is coming up I can't wear jackets to cover it up like I could in the winter, fall, or early spring. I feel like a spoiled child for wanting something so expensive though.

Bro, I got my puberty-induced gyno surgically removed in June of '21. No amount of lifting, dieting, cutting, etc. was going to reduce it, and I knew that from the day I first started lifting. As soon as I had $6k, I got it done.

It was worth EVERY. SINGLE. PENNY. The confidence boost was tremendous. I could finally just put on a shirt without having to worry "but how are my tits going to look in this?" Fuck what your parents say. My family and friends actively discouraged me from doing it, but now everyone compliments me on my body. Plus, all girls are intrigued when I tell them I got plastic surgery done.

If you want, you can me PM me and we can talk over the phone about the process, the surgery, and recovery. I talked a close friend of mine into getting it done like 2 months ago, so all the details are still fresh in my mind.

Wish my parents would understand, I hate how they pretend to know everything when they don't. Sure I go to them for 90% of life situations and they have given me the best advice but I just wish they could admit when they are wrong sometimes.

That is why I want the surgery, gym gains will be far more visible and I won't feel like a fat fuck anymore. Also I can explore a wider range of fashion. I was watching a fashion influencer's video last night on summer outfits and what to wear and I just clicked out cuz of how much I felt like "yeah these would look great if I didn't have gyno". Was actually so fucking pissed.

Ill send you a PM.

 

[G.N]

4/15

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 3137
->Today's Sugar intake: 130g
->Today's Protein Intake: 187g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:

Spent a large chunk of the day in the research lab getting ready for the last stages of my experiment.

I mentioned earlier that the weather is getting pretty good here so there are more girls out, means much easier to daygame. I passed up like 5 easy sets early in the day and I was beating myself up over it so much, calling myself a pussy and all that negative self talk. I took some time to dig into it and figure out what exactly was giving me anxiety. What I realized was around 3/5 of those missed sets my anxiety was entirely baseless minus the anxiety around messing up and being awkward in set. I was actually talking with the guy I went daygaming with about this first.

The thing is even if I am awkward in set there is ZERO consequence. Like sure maybe she thinks I am odd, but when she leaves she may think about the experience for a bit but forget quickly. Maybe she will tell her friends some random guy approached her and they will have a laugh but they will forget too because they have their own lives.


I went back to my place to get ready for my date at 7. On my way there I spotted some freckled blonde at a crosswalk and opened her. Did my usual but instead of her number she gave me her insta. I was okay with this but for future reference maybe I should push more for a number? Didn't give a shit about the outcome though, I was just happy I didn't pussy out for a change.

I set her an omw text around 6:45. I got to the place around 6:50. I waited until 7:20 for her to show up but she didn't. Second fucking flake in a row. I was pissed, but I decided to get some boba anyways. Got some, then I decided to take my rage and turn it into fuel and go do approaches. I opened some blonde with glasses while waiting for my order but couldn't finish the set as she walked off and said she had some urgent stuff to do.

Went on campus then opened some tall redhead, and I actually got her number. After that I walked a bit and opened some brunette, but she blew me off really hard. NBD honestly, ended today with 4 sets. I then headed back to my place as I was hungry and was gonna cook dinner.

Pretty ticked about the flake as I thought this girl was pretty cute, I am annoyed the girls I want to get out are just elusive for me.

 

[G.N]

4/16

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 1300
->Today's Sugar intake: 54g
->Today's Protein Intake: 75g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

4/17

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 3058
->Today's Sugar intake: 140g
->Today's Protein Intake: 194g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/18

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 3032
->Today's Sugar intake: 115g
->Today's Protein Intake: 169g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:

Had a wonderful conversation with Akilles7 on Insta about the gyno surgery. I ended up expressing my feelings unfiltered to my parents about the surgery and they said they will let me get it. I am very surprised they agreed to it so quick, I was expecting a full blown argument and having to debate. What the fuck were they opposing it for the first time. Though when I did talk to my mom she said she was misinformed and did further research realizing exercise won't do shit for it. I called the scheduler for the surgery but they are out currently so I am waiting on her to hit me back as I left her a voicemail.

My mol gen exam was on Wednesday and my research presentation+large part of my experiment yesterday, so I have been really fucking busy as of late. Yesterday I had a delay on a part of my experiment because one chemical I needed wasn't available and the person who was in the process of making it took an hour to show up, then another 30 minutes to make the damn thing I needed. I also had the presentation + meeting my therapist. Shit was so hectic I had to eat lunch during my session with my therapist. I didn't finish my work until 7PM but luckily I could go to club and see my friends. It helped me unwind a lot but it was the last club meeting of the semester. I was a bit sad about this being my last club meets on campus ever ngl.

Weather got dog shit again and I was stuck in the research lab for a full day Thursday so I haven't cold approached after Tuesday. I have been realizing with cold approach, or at least my initial approaches when I first joined here that I used coincidences and being in the same place as a girl very often to "approach". I might be wrong here but my actual cold approach number is probably around 40-50ish at most now which is quite low. I can't get an exact number and idk if there is value in counting. There is a lot of types of AA that I realize I haven't overcome. And realizing at least some of my AA is baseless minus fucking up in set which isn't a big deal.

Another type of AA (or just inner game issue) I have is with certain girls that I consider really attractive. Personally I just approach girls varying from mid to very attractive, don't want to be picky in my spam phase. Idc about archetype, but sometimes when I consider approaching a really attractive girl I feel like I am "below" her and that me approaching her would be offending her because I think I am so below her in SMV. I didn't have this issue as much when I was doing more "warm" approaches when I first started because we had some "common ground", but when I see them just walking about there is barely any common ground, just that we might both be students. One example of a set like this I pussied out of was this basic blonde barbie doll type girl I saw walking out of a tea shop. In my head I was like "damn if I went up to her and opened I'd be taking such a big positive risk+feel accomplished", but then it immediately followed up with "she's probably bitchy and gonna tell you to fuck off cuz she's the type of girl everyone wants", and in the end I didn't do that set even though it was available.

Being "below" her is not always true, I look good now at least so the smv difference isn't like a neckbeard gamer trying to approach a vogue model type shit. Its probably just an inner game issue I need to focus on. I am just in my head because so far most girls I have went up to they treat me well (or are just being nice to get me to fuck off), worst reception I get is indifference or just avoidance like girls who just keep moving when I try to talk to them. Never blatant disrespect or being made to feel like total shit. If a girl blows me off I just assume they have a lot going on in their life and they have no obligation to engage with a stranger. In any case more reps I do the less I fuck up in set in the future. Currently I can work on spam approaching to not pass up available sets before I decide to be more intentional. I have free time once finals end so I can make it a point to go out and cold approach from my end date until at times there are many girls around. My wing will be around so I can arrange times to go daygame with him too.

Speaking of my wing, I asked him after finals if he wants to do photoshoots for each other. He said yeah that he should have free time, so I will arrange a true date when I get closer to when finals end. I will use my DSLR for this since it will def get better pics than my phone. I have a checklist in progress of things I will need to do to get the most value out of a shoot. Like getting a haircut, eyebrow trimming, locations for pics, fits, etc. I will share this with him too. I also compiled a new list of sticking points+tips from the feedback I got on the picture feedback megathread. Adrizzle GoodLookingNerd ThelegendofJ let me know if I compiled all your points well and if there is anything else you want to add.

GN44 Profile Sticking Points:
->Need professional/great quality headshot in a location with a solid background
->Camera photo should be one of me in action (actually taking a photo)
->Needs a Social photo
->Vibe is too soft, need to look MORE masculine
->Needs more variation of photos
->Locate urban setting for some photos

Haven't watched porn for a few days, though urges seem to ebb and flow. Today its getting bad but last few days were okay. Been slacking on reading EasyPeasy and since things are getting busier in terms of studying, I will try to do at least 15 minutes of reading each day. I think it could also just be correlated with how I feel about that one girl I was considering an LTR with. I keep thinking about what could have been had I maybe not been such a dumbass with my words and emotions. I do miss talking to her a lot, and I worry if I will find someone like her for a while. The feelings intensified this week because I am not pushing it down as much+using porn.

I ended up talking to my mom about this situation too as well as the relapse and she didn't get upset with me. I feel like maybe I should have talked this out with them way sooner because it could have mitigated my relapse, but I was an idiot. She did say a lot though that her suddenly blocking me might not have been my fault but who knows for sure. Hopefully if I keep improving myself I shouldn't have as much of a difficult time finding a quality gf.

 

[Perseus]

GN44 Profile Sticking Points:
->Need professional/great quality headshot in a location with a solid background
->Camera photo should be one of me in action (actually taking a photo)
->Needs a Social photo
->Vibe is too soft, need to look MORE masculine
->Needs more variation of photos
->Locate urban setting for some photos

Looks good, I would break down looking less soft into style and facial expression.

 

[Squilliam]

Another type of AA (or just inner game issue) I have is with certain girls that I consider really attractive. Personally I just approach girls varying from mid to very attractive, don't want to be picky in my spam phase. Idc about archetype, but sometimes when I consider approaching a really attractive girl I feel like I am "below" her and that me approaching her would be offending her because I think I am so below her in SMV. I didn't have this issue as much when I was doing more "warm" approaches when I first started because we had some "common ground", but when I see them just walking about there is barely any common ground, just that we might both be students. One example of a set like this I pussied out of was this basic blonde barbie doll type girl I saw walking out of a tea shop. In my head I was like "damn if I went up to her and opened I'd be taking such a big positive risk+feel accomplished", but then it immediately followed up with "she's probably bitchy and gonna tell you to fuck off cuz she's the type of girl everyone wants", and in the end I didn't do that set even though it was available.

In my experience with CA, hotter girls are actually nicer on average than mid/average ones. Yeah, if you're not super hot yourself or very skilled at game, they probably won't be interested, but, they're not as bitchy as you'd expect.

I can say from experience that the worst and most bitchy reactions all came from girls that were like a 5 or 6 at best. Most of the hot girls gave polite rejections or excuses, whereas I had some mid or even below average girls give me nasty looks and just be super bitchy.

 

[G.N]

Another type of AA (or just inner game issue) I have is with certain girls that I consider really attractive. Personally I just approach girls varying from mid to very attractive, don't want to be picky in my spam phase. Idc about archetype, but sometimes when I consider approaching a really attractive girl I feel like I am "below" her and that me approaching her would be offending her because I think I am so below her in SMV. I didn't have this issue as much when I was doing more "warm" approaches when I first started because we had some "common ground", but when I see them just walking about there is barely any common ground, just that we might both be students. One example of a set like this I pussied out of was this basic blonde barbie doll type girl I saw walking out of a tea shop. In my head I was like "damn if I went up to her and opened I'd be taking such a big positive risk+feel accomplished", but then it immediately followed up with "she's probably bitchy and gonna tell you to fuck off cuz she's the type of girl everyone wants", and in the end I didn't do that set even though it was available.

In my experience with CA, hotter girls are actually nicer on average than mid/average ones. Yeah, if you're not super hot yourself or very skilled at game, they probably won't be interested, but, they're not as bitchy as you'd expect.

I can say from experience that the worst and most bitchy reactions all came from girls that were like a 5 or 6 at best. Most of the hot girls gave polite rejections or excuses, whereas I had some mid or even below average girls give me nasty looks and just be super bitchy.

Yeah its most likely just in my head. I don't take it personally if a girl is being indifferent to me. Hot girls probably just have more experience being approached so they are probably just nicer for that reason.

 

[G.N]

4/19

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 2418
->Today's Sugar intake: 130g
->Today's Protein Intake: 122g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

4/20

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 1542
->Today's Sugar intake: 121g
->Today's Protein Intake: 75g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: No

4/21

Daily Actions:

->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2338
->Today's Sugar intake: 102g
->Today's Protein Intake: 130g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: No

Notes:

I won't lie I had a pretty horrible weekend. Just felt really burned out from the exam in the previous week as well as being in the research lab. I have grown so tired of the lab.

I was also having really bad urges on Saturday and ended up succumbing to a porn binge. I skipped the gym as a result. Even when I went outside my room to study but I just kept thinking about porn. I did get a good amount of studying done but I didn't feel like I studied as much as I could which makes me feel worse about myself. Saturday overall felt like I was just stewing in my own shit. I also ate way too much sugary stuff.

I tried my hardest to reel it back Sunday and I read about 45 minutes more worth of EasyPeasy method and had a really interesting breakthrough. One of the things this book notes is that addiction thrives on fear. The fear you won't be able to handle life without porn. As I am reading the book now that statement doesn't seem to apply to me because I have seen for myself life is 100x better when I am not watching porn. However, my breakthrough, or just new takeaway was that my fear (when I tie it in to my reason for relapse) is that I won't be able to have a genuine relationship with a or it will take forever to find a woman I am attracted to so I have to settle for the fake intimacy that porn gives me. I was afraid I would have way too hard of a time finding a girl like the one I was talking about a few entries back so I'd just be wading through a sea of shit to get to someone else, or just give up because most people just see dating today in a negative way.

When I break it down this isn't true, especially considering I am only 21 and there are many here who started self improvement/taking dating seriously way later than I am. Most people are only negative due to their experiences and I don't know what their personalities are like so it could also partly be their own choices that make their dating lives so shit.

On Sunday I did get more studying done, but still didn't feel like enough. I did go to the gym but only got Squats, RDLs, and Bench done which I am fine with. I am happy though the weights on all these exercises is going up. Now my squat is 130 4x5, RDL is 135 4x7, and Bench is 125 3x6. It aint much but I was stuck at 110-115lbs for a long long time. I was also a bit better about not eating as much sugar (though I did have a soda yikes), but didn't keep up with my calories. Still have issues letting stress fuck up my eating habits but I will figure something out.

On the girls side of things, its been really fucking strange this week:

->I have still been talking to the girl who flaked on me a week prior and I went "rage" approaching after. I don't remember if I talked here about how she said she had a depressive episode so thats why she flaked. I didn't lay down about it but neither was I mean. I just said for her to let me know if she wasn't feeling up to it yet but I ultimately decided to not be a dick about it and just tried to get to know her a bit more over text. At some point I slotted in the conversation something about how she can tell me about so and so thing in person if she is free on Monday. She said she would be free so I set something up and confirmed with her this morning. Should be today if all works out.

->Managed to set up a date with the freckled blonde I cold approached for this Wednesday at a nearby coffee shop. My only concern with this date right now is that she probably thinks this is just some friendly chat and not me actually trying to get to know her in a romantic way cuz she said something about us talking but it was mainly about logistics though since she said it was cold out so she wanted to go somewhere else so we can talk even though the place i suggested has seats. I just met in the middle with her and changed place but made it seem like it was my idea, I am still taking the lead. Although, if she is seeing this in a platonic way she could just be kinda dumb cuz what kind of platonic dude goes up to a random girl he doesn't know and says "hey I think you're cute and i just wanted to say hey" which is almost verbatim how I opened her.

->Had my last class of the semester an hour or so ago. There was this one cute black girl I sat next to the whole semester. She seemed really fun and I enjoyed talking to her before and after class. Most of what we would talk about was platonic. Occasionally we did talk outside of class but it was mainly class-related stuff. I spent a lot of the semester procrasinating on asking her on a date in fear of not wanting to make things awkward. I also just didn't think there were any signs of her being interested so why bother. After class today though we were talking again and she was telling me about past jobs and life experiences.

Once we made it to a point we were going to split I asked her if she wanted to get some boba after her finals are over. She said yes and we set up a time and date right then and there for next Monday in the afternoon. I decided to do it anyways because I had nothing to lose. For her I am a lot more unsure if she sees this as man to woman frame versus friend just cuz of the nature of our conversations. Either way I think what I will do is since we have talked out a lot of other details about ourselves I can probably move quicker into deeper topics since we have known a decent bit about each other the whole semester. Using a what I can build from that I can create a man to woman frame.

->Since I have been missing that one girl I saw LTR potential in (atp ill just call her K), and just being really desperate for closure. My brother offered to text her for me and ask why she blocked me suddenly. I told him what to say. Usually I think this is a dumb thing to do but I just felt I had nothing to lose. He sent her the message and K responded back to me telling me why she blocked me suddenly.

She told me she was beginning to feel like I wasn't caring about her as a person and I just saw her as an object due to the fact we were sexting a lot. It didn't help that recently before blocking me I did let some frustration and concern about the distance between us so she started having a lot of doubts. She also said I wasn't really giving her the space to express how she felt because she told me how she wanted to be more positive and get emotional reassurance from me but didn't believe she was going to get it due to me also just being really fucking busy with school. To some degree she said she was worried this whole situation would turn out like what happened with her abusive ex. She said she knows it wasn't intentional on my end but she ended up spiraling really hard. She also said she doesn't hold it against me. But overall she wasn't sure if I wanted her for her and spent a lot of time crying due to how she was feeling

I can't lie I feel awful about what I did. I didn't see her as an object as I have expressed I saw LTR potential in her since I felt I could just tell her anything and she had no glaring red flags. I also loved how insightful she was and it was really fun having intelligent conversations with her and just letting her peel back the layers of how her mind operates. I think I let the sexting be like a drug to me, an escape from the stresses of my life, and I just became a junkie for it. She has been through a lot in life and I don't want to add to her laundry list of traumas. Truthfully when I thought about her I thought more about spending time with her having fun and making good memories. I still feel like a horrible person but I think this was just a symptom of being a social retard since I am on the spectrum. I don't want to let being autistic be a copout for this though.

She does say she still has feelings for me but now I am conflicted on how I feel too because I missed talking to her a lot. We talked a lot more about what we have been up to in the time we haven't spoke and also about other topics and it still confirms to me that I do enjoy talking to her. However, I am conflicted on still possibly pursuing her. Since even when I was missing her I still accepted that she isn't a part of my life and I need to move on so I should kill my feelings. But now that she is back I am like "wtf do I do, I don't want to hurt her but I am genuinely confused on how I feel now". I am honestly so goddamn confused.

 

[Akilles7]

I won't lie I had a pretty horrible weekend. Just felt really burned out from the exam in the previous week as well as being in the research lab. I have grown so tired of the lab.

I was also having really bad urges on Saturday and ended up succumbing to a porn binge. I skipped the gym as a result. Even when I went outside my room to study but I just kept thinking about porn. I did get a good amount of studying done but I didn't feel like I studied as much as I could which makes me feel worse about myself. Saturday overall felt like I was just stewing in my own shit. I also ate way too much sugary stuff.

I tried my hardest to reel it back Sunday and I read about 45 minutes more worth of EasyPeasy method and had a really interesting breakthrough. One of the things this book notes is that addiction thrives on fear. The fear you won't be able to handle life without porn. As I am reading the book now that statement doesn't seem to apply to me because I have seen for myself life is 100x better when I am not watching porn. However, my breakthrough, or just new takeaway was that my fear (when I tie it in to my reason for relapse) is that I won't be able to have a genuine relationship with a or it will take forever to find a woman I am attracted to so I have to settle for the fake intimacy that porn gives me. I was afraid I would have way too hard of a time finding a girl like the one I was talking about a few entries back so I'd just be wading through a sea of shit to get to someone else, or just give up because most people just see dating today in a negative way.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this bro. Overcoming pornography addiction is a difficult, long-term process. The reality is that you will relapse and feel like absolute shit. Just stay consistent. It gets easier, and it will be less of a struggle as a months and years add up.

Once you start getting a lot of action with hot girls, watching porn and jerking off will become pointless. And once you get a lot of experience, you won't be able to take porn seriously. The phony moans, the uncomfortable positions done for the camera, the lack of chemistry or attraction between the participants - it's all so staged. Actual sex where both you and the girl are extremely horny for each other is soooooooooooo much better.

 

[G.N]

Date Log: Awkward Art Girl from Hinge

This was the girl flaked on me the week prior because she had a depressive episode and just shut down. I was able to get her out on Monday around 7 to this coffee shop. She left her place a little late. I got there earlier so that a situation with that other brunette would not happen again where I can't be in closer proximity to her to build tension. When she told me she was gonna be a little late over text I just said I got us a seat. She again apologized for last weeks flake and said she would pay for our coffee, which I accepted.

She got here a little late. I greeted her with a hug, which she accepted warmly. She is really fucking cute. She has great style, nice body, cute face, glasses, etc. I fucking love the cute nerdy art girl archetype. Her voice is incredibly soft and she says she comes here every now and then with her friends to study though she also says she doesn't like to leave the house much because she is really shy so most of her hobbies are indoor stuff. From the tonality of her voice and body language she 100% gives shy girl vibes. She told me she has a "usual" order and asked if I wanted to try it so I was like why the hell not. Turns out it was actually really good.

We get sat down and she plops her bag on the side and takes out some kind of book. I didn't think much of it, maybe she just wants to show me something. So I ask her about what she likes to do for fun. She tells me she likes art, knitting, writing, and rowing. She picked up on my curiosity about her book so she opened it and showed me that she uses it for sketching as well as story writing. So I did think it was just her wanting to show me something. She asked me if I draw and I said that I used to draw back when I was in my late teens. She also has some hearing loss so I have to put more effort to be heard so a couple of times when I am talking she gives me a funny expression and asks me to repeat myself. If I take it more positively, her shitty hearing is a good thing for me because now I have a very easy excuse to be in much closer proximity to her. We talk a bit more about art but also while she is going this she shows me what she is working on and starts doing some more work with it using a pen while she is talking. I am a bit weirded out by her sketching while I am trying to get to know her but I didn't want to be a dick about it so I ramped up the conversation and tried to engage her brain more in the areas that would prioritize our convo over her sketches. When I am able to get her to put her pen down I immediately hit her with some piercing eye contact squinching my eyes a bit. I think she gets that I find her behavior incredibly strange. So she starts telling me more about how shy she is and doesn't interact with people much. Also she struggles a lot with eye contact and gets incredibly anxious since she also has really bad ADHD. To sum it up, sketching helps her sort of "stay calm". And she says she is not trying to be rude to me. Regardless, I do point out verbally I find it odd she pulled out a sketchbook on a first date when usually we should just be talking to each other. Me and her came to a compromise and decided we would do some sketching together while we got to know each other.

I take note of her body language during the date but I especially lasered in on the bit above. And from what I gather I think she was being truthful. If she was lying her attitude would be very snobby, which I was not getting from her.

I wanted to take Yggdrasil13 advice on trying to connect with my dates rather than being too strategic. Also the bit about making her talk more than me. I ask her more about the stories she wrote and she yaps quite a bit about some of the ideas she has had and we just bounce ideas and inspos. I also brought up that I was considering writing a book. Despite how awkward she is I find conversation with her to be going quite smoothly. Banter was pretty good too but a lot of it came as a result of me trying to talk in a flirty way that just seemed to make her brain cells short circuit. She gets confused and does express that to me. I then fire back with calling her ditzy or not trusting me. She gets defensive about this in a cute way though which I try to use for more teases. I also work in some incidental touches with her free hand while she is sketching. One instance I was asking her about the lore of her rings. She got really passionate about this since she really likes wearing accessories.

When I brought up the question of her dating past she mentioned how she was in a 2 year relationship some time back with a guy who joined the navy she was planning to marry but she broke it off due to her depression re-surging and not wanting him to deal with that. I think if I wanted to truly invest in her as a potential partner this would be important to keep in mind because I might be something I will be dealing with in a relationship with her.

It was beginning to get kind of late so I said we should head out so we did. I asked her if she had anything planned and she said she might do something with her roommate but is not sure. She said she can do something late at night since she slept a lot during the day so she can be a night owl. We walk down the street and I decide to try and pull her to my place. She was shy as fuck and does kinda be like "oh I don't really do the whole going to a guys place first date thing" and goes on more about her shyness. I wasn't planning on going for it first date since I am looking for something long term now but I probably won't see this girl ever again since I am leaving uni soon so the objective now is burn the lead. She does put up some more excuses and I try to ease her worries. She does call it out though that I am trying to sell the idea of going back to mines lol. I responded saying something about how if anything I am being considerate because I am getting her to a quiet environment versus the noisy coffee shop. Again more shyness stuff but she wants to walk around a bit so for a few minutes its fine with me. We walk for a bit and talk about some deeper topics. I try to grab her hand but not be too aggressive about it so she notices and giggles. Calls me dorky. I don't get defensive about it but I ask her why in a nonchalant way and she doesn't give me a straight answer and says she says that about everyone since me and others do have behaviors that make us dorky.

Way I see it is I think I just came off really strange because I tried to pull to my place really hard, but then when that didn't work I tried something else. I think I swung the pendulum between fuckboy and potential boyfriend really hard and that was jarring to her. I found building tension with her really difficult this date especially since she is just so awkward and doesn't know how to process the kind of frame I am trying to build.

At a point I do say I need to go back to my place to study. We are getting somewhat close her place at that point so she says okay. She tells me to text her when I get back. I tell her it was nice meeting her and go in for a hug. It is a little strange though cuz she is like "Oh I don't know how to end a date" after I hug her. I said "so were you expecting a kiss or something" and she does giggle a bit saying she doesn't really do that, but I don't get a yes or no answer so I put my arms around her again and we make eye contact with each other. She giggles again which kinda broke any potential tension that could have been there. I am really anxious as to whether I should just go for kissing her on the mouth because I did once with a girl post-end of date hug and she told me she did not like it later over text. With that in mind for this girl I say that Ill give her something on the cheek, which she says okay to so I just give her a cheek kiss and we part ways.

Post Date Notes:

-I don't think I did a good job this date cuz I just swung the pendulum of my date behaviors in a direction where I just do whatever I want which may have mismatched with my looks. I am just trying to overcome most of my anxiety regarding first dates. Plus I already unmatched her back when she flaked so I could have a field day and not worry about getting reported.

-Every date seems to be so wildly different I am having a difficult time adjusting and calibrating. The girls personalities vary so much so I have to come up with a way to proceed on the fly.

-I don't know if I should have dealt with the sketchbook thing with more firmness or called it out more abrasively. When I get in a new situation or observe odd behavior I need a fatty minute before I figure out how to properly approach it.

 

[G.N]

Date Log: Cute Blonde from Cold Approach

Did not think this would ever happen but I actually got a date from cold approaching a girl. The date was supposed to happen on Wednesday but she told me she had a deadline she completely forgot about so she asked if I had some time Thursday. I did (kinda didn’t but I’m sick of studying ngl), and she said she was only free in the afternoon so I went with it.

Anyway I got there early and tbh I didn’t expect her to show up. Usually after the first flake/cancellation I drop my investment massively. But she actually does show up. It’s been like nearly a week or so since I approached her so I forgot what she looked like plus she has nothing on her insta besides her pfp. She’s hella fucking pretty. Like damn she’s easily the most attractive girl I went on a date with. Blonde, hazel eyes, really nice body, and a cute face. I went in for a hug to open my date like I usually do but I guess she didn’t entirely expect it. She did like some side hug thing but what I picked up from that was she probably doesn’t respond as good to touch or my nervous vibe leaked out. She didn’t seem to dislike it though as general date vibes were still good, but I got comfort cuck vibes immediately. It was worse for me than usual because combined with her being very attractive and her reaction to the hug I got the feeling if I did anything insanely uncalibrated like any of my past dates the vibe would be fucked up completely and be irredeemable.

She asked me some stuff about if I’ve been here. Mention how I don’t usually come here very much but I live close by. She also complimented my leather jacket and told me she thought it was really cool. We ordered our coffees and I paid for our drinks, she didn’t seem to object to it at all.

Get sat down near some chairs that are side by side with each other. She mentioned she had some runaway show she did to help her friend who is a fashion designer, and tells me more about the show. We talk a lot about hobbies, music, and movies for a bit. Pretty standard date stuff. Her eye contact was pretty good during this date though at times she would avert her eyes elsewhere.

The date felt a lot more like a getting to know each other type of thing because my anxiety is a bitch. I guess its also cuz even though circumstances aren't right to seek something long term I still can use this date as practice. I was actually beginning to feel less nervous listening to her talk but out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl I went on a date with on Monday and my anxiety got bad again going "please don't notice me", and luckily she goes and sits on the patio of the place so I am in the clear.

I didn't want the date to feel too platonic so I used an opportunity within the conversation to ask her about her dating past. She told me that its not good and said she left a long distance relationship last year and at one point was in a situationship with someone from Hinge she thought was bad but she didn't seem bitter over it and actually took accountability+did a lot of self reflection. This was something I really liked about her. I led into the conversation about Hinge like "oh yeah I have used it, its something else lol" but also mentioned how I mainly use it cuz I am busy but Im still trying not to. She then asked me "so is this your first time going on a date with a girl you met on the street". I semi-dodged the question by saying "I have been on dates with girls I have met in real life" and fired back asking her if she gets approached a lot. She also kinda deflected but said I am the first guy to approach her in a respectful way. Kinda didn't know how to respond to that, just was like "oh thats interesting". We move on from the relationship talk and talk a bit more about deeper topics like family and stuff before she has to go. I couldn’t pull her back to mines due to logistical blockers cuz she had to get to her part time shift at her job.

I walk her to the crosswalk, no hand holding cuz at this point I see zero purpose in it. It adds no value to a first date unless we really really vibe like that. I do kinda touch her on the shoulder a bit when she’s telling me about how much she thinks her apartment is scamming her but then says “I’m sorry I’m complaining about this, I know I should try to be more positive”, but I do try to be reassuring. Not sure if this was the right move but since I am trying to be more positive myself I want to offer my support to anyone who shows the same attitude. We get to the crosswalk and she says she has to go. So I lean in for a hug but she does turn her face away a bit so I assume that means no kiss. From what I have observed from dates, it’s easy to do when we are both making eye contact right before we part ways. At that point it’s a matter of leaning in and just going for it.

Post Date Notes:

-This experience was so incredibly validating for me. This helped a ton with making me not feel unworthy of attractive girls.

-I still feel like I’m beating myself up over how nervous I got during the date. The gap between this girl and the second cutest girl I been on a date with is massive. I’ve also just been heavily doubting my own abilities because I seem to be scaring off good girls because I am still incredibly uncalibrated when it comes to kino. Ill probably get better with time though and I should keep in mind to just run my dates regardless of if the chick is a 5 or an 8.

-I’m trying to figure out is how to strike a balance. If I don’t try too much to build tension in my head I think I am too platonic. If I try too hard though I scare them off and kill any odds of a second date. Its probably better I be too aggressive than not aggressive enough. I say this because I was texting her some time after the date and she said she is not sure if she is looking for anything right now but is open to being friends. I basically got friendzoned because most likely she picked up on my anxiety and was just trying to be nice. Loki did a mini-analysis it and said my date frame just completely collapsed and she dominated the frame.