Manly Cockfellow said:
If you want a serious long-term relationship that you can feel loved, and appreciated and accepted in while just being yourself (because why would you want a relationship with someone you can't be yourself around???) you've got to start being yourself and stop playing these hide-my-feelings-and-desires games
Your post is so good. You really got me thinking about this, so I'll take a break from working and add some personal thoughts. This isn't specifically aimed at Manganiello .
To be yourself is the missing part for so many, I was the same (I'm certainly not perfect now, but I've grown a lot from where I was). I remember thinking before having success with women, all I want is to have success with them. But really, it's a false panacea.
I am sure many that feel this way have some past traumatic issues. (For instance - I did, super heavy young childhood experiences I blocked out until my mid-twenties, just tried to bury them and never think about them). For a while, it worked, from the outside I was OK, and internally, too, I was alright, happy, successful etc. But I was so guarded, I never showed my true self to anyone.
I remember thinking that women are everything, what I need is just to have a few for sex. Then after I learned a little bit of outer game etc, and having a few, I met a great one and we got into a relationship. She fell in love with me quickly, while I liked her a lot (the sex was great and she was fun to be around). I was obsessed with doing all the stuff that first attracted her, like being "alpha" and whatever, I was scared of losing her, I was
never my truely open self with anyone, not my best friends, no-one. I was also jealous and highly insecure.
Six months into our relationship, my girlfriend encouraged me to open up and share my deepest fears and emotions. (This was also helped by doing MDMA for the first time a couple of weeks previously, with my best friend. I don't specifically recommend it, and even that night we had the plan to just go out to a club and chase girls, but it was too intense so we stayed in my flat and had a really intense, super personal chat, it was the first time I'd ever been actually truely open with anyone).
Anyways, 2 weeks later, I did talk a bit with my girlfriend, and try to be more open. Honestly I was fucking terrified, like telling her for the first time I was scared of stuff, bad stuff from my past, I felt like she would listen and then leave me. Getting so personal about stuff that really isn't a DHV, crying in front of her etc. Like being super "unmanly", and visually I am a big tough guy who can easily make people afraid of me and I thought that's why she loved me.
As our conversation deepened, I was taken aback by her genuine care and empathy. So supportive. Women in general are more caring and empathatic (makes them good at raising babies). She wanted me to talk talk talk, while she listened to me (I wanted solutions, I didn't give a fuck about talking). But the next day, I honestly felt lighter, like a huge weight off my shoulders. And afterwards, she didn't leave me, she got closer to me, we got a lot closer, I fell in love with her. But my issues were really heavy, and so, she encouraged me to go to therapy. At this point, I wasn't convinced, but I thought I'd try it, just in case, because I did feel a lot better after I first opened up to my girlfriend, and maybe there might be something I could learn. Went to my doctor and got a referral, 2 minute conversation, just told them I was anxious and jealous and don't want to be, and they referred me to do CBT.
After another few months, I finally got an appointment and went to therapy. Again, absolutely terrified. Felt sick for several days beforehand. Walking into that room for the first time was awful, way more scary than approaching the hottest chick or climbing a hard route on a dangerous rock face where one mistake means you die.
Inside was the therapist, this little old woman, and she just started with casual chat, trying to making me feel a bit more at ease. I didn't feel at ease. Initially, I remember scanning the room, thinking that at least she was small so if it got too much I could just run away and she couldn't stop me. From what I remember, she asked me why I was there, and I just said I felt jealous in my relationship. She asked me a little bit about it, and I told her how I felt insecure, have all these urges to be controlling etc. I also told her I was scared to be there. At the end of the first session, I didn't really feel like I'd learned anything, but at least she wasn't horrible, so I went back the next week.
The next week, we got a little deeper. I didn't feel like we were making any progress, but looking back I was opening up more and feeling a little more comfortable.
The third week, we got really into it. Somehow, she got me talking (therapists are really good at this active listening where they listen to you and don't judge you, especially if you tell them you're nervous about saying the stuff), and we got onto my childhood, the really heavy stuff. Not gonna lie, after that session, I felt really fucking exhausted, like I'd run a couple of marathons.
The fourth session, more similar stuff, I recall telling her that my biggest fear in life was that I'd treat my kids like I was treated. I used to believe I was going to repeat the same mistakes of the generations before me, but realistically, I would have killed myself before doing that. By now the therapist basically knew everything about me.
The following sessions were a bit of a blur, I don't remember it all, only remember coming to some realisations. The biggest one was: "it's ok to have feelings". Previously, I just blocked out all the bad feelings, it sounds so obvious, but actually, it really helped me to be able to feel them and know that they will pass.
The other realisation was that we are not destined to repeat mistakes. Plus we worked on some really helpful stuff to help me to deal with when I felt jealous in relationships. I realized that my issues stemmed from an insecure attachment style developed during my childhood. As a child, I received both intense positive and negative attention, which led me to expect that good times in my adult relationships would inevitably be followed by bad ones.
So - highly recommend therapy to anyone.
These days - am I perfect - of course not. But I'm a lot healthier, happier. And a lot more able to have better relationships. Looking back at it, the therapy was the big help - these things would be way too much for a girlfriend to handle alone. I also wouldn't offload them onto them when it's still raw. But nowadays it's not a problem to talk about my past - I don't bring them up on a first date of course, but if I've been dating someone for a couple of months and we get onto childhood topics, I would talk about it and what I learned from it. Like last year, I was dating a girl seriously for a few months and we talked about our pasts, I told her about mine, that it was tough, I cried (because the emotions are still heavy), she was cool with it. And if anything she liked me more because I can actually share my feelings.
The feeling that girls love the actual me, the actual real me, when I'm myself, it's the fucking best. Like good relationships are such beautiful things, and deep down we all want to love and be loved. And my retention is really really good.
If you (the general forum reader) read this far, have stuff you would like to improve and are 50/50 on whether therapy could be good or not for you, I get it, I was in that position, and I'm not going to push it, but there's a lot of potential upside and the downside is just going once and never having to go again if it's not for you.
Suicide's the biggest killer of young men and it's because we don't handle our feelings correctly. Same with stuff like domestic violence and alcoholism. Work on the stuff that bothers you and you can have better relationships, be yourself, have a better life and love your children better. And if anyone's reading and has questions but doesn't want to post, feel free to message anonymously.
I realized "oh hot damn, this gorgeous girl is an explorer just like!".