i'm learning surprisingly a lot since being with my gf (well, it probably isn't actually surprising, given that i was a hyper virgin 2 years ago lol).
i feel like there's value in sharing some of the bf-gf type experiences in this log, because i think it really has improved a lot of my interpersonal communication and empathy, areas i previously lamented being deficient in. additionally, there isn't that much of this kind of stuff on this site or in male self-improvement spaces in general.
and while i initially harbored feelings of regret and "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome a few months ago, i think i'm coming around on it and recognizing the value of this relationship. and i think it's a better direction to pursue (because it actually allows me to hustle more in whatever i'm working on too).
not that i plan on sticking with this girl for the rest of my life, but i think journaling some of my experiences here will help me navigate this better.
OMG BUT COLGATE!!! U SAID THAT THE DEATH OF THE MALE IS THE GF!!!!!!!!! LOOKS LIKE U DIED BRO LOL!!!!!!! RIP IN PIECE CUE COFFIN DANCE MUSIC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTkLLQjgoEU
ok but i LITERALLY said that when i was a virgin...........................................
and my gf basically likes me more and more as time progresses, so i must be doing something right lol. lately every time i come home or join her in bed or whatever she has a huge smile on her face.
and she even started calling me daddy and "old man" out of nowhere. like i totally skipped the "onii-chan" phase and went straight to "chichi" lol. i didn't even ask her to nor did i even think i'd be into it but i love it. yo girl gotta see you as daddy lmao
slightly regret not thinking of doing this sooner as there'd be more of a "timeline", but hey i can start now lol
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my gf is actually pretty smart, definitely smarter than i am.
OMG SIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIRLZ ARE ALL DUMB HOE SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok yes girls are dumb in the girl way. girls make girl excuses not to come out on dates, put up last minute resistance, ghost you, blah blah blah, yes i agree. even my girl was
dumb, as i mentioned in the lay report
but there are still girls who are "intellectually" bright. like my gf is really good at solving those bizarre lateral thinking problems such as "imagine everyone on an island with blue eyes is getting kicked out but no one knows their own eye color, figure out on what day all the blue eyed people will leave the island blah blah" (ok you can go look up the real problem description yourself). i can do these kinds of problems but it takes me a lot of time and i need a lot of paper and sometimes i can't even do them and give up lol.
i mention this because as some of you...uh...what's the opposite of brainlets? well anyway some of you IQ 420 dudes probably have also seen your own "intelligence" as a curse. you're sometimes like "fuck i wish i was like that retard jacked dude with 281 tattoos who doesn't give a fuck and grinds on every girl at the club. then my sex life would be solved".
turns out "smart girls" go through the same thing.
there were a few days recently where my girl was literally paralyzed to the bed, unable to do anything because she was thinking about "what is the meaning of my life". she tried calling some of her chinese friends and they basically all just worried together too.
bitch the meaning of yo life is to get back into the kitchen and make me a riceball
i just got home from studying for my japanese exam and had some more studying to do. and when i saw her like this, i was initially like "ugh, this is so annoying i have work to do"
but i couldn't just leave her like that. so it was time to have a talk with daddy (lol)
i won't be talking about "how i solved her problem", but rather "how to connect with someone and allow them to open up to you"...uh "authentic relating" tutorial? lol idk.
anyway, i let her basically brain dump for a while.
in the past, i usually would be in "ok, lets fucking solve this bitch's problem" mode. i am the type of person who basically vents hoping someone can tell me a solution, and i thought everyone was that way (turns out that is NOT the case). i have lost a lot of friends this way, jumping onto "you should do x y z then" and my message falls on deaf ears. granted, there were probably many situations where i didn't even allow the other person to give me enough info to let me accurately come up with a better fitting solution. let alone assuming the fact that i am even qualified to give good advice (omg i have the best dating advice even though i have never dated anyone. all my friends come to me for advice)
well first of all, most people don't want advice. unless they specifically say "can you tell me how to fix this", just because they're venting to you, that doesn't mean they came to you for advice. most people want someone to vent to. that's it.
it was kind of something of an urge to fight to be like "well you should be like x y z". this has never worked for me nor the other person.
instead, i let her talk as much as she wanted, and i just kept it in mind and made a mental bullet list. bonus if you're interacting with a chick in not your native language. in my case, this had the added benefit of improving my japanese listening comprehension.
after she had a spurt of brain dump, i basically just recited my mental bullet list of what she said, with absolutely zero other remarks. basically this is probably what "mirroring" is.
this resulted in her further digging into her brain dump and continuing to try to work things out and explain it. and then i did the same thing again, just making a mental bullet list and repeating it back to her, almost like a parrot. i would also occasionally try to connect the things she already said together, trying to sum up the worries and conversations into an "easier to think about package". the second best thing people want to hear is themselves, the first best thing is other people talking about them.
eventually, when she started to give responses like "yeah! exactly" with not much else, i tried to talk about some of my own personal experiences that i thought related to what she was thinking about. i somewhat tried to be cautious of talking WAY too much about my own problems, noting that right now i'm not the one who is paralyzed to the bed. but i did it as a means to signal "well hey, i've been there too". and then i would make sure to resummarize and tie it back to her story and what she was talking about to stay on track.
THEN, at this point, she WANTED to hear my "solution" and advice. i got the signal when she told me "yeah i was talking with my chinese friends for hours but i didnt get anywhere and they started questioning the meaning of their own lives too...idk what to do..."
at this point, i could use all the information from the conversation to discuss what a potential solution could be. and it was probably better than any past solution i would have come up with because i had previously explicated to her that i understood what she was feeling. and from hinting about my own experiences, i could say "well, when i was in that situation like yours, i did x y z". but this time she is actually listening to me, rather than stifling the urge to be like "omg no one listens to me he's just mansplaining!!!!"
so to sum up how you can effectively empathize with girls (and guys too lol):
0. THEY WANT TO OUTPUT FIRST. THEY DON'T WANT YOUR INPUT. THIS IS A FUNCTION WITH ZERO ARGUMENTS JUST CALL IT!!!!
1. FIRST let the other person brain dump as much as possible.
2. when they stop talking, just summarize what they said, and they will keep brain dumping.
3. repeat this until they start to run out of things to say and start looking like they are actually deferring to your input.
4. NOW that they have felt heard, you can slip in your own experiences that relate. but try to be concise and avoid rambling about your experiences (unless they ask you to continue and actually seem interested).
5. eventually the conversation will hit a point where the other person may or may not want your "solutions and advice". they may just already feel better at this point, and then any further prodding on this will just be annoying to the other person. but if they're asking for solutions and advice, then you can give it now.
another thing i want to note here is that don't try to hold the other person accountable for following your advice lol. it's ok if they don't end up actually following it, maybe they didn't need it in the end or maybe they do need it but it's their life. like most people are not mad hustlers, they just want to feel good (arguably mad hustlers aren't any different, being a mad hustler make them feel good too). i have been like this in the past and as recent as a year ago and it just makes you angry for no reason. additionally the other person will pull away from you too. and if it's a girl you like, you probably don't want that.
anyway, you can imagine that the already daily sex i have been having was even better on this day. i felt like slapping her ass a lot and even light choking her (i'm actually usually super vanilla with her) and she called me daddy way more than usual. great
