Will catch up. Setting aside time to update and process today.
Will reply.
Had a good chat w/ Paw. Read the mesages in my chat. Good lawd, I have some confronting things to face.
But I will do it.
Tattoo Girl: Date #3
Remember by post yesterday with the ultimatum? Either she comes to my place and hangs out, or we're done dating.
Well, we meet up, have a nice date by the river, and she actually pulls relatively easily. She says shes cold, I say we'll get my jacket, and shes cool.
We head, I say lets drink some wine, she's cool with it. The tacit assumption is that, we'll head back out, given her VN on Sunday about only meeting me in public and not doing anything physical.
We get in, we chill, go to my room, vibe.
I am physically escalating.....
Make out for ages, cuddle, and I am trying.
Each time, she objects. "I'm not trying to have sex tonight".
She brings this up, 3 times, over the course of physical escalation, kissing, and laying in bed together for about an hour.
I make an effort at asserting boundaries, about her being less guarded, and she pushes back, but I double down, and she is cool with it.
I went into this date, expecting her to hardcore resist the pull. At which point, I was going to hit her with an ultimatum, and could have shifted the dynamic.
Instead, she actually pulled fairly easily, was super physical the whole time, and we ended up laying in bed making out for a while and it felt like it was legit on a couple of times.
Due to her coming to my place, and being pretty physical with me, I just wasn't mad. This is a massive improvement from her VN on Sunday.
She then starts talking about weed, and wants to call a guy to get some.
I remember, me and Paw still have a joint. These, were SUPER weak, and we smoked 4-5 and barely felt anything last weekend. Well, I grab the one that was left, and agree to smoke HALF with the chick, so I was under the impression this would do f**k all.
Actually, this joint was a fuckin' knockout blow. We smoked just half, and she was fucking COOKED. I myself, with a very high tolerance to any drugs or alcohol, felt a little stoned for a short period. I was slightly intoxicated, for perhaps 20m, before it washing away. I don't really bother with any of these substances, I have done so much health and wellness work and cleaned myself out, that they don't even work on me man. Lol.
Now, when I see how stoned she got, it's game over man.
Remember, the risk management approach here was: HALF of a joint I thought would be comedically weak. I didn't expect this to hit so hard.
She was fucking barbecued.
We just lay there and chat. The first question she has, is: "Do you identify as a fuckboy?" - LOL
I say I don't, and change the subject.
I am laying there with her for quite a while, thinking, dude, what the actual fuck. I am really experiencing a lot of fear and I am on red alert.
I do not want her to feel uncomfortable in any way, or for her to feel as if her boundaries are crossed. I am just plain scared.
Also, slightly mad at myself. How did this happen? I had ONE glass of wine. That was it. I persisted and tried to get the W, for fucking hours, and I felt like I could almost make it happen. She kept hitting me with the same objection and then really did clam TF UP and make me feel uncomfortable so I just stopped.
I DID try. At one point. all my clothes were off, and I was just in boxers. She was not OK with that. So, clothes had to come back on.....
At this point, all my attraction for her and interest in her, dried TF up. I am no longer interested in this person. Ashes & dust.
When she was at a safe level to leave, after some pushing from me, she let me walk her home. She wanted to go walk home alone wtf. It's less than a 10m walk but still. She agrees to let me walk her half way. She also takes my jacket as she's cold.
So, we get half way, kiss, and we agree to hang out again. In my mind, I am still on damage limitation and so stressed about this date, and really want to make sure she feels comfortable and I have respected her boundaries. What made me so fearful, was her intoxication. Again, how TF does someone get like that off a few hits of weak ass weed. Shocking. My own fault.
With this date, I suspected she wasn't going to fuck, but I was mostly trying to pull. She actually pulled, and that's a great step. Anything beyond, she was not game for.
As it stands, I just want my jacket back.
I feel different about her now. I have lost interest and attraction. I will get my jacket back on Sat, maybe have a coffee at my local place, see if I can somehow get laid, and if not, man, I am going to give her an ultimatum: I am interested in something physical, as well as emotional, so if you're not looking for that, we can end this here.
I would rather she decline, and move on.
Flags:
-40m into the first date she was SUPER CLEAR, she doesn't want casual anymore, and wants something serious
-She has persistently highlighted how she wants to wait a long time and build trust. A very retarded approach. For myself, as a man, I am now turned off entirely and lost interest. It takes more than this to keep a man interested......
-My own insecurity and neediness: They feel this at some level inside. It's how you lose frame and fall into their games.
Persistently falling into this situation, is not good.
L, was the first one who showed me what happens when you play the long game with a girl. It's going to hurt you. Now, with Tattoo Girl, same pattern playing out. I enjoy walking around with this pretty little thing on my arm, feels good. But, if we're not exploring sex, then just fuck off. I don't accept a shit and boring life. I will become better and stop these situations from happening to me.
You could make the argument, that given she completely cucked me on the first date and was SUPER clear about wanting a serious relationship, I could have been honest and ethical, and just stopped there.
But, so many women say this......And you can still date, explore sex, and enjoy life together. Paw said most chicks he slept with and who became his FWBs said this.
Women have their own mating strategy. They smell the bitch on you, you will get cucked.
As with L, the feeling of a woman rejecting your advances, unbeknownst to them, does not make you respect them more, see them more seriously, value sex with her more, or make it more meaningful. It actually viscerally, palpably, at your core, takes any attraction that was here, and kills it. Dead.
With Tattoo Girl, I just want my jacket back. And then, I will make the necessary adjustments. And think about how this one, went so wrong.
There will be learnings. And, as I am continuing to just get burned, there will be deeper changes I need to address.
Why is it that I end up meeting so many women who just do not want to have sex with me? Who just see me as a source of attention or validation? I am tired of this. Truly. 10+ months of this. 15-20 dates like this.
Whilst I am not psychologically defeated, nor am I feeling negative, I just question why this happens so often to me.
The good news is, unlike L, whom I was in love with, I am absolutely NOT in love with this person. I was feeling her a lot, but then, as she has continued to cuck the ever living hell out of me, I am simply over it and ready to grow and be better.
The road, and the blows your psyche is dealt, does lead to your getting harder inside. Progress is being made.
Even having a pretty girl, laying next to me making out and fooling around all night, is progress.
But, I need to turn this around. And the neediness and insecurity, that leads to me falling into this trap, needs to just die.
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Life is in a pretty chaotic patch.
Too much to process. I can't take it all in right now.
I will do a few work blocks. 3 x 90m of solid work. 2 x client calls.
And I will approach.
I am going to fast today, and possibly tomorrow, to heal myself more.
On SUNDAY, I will take photos!
There is a future version of me, who has SOLID BOUNDARIES.
We talk about waiting for the 2nd or 3rd date, but look what happens in practice. These girls, both times this happened, actually start stringing you along and are adept at this also. They have game also. Tattoo Girl, asked me if I am a fuckboy, and she said, a lot of what I observe in you, are moves, and these moves, feel really well practised. I know, because I've fallen for these moves many times.....
It's not good that she feels like that, good game shouldn't be felt.
Truthbomb on the situation: I am really over her, I just want my jacket. My own thinking is, invite her for a coffee at my local place, get my jacket, bring her back to mine (2m walk), see if we can get further. If not, just let her know, I am not just looking for companionship, I am also looking for someone to explore intimacy with. So, if you're too guarded to be present and intimate with me, now I have myself been so vulnerable and open with you, we're too different to make this work, and we should not waste each others time......
She may object, and talk about how it takes her a long time to get to know someone, the same shit I've heard a few times now. At which point, I will push back hardcore, and make clear. Look: I respect myself, and my time, and I feel used for attention and validation. You're playing games with me, and you can now get up, leave, and play them elsewhere.
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It has to be used as fuel.
You either allow life to make you bitter and cynical.
Or, you use it as fuel to become something greater than you are.
What drives me:
I think about the injustice and unfairness that is in this world. People are born to abusive parents who fucking destroy them. People are born in crippling poverty and live a precarious life, mired in lack. I have seen this in 1st world countries, Britain. I have seen people get so fucked over, and wind up suicidal. I think about people like David Goggins and what that man endured. There are fucking demons in this world. God did not create all these people. Some people are just fucking evil.
If you become something in this world, esp. from humble beginnings, that is one of the most powerful things you can ever do.
You actually are part of the solution.
You strengthen these people who need it.
They can see your case study, your transformation, and see how through HARD FUCKING WORK, DEDICATION, SACRIFICE, and CONSISTENCY, you found a way to go from a fucked up situation to finding success.
All problems in life can either be solved or managed.
But, it does take warrior spirit.
I'm not hurt by my 10 month patch of scarcity. I am learning lessons from it.
And, most importantly............
I am not in the dungeon of life. You know when I am in the dungeon. I am not there. I got out of it about 2 weeks ago.
When I am not in the dungeon, all this shit just fuels the fire that is inside.
And if you have read this log, you will know that this fire will be burning an awfully, awfully long time...................
Motivated as fuck, rip shit pissed off, and ready to do the work that will enable me to become BETTER.
_____________________________________________________
MAC