I, ihnskko, commit to working on my goals and taking myself seriously.
Hey guys, I'm a 25 year old Italian guy currently living in London.
Background
I have been a disaster with women in my teenage years, mainly due to low self-confidence and lack of experience caused by a troubled upbringing and a lack of a strong paternal figure.
I lost my virginity at 21, to a girl in my college that kept throwing hints at me that I was too afraid to act on. After sealing the deal I went all beta on her and drove her away. After discovering the Red Pill and reading classics such as The Rational Male, I started to develop an understanding of female (and human) nature and began noticing patterns in my everyday life.
Knowledge was helpful, but didn't fix my underlying issues. Next was a 1 year LTR, where the girl was immensely into me at the beginning due to my newfound confidence, but my behavior got more beta until she got so comfortable and bored that she demanded an open relationship. I broke up with her and felt devastated for months. I then downloaded Tinder and had one or two lays out of dozens of failed dates. I took a sweet shy girl's virginity, and became so needy that she ghosted me.
I re-evaluated my behavior and tried to improve every part of my life. I had been lifting for years, and was very unhappy with my body. I started using anabolic steroids (just Testosterone) as I wanted to have an impressive physique, but they didn't help much as I wasn't fully consistent and likely didn't push myself hard enough.
At that time, I met a girl on Tinder and we clicked really well. She ended up becoming my LTR for 3 years, and we genuinely loved each other and shared many great memories together. She made my life much better and I was happy to have her. Except for one major problem: I felt like she was my only option to get laid, and even though the sex was very frequent, every time she rejected me made me feel like a complete loser who was out of control. The pain caused by the rejections spiraled into me becoming more needy, and the frequency of rejections rightfully increasing. That led to me (dishonestly) using Tinder during the relationship, as I felt like I had to prove myself that I could get laid.
Even when I did, I still couldn't help but feel that I wasn't in control of my sex life. I always felt that I was constantly the one initiating or desiring sex, both in my LTR and outside of it. Even if I did get laid, it didn't feel right. I realized that I really wanted to experience proper genuine desire from a girl, I wanted to experience what it's like to turn a girl on so much that she wants to desperately jump on me. My LTR wasn't giving me that, despite her amazing companionship and frequent sex.
At the same time, a girl from my social circle that I was interested in started stalking me on Facebook and contacting me. She held eye contact very strongly when we saw each other and I was sure she wanted me badly. I saw this as an opportunity to finally experience the "genuine desire" I was talking about above. Such opportunity, combined with the feeling of "lack of control" in my LTR's sex life, led me to tell my LTR that I wanted to "fool around with other girls on the side" as I was "not feeling 100% satisfied". She was devastated by my demand and broke up with me on the spot, taking all of her stuff and leaving my apartment.
That was about two weeks ago. I loved and still love my ex and it has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be with her again. We had experienced so much together and our connection was genuine. I have strong feelings of regret and loneliness every day. One part of me wishes that I never initiated a break up with her, and wants to get back with her as she truly improved my life. The other part of me knows that I would end up feeling the same "lack of control" and I would keep interpreting her (infrequent) rejections as lack of genuine desire. I am still very torn, but I feel like I am not ready to have an LTR like that. I feel like I have deep issues with my self-confidence, body image, and sex life that I need to address.
Since the breakup, I have been seeing the girl from my social circle I was talking about before. Turned out she was a virgin and, despite a lot of back and forth, I took her V-card and I am seeing her somewhat regularly. She is affectionate and sweet, but I do not have any strong feelings for her. My ex still lives in my mind.
I have also downloaded a bunch of dating apps again and started getting matches. I have been on 4 dates. The first girl was way less attractive than her pictures, and I ended it short. The second one was OK, but nothing special - I took her home but she bailed during escalation. Third one was cute, but rejected my attempt at kissing her halfway into the date, then rejected me again a bit later, and I just ended it at that point.
Last one was, again, a bit less attractive than her pictures - however I could sense a strong desire from her side. I escalated heavily and ended up having some of the kinkiest sex in my life on the first date. She was all over me. Despite finally experiencing "genuine desire", all I could think about during that time was how I wish my ex would have been like that with me. I will try to see this girl again, but just for fun.
And that's basically the story of my sex life. Despite many good experiences, and an LTR that enhanced my life, I am very unsatisfied with it.
I never felt in control. I never felt like I could get what I wanted, easily. I always felt like I had to put a disproportionate amount of effort to get laid or get a relationship, just to end up unsatisfied in some way or another.
Goals
My main goal is to become a man that girls find sexy, and that has no issue getting laid whenever he feels like, no issue finding a quality LTR, and no issue turning on his partners so that their "inner slut mode" is activated for him. Basically, I want to have a satisfying and memorable sex life.
To reach this goal, there are many things I need to work on, but I feel like the primary ones are (1) my physique, (2) my self-confidence, (3) my inner game, (4) my game, (5) my ways of obtaining leads, (6) removing bad habits.
Regarding (1), quarantine has fucked up my body as gyms have been closed for months. I (inconsistently) worked out at home but lost many of my gains. As soon as the gyms open up again, I want to maximize my gains and work towards an outstanding body, no matter what, even using anabolic steroids and spending money on personal trainers.
Regarding (2) and (3), I am currently talking to a CBT therapist. I am trying to understand where my lack of self-confidence comes from, and how I can improve my mentality, especially when getting rejected or when feeling inferior to others. One of the things that has been bothering me the most is my height: I am 5'6" and I've been rejected several times for it, both explicitly and implicitly. I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot change that and that I will always have a disadvantage, but I find it very hard to accept.
Regarding (4), I need to figure out how to get laid while minimizing wasted time. Many of my leads end up in flakes, dates that get nowhere, dates where the girl bails out right before sex happens, or dates where I can't even get a kiss. I need to have a plan for the various types of girls I meet, and I need to figure out how to genuinely express my sexuality and my desire to get laid without scaring off the girls or playing the long game.
Regarding (5), I want to maximize the value I get out of dating apps by improving my photos, bios, and approaches. I am currently doing OK on Tinder, as I can get a lot of matches and numbers, but I feel like I am getting too many flakes and that the quality of my matches is sub-par. On other apps, such as Bumble and Hinge, I feel completely invisible. I also never used Instagram, and many girls have explicitly asked for that - I feel like I am missing on some social proof due to that.
Regarding (6), I want to completely stop watching porn and I want to reduce how much I masturbate and procrastinate in general. I have tried to quit porn multiple times, but the urges get extremely strong especially after a bad date or when I feel lonely and like a loser. I want to be able to feel in control of myself and not have to look at pixels just to get off and get a temporary sense of pleasure that later becomes shame and disgust. I don't want to stop masturbation altogether but I am doing it way too often, and as a means of avoiding work or uncomfortable situations. These are things that I am discussing in my CBT therapy, but I really have no clue how to stop as many of the techniques I've tried have resulted in failure.
On the business/monetary side of things, I am doing quite well and I don't have much concern there.
Conclusion
The reason why I am here is because I am seeking help and - hopefully - a sense of community. All my friends are "blue pilled" and don't really understand intersexual dynamics as I've learned to during many years of experiences and knowledge consumption.
I don't have anybody I can talk about my goals, issues, and desires with. I keep everything bottled up inside all the time. While I understand that a man needs to be "a rock", I feel like my mental health and my progress would be much better if I had likeminded people to discuss with, that are just trying to improve themselves and succeed at life.