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Upstart's AA Program Log

Yes, GLL has been down a few days now. Upstart, I haven't been posting but I'm at the same point as you in the AA program. I just did arm grabs in the club last night and saying hey, nice. Today I'm doing time, directions, and compliments. I don't know how many I'm supposed to do because the site is down.

I have the same issues, I often isolate them at Target or the grocery store so no one else hears me lol. I'll dm you so we can motivate each other and finish this strong! This is definitely hardest thing I've done. Week 4 was really rough but we're almost there!
 
Quick update:

I've finished both day 32 and 33, I just need to make a video to collect my thoughts on both. Day 34 is gonna be a bit of a challenge, but I'll do it of course.
As a result of the tapping drills, I'm beginning to feel more comfortable taking up girls' space or getting up close to them as I speak. I've never felt comfortable even being close to them for fear of making them uncomfortable. But basically, if I am comfortable with myself they are comfortable with me.

I will be training in boxing soon. This seems to be another spur of the moment decision God has made for my life. Just as moving out, doing these drills, getting a motorcycle, having sex, etc. I've always wanted to fight in some capacity. It's always been my dream, but I essentially told myself 'maybe next life'. I thought I'd need to preserve my hands and for drawing comics. Little did I know I'd be tackling life full force and pushing comics to the sideline.

The term "vibrational escrow" comes to mind. It's a "manifesting" term referring to all the stuff you want in life held in a vibrational storage in the universe until you become the person able to attract and manifest those desires in physical reality.
I haven't strived for these things showing up now. They just appear and I pick them like an apple from a tree. I remember wanting a motorcycle a long time ago. Maybe when I was 20. Now I have it. I remember wanting to fight, now I have an affordable gym to train at. I didn't have to strain to get them. In fact, I'd much rather be doing my original plans. But I see now that this is the way life moves and I cannot move against it.

My life is straight up turning into the anime I've always wanted it to be. Little by little. But it's not coming for free. The only cost is overcoming my own fears. Fear of moving out, the fear of changing my style and standing out, the fear of talking to girls, the fear of having sex, the fear of dying on a motorcycle, the fear of permanent injury in the ring. To all of these, God has said, "do it anyway." So I will. My favorite shows and books always involved a badass guy who can basically do it all. Girls throw themselves at him and he picks who he wants. He's strong and righteous and seems to make things look easy, but always puts in work to protect those around him.

Gintama, Great Teacher Onizuka, Luffy from One Piece. Ender, from second Ender's Game book, Speaker for the Dead. Daredevil, Batman. It never occurred to me that I could become like my heroes. I just thought I'd be a lowly artist until I became a rich artist. and THEN I would have my fun, but the way life is going, it's flipping things upside down and making me put my life and dreams first, and art second.

It recently came to mind that I always want to make numerous friends and have strong allies, a crew who would be down for me and my dreams and we'd all work together to achieve. I always wanted to be friendly have multiple girlfriends all into me, but I could never get out of my shell enough to let anyone in. I always put friends on the back burners for my dreams of becoming a comic artist. I always put them to the side so I could focus my mind. But my life during that period was a dull hum of existence.


Everyday would mostly be spent in my mind dreaming of the day I could finally unleash and become who I was meant to be. All I had to do was accomplish all my mind's goals first. and become financially free as an artist beforehand. But that would have only started in my 30s

Eventually I'll becoming back to my art one day, full force and I will take over the industry with my work. My comics and animations will be legendary.

I tried to skip rope for five minutes, shit kept getting tangled so it was more like 2 and half mins. Then I went for a mile run. Took about 9min 51s. The coach as the gym I'll be signing up for told me it had to be down to 7 min before going for 2 miles. My legs still hurt.

Continuing drills tomorrow, and signing up for the boxing gym.
 
IamGroot said:
Yes, GLL has been down a few days now. Upstart, I haven't been posting but I'm at the same point as you in the AA program. I just did arm grabs in the club last night and saying hey, nice. Today I'm doing time, directions, and compliments. I don't know how many I'm supposed to do because the site is down.

I have the same issues, I often isolate them at Target or the grocery store so no one else hears me lol. I'll dm you so we can motivate each other and finish this strong! This is definitely hardest thing I've done. Week 4 was really rough but we're almost there!
Click to expand...

Hey man, I'm using the Wayback Machine for the site. It works perfect. https://web.archive.org/web/20170706234757/https://www.goodlookingloser.com/anxiety/program-index/approach-anxiety-program-week-5-1

I'm also part of an active Whatsapp group all encouraging each other in the program. Let know if you want in!

Also, the only drills I've attempted then skipped were the nightclub ones, even the tapping drills were difficult, so I'll go back to those once I'm more comfortable!
 
Yo can I join the WhatsApp group too? I haven't gotten past 21 yet, I've been repeating week 3 for 2 weeks now.
 
IamGroot said:
Thanks bro, sent you a pm.
Click to expand...

I don't see a message, yet.

hannangame said:
Yo can I join the WhatsApp group too? I haven't gotten past 21 yet, I've been repeating week 3 for 2 weeks now.
Click to expand...

Absolutely, send me a DM!
Side note: I attempted day 21 for more than two weeks, but eventually had to skip ahead to keep up progress. I'd attempt the Drill on weekends and do Week 4 on weekdays. I haven't tried again in a while, but it might help if I was drunk!
 
https://youtu.be/roxJd-GEJ3k
https://youtu.be/H7Ju7i4Fwi4

Okay, I've redone my hardest drill, day 27. It was so difficult for me because I had such a hard time touching someone without their permission, even by tapping them on the shoulder. I've felt like a creep for so many years of my life I didn't consciously recognize it until now. I see guys online with game and "rizz" and I never considered that would even be possible for me. But I feel now that it may well be within reach someday soon.

Day 27 (Where's the Beach) took me several days to get through the first time, but only a couple hours the second time. I've grown!
When speaking, I know if I speak with more confidence, conviction and presence, the girl answers in kind. In fact, getting a weird or negative reaction happens much less and if it does, it feels much less painful. Because when I come in with confidence, the reaction is basically on the girl, not me. But if I come in with a weird creepy vibe and the girl acts weirded out that's on me.

Day 32-33 were very easy, but I've skipped 31 another night drill, because of the touching issue. 34 (Banana Phone) is about to be weird because it's another silly one, but I'll find a way.

I've started training boxing and it's mostly conditioning so far. Which sucks cuz I hate sweating and breathing hard. But I want to be able to fight, so it's necessary.

I've taken a short break from online dating since the last two girls I've fucked with. And I'm only just now getting back into it. I just got a girl's number fairly easily so I'll see where that goes. She's up for a date this Saturday. I'm gonna take Casey Zander's advice and just chill and vibe with the girl, getting to know her and not pushing for sex, which is kinda boring without knowing the person anyway. Because I've already had it, there's no rush or pressure this time.

Sounds bad to say, but now that I've had sex, I feel like I can own parts of myself I thought would never get me laid.
Like my love for comics, or animation, or my musical taste. I always withhold the weird or eccentric parts of myself to others because I don't want to feel shame or embarrassment. So I keep it all to myself. I don't feel like I've ever lived fully.
I don't hate clubs because they're clubs. I hate them because I don't want to embarrass myself dancing badly to songs I like. I don't want to look uncool in front of everyone. If these thoughts sound juvenile, it's because I never dealt with them since my teen years, and to Kill My Inner Loser I have to confront every false narrative that's held me back in life so far.

I wonder what would happen if I share some my true self with someone else. Would I be accepted or rejected?
The answer just hit me now. If I accept myself fully it doesn't matter who accepts me or not.

Easier said than done!
 
Quick update:

I haven't attempted day 34 yet, but I'm getting to it!

I've completed my first week and a half of boxing training, but I have much more to go before I stand any chance against other amateurs.

I've also gone out on my first date in a month.
It went well! All my dates go well. It's setting up the second one I sometimes have trouble with, but she's eager for a second one and we've set the venue pretty easily.

I want to get my comic published and do that for money. I don't know how imma pull it off, but it feels like the right next step.

I don't know how to explain it, but everything I'm doing is connected to each other. I don't feel disjointed in my mind anymore. Boxing is increasing my testosterone, allowing me to lose weight and learn to fight at the same time. My increase in stamina and mental focus allows me to draw for longer and have the energy to tackle whatever comes up. Talking to girls and getting laid has increased my self-esteem and allowed to me to know myself much more than before. I feel like I'm becoming more complete as a man, but I have so much more to grow into.

Starting by finishing these drills! Hopefully by year's end.
 
https://youtu.be/DQppfcuoDag

Went on a second date with this girl on Saturday. She was 1 1/2 hours late. When I called her on it, she gave some lame excuse. Not only that, but she was slathered with makeup. Really caked on. As soon as she pulled up, I wanted to leave. I didn't feel like talking to her much or even trying to keep the conversation going. She has no discernible personality I could find, but I didn't get a chance to draw out her true self in conversation because of the venue. We were at a Dia de Los Muertos convention and I spoke to some great comic artists and handed out some business cards so the date wasn't a complete waste. I didn't pay for any of her food. I tried to dance with her when the band was playing, but she said she'd be too embarrassed, which is fine. But the whole thing felt like two people who were physically together, but practically alone. I wanted to walk her back to her car, but she declined so I bounced.

As a man, I know it's my job to lead the situation, but as soon as she pulled up, I lost all desire as soon as I saw her. Blocked her on my phone and app. No third date. The first date went much better, but this was trash.

In online dating, I basically take what I can get. I'm sick of this process. Unless the girl makes it super easy to text and meet up, I think I'll just stop until I finish these drills. Then I can choose the girls I want in real life. Or at least attempt to.

I don't think I'm a casual sex guy yet. Maybe I'll get there when I'm better at sex in general. For now, I want to fuck a girl I actually like. I'd much prefer to have a few quality (possibly concurrent) relationships with a few girls I really like, than a hundred hollow sexual encounters. Dating is supposed to be fun, right? But I don't know how to make it fun, yet. I get too nervous as if every date is my last chance. The sex is not worth the effort it takes to get it, but my improvement as a man is. I want to make sex fun as well, not just a meaningless encounter between two consenting parties.

Seeing a "bad bitch" almost annoys or disgusts me at this point, because I thought I'd be more turned on and infatuated by them, but having had sex before and touching a woman's body, there's no special feeling I get out of it, or seeing a girl like that. I can sense the femininity and innocence has been fucked out of her. Too much arrogance and entitlement with little to no humility. Nothing is worse than a pretty bitch who acts like she's better than you just based on looks. You can tell by the look in her eyes she's been ran through.

Which feels more rewarding:
Sleeping with the girl who's dressed in booty shorts. Everyone can see her goods including you, so half the mystery is gone anyway. Or finding a girl who's dressed modestly. Pretty and shapely with a look in their eyes which shows she hasn't been ran through.

They say you can love women or you can understand them, but you can't do both. I understand too much about them, that the thots and hoes just look the same to me. Now that I know what's underneath sexually, I just don't feel excited to play all these games for some used up pussy. I'd rather get to the point where that pussy comes easily to me.

I'm only developing this skill so I can find the kinds of girls I can get along with for real. I just want to relax and be myself and the girl be into my true personality. It's tiring to play games with girls just to get pussy. But I have so little experience, I treat every encounter as if it's my last because I don't yet have the ability to generate a lot of options.

If I had a lot of options I'd create a rotation of girls I could most be myself around and not have to hide who I am in fear of losing them. If I have options, I wouldn't be afraid to drop the girls who play games too many games.

But that rant only comes from being an outside observer of women. I'd much rather get to know a girl's true personality before casting judgement. It just feels like I'm still so far from where I want to be. I'm just letting out my frustrations to be honest. I'm glad I have an outlet to share my true feelings on the subject without censorship.

On the contrary, my life feels like it's all coming together. Even though I'm doing a lot of disparate activities, they all seem to feed into each other. All of that has been held together by my savings though, and that is running out quick!
I'm eating much more healthy, I'm boxing, getting stronger. Things really go in an upward spiral if you don't give up. Everyday I make my mind stronger, focus on making myself a better man. I've come so far since leaving my parent's home. And now, I'll just keep reaching higher. Really want to finish these drills by the end of the year if possible, because I have no more savings left to pay for rent next month, lol.

The last pillar I really want to set in place is getting my art career off the ground and start making money with my own comic.
I don't feel as comfortable dating without generating some type of consistent income.
I've just had my second spar at boxing yesterday and now I'm no longer scared to get hit in the face. Cause I've already been hit. A LOT. I did give the guy a nosebleed though. Not on purpose!

I'll continue next post about my 3rd attempt at day 34.
 
https://youtu.be/3QuUSRWMxKk

My most recent attempt at day 34 was a flop. I felt like I could bust this one out in 10 minutes.
I HAVE THAT ABILITY. I can see it RIGHT THERE. But for some reason, I COULDN'T and I don't know why. I walked around Target for a few minutes, went to the book section where I usually flip through Chainsaw Man or My Hero Academia and got lost in some manga for a while. I maybe asked 1 person for the time and walked around some more before finding somewhere to sit down and lament.

The thoughts in my mind began to swirl with the usual questions, "why do I never feel good enough?", "why can't I just talk to women normally like everyone else?" (assuming everyone can just talk to women regularly), "what am I really afraid of?" "how long until I can approach women normally?".

All these questions usually precede a major breakthrough, but there was none this time. I haven't attempted drills for a few days. I'm running out of funds to pay for my living situation and now I want to learn about how money actually works so I never have to work a real job again. I don't think I can make much with my comics right off the bat, so I want to try to find some online method. I don't have enough to pay rent on the first of next month, so I'll see what I can do in the next two weeks. I'm actually excited to see what happens, because I'm not going back to a real job, unless this is the last resort in the coming weeks.

I don't feel comfortable dating right now if i don't have some kind of income. I've just been going off savings for the last few months so I was hoping to kill this anxiety before it ran out. Maybe it's because I want to finish so quickly. Or it could be that I just have a lot on my plate and my priorities have shifted. I will say though that I'm always doing what I want. Boxing, drawing, drills, motorcycling, walks, etc. If my income becomes detached from working a real job, I'll just keep heading in an upward spiral.

I think I'll take the next two weeks to go on some form of monk mode. I'm going to try out Andrew Tate's HU and see if I can pay rent with what I learn. I'm going to stop the fucking Red Pill content so I quit hating on women, because it really skews my perception of them negatively. I'm gonna cut off Twitter, Pinterest and Youtube shorts and only focus on making money. But I'll keep jerking it, cuz I got no girl right now!

Baby steps, baby steps...
 
Quick update:

Wow.

I just realized that talking to girls is legit the thing I'm MOST afraid of.

I got over the fear of moving out.
I got over the fear of riding my motorcycle.
I got over my fear of running out of money.
I got over my fear of stepping into a boxing ring.
I've even gone on dates and have had sex!

But talking to new girls? Conveying my personality? Being confident? Saying some off-beat stuff to them?
STILL HARD AS FUCK.

I went out today to attempt Day 35. It was late in the day, so I couldn't stay long. I set a timer for 15 minutes as I heard somewhere that that is a good measure of being immersed in an activity before you get into a flow state. I was in a Target for about 15 minutes and just kept walking around asking a few women for the time here and there. Chris on GLL explained on the recording I was supposed to be having fun with this and I realized that I haven't had fun with this in a long time. I find it to be a grueling process with results I don't know are worth it. But that leads into another point I realized which I'll get into soon.

Today, I started to understand that taking the time to focus on my fundamentals, (posture, vocal projection, inner mood, breathing, starting small, getting in there) would allow me to get much further each outing. When I think "no one else has this issue", I have to remember I can't know anyone else's journey and no one can go through mine. I also remember that I'm basically in the beginning stages of developing a skill I've never bothered to try. I only feel more nervous about this one because it feels like my ego is directly on the line. I can't hide from a rejection or a bad interaction. There's no buffer in real life. The internet has allowed me to safely observe all conflicts and sexuality behind a screen. And all I have to do now is undo a couple decades of faulty wiring.
It is what is.

But that leads me to my next point which is, succeeding at these drills for me now, is less about adding actions and more about stopping certain habits.

For one, I've stopped watching any Red Pill content condemning, chastising, or blaming women or making them look stupid. I'm the stupid one for consuming all this stuff while trying to do these drills. It's like shooting my foot and trying to walk at the same time. Not only that, but if my only interaction with women is either negative (RP content) or sexual (porn) of COURSE I'm going to attract toxic girls who I'm only attracted to for their body. Of COURSE my fear of rejection would be compounded by my hatred of a false idea of women concocted from years worth of RP videos.
So I'm just going to detox from that because none of these vids tell me anything new and only serve to make this process more difficult than it should be.

Because, get this, there is no woman in my life, now or in the past that I truly have a problem with or a grudge against. Not one comes to mind. This negative energy only comes from watching these RP videos, and is direct opposition to the goal I'm aiming to reach. Why would I want to sleep with women, love women, play with women, or care for them if all I've learned is to despise their nature? How can I have fun with these drills if I've already condemned women in my heart?!

I had to forgive the entire monolith in my heart and mind in order to continue forward. I never wanted to hate women. They aren't even a monolith to be hated. I just didn't want to get my feelings hurt while interacting with them. So I used RP as a shield.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I called my previous FwB by name.

Maybe to be open to women is to be open to life. They haven't really done me wrong, so there's no point in hating them.

I wonder what else I should STOP doing to get better at speaking with women. This one was pretty big for now.
I'm making it a point to just cut back on Youtube "advice" videos and just go DO the thing and learn that way. I really underestimate what I can already do given the amount of info I've retained over the years.

Sometimes it still floors me just how much inner growth I've had to do to reach this point and how much deeper I have to dig in order to claw my way to the heights I aim to reach in life. I realize that many of the men I've seen over the years have just sort of given up at a certain point. Either never reaching the heights they aimed for, or never aiming that high in the first place. I want to make great comics and make great money doing it, get some great girls around me, become an amateur boxer, travel with my friends and live a great life. The only way I lose is if I give up which I just won't do. I told my family years ago. That I will either succeed or die. But I won't give up.

Today I'm going to be working on my comics as a business since I'm I about to have $0 in my bank account while being nearly $4000 in credit card debt on top of my student loan debt to boot. HAHA! Can't wait to see how I get out of this one.
Because I know I will.
 
Quick update:
I WILL NOT WORK ANOTHER 9-5 JOB.

I just remembered. I'm extremely creative. So are YOU.

I will become one of the best storytellers of my generation. I thought that was a dream far off in the distance after I conquered this approach anxiety and banged tons of girls, but the same impulse that pushed me to move out of my parents' spot is now pushing me to make a true attempt at becoming a comic artist again. Mostly because I need the money, but refuse to work another day job. But the momentum and force I need to get off the ground is detracting from my pull to do drills and I promised that would be my #1 priority until I finished.

Now I get to problem solve to figure out how I'll manage both in my life since I've decided never to work a job again.

I've been watching a lot of Dan Koe, Hamza, Alex Becker. Ever since I gave up watching Red Pill content a few days ago, all that mental bandwidth has suddenly been reallocated toward making money. Real money from my own content.

In this time of living on my own, having no job, trying to hit on girls, buying a motorcycle, and boxing, I've realized that this is all just a small scale version of what I'd be doing anyway if I had millions. I'd always be improving, because I'm literally just CURIOUS to know what it looks like when I can actually talk to girls. What a fight actually feels like. What it looks like to actually make a great comic book. What it actually looks like to make 100s of thousands and maybe even millions doing it, because even after I'd made all that money in passive income and achieved financial freedom, I'd still just keep improving and moving forward, because that's just who I am.

I've also been massively sick for the past couple of days after inhaling some dust in my room and today was the worst of it. I just laid in bed nearly the entire day too fevered to move, coughing, dizzy, no appetite, nothing. But my fever just broke so I'm doing a lot better now.

I actually went out yesterday to attempt drills and immediately noticed how much less judgement I carry towards women in general. Since turning off all the RP channels (blocking notifications, unsubscribing, removing recommendations), I can feel my enmity wearing off. I'm starting to remember they're human beings with their own wants and needs just like me. I can't wait for this to wear off more and more as time goes on because those erroneous beliefs were clouding my eyes and getting in the way of my goals. I'm starting to look at girls with more curiosity than pre-judgment.

I'm gonna start making money on my own through my own goals and passions and attract girls into my life that I actually like. Not by pretending to be toxic, but by being who I am.
 
Quick update: Feeling much better.
Celebrating thanksgiving with the folks. But after that, I'm going back home to work. I've put myself in a no choice situation to make my comic business work for real this time. Sink or swim. But the choice for me has always been swim or swim better.
I've found that after taking out both RP content and 90% of mindless browsing, I'm pretty creative and focused in general. I know all I need to do is continue on this path to eventually see results, but I like the day to day process of being in my room and tossing around creative ideas and thoughts.

As for drills, I think I'm going to pivot into actual approaches. I'll make up a few go-to scripts and do a 100 Approach challenge like this guy on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mC34TSXNKiY
I may find a way to document this process. at least in audio recording. I like Andy's idea of a new modified drill program and starting real approaches much earlier in the process.

The drills have done most of the work of getting me out there and approaching women, but I feel like the same guy essentially. I think it's because I haven't yet dealt with my core fear and put myself up for real rejection with a real approach. I may have hit diminishing returns with the drills and just need to start. I like myself enough now and have a lot going for me in general to where even a harsh rejection shouldn't kill me.

So here's what I'll do. I'm going to do 100 real approaches taking however long that will take, and if I truly feel the need to go back to the drills, I'll pick them back up where I left off and finish them. For now, I'm done with them!
 
Quick Update:
Down to the last $27 I have to my name. I'm already in the hole for school loans and credit card debt. I just learned my hard disk holding important files, videos, and -let's face it- good-ass pr0n, is unrecoverable. I lightly dropped it a month ago, and apparently that was enough for the engineers to say, "fuck it". Would've been $700+ to fully replace, but thank god for the cloud back up. I'm meeting with a friend Friday to talk to girls, and I have a date Sunday too.
I am strangely calm.

I've finally found the seed of an idea I can use to start growing something. But it will take work. At least a month or two to get it off the ground. And rent is due today.

I sat for days and weeks reading and gathering ideas and possible routes to my goal. Everything my mind tried to do failed. No matter what I THOUGHT would be the correct course of action I found myself unwilling and unable to pull it off.

Anything that did not involve my primary goal in life was immediately ignored. I wanted to try E-commerce, Amazon Selling, anything to make cash fast. My body refused. It eventually came to the point where I had to give up trying to solve this issue with my mind. I said, "Nothing I think of works!"

Then almost immediately after, the thought flashed into my mind from without, "I'm going to draw a Zine and sell it online."
Will this work? I don't know.
Am I doing anyway? Absolutely.

It's the closest thing I have to an idea I can iterate on immediately and that's my only hope. It seems that my body is unwilling to do anything even remotely unrelated to my life's purpose. How am I gonna make money? I'll figure it out.


Gonna miss that pr0n, though.
I'm gonna have to redownload a lot of that. :cry:
 
Quick Update:
$1.72 in my Bank of America account.
I've exhausted pretty much all other safety nets and I have no money coming in yet. I have a wedding to attend in January and I still haven't bought the ticket or tailored my suit. I went on that date yesterday and spent $10, then used the rest for groceries afterward.

I am very clear today.
I woke up very early and started boxing training. My usual 5 minutes of jump rope, then a 1-mile run. Did some laundry studied some boxing form, and vacuumed some dust from my ceiling. Laundry's in the washer and I've had breakfast. I'm surprised by how clear my energy can be when I improve my eating habits. I jumped rope without getting tired and ran my fastest mile today (9 min, but still!).

This is the "beta version" of the life I've always wanted to live. Like a video game in the demo stages. I wake up and do what I want each day, which happens to be training, learning, talking to girls, and drawing to make money. When I worked at my previous warehouse job, I dreamed of days like this, thinking it would be far off in the future, but it's actually happening now.
Not under the best circumstances, hence the "beta version".

In the more updated versions with the glitches patched out, I'd be a making good money as an artist, be a much better fighter, getting the girls I want, and my spot would be updated to be like a mini-mansion, perfect for inviting girls over. Almost like a yacht effect. I have more, but high quality friends, and just be making other people's lives better.

I realize that I'm happy now and I'm not trying to become happier by updating my life because I'd just be the same level of happy, just different quality. That's why it would matter more to me to allow others to enjoy my company when they're around me.

I'm putting girls on hold until I make some money. But maybe I'll hit up the girl I went out with again.
 
Quick update:

Been spending my days drawing and setting up my website. I will continue to draw and create chapters of my comics and content for social media so I can gather a massive email list to sell books by the end of next year. Right now, I'll probably find part time work to make ends meet, but no permanent positions!
 
Update: Merry Christmas, y'all!

Me: Realizing that my view of women is skewed to the point that it's hard to have a decent conversation with a nice looking girl at my church without thinking about wanting to have sex or some type of relationship with her.

Also me: New year's resolution to get a bad asian bitch and a white bitch and a latina bitch.

And make a living from my own work too, I guess.
 
https://youtu.be/cruc3bbhWrI

Life update:

I ended up getting a job after all. :? I'm a dishwasher now. Rather, I wash dishes for money. While working on comics on the side. Beats the hell out of working warehouse. This whole situation has pushed me to jumpstart my art business this year, so I could have some side income coming in and eventually move to full time.

I'm in a better spot financially, but only by a little. I'm about to catch up on rent this week so that's great. Next I'm working on my $4000+ in credit card debt, so there's that. I'm in great shape, but I want to get back into boxing soon. I ran out of money so I stopped.

As soon as I'm financially able, I want to begin dating again. And by the end of the year I want to be done with the AA Program and become a full-time comic artist. That's about it. I could use a dentist, though. Feels like my teeth are getting weaker.
 
Life Update:

At this point, all I do is work and work out.

Like I'm training to eventually get back on the dating scene.
Since my last post, I've gotten 1 out 3 root canals I need. That shit's NOT CHEAP. Over $4500 when all said and done. ON top of my 4000+ in credit card debt. My finances are COOKED.
But it will be worth it, just to get out of PAIN.

It's been a difficult few months, ngl.

If anything I believe my tooth pain was meant to deter me from going out again for a while.

Knowing me, I would've taken the money I was making to go and start dating again immediately, but now all that cash is going to dental bills and etc. So I can't at the moment. I believe in divine orchestration, so if now is not the time, now is not the time.

There is no doubt that getting laid last year increased my confidence through the roof. Eventually, I want to take this to the furthest possible extent I can. Not reaching craziness like Owen Cook/RSDTyler, but enough so that I know I'm solid.

I realized today that though I don't have as much confidence as most guys who get laid regularly, what little confidence I do have is REAL. It's backed by actual feats and accomplishments. I don't show off or act like I'm HIM, but I stand up straight and assert myself when I need to. Before, I thought I was worthless as a dating prospect, now women can't help but look at me. I even got catcalled the other day. Woman drove by in a car talkin' bout "Hey, baby!"

So that's how that feels!

Eventually, I want to be confident and competent on the level of Andrew Tate, but in my own way.

I just want to feel free within myself, which has always been the goal, so I will continue until I reach master level.

I want to continue boxing, fix my motorcycle, and start approaching the ladies again ASAP! I can't afford to right now, so all my skills are on maintenance mode, while I build my business into a profitable venture. I can't afford a gym, so I workout at home. I can't really date girls, so I make conversation occasionally at the grocery store. My motorcyle's broken down so I can't joyride at the moment. In a lot of ways, everything has been orchestrated for me to focus on work and business.


In March, my BEST friend basically destroyed the great relationship we had. I can't really trust him on an emotional level anymore. We're still roommates and we still talk, but I doubt it will ever be the same as before.

He basically put me on the silent treatment for three weeks, straight through my birthday.
What kind of man does that to another man?! What are we kids? Women?

What made it worse is that we always talked things through and never shut down like that. I'd given him a birthday present last year that made him cry, but for my birthday this year, all I got was Ignored.
We'd just worked through a prior argument just before this silent treatment, but after that, I was left in the dark.

Everyday, every moment that passed was another moment he was destroying our friendship. I couldn't sleep. Barely ate. I couldn't tell which hurt worse, my teeth or my chest. In my mind, I had to saw him off like a malignant tumor so I could focus on work.

A man committing such a fucking female act to his best friend is NOT to be trusted.
We're roommates, so I don't know if he's gonna start doing petty BS like fucking with my car, my motorcyle, going into my room when I'm not home, for some kind of secret revenge. You can't predict emotional/irrational behavior and I don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with that.

Luckily he's not on demon time and we talk here and there when we see each other. But at the moment, I feel lonely. Like, I need a new friend to fill in the gap. Someone close by. It sucks to watch a movie and have no one to talk about it with.

In the meantime, I'm trying to understand human nature more with Robert Green's most recent book, "The Laws of Human Nature".
I wonder if it was jealousy. I don't know.

I need to make new friends, people that are nearby, men who aren't knuckleheads, men who aren't emotionally volatile but actually want to make something of themselves in life. Preferably artists or entrepreneurs, like myself.
 
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