Lusty's 5'4 fat to fit looking for love log

Zug said:
Lusty69 said:
right now this rate of weight loss seems the most sustainable for where I am at in term of managing hunger, motivation, emotions and/or pain/suck tolerance.
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I got really bogged down at this point, I couldn't really drop calories further or lift more. I didn't have the capacity to do more cardio either. Then it just kinda dawned on me...there's really no upper limit to walking. I started walking more and more and more every single day. I did 10mi a day for a couple months and started melting again. It does take a lot of time, but if you combine it with something like meaningful audiobooks or learning a new language you can get a lot out of that time.
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Thanks man, yeah the food is the biggest issue for me I find, trying to balance increasing my volume and amount that I walk with managing hunger. Maybe I should do some slower walking to not feel as exhausted, I do listen to podcasts whilst walking, I actually have listened to at least half of Andy's podcasts between walking and gym sessions, like 1-2hrs listened per day with some days listening for 3-4 hours
 
Had a little cheat meal the other day, was emotionally exhausted and needed a little re-set so I allowed myself to suck and had some icecream and chips then took the night off, woke up feeling way better the next day, only annoying thing is my weight is back in the low 105kg range.

But feeling pretty good and getting back on track, will go gym today as well as I didn't go for 2 or 3 days.

Hit #71 last night with a second date straight to mine which was good fun and enjoyable, just got to set up a few new dates now, I think this one I will also try and see regularly she was fun.
 
Another day off the diet yesterday, just been feeling a bit of this heaviness and lack of motivation which I seem to be struggling to shift which led me down the road of some comfort food last night and also not having gone to gym the past few days. I think a lot of the cycle is from porn as well, as in watch porn then feel tired, then don't feel like going to gym, then feeling restless and spiralling down.

I think also the fact I had a few dates flake as much as I say whatever I don't care, I think I am hiding and judging the actual feelings and it is showing up in the move towards porn, I think I just need to accept that yeah being flaked on fucking sucks, not having all the dates and quality of women I want fucking sucks, feeling like shit fucking sucks, being fat fucking sucks, not having the body I want working the way I want as in injuries, my skin condition and the likes fucking sucks, life sometimes fucking sucks and I think I have denied myself from feeling this as I am like nope got to stay positive and be motivated, I know what I need to fucking do, I got the best plans, all the knowledge. It is just almost like I am chasing my tail sometimes, doing well for a week or two, or spurts of motivation and doing shit that works well then when things are not going perfect I allow a negative snowball effect.

I guess where I need to focus is to stop seeing things so black and white, stop judging myself and my days so much, what is holding me back from just making a better choice even if its not ideal or sucks, can I go to the gym and just do a shit work out after eating shit rather than laying around at home maybe, or what can I choose in these instances that is easy, what can I give to myself, do I bribe myself, well let's not fucking bribe ourself with porn though as I can now see where that ended up this week.

Anyway I don't care if anyone wanted to read this rant or not, it's my truth but it will not hold me back, I will keep fucking fighting to do one better, I will pick myself up and keep going, fuck I just want to drop this weight quickly with out all these shitty things of hunger, cravings and bs, maybe I was putting way too much pressure to go faster, to fast for 48hrs back to back because I watched something on youtube about it, yeah that will work, and I will drop weight quick, but I have not sorted out the mental game of learned hunger.

I also think there is an element of cycle of ok I am making a stand to be different, I am changing, I then achieve success yes I have a good week/few days, with ease I will eat well, go gym, smash out 20,000 steps, then on that wave or high I will also start doing other things, like being more productive at work, posting content to my business pages, then I will set that as the new benchmark and standard, keep adding to it, then when I slip one day it all falls apart and I feel like I almost go back to square one. So I guess I need to work on finding a way to just be consistent on small things and see the rest maybe as a bonus not a new standard. It is frustrating because I see it as fuck I can do it, look I did this and this and it was fucking great, I felt great, then all the shame, guilt and judgement where I am hard on myself comes in when I don't keep it up and keep doing it.

Trying to balance motivation where things feels easy and carrying that through as an easy habit for longer-term consistency is where I need to work on, when I am super motivated it is easy, when I am not it feels like everything is so fucking hard.

I guess there is a lot of self hate around the word discipline as I feel like I just need to be more disciplined and it will solve all my issues, anyway I might just need to lower the bar a little around daily habits and I think I need more focus on simple things which will be

Drinking more water
Not watching porn in the morning (especially when my willpower is high)
Organise work tasks better every morning/set a better routine
Listen to music I like more rather than feeling I need to consume content 24/7
Use my tools I know that work with managing hunger later in the day (tea's, sugar free jelly, fruit, more water)
Stop pressuring myself to rapidly lose the weight through extreme fasts we are just not there yet and that is ok
Reach out to more friends and ask for support
Go to gym and just get it done even if I don't have everything lined up perfectly or the timing means the gym isn't empty
 
Overdue update:

Weightloss journey has been the biggest hurdle as it is a mental journey for me, I have had a few bouts of just poor mental health since posting here as my capacity was a little low with a few added stressors in life between learning and updating my knowledge for my business, some changes in my business structure and added workload. Had a massive training day as well so much info to take in with changes from the Government.
So mentally was a little stressed, I guess my comfort for all this is to numb out with more food.
Having a few girls flake on me from online dating or shifting or moving dates I have noticed has an impact on

Few wins to focus on:
I did have with one of my dynamics towards binge eating/overeating was managing to half what I set out to go buy and eat, then I was productive after the fact on Sunday which is a pattern interrupt to my usual programming of going overeating and knocking myself out on the couch/bed watching some crappy show or video game on youtube.

My massive busy day I didn't let be an excuse (9hr professional education day) I went and got a workout done in that morning so I didn't have 2 days in a row without going to the gym.

Installed Habica a habit-tracking app to assist with gamifying my habits and using a to-do list as well as having daily tasks to do with positive reinforcement to get a little dopamine hit from ticking stuff off, added to that along with watching the video on depression I added a daily task to make my bed, so I will do it and the awesome thing is this morning I almost forgot to make my bed on autopilot but I went to tick something else off on my morning routine then was like oh shit I need to make my bed so I made my bed and yeah just trusting that this is the right process.

I also lowered the bar for myself, trying to let go and release being a perfectionist and just focusing on getting back on the wagon and trying to do one better, it's tough as I want to lose weight faster and do so much more faster but I need to remind myself to slow down and take smaller steps but trying to do large leaps for short periods of time then spending the next week beating myself up when I am not perfect or carry that good week through.

Other update is I had a date with a sexy Brazilian, I realised and noticed that I need to just take a little more action on my other dates that didn't go well as this one almost was going nowhere with no physical touch and just light-hearted conversation no real sexualisation I did lead back to my place and overcome a few objections but eventually, I was like fuck it and just went in for the kiss, then we made out and had a lot of fun after. I guess that is #72

The fucked up part of getting laid is it removes pain from feeling the need to lose weight, it's like I know the quality of women I can sleep with and the number of matches and dates will be less, but at the same time it feels almost super hard and a lot of effort and shit to deal with at the moment along with having this pressing goal of losing weight, I am still getting laid in a sense which I do think is fucking with my motivation to see the weight loss as such a pressing issue.
I guess motivation, negative emotional pain vs positive enforcement and stuff is all short-lived, I am shifting to more baby steps, and sometimes I think to myself though am I just avoiding the hard work, am I just a piece of shit who isn't that good, who fucking sucks, am I just a massive fucking loser still like I was when I was a teenager, sexless binge eating porn addict with no friends.
Whilst I know that is not true, the patterns sometimes that pop up feel that way, I know I have moved well past that, I know I have way more friends now, much more money, much more success with women, but it still feels like when I am not being my perfect little self that the feelings of unworthiness, the feelings of being a loser come up, yes I am trying to allow myself to suck and be ok with that but at the same time I have different parts of me from my feelings of perfectionism, being hard on myself, parts of me that are self-parenting me like my parents did of trying to encourage me but in a way which made it seem like 1 the goal posts always moved and whenever I achieved something it was always met with a push to do more and do better using something along the lines of "that's great but you could do so much better or achieve more if you put your mind to it"
There was always a view or theme that I was inherently seen as better than what I ever did, and whenever I did hit a goal it wasn't ever met with oh fuck that would have been hard or a struggle it was met with like well you always had that ability you just decided to stop being a lazy shit and whilst that could be true, it just adds sooooooo soooo much pressure to be perfect and if I don't maintain to the things I achieved or see them as achievements but to moving the goal posts now and that achievement isn't to be celebrated but seen as the new baseline and if I fall behind or short of that new baseline I am a piece of shit who is useless because there is some magical pixie fairy dust world where I am much better than I am, but the fucking evidence is right there that oh fuck on average I do suck, I do fall short of shit, I maybe am not as good as what I have been told all my life, and maybe it actually isn't my fault because I am lazy or whatever.
What I love about listening to Andy is feeling into the energy of I am just a human being who fucking sucks and that is ok, so maybe the path forward for me isn't pushing harder, trying to achieve more and do more and be more than moving the goal posts. Maybe for the stuff I have achieved I just celebrate, the things I didn't achieve give myself grace and set the bar a touch lower and be kind to myself, be easier on myself.
Well this is why I set this habit tracker, with some habits and small things to do regularly that I can't just keep shifting in my head, I can make small promises to myself, they are set there and I can just celebrate every time I do them as a win, fuck yeah I made my bed this morning, fuck yeah I had a glass of water, fuck yeah I checked in with myself.
 
Still not 100% with everything, sort of eaten ice cream 3 nights in a row and I feel like beating myself with a stick.
But I need to remember me being super hard on myself is the cycle, me judging myself is the cycle to then getting to the end of the day feeling like shit and wanting comfort in icecream.

I am just focusing on my habits and ticking off things/adding things to my todo list as I have been feeling very overwhelmed, end of the financial year in the Australian business world here has increased my workload a lot and I am finding the extra pressure and stress gets to me a little so I self medicate with icecream.

But also the flip side is having a bunch of stuff to do with no coherent list or path adds to the overwhelm so it's why I have started writing important tasks down more and putting due dates on them using Habitica so that way I also get rewarded for ticking them off.

I guess motivation sometimes is short-lived once stress and life pressures take over, but motivation is also great to get back on track, however right now I am just trying to build small daily habits for the longer term and working with not judging and beating myself up everytime I watch porn or have icecream.

I guess I also need to try find a balance of doing something to relax after work but not being stuck in this itch that I can't scratch until I go have some sweet food, even though I have eaten plenty for lunch and dinner. I know having a sweet tea was helping I should do that again as a habit at night so on days it's harder it's automatic to go relax with a tea.

Maybe I also need a wind down routine to separate the work day from time to switch off
 
Sort of figured out what was causing some of the distress for me, feeling much better. Ultimately it is around me talking my truth and speaking up. When I don't and just leave things to foster but I sort of feel something is off then it persists as emotional eating then can lead to the cycles of self-hate, guilt and stuff.
Yesterday managed to speak my truth in a situation I felt I didn't have the space to do so and feel way way better today, still not 100% but much better.

I think also doing the regular habits of like making my bed and stuff might also be helping out.
 
Back to 105.0kg after a few bad days, back on track with diet and training, been making my bed and stuff.

Noticed I had a date with a really fit really good looking woman and I had so much self-doubt around it all, but I was like fuck it and went for it anyway, so we ended up back at mine, the sexy was epic with her petite little body I just played with her for ages and really really enjoyed her and her body. I guess that's #73

Pretty cool this whole dating thing how it can push me to reflect and grow, been sitting with the feelings of insecurity and being like why the fuck does she like me/is with me/is still talking to me. I think it's the fear of meeting my equal or someone who might have more shit together, she has her own place, a really good job, likely makes just as much if not more than me, is fit works out and very good looking. I guess taking a chance, being completely honest and being good at sex whilst having a nice clean apartment, dressing well and grooming well all helps.

Whilst I did build momentum in that got some other shit in my business adding stress, sometimes feels like sweet massive shift, massive wins, then life throws another curve ball at me, sort of watched much more porn than I should and been unproductive today from it but it is what it is, I guess it's time like this to reflect and see what I can do to sooth and what I can give to myself to not keep turning to my comforts of food and porn, or maybe I just allow myself to be shit, accept I feel like shit, watch that porn then do something good like I went to gym after, maybe I go eat a bunch of food and then focus on smashing some work goals. I don't know exactly but the easy way right now would be to just relax the rest of tonight and have some comfort food, the good thing is I am not feeling into the whole massive need to smash a huge amount of food, I might see if a can make a better decision of like a low carb/calorie icecream, see how that sits and try some other stuff to release these shitty emotions
 
Still a little all over the place when it comes to my weight, diet and porn. Carb load from yesterday I'm 108kg today 2.5kg water weight gain in 1 day, I felt very much like beating myself up and judging myself this morning, but I decided to just journal a bunch on here.

Kind of realised for me right now, getting laid is the easy part of life, like there is always improvements to be made but it's actually not that hard even though I am 5'4 and obease which actually fucking sucks, and the reason is that I have hacked the system, yes it has taken work, yes I have been doing this self improvement stuff for 10 years and I do need to work on being kinder on myself, I do have a lot more sexual experience than most people, but I feel like I really don't deserve to be finding it so easy right now. I am currently really over weight, porn addict, full of being hard on myself, negative self talk (working on it though) yet still some how managing to get a bunch of dates and get laid and it's not like it has been with really ugly girls by any means yes I am not with like really stunning women but still decently looking ones, like compared to me I would say better looking than myself. I guess having a good looking face helps carry me.
I guess a big part of me feeling a little inspired to write the above was just having an off day yesterday when it comes to diet, just need to learn to work through stuff better with time as it pops up. Was good an old friend I had not seen in ages invited me over whilst I was feeling like staying at home and just binge eating was good to get out of the house. His also single a little older than me, much more in shape and taller than myself, and a bunch of other positive qualities and what triggered me a little is just feeling of being a fraud and what I mean by that is if I look at my online dating profile I am getting regular matches on a free account, he has the premium on multiple online dating sites and has close to no matches, I did help him out a little with re-doing his bio and a few other things but still fuck I never knew it was that brutal out there, and I am here thinking my profiles are not that great, I even don't have tinder installed as I am afraid of fucking the algorythem and getting a shit score and not having many matches until I lose weight and get better photos, but with Bumble I still am getting at least 1-3 matches per day.
I have also been super slack with anything outside of online game hence why I think I am putting in very little effort and getting results I don't even deserve. Even last time I did daygame I approached only 3 girls and got a really attractive girls number and went on a date with her a week later and only didn't invite her back to mine because I had a different girl coming over for a sex date.

Getting laid is fucking great, meeting women is amazing, women are amazing I love them.

I just need to really keep chipping away at my inner deamons, I have been through a lot of shit, I still face tough shit, the cycle I feel I need to break is the peaks and vally of emotions, have some fucking amazing shit happen and I feel high as fuck, then get cut down with some shit news, or something crappy happening.
I guess I just need to be there for myself more and find strategies to deal with and sooth myself when the shit happens which isn't self soothing through junk food and porn, I guess face it rather than disasocite and run away.

I must say though I am happy I started using Habitica, I find it helps me stick to new habits much better as they pop off and I tick them off for my daily stuff I set up.
Right now on it I am just building a massive list of positive habits in my habit list, I don't need to do them, but I get rewarded in the app when I do them and I am purely using it as a ok what can I do right now rather than turn to porn or binge eating and I can get the reward of seeing my character level up, get streaks in certain activities.
Been on a really good streak of making my bed every day
Been hitting my morning routine 100%
Been checking in with my parts (IFS therapy concept) I may start using the language of my parts more as I post on here, it's powerful stuff
Pretty decent on the gym streak I do enjoy working out and getting stronger, feeling strong, fuck being strong is always so good, even if I am fat as fuck I am glad I can still crush a workout and move some decent weights, makes sex fun too when you can pick up a girl with extreme ease throw her around, I can overhead press over 60kg so that means pretty much all the girls I sleep with I have the ability to throw over my head.
Getting into meditating each day, aiming for 10mins but if it is just like 2-3mins of breathing that is a win and I can tick it off

Trying to work on allowing myself to suck, but balance that with getting things done and not holding onto it as an excuse when things get tough but also not beating myself up for not performing when things get tough, I guess habitica is my way of gamifying doing one better
 
MattsCrib said:
What do you truly think is the reason you're getting matches? Is it purely facial asthetics?

3 mathes A DAY is insane.
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Good face, decent bio, most of my photos are headshots, different locations in different cities and I am very active on the app, always swiping daily and replying to all messages I get

A good day is 3 matches, on average it's 1-3 although I have had days where I got more and have had a day or two with none
 
Ahh still dealing with feeling in a rut, I realised I need to take more action to get out of stuff but at the same time when I am in it there is an element of stuckness and overwhelm. I sort of need to let my brain do more emotional processing but also take action in the sense of what can I do and what can I not do. I had taken on some energy that actually wasn't mine, didn't speak up and held onto it and then with that emotional weight I ended up just eating and watching porn.
I do beat myself up a lot, and judge myself a lot for this, but the win is that I stood up for myself and gave back the negative energy that wasn't mine and just took action, it was hard but fuck much better than the feeling of being stuck and needing to just eat massive amounts of food whilst feeling like absolute crap.

I do feel a little overwhelmed with stuff that seems to relentlessly hit me just as I seem to come out and past some crappy stuff, and letting it all build up seems to feel like a death by 1000 cuts as there are no one big issue or event causing distress just a bunch of small things I have ignored and just moved on because I am just trying to cope with life and general stuff. I guess my lack of support network isn't helping around my physical realm, a friend was telling me to give myself a break for self-medicating with food and porn as I am going through a fair bit whilst also running two businesses, living on my own, cleaning my home, laundry, cooking all my meals, trying to self improve, trying to date and everything else all at once.
It's just annoying as I want to be able to do everything, stay on top of things, get things done, but I seem to fall into a strong self hate cycle when I don't stick to things in the way I want, or if I even go ok I will allow myself to not have to be perfect with say food or porn and then I allow myself to give myself a massive break and make more excuses for the behaviours and go ok I will allow myself to suck then go do the behaviour 10x more times rather than trying to reduce the behaviour.

Stepping on the scales sucks after a few days of eating crap seeing myself not go under 105kg is frustrating whilst a few binge eating days has sent me to 107.7kg I feel like I am moving away from rather than towards trying to get under 100kg by mid July, I think right now I would be happy with just seeing the scale stay under 105kg, but ultimately want to get under that 100kg soon.

It's annoying and frustrating allowing my emotions to take over and use food to cope with life, I am toying with the idea of maybe paying a cleaner to clean my place to take some load off myself, but then again sometimes I use the time of cleaning to emotionally process and get a sense of accomplishment so maybe it's just riding the storm to 30th June and then I can ease up a little, or maybe I need to sort some stuff out and offload more stuff across my business as well, just some idea's I am toying with to see if it is a lack of support, trying to do too much, or lack of time I spend processing emotions and just living my truth, speaking up, being on top of things rather than sinking into what is comfortable which is to say nothing, repress emotions whilst eating and watching porn.
 
Fellow 5'4 checking in. I've always been insecure about my height but it looks like you proved its still possible to get a lot of sexual experience. 73 lays and a fitness girl is basically my end goal lol.

Do you have any tips? There aren't many guys who share our experience and I'd imagine there may be special rules that taller guys aren't aware of.

Would also appreciate if you can share your online dating profile, as I have been trying to improve mine. If you aren't comfortable showing your full face here, a censored version is still way better than nothing.
 
Still been a little stuck, slowly cleaning things up and just focusing on improving, the diet stuff is lagging a little, I guess I still find comfort in food and that's where I am right now. I think there is a level of just acceptance that I might just suck for a little as I am overwhelmed with other stuff in life.
I have shifted focus to doing things I can do in place of porn and food, took a little break from trying to set up dates and anything like that whilst being overwhelmed, been trying to journal more, and reach out to people/friends.

I have added a list of positive things I can do, that I can tick off in place of an urge to do something pulling me away from what I want, I added posting on here as one of them.

The plan forward is to just start building a habit of sort of urge surfing as in when I have an urge to watch porn or binge eat I will do a positive habit first, then allow myself if the urge is still there to just go through.

I am scared of the allowing part, I am worried it won't work, it doesn't make sense in my head, but all this full on hate and resistance I have been pushing into myself isn't working.

Rice said:
Fellow 5'4 checking in. I've always been insecure about my height but it looks like you proved its still possible to get a lot of sexual experience. 73 lays and a fitness girl is basically my end goal lol.

Do you have any tips? There aren't many guys who share our experience and I'd imagine there may be special rules that taller guys aren't aware of.

Would also appreciate if you can share your online dating profile, as I have been trying to improve mine. If you aren't comfortable showing your full face here, a censored version is still way better than nothing.
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I'll post my profile below, but the way I am like just under 5'4 but round up closer to like 5'3.6
 
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Rice said:
Your probably get this a lot but wow you are a handsome dude
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Thanks man, I have been told this before by some people but I never felt it or internalised it I guess I just see my flaws of being really overweight and short.

All the photos are mildly adjusted to just enhance my look or just to try and make my face look slightly less fat.

I do know with fat loss I will look exactly like my photos or even better then I can take even better photos rather than mainly headshots and get even more matches.

But I do feel a lot of the time I have these goals and intentions and I can be my own worst enemy with moving forward. Feeling a little burnt out with low levels of willpower and motivation by the time the day ends has been a cycle that just repeats and repeats.

I am happy though I have been keeping some routine things in and built some new morning habits, I have made my bed every day, and started a new streak of guided meditations I have done 9 days in a row now (set the bar super low some days I have only done 3mins, but today I did 25min guided inner child healing meditation)

It just comes back to no being able to cope with everything without binge eating and watching porn at the moment, I am getting more productive with other stuff and I am unsure if that is taking away then from my ability to resist porn and food or if it is just a sucky party of developing new habits and moving through some stuff, building better habits, build a new base plate then from that place it will be easier to let go of and resist the porn and binge eating.

I am trying to shift the porn stuff from abstaining completely as the goal to just reducing the amount of time/times per day and shifting masturbation and orgasm to memory or clothed women on say Instagram or dating apps over full-on hardcore porn, but I know it does impact my dating life, I was meant to have a girl come over last night, but I ended up watching porn then felt exhausted, skipped gym and binge ate, cancelled on her and went to bed early.

Almost feel like I need a reset to gather energy back, yesterday was like a reset of doing nothing in the afternoon, I feel way better now but I am also mindful I might just be in the cycle of a super productive morning and feeling motivated then just drop off at lunch, I guess I can make a commitment to hit the gym earlier today if it means I will get it done and then if I have to just check out in the afternoon maybe I can try do a healthier habit or something other than watching porn and binge eating.

No matter what happens though I am committed to changing this, I do want fast and instant results I guess that is being human, but I have been at this for ages, and almost feels like the past week or two have gotten worse, my weight is well up, but it could also be part of my process and I need to focus on the wins with my routine being much better, I have never in my life made my bed and now I have done it for almost 2 weeks, I noticed if I make my bed daily then it just makes it super easy to make it in the morning so that's an easy one I do as soon as I get out of bed, meditation is a new one, daily morning routine I have not skipped either, and days where I felt like doing nothing and skipping the gym I at least at a minimum did some mobility stretches and tib raises for my knee rehab
 
So been sitting with a few things, I think I am causing myself a lot of distress trying to compare to a former self with rose-coloured glasses.

I think I am just stuck in a bit of a cycle of overwhelm and burnout whilst trying to be perfect and do everything I think I can do but ultimately not doing then that fuels a self-hate and shame cycle which leads to the not good enough/ I suck identity and then I think the food and porn comes along to keep me safe from feeling that.

A big issue is I think I have some comparing mechanism of when I was getting a lot done in my earlier/mid 20's but I also may have only the positives around that in my memory as there was a lot of emotional numbness.
What I mean by this is I felt like I was super productive over what I am able to do now, there were times in my past when I was able to work long hours + date + gym + run a side hustle + go to uni whereas now I feel like I am just stuck in a cycle of being burnt out and a pattern of super productive mornings then crashing in the afternoon then feeling uneasy in that state until I self medicate.
I think there is an element where back then I had fewer responsibilities around finances living at home along with cleaning duties and stuff.

Like when I moved out of home at first I was able to do most of this stuff, I was a little underproductive with work stuff though I managed to get a lot done but I think I also had a little support from my old room mate as he used to look after paying all the bills and stuff then I would just pay him an amount each month, whereas now I do absolutely everything which I can do but maybe it's just adding to my plate which I am ignoring so when I don't keep the same amount of workload in other areas and then feel like I am not performing as well or feeling tired or exhausted then I start self-hate and self-blame cycles.
Or it could be that I am feeling more emotions, and more stuff is popping up as well compared to being super numb, and maybe I am still ignoring some of that stuff and it is sitting on my plate which then leads to feeling over overwhelm and being burnt out.
But the pattern seems to be that I am having really good mornings, I am motivated, I am doing a lot of really good things in the morning with my routine now, I even started doing some short meditations so building that habit, making my bed and stuff, and doing more at work but it's just a cycle of like after gym and food I do a little more work then feel burnt out as fuck.

A lot of the interaction of burnout is also the porn use which pops up at random times which I feel like after using it zaps a shitload of energy and motivation.

Then this leads to self-soothing and medicating with sugar and shit foods at night which is pulling me away from my weight loss goal.

So maybe I am asking too much of myself for where I am at right now, but it is really annoying to be in this position and have a north star and goals I want to crush but I just am not performing to hit them might be a little bit of the whole complex of constantly being told I am way better than I am and the only reason why I don't perform is because I am being lazy since I was a little kid
 
I had a little realisation on how I have a few parts of me that keep coming up and ultimately maybe some ego in this as well.
So toying with the idea of there is a part of me that was really fast progress, so when I feel motivated or am moving towards something I pile on so much stuff and keep adding and adding rather than just building a new baseline at that level.
The other part is super hard on myself, so when I slip or don't perform I am then super hard on myself and compare myself being like you did that for 2 weeks why can't you do it now, you must be shit and suck type negative self talk.
Then there is an ego complex of wanting to be a certain level or being or maybe a perfectionistic part of me which wants to keep moving to doing things perfectly and not allowing imperfections to be a win still.

I am trying to focus on being easier on myself, not beating myself up and when I have the energy just do something healthy and for me.

I think I am going to put trying to quit porn on the back burner for now, and not be perfect with my eating but just try and fill up on healthier foods.

My morning routine has been very good, my morning commitments are going super well, so I am starting the day off well but slumping in the afternoon.
Been making my bed daily on a 17 day streak also my meditation in the morning on a 12 day streak, I think I need to let go of being perfect with the meditation or the fear of doing it wrong or that is is meant to change or fix anything and just focus on doing imperfectly with guided meditations for now sort of just getting into the mind gym and trying.

So trying to build in more positivity and see where I am doing well whilst giving myself grace for things that add to my plate or pile on that I take on which I think I have neglected a lot
 
I have been super slack with posting on here, just still feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted with everything. Been inspired though with content marketing stuff using AI which has been fun to play around with so I have been consistent with posting text-based content of late with AI giving me a few ideas but then also just experimenting with posting raw, unfiltered without the help of AI on threads as it's a new platform so slowly been seeing what happens with it.

I also from Hinge had a date earlier in the week so that's #74 nothing too crazy just invited straight to mine was good fun. I have slowed down a lot with using apps might delete them, had a bunch of times I have not swiped or replied as I just can't be fucked at the moment.

This leads on to a lot of things where this feeling of exhaustion has come and lingered a little, it's odd though, I feel like if I do more in my business then I feel exhausted in other areas, if I do more in other areas then I feel exhausted and unproductive in business stuff. So something I am working on, gaining weight, eating shit foods obviously is making this worse, but it is also like a cope, so its an annoying cycle to be in.

So just trying to stick to what I can and so far I am approaching almost 1 month of making my bed and doing my morning routine every day, it has been helpful for days where I felt like doing nothing then just go up did my routine and went on with my day. I guess I just want to keep working towards doing more, maybe I have a capacity and I am pushing way past that so I am toying with the idea of either needing to take better breaks or hire a cleaner or something as I do everything for myself right now whilst also trying to run a business and deal with less than ideal people at times
 
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