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Noself's Action Log: Down from 20% BF to 18%
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Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
Ok guys, it's been awhile since updating this log but I'm at 137 cold approaches so far. I got one date out of the approaches since I last updated the log, the date was about an hour long at a Starbucks (couldn't think of a better place).
This girl was one of the hottest girls I've ever cold approached, probably an 8.5/10 and we went on the date a day after I approached her. We kissed after the date, which is cool, my ego did feel really fucking huge after that because I realize my standards aren't too high if I was able to get a date with her. Yeah there was no lay, but now I see what's possible, it looks like she's turning into a ghost now though. I did get down over it, as I was imagining doing things to her in my head but thankfully the next day I got 6 approaches in. I'm just trying to avoid the victim mentality unlike my roommate who is a total black-piller and has given up dating, I've tried to give him advice by saying he should go out in the field more but he just thinks too much man.
Cold Approaches: 137
This girl was one of the hottest girls I've ever cold approached, probably an 8.5/10 and we went on the date a day after I approached her. We kissed after the date, which is cool, my ego did feel really fucking huge after that because I realize my standards aren't too high if I was able to get a date with her. Yeah there was no lay, but now I see what's possible, it looks like she's turning into a ghost now though. I did get down over it, as I was imagining doing things to her in my head but thankfully the next day I got 6 approaches in. I'm just trying to avoid the victim mentality unlike my roommate who is a total black-piller and has given up dating, I've tried to give him advice by saying he should go out in the field more but he just thinks too much man.
Cold Approaches: 137
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
Alright guys time to be vulnerable, felt really down yesterday after the ghost. My mind kept racing for ways to blame myself, I know with dating everything is pretty random and a lottery at this point but I couldn’t help to feel those emotions. Also got blocked by a girl that I met at a bar but she had 3 kids so yeah….. and then blocked by another girl from a cold approach session after asking for coffee. Yeah I felt like shit and a lot of my confidence and self-esteem is getting stomped on but I gotta keep pushing. I’m looking at the goal of approaching 1,000 girls as very difficult, like fuck dude. Also there is the standard societal stigma of doing this that is eating at me, I feel like a pervert, a creep, a weirdo, these are all the things that my mind is telling me. But this day is a new one and there is room for change.
PinchePendejo
Member
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2021
Keep pushing. The inner turmoil is something we all go through when in a slump. You’ll eventually obtain success and be grateful you kept going. Nothing worth having comes easy. This is supposed to be challenging.
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
Relateable.
Had three months of this, and it does do a number on your mental health.
Learning to let go, also processing the internal pain somehow, long walks, breathwork, things like this help your subconscious deal with this
Ghosting and no connection texts are probably going to happen to a fair few of us in the first year or two
You do gain thicker skin, trust me on that one
Keep going but if you have this for many dates in a row (this happen to me almost 30 times), there is a point where you will have to break down the date and review your strategy.
Otherwise, you’re doing just fine.
MAC
Had three months of this, and it does do a number on your mental health.
Learning to let go, also processing the internal pain somehow, long walks, breathwork, things like this help your subconscious deal with this
Ghosting and no connection texts are probably going to happen to a fair few of us in the first year or two
You do gain thicker skin, trust me on that one
Keep going but if you have this for many dates in a row (this happen to me almost 30 times), there is a point where you will have to break down the date and review your strategy.
Otherwise, you’re doing just fine.
MAC
Crisis_Overcomer
Member
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2020
Noself said:
That's your ego trying to defend itself. Can't do much other than taking action. I'll tell you that it gets easier the more you do it. I'm at 3k approaches right now and haven't had a session for 10+ days. Yet the gains are there and I'll be back on track if I resume.
Jacobpalmer123
Member
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2020
Heres a post from Hunk on GLL
Another perspective for you. Just remember parts of society also think its ok to lets kids have sex change surgery before the age of 18 so society is what it is. You make your own rules.
We all have these thoughts, sometimes its best to just not give them any attention. Good luck.
Another perspective for you. Just remember parts of society also think its ok to lets kids have sex change surgery before the age of 18 so society is what it is. You make your own rules.
We all have these thoughts, sometimes its best to just not give them any attention. Good luck.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
1 June 2022
1/5 (142)
Got one number today from 5 approaches, the girl is showing high interest so my mood has been lifted after the inner turmoil yesterday. One approach was on a store manager who rejected me in a hilarious way, holy fuck man, I asked how long has she been working at the store and she said "I'm not allowed to share that information" and I just left because she just gave me a bad vibe, so fuck it. I accidently ran into a girl I approached on Monday that worked at an H&M while I was sitting in front of the H&M, she walked up to me and we had a small conversation. Honestly it made me feel good even though she didn't respond to my initial text but I learned that she had a kid so I kept that in mind, but she was a lot nicer than I perceived in my initial cold approach. I just told her to hit me up when she wants to have a good time and she said ok.
1/5 (142)
Got one number today from 5 approaches, the girl is showing high interest so my mood has been lifted after the inner turmoil yesterday. One approach was on a store manager who rejected me in a hilarious way, holy fuck man, I asked how long has she been working at the store and she said "I'm not allowed to share that information" and I just left because she just gave me a bad vibe, so fuck it. I accidently ran into a girl I approached on Monday that worked at an H&M while I was sitting in front of the H&M, she walked up to me and we had a small conversation. Honestly it made me feel good even though she didn't respond to my initial text but I learned that she had a kid so I kept that in mind, but she was a lot nicer than I perceived in my initial cold approach. I just told her to hit me up when she wants to have a good time and she said ok.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
3 June 2022
2/12 (154)
12 approaches today, but my emotions are getting at me from the no texts/ghosting from the other phone numbers I’ve gotten earlier this week. Small feelings of hopelessness, and resentment towards women, my mind is envious of the accessibility in options that they have. Why, why am I becoming resentful? If I truly opened up to anybody the amount of pain that I feel from trying to complete this goal, they will never understand. I think sometimes I’m crazy to be feeling these feelings or that no other man around me in my area feels the same. Why does nobody talk about this? I ask myself. I envy the people that are in relationships because deep down they don’t know my pain. These are not factual beliefs, I’m writing this to log the thoughts going through my brain. Good effort today though, gotta just keep trying.
2/12 (154)
12 approaches today, but my emotions are getting at me from the no texts/ghosting from the other phone numbers I’ve gotten earlier this week. Small feelings of hopelessness, and resentment towards women, my mind is envious of the accessibility in options that they have. Why, why am I becoming resentful? If I truly opened up to anybody the amount of pain that I feel from trying to complete this goal, they will never understand. I think sometimes I’m crazy to be feeling these feelings or that no other man around me in my area feels the same. Why does nobody talk about this? I ask myself. I envy the people that are in relationships because deep down they don’t know my pain. These are not factual beliefs, I’m writing this to log the thoughts going through my brain. Good effort today though, gotta just keep trying.
Avihihi
Member
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2021
Noself said:
I've felt this way before too. I think we all go through it until we start getting more consistent results. It still comes back too. So don't worry about being alone on it as I think we all relate to it haha.
Good job on the approaches and numbers btw
jeff550
Member
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2022
Noself said:
I know how you feel man, but I'm sure you know its so important to try your best to push any resentment away. I feel he reason most men don't know these feelings is they are too afraid to actually try. Most other men I know just date the first girl that will sleep with them and are happy with that/too afraid of going through what we're going through. What keeps me motivated is once I reach the other side I know I have these skills for life, just gotta keep pushing through the shit now.
But I will say its okay to feel sad, the rejections have gotten to me to, and they in fact do a number on your mental health. I just try and embrace the sadness for a bit and then move on, and the bounce back period gets shorter each time.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
4 June 2022
2/10 (164)
Decent day, but I felt the mall was lackluster in terms of any good-looking women. The 2 numbers that I got today haven't been that responsive to my text, so oh well, but "nice" reactions today I feel like a man. The amount of confidence that I'm gaining is off the charts, it's like you are meant to do this as a man, my masculine energy feels like it's growing and I'm becoming more in tune with my sexuality. I just can't believe I've lived in a bubble my whole life being ashamed of even having sex, feeling like I don't deserve this but it's like peeling an orange, new layers of myself are being exposed. I have to admit to myself that my other self-improvement goals before cold-approaching were honestly a cope, virtue-signaling to a false conception of what the perfect man should be but without tapping into my masculine energy. After being shitted-on for so long by being a nice guy, I got obsessed over art, as it was the only way to truly express my emotions without being shamed by society for expressing my masculinity or what little of it there was. It was a cope, I see it now, I have to make-up lost time. The more I understand approach anxiety, the more I see that all of society is kind of based off it (now hear me out), we as men are told to go to school, get high-paying jobs, work on our bodies, dress nice, and find other ways to gain status to increase our chances of getting a mate. But the sad thing is that we forget the basic component of talking to girls and getting rejected, which honestly gives you more confidence then the other pursuits that take compounding over time to become attractive. These were all thoughts that I was just thinking about today.
2/10 (164)
Decent day, but I felt the mall was lackluster in terms of any good-looking women. The 2 numbers that I got today haven't been that responsive to my text, so oh well, but "nice" reactions today I feel like a man. The amount of confidence that I'm gaining is off the charts, it's like you are meant to do this as a man, my masculine energy feels like it's growing and I'm becoming more in tune with my sexuality. I just can't believe I've lived in a bubble my whole life being ashamed of even having sex, feeling like I don't deserve this but it's like peeling an orange, new layers of myself are being exposed. I have to admit to myself that my other self-improvement goals before cold-approaching were honestly a cope, virtue-signaling to a false conception of what the perfect man should be but without tapping into my masculine energy. After being shitted-on for so long by being a nice guy, I got obsessed over art, as it was the only way to truly express my emotions without being shamed by society for expressing my masculinity or what little of it there was. It was a cope, I see it now, I have to make-up lost time. The more I understand approach anxiety, the more I see that all of society is kind of based off it (now hear me out), we as men are told to go to school, get high-paying jobs, work on our bodies, dress nice, and find other ways to gain status to increase our chances of getting a mate. But the sad thing is that we forget the basic component of talking to girls and getting rejected, which honestly gives you more confidence then the other pursuits that take compounding over time to become attractive. These were all thoughts that I was just thinking about today.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
How To Go Out Alone to Bars- First Month
I'm going to start this program by GoodLookingLoser to get over my social anxiety in a bar setting. My job in the military was heavily geared towards being successful in this department, it's pretty much illegal to be an introvert in my job. I understand that I'm an introvert and probably will always be, but it has always fucking negged me that I never had a college experience which is seen as the backbone of growing up in America. That may be a stretch but I've always seen it that way, I am proud of my art, my introverted ways, my ability to focus, my ability to be creative but I understand now that in America you have to get in the door by introducing yourself to people. I completed the AA Program in April and it has changed my life in terms of giving me more options than most men can imagine, no lays yet..... but my oneitis for previous partners has significantly gone down. Daygame is great.... but from the female perspective it is random because it is not the "natural" environment to "talk" to girls. But bars are an environment that most women expect to be hit on or approached, so I want to add this as another weapon in my arsenal.
Week 1: Day 1/3
This day was really easy because of the AA Program, but the hardest aspect was the eye contact with the girls for 2-3 secs. One girl was with her bf while I stared at her and she tried to peep behind her boyfriend's shoulder to look at me. Felt really masculine doing this. Piss easy day though, but I hated the noise in the bar.
Ask the doorman/bouncer "how are you tonight?" before going into the bar. (1) (Complete)
Look or slowly walk around the room and make eye contact with any 3 girls. (3) (4/3 girls)
(2-3 seconds of eye contact)
Ask a bartender or server for a napkin. (1) (Complete)
(even if napkins are in arms distance)
Ask a bartender or server for a cup of water. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone where the bathroom is. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone what time it is. (1) (Complete)
Ask the bartender what kind of Tequila they have. (1) (Complete)
Ask any member of the staff when they stop serving food. (1) (Complete)
I'm going to start this program by GoodLookingLoser to get over my social anxiety in a bar setting. My job in the military was heavily geared towards being successful in this department, it's pretty much illegal to be an introvert in my job. I understand that I'm an introvert and probably will always be, but it has always fucking negged me that I never had a college experience which is seen as the backbone of growing up in America. That may be a stretch but I've always seen it that way, I am proud of my art, my introverted ways, my ability to focus, my ability to be creative but I understand now that in America you have to get in the door by introducing yourself to people. I completed the AA Program in April and it has changed my life in terms of giving me more options than most men can imagine, no lays yet..... but my oneitis for previous partners has significantly gone down. Daygame is great.... but from the female perspective it is random because it is not the "natural" environment to "talk" to girls. But bars are an environment that most women expect to be hit on or approached, so I want to add this as another weapon in my arsenal.
Week 1: Day 1/3
This day was really easy because of the AA Program, but the hardest aspect was the eye contact with the girls for 2-3 secs. One girl was with her bf while I stared at her and she tried to peep behind her boyfriend's shoulder to look at me. Felt really masculine doing this. Piss easy day though, but I hated the noise in the bar.
Ask the doorman/bouncer "how are you tonight?" before going into the bar. (1) (Complete)
Look or slowly walk around the room and make eye contact with any 3 girls. (3) (4/3 girls)
(2-3 seconds of eye contact)
Ask a bartender or server for a napkin. (1) (Complete)
(even if napkins are in arms distance)
Ask a bartender or server for a cup of water. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone where the bathroom is. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone what time it is. (1) (Complete)
Ask the bartender what kind of Tequila they have. (1) (Complete)
Ask any member of the staff when they stop serving food. (1) (Complete)
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
How To Go Out Alone to Bars- First Month
Week 1: Day 2/3
Went to Philly for these set of drills, went to a gay club/bar for the eye contact drill but then drifted to a bar called Barstool for the rest of the drills. Talked to the bouncer and walked in to sit next to a guy named Tre. Immediately asked him where the bathroom was and made small talk with him after. I didn't really feel any anxiety from being alone even though I was clearly rolling solo by sitting by myself at the bar, I started to talk with the bartender who we shall call "Z". I shook Z's hand and introduced myself, small talk continued. All of the drills were easy once I made that initial introduction with Z, there was another guy named Brandon who walked up to me to initiate a conversation. He worked for the bar itself, then there was one girl that sat next to me which took me by surprise. We had small talk and she explained that she worked for the 76ers in a managerial position, the one thing that I'm noticing is that my conversations seem to interviewee by me asking questions over and over. This relates to my cold approach skills, I know the majority of guys on this forum say that you shouldn't worry about game but I feel a little redundant in these conversations. I'm just proud of myself for initiating a conversation with the 2 girls that sat next to me, it's all about the baby steps.
Ask the doorman/bouncer "how are you tonight?" before going into the bar. (1) (Complete)
Look or slowly walk around the room and make eye contact with any 3 girls. (3) (3/3 girls)
(2-3 seconds of eye contact)
Ask a bartender or server for a napkin. (1) (Complete)
(even if napkins are in arms distance)
Ask a bartender or server for a cup of water. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone where the bathroom is. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone what time it is. (1) (Complete)
Ask the bartender what kind of Tequila they have. (1) (Complete)
Ask any member of the staff when they stop serving food. (1) (Complete)
Week 1: Day 2/3
Went to Philly for these set of drills, went to a gay club/bar for the eye contact drill but then drifted to a bar called Barstool for the rest of the drills. Talked to the bouncer and walked in to sit next to a guy named Tre. Immediately asked him where the bathroom was and made small talk with him after. I didn't really feel any anxiety from being alone even though I was clearly rolling solo by sitting by myself at the bar, I started to talk with the bartender who we shall call "Z". I shook Z's hand and introduced myself, small talk continued. All of the drills were easy once I made that initial introduction with Z, there was another guy named Brandon who walked up to me to initiate a conversation. He worked for the bar itself, then there was one girl that sat next to me which took me by surprise. We had small talk and she explained that she worked for the 76ers in a managerial position, the one thing that I'm noticing is that my conversations seem to interviewee by me asking questions over and over. This relates to my cold approach skills, I know the majority of guys on this forum say that you shouldn't worry about game but I feel a little redundant in these conversations. I'm just proud of myself for initiating a conversation with the 2 girls that sat next to me, it's all about the baby steps.
Ask the doorman/bouncer "how are you tonight?" before going into the bar. (1) (Complete)
Look or slowly walk around the room and make eye contact with any 3 girls. (3) (3/3 girls)
(2-3 seconds of eye contact)
Ask a bartender or server for a napkin. (1) (Complete)
(even if napkins are in arms distance)
Ask a bartender or server for a cup of water. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone where the bathroom is. (1) (Complete)
Ask anyone what time it is. (1) (Complete)
Ask the bartender what kind of Tequila they have. (1) (Complete)
Ask any member of the staff when they stop serving food. (1) (Complete)
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
5 June 2022
0/2 (166)
Lot of AA today, my past rejections from the text conversations that I have had this week are getting to my head. Feelings of hopelessness are rising but I still want to keep pushing. Both the approaches were on store workers and I just felt terrible during them like all of my confidence from the previous days has been zapped. I have to admit that I can't do this alone, I have find a wingman somehow, someway, this is bloodsport to do by yourself.
0/2 (166)
Lot of AA today, my past rejections from the text conversations that I have had this week are getting to my head. Feelings of hopelessness are rising but I still want to keep pushing. Both the approaches were on store workers and I just felt terrible during them like all of my confidence from the previous days has been zapped. I have to admit that I can't do this alone, I have find a wingman somehow, someway, this is bloodsport to do by yourself.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
I feel like I'm doing a massive disservice to myself and the community if I do not truly express my story to you guys. I'm afraid of the perceived consequences of doing this, especially by being this vulnerable on the internet, but it has to be done. I've never told anybody in my life about these issues at all, I prided myself to be a man and to look like I have it all together. But frankly, I'm not, I'm in hell. I feel like the only people that will understand these issues are other men and most particularly the guys on these forums. So here it goes, I noticed a big shift in my mood at the age of around 17 (I'm 23 now) but as I was graduating high school I was not particularly excited about the possibility of continuing school and dreaded the thought of taking bullshit classes that don't teach you anything about the real world. I became so lazy that I didn't even bother to look at scholarships and was completely lost on what I wanted to do with my life, so I decided to just enter the work force by working at a local gym.
The year is 2016 and I'm getting ready for prom with a girl that I briefly dated during the time period, I had so much anxiety going into prom and so much shame to even be with her. She was really cute at the time but for some reason I had this mental block that prevented me from enjoying her company and to be even seen with her. I was a virgin at the time and had performance anxiety going into the night of any potential of getting some that night. She had sex with about 3 guys before me and I felt like I had to perform to even keep her interested in me, story cut short, we didn't have sex that night but continued to date. I had a bad habit of taking some anger out on her by not wanting to talk to her for several hours throughout the day, not bad, but we were teenagers at the time and I took everything personal. We only dated for a month and I found out she another guy as her Twitter profile header and I immediately became jealous because it was a guy that liked her from the past, because of this she decided to break things off from me and immediately went to the guy in her header. Me being a teenager I just became distraught and was devastated, what a great introduction to the dating world. But later that year we were forced to reconcile and come together as one of my old crushes and girl that I could've dated was shot to death by members of a gang in the suburbs of all places. I just became numb because I just didn't know what to do I was just in disbelief like I couldn't believe it, she was 19 I believe when she died and I've always felt regret for not giving her the time of day because she was one of the few girls in school that was genuinely interested in me for me. Her boyfriend at the time was also injured but survived as I believe bullets and glass skimmed his arm. She got shot from trying to help her bf to back into a parking space, this is the first time that I'm actually relieving this time in my life. Prom girl and I were there to grieve for each other, I'm just going to call her "Rose" for the rest of this post for continuity.
Then comes another girl who I'll call "Amy" for the rest of the post. I always had a crush on Amy as I met her online from a mutual friends' Instagram, at this time I had nobody else really to talk to and I for some reason wanted to open up to her, pretty dumb in retrospect but I opened up to her about the death of the other girl and we felt connected for a short period of time. What I'm about to say, is probably the most shameful thing that I've done in my life, but I for some reason bought her a gift for her birthday when we weren't really dating just friends at the time. We made out a couple of times before this but we were both virgins. I would grab her ass through her panties but I was nervous to even do anything past that because I didn't know what to do. Then she nicely asked me to be more physical saying "you're a good kisser but," then she gestured me to touch her breasts but I completely fumbled and took no action. She nicely said she didn't want to be more than just friends, I became just totally distraught from this and I've never told anyone about this. I've never really had a consistent male role figure in my life to ask these questions. We eventually connected back together and I honestly just tried to use the gift to "win" her back I guess, I was retarded man. Still nothing happens for months with her and I joined the military, looking back on it I joined because I wanted somebody to pay attention to me or just give me a certain sense of respect after my lonely teenage years. Meanwhile Amy tries to connect back with me and for some reason I flip out when she wouldn't text me back, classic simp behavior and it came crumbling down when I accidently sent her a screenshot of our text conversation, I was going to use it to ask another friend on what I should text and we just cut off ties from there. The amount of shame from this event has left a scar in my psyche and this is the first time I've told anyone about these events. I will continue my story in the next post in order to prevent it from being too long.
The year is 2016 and I'm getting ready for prom with a girl that I briefly dated during the time period, I had so much anxiety going into prom and so much shame to even be with her. She was really cute at the time but for some reason I had this mental block that prevented me from enjoying her company and to be even seen with her. I was a virgin at the time and had performance anxiety going into the night of any potential of getting some that night. She had sex with about 3 guys before me and I felt like I had to perform to even keep her interested in me, story cut short, we didn't have sex that night but continued to date. I had a bad habit of taking some anger out on her by not wanting to talk to her for several hours throughout the day, not bad, but we were teenagers at the time and I took everything personal. We only dated for a month and I found out she another guy as her Twitter profile header and I immediately became jealous because it was a guy that liked her from the past, because of this she decided to break things off from me and immediately went to the guy in her header. Me being a teenager I just became distraught and was devastated, what a great introduction to the dating world. But later that year we were forced to reconcile and come together as one of my old crushes and girl that I could've dated was shot to death by members of a gang in the suburbs of all places. I just became numb because I just didn't know what to do I was just in disbelief like I couldn't believe it, she was 19 I believe when she died and I've always felt regret for not giving her the time of day because she was one of the few girls in school that was genuinely interested in me for me. Her boyfriend at the time was also injured but survived as I believe bullets and glass skimmed his arm. She got shot from trying to help her bf to back into a parking space, this is the first time that I'm actually relieving this time in my life. Prom girl and I were there to grieve for each other, I'm just going to call her "Rose" for the rest of this post for continuity.
Then comes another girl who I'll call "Amy" for the rest of the post. I always had a crush on Amy as I met her online from a mutual friends' Instagram, at this time I had nobody else really to talk to and I for some reason wanted to open up to her, pretty dumb in retrospect but I opened up to her about the death of the other girl and we felt connected for a short period of time. What I'm about to say, is probably the most shameful thing that I've done in my life, but I for some reason bought her a gift for her birthday when we weren't really dating just friends at the time. We made out a couple of times before this but we were both virgins. I would grab her ass through her panties but I was nervous to even do anything past that because I didn't know what to do. Then she nicely asked me to be more physical saying "you're a good kisser but," then she gestured me to touch her breasts but I completely fumbled and took no action. She nicely said she didn't want to be more than just friends, I became just totally distraught from this and I've never told anyone about this. I've never really had a consistent male role figure in my life to ask these questions. We eventually connected back together and I honestly just tried to use the gift to "win" her back I guess, I was retarded man. Still nothing happens for months with her and I joined the military, looking back on it I joined because I wanted somebody to pay attention to me or just give me a certain sense of respect after my lonely teenage years. Meanwhile Amy tries to connect back with me and for some reason I flip out when she wouldn't text me back, classic simp behavior and it came crumbling down when I accidently sent her a screenshot of our text conversation, I was going to use it to ask another friend on what I should text and we just cut off ties from there. The amount of shame from this event has left a scar in my psyche and this is the first time I've told anyone about these events. I will continue my story in the next post in order to prevent it from being too long.
Noself
Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2021
Pt. 2, Now let's continue! Ok so at this point I'm still a virgin at 20, I had multiple chances to possibly escalate with girls and to lose it but I became paranoid of the act of sex, what if I get her pregnant? was a constant thought in my head. I had an encounter with the previous girl, "Rose" at age 18 that really screwed me up, we were about to have sex but I lost my erection and we tried countless times to get it back up but to no avail, thus scarring me. We didn't even try to have sex after that and we just stopped talking to each other. At this point fast forward 2 years into my military service, I'm training for my new job and I feel an unsettling undertone in my mind, I became extremely lonely working at my job. After work, I would hardly ever get any texts from anybody asking to hang out, it was an extremely lonely existence, where are the parties? the social life? the sex? that I was promised from American society in my early 20s. I lived in the dorms with three other people and they barely ever came outside, two of them would play video games all day everyday.
In 2019 I decided to start drawing as a hobby and committed myself to the craft everyday, I found it as a way to cope with the issues that I was so ashamed to talk about with anybody in public. It became my new obsession, I've always been an introvert and this was one of the few areas in my life where my introversion was desired and had just fit. I would have daydreams of people loving appreciating my future art and I would frequently fantasize a life where I would just make pieces of art as a career, I always drew as a kid but never took it serious, it wasn't until the incidents with Amy that I took it serious. For some fucked up reason though I felt like I could "win" her with my art, still in denial I acted upon that, I remember fondly that she liked my art and looking back on it I probably went hard at the craft to impress her. It became a coping mechanism, jesus, the lack of self-awareness at this time was immense. But there was still intrinsic reasons for me to pursue art, as my whole world view changed, the process became my purpose because art can be seen anywhere. I felt connected for once in my life, connected to the universe, to god perhaps, I've always been an atheist but I couldn't deny the amount of connection that I felt from a god-like force from art.
Back to work, the environment that I worked at was miserable (in terms of people) I hated the people that worked with because they were very extroverted and partied quite frequently. My job involves flying on an airplane to various locations throughout the world, which sounds great on paper but I found a way to massively cope over my shame by not wanting to party with these people. I was afraid if they got me drunk I would be vulnerable in front of them and that they would learn about my past, the story that I'm telling you guys now. And on one of my first trips with these co-workers I had a panic attack right in front of them, one of the key aspects of my job was the "indoctrination" which involves getting you to take really hard shots of absinthe with the goal to get you drunk as possible. We would also visit strip clubs at these various locations which made me deeply uncomfortable because I was still a virgin at the time, I would overhear conversations from my co-workers about paying hookers for sex at these places. Being a virgin, I felt reasonably lonely because of this environment that was completely unnatural for me as an introvert. Thus I entered into my first depressive episode of my 20s which involved me getting chronic headaches everyday and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, I would often have panic attacks in my dorm room and would walk outside to collapse onto the parking lot in hopes of having anybody to just even lay their eyes on me. There would be several times where I would just lay in the grass at night to have anybody to just feel a sense of empathy for me, at this time I still had oneitis for Rose and Amy. And by some dumb luck I lost my virginity at 21 to Rose, who was significantly less attractive then when we met earlier, she gained some weight but I just said fuck it and had sex with her just to lose my virginity, with no condom or birth control on her end. I still felt depressed af this whole time and was bed-ridden on most days, I wouldn't brush my teeth until 5pm on some days. Then another girl I met from Tinder gave me some attention and I had sex with her, but she honestly had sex with me out of pity, she viewed me more as a boy than a man. Honestly though she was really crazy and I'll omit some of the crazier details about her from this post. But I just felt like I was getting lucky in terms of lays and the two girls that I did have sex with honestly did it out of pity because they knew I was in deep pain. Now back to the present day, around 2021, I resolved a bit of my depression enough to be able to go back to work again (at my job there is certain level of physical health you must be at to fly in the air) and I met another girl that I would develop a crush on.
Honestly she was probably my first cold approach ever, I walked up to her and ask for her name and we exchanged numbers but I never directly made it clear that I was attracted to her, basic nice guy shit. I beat around the bush and unfortunately I literally projected all of my insecurities from Amy onto her, I literally relieved the whole experience, I bought her a heater just like how I bought something for Amy. I opened up to her just like I did with Amy, I was afraid to touch her just like with Amy, it is scary how fucking deluded I was. On one night I asked if we could hang out and surprisingly she said yes then we agreed to meet up in her room, she took like a 40 minute shower and when I showed up she was wearing a crop top and short shorts. I didn't know what to think of this as she told me about a previous guy that ghosted her and she displayed her disdain for him. She would say "don't talk about my love life" in a humorous tone basically saying she was over it. Then I opened up to her about my situation at work and how lonely I felt, why did I do this, this was literally deja vu', then I slowly gestured her to lay beside me in the bed, she complied but I slowly started to touch her by rubbing her arm slowly as I talked about life. I didn't make a move, I was too nervous. Then we just ended the night, unfortunately I developed oneitis for her couldn't get her out of my mind, and what made it worse was that I was forced to see her all the time around my job. She knows about my medications and me being on antidepressants because she works for the people that provide those in the pharmacy, and I felt a deep sense of shame everytime I had to see her for it because of I felt like less of a man. After this I found out about GoodLookingLoser and the AA program and I completed it out of desperation to get some type of mutual female attention, everything was going great until I had another panic attack at my job and one person saw me in the bathroom gagging at the toilet (he just saw my legs and torso on the ground), the attack happened after somebody said I was a sheltered person in a group setting. One of the guys told the rest of the group and they started to laugh, I immediately knew and my heart just fell through my body. My job is very reputation based, the way people perceive you is critical to the completion of the job, one bad mistake can ruin your career forever and I just felt so humiliated. This brings us to the present day I'm still battling my depression and loneliness everyday at a time and recently I've been breaking down. I would ask myself, is this it? Is this how my existence is going to be forever? All alone? Waking up feeling like 1,000 pounds to get out of bed. I know one of the key aspects of connection is the ability to be vulnerable in front of others and this is the only platform where I feel like I could do that. This was everything, all of it, the first time I've ever even relived these moments. Thank you guys.
In 2019 I decided to start drawing as a hobby and committed myself to the craft everyday, I found it as a way to cope with the issues that I was so ashamed to talk about with anybody in public. It became my new obsession, I've always been an introvert and this was one of the few areas in my life where my introversion was desired and had just fit. I would have daydreams of people loving appreciating my future art and I would frequently fantasize a life where I would just make pieces of art as a career, I always drew as a kid but never took it serious, it wasn't until the incidents with Amy that I took it serious. For some fucked up reason though I felt like I could "win" her with my art, still in denial I acted upon that, I remember fondly that she liked my art and looking back on it I probably went hard at the craft to impress her. It became a coping mechanism, jesus, the lack of self-awareness at this time was immense. But there was still intrinsic reasons for me to pursue art, as my whole world view changed, the process became my purpose because art can be seen anywhere. I felt connected for once in my life, connected to the universe, to god perhaps, I've always been an atheist but I couldn't deny the amount of connection that I felt from a god-like force from art.
Back to work, the environment that I worked at was miserable (in terms of people) I hated the people that worked with because they were very extroverted and partied quite frequently. My job involves flying on an airplane to various locations throughout the world, which sounds great on paper but I found a way to massively cope over my shame by not wanting to party with these people. I was afraid if they got me drunk I would be vulnerable in front of them and that they would learn about my past, the story that I'm telling you guys now. And on one of my first trips with these co-workers I had a panic attack right in front of them, one of the key aspects of my job was the "indoctrination" which involves getting you to take really hard shots of absinthe with the goal to get you drunk as possible. We would also visit strip clubs at these various locations which made me deeply uncomfortable because I was still a virgin at the time, I would overhear conversations from my co-workers about paying hookers for sex at these places. Being a virgin, I felt reasonably lonely because of this environment that was completely unnatural for me as an introvert. Thus I entered into my first depressive episode of my 20s which involved me getting chronic headaches everyday and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, I would often have panic attacks in my dorm room and would walk outside to collapse onto the parking lot in hopes of having anybody to just even lay their eyes on me. There would be several times where I would just lay in the grass at night to have anybody to just feel a sense of empathy for me, at this time I still had oneitis for Rose and Amy. And by some dumb luck I lost my virginity at 21 to Rose, who was significantly less attractive then when we met earlier, she gained some weight but I just said fuck it and had sex with her just to lose my virginity, with no condom or birth control on her end. I still felt depressed af this whole time and was bed-ridden on most days, I wouldn't brush my teeth until 5pm on some days. Then another girl I met from Tinder gave me some attention and I had sex with her, but she honestly had sex with me out of pity, she viewed me more as a boy than a man. Honestly though she was really crazy and I'll omit some of the crazier details about her from this post. But I just felt like I was getting lucky in terms of lays and the two girls that I did have sex with honestly did it out of pity because they knew I was in deep pain. Now back to the present day, around 2021, I resolved a bit of my depression enough to be able to go back to work again (at my job there is certain level of physical health you must be at to fly in the air) and I met another girl that I would develop a crush on.
Honestly she was probably my first cold approach ever, I walked up to her and ask for her name and we exchanged numbers but I never directly made it clear that I was attracted to her, basic nice guy shit. I beat around the bush and unfortunately I literally projected all of my insecurities from Amy onto her, I literally relieved the whole experience, I bought her a heater just like how I bought something for Amy. I opened up to her just like I did with Amy, I was afraid to touch her just like with Amy, it is scary how fucking deluded I was. On one night I asked if we could hang out and surprisingly she said yes then we agreed to meet up in her room, she took like a 40 minute shower and when I showed up she was wearing a crop top and short shorts. I didn't know what to think of this as she told me about a previous guy that ghosted her and she displayed her disdain for him. She would say "don't talk about my love life" in a humorous tone basically saying she was over it. Then I opened up to her about my situation at work and how lonely I felt, why did I do this, this was literally deja vu', then I slowly gestured her to lay beside me in the bed, she complied but I slowly started to touch her by rubbing her arm slowly as I talked about life. I didn't make a move, I was too nervous. Then we just ended the night, unfortunately I developed oneitis for her couldn't get her out of my mind, and what made it worse was that I was forced to see her all the time around my job. She knows about my medications and me being on antidepressants because she works for the people that provide those in the pharmacy, and I felt a deep sense of shame everytime I had to see her for it because of I felt like less of a man. After this I found out about GoodLookingLoser and the AA program and I completed it out of desperation to get some type of mutual female attention, everything was going great until I had another panic attack at my job and one person saw me in the bathroom gagging at the toilet (he just saw my legs and torso on the ground), the attack happened after somebody said I was a sheltered person in a group setting. One of the guys told the rest of the group and they started to laugh, I immediately knew and my heart just fell through my body. My job is very reputation based, the way people perceive you is critical to the completion of the job, one bad mistake can ruin your career forever and I just felt so humiliated. This brings us to the present day I'm still battling my depression and loneliness everyday at a time and recently I've been breaking down. I would ask myself, is this it? Is this how my existence is going to be forever? All alone? Waking up feeling like 1,000 pounds to get out of bed. I know one of the key aspects of connection is the ability to be vulnerable in front of others and this is the only platform where I feel like I could do that. This was everything, all of it, the first time I've ever even relived these moments. Thank you guys.