Journaling
2ND DATE W/ TATTOO GIRL: COFFEE, DISCONNECT FROM THE SELF, AND BROKEN ATTACHMENT
Our first date, was Friday. She declined the pull, telling me she’s gone back with guys many times before, and it’s just led to meaningless sex. She told me she’s not looking for casual right now, and is looking for something that could go somewhere.
At this point in my journey, I am pretty f**king sure any form of dating life will not be built, and I am kinda mentally “checked out” from this vision now, and just kinda wanna enjoy what I can get. It ain’t much, but even having a chick to talk to, is great, and beats nothing.
I notice how I just can’t relax during the date, and despite my efforts, I cannot sink into the moment and just get into flow. We’re vibing and having good convo, but there is a uneasiness that I always there, a latent strain, an inner tension.
I notice this, and am practising letting go, but I just can’t stop feeling this low level stress. It’s quite annoying. I decide, I will just sit with it.
120+ dates and this happens EVERY TIME.
With men, I’m comfortable AF. With women, I am low key triggered in a small way, my core just feels tense. It’s not something you can detect on the surface, but it is there, always.
There is an underlying emotional stream of doubt, fear, lack, scarcity…..always underneath the surface.
It is just assumed, and implied, that the girl probably doesn’t like me, and it’s “likely to just go nowhere, another ghost”.
Tattoo girl, however, is a curious experience.
It’s not my first ever day game date. I’ve had, in the past 2.5 years, I think 4 in total. But this is the first one, ever, who didn’t immediately ghost.
And it’s also the first, who made out with me so heavily, for hours, and spent a really incredible night with me, walking about Budapest, drinking tonnes of gin, and exploring each other. Was great.
What I couldn’t help but feel, was just how rare this is.
This happens, basically never.
So when it does, you have to enjoy it. A good dating life, is really only for a small % of men. The rest, need to learn acceptance and, frankly, LEARN TO SETTLE. I think I need to learn to settle also man. Outside of that, when you get small wins, you just have to enjoy it. To the maximum. You have to bathe in it, sink into it, because it may never happen again.
That, is scarcity.
And that is also brute reality and how this works for some men.
Better to enjoy life and let go.
“GIRLS DON’T LIKE ME”
One of the stories I tell myself….
……...Is this true?
No.
SOME, actually do. It is insanely rare, but some, actually do.
My old FWB, liked me as a person. L, though a f**king basketcase, liked me. Did my 2nd date with Tattoo girl, and she, we’re pretty sure, seems to like me.
Here is a pic of me & this pretty little thing. This bitch is cool as fuck.
Some, though it takes fucking YEARS to find them, are just OK with hanging out with you. This, is a W, and you have to enjoy it. I suspect it'll be another whole lotta nothing, but you never know, lol.
We grabbed coffee yesterday, we worked on our laptops together, we made out and she dipped. When we were texing, she blabbed a bunch about how her and her friend let guys take them out, all the time. We texted a little, and she told me she was on her period and having a pad crisis (lol, ok), and how some dudes offered her and her friend a VIP table so she’s heading out. I was nonchalant and didn’t care. Me and Paw smoked a few joints and talked until about 1am.
When I saw her DMs in the coffee shop, it was nuts man. She had over 3,000 DMs. She is a pretty chick, sure. The life of a hot 19 year old. You can’t really care about these things. You just let go.
She is clear about having done lots of casual hookups, but now, she feels like she needs something serious.
Typical female bullshit, and what happens when they see you as a provider ass bitch.
There is no reason to get one’s hopes up. It usually doesn’t work out. I’ll follow effective practice, and see what happens. I’m not going to waste tonnes of time, like I did with L. I’ll pitch another date, and if she isn’t willing to move forward physically, then I won’t play these games. If we’re into each other, we can have a proper dating experience and enjoy each other. If that’s not the case, bye.
I will just stick to the process.
RAIN IN MY HEART: THE ORIGINAL WOUND
There is always this void, a lack, an underlying sense that I am just not good enough, and no one will ever like me.
It may go away for a while, like it did in London, but as deep scarcity returned, it just came back.
How this feels, is this sense that is inside, of a lack of self love, a lack of ease around women, and a sense that I am just somehow inadequate. They pick up on this at their core.
If her core does not feel attraction for you – it is actually over.
That’s the problem. And where I found myself.
If you have an underlying wound, an underlying tension, and there is a disconnect from your own core, Game cannot be delivered. The nervous system, fights it. And it is expressed in sub-communications.
The problem of trying to cheat nature: You can’t. Ultimately, it will win.
RESTORING CONNECTION TO THE SELF: SETTLING, ACCEPTING, AND LETTING GO
This does not mean, Game is not the right approach.
I see no way how a male 5 is going to be able to make anything work.
The work I need to do, is inner, and on fucking restoring my sense of Self.
And if nothing else ever comes to me in my life, just loving myself, will be enough!
Thanks for reading
MAC