Day 124: 12/02/2022
Taking the second step: 'Clean your room'
Read Andy's article on how to overcome depression and one of the big things I took from it was to keep occupied with chores and mindless tasks etc.
I mentioned in my post yesterday that my room was dark, messy, depressing and cold.
So I cleaned my room.
Once I cleaned it and made sure it was tidy, I shut the door on it and came downstairs.
I've re-arranged it a little so it's more open and less closed off. I did feel claustrophobic in there to a degree previously.
I'm making an effort now to not spend as much time up there.
It's just gonna depress me being shut away from everyone all the time whilst the same depressing and intrusive thoughts creep into my mind and swirl repeatedly around in my head, which in turn leads to me having panic attacks and freaking out.
I'm sat in there at my desk now to type up this post, but then I'm heading back downstairs.
Another small step, but this was worth it. Cleaning up my environment has definitely improved my mood and given me a sense of accomplishment.
I also had a little breakdown today, but it wasn't as bad and after reassurance from my family, I'm feeling okay.
I'm never going to be perfect with my mental health. Been through too much trauma to aim that high, but I can get as near to it as damned and I'm gonna do my best to try at least.
Next step after this will be my physical health. Getting the all clear from my blood tests was a big step on the path with this. God, I was so scared on my way up to the Doctor's office. I hadn't had a blood test in 12 years - I was sick with kidney disease in hospital and had to have many blood tests when I was 15, which is probably why they scare the Fuck out of me.
I re-listened to Andy's 'Run Towards Fear' Podcast Episode on my way up and this really helped.
I may make getting a check-up by a nurse a yearly thing.
The weekend after was absolutely agonising. The wait for the results almost killed me. I literally did not get out of bed all weekend. I thought I was going to die or be told that I wouldn't have long left to live. All of these thoughts have just put me through hell the past week and has lead to me having a breakdown and needing to take some time off work to get my head straight.
It's absolutely Fucking horrible and it has destroyed me, but I kept up with the 365 Day Project of posting on here. I held onto that at least. I'm now going to try and rebuild myself back up.
Thanks for reading
Spider 🕷