Self Improver
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
GREAT
-
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colgate - FINALLY!!! i get my first daygame lay!!! after 3 years!!!
- Thread starter colgate / bulldog
- Start date
pancakemouse
Member
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2021
- Goal
- Master daygame
- Age
- 34
The fact that you're learning all this so young (!) is GREAT.
I didn't learn this lesson until I was around 30. Oddly, I learned it from my best friend's girlfriend, who spelled it out for me very directly: "Women don't want a solution, they just want you to listen to them!"
I had been spending my whole life trying to solve women's problems.
Now, when a woman is explaining a problem, I tend to ask her what she's looking for: "What would be most helpful from me? To listen, support, or give you advice?"
I didn't learn this lesson until I was around 30. Oddly, I learned it from my best friend's girlfriend, who spelled it out for me very directly: "Women don't want a solution, they just want you to listen to them!"
I had been spending my whole life trying to solve women's problems.
Now, when a woman is explaining a problem, I tend to ask her what she's looking for: "What would be most helpful from me? To listen, support, or give you advice?"
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
thanks for the support guys!
the thing is these two things aren't mutually exclusive though. both "she does whatever the fuck i tell her" and "loving and caring about her" would pretty much completely sum up this relationship
if i tell her to go clean the kitchen or do the laundry, she does it. on the other hand, if she has a complaint about not wanting to do x, i don't force her to do it. we'll talk about it and sometimes she ends up doing it, sometimes it's better that i do it, sometimes no one has to do it, sometimes we do something else.
i think it's the balance of "i have all the power in your world" combined with "i'm using my power to take care of you, not because i get some ego rush from ordering you around" (although not gonna lie, i do get the ego rush too lol)
maybe that's why she started calling me daddy. because that kind of is literally what a dad does lol. and it wasn't something she did initially either so i can only chalk it up to how our life together is at home.
jakeD said:
the thing is these two things aren't mutually exclusive though. both "she does whatever the fuck i tell her" and "loving and caring about her" would pretty much completely sum up this relationship
if i tell her to go clean the kitchen or do the laundry, she does it. on the other hand, if she has a complaint about not wanting to do x, i don't force her to do it. we'll talk about it and sometimes she ends up doing it, sometimes it's better that i do it, sometimes no one has to do it, sometimes we do something else.
i think it's the balance of "i have all the power in your world" combined with "i'm using my power to take care of you, not because i get some ego rush from ordering you around" (although not gonna lie, i do get the ego rush too lol)
maybe that's why she started calling me daddy. because that kind of is literally what a dad does lol. and it wasn't something she did initially either so i can only chalk it up to how our life together is at home.
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
just got done taking the japanese language proficiency test at the N1 level, which is the highest level. i've never taken this test at any level before and i honestly wanted to take N2 which i could probably comfortably pass without studying (based on some language school mock exams), but my gf peer pressured me into aiming for N1 and i only did it on the terms that she does it too (her japanese is way better than mine btw).
i think i passed but probably barely. if i failed it's probably also barely. results come out in early february. and even tho it's kind of "idolized" in western japanese learning internet communities, it really is not a huge deal wrt japanese ability. this is a test that the average japanese person would pass with flying colors and in half the time (i managed to finish just in time through clever pacing and knowing the test format from cramming over the past 1-2 months, after always running out of time previously on mock exams). and even if i pass, i want to retake it again in july just to get a higher score to quench my own ego.
not that this test is a real indicator of "fluency". it's just a multiple choice test consisting of a bunch of random vocab and grammar points, and then some reading comprehension questions based on random articles. then a listening comprehension section with extremely clear but unrealistic japanese (real japanese is much more slurred and dynamic).
i took it because passing N1 level gives me 15/80 of the required "points" to eventually get permanent residence in japan. N2 would give 10 points (you can't take both and then get 25 points, you max out at 15 for this), but i decided to FUCK IT TAKE THE PLUNGE and try to push myself to the limit.
bro what are you doing lmao i dont know any chinese and i banged a bunch of girls in the philippines
which brings me to my next point. since around the time i joined the forums, up until earlier this year, my number one priority was getting laid. even though i struggled and flipped and flopped, maybe did things incorrectly, etc, that was my goal.
the reason it was my goal was because i felt incomplete without it. i couldn't pursue other things. in early 2021 before i joined, i was trying to improve my musical chops and learn some instruments after just making computer music for years. but i would be trying to practice e.g. some guitar line when a voice in my head was berating me about how i had literally never seen titties in my life, how i was living in this huge mountain mansion with fake plants, king size bed, and a vintage electric piano but no girls to show it off to. which is what eventually led me to KYIL
kind of in the same way, and probably because i moved to japan with the intention of living here permanently, now the nagging voice is not "u can't bang girls" but "u can't speak japanese". by that i mean well i can avoid english and converse with japanese people, and read old man oji-san essays about the declining japanese society or whatever.
but compared to english, there's a literal language barrier that impacts my overall vibe. in america if i had a vibe issue or whatever, it was just "ok focus on the vibe problem". in japanese, it's "i have to make sure i'm actually understanding the other person correctly, and then i have to speak without tripping up or else it seems like i'm struggling with the language and the japanese person i am talking to goes into 'awww i need to help the poor foreigner' mode", which definitely does a number on your frame.
fortunately, i know the fix for this and i think it's a much more closed problem than dating is. just need to stuff my head with japanese street interview videos and such for months until watching them becomes enjoyable instead of me trying to look up 10 words every sentence (ok that's an exaggeration, but still). i think when i can enjoy japanese content like i do english content (which is, effortlessly to the point that i am wasting time), that's likely going to be more than enough.
so what about banging chicks colgate?
at this point in time, i don't consider myself at the point "ok i have gotten what i wanted in dating". but i did get an 18yo (now 19yo) chick who is basically my type and completely attached to me. so mentally i checked out of dating, because i went from a normal of absolutely zero sex and occasional talking to "female friends" to daily sex where 90% time i don't even try to start anything and it just happens.
on the other hand, it's not that fun. like sex is just like eating candy now. it's like cool this tastes good i like it, but nothing special. i still think about my first lay when i banged that cheerleader, and even the chubby chick after that (see the first post in my log for details). i've somehow never had that kind of insane sex with my gf. maybe those stories are the kind of thing that only happens when it's your first/early times.
or maybe it's because i had a year of pent up uhhh fuck.....割に合わない anger <--whatever that is in english (something like results not matching up to my hustle), and then FINALLY shit started happening and i just let it all out in the girls i was banging, and it was fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but now i'm in girlfriend purgatory. it's great and all and if this really was my goal from the beginning, i would be completely happy with this.
girlfriend "purgatory", because this is very much 90-95% of what an ideal relationship looks like (i think lol). at least i have no complaints about my girl. on the other hand, well, i still see these ultra stunners in the street on a daily basis and i reminisce about what it was like to hit the streets and just get blown out all the time. and that was EXACTLY the reason why when i did get a result, it was magnificent. i miss that experience, and part of me feels castrated because i don't do that anymore.
"ok so just hit the streets again", but i don't have drive to go slam the streets. literally getting free sex every day without trying is definitely a factor. and the reason that is is because she lives with me. other factors being how do i explain this to my gf and what to do with this relationship. it's very complicated lol. and as far as my gf knows, nothing is wrong and i love her.
and even if the gf thing wasn't an issue, i still have the above grievances about japanese ability BUT, i am confident that this will not be a problem by next summer. ~6 months of actually immersing myself in japanese content instead of just talking to my (not japanese) gf and school lessons is enough for me to fix my japanese vibe, i think
so what are you going to do colgate氏?
these thoughts i wrote have been with me persistently for months. but up until now i was like "ok i gotta focus on my japanese exam and getting a job so i can worry about it later".
but now the japanese exam is over. and i have a part time job starting tomorrow that could turn into a full time job + visa starting april. i also plan to look for higher-paying jobs if i pass this exam and have the certificate, but even if i don't i am pretty sure this part time job would offer me a full-time role which would only boost my japanese + resident in japan credentials.
gf is going home to china from mid-december to mid-january so i have about 4 weeks to myself. i plan on going to hell from the 21st-25th to unwind and disconnect for a bit.
also i plan on discussing this in detail with MakingAComeback in a call this week since i'm his client.
but the things i think i'll want to focus on going forward are
1. japanese, with a focus on doing deep work.
i have had a lot of insights and revelations lately about this with the help of MakingAComeback, and was able to apply it heavily in my life over the past few months. will write specifics in a future post when i have more results to share
2. getting jacked, part 2: electric boogaloo.
gf-moding took me from 72kg to 64.5kg. i didn't go to the gym between august-october, save for maybe 3 or 4 times. forget about eating too lol. getting jacked is basically a prerequisite for my life no matter how much japan loves sickly anorexic kpop makeup boys. i'm not oriental enough for that. having done accidental personal A/B testing on being jacked and not being jacked (enough), my life was veritably better being jacked. i stopped getting the random "how much u bench bro" and "omg....muscles..." reactions from people. and i used to get them just for simply existing. i need that in my life again.
been doing a mini-challenge with Mimbe393939 to see who can bench 100kgx1 first. have been hitting the gym regularly since late oct, and currently i'm at 80x5 for 3 sets (failed 82.5 on set 2 on my last workout). also bodyweight back up to ~68kg, which is the same weight i was when i first came to japan last year. i managed to get up to 72kg with roids in 3 months so this time i want to see how long it takes without roids. then we'll rethink the roids once i have the gym habit solid again.
i think i passed but probably barely. if i failed it's probably also barely. results come out in early february. and even tho it's kind of "idolized" in western japanese learning internet communities, it really is not a huge deal wrt japanese ability. this is a test that the average japanese person would pass with flying colors and in half the time (i managed to finish just in time through clever pacing and knowing the test format from cramming over the past 1-2 months, after always running out of time previously on mock exams). and even if i pass, i want to retake it again in july just to get a higher score to quench my own ego.
not that this test is a real indicator of "fluency". it's just a multiple choice test consisting of a bunch of random vocab and grammar points, and then some reading comprehension questions based on random articles. then a listening comprehension section with extremely clear but unrealistic japanese (real japanese is much more slurred and dynamic).
i took it because passing N1 level gives me 15/80 of the required "points" to eventually get permanent residence in japan. N2 would give 10 points (you can't take both and then get 25 points, you max out at 15 for this), but i decided to FUCK IT TAKE THE PLUNGE and try to push myself to the limit.
bro what are you doing lmao i dont know any chinese and i banged a bunch of girls in the philippines
which brings me to my next point. since around the time i joined the forums, up until earlier this year, my number one priority was getting laid. even though i struggled and flipped and flopped, maybe did things incorrectly, etc, that was my goal.
the reason it was my goal was because i felt incomplete without it. i couldn't pursue other things. in early 2021 before i joined, i was trying to improve my musical chops and learn some instruments after just making computer music for years. but i would be trying to practice e.g. some guitar line when a voice in my head was berating me about how i had literally never seen titties in my life, how i was living in this huge mountain mansion with fake plants, king size bed, and a vintage electric piano but no girls to show it off to. which is what eventually led me to KYIL
kind of in the same way, and probably because i moved to japan with the intention of living here permanently, now the nagging voice is not "u can't bang girls" but "u can't speak japanese". by that i mean well i can avoid english and converse with japanese people, and read old man oji-san essays about the declining japanese society or whatever.
but compared to english, there's a literal language barrier that impacts my overall vibe. in america if i had a vibe issue or whatever, it was just "ok focus on the vibe problem". in japanese, it's "i have to make sure i'm actually understanding the other person correctly, and then i have to speak without tripping up or else it seems like i'm struggling with the language and the japanese person i am talking to goes into 'awww i need to help the poor foreigner' mode", which definitely does a number on your frame.
fortunately, i know the fix for this and i think it's a much more closed problem than dating is. just need to stuff my head with japanese street interview videos and such for months until watching them becomes enjoyable instead of me trying to look up 10 words every sentence (ok that's an exaggeration, but still). i think when i can enjoy japanese content like i do english content (which is, effortlessly to the point that i am wasting time), that's likely going to be more than enough.
so what about banging chicks colgate?
at this point in time, i don't consider myself at the point "ok i have gotten what i wanted in dating". but i did get an 18yo (now 19yo) chick who is basically my type and completely attached to me. so mentally i checked out of dating, because i went from a normal of absolutely zero sex and occasional talking to "female friends" to daily sex where 90% time i don't even try to start anything and it just happens.
on the other hand, it's not that fun. like sex is just like eating candy now. it's like cool this tastes good i like it, but nothing special. i still think about my first lay when i banged that cheerleader, and even the chubby chick after that (see the first post in my log for details). i've somehow never had that kind of insane sex with my gf. maybe those stories are the kind of thing that only happens when it's your first/early times.
or maybe it's because i had a year of pent up uhhh fuck.....割に合わない anger <--whatever that is in english (something like results not matching up to my hustle), and then FINALLY shit started happening and i just let it all out in the girls i was banging, and it was fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but now i'm in girlfriend purgatory. it's great and all and if this really was my goal from the beginning, i would be completely happy with this.
girlfriend "purgatory", because this is very much 90-95% of what an ideal relationship looks like (i think lol). at least i have no complaints about my girl. on the other hand, well, i still see these ultra stunners in the street on a daily basis and i reminisce about what it was like to hit the streets and just get blown out all the time. and that was EXACTLY the reason why when i did get a result, it was magnificent. i miss that experience, and part of me feels castrated because i don't do that anymore.
"ok so just hit the streets again", but i don't have drive to go slam the streets. literally getting free sex every day without trying is definitely a factor. and the reason that is is because she lives with me. other factors being how do i explain this to my gf and what to do with this relationship. it's very complicated lol. and as far as my gf knows, nothing is wrong and i love her.
and even if the gf thing wasn't an issue, i still have the above grievances about japanese ability BUT, i am confident that this will not be a problem by next summer. ~6 months of actually immersing myself in japanese content instead of just talking to my (not japanese) gf and school lessons is enough for me to fix my japanese vibe, i think
so what are you going to do colgate氏?
these thoughts i wrote have been with me persistently for months. but up until now i was like "ok i gotta focus on my japanese exam and getting a job so i can worry about it later".
but now the japanese exam is over. and i have a part time job starting tomorrow that could turn into a full time job + visa starting april. i also plan to look for higher-paying jobs if i pass this exam and have the certificate, but even if i don't i am pretty sure this part time job would offer me a full-time role which would only boost my japanese + resident in japan credentials.
gf is going home to china from mid-december to mid-january so i have about 4 weeks to myself. i plan on going to hell from the 21st-25th to unwind and disconnect for a bit.
also i plan on discussing this in detail with MakingAComeback in a call this week since i'm his client.
but the things i think i'll want to focus on going forward are
1. japanese, with a focus on doing deep work.
i have had a lot of insights and revelations lately about this with the help of MakingAComeback, and was able to apply it heavily in my life over the past few months. will write specifics in a future post when i have more results to share
2. getting jacked, part 2: electric boogaloo.
gf-moding took me from 72kg to 64.5kg. i didn't go to the gym between august-october, save for maybe 3 or 4 times. forget about eating too lol. getting jacked is basically a prerequisite for my life no matter how much japan loves sickly anorexic kpop makeup boys. i'm not oriental enough for that. having done accidental personal A/B testing on being jacked and not being jacked (enough), my life was veritably better being jacked. i stopped getting the random "how much u bench bro" and "omg....muscles..." reactions from people. and i used to get them just for simply existing. i need that in my life again.
been doing a mini-challenge with Mimbe393939 to see who can bench 100kgx1 first. have been hitting the gym regularly since late oct, and currently i'm at 80x5 for 3 sets (failed 82.5 on set 2 on my last workout). also bodyweight back up to ~68kg, which is the same weight i was when i first came to japan last year. i managed to get up to 72kg with roids in 3 months so this time i want to see how long it takes without roids. then we'll rethink the roids once i have the gym habit solid again.
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
gf made this meme lol
me: today's my period so let's get to bed!
boyfriend: no problem we can just cuddle
me 30 mins later
me: today's my period so let's get to bed!
boyfriend: no problem we can just cuddle
me 30 mins later
Self Improver
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
THE BROWN SHOGUN
EPISODE 2 OF LEGEND'S INTERVIEW WILL HAPPEN ON THE IRONWILL PODCAST NEXT WEEK!
THE JAPAN ERA............
-Ravi
EPISODE 2 OF LEGEND'S INTERVIEW WILL HAPPEN ON THE IRONWILL PODCAST NEXT WEEK!
THE JAPAN ERA............
-Ravi
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
hi, i'm going to drop a single line of advice to myself for 2024, after reading mark manson's "the subtle art of not giving a f*ck"
you must take responsibility for everything that has happened to you, including and especially if it was not your fault
you must take responsibility for everything that has happened to you, including and especially if it was not your fault
Spider Jerusalem
Member
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2021
colgate said:
colgate
I would like to chime in and agree 100%.
Jocko Willink’s Extreme Ownership principle is critical and I’d recommend reading into that to help you with this.
I’m doing the same. In my latest post, I talk about sickness and how I was on my ass for 6 months. Easy to say ‘bruh, you get sick you get sick…’ but it was my fault:
I was neglecting my dental health which gave me a gum infection, then the antibiotics put me in hospital twice and I was bed-bound for months. I also wasn’t taking care of my immune system, which lead me to keep getting sick
and have to take time off.
Spider Jerusalem said:
Good luck in 2024
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
i will write a longer, more introspective update later
for now, here's what you need to know:
- gf has moved out of my place as of 2 weeks ago (we didn't break up)
- i failed the jlpt n1 japanese exam by SIX POINTS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- but that doesn't matter because, i have landed a job in japan, without any english at a role that supposedly required the N1, with probably a 5 year visa, and potentially could be eligible for permanent residence in 2026.
for now, here's what you need to know:
- gf has moved out of my place as of 2 weeks ago (we didn't break up)
- i failed the jlpt n1 japanese exam by SIX POINTS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- but that doesn't matter because, i have landed a job in japan, without any english at a role that supposedly required the N1, with probably a 5 year visa, and potentially could be eligible for permanent residence in 2026.
Self Improver
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
The legend continues.........
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
colgate said:
apparently i don't even need to pass this i already qualify for permanent residence in japan ahahaha
just gotta work for 1 year
COMING SOON...the renaissance...of the BROWN SHOGUN................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
just a quick note
serendipitously ran into my gf at my language school graduation ceremony. decided fuck it i'll take her to shibuya. banged in her in a love hotel. she was on her period so i got a massively satisfying creampie at the end. lol would hate to work at a love hotel.
3 years ago i didn't think i would be able to just bang a hot asian girl on demand in japan...
the only value here i can provide is that when she first moved out, i was kind of regularly texting her as if she was still living with me. when i proposed us to meet up once she was like "hmmmmmm not today.....i don't feel like it...."
decided to basically not respond to any message she sent after that. took her like 20-30 messages but eventually she was straight up like "when are you free???? i have so much to talk about!!!! please reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
probably why she instantly agreed to come with me to a love hotel when i ran into her today...
even while we were walking to the hotel though she just gave token girl excuses like "wait but i have to go to cram school in an hour and a half" "wait but i'm on my period" "wait i don't have a pen and i wanted to stop by my house to grab one". probably obvious to most of you guys but it's different when you see how hard-wired this kind of behavior is in girls firsthand lol
the game never ends...............
serendipitously ran into my gf at my language school graduation ceremony. decided fuck it i'll take her to shibuya. banged in her in a love hotel. she was on her period so i got a massively satisfying creampie at the end. lol would hate to work at a love hotel.
3 years ago i didn't think i would be able to just bang a hot asian girl on demand in japan...
the only value here i can provide is that when she first moved out, i was kind of regularly texting her as if she was still living with me. when i proposed us to meet up once she was like "hmmmmmm not today.....i don't feel like it...."
decided to basically not respond to any message she sent after that. took her like 20-30 messages but eventually she was straight up like "when are you free???? i have so much to talk about!!!! please reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
probably why she instantly agreed to come with me to a love hotel when i ran into her today...
even while we were walking to the hotel though she just gave token girl excuses like "wait but i have to go to cram school in an hour and a half" "wait but i'm on my period" "wait i don't have a pen and i wanted to stop by my house to grab one". probably obvious to most of you guys but it's different when you see how hard-wired this kind of behavior is in girls firsthand lol
the game never ends...............
Self Improver
Self-Improvement Advocate
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
- Goal
- Inner Game
- Age
- 33
- Location
- UK
It never ends, man.
They're a pain in the ass. And they can also be pretty cool.
Mission, purpose, and thrving in life is the focus. Women come and go.
-R
They're a pain in the ass. And they can also be pretty cool.
Mission, purpose, and thrving in life is the focus. Women come and go.
-R
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
this isn't the type of post i want to make here, but i think i have to come clean. at least maybe people who have been in this life position would be able to provide some insights instead of me just holding onto this.
so i'm confirmed living in japan for the next 5 years, and i can apply for permanent residence next year. also went to an event my next job hosted and i think i am really going to like working there a lot.
not to mention i have my 19yo gf who is addicted to me (in a healthy amount now though!)
and my main group of friends (at least online) are all fucking ballers. and i get to meet up with them and we legit have fun and crazy experiences.
basically i have achieved a life beyond my teenage dreams. living in my dream country, having awesome friends (mostly from KYIL lol), and even a hot gf to boot.
that being said, i still have "other things" i want to do. and i'm obviously not up there as a top-tier guy (yet!!) i want to actually get good at daygame and pickup. i want to actually get way better at japanese. i want to become way more masculine. i want to just naturally be social and wanting to go out and talk to people instead of being at home all day.
but i feel...strangely...complete. part of it is i'll try to put some effort into one of the above and feel extreme resistance. and i don't have that FUCK I'M A VIRGIN TIME TO HUSTLE drive that i did in 2021-2022. every primary source of dissatisfaction has been gone in my life. i literally have nothing to complain about, and lots of dudes would probably be begging to be in my position.
i suppose if i really felt that i was "done" and i wanted to move on with my life i wouldn't be posting this here.
let's just say i feel like i'm in "life purgatory" lol
i'm at a point in my life where i genuinely do NOT feel like a loser at all. if anything i feel like i'm on the baller end of the spectrum now. and i suppose not feeling like an abject loser was really my underlying purpose up until now. that's why i joined KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your inner loser. i killed my inner loser and then the site changed to "winner within".
i suppose this is the stage where i have to find my winner within then? but i definitely don't feel this insane urge to go and take action of any sort. i have nothing to complain about. in 2021 i joined here because i literally felt retarded for not having had any sex in my whole life despite being 25 years old.
maybe the only thing that will bring me out of complacency is some good ol' wall staring and pulling away for deep introspection again.
i'll say that i am definitely NOT living my ideal life though. i spend most of my time at home on the computer. even if it's being productive working on a side project, it still puts me in this weird antisocial and siloed world of the computer. i feel too satiated by it and my brain's decision paths feel too governed by "always knowing all of the information in advance, being able to have access to any information i want, being able to see how people are doing in an instant". feels very unnatural.
i could sit here and expound upon my supposed ideal life. but part of me feels like i just made it up for the sake of conversation. perhaps it's not what i really want in life. and sometimes i'll feel guilty for not being hungry and wanting to chase certain things.
maybe the only thing i can do in this position is what any sane person would do. actually sit down and enjoy life. maybe it's fine to have a brief period of feeling mentally free from having a purpose. and let the purpose come to me. maybe i really need more of an exploratory period. and i have to tell myself it's okay to not have a thing i'm "grinding" for a while.
on the other hand another part of me is telling me my brain rewired itself to become complacent because it's too scared to take the next step. to embark upon the next evolution. that what i have now is "great" by all means and i should just be happy about it. i already "paid my dues", why do i need more?
the brain is craaaaazy
so i'm confirmed living in japan for the next 5 years, and i can apply for permanent residence next year. also went to an event my next job hosted and i think i am really going to like working there a lot.
not to mention i have my 19yo gf who is addicted to me (in a healthy amount now though!)
and my main group of friends (at least online) are all fucking ballers. and i get to meet up with them and we legit have fun and crazy experiences.
basically i have achieved a life beyond my teenage dreams. living in my dream country, having awesome friends (mostly from KYIL lol), and even a hot gf to boot.
that being said, i still have "other things" i want to do. and i'm obviously not up there as a top-tier guy (yet!!) i want to actually get good at daygame and pickup. i want to actually get way better at japanese. i want to become way more masculine. i want to just naturally be social and wanting to go out and talk to people instead of being at home all day.
but i feel...strangely...complete. part of it is i'll try to put some effort into one of the above and feel extreme resistance. and i don't have that FUCK I'M A VIRGIN TIME TO HUSTLE drive that i did in 2021-2022. every primary source of dissatisfaction has been gone in my life. i literally have nothing to complain about, and lots of dudes would probably be begging to be in my position.
i suppose if i really felt that i was "done" and i wanted to move on with my life i wouldn't be posting this here.
let's just say i feel like i'm in "life purgatory" lol
i'm at a point in my life where i genuinely do NOT feel like a loser at all. if anything i feel like i'm on the baller end of the spectrum now. and i suppose not feeling like an abject loser was really my underlying purpose up until now. that's why i joined KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your inner loser. i killed my inner loser and then the site changed to "winner within".
i suppose this is the stage where i have to find my winner within then? but i definitely don't feel this insane urge to go and take action of any sort. i have nothing to complain about. in 2021 i joined here because i literally felt retarded for not having had any sex in my whole life despite being 25 years old.
maybe the only thing that will bring me out of complacency is some good ol' wall staring and pulling away for deep introspection again.
i'll say that i am definitely NOT living my ideal life though. i spend most of my time at home on the computer. even if it's being productive working on a side project, it still puts me in this weird antisocial and siloed world of the computer. i feel too satiated by it and my brain's decision paths feel too governed by "always knowing all of the information in advance, being able to have access to any information i want, being able to see how people are doing in an instant". feels very unnatural.
i could sit here and expound upon my supposed ideal life. but part of me feels like i just made it up for the sake of conversation. perhaps it's not what i really want in life. and sometimes i'll feel guilty for not being hungry and wanting to chase certain things.
maybe the only thing i can do in this position is what any sane person would do. actually sit down and enjoy life. maybe it's fine to have a brief period of feeling mentally free from having a purpose. and let the purpose come to me. maybe i really need more of an exploratory period. and i have to tell myself it's okay to not have a thing i'm "grinding" for a while.
on the other hand another part of me is telling me my brain rewired itself to become complacent because it's too scared to take the next step. to embark upon the next evolution. that what i have now is "great" by all means and i should just be happy about it. i already "paid my dues", why do i need more?
the brain is craaaaazy
Zug
Member
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2021
IMO, its not about 'needing' more. If you frame it that way, obviously it rings hollow, hence why you don't care.
There's a couple of negative reasons that are real:
1. You drove yourself out of complacency and achieved these things because of the NEED. Not because you're just a disciplined person.
2. You didn't actually achieve a type of existence that self-perpetuates yet. You don't have the discipline yet to maintain your gains without an outside carrot. At least not indefinitely. That's why you feel like something is wrong. You know that if you aren't oriented properly you're going to sink back to the level of your core, which isn't sufficient.
I see a few paths out:
1. You are some guy who just lives for challenges. You don't like being at the top of a mountain, you just like climbing mountains. - I wish I was this guy, and I'm getting closer, but I'm not this guy yet. Becoming this guy is a lifelong process.
2. You have some near immediate future goal that requires to be at a higher level. I want to be a father, and the only way to be a good one is to MODEL the correct behaviors. Which means I can't tell me kids what to do or how to be, I actually have to be that guy and they then absorb it from being around me and observing. - This one rings true to me, and I realize I have a lot further to go because of it. This lead me into the final one
3. You need to re-arrange your life from being goal-oriented to process-oriented. You don't do pickup or go to the gym to get girls anymore. You do it because its part of your routine to live your best life. You set up your list of daily/weekly habits you know you need to do in order to live a good life. Then you focus on knocking these out every single day, regardless of how you feel. You're trying to build the muscle that allows you to maintain your lifestyle forever, and allows you to achieve any goal you have in the future. You get off on knocking out your to-do list, not from making $xxx or a new conquest.
You also need to deep dive into your reasons for being. This is a lifelong philosophical pursuit. What is actually good, why is it good, how can I become more in accordance with what it is good. It's fine and dandy to focus on the painfully immediate needs (being a loser). However, once those are knocked out, you need to start digging into the nature of what made being a loser awful, and what makes not being one great. What are the principles and ideals that lead to those states of being? This is real work. You don't get answers to these questions 'just waiting around'.
Its 100% fine to not know where you are going or why, its 100% not fine to not look into finding out. The problem with 'giving yourself a break' or 'taking it easy for a while' is that it always leads to the same thing - mindless hedonism. Hedonism overindulged always leads to misery. You're going to overindulge over time for the sole reason you don't have sufficient reason not to. The reasons to indulge in pleasure seeking are obvious, the reasons to go the gym and work hard are less so. The only way to address it is seeking them out.
You need a damn strong reason to get up early to go the gym and say no to cake, drugs, and porn.
Imagine a future where you don't do this, and 5-7 years from now you end up exactly where you started in the first place, and not only that, you realize its entirely your fault.
Finally, I'd put forth another reason. What the fuck was the point of getting your life together and pulling yourself out of despair? Is the end goal just to just more optimally pursue hedonism? I didn't do all this shit just for me. I did it so I could spread this success outward to those around me. First to my immediate friends and family, and then to my local community and beyond.
Society is crumbling because all the people capable of fixing it are choosing not to. This site exists because Andy turned around and tried to show his path to other people. Sure, he had other personal goals too, but it would have been easier to not do this and just find some other job. I suspect he realized all the work he did was wasted if he wasn't able to share it with others like him.
There's a couple of negative reasons that are real:
1. You drove yourself out of complacency and achieved these things because of the NEED. Not because you're just a disciplined person.
2. You didn't actually achieve a type of existence that self-perpetuates yet. You don't have the discipline yet to maintain your gains without an outside carrot. At least not indefinitely. That's why you feel like something is wrong. You know that if you aren't oriented properly you're going to sink back to the level of your core, which isn't sufficient.
I see a few paths out:
1. You are some guy who just lives for challenges. You don't like being at the top of a mountain, you just like climbing mountains. - I wish I was this guy, and I'm getting closer, but I'm not this guy yet. Becoming this guy is a lifelong process.
2. You have some near immediate future goal that requires to be at a higher level. I want to be a father, and the only way to be a good one is to MODEL the correct behaviors. Which means I can't tell me kids what to do or how to be, I actually have to be that guy and they then absorb it from being around me and observing. - This one rings true to me, and I realize I have a lot further to go because of it. This lead me into the final one
3. You need to re-arrange your life from being goal-oriented to process-oriented. You don't do pickup or go to the gym to get girls anymore. You do it because its part of your routine to live your best life. You set up your list of daily/weekly habits you know you need to do in order to live a good life. Then you focus on knocking these out every single day, regardless of how you feel. You're trying to build the muscle that allows you to maintain your lifestyle forever, and allows you to achieve any goal you have in the future. You get off on knocking out your to-do list, not from making $xxx or a new conquest.
You also need to deep dive into your reasons for being. This is a lifelong philosophical pursuit. What is actually good, why is it good, how can I become more in accordance with what it is good. It's fine and dandy to focus on the painfully immediate needs (being a loser). However, once those are knocked out, you need to start digging into the nature of what made being a loser awful, and what makes not being one great. What are the principles and ideals that lead to those states of being? This is real work. You don't get answers to these questions 'just waiting around'.
Its 100% fine to not know where you are going or why, its 100% not fine to not look into finding out. The problem with 'giving yourself a break' or 'taking it easy for a while' is that it always leads to the same thing - mindless hedonism. Hedonism overindulged always leads to misery. You're going to overindulge over time for the sole reason you don't have sufficient reason not to. The reasons to indulge in pleasure seeking are obvious, the reasons to go the gym and work hard are less so. The only way to address it is seeking them out.
You need a damn strong reason to get up early to go the gym and say no to cake, drugs, and porn.
Imagine a future where you don't do this, and 5-7 years from now you end up exactly where you started in the first place, and not only that, you realize its entirely your fault.
Finally, I'd put forth another reason. What the fuck was the point of getting your life together and pulling yourself out of despair? Is the end goal just to just more optimally pursue hedonism? I didn't do all this shit just for me. I did it so I could spread this success outward to those around me. First to my immediate friends and family, and then to my local community and beyond.
Society is crumbling because all the people capable of fixing it are choosing not to. This site exists because Andy turned around and tried to show his path to other people. Sure, he had other personal goals too, but it would have been easier to not do this and just find some other job. I suspect he realized all the work he did was wasted if he wasn't able to share it with others like him.
lacroix
Member
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2020
You're gonna start your new job soon so it makes sense that your social/pickup goals are kind of on hold. For a while pickup was your obsession, then enjoying and figuring stuff out about having your awesome gf. then you were super focused on experiencing that life while learning japanese. Now you're mentally preparing to dive into your new job which I know you mentioned you're excited about. Eventually you'll settle into the job and you'll probably want to pick something else to focus on, which may very well end up being social stuff again.
Now if you stagnate for years and years on end that's a problem. But if you're genuinely happy with where you are and about diving into the next phase of your life, there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and doing that. I think your energies will naturally shift as you conquer more and more things.
Or screw it go crazy with pickup and start banging cheerleaders again
Now if you stagnate for years and years on end that's a problem. But if you're genuinely happy with where you are and about diving into the next phase of your life, there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and doing that. I think your energies will naturally shift as you conquer more and more things.
Or screw it go crazy with pickup and start banging cheerleaders again
colgate / bulldog
Member
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2021
- Goal
- BANG!! japanese chicks!
- Age
- 27
- Motto
- consistency. acceptance. tumescence.
- Location
- tokyo, japan
thanks for the responses guys!
Zug i was honestly hoping you would have a word on my post. underrated and I don't know why my OP has more thanks than your post lol
my brain is honestly deluding me into feeling accomplished so i don't have to evolve. because evolving is scary and means you have to suck.
easier to embrace the suck when all you know is sucking. but what if you don't suck anymore? now you need to you have to get off your high horse and let it stampede all over your ego. and start sucking again. then maybe, just maybe, the equine gods will reward you with the enriching experiences you desire when you least expect it
honestly up until now i was playing not to lose. and now i have definitely Not Lost. i don't think i've ever wanted to chase being a winner. but maybe that's why the name of the site changed. winner within isn't the message i wanted to hear but perhaps needed to hear. because playing not to lose isn't the path to a fulfilling life, it's the path to the purgatory i put myself into. hey but at least it's not hell! pfft...
perhaps no longer should i be living for myself, but rather for discovering how i can provide value to people. i mean if i'm so much of a not-loser normie now, then i should be putting the yen where my mouth is right.
one thing is for certain. i fucking HATE!!!!!1!!111 that my default hobby and vice is endless internet browsing. adds no value to myself nor others, yet i succumb to it time and time again. only when i have a clear vision and purpose do i find myself free from its chains.
my default hobby will be TALKING TO HOT CHICKS!!! because that's what i want to do. when i am talking to hot chicks i feel maximally aligned with my values. my values are finding enriching life experiences, sharing them with the world, and showing the light on how others can too. the fact that it's painful now will only pay off a sweeter reward in the end. i have firsthand experience of that, anyone can read my log for proof.
speaking of talking to hot chicks...
i met up with a guy from the approach group Toast is in. gonna call that the gaijin approach group.
dude felt like me from 2021 tbh. he was just pinballing the station for real. he got some contacts too. he was like "yeah i suck but how else am i supposed to get better" i reminisced on the approach sessions i had with lacroix in austin back in november 2021. felt like i swapped places with him, as someone who now has Gotten The Sex a couple of times.
i myself did 10 approaches and got a little bit of a convo with a chick.
what was stopping me from doing more and sticking into sets was that "i forgot how to convo"
common tactics such as "treat her like your gf" and "monologue like a guy in her world" are easier said than done. would be great if i already had "the OK" to just act exactly how i want to, and have plenty of random and stimulating topics that'll open her up.
except i don't need her OK. and i already have topics, I'm just too scared to dive in so i get amnesia on the approach about who i even am.
advice from the gaijin approach group was that i need to go through a phase of finding out what these jappo chicks are about firsthand. of course i can watch trending YouTube videos and follow social media or whatever but the best way is to dig deep firsthand. incorrectly cold read, genuinely ask why she made the fashion choices she did, dig down into what she does in her free time.
i gotta be dora the explorer on these chicks. except the japanese version. i'm already brown enough to do it lol
TIME TO EVOLVE BITCHES!!!
Zug i was honestly hoping you would have a word on my post. underrated and I don't know why my OP has more thanks than your post lol
this feels like my duty in life. i'm going to end up exactly what brought me to feel like a loser in the first place if i do my version of hedonism for a prolonged period of time again. and my version is just endlessly browsing the internet. not even porn or social media, just random websites and blogs.Zug said:
my brain is honestly deluding me into feeling accomplished so i don't have to evolve. because evolving is scary and means you have to suck.
easier to embrace the suck when all you know is sucking. but what if you don't suck anymore? now you need to you have to get off your high horse and let it stampede all over your ego. and start sucking again. then maybe, just maybe, the equine gods will reward you with the enriching experiences you desire when you least expect it
honestly up until now i was playing not to lose. and now i have definitely Not Lost. i don't think i've ever wanted to chase being a winner. but maybe that's why the name of the site changed. winner within isn't the message i wanted to hear but perhaps needed to hear. because playing not to lose isn't the path to a fulfilling life, it's the path to the purgatory i put myself into. hey but at least it's not hell! pfft...
perhaps no longer should i be living for myself, but rather for discovering how i can provide value to people. i mean if i'm so much of a not-loser normie now, then i should be putting the yen where my mouth is right.
one thing is for certain. i fucking HATE!!!!!1!!111 that my default hobby and vice is endless internet browsing. adds no value to myself nor others, yet i succumb to it time and time again. only when i have a clear vision and purpose do i find myself free from its chains.
my default hobby will be TALKING TO HOT CHICKS!!! because that's what i want to do. when i am talking to hot chicks i feel maximally aligned with my values. my values are finding enriching life experiences, sharing them with the world, and showing the light on how others can too. the fact that it's painful now will only pay off a sweeter reward in the end. i have firsthand experience of that, anyone can read my log for proof.
speaking of talking to hot chicks...
i met up with a guy from the approach group Toast is in. gonna call that the gaijin approach group.
dude felt like me from 2021 tbh. he was just pinballing the station for real. he got some contacts too. he was like "yeah i suck but how else am i supposed to get better" i reminisced on the approach sessions i had with lacroix in austin back in november 2021. felt like i swapped places with him, as someone who now has Gotten The Sex a couple of times.
i myself did 10 approaches and got a little bit of a convo with a chick.
what was stopping me from doing more and sticking into sets was that "i forgot how to convo"
common tactics such as "treat her like your gf" and "monologue like a guy in her world" are easier said than done. would be great if i already had "the OK" to just act exactly how i want to, and have plenty of random and stimulating topics that'll open her up.
except i don't need her OK. and i already have topics, I'm just too scared to dive in so i get amnesia on the approach about who i even am.
advice from the gaijin approach group was that i need to go through a phase of finding out what these jappo chicks are about firsthand. of course i can watch trending YouTube videos and follow social media or whatever but the best way is to dig deep firsthand. incorrectly cold read, genuinely ask why she made the fashion choices she did, dig down into what she does in her free time.
i gotta be dora the explorer on these chicks. except the japanese version. i'm already brown enough to do it lol
TIME TO EVOLVE BITCHES!!!
lacroix
Member
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2020
Yup. And now that you have had the experience of having an attractive gf, you have the (1) confidence and (2) experience with women to make progress and realizations you couldn't have back in 2021. Keep working hard but know that you are now in a much more prepared place than you were several years agocolgate said: