-
Welcome to the forums, Guest. Please note that you must make a post in the introduction thread and upload an avatar to gain full access to the forums.
Ravi, Year 3: Self-Improvement Log - Data-Driven, Incremental Growth [DISCIPLINE]
- Thread starter Ravi
- Start date
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Hey gents,
Apologies for my absence last week.
For the past few weeks, since returning from Budapest, I have been called to do a lot of reflection, and my mind has been a very busy place. Deeply, my intuition as a human, has been telling me for some time, Ravi, something is wrong.
This has been a thought, that has been bothering me night and day, for a long time now, to be frank.
Years.
I was not ready to talk about this, for years. For my entire life, I suppressed it.
It is from going on this journey for the past 3 years, the support, the mentoring, the coaching, the working through all of my issues, systematically, one by one, that I have begun to understand myself more. The more I healed myself, and the more I began to enjoy my life, I gained strength, confidence, belief, and now, after many years of work, and pulling my life together, I am ready and strong enough as a man to talk about my real issues.
I am a childhood trauma survivor.
I grew up in a household, with an abusive father.
He was a true demon, and he tortured his own family. Brutally.
The first time I realised my Dad was a bad man, was when I was 4 years old. I knocked a vase off the top of a cabinet, and my Mum freaked out to the point of totally losing her shit. Not because I did something wrong, but because if my Dad found out, she knew what would happen to both of us.
My Dad, got an arranged marriage to a beautiful, beautiful girl from a small village in North India, from a really solid, traditional, God-fearing Sikh family, who married her off, and she was then expected to do her duties as a wife, no matter what. She never met the guy before, and was just sold off like cattle, with no say in the matter, and no option to do anything other than be a slavishly devoted wife and incredible mother. Or, shame her entire family. These force of shame, is a deeply powerful force in Asia, and in traditional family structures. People will literally have their entire soul destroyed, and live in unimaginable agony, before they risk shame.
Which was what happened to us.
As she was beside herself with fear, tears, and praying to God please don't let anything be broken, she saw that only a small piece of the vase had been chipped. She loudly praised God, in her fit of tears, and she could see I was totally puzzled. She said, I've got an idea, and we'll be able to fix it. She frenetically rushed around the house, found some tape, and she found a way to tape the small chip from the inside of the vase, so no one observing it from the outside could tell. She hugged me, and was overjoyed that she was able to fix it "this time", and she tearfully reassured me and made me absolutely promise I will never, ever tell my Dad that I knocked over a vase. She made me swear I wouldn't, and I said I wouldn't.
I was 4.
My Dad then returned from work, and I greeted him at the door. He was smiles and quite pleasant. Because I thought my Dad was a good guy, and I thought I could tell him anything, and he will protect me and have my back, because he's my Dad, I just told him the entire story, because I thought telling the truth was the right thing to do, or so my teachers told me in school. They told me, people will understand, and it's OK to make mistakes.
"Oh, and by the way, when I was playing, I knocked over a vase, but it's OK, don't worry, Mum taped it"
All of a sudden, the entire energy of the experience changed.
He initially thought I was joking and just playing some imaginary games, as I did at that time
"What vase do you mean, you little mouse? There is no vase here"
I could tell something had shifted, and I remember how I had never seen my Dad look like this, with his facial expression, his tenseness. But I was naive, and a kid.
I told him I would show him. So I took him by the hand, and went to show him.
"That vase there" and I pointed to it
I remember the absolute fear in my Mum's eyes, and the look on her face.
Unbeknownst to me, this was the moment that would change my entire life.
My Dad attempted to murder me when I was 4 years old.
He initially was laughing, and said, oh but you couldn't have broken it, there is nothing wrong with it. He literally at this point, thought I was making it up, and playing imaginary games like I did, running around the house and making up stories.
"No, I am not making this one up, it really happened. Look inside, Mum had to use some tape"
And at this point, my Mum was already started to cry and shake, tremor, and become hysterical. I was so confused, and thought why the hell is she acting like that.
My Dad took a very different tone then. "OK, I will look at it and see if you've been breaking my stuff"
He took the vase off the cabinet, saw the tape, and then exploded into the most uncontrollable, most maniacal, demonic rage you could possible imagine. He completely lost control. The vase, from the outside, was immaculate, btw. We are talking about a small chip, of about 3cm. When taped from behind, it was impossible to tell it had ever been damaged. But he didn't care, to his mind, his wife had disobeyed him, and the boy that belongs to her, who he had to work to support, is now breaking his stuff, that is how little respect these parasites have for him.
I looked at my teachers in school, and thought adults were kind, useful, and wanted to help us young kids. I was not prepared for what would then occur.
He smacked me with am open palm first, full force, and then I began to cry and scream. His rage then went up 10 levels. My Mum was trying to reason with him, and tell him that is enough, he will not do it again. But he was just driven into more extreme rage by this, and now, it was my Mum's fault. "You've taught him to do this, this is your fault, and now I am going to show you".
I tried to escape, and ran to the sofa, and rolled up in a ball. He descended on me, as I was rolled up in a ball, and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.
When I saw he beat me, I don't mean, a few slaps. I mean, literally attempted murder on a 4 year old child. He was roughly the age I am now, so 32 or 33, 6ft6, 18 inch arms, an enormous beast of a man. And he was punching a 4 year old boy, full force, with uncontrollable, extreme rage. He had seen red, gone into fight or flight, and decided he had to take me off the face of the earth, because I was the boy that came from his wife, who he saw as just a drain on his resources, and someone who was a sub-human, lower than him, and who didn't deserve to be in this world. Truly, this is how much of a demon this man was.
My Mum was hysterical, screaming, begging for him to stop, "Please, please, he's a baby, you can't hit baby boys like this, he will die! Please, you're going to kill him, he is going to die!"
He was in such a rage, he was screaming "Good, good, let him die, and then I will kill you next"
And then, my absolute G of a mother, showed me at the age of 4 how she is my guardian angel.
She literally threw herself on top of me, as I was a small ball having extremely heavy blows land on me, and she covered me with her body, holding my small 4 year old frame so tight, she literally absorbed all of these blows. I felt them, I heard them, and to this day, have been unable to get this scene out of my head, the awful sounds of my Dads fists smashing upon her.
She took these blows, as I was screaming and crying, and kept reassuring me, "It's OK, son, I will protect you". When he had truly beaten her to an actual pulp, he stormed off to his room, where he was screaming at the top of his lungs for 5 or so hours, "don't fuck with me, that is what happens when you fuck with me, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit, no one breaks my stuff"
Me and my Mum sat there, staring at each other, without exchanging a word. For hours.
I was broken that moment on, and I have never been the same since At 4, I lost my childhood innocence, and was tramatised to the bone. Even back then, I knew, something had happened to me. I used to like looking at the sky. It used to make me quite happy and I was always drawn to nature. I remember how, the next day, the sky didn’t look the way it used to any-more. It just wasn’t as blue, and there wasn’t the same colour left in the world after that. I knew, even then, something has happened to me.
Now, as a 32 year old man, I can see, at that moment, me and my Mum had both been traumatised to the absolute bone, and we both know, we had lost our innocence. She was a young girl herself, she was married off at 21. Beautiful, from a good home, the kindest and sweetest religious girl you could imagine, never drank, never smoked, to this day, an absolute angel of a human being and the epitome of love, kindness, and the goodness of the human animal.
That was the first time it happened.
Needless to say, from this point on, these events and occurrences, would happen. It went on like this, for years.
In every way your father can possibly fail you, mine failed me. He literally made my life hell, and went out of his way to make sure I lived in absolute misery.
Somehow, I shut down emotionally, around my early teens, and just convinced myself that I will grow up one day, and I will succeed, and spit in this guys face. However, the guy did true damage to me, I developed severe anxiety and ADHD/dissociation from the time I was 4, couldn't focus, was crying all the time, literally every day,
He completely broke my brain, and the abuse caused me to develop depression and anxiety at fucking 5 years old! I cried, daily, for years. For the first year or two of school, I literally could not enter the classroom. I would cry from the moment I got up, to the moment school ended. Typically, I would just go to the cloakroom, place a bunch of coats on me, and huddle up in a ball and cry for hours. The teachers, were understanding, and left me to it. They did help me, and found a kid to be friends with me, sit in the cloakroom with me, sometimes all day, and with his help, I eventually entered the classroom, and started normal education. This set in motion the lifelong pattern of finding other men, and getting them to help me.
When I was 16 years old, on my birthday, when I got up in the morning, my Dad came up to me and told me he hated my guts.
My Dad did not speak to me until I was in my late 20s. He didn't initiate any form of conversation with me, have any contact, or even say hello to me until I was 27. Though I went away to Uni for 3 years, and lived away, I actually lived with my parents until I joined this forum, and the other men helped me get my life together, and helped me move out of my parents place.
This dude, literally almost destroyed me as a person.
What was my saving grace, and why didn't I become a criminal or drug addict?
My mother, was my guardian angel. She is the most beautiful, loving, kind, sweet, and genuinely good human being I have ever met, she loved me tonnes and tonnes, unconditionally, literally an angel, and for that reason, though I have had thoughts of suicide twice in my life, because in my core, I know my mother loves me, I didn't do it.
Something I can recall, from when I was 7-9, was looking up at the cabinet and seeing that vase, still there. I looked at it, and would think to myself, before I knocked that thing off, I was a happy boy. Now, I am a sad boy. I would ponder, sometimes for hours, what my life would have been like had I not knocked over that vase?
The insane incidents, the thing I have seen, are just so sordid, so disgusting and inhuman, they are the stuff of nightmares. The worst abuse of human beings you can imagine. I have lived through it.
So, yes, you've read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins.
And almost 900,000 of you have read my log.
There is a reason childhood trauma survivors pique interest. This is a truly savage experience, and those who have lived it, will know how our world is just a different world.
I am also a childhood trauma survivor, I also came from Hell, and why I resonated with David Goggins so much, was he came from the same Hell I did, and not only did he get himself out, but he has become an inspiration to millions of men. Like me. He was the one who finally got through to me, and convinced me that I could, too, be something in this world. So I started my journey here. I knew he had the wound. Childhood trauma survivors, know when other people have the wound, and we find each other, befriend each other, and somehow, we do this to heal.
My Dad, did real damage to me.
And yet, I forgive him. For the past 3 years, I have been speaking to him. I can tell you, he is an incredibly weird, autistic, and genuinely remarkably odd human being. Frankly, he came from an awful background himself, was deeply traumatised by the early death of my Grandad, who was a fantastic guy, and in response to this, my Dad's world fell apart and he became a monster. That is the only way I can describe him. His trauma, over 20 years, has been processed, and now, he is able to speak to me to some degree. To everyone else, he is an entirely different guy. This, I have learned, is what happens in childhood trauma. Everyone else in his world, sees him as a normal and pleasant man. But his trauma, is linked to his wife and kids, we are his trigger, so with us, his demon came out and it sought to completely destroy everything it could touch.
.....And it almost did. But the force of evil, cannot defeat the force of love. And my mother's unconditional love, her unwavering, decades love love, support, deep belief in me, and her encouragement, saved me, and stopped me from also becoming a demon. She made me into a good person, and a being of light, who does the right thing, does no harm, and actually fixes the real problems.
Why did I hold such anger to women?
When I was 4+, those many years when my Dad was abusing me and my Mum, I would cry to her for hours, why did you marry him Mum? Why did you bring a man like this into my life? What if he kills you? What if he kills us both? I would cry hysterically, but she had the patience of an angel, and would speak to me for hours.
She reassured me, one day, I would grow up, and when I am an adult, I would be able to get a job, and I could take care of her. The evil situation my Mum was in, was akin to slavery: she was not allowed to leave the house, to learn English, to work, etc. Yes, this is the type of home I grew up in. Absolutely brutal and savage evil.
"Just pray to God, and we will be OK" she would reassure me.
She survived the beatings, we both did. We pushed through for years, just off of each other, but I couldn't help but feel so bad about my life, and that the other kids in school didn't have to live like this. In my young brain, I mean I was a baby, I kind of blamed my Mum in a certain sense - how could the most beautiful thing I love more than anything in this world, who loves and adores me, bring a man like this into my life? She would explain, she had no choice, her parents made her do it, and she loves her parents, and cannot divorce him or leave him, because if her parents found out, they would instantly drop dead on the spot. This caused me to reject Punjabi culture from an early age, reject traditional values, and basically internalise a huge amount of hatred for men like my Dad.
These autistic inept fucks, cannot find women, because they themselves were broken by their own childhood, and they get married off to women who have literally zero choice, and destroy them, their own children, and bring chaos and evil to everything they touch. Demons. I spit on them.
The reason I believe in self improvement so deeply, is that a man, can become a genuinely good man, who is able to truly love and support a woman, and then, be a fucking fantastic father, and make his children so happy. SELF IMPROVEMENT ALLOWS MEN TO BREAK THIS FUCKING CYCLE AND END IT!
You cannot get the first woman who gives you attention. You have to become actualised, get really good with women, raise to your highest version of yourself, and solve all the inner issues that the journey engenders, so you can truly fix yourself, find an amazing honey, and build a happy home together. This CAN be done.
Despite what he did to me, I am a good, law-abiding citizen.
A consummate professional, with ethics, scruples, and who deeply cares about other human beings.
I live a very healthy, positive lifestyle, I support other men in particular and wish to see them become positive, professional, successful men, who want to do the right thing, who treat women the right way, and who will become positive, loving fathers.
I have never used violence against another human being. Rather, I have used words, logic, reason, and walked away from conflicts are not productive.
I have treated women, with kindness, respect, love and decency.
I went to an elite University, despite coming from the ghetto, failings schools, being surrounded by horrible scum.
I found other, positive, successful men to mentor me and develop me, to be a good and proper man.
My saving graces, were my Mum, and the many, many, many, many men who I have found throughout my life, who accepted me as their brother, who walked with me, loved me, put their arm around me and sheltered me from evil. I have found these men, time and time again in my life, and they kept dragging me up from the abyss, and putting me onto better paths. They always had the same archetype: highly intelligent, ethical, strong values system, non-conformist, and wanted to see success. The first one, was my friend who got my out of the cloakroom when I was 4, my childhood best friend A, who was also a Punjabi kid but he was from a normal home. Then, my best friend when I went to secondary school, Ross, whose parents did divorce, and this radical thinker decided at 11 he would break the cycle by being lifetime teetotal and becoming "a mad scientist", which he actually did, and I am beyond proud of him - he is a senior analytical chemist and lives in a beautiful country home with his wife, the first girl he dated at 16, and has a beautiful baby boy. These men, shaped me a lot, and Ross deeply encouraged me to go to University and to succeed. He was driven at 11! We were two ghetto boys from the slums, but Ross, by the grace of God, was given a 140+ IQ, so he forced me to study, work hard, and be a better man. I learned a lot from him, on how to live. He never really knew I was from an abusive home, but he did know my Dad was weird, but I had a good Mum. I think the fact we both had Daddy issues, drew us together. A, the previous best friend, also had Daddy issues, though his Dad was not, at all, abusive, and his home life was normal and solid.
Honestly man, when Ross left my life, because he went to a different school at 16, my life spiralled, and I went from a top performer in school consistently getting As (in a failing school, this level of academic performance is uncanny, the kids in my school were fucking thugs and on drugs etc). My issues started coming to the fore then, but I then found powerlifting, and coped using that. But it was always there. Started drinking a lot. Worked hard, got good grades, got into an amazing Uni against all odds. And then, drank tonnes, did drugs, and still was hurting so bad inside. Left Uni, anxiety escalated further and further. And then, by 24/25, I was toast man. Done.
Housebound and fucked up for years.
...But my Mum, never stopped believing in me. EVER. She saw all of this unfolding, saw all my destruction, and still loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing that I would become a success one day. It was because of her, that internally, I simply cannot give up.
People have commented on my relentlessness and inability to give up. That, is because of my Mother. Women, are good. And they are indispensable. We need women, and we must fight for women. They are a force for good in this world.
I got back into work at 25, worked like a fuckin SAVAGE, got promotion after promotion, and then, at 29, I was finally ready to start the REAL journey.
I always knew this point would come in this journey.
I have achieved so much, and keep getting better and better. But I realised, I still have a weight on me. And it does not go. I have been battling it for months, but a few weeks ago, I stopped my suppression of it. And as I asked myself, what is this, I tried to work it out, but it became clearer, that something is just not right. And I had to put my finger on it. And I discovered what it actually is.
I discovered, that I have unresolved childhood trauma, and now, I am ready to deal with it, work through it, and heal myself, and become a better man.
There are demons in this world.
Here is how you kill them:
Forgive them
Become a positive, compassionate, professional human being, who adds value to the world
Heal yourself, heal your wounds, and become loving, kind, and genuinely nurture and support others
Start your own family, but with the correct family system/structure: Two loving, kind parents, who truly love each other, and are ride or die --> Raise happy, healthy children, who love themselves, love other humans, and love life --> Watch them become positive, kind, good souls in this world, and raise their own children, with love, kindness, and grace
BREAK THE GOD DAMN CYCLE AND LIVE THE REST OF YOUR DAYS A CHAMPION
WHO WAS GIVEN AN IMPOSSIBLE LIFE
WHO WAS RAISED IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL, A CHILD GOD PUT IN THE SEWER, AND SAID OK KID, GOOD LUCK, HOPE YOU MAKE IT OUT OF HERE
AND GEUSS WHAT
I WILL BE THE ONE
NOTHING WILL STOP ME
NOTHING
NEXT STEPS FOR MAC:
Firstly, I am not dating anymore.
I am done.
I have forgiven my Dad. I am living with my parents right now, and I am at total peace with this. My mum, remains an angel. My Dad, remains an aloof oddball. He speaks to me, daily, as if nothing ever happened. When I say speaks to me, I mean, he will wander past me, say something incredibly odd about a customer at work, or something like that, and wander off. That is how bizarre, socially inept, autistic and fucked up this man is. He should not have been able to have kids in the first place. The institution of arranged marriages, failed my family, and produced a fractured, abuse unit, which left decades-long negative consequences on everyone within in.
This is why I have rejected the idea of "going to India and finding someone" as has been suggested. That, does not fix the problem. And I am smart enough to know that. For all my failings, I still have a high IQ, and am one of the top 5 most intelligent people in this community of 3,000+ men. Sit with me, talk with me, see how my brain works, vs how your brain works and you'll see there are just levels in raw ability. I have played life on impossible mode, and still found ways to win, using the few abilities I was given, and turning them into the ultimate weapon to snatch my life from evil.
I am starting trauma therapy, with my friend Kristina, and I am going to prioritise healing myself, working on my business, and becoming a healthy, happy, positive man who can love a woman, truly, be a positive monogamous partner to a woman, and be a man who can raise happy, healthy children, and live within a supportive, nourishing family structure.
My first session is today.
I will now, work on my self, my business, and work on healing my inner being.
I will not be around men who are actively dating. I am not ready to be around that.
I have left my IronWill Inner Circle dating chat. And I will be leaving No Brains Crew.
In terms of next moves, I am not going to New York. I will send this entire post to Dante.
When I am ready, and I have dealt with my past, I will resume dating, and try to find a good partner. I will resume my mentorship under Dante, who will be the one who will get me there.
I will now, go somewhere low cost, cheap, and just work on healing myself, being with myself, and finding peace.
I will not live with anyone who is actively dating. I don't want to see it. I will return to it, when I am further along in my process.
If I have been ghosting, ignoring, or otherwise, just not on top of things; here's why. I have been pre-occupied with this, for so long, and suppressed it has been so tiring, man. It scatters my brain, leaves me at sorts, and just admitting to my little brother a few days ago that I need to speak to someone, has helped me a tonne. I know Thebastard sent a DM asking me why I just ghosted him. Well, amigo, here is why. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and if you were ever a real friend to me in the first place, you will understand I have been having this stuff rip through my brain every waking second, for months, and hence, figuring that out and being able to deal with that, was a priority. I know it's not hard to send a message, but you of all people, who is also a guy like me, with the same wounds, will understand if you are anywhere near your point in your process where you are ready to talk.....if you're not ready to talk, that's fine, I wasn't until now. My brother, still isn't ready to talk yet. That's how powerful trauma is, it will take over your entire reality, and force you to confront it, and deal with it. And if this means ghosting people you truly admire and respect, you will do it. You are probably mad at me, right now, but in time, you won't be, and I will personally apologise to you for not speaking to you. You'll then learn, I have done the same, to EVERYONE for months, because I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside of me. I love you with my entire heart and soul and you saved my life. You can be mad, but I will honour you until my dying breath for what you did for me. You are a true titan, a one in a billion man, and to this day, you one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met. You also, were traumatised, but you are still a loving, positive, and deeply good man. You have ethics, and do the right thing. Which you know, is also me. Don't forget, you trusted me wth thousands of dollars, and within 1 second, I paid it back, and you know how rock fucking solid as a man I am. Do you really think I just ghosted, or do you fucking realise I have been going through something? Again, you can be mad if you want, but in time, you will get it. Because homie, you too, have to go through this, and heal like I am going to have to now. We cannot escape our childhood. It comes back dude.
Me and my brother, had a long convo, we both cried, and we both finally were able to speak about our childhood and let it out. It helped, massively. The next day, he chatted a little more, but I can tell, he is skirting the issue and in supression. He is not ready too talk about it yet, just like I was not, and he won't be just yet. But he will be, when I get healed, he will follow his big bro.
I will heal.
Want to know why?
I have already done the following:
-Overcome extreme anxiety, agorophobia, social anxiety, obsessions, panic attacks, depersonalization and derealisation
-Overcome severe clinical depression
-Overcome brain fog, cognitive distortion, high brain inflammation
-Overcome spinal injuries which meant I could barely even walk for years
-Overcome obesity, lost 100lbs
-Overcome chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, deep insomnia not able to sleep properly for decades
-Overcome severe ADHD / obsessive thoughts making it damn near impossible to think straight for even 1 second
-Beat my severe approach anxiety, approached thousands of women
-Went from 0 dates at 30 to now 200+. Slept with lots of girls. And found ways to connect with women and appreciate them again.
This was never anything about women. It was me, hurting at my Mum for marrying my Dad, and 5 year old Ravi learning that when you love a woman, they will hurt you, by making choices that will bring a world of hurt into your life.
I suppressed my anger and hate for my Dad, for 32 years. I have never, ever, called my Dad "Dad" out loud. From the time I was about 5, I began hating my Dad, and have never loved him. He also, has never loved me, and literally never cared about me, once in my life. He did nothing for me, and just left me to fend for myself, whilst giving absolutely no fucks about me at all.
I took a guy as fucked up as that, and made him into a top performer, a structured, productive business owner. I live a life, of excellence, health, function, and clarity.
My future, is bright.
But now, I have grown so much, gained so much strength, I am ready to deal with my past, find peace with it, and properly and truly heal myself.
As you can imagine, this guy really did damage to me, and gave me a laundry list of problems to work through, and solve, by my f**king self.
And yet, every puzzle life has put in front of me, I have solved. Every obstacle the world has put in front of me, through sheer heart alone, has been completely destroyed.
The trauma, lives in my head. It is there, and it makes me heavy, feel pain, and robs me of enjoyment of life. You do not know even 1% about my life. It is so insane, it could fill 5 books.
Literally. I mean this seriously. If you read about the lives of people like David Goggins, and you think, holy shit that happens in this world? There are people like that? There are kids who grow up in that?
Many of you have seen my posts, and wonder why I am such a mad man, and so driven.
I know my WHY.
TO PROVE THAT DARKNESS AND HATE
CANNOT DEFEAT LIGHT AND LOVE. EVER!
Nothing will stop me in my mission. Nothing.
I will heal.
Your friend,
-Ravi
Apologies for my absence last week.
For the past few weeks, since returning from Budapest, I have been called to do a lot of reflection, and my mind has been a very busy place. Deeply, my intuition as a human, has been telling me for some time, Ravi, something is wrong.
This has been a thought, that has been bothering me night and day, for a long time now, to be frank.
Years.
I was not ready to talk about this, for years. For my entire life, I suppressed it.
It is from going on this journey for the past 3 years, the support, the mentoring, the coaching, the working through all of my issues, systematically, one by one, that I have begun to understand myself more. The more I healed myself, and the more I began to enjoy my life, I gained strength, confidence, belief, and now, after many years of work, and pulling my life together, I am ready and strong enough as a man to talk about my real issues.
I am a childhood trauma survivor.
I grew up in a household, with an abusive father.
He was a true demon, and he tortured his own family. Brutally.
The first time I realised my Dad was a bad man, was when I was 4 years old. I knocked a vase off the top of a cabinet, and my Mum freaked out to the point of totally losing her shit. Not because I did something wrong, but because if my Dad found out, she knew what would happen to both of us.
My Dad, got an arranged marriage to a beautiful, beautiful girl from a small village in North India, from a really solid, traditional, God-fearing Sikh family, who married her off, and she was then expected to do her duties as a wife, no matter what. She never met the guy before, and was just sold off like cattle, with no say in the matter, and no option to do anything other than be a slavishly devoted wife and incredible mother. Or, shame her entire family. These force of shame, is a deeply powerful force in Asia, and in traditional family structures. People will literally have their entire soul destroyed, and live in unimaginable agony, before they risk shame.
Which was what happened to us.
As she was beside herself with fear, tears, and praying to God please don't let anything be broken, she saw that only a small piece of the vase had been chipped. She loudly praised God, in her fit of tears, and she could see I was totally puzzled. She said, I've got an idea, and we'll be able to fix it. She frenetically rushed around the house, found some tape, and she found a way to tape the small chip from the inside of the vase, so no one observing it from the outside could tell. She hugged me, and was overjoyed that she was able to fix it "this time", and she tearfully reassured me and made me absolutely promise I will never, ever tell my Dad that I knocked over a vase. She made me swear I wouldn't, and I said I wouldn't.
I was 4.
My Dad then returned from work, and I greeted him at the door. He was smiles and quite pleasant. Because I thought my Dad was a good guy, and I thought I could tell him anything, and he will protect me and have my back, because he's my Dad, I just told him the entire story, because I thought telling the truth was the right thing to do, or so my teachers told me in school. They told me, people will understand, and it's OK to make mistakes.
"Oh, and by the way, when I was playing, I knocked over a vase, but it's OK, don't worry, Mum taped it"
All of a sudden, the entire energy of the experience changed.
He initially thought I was joking and just playing some imaginary games, as I did at that time
"What vase do you mean, you little mouse? There is no vase here"
I could tell something had shifted, and I remember how I had never seen my Dad look like this, with his facial expression, his tenseness. But I was naive, and a kid.
I told him I would show him. So I took him by the hand, and went to show him.
"That vase there" and I pointed to it
I remember the absolute fear in my Mum's eyes, and the look on her face.
Unbeknownst to me, this was the moment that would change my entire life.
My Dad attempted to murder me when I was 4 years old.
He initially was laughing, and said, oh but you couldn't have broken it, there is nothing wrong with it. He literally at this point, thought I was making it up, and playing imaginary games like I did, running around the house and making up stories.
"No, I am not making this one up, it really happened. Look inside, Mum had to use some tape"
And at this point, my Mum was already started to cry and shake, tremor, and become hysterical. I was so confused, and thought why the hell is she acting like that.
My Dad took a very different tone then. "OK, I will look at it and see if you've been breaking my stuff"
He took the vase off the cabinet, saw the tape, and then exploded into the most uncontrollable, most maniacal, demonic rage you could possible imagine. He completely lost control. The vase, from the outside, was immaculate, btw. We are talking about a small chip, of about 3cm. When taped from behind, it was impossible to tell it had ever been damaged. But he didn't care, to his mind, his wife had disobeyed him, and the boy that belongs to her, who he had to work to support, is now breaking his stuff, that is how little respect these parasites have for him.
I looked at my teachers in school, and thought adults were kind, useful, and wanted to help us young kids. I was not prepared for what would then occur.
He smacked me with am open palm first, full force, and then I began to cry and scream. His rage then went up 10 levels. My Mum was trying to reason with him, and tell him that is enough, he will not do it again. But he was just driven into more extreme rage by this, and now, it was my Mum's fault. "You've taught him to do this, this is your fault, and now I am going to show you".
I tried to escape, and ran to the sofa, and rolled up in a ball. He descended on me, as I was rolled up in a ball, and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.
When I saw he beat me, I don't mean, a few slaps. I mean, literally attempted murder on a 4 year old child. He was roughly the age I am now, so 32 or 33, 6ft6, 18 inch arms, an enormous beast of a man. And he was punching a 4 year old boy, full force, with uncontrollable, extreme rage. He had seen red, gone into fight or flight, and decided he had to take me off the face of the earth, because I was the boy that came from his wife, who he saw as just a drain on his resources, and someone who was a sub-human, lower than him, and who didn't deserve to be in this world. Truly, this is how much of a demon this man was.
My Mum was hysterical, screaming, begging for him to stop, "Please, please, he's a baby, you can't hit baby boys like this, he will die! Please, you're going to kill him, he is going to die!"
He was in such a rage, he was screaming "Good, good, let him die, and then I will kill you next"
And then, my absolute G of a mother, showed me at the age of 4 how she is my guardian angel.
She literally threw herself on top of me, as I was a small ball having extremely heavy blows land on me, and she covered me with her body, holding my small 4 year old frame so tight, she literally absorbed all of these blows. I felt them, I heard them, and to this day, have been unable to get this scene out of my head, the awful sounds of my Dads fists smashing upon her.
She took these blows, as I was screaming and crying, and kept reassuring me, "It's OK, son, I will protect you". When he had truly beaten her to an actual pulp, he stormed off to his room, where he was screaming at the top of his lungs for 5 or so hours, "don't fuck with me, that is what happens when you fuck with me, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit, no one breaks my stuff"
Me and my Mum sat there, staring at each other, without exchanging a word. For hours.
I was broken that moment on, and I have never been the same since At 4, I lost my childhood innocence, and was tramatised to the bone. Even back then, I knew, something had happened to me. I used to like looking at the sky. It used to make me quite happy and I was always drawn to nature. I remember how, the next day, the sky didn’t look the way it used to any-more. It just wasn’t as blue, and there wasn’t the same colour left in the world after that. I knew, even then, something has happened to me.
Now, as a 32 year old man, I can see, at that moment, me and my Mum had both been traumatised to the absolute bone, and we both know, we had lost our innocence. She was a young girl herself, she was married off at 21. Beautiful, from a good home, the kindest and sweetest religious girl you could imagine, never drank, never smoked, to this day, an absolute angel of a human being and the epitome of love, kindness, and the goodness of the human animal.
That was the first time it happened.
Needless to say, from this point on, these events and occurrences, would happen. It went on like this, for years.
In every way your father can possibly fail you, mine failed me. He literally made my life hell, and went out of his way to make sure I lived in absolute misery.
Somehow, I shut down emotionally, around my early teens, and just convinced myself that I will grow up one day, and I will succeed, and spit in this guys face. However, the guy did true damage to me, I developed severe anxiety and ADHD/dissociation from the time I was 4, couldn't focus, was crying all the time, literally every day,
He completely broke my brain, and the abuse caused me to develop depression and anxiety at fucking 5 years old! I cried, daily, for years. For the first year or two of school, I literally could not enter the classroom. I would cry from the moment I got up, to the moment school ended. Typically, I would just go to the cloakroom, place a bunch of coats on me, and huddle up in a ball and cry for hours. The teachers, were understanding, and left me to it. They did help me, and found a kid to be friends with me, sit in the cloakroom with me, sometimes all day, and with his help, I eventually entered the classroom, and started normal education. This set in motion the lifelong pattern of finding other men, and getting them to help me.
When I was 16 years old, on my birthday, when I got up in the morning, my Dad came up to me and told me he hated my guts.
My Dad did not speak to me until I was in my late 20s. He didn't initiate any form of conversation with me, have any contact, or even say hello to me until I was 27. Though I went away to Uni for 3 years, and lived away, I actually lived with my parents until I joined this forum, and the other men helped me get my life together, and helped me move out of my parents place.
This dude, literally almost destroyed me as a person.
What was my saving grace, and why didn't I become a criminal or drug addict?
My mother, was my guardian angel. She is the most beautiful, loving, kind, sweet, and genuinely good human being I have ever met, she loved me tonnes and tonnes, unconditionally, literally an angel, and for that reason, though I have had thoughts of suicide twice in my life, because in my core, I know my mother loves me, I didn't do it.
Something I can recall, from when I was 7-9, was looking up at the cabinet and seeing that vase, still there. I looked at it, and would think to myself, before I knocked that thing off, I was a happy boy. Now, I am a sad boy. I would ponder, sometimes for hours, what my life would have been like had I not knocked over that vase?
The insane incidents, the thing I have seen, are just so sordid, so disgusting and inhuman, they are the stuff of nightmares. The worst abuse of human beings you can imagine. I have lived through it.
So, yes, you've read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins.
And almost 900,000 of you have read my log.
There is a reason childhood trauma survivors pique interest. This is a truly savage experience, and those who have lived it, will know how our world is just a different world.
I am also a childhood trauma survivor, I also came from Hell, and why I resonated with David Goggins so much, was he came from the same Hell I did, and not only did he get himself out, but he has become an inspiration to millions of men. Like me. He was the one who finally got through to me, and convinced me that I could, too, be something in this world. So I started my journey here. I knew he had the wound. Childhood trauma survivors, know when other people have the wound, and we find each other, befriend each other, and somehow, we do this to heal.
My Dad, did real damage to me.
And yet, I forgive him. For the past 3 years, I have been speaking to him. I can tell you, he is an incredibly weird, autistic, and genuinely remarkably odd human being. Frankly, he came from an awful background himself, was deeply traumatised by the early death of my Grandad, who was a fantastic guy, and in response to this, my Dad's world fell apart and he became a monster. That is the only way I can describe him. His trauma, over 20 years, has been processed, and now, he is able to speak to me to some degree. To everyone else, he is an entirely different guy. This, I have learned, is what happens in childhood trauma. Everyone else in his world, sees him as a normal and pleasant man. But his trauma, is linked to his wife and kids, we are his trigger, so with us, his demon came out and it sought to completely destroy everything it could touch.
.....And it almost did. But the force of evil, cannot defeat the force of love. And my mother's unconditional love, her unwavering, decades love love, support, deep belief in me, and her encouragement, saved me, and stopped me from also becoming a demon. She made me into a good person, and a being of light, who does the right thing, does no harm, and actually fixes the real problems.
Why did I hold such anger to women?
When I was 4+, those many years when my Dad was abusing me and my Mum, I would cry to her for hours, why did you marry him Mum? Why did you bring a man like this into my life? What if he kills you? What if he kills us both? I would cry hysterically, but she had the patience of an angel, and would speak to me for hours.
She reassured me, one day, I would grow up, and when I am an adult, I would be able to get a job, and I could take care of her. The evil situation my Mum was in, was akin to slavery: she was not allowed to leave the house, to learn English, to work, etc. Yes, this is the type of home I grew up in. Absolutely brutal and savage evil.
"Just pray to God, and we will be OK" she would reassure me.
She survived the beatings, we both did. We pushed through for years, just off of each other, but I couldn't help but feel so bad about my life, and that the other kids in school didn't have to live like this. In my young brain, I mean I was a baby, I kind of blamed my Mum in a certain sense - how could the most beautiful thing I love more than anything in this world, who loves and adores me, bring a man like this into my life? She would explain, she had no choice, her parents made her do it, and she loves her parents, and cannot divorce him or leave him, because if her parents found out, they would instantly drop dead on the spot. This caused me to reject Punjabi culture from an early age, reject traditional values, and basically internalise a huge amount of hatred for men like my Dad.
These autistic inept fucks, cannot find women, because they themselves were broken by their own childhood, and they get married off to women who have literally zero choice, and destroy them, their own children, and bring chaos and evil to everything they touch. Demons. I spit on them.
The reason I believe in self improvement so deeply, is that a man, can become a genuinely good man, who is able to truly love and support a woman, and then, be a fucking fantastic father, and make his children so happy. SELF IMPROVEMENT ALLOWS MEN TO BREAK THIS FUCKING CYCLE AND END IT!
You cannot get the first woman who gives you attention. You have to become actualised, get really good with women, raise to your highest version of yourself, and solve all the inner issues that the journey engenders, so you can truly fix yourself, find an amazing honey, and build a happy home together. This CAN be done.
Despite what he did to me, I am a good, law-abiding citizen.
A consummate professional, with ethics, scruples, and who deeply cares about other human beings.
I live a very healthy, positive lifestyle, I support other men in particular and wish to see them become positive, professional, successful men, who want to do the right thing, who treat women the right way, and who will become positive, loving fathers.
I have never used violence against another human being. Rather, I have used words, logic, reason, and walked away from conflicts are not productive.
I have treated women, with kindness, respect, love and decency.
I went to an elite University, despite coming from the ghetto, failings schools, being surrounded by horrible scum.
I found other, positive, successful men to mentor me and develop me, to be a good and proper man.
My saving graces, were my Mum, and the many, many, many, many men who I have found throughout my life, who accepted me as their brother, who walked with me, loved me, put their arm around me and sheltered me from evil. I have found these men, time and time again in my life, and they kept dragging me up from the abyss, and putting me onto better paths. They always had the same archetype: highly intelligent, ethical, strong values system, non-conformist, and wanted to see success. The first one, was my friend who got my out of the cloakroom when I was 4, my childhood best friend A, who was also a Punjabi kid but he was from a normal home. Then, my best friend when I went to secondary school, Ross, whose parents did divorce, and this radical thinker decided at 11 he would break the cycle by being lifetime teetotal and becoming "a mad scientist", which he actually did, and I am beyond proud of him - he is a senior analytical chemist and lives in a beautiful country home with his wife, the first girl he dated at 16, and has a beautiful baby boy. These men, shaped me a lot, and Ross deeply encouraged me to go to University and to succeed. He was driven at 11! We were two ghetto boys from the slums, but Ross, by the grace of God, was given a 140+ IQ, so he forced me to study, work hard, and be a better man. I learned a lot from him, on how to live. He never really knew I was from an abusive home, but he did know my Dad was weird, but I had a good Mum. I think the fact we both had Daddy issues, drew us together. A, the previous best friend, also had Daddy issues, though his Dad was not, at all, abusive, and his home life was normal and solid.
Honestly man, when Ross left my life, because he went to a different school at 16, my life spiralled, and I went from a top performer in school consistently getting As (in a failing school, this level of academic performance is uncanny, the kids in my school were fucking thugs and on drugs etc). My issues started coming to the fore then, but I then found powerlifting, and coped using that. But it was always there. Started drinking a lot. Worked hard, got good grades, got into an amazing Uni against all odds. And then, drank tonnes, did drugs, and still was hurting so bad inside. Left Uni, anxiety escalated further and further. And then, by 24/25, I was toast man. Done.
Housebound and fucked up for years.
...But my Mum, never stopped believing in me. EVER. She saw all of this unfolding, saw all my destruction, and still loved me unconditionally and never stopped believing that I would become a success one day. It was because of her, that internally, I simply cannot give up.
People have commented on my relentlessness and inability to give up. That, is because of my Mother. Women, are good. And they are indispensable. We need women, and we must fight for women. They are a force for good in this world.
I got back into work at 25, worked like a fuckin SAVAGE, got promotion after promotion, and then, at 29, I was finally ready to start the REAL journey.
I always knew this point would come in this journey.
I have achieved so much, and keep getting better and better. But I realised, I still have a weight on me. And it does not go. I have been battling it for months, but a few weeks ago, I stopped my suppression of it. And as I asked myself, what is this, I tried to work it out, but it became clearer, that something is just not right. And I had to put my finger on it. And I discovered what it actually is.
I discovered, that I have unresolved childhood trauma, and now, I am ready to deal with it, work through it, and heal myself, and become a better man.
There are demons in this world.
Here is how you kill them:
Forgive them
Become a positive, compassionate, professional human being, who adds value to the world
Heal yourself, heal your wounds, and become loving, kind, and genuinely nurture and support others
Start your own family, but with the correct family system/structure: Two loving, kind parents, who truly love each other, and are ride or die --> Raise happy, healthy children, who love themselves, love other humans, and love life --> Watch them become positive, kind, good souls in this world, and raise their own children, with love, kindness, and grace
BREAK THE GOD DAMN CYCLE AND LIVE THE REST OF YOUR DAYS A CHAMPION
WHO WAS GIVEN AN IMPOSSIBLE LIFE
WHO WAS RAISED IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL, A CHILD GOD PUT IN THE SEWER, AND SAID OK KID, GOOD LUCK, HOPE YOU MAKE IT OUT OF HERE
AND GEUSS WHAT
I WILL BE THE ONE
NOTHING WILL STOP ME
NOTHING
NEXT STEPS FOR MAC:
Firstly, I am not dating anymore.
I am done.
I have forgiven my Dad. I am living with my parents right now, and I am at total peace with this. My mum, remains an angel. My Dad, remains an aloof oddball. He speaks to me, daily, as if nothing ever happened. When I say speaks to me, I mean, he will wander past me, say something incredibly odd about a customer at work, or something like that, and wander off. That is how bizarre, socially inept, autistic and fucked up this man is. He should not have been able to have kids in the first place. The institution of arranged marriages, failed my family, and produced a fractured, abuse unit, which left decades-long negative consequences on everyone within in.
This is why I have rejected the idea of "going to India and finding someone" as has been suggested. That, does not fix the problem. And I am smart enough to know that. For all my failings, I still have a high IQ, and am one of the top 5 most intelligent people in this community of 3,000+ men. Sit with me, talk with me, see how my brain works, vs how your brain works and you'll see there are just levels in raw ability. I have played life on impossible mode, and still found ways to win, using the few abilities I was given, and turning them into the ultimate weapon to snatch my life from evil.
I am starting trauma therapy, with my friend Kristina, and I am going to prioritise healing myself, working on my business, and becoming a healthy, happy, positive man who can love a woman, truly, be a positive monogamous partner to a woman, and be a man who can raise happy, healthy children, and live within a supportive, nourishing family structure.
My first session is today.
I will now, work on my self, my business, and work on healing my inner being.
I will not be around men who are actively dating. I am not ready to be around that.
I have left my IronWill Inner Circle dating chat. And I will be leaving No Brains Crew.
In terms of next moves, I am not going to New York. I will send this entire post to Dante.
When I am ready, and I have dealt with my past, I will resume dating, and try to find a good partner. I will resume my mentorship under Dante, who will be the one who will get me there.
I will now, go somewhere low cost, cheap, and just work on healing myself, being with myself, and finding peace.
I will not live with anyone who is actively dating. I don't want to see it. I will return to it, when I am further along in my process.
If I have been ghosting, ignoring, or otherwise, just not on top of things; here's why. I have been pre-occupied with this, for so long, and suppressed it has been so tiring, man. It scatters my brain, leaves me at sorts, and just admitting to my little brother a few days ago that I need to speak to someone, has helped me a tonne. I know Thebastard sent a DM asking me why I just ghosted him. Well, amigo, here is why. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and if you were ever a real friend to me in the first place, you will understand I have been having this stuff rip through my brain every waking second, for months, and hence, figuring that out and being able to deal with that, was a priority. I know it's not hard to send a message, but you of all people, who is also a guy like me, with the same wounds, will understand if you are anywhere near your point in your process where you are ready to talk.....if you're not ready to talk, that's fine, I wasn't until now. My brother, still isn't ready to talk yet. That's how powerful trauma is, it will take over your entire reality, and force you to confront it, and deal with it. And if this means ghosting people you truly admire and respect, you will do it. You are probably mad at me, right now, but in time, you won't be, and I will personally apologise to you for not speaking to you. You'll then learn, I have done the same, to EVERYONE for months, because I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside of me. I love you with my entire heart and soul and you saved my life. You can be mad, but I will honour you until my dying breath for what you did for me. You are a true titan, a one in a billion man, and to this day, you one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met. You also, were traumatised, but you are still a loving, positive, and deeply good man. You have ethics, and do the right thing. Which you know, is also me. Don't forget, you trusted me wth thousands of dollars, and within 1 second, I paid it back, and you know how rock fucking solid as a man I am. Do you really think I just ghosted, or do you fucking realise I have been going through something? Again, you can be mad if you want, but in time, you will get it. Because homie, you too, have to go through this, and heal like I am going to have to now. We cannot escape our childhood. It comes back dude.
Me and my brother, had a long convo, we both cried, and we both finally were able to speak about our childhood and let it out. It helped, massively. The next day, he chatted a little more, but I can tell, he is skirting the issue and in supression. He is not ready too talk about it yet, just like I was not, and he won't be just yet. But he will be, when I get healed, he will follow his big bro.
I will heal.
Want to know why?
I have already done the following:
-Overcome extreme anxiety, agorophobia, social anxiety, obsessions, panic attacks, depersonalization and derealisation
-Overcome severe clinical depression
-Overcome brain fog, cognitive distortion, high brain inflammation
-Overcome spinal injuries which meant I could barely even walk for years
-Overcome obesity, lost 100lbs
-Overcome chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, deep insomnia not able to sleep properly for decades
-Overcome severe ADHD / obsessive thoughts making it damn near impossible to think straight for even 1 second
-Beat my severe approach anxiety, approached thousands of women
-Went from 0 dates at 30 to now 200+. Slept with lots of girls. And found ways to connect with women and appreciate them again.
This was never anything about women. It was me, hurting at my Mum for marrying my Dad, and 5 year old Ravi learning that when you love a woman, they will hurt you, by making choices that will bring a world of hurt into your life.
I suppressed my anger and hate for my Dad, for 32 years. I have never, ever, called my Dad "Dad" out loud. From the time I was about 5, I began hating my Dad, and have never loved him. He also, has never loved me, and literally never cared about me, once in my life. He did nothing for me, and just left me to fend for myself, whilst giving absolutely no fucks about me at all.
I took a guy as fucked up as that, and made him into a top performer, a structured, productive business owner. I live a life, of excellence, health, function, and clarity.
My future, is bright.
But now, I have grown so much, gained so much strength, I am ready to deal with my past, find peace with it, and properly and truly heal myself.
As you can imagine, this guy really did damage to me, and gave me a laundry list of problems to work through, and solve, by my f**king self.
And yet, every puzzle life has put in front of me, I have solved. Every obstacle the world has put in front of me, through sheer heart alone, has been completely destroyed.
The trauma, lives in my head. It is there, and it makes me heavy, feel pain, and robs me of enjoyment of life. You do not know even 1% about my life. It is so insane, it could fill 5 books.
Literally. I mean this seriously. If you read about the lives of people like David Goggins, and you think, holy shit that happens in this world? There are people like that? There are kids who grow up in that?
Many of you have seen my posts, and wonder why I am such a mad man, and so driven.
I know my WHY.
TO PROVE THAT DARKNESS AND HATE
CANNOT DEFEAT LIGHT AND LOVE. EVER!
Nothing will stop me in my mission. Nothing.
I will heal.
Your friend,
-Ravi
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Thanks bro. I will overcome this, like I have overcome many other challenges in my life.
I have my first therapy session in a few hours. And I will take onboard all of Kristina's recommendations, and be a open, coachable student.
I know I can heal.
For a long time, I didn't think I would have one day without anxiety. Just one day without anxiety, was unthinkable.
I have been anxiety free, for years now. I beat that demon. I buried it with my own hands.
I thought I would never go on a date in my entire life, that no woman would ever want a man like me. Now, I hope the men of this forum, can understand why I had those beliefs. That post above, is why I thought I was not worthwhile as a man, my whole life, I would look at myself in the mirror, and think, why would a woman want a man like you - you're broken, mate.
And yet, it was not true. Though I did not find the girlfriend I was looking for, yet, I still did get a lot of dates, and some women, showed actual interest in me.
That was a clue, because I also saw, that no matter how much dating I did, or how I was getting laid, I still felt this inner tension and sense that something in my life, was wrong. My mind would never allow me to be at peace.
David Goggins who is also a survivor like me, called that "the voice of God", where he believed, God was calling to him as a messenger, to heal myself, become the man he is today, so he can inspire and lift up the others who came into this world, and unfortunately, found themselves at the feet of real evil, and real demons. They exist, and they are in flesh and blood.
I have to go on my own healing journey, and I will attack it, and become the man I must be. And then I will be the voice and inspiration, to the others.
I know there is a reason for all of this.
Let it be done.
-Ravi
I have my first therapy session in a few hours. And I will take onboard all of Kristina's recommendations, and be a open, coachable student.
I know I can heal.
For a long time, I didn't think I would have one day without anxiety. Just one day without anxiety, was unthinkable.
I have been anxiety free, for years now. I beat that demon. I buried it with my own hands.
I thought I would never go on a date in my entire life, that no woman would ever want a man like me. Now, I hope the men of this forum, can understand why I had those beliefs. That post above, is why I thought I was not worthwhile as a man, my whole life, I would look at myself in the mirror, and think, why would a woman want a man like you - you're broken, mate.
And yet, it was not true. Though I did not find the girlfriend I was looking for, yet, I still did get a lot of dates, and some women, showed actual interest in me.
That was a clue, because I also saw, that no matter how much dating I did, or how I was getting laid, I still felt this inner tension and sense that something in my life, was wrong. My mind would never allow me to be at peace.
David Goggins who is also a survivor like me, called that "the voice of God", where he believed, God was calling to him as a messenger, to heal myself, become the man he is today, so he can inspire and lift up the others who came into this world, and unfortunately, found themselves at the feet of real evil, and real demons. They exist, and they are in flesh and blood.
I have to go on my own healing journey, and I will attack it, and become the man I must be. And then I will be the voice and inspiration, to the others.
I know there is a reason for all of this.
Let it be done.
-Ravi
Slickbackkhair
Member
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2020
This is going to be a great year for you.
I did something similar for myself last year and it finally quieted and removed a ton of the tension you speak of.
You got this. See you on the other side.
I did something similar for myself last year and it finally quieted and removed a ton of the tension you speak of.
You got this. See you on the other side.
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Thanks all for your support as ever. We will crush this, make improvements on it, and get some real healing done, as we achieve everything else: consistency, performance, and taking expert help.
First therapy session, done! Notes below..........
Therapy Session: Notes
-Idea of transgenerational trauma, and how this experience, did not start with me. Exploring my family structure, and grandparents family structure, clearly, there were seriously difficult and challenging dynamics within this. It didn’t start with me, and it also didn’t start with my Dad.
-Ravi’s Initial Goal: To truly be able to enjoy dating and being in the presence of a woman.
-Unprocessed Traumas: It’s clear that I haven’t processed things that happened in my childhood, and just haven’t dealt with them. This, is work I can now begin to do intentionally, and I will be exploring this through journaling work (processing), and inner child nurturing work/self dialogue (also processing).
-Reading For Understanding: Breaking the Chains of Transgenerational Trauma: My Journey from Surviving to Thriving by Dorothy Husena
-Suppressed Anger Work: Using punch bag, visualisation, releasing and channelling anger.
Notes:
I did explain, that dating just feels so bad for me, I have so much weight around the subject, that I can almost never enjoy it. I want to understand, and work on, what is contributing to these feelings, and aim to get to the point where I can approach, because I genuinely want to, enjoy the approach itself, enjoy going on dates, and just enjoy every facet of the dating experience.
For the longest time, it’s just felt so pointless, and has brought so many negative emotions to me, it’s like my inner being, just does not want to keep feeling this pain. It’s like, the return on investment I am getting, isn’t there at this current stage, but when I am able to feel better about myself, my world, and the entire process around finding a partner, I expect this will improve.
We began talking about my childhood, and about things I can do to process things, which I clearly haven’t processed.
I expressed how I developed an inner anger at women, and now believe that this came from some strange suppressed resentment I had for my mother, for bringing my father into my life, and how part of me learned that when you love women, they will make decisions that will bring a world of hurt.
We talked about transgenerational trauma, and how it develops. We talked about a book called It Didn't Start With You, which I also know a little bit about because a few posters on here have talked about it in different logs.
I will do the work to remove some of this weight, heal inside, start to break down this pain, and become a healthier dude.
As you can see, it took me YEARS just to be able to start to work on this and start to actually deal with it.
It feels like a big shock still man. Like, it has only just kinda been hitting me. Damn, that shit was fucked up! Crazy how suppression works, you convince yourself that it was all OK, that it doesn't matter, that it's useless to dwell on, but then if you don't deal with it, you basically live in this state of tension and a really splintered and fractured inner world, where you feel a lot of pain.
This stuff, just started happening a few weeks ago man. Like, the better I began to feel in life, the more good things that started happening, the more I started to get these fucking flashbacks and this sense that something is wrong. It was the most weird sense and it just began happening a few weeks ago. I started thinking something just wasn't right....
Turns out, my unconscious supression, ended.
Unconsciously, my mind and inner being, conspired to do this, years ago. This strategy and turnaround plan, was formulated in my unconscious mind, perhaps as far ago as 12 years. It knew that I had to build a pathway for true success, and it carved out an absolutely genius battle plan, and put it into motion, for over 12 years. First came healing the physical body, then restructuring the mind and building self esteem and self respect, through getting so many WINS, it knew I would then respect myself enough to fight the actual demon, which will be a tough battle. It knew, this piece of the puzzle, if I was able to do all of the rest, I will be able to complete, and each stage, had to happen the way it did, to integrate, actualise, and realise the human this process was intended to unlock, which we will.
The next stage in the mission, may be the biggest yet.
But like all other goals I have achieved, this one, will be worked on, improved, and healing will take place. In time, my inner world, will heal and improve.
And then, I can resume my mission to find a partner, and provided I have gotten my SMV and vibe better, I think my results will continue to improve like they were!
-Ravi
First therapy session, done! Notes below..........
Therapy Session: Notes
-Idea of transgenerational trauma, and how this experience, did not start with me. Exploring my family structure, and grandparents family structure, clearly, there were seriously difficult and challenging dynamics within this. It didn’t start with me, and it also didn’t start with my Dad.
-Ravi’s Initial Goal: To truly be able to enjoy dating and being in the presence of a woman.
-Unprocessed Traumas: It’s clear that I haven’t processed things that happened in my childhood, and just haven’t dealt with them. This, is work I can now begin to do intentionally, and I will be exploring this through journaling work (processing), and inner child nurturing work/self dialogue (also processing).
-Reading For Understanding: Breaking the Chains of Transgenerational Trauma: My Journey from Surviving to Thriving by Dorothy Husena
-Suppressed Anger Work: Using punch bag, visualisation, releasing and channelling anger.
Notes:
I did explain, that dating just feels so bad for me, I have so much weight around the subject, that I can almost never enjoy it. I want to understand, and work on, what is contributing to these feelings, and aim to get to the point where I can approach, because I genuinely want to, enjoy the approach itself, enjoy going on dates, and just enjoy every facet of the dating experience.
For the longest time, it’s just felt so pointless, and has brought so many negative emotions to me, it’s like my inner being, just does not want to keep feeling this pain. It’s like, the return on investment I am getting, isn’t there at this current stage, but when I am able to feel better about myself, my world, and the entire process around finding a partner, I expect this will improve.
We began talking about my childhood, and about things I can do to process things, which I clearly haven’t processed.
I expressed how I developed an inner anger at women, and now believe that this came from some strange suppressed resentment I had for my mother, for bringing my father into my life, and how part of me learned that when you love women, they will make decisions that will bring a world of hurt.
We talked about transgenerational trauma, and how it develops. We talked about a book called It Didn't Start With You, which I also know a little bit about because a few posters on here have talked about it in different logs.
I will do the work to remove some of this weight, heal inside, start to break down this pain, and become a healthier dude.
As you can see, it took me YEARS just to be able to start to work on this and start to actually deal with it.
It feels like a big shock still man. Like, it has only just kinda been hitting me. Damn, that shit was fucked up! Crazy how suppression works, you convince yourself that it was all OK, that it doesn't matter, that it's useless to dwell on, but then if you don't deal with it, you basically live in this state of tension and a really splintered and fractured inner world, where you feel a lot of pain.
This stuff, just started happening a few weeks ago man. Like, the better I began to feel in life, the more good things that started happening, the more I started to get these fucking flashbacks and this sense that something is wrong. It was the most weird sense and it just began happening a few weeks ago. I started thinking something just wasn't right....
Turns out, my unconscious supression, ended.
Unconsciously, my mind and inner being, conspired to do this, years ago. This strategy and turnaround plan, was formulated in my unconscious mind, perhaps as far ago as 12 years. It knew that I had to build a pathway for true success, and it carved out an absolutely genius battle plan, and put it into motion, for over 12 years. First came healing the physical body, then restructuring the mind and building self esteem and self respect, through getting so many WINS, it knew I would then respect myself enough to fight the actual demon, which will be a tough battle. It knew, this piece of the puzzle, if I was able to do all of the rest, I will be able to complete, and each stage, had to happen the way it did, to integrate, actualise, and realise the human this process was intended to unlock, which we will.
The next stage in the mission, may be the biggest yet.
But like all other goals I have achieved, this one, will be worked on, improved, and healing will take place. In time, my inner world, will heal and improve.
And then, I can resume my mission to find a partner, and provided I have gotten my SMV and vibe better, I think my results will continue to improve like they were!
-Ravi
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Slickbackkhair said:
Thank you bro I do appreciate it. And I will make this part of the journey work. I gotta do it, man, because I want to be a Dad. So let it be done.
The crazy part is, I can guarantee you pretty much, that there are a bunch of guys here right now, who went through a very similar sort of thing! They just aren't ready to talk about it yet. But I think my post, will hit a few of the readers, and maybe in 6 months, a year, two, or in my case, 3 years, You will see others have these realisations that I had. Its part of truly having done the work.
They will know how it feels. This experience is fricken CRAZY man. Going through it as a child, is just like nothing else, because you don't really understand the world or know much about life yet. Maybe why this stuff scarred my Mum less than it did me, she was in her later 20s so had many years of normal development.
I had my development deeply fractured at 4 years old, and had to scramble like crazy to function like a person. This log, to anyone who has read it from the start, probably makes a whole lot of sense right now, Lol.
It took me honestly 3 years of self improvement, just to understand that I had an abusive childhood. Supressed it and just buried the whole thing. Didnt think about it, more or less ever, blocked it all out, until now. Madness.
Thing is, I'm not worried about it. I will embrace the challenge, like a mature, humble, coachable adult.
-Ravi
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
The IronWill Project: Money, Muscles, Mindset
Wed 27th March
Actions
-Morning & Evening Routine
-Coaching delivery
-Sales
-KoT
-Healing Work
Notes:
As one chapter of my life closes, a new one opens, with new possibilities and adventures on the horizon.
I have decided I will for all intents and purposes, be closing the chapter of dating and trying to find a partner, and leave that part of my journey in the past, and move on and see what happens next in my life.
I am grateful for all the good things that happened, the successes, and also, the many learnings.
I will be off to live in the sun somewhere, and will be OK.
-MAC
Wed 27th March
Actions
-Morning & Evening Routine
-Coaching delivery
-Sales
-KoT
-Healing Work
Notes:
As one chapter of my life closes, a new one opens, with new possibilities and adventures on the horizon.
I have decided I will for all intents and purposes, be closing the chapter of dating and trying to find a partner, and leave that part of my journey in the past, and move on and see what happens next in my life.
I am grateful for all the good things that happened, the successes, and also, the many learnings.
I will be off to live in the sun somewhere, and will be OK.
-MAC
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Thanks bro. A long time coming, honestly. Need a good and deep detox, and to see what comes next in my life.
Sharing here as well as in my groups:
"https://integrativepsych.co/new-blog/trauma-memory-long-island#:~:text=Reemergence%20of%20memories%20usually%20means,enough%20place%20to%20heal%20it.
Trauma healing isn’t a simple 1—2—3 step process. If you’ve experienced abuse, shock, loss, neglect, violation, assault, violence or witnessed any of the above, you may initially shut down the emotional memory because the intensity of the emotions are too much to “digest”.
The human brain and body learn to put these into a “deep freeze” so it can get back to functioning in day-to-day life; showing up to school, work , perform duties and tend to relationships.
However, even when stored away, the body always remembers.
Even when memories are hidden, they don’t ever completely dissipate. Most trauma survivors experience triggers which are reminders to their unconscious mind of the past.
They may have nightmares that are metaphoric to the danger experienced, or may have flashbacks of images of what happened - often, without fully understanding what it’s all about. These are the ways the body holds onto the memory- no matter how much time passes, the body remembers all experiences.
Since it’s never fully “gone” from the system, eventually there will be a time where it comes spinning back in.
Why does this happen? Because you’re safe enough now. There’s a younger part of self that is inside that holds the experiences it’s gone through. When that part notices that you’re in a stable place in your life, or for the first time you’re in a place of safety, these memories come knocking - wanting to be heard, processed and resolved."
^^
what I am going through right now. wild. as i began to experience true abundance states and feel true glorious wellbeing. as my mind knew i am now, after so many years, safe and compotent. it began the process of gradually, slowly, releasing trauma. first, it gave me tester clues. it would raise things in my mind, from years ago, to see how i'd respond. and i did so with acceptance and stoicism. it could see i am now mature, competent, and ready to have the flood gates opened.
so i am going through a major trauma release right now. a wild life experience. and from this, will come a lot of healing.
taking the experience one day at a time. and look forward to what will come in the next chapter!
Sharing here as well as in my groups:
"https://integrativepsych.co/new-blog/trauma-memory-long-island#:~:text=Reemergence%20of%20memories%20usually%20means,enough%20place%20to%20heal%20it.
Trauma healing isn’t a simple 1—2—3 step process. If you’ve experienced abuse, shock, loss, neglect, violation, assault, violence or witnessed any of the above, you may initially shut down the emotional memory because the intensity of the emotions are too much to “digest”.
The human brain and body learn to put these into a “deep freeze” so it can get back to functioning in day-to-day life; showing up to school, work , perform duties and tend to relationships.
However, even when stored away, the body always remembers.
Even when memories are hidden, they don’t ever completely dissipate. Most trauma survivors experience triggers which are reminders to their unconscious mind of the past.
They may have nightmares that are metaphoric to the danger experienced, or may have flashbacks of images of what happened - often, without fully understanding what it’s all about. These are the ways the body holds onto the memory- no matter how much time passes, the body remembers all experiences.
Since it’s never fully “gone” from the system, eventually there will be a time where it comes spinning back in.
Why does this happen? Because you’re safe enough now. There’s a younger part of self that is inside that holds the experiences it’s gone through. When that part notices that you’re in a stable place in your life, or for the first time you’re in a place of safety, these memories come knocking - wanting to be heard, processed and resolved."
^^
what I am going through right now. wild. as i began to experience true abundance states and feel true glorious wellbeing. as my mind knew i am now, after so many years, safe and compotent. it began the process of gradually, slowly, releasing trauma. first, it gave me tester clues. it would raise things in my mind, from years ago, to see how i'd respond. and i did so with acceptance and stoicism. it could see i am now mature, competent, and ready to have the flood gates opened.
so i am going through a major trauma release right now. a wild life experience. and from this, will come a lot of healing.
taking the experience one day at a time. and look forward to what will come in the next chapter!
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Today's flow, was good.
Morning was brutal, was having hours and hours of PTSD trauma responses.
I did the work on them, and they began to simmer down.
Felt calmer, and more balanced.
Did hours of coaching. Which was fun as hell.
Went on a useful call on a biz group I am a member of.
Did journalling for about 90m.
Processed a tonne! Feel a lot better right now. Today, was brutal in the morning and the first half of the day. Did a few hours integration work. Day then improved, and I got into flow, and felt alright.
I then journalled, a lot, and now, feel pretty decent.
I would say, today was a successful day of healing. I will bring the same commitment and intention, to tomorrow's healing, and I will keep flowing and healing. There is no timeline for this, when I no longer feel heavy and feel the pains I've had for so long, I will think about the next chapter of my life.
SOME OF TODAY'S JOURNALLING - FORGIVING MY DAD:
Reflecting further on my Dad.
The times he was physicaly violent with me and my Mum, were about 2 'serious incidents' in total. He then, actually never touched her again. The rest of his ssues with me, were quite run of the mill hard handedness, slaps, hits, but within the normal range of absolutely shit parent physical violence.
He was mostly just a nightmare to be around. I mean, he is an inept, distant, vacant, emotionally unavaible, autistic weirdo. He is not normal, yes, and I actually struggle to understand if he is aware of his poor some of his behaviour was. I say was, because he has been fine for the past 3-4 years. I wonder if there is some strange disorder he has....he is definitely somewhere they pick weird ass people on the spectrum. And to pour some petrol on that fire, adding to that delightful brain chemistry, my grandparents, also, had a relationship that was......weird. Demon of a grandmother (genuinely evil, and she hated my Mum, and was insanely abusive to her, which also broke my little heart) and my Dad had a rough childhood also, coupled with the fact that he was traumatised to the bone himself when his Dad died (he took it really badly, and he was “not right” for a year and a half, as in, he was working reduced hours and stuff). So I gotta be honest, my Dard hardly had it easy. He has huge levels of racism to deal with, and he understandably as a weird autistic fuck, was a shit parent.
Just considering the absolute fuckin joke and a mess of a family structure I grew up in, my entire life makes sense, lmao.
I do have to then, put my wounds and obvious deep inner pain, in context. The dude only beat me ass badly, twice. Other than that, he was just poor at handling his rage issues, did lash out from time to time, but they were not that bad at all. The actual problem is, when he did a bad beating on me when I was 4, that was such extreme behaviour towards a small child, that the level of psychological wounding inflicted and the shattering of how all of reality worked for a 4 year old, was like a world splintering act. He really did a number on me that day, and I was never the same after that. Bummer, man.
As bad as that was........I gotta say, the dude was a prick, but he did a tonne of good also, worked super hard, did achieve a certain level of financial success which is quite admirable, and also, did take good care of my Mum. He paid for everything, though he was not exactly glad to.
I totally forgive him, and as those who know me are aware, I actually like both of my parents, get on with them both, obv I am close with my Mum, I am not close at all with my Dad, given we only started talking a few years ago, and this weird autistic fuck does not have normal conversations anyway….So, when I say we're talking, theres still not exactly anything meaninful exchanged, and they are not, you know, conversations.....
It's just really, really hard to be mad at him. A guy who has his non-normal brain, who had a rough childhood himself, and who also had huge levels of trauma himself when his Dad died early (I was about 5 at the time, maybe 6), I can see why he was a shit parent. I don’t know how he could have been a good one, given how weird a man he is. Me and my bro talked about it, and we both agreed, we reall can’t hate or dislike him. He is an actual retard (I am genuinely being serious) and just knows how to work very hard, long hours, save all his cash, and not spend much. That is literally him in a nutshell.
I am able to forgive people, quite well, I will say that. But this one feels genuine.
I actually like the dude. He always worked, paid for everything for my Mum, helped my brother out financally with diff things, helped me here and there I won’t lie (but not much! He is a tight as fuck bastard).
The problem I have with him, is that he was really shit at being a parent, had severe anger issues, like, really bad, and he was fully under a strong trauma response for a long time, which is why I think he was so spaced out and in another world for so long. I now recognise, he was infact deep in trauma, and was stuck in the cycle of the same thoughts, same speech, and same patterns, for decades. I can now see, how he just muttured to himself all day, he was unconciously processing his trauma. Sometimes, he’d get super drunk and just cry about his Dad for hours and hours. He did that shit, for a long time – 15 years. Crazy. I I think his trauma finally, at the age of 57, started to fade. Because he began acting differently at that ime and began to speak to me......My take on the dude, is that he was an oddball, who lashed out a few times, and then got fucking destroyed by the early death of his father, who was an amazing man (my grandad was a local legend in my city) and yeah I geuss when Grandad died my Dad just disintegrated and became a fuckin nutcase. Dissociated entirely.
I think my Dad, was brutally traumatised himself, very early on, and I also recognise, I don’t mean to be disablist when I say this, but he genuinely has a non-normal brain and is a truly, truly peculiar man. I do not blame a spaz of his ilk, with behaving poorly, having persistent anger issues for decades, and also, for being a miserable and vile fuck for so long, as he was clearly a mess. With autism, there is less self awareness, and these guys are not able to fix themselves. I have self awareness, so can look into my various psychological problems, and fix them. This is why I could understand how to fix my social skills, vibe, stop being a nice guy, etc. I could conceptually grasp it and integrate into my behavious, because I have good social and emotional intelligence. My Dad, has none of those things, so it just isn't the same deal. The thing I have to say, I am truly let down by him by, is that the times he used serious levels of violence and also had fits of rage, which were really extreme, were far, far, far too traumatic for such a young boy, and I can see, now as a 32 year old man, that he was infact my age, and this makes his actions entirely inexcusable. I have small cousins, who are 5 or 6. and I am unable to fathom, searching the deepest parts of my being, how a grown man, of 32 years of age, could use his fists on a helpless and innocent child. That truly does break my heart, and my young heart was broken then, like it is now. This was truly shameful, and it did scar me very deeply.
I forgive him, entirely, and I do speak to him daily. Given his own strange life, his lack of normal calibration, and the tough circumstances he was in, I do not blame him for these incidents. He fucked up. Big time. And I can let that go now.
I will also say, he did a lot of good, too. Was infact a good care giver to my Mum, supported her through tonnes, though he is emotionally inept and clueless. For a Mr. Bean like weirdo, he did his best. Furthermore, he did earn good money throughout his life, typically worked 80-100hrs a week, was never home (good, because he was a prick) and part of why his brain was so fuckin destroyed is that he had severe workaholism and HAD to be working, hence, not much sleep,
I do not blame this guy, whatsoever. But the bad times, were very bad. The home, was a broken home. I never felt loved and treated properly, and though my Mum was great and loved me a lot, Dad sucked – mitigating factor is, he was barely home anyway as he was working, so we didn’t have to suffer the miserable weird bastard much. The environment, was one where there was real love (Mum), but we existed in a pressure cooker (Dad) and I was always stressed, on edge, and not a happy child. As such, it was just too rough and made my childhood hard. I developed mental health issues early on, had anxiety by like 4/5! And yet, I can see, though he was only physical a small handful of times, it was knowing that he can go there, and also, the constantly awful state of hyper-alertness I had to be on because he was there. That was a environment that was not safe, I certainly didn’t feel it, and I can see why I developed the way I did.
The learning for me, is that my calm, gentle presence, good energy and vibe, and positive behaviours, ways of being, and mental models for the world, are pretty good for child rearing and developing the psychological foundation of children. The chapters that follow this journey, I have not written yet. I can still dream. And at this time, I am ready to let go and trust my healing process to lead me to my highest potential in this world.
Overall, I am at peace with the past. And I am also aware that many things were also good in my life. There was bad, there was a lot of good also. Frankly, considering everything, right now, I think I am able to process this and say, alright, fine, quite well!
The thing that, I guess, is where I will need to do more work now, is on my fractured sense of self. Because honestly man, I just don’t feel huge levels of anger at my Dad. Why? Said with all due respect and not to be disablist, the fella has a screw loose, is not the full shilling, and he is a profoundly peculiar and odd character. I have spent a bit of time the past few day just walking back the guy and looking at him, and he is just as mad as a box of spiders and looking at him, all I can really draw upon is how much of a ridiculous human being this person is. He is an old man now. What is the fucking point of being mad at him. I don't care. Fuck it. It's in the past, let it be.
Searching my body and mind, right now, I don’t really fuckin care. That's good. It may come back....let's see.....
The issue, I see it, is the damage that he did on me, by launching me into pain-world, and then living in that shit for so long. That, I have to fix. Because it did a lot of bad stuff to this head.
Self image. Self worth. Core stories and beliefs about myself as being lesser than, not worthy of good things, being insignificant, and the beliefs that I don’t matter, and so on, can now be processed and worked on.
I have to work through my mind, process it all, see what is actually going on in there, challenge it, reframe it, and make the emotional and internal shifts necessary to allow these things to be accepted and broken down, lessened, and to reduce their weight upon me.
I will be OK. I am ready to heal, release my tension and pain, process my trauma more, and do the work on nurturing myself and seeing myself the right way!
Morning was brutal, was having hours and hours of PTSD trauma responses.
I did the work on them, and they began to simmer down.
Felt calmer, and more balanced.
Did hours of coaching. Which was fun as hell.
Went on a useful call on a biz group I am a member of.
Did journalling for about 90m.
Processed a tonne! Feel a lot better right now. Today, was brutal in the morning and the first half of the day. Did a few hours integration work. Day then improved, and I got into flow, and felt alright.
I then journalled, a lot, and now, feel pretty decent.
I would say, today was a successful day of healing. I will bring the same commitment and intention, to tomorrow's healing, and I will keep flowing and healing. There is no timeline for this, when I no longer feel heavy and feel the pains I've had for so long, I will think about the next chapter of my life.
SOME OF TODAY'S JOURNALLING - FORGIVING MY DAD:
Reflecting further on my Dad.
The times he was physicaly violent with me and my Mum, were about 2 'serious incidents' in total. He then, actually never touched her again. The rest of his ssues with me, were quite run of the mill hard handedness, slaps, hits, but within the normal range of absolutely shit parent physical violence.
He was mostly just a nightmare to be around. I mean, he is an inept, distant, vacant, emotionally unavaible, autistic weirdo. He is not normal, yes, and I actually struggle to understand if he is aware of his poor some of his behaviour was. I say was, because he has been fine for the past 3-4 years. I wonder if there is some strange disorder he has....he is definitely somewhere they pick weird ass people on the spectrum. And to pour some petrol on that fire, adding to that delightful brain chemistry, my grandparents, also, had a relationship that was......weird. Demon of a grandmother (genuinely evil, and she hated my Mum, and was insanely abusive to her, which also broke my little heart) and my Dad had a rough childhood also, coupled with the fact that he was traumatised to the bone himself when his Dad died (he took it really badly, and he was “not right” for a year and a half, as in, he was working reduced hours and stuff). So I gotta be honest, my Dard hardly had it easy. He has huge levels of racism to deal with, and he understandably as a weird autistic fuck, was a shit parent.
Just considering the absolute fuckin joke and a mess of a family structure I grew up in, my entire life makes sense, lmao.
I do have to then, put my wounds and obvious deep inner pain, in context. The dude only beat me ass badly, twice. Other than that, he was just poor at handling his rage issues, did lash out from time to time, but they were not that bad at all. The actual problem is, when he did a bad beating on me when I was 4, that was such extreme behaviour towards a small child, that the level of psychological wounding inflicted and the shattering of how all of reality worked for a 4 year old, was like a world splintering act. He really did a number on me that day, and I was never the same after that. Bummer, man.
As bad as that was........I gotta say, the dude was a prick, but he did a tonne of good also, worked super hard, did achieve a certain level of financial success which is quite admirable, and also, did take good care of my Mum. He paid for everything, though he was not exactly glad to.
I totally forgive him, and as those who know me are aware, I actually like both of my parents, get on with them both, obv I am close with my Mum, I am not close at all with my Dad, given we only started talking a few years ago, and this weird autistic fuck does not have normal conversations anyway….So, when I say we're talking, theres still not exactly anything meaninful exchanged, and they are not, you know, conversations.....
It's just really, really hard to be mad at him. A guy who has his non-normal brain, who had a rough childhood himself, and who also had huge levels of trauma himself when his Dad died early (I was about 5 at the time, maybe 6), I can see why he was a shit parent. I don’t know how he could have been a good one, given how weird a man he is. Me and my bro talked about it, and we both agreed, we reall can’t hate or dislike him. He is an actual retard (I am genuinely being serious) and just knows how to work very hard, long hours, save all his cash, and not spend much. That is literally him in a nutshell.
I am able to forgive people, quite well, I will say that. But this one feels genuine.
I actually like the dude. He always worked, paid for everything for my Mum, helped my brother out financally with diff things, helped me here and there I won’t lie (but not much! He is a tight as fuck bastard).
The problem I have with him, is that he was really shit at being a parent, had severe anger issues, like, really bad, and he was fully under a strong trauma response for a long time, which is why I think he was so spaced out and in another world for so long. I now recognise, he was infact deep in trauma, and was stuck in the cycle of the same thoughts, same speech, and same patterns, for decades. I can now see, how he just muttured to himself all day, he was unconciously processing his trauma. Sometimes, he’d get super drunk and just cry about his Dad for hours and hours. He did that shit, for a long time – 15 years. Crazy. I I think his trauma finally, at the age of 57, started to fade. Because he began acting differently at that ime and began to speak to me......My take on the dude, is that he was an oddball, who lashed out a few times, and then got fucking destroyed by the early death of his father, who was an amazing man (my grandad was a local legend in my city) and yeah I geuss when Grandad died my Dad just disintegrated and became a fuckin nutcase. Dissociated entirely.
I think my Dad, was brutally traumatised himself, very early on, and I also recognise, I don’t mean to be disablist when I say this, but he genuinely has a non-normal brain and is a truly, truly peculiar man. I do not blame a spaz of his ilk, with behaving poorly, having persistent anger issues for decades, and also, for being a miserable and vile fuck for so long, as he was clearly a mess. With autism, there is less self awareness, and these guys are not able to fix themselves. I have self awareness, so can look into my various psychological problems, and fix them. This is why I could understand how to fix my social skills, vibe, stop being a nice guy, etc. I could conceptually grasp it and integrate into my behavious, because I have good social and emotional intelligence. My Dad, has none of those things, so it just isn't the same deal. The thing I have to say, I am truly let down by him by, is that the times he used serious levels of violence and also had fits of rage, which were really extreme, were far, far, far too traumatic for such a young boy, and I can see, now as a 32 year old man, that he was infact my age, and this makes his actions entirely inexcusable. I have small cousins, who are 5 or 6. and I am unable to fathom, searching the deepest parts of my being, how a grown man, of 32 years of age, could use his fists on a helpless and innocent child. That truly does break my heart, and my young heart was broken then, like it is now. This was truly shameful, and it did scar me very deeply.
I forgive him, entirely, and I do speak to him daily. Given his own strange life, his lack of normal calibration, and the tough circumstances he was in, I do not blame him for these incidents. He fucked up. Big time. And I can let that go now.
I will also say, he did a lot of good, too. Was infact a good care giver to my Mum, supported her through tonnes, though he is emotionally inept and clueless. For a Mr. Bean like weirdo, he did his best. Furthermore, he did earn good money throughout his life, typically worked 80-100hrs a week, was never home (good, because he was a prick) and part of why his brain was so fuckin destroyed is that he had severe workaholism and HAD to be working, hence, not much sleep,
I do not blame this guy, whatsoever. But the bad times, were very bad. The home, was a broken home. I never felt loved and treated properly, and though my Mum was great and loved me a lot, Dad sucked – mitigating factor is, he was barely home anyway as he was working, so we didn’t have to suffer the miserable weird bastard much. The environment, was one where there was real love (Mum), but we existed in a pressure cooker (Dad) and I was always stressed, on edge, and not a happy child. As such, it was just too rough and made my childhood hard. I developed mental health issues early on, had anxiety by like 4/5! And yet, I can see, though he was only physical a small handful of times, it was knowing that he can go there, and also, the constantly awful state of hyper-alertness I had to be on because he was there. That was a environment that was not safe, I certainly didn’t feel it, and I can see why I developed the way I did.
The learning for me, is that my calm, gentle presence, good energy and vibe, and positive behaviours, ways of being, and mental models for the world, are pretty good for child rearing and developing the psychological foundation of children. The chapters that follow this journey, I have not written yet. I can still dream. And at this time, I am ready to let go and trust my healing process to lead me to my highest potential in this world.
Overall, I am at peace with the past. And I am also aware that many things were also good in my life. There was bad, there was a lot of good also. Frankly, considering everything, right now, I think I am able to process this and say, alright, fine, quite well!
The thing that, I guess, is where I will need to do more work now, is on my fractured sense of self. Because honestly man, I just don’t feel huge levels of anger at my Dad. Why? Said with all due respect and not to be disablist, the fella has a screw loose, is not the full shilling, and he is a profoundly peculiar and odd character. I have spent a bit of time the past few day just walking back the guy and looking at him, and he is just as mad as a box of spiders and looking at him, all I can really draw upon is how much of a ridiculous human being this person is. He is an old man now. What is the fucking point of being mad at him. I don't care. Fuck it. It's in the past, let it be.
Searching my body and mind, right now, I don’t really fuckin care. That's good. It may come back....let's see.....
The issue, I see it, is the damage that he did on me, by launching me into pain-world, and then living in that shit for so long. That, I have to fix. Because it did a lot of bad stuff to this head.
Self image. Self worth. Core stories and beliefs about myself as being lesser than, not worthy of good things, being insignificant, and the beliefs that I don’t matter, and so on, can now be processed and worked on.
I have to work through my mind, process it all, see what is actually going on in there, challenge it, reframe it, and make the emotional and internal shifts necessary to allow these things to be accepted and broken down, lessened, and to reduce their weight upon me.
I will be OK. I am ready to heal, release my tension and pain, process my trauma more, and do the work on nurturing myself and seeing myself the right way!
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Genuinely feeling a lot happier!
The NO BRAINS CREW, started a new chat, which is helping me with my detox and healing. A massively appreciated move. With the PTSD and flashbacks, it can, at times, be difficult to think. Hence, having an excellent brain trust, has been a presistently valuable mechanism for me and my growth as a person.
To ultimately enable me to empower and assist, YOU. My goal in life is to be a positive contributor and I share all the tools I discover with everyone. I have never, ever held anything back. Any help I was given, I laid out all nuggets of wisdom and pearls here.
Clearly, the past few months, my childhood trauma was awakening and my mind, has been such a stormy place, that aspects of my being have been pulled all over, there was a "drowning feeling", and clarity was all but a remote memory.
Now, my mind is clearing up - very good!
Working on IW, supporting my humans, and we are all growing together. Love this. It's an incredible time inside the group right now, seeing the change unfolding for all of us.
Today, will be a good and positive day. Each day, I grow stronger. Some days, have been profoundly challenging. Indeed, some, I would describe, as absolute brutality. Sheer, otherworldly pain. The processing of childhood trauma, requires a strong constitution. I can see why, it took me so long to do this. It took my 3 year self improvement processes, to build a man so strong, he can handle this.
Normal part of growth. It works. You do this work, consistently, you grow. Normal, simple, easy stuff. No biggie.
Anyone can do this stuff. And it makes better people. Thats why I love it
So, onwards with the day:
-Sunrise (Done)
-Morning Process (Done)
-Meal Prep (Done)
-Gym: Off now!
When I return.........
-Admin
-Sales
-Coaching Delivery
-Healing Work
-Consult call w/ Sean (Paid consult with very experienced dude in healing, has a lot of knowledge on biology like I do, and is ahead of my by a few years in this journey, handled his own trauma and healed, left the UK for Mexico and flourished)
-Evening Process
Notes:
Some accountability. I have been shit with my diet this week, and this has worsened my body composition. I am doing this, to self soothe, and ease the pain. But I am working through this. And the pain, will reduce. And I can support my flourishing and growth, and show up, able to get my diet right, and get the outcomes that will make a better and happier man.
-Ravi
The NO BRAINS CREW, started a new chat, which is helping me with my detox and healing. A massively appreciated move. With the PTSD and flashbacks, it can, at times, be difficult to think. Hence, having an excellent brain trust, has been a presistently valuable mechanism for me and my growth as a person.
To ultimately enable me to empower and assist, YOU. My goal in life is to be a positive contributor and I share all the tools I discover with everyone. I have never, ever held anything back. Any help I was given, I laid out all nuggets of wisdom and pearls here.
Clearly, the past few months, my childhood trauma was awakening and my mind, has been such a stormy place, that aspects of my being have been pulled all over, there was a "drowning feeling", and clarity was all but a remote memory.
Now, my mind is clearing up - very good!
Working on IW, supporting my humans, and we are all growing together. Love this. It's an incredible time inside the group right now, seeing the change unfolding for all of us.
Today, will be a good and positive day. Each day, I grow stronger. Some days, have been profoundly challenging. Indeed, some, I would describe, as absolute brutality. Sheer, otherworldly pain. The processing of childhood trauma, requires a strong constitution. I can see why, it took me so long to do this. It took my 3 year self improvement processes, to build a man so strong, he can handle this.
Normal part of growth. It works. You do this work, consistently, you grow. Normal, simple, easy stuff. No biggie.
Anyone can do this stuff. And it makes better people. Thats why I love it
So, onwards with the day:
-Sunrise (Done)
-Morning Process (Done)
-Meal Prep (Done)
-Gym: Off now!
When I return.........
-Admin
-Sales
-Coaching Delivery
-Healing Work
-Consult call w/ Sean (Paid consult with very experienced dude in healing, has a lot of knowledge on biology like I do, and is ahead of my by a few years in this journey, handled his own trauma and healed, left the UK for Mexico and flourished)
-Evening Process
Notes:
Some accountability. I have been shit with my diet this week, and this has worsened my body composition. I am doing this, to self soothe, and ease the pain. But I am working through this. And the pain, will reduce. And I can support my flourishing and growth, and show up, able to get my diet right, and get the outcomes that will make a better and happier man.
-Ravi
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Insane number of views on this
900,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This will reach a million hits soon
Crazy
I will ascend. This story, is a truly incredible self improvement story.
Wait until I've healed more.
I will be CRUSHING LIFE.
When you see me do big things, which you kinda know, I will be doing...........remember these days...........the come up.....
-Ravi
900,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This will reach a million hits soon
Crazy
I will ascend. This story, is a truly incredible self improvement story.
Wait until I've healed more.
I will be CRUSHING LIFE.
When you see me do big things, which you kinda know, I will be doing...........remember these days...........the come up.....
-Ravi
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Happy Easter ya filthy animals
I do love ya
Feeling better, working on myself daily.
Off to Turkey for a week for a family holiday, 7 days on the beach.
Then off to Mexico for 6 months I reckon. Gotta go heal. Release my trauma, my negative beliefs, and manifest the next evolution of myself.
It's time.
-MAC
I do love ya
Feeling better, working on myself daily.
Off to Turkey for a week for a family holiday, 7 days on the beach.
Then off to Mexico for 6 months I reckon. Gotta go heal. Release my trauma, my negative beliefs, and manifest the next evolution of myself.
It's time.
-MAC
Thrice
Member
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2021
MakingAComeback said:
Happy Easter brother. Enjoy your holiday, turkey is incredible now if you can somehow benefit from ramadan's atmosphere. For example you might have dinner when they break the fast, delicious food from almost every arab country. I wish i could go too. Looking forward on your updates from Mexico
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Thrice said:
Thanks brother!
Looking forward to it, a good year is ahead.
Turkey is awesome. I did my hair transplant there, and really enjoyed it. Will spend a week there, mostly kicking back on the beach and healing. Then off to Mexico!
Feels like my journey has really entered a spiritual and psychological stage.
I have build a pretty cool life overall man. I have a lot of beautiful people in my life and a great future ahead.
Weekend was cool. Was with my family Sat, and the hung out with my friend David all day Sunday. We did smoke a bit of weed, which can be funny sometimes, and spent the day wandering around the city centre and having a great laugh tbh. Was needed. Had a 2 and a half hr phone convo with Paw after. Was the first time I've spoke to him since I left Budapest.
This has been a wild life the last couple years man.
Right now, I just want to be happy, and heal myself.
A mind that has negative self beliefs, will not reach the next level. A mind that holds anger, sadness, and pain, will not get past it's current level.
My heart is called to Mexico. I have been called for years, but did not have the strength and resolve to go, and was also very much tied up with dating and having to improve myself as a man. And yet, I did improve.
My vibe, energy, and presence, is pretty good now. People just talk to me, seem to like me. I get people trying to chat with me in the gym pretty often, which is cool. The girls there see me just mingling and being a cool, confident, cheeky sort of chap, and seem to like it. I don't have that dark cloud around my head and can now see, there are plenty who do seem to like and appreciate my energy.
I think this has been the major W that came from 3 years of dating.
I am proud of what I accomplished. And I am happy to put it to bed now.
I will be celibate MAC for a while.
I will be updating my thread, helping others from a place of detachment and surrender, and in time, I think as I heal, more answers will come to me.
You have to be happy man.
Grateful.
And try to live in that peace.
Chasing women did not give me peace. It actually brought a lot of pain and suffering.
Lets see what happens now.
-MAC
Ravi
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
Good therapy session with Kristina
Honestly man she was a good listener and really supportive.
Will be working on core beliefs. And committing further to celibacy and a long term detox.
A lot comes up. Lessons were learned. And also, some mistakes made on my part.
There are solutions. Namely, just changing the focus of my life, and seeing things differently.
The same changes, apply to the forums.
A true self improvement forum, must embrace that. This forum presently skews towards dating. The dating culture we find ourselves in, is hardly producing the sort of outcomes I could stand behind. I would be remiss to advocate for this. I can't stand behind something that has not produced the outcomes I would like to see in the world.
A shift towards deeper, more conscious self-development, I think would be good. An ethos of focus on one's mission, doing the deeper self work, and realising one's overall vision. Dating should be downplayed a little, de-prioritised, and seen as a relatively mundane activity that is just part of life. I think this would be good, to help guys avoid the position of finding oneself thoroughly dissatisfied and questioning why they even bothered. Fortunately, I didn't end my dating journey on a negative note as that, rather, I just lament that they were, well, not anyone I wanted. That is a bad outcome, and one that I can rightfully feel bad about.
The richness and substance of life, is felt from connection to what we are looking to do in this world.
Some adjustments to the structure are important. And a cultural shift away from "getting laid". I find this to be a quite negative northstar, and have seen it destroy a few men. This, is unethical, and only heartless bastard could perpetuate such a culture that creates harm to other beings.
I think if people have the goals they're working on, and prioritise themselves, their overall wellbeing and development, and are properly building projects which are not dating related, they will get somewhere. The idea of "taking care" of the woman stuff, I am now starting to see as a bit of a con. That feeling, of having "taken care" of this stuff, does not come for all. What if you're low SMV and it is a persistent uphill battle to get attraction and you obtain, consistently, sub par outcomes you're not happy with? The thought that this can be "taken care of" leads to a perpetual hamster wheel, as it was based on a fatal flaw and unsound assumptions.
For some, it can be "taken care" of and they can move on. You'll notice, many don't - perpetual players. A subset of people with their own unique and neurotic head issues. I avoid them.
For those who are in the kind of "wild card" camp I was, where you can kinda make it happen, sometimes, with some questionable ass women.................You have to ask yourself, truly, how long can you endure that, because it is entirely unsatisfying, and when it just hurts to continue, I think that's where you have to be honest with yourself.
I will be OK and my life will flow from here into other cool things.
I am trying to figure out how I can stop others from falling into this trap, and hopefully encourage a healthier and more positive future for the other men and forum users who will come here in time.
Perhaps we need to actually give people a more realistic and honest take? So they don't get too invested in chasing a fairy tale, which will save them a lot of pain to be honest
Quite torn about this.
-MAC
Honestly man she was a good listener and really supportive.
Will be working on core beliefs. And committing further to celibacy and a long term detox.
A lot comes up. Lessons were learned. And also, some mistakes made on my part.
There are solutions. Namely, just changing the focus of my life, and seeing things differently.
The same changes, apply to the forums.
A true self improvement forum, must embrace that. This forum presently skews towards dating. The dating culture we find ourselves in, is hardly producing the sort of outcomes I could stand behind. I would be remiss to advocate for this. I can't stand behind something that has not produced the outcomes I would like to see in the world.
A shift towards deeper, more conscious self-development, I think would be good. An ethos of focus on one's mission, doing the deeper self work, and realising one's overall vision. Dating should be downplayed a little, de-prioritised, and seen as a relatively mundane activity that is just part of life. I think this would be good, to help guys avoid the position of finding oneself thoroughly dissatisfied and questioning why they even bothered. Fortunately, I didn't end my dating journey on a negative note as that, rather, I just lament that they were, well, not anyone I wanted. That is a bad outcome, and one that I can rightfully feel bad about.
The richness and substance of life, is felt from connection to what we are looking to do in this world.
Some adjustments to the structure are important. And a cultural shift away from "getting laid". I find this to be a quite negative northstar, and have seen it destroy a few men. This, is unethical, and only heartless bastard could perpetuate such a culture that creates harm to other beings.
I think if people have the goals they're working on, and prioritise themselves, their overall wellbeing and development, and are properly building projects which are not dating related, they will get somewhere. The idea of "taking care" of the woman stuff, I am now starting to see as a bit of a con. That feeling, of having "taken care" of this stuff, does not come for all. What if you're low SMV and it is a persistent uphill battle to get attraction and you obtain, consistently, sub par outcomes you're not happy with? The thought that this can be "taken care of" leads to a perpetual hamster wheel, as it was based on a fatal flaw and unsound assumptions.
For some, it can be "taken care" of and they can move on. You'll notice, many don't - perpetual players. A subset of people with their own unique and neurotic head issues. I avoid them.
For those who are in the kind of "wild card" camp I was, where you can kinda make it happen, sometimes, with some questionable ass women.................You have to ask yourself, truly, how long can you endure that, because it is entirely unsatisfying, and when it just hurts to continue, I think that's where you have to be honest with yourself.
I will be OK and my life will flow from here into other cool things.
I am trying to figure out how I can stop others from falling into this trap, and hopefully encourage a healthier and more positive future for the other men and forum users who will come here in time.
Perhaps we need to actually give people a more realistic and honest take? So they don't get too invested in chasing a fairy tale, which will save them a lot of pain to be honest
Quite torn about this.
-MAC