Breakup with Korean Chick
This is a bittersweet rite of passage.
Ended it with the first girl I dated and actually cared about.
This is a longgg post & a bit of a tone change for me.
I usually keep it brief and about actions. But this is more a of a journal entry for myself so I'll give a quick summary for anyone who just wants to get what happened without the novel.
Quick Summary
Broke up with a girl I felt was settle-down material so I could move and hit bigger dating goals.
It's a breakup. The whole experience sucks. I feel excited, indifferent and mildly depressed at different points in the day.
She made me second guess all my goals about moving and I felt like ending my dating phase to see where this goes.
But I couldn't get over the regret I thought I would feel later, so we had a 'Where is this going talk?' and realized it's not really going anywhere as much as we like each other. And then had a very mutually hard, but actually pretty awesome breakup by going on an awesome weekend trip to bury it. Still sucks, but it needed to happen unfortunately. If you read my older posts. The writing was on the wall.
Point of this Post
Mostly for me.
I'm gonna give some context,
Give myself some lessons for next time
Explain the relationship and share some wisdom that's helped me a lot.
Context of this post
So I'm coming out of a breakup. Super fresh. And this is tough. Unlike everything else in this pickup journey where the pain was usually frustration this is driven from a sense of loss.
A lot of the lessons I give are going to apply for those wanting a relationship a serious one. And probably not going to be useful for the guy who dreams of being a lifelong player.
This is for relationships and deep runs with one girl not dating and what to do on the first 10 dates.
How it feels
Feels like losing a very close friend.
In one hour I can feel:
- extreme excitement about a new future
- indifference/feeling normal
- Grief and depressing sense of loss
It's weird because I saw this coming. But I have these thoughts that just enter my mind. Problem is my drive home passes by her condo and I see her light on in her bedroom, and think normally we would be together. And for some reason that thought triggers a feeling of lifelessness, and all I want to do is call her.
And it takes all the discipline in the world not to call her.
Or I come home and see my couch and tv, and the room just feels lifeless, like a return to an old meaningless life devoid of color or joy.
And then later I'll leave the house and be totally fine. Life is good.
For the most part the day feels pretty normal. majority of the day is normal, but I'll have these random reminders and if triggers a brief bout of depression.
---
That's what it feels like and I'm sure any guy gone through this can relate.
---
At times it feels like I'm making a huge mistake and should just go see her again. Is moving to Korea really worth all this pain? I mean the sacrifice feels unbearable at times.
And then an hour later. I'm feeling excited and ready. It's like this endless loop.
Before I got into dating everyone says breakups are hard, or they really just straight up suck. Now I get it. Ya they suck. Definitively suck.
And I'm saying that coming off from a 6 month relationship I knew was doomed from the start, having a mutual breakup where we both had the same feelingsz and then spent one more week together doing nothing but fun shit, with lots of love, laughes & sex. I don't think the breakup could've happened in a better way. But I'm still gonna say this is the suckiest part of this whole dating phase.
I'm really curious how I'll see this in 3 months
Perception change on women
This was a girl I was seeing 5x a week. Phoning every day we didn't meet. Dating a girl like this really changes my perception of game and women.
Girls can actually be awesome and dating this Korean girl really showed me that. Theres so much I liked about her.
3 Main things I liked
- she was super smart. 3.95 GPA in uni.
- strived to have better and better habits
- ultimately just a very well developed human (I find that's hard to find with girls)
3 things I didn't like
- would complain everytime she had to cook a restrictive meal to match my diet
- became an irrational wreck on her period
- too much of a rule follower (probly an Asian thing)
I think what makes it hard is that when you meet a good person. You don't just find someone you like but someone who almost seems like a feminine version of you. Grew up the same, same struggles, same priveledges you had, same wanderlust, same vision for the future (for the most part).
We basically agreed on everything. She was an environmentalist slowly turning vegan and I felt like a vegan slowly caring about the planet. I mean I never really talk about my views on this forum because it's not really relevant or helpful. But having someone who feels passionately about a subject you care about is so rare. And I think it's something only an activist or someone who feels like an outsider in some viewpoint would understand.
Really curious what Ill think about this in a year.
Timeline of relationship
MARCH/ APRIL
I was gaming about 3 different girls, sleeping with two of them, trying to get the other one in my bed. Online Dating was becoming a serious crutch and hurting growth in other areas I needed to work on (like cold approach) so on the advice of Troy I basically decided "Ok I'm gonna finish up the leads I have from online, and go approach".
Had 4 girls left I was talking to, and then I met this girl, and thought nothing of her besides just oh interesting she's Asian and likes to travel.
Went on the first date and actually found a lot I liked about her. Nothing special, just another girl curious about me being vegan. But it turned out she was trying to be vegetarian, liked to Travel, was super smart, and Korean. So I thought hey this is cool.
She was hard to sleep with.
First date: Coffee date (no attempt to pull).
Second date: Went to a restaurant, then back to her place to play board games, so obvious she was not inviting me back sex. So didn't escalate.
Third date: I didn't want to spiral into a platonic relationship so I invited her straight to my place, cooked up some vegan food and then watched a movie and escalated. Got close, but no full on sex. She said her libido was gonna be a problem (which is funny, because she basically wanted sex from me every day later on).
Fourth date: Went to her place. She cooked. She was super in the mood for sex but on her period, so we basically grinded hard but no sex.
Fifth date: Don't remember anything besides banging a lot.
Then after that I basically went over everynofht for the next 5 nights in a row and banged. Super intense sex, it was great. And then we started calling each other a lot.
In hindsight I see how we both just kind of got lost in it and didn't follow any rules.
Somewhere along the way I forgot about moving and was listening to more senior pickup veteran friends (not on KYIL, who said k needed relationship practice). So thought well shit this feels great so I'll keep going.
6 weeks in we booked a getaway to a secluded resort town out of season. That was such a nice retreat. And I started to get sold on the idea of a relationship. That trip in itself was just magical honestly. Can't describe it any other way.
MAY & JUNE
She goes to Hawaii. And I start to wonder about my loftier dating goals and get conflicted because I'm finding myself intensely emotionally involved with a girl I can (from that point and time, and currently honestly) see myself settling down with. But! Would I regret never going to Toronto or Korea? Or never getting another cold approach lay or never trying dating at my ideal bodyweight?
Those thoughts haunted me. Couldn't sleep some nights it bothered me so much. Radical basically convinced me, great girls are not one in a million but maybe like one in fifty. So even losing this girl would not be the end. And it was that and tidbits of other advice with some reflection that made me realize I had to keep going with dating. No matter how great this was, the last thing I wanted was a very messy breakup years later and feeling too old to move to Korea for a year or two for pure hedonistic pleasure.
So I came back to Calgary and told her, Ok I'm gonna go to Korea. And she said ok cool for how long? Maybe 2 months I lied.
Deep down, I still wasn't sure if Id change my mind later or kick myself for not seeing her longer.
So I waited.
JULY/ AUGUST
2 months go by, the relationship deepens a lot. Goes from what feels pretty casual, to semicasual to getting serious. She starts going to open houses with me. We do more awesome and exotic weekend stuff, like going to Hamilton, kayaking, going hiking, meeting friends, etc.
... And of course I feel conflicted again because I wanted to go to Korea still. Or did I? My mind would jump and back and forth.
Anyway. It started to become painfully obvious as I started to see guys like colgate lose his virginity or Toast slam some cute Japanese chicks, that I was slacking, and I missed the excitement of growing and accomplishing awesome goals.
So I got more aggressive with my goals to move, talking to more people in Korea about logistics and how to get a visa, speaking to 2 dating coaches over there and getting involved in a very small but engaged Korean pickup group.
She started to wonder why I was in such a hurry, and why I had scheduled a random weekend seminar on confronting issues.
So last Sunday we had some pillow talk and discussed our goals, and came to the conclusion from her end and mine, that we were purposefully not including the other one in it, almost like we both knew it wasn't going to work. And so it came down to her crying and saying "I can't make the words come out of my mouth". As she was struggling to say we should breakup. I agreed.
Just so happened that we had that convo at 2am Monday morning. So we both called in sick and decided to spend the next day going for a long walk discussing the relationship and getting closure. That was a very very bittersweet day. Lots of tears.
At this point we decide well, why don't we send off the relationship in an awesome way. So be decide to spend $1000 to book a resort and do a bunch of fun activities.
This next week was weird because we knew it was over but were still seeing other like it wasn't.
Weekend comes and we go hiking, go to the hot tub, eat fine dining, talk at night over a fireplace in our room, go to art galleries. I mean so weird were doing all this super romantic stuff as people breaking up.
Honestly I'd point to this weekend as the highlight of the year. And I'm sure she would to.
We come back to Calgary, and talk about how we want to move forward. We create an open door policy, like any contact is fine, but mutually agree to hold off on it so we can allow space for recovery.
... So as of yesterday we are actually done.
Stayed at her place, hugged each other before going to work. And that's it. It's over. That particular moment sucked ballssssss.
Personal Fears
There were/are a lot of fears with this breakup. I honestly don't know when I'll find a girl this great again. And the pure amount of volume of girls I'll have to go through seems idk the word, tedious, annoying, not worth it. But some veteran guys kicked some sense into me.
Productive Beliefs I Adopted
This is a blessing in disguise.
You get multiple plays for a relationship.
Theres no such thing as a one-time great relationship ticket. It's not like you get one chance to have a great girl or stay single your whole life. You're wired to connect emotionally with A person, not 1 person. Meaning there's multiple people you can connect with, but just at differebt times. Theres no "The One" there's many "One"s.
Every relationship is an upgrade if your learning lessons.
So if the last one was great you're not too far away from pure amazing.
This is temporary pain for an amazing gain
(going to Korea and fulfilling other dating goals).
Remember. You were happy before you met her.
Took that one from Andy.
Breakup Wisdom
Even tho the relationship was great. Doesn't mean it was meant to be.
If I'm being honest, everything was great about this girl. All the big boxes were checked off with a lot of nice bonuses. But it was not the right time, and we ARE breaking up for a REASON.
If you're an actual player and figured out your dating life you won't be clinging onto the wrong girl.
Theres no such thing as the perfect girl, but you know when something isn't meant to be. And it takes that self-awaeness of realizing it probably isn't right.
If you're a vegan, you basically have a buffet of girls on a silver platter.
That's what my vegan brother (whose probably the most experienced non-pickup guy I know) said. And now that I think about it totally makes sense. For me to find another vegetarian/vegan girl it's very doable. For my ex to find another guy like me, it's nearly impossible. Let's face it. Most guys are NOT vegan, and if they are their dickless, feminine, androgenous chumps. For a vegan/vegetarian girl I'm basically the most alpha Chad guy she will ever meet. Funny, but kinda true.
If you're not clear on youre purpose your at risk to slide back with the wrong girl.
The relationship was working for a long list of reasons, but if you're not clear on your priorities for ending it. If you don't have a clear vision it's easy to compromise and go back into something you shouldn't. Great friend who used to do pickup (RSD style) now running a successful business with his wife told me that.
If you play the numbers game, occasionally you'll find a girl who surprises you in a really good way.
I hope that you guys can find a girl who fits you like a glove and inspires you to be a better man. Because that's how this girl made me feel a lot. She had so much of her life together, moved across the ocean, barely knowing the language l, and now is making 6 figures, investing in herself and building her investments. She said I inspired her a lot, but she did that for me too. Really cool to meet someone like that.
You attract who you are. Duh.
But this isnt just some hazy concept. You can look at the quality of your girlfriend and your relationship and use it as a gauge to see how well your doing in your life, your finances, your personal development, your health, etc. It's pretty common to find a shitty girl with a shitty guy, and a great girl with a great guy. This doesn't happen by accident. If you look out on the street you can see hot girls with hot guys. Like obviously that happens, But I'm gonna suggest, you can even gauge all the other stuff, like well-roundedness, maturity, ambition, growth, etc too.
Personal Lessons/Mistakes
HOW A GIRL FITS INTO YOUR LIFE.
This is purely my opinion. And this has more to do with my values, and might not be a good idea for every guy out there.
Game is marketing and the tactics useful there dont alwats equate to a meaningful relationship.
I learnt this after talking to my friend. former pickup guy, now married.
One of the criticisms I got from this girl was that she felt like I was scheduling her around my work and personal development. If I was working or had a client. I would see her after everything. If I wanted to read a book, I would see her after.
And I think a lot of more veteran guys here would applaud that as the right move. And for a girl you're not in a serious relationshio with. That IS probably the right move.
But eventually what got you here, won't get you there.
Or more explicitly what got you laid, might not get you a serious relationship.
My friend who totally is familiar with pickup tactics and gaming girls and being boyfriend potential and not boyfriend material. And I got his opinion on this stuff.
"You're purpose in life should always be priority #1. You're relationship shouldnt be priority 1, but it also shouldnt be priority 2. Instead it should be the same priority as your purpose in life. You take the girl along with you and work together, she's involved in your goals and what your building. She's a partner in your quest in life."
Interdependence. Not dependent on the other person. But also not independent of the other person.
He views it as building an empire. And the empire is his family. The more I talk to him about that, the more it makes sense. I've always hated that phrase as it appears more from instagram isnoirtaional quotes and seemed to lack meaningful substance. But now I get it. You're on the same team, building something great together, build an asset base in friends, experiences, finances, everything. So the empire analogy makes sense now.
LETTING THE GIRL KNOW YOU LIKE HER.
So preface is that this might only work for certain archetypes of girls.
I over indexed on being a player and basically chose not to label the relationship and didn't really call her my girlfriend or communicated what i appreciated about her.
Because I thought that stuff was just bad practice in a relationship and for girls to like you.
But the truth was she really did seem like a girlfriend, and I appreciates a lot about her. She just had to assume all of that. And it meant she wasn't sure where we stood for a lot of time. I think eventually she got the message and knew that I liked her, but it was unfair for her. And I regret not being more communicative.
A girl interested in a longterm thing will want to know eventually that I want something long-term with her. I don't think thats naturally explicit (although I'm not sure. I'm also a noob). So I'll have to be more communicative about that next time.
Managing Breakup Pain
This is a work in progress. But thankfully I'm having my first relationship after being exposed to game and having high quality friends and mentors.
So here's some points of wisdom I got from my older bro, a dating coach, my ex-player friend whose married with a successful business and some podcasts said.
Relationships are a sudden dramatic shock to your routine. Your girlfriend dominated your schedule because you liked spending time with her, you told her about dumb shit nobody else cared about. Now that's gone, and all that time and those thoughts have nowhere to go except towards grief.
A breakup is like gas in an empty room. You don't have anything going on your personal life besides 'Breakup' alll your gonna think about is breakup. You need to distract yourself and get back to your old habits and single life routine ASAP. If you're life is full of hanging out, movies, gym, work, business, etc. Your not gonna be dwelling on the breakup because you're too busy.
Actions Immediately after the Breakup
- Go see friends and distract yourself. The last thing you want is to be in an empty room by yourself thinking about the loss.
- Crowd your schedule with things to do.
- process emotions and give yourself two hours a day to just journal and sort out your fresh and painful feelings.
- Think about your future goals and slowly (or quickly) introduce good habits, like the gym, career goals, etc.
- Jerk off if you need to.
- everything that feels wrong in your life, is probably a normal breakup thought and doesn't necessarily mean everything is wrong.
- There really isn't a way to get avoid the pain. You just gotta do your best to handle it gracefully and go through the pain. Not around it.
- Focus on your big goals. This is just a mis-step towards your vision. Remind yourself the vision is still alive you just need to course correct.
The Future
A lot of good stuff from this girl rubbed off on me.
I'm not a normie and never really wanted to be.
But eventually I want to play for keeps and settle down.
Which like Andy pointed out in a blog post he made. Seems unfathomable when you're freshly new to this stuff. But for me, I just realized the happiness from having a girl you like is a lot better than the happiness from purely casual sex.
Eventually I do want to play for Keeps. I always wondered if I would be a guy who wants polyamory or monogamy, after this it seems pretty clear I want one girl, but who really knows I've already changed my mind a few times. This has been the most fulfilling phase of my life, but I do actually want to see a conclusive end in the not too distant future.
...
For the next girl I want someone equally virtuous, doesn't have to be all the same perks as this girl, but just the same degree of being a well-developed person. That's actually really important.
Probably being some form of vegetarian is a must too, or not. But ya plenty of girls like that. And the nice thing is that girls who are like that are going to be interested in me.
...
Overall
It sucks.
I feel indifferent, excited, then hopeless and depressed all at different points throughout the day.
But the important thing to remember was that this breakup was for a reason. And that was to move and round out my dating goals.
Very similar to Devin this relationship ended so I could go and do something bigger. But I'll just have to be a single guy in Calgary for a bit. And then this shit will pay off.
I don't want to squander this moment.
...
A200 tagging you cuz youre in the same boat and should probably read this.|
flag. It was pretty freaking cool.
