Return of Basketball Girl:
Long post ahead. I will calculate all the karmic points in a second post.
Just woke up, this is the morning after the date, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Love? Gratefulness? Joy? Sadness? A bunch of stuff at once. Felt pretty shit after the date, but much better now.
I will try to have empathy with myself while typing this.
We met, hugged and walked to my parents house. I told her it’s nice to see her again and we made a bunch of small-talk after. In my room, we talk some more. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the unfollowing of each other in detail, all I could ask her was “How did it make you feel when I unfollowed you?”, to which she said “I just thought ok, that’s what it is” and “So no heavy feelings anymore”, to which she responded “No, all good”.
I didn’t bring up the “are you actually looking for something more serious” conversation either, because I just forgot, all good. Also didn’t open up about my self-harming because I was quite nervous about that, all good as well.
I was quite shy/nervous in the beginning before relaxing and told her so. Eventually we both got comfortable, sitting at the edge of the bed looking into each other’s eyes. She has shifty eye contact and I tell her: “You’re allowed to look me in the eyes”, she says she always automatically looks away, so I make her lock eyes for 10 seconds. Eventually I kiss her, not for a long time at all. After we’re done still looking each other deep in the eyes, I say: “I missed you”, which makes her smile. Very heart-warming moment.
What I did really well was that I gave her a bunch of compliments. I called her cute, told her she has nice hair ect. I also told her she has BUNDA (this is a meme reference for having a big ass here in Germany, so this made her laugh). Eventually I tell her that I like her while holding deep eye contact. She says she likes me too, smiling.
I ask her what her worst date ever was, she kept it vague and said “you know, when it’s just a mismatch”, I told her about the date with CA Girl.
Also followed what Manly Cockfellow told me and made her do stuff I liked. Made her caress my dick casually (took a lot of courage), made her sit on my lap (which she couldn’t do too long because she has fucked up knees) as well.
She always knew when I wanted to say something but was scared to say it. She often asked what I wanted to say.
My parents finally leave and I invite her upstairs (took a lot of courage again, you would think it would get easier after having seen her like 6 times now, but nope, still scared of that rejection
).
Now comes the sex part.
We’re in the bed room, I make her play her playlist. Ask her to dance, she says it’s uncomfortable “because we don’t know each other like that”. I push for it a little (gently) as in “you really don’t want to?”, she’s shy and and says no so I tell her all good.
I go for the makeout, clothes come off, the regular. Make her blow me, I eat her out, massage her, lots of compliments ect. Props to me for telling her what I want as well. This goes on for… 1h, 1.30 h? Very long foreplay, again.
After about an hour she says:
Her: “Don’t you wanna…, you know?”
Me: “Huh?” *genuinely confused*
Her: “Isn’t this supposed to… lead somewhere?”
Me: *remembers that sex exists* “Oh yeah, I don’t know wether I’ll be able to get it up or not”
Her: “You know, sometimes if you just try it comes by itself”
Me: “We can try, I do wanna have sex with you. It will be hard to put the condom on if I’m not hard though”
Her: “What can I do to help you?”
Me: “I don’t think it has anything to do with what we’re doing, someday when we meet I’ll be able to get hard”
Her: “Yeah, but… I’m just thinking when, you know? It seems like we always do the same thing, when me and my ex-boyfriend did it, we never did foreplay for so long”
At this point I remember what pancakemouse told me: “2+ hours foreplay is way too long”. I didn’t remember that I could make her blow me and then put the condom on quickly, though.
Me: “So… you would like less foreplay?”
Her: “Well yeah, if we take so long it’ll be hard for me to have sex after some time as well you know?”
Me: “Yeah, I understand”
The truth is, I wasn’t even thinking about having sex, I was just enjoying the moment and thinking of new stuff to try out and the pleasure I could give her. I wasn’t even completely sure wether I wanted to have sex or not (although I said I was).
She wasn’t saying anything bad, she was just explaining how she felt. Bringing her ex-boyfriend up wasn’t done to hurt me either, she was just explaining her point. It boils down to something like:
“Brandon, I really like you and I really want to have sex with you. I understand that you have trouble getting hard, maybe it’ll work if we just try?”
But that’s not what I heard. What I heard was:
“Brandon, you’re truly pathetic. You’re 20 and you can’t get hard? How can you take so long to fuck me? We always do the same thing, lick pussy, compliment bla bla. Don’t you get bored of this shit? Ughh… My ex-boyfriend always fucked me real good after 10 min. of foreplay.”
We lay besides each other. She can tell I’m lost in thought and asks what’s up.
Me: “I’m just thinking about what you’ve said”
Her: “There’s really nothing to think about, sometimes you can just say yeah, ok”
Me: “Yeah…” *gets lost again*
Her: “What’s up?”
Me: *takes a while to build up the courage to say it, perhaps accelerated by her gentle encouragement* “I hope that it doesn’t bother you that I can’t get hard sometimes”
Her: “No, of course it doesn’t”
I ask her questions: What’s the hardest thing about being a girl?”, “What would you do if you were a man for a day?” ect., we get dressed, I walk with her for a bit and ask if I can kiss her goodbye (she rejected me just going for it). She says: “I mean it’s not like we’re together, you know…”, so I hug her goodbye.
It could be that she truly doesn’t wasn’t to kiss a FWB-guy goodbye, or she thinks we “shouldn’t” because we’re casual. I should have that conversation about “It’s ok for both of us to catch feelings even if we’re casual, you don’t have to hold back” with her in the near future. I can tell that she’s holding back a bit, because it’s clear that she likes me a lot, but maybe I’m projecting.
Alright, back to me. This is all I have in my head:
“Brandon, you’re truly pathetic. You’re 20 and you can’t get hard? How can you take so long to fuck me? We always do the same thing, lick pussy, compliment bla bla. Don’t you get bored of this shit? Ughh… Me ex-boyfriend always fucked me real good after 10 min. of foreplay.”
It felt like I was dying on the way home. Arrive, horrible self-talk, cry, look for blades, too tired, go to sleep without hurting myself.
Before going to sleep I text her:
Me: “It’s always great with you, looking forward to the next time”
Her: “Yes, until next time
”
How was the date from her perspective?
I will try to be as unbiased as possible in writing a review of the date from her perspective:
Today I hung out with a guy that I’ve been seeing for a little longer than a month now, called Brandon. He’s really cool and I really like him. We hadn’t seen each other for a while, because we unfollowed each other without good reason, so I was really nervous about seeing him again after so long.
First we talked about a bunch of stuff that I can’t even remember anymore, haha. He told me he was nervous, which I was surprised to hear but appreciated, because like I said, I was nervous too.
After a while he kissed me. I loved it, because I wanted to feel his lips again. He also told me that he had missed me, which made me very happy (I wanted to say that I missed him too, but wouldn’t that be weird? We’re not even together!). I always feel comfortable around him, because he makes it clear that he likes me and cares about me.
He always gives me so many compliments as well, I just get shy and say: “Thank you”. I love when he does it, because it makes me feel beautiful.
It often seemed like he wanted to say something but was too scared to say it, so I encouraged him to speak, because I wanted to know what was on his mind.
Eventually he invites me upstairs. I get excited and tell him I need to pee, because I know what’s about to happen. We make out and undress each other and do the usual “stuff”
He makes me feel really good and I love his body.
He stops and I ask what’s up. He says: “I’m thinking about what to do next”. At this point almost a hour has passed and I’m confused because I thought that he wanted to fuck me, but he hasn’t even tried to yet?
Later he asks me what time I have to leave. I think: “Gosh, don’t worry about it! Why are you asking me this? Don’t you want to fuck me?” I just tell him “Soon”.
Eventually I ask him about having sex. He says he doesn’t know wether he’ll be able to get it up or not, which I completely understand. But maybe we could at least try? I really want to have sex with him.
I tell him that me and my ex always did it pretty quickly, so it’ll maybe work if we just get in the passion of things instead of taking it so slow. He gets a little quiet after I say this and I ask what’s wrong. He says that he’s just thinking about what I said.
“I hope I didn’t hurt him? I was just trying to explain my point of view, you know?” I assure him that there’s nothing wrong, to which he says that he hopes that it doesn’t bother me that his dick doesn’t work sometimes.
“It doesn’t bother me at all, I just want to feel connected to you on a way deeper level!” I tell him that it doesn’t at all. We talk some more, he asks me questions about being a girl. Other guys have never asked me questions like this so I’m excited to explain. I ask him what it’s like to be a guy, because I want to know way more about guys as well.
We get dressed and he walks me back. It’s a rather quiet walk, but I always appreciate the fact that he’s willing to walk with me. But it also makes me feel quite self-conscious because I don’t want him to walk too far and then have to walk all the way back to his house, so I always tell him he can just walk back at a certain spot.
He asks to kiss me goodbye. Of course I want to kiss him, but we’re not even together… Aren’t we acting like a couple at that point? I reject and we hug goodbye instead. “Why does he wanna kiss me goodbye when we’re really just casual??”
He sends me a message after the date: “It’s always great with you, looking forward to next time”. Oh my god, why is he like this? I’m really gonna catch feelings at this rate… It’s not supposed to be like this! I tell him that I’m excited for the next time as well.
Conclusion:
So, what’s there to say? I gave it my best to make her have a good time. I was sloppy, nervous, awkward and insecure but I gave it my best.
Everything was going really well until the sex part. Even the sex part was only a self-perceived fuckup. It wasn’t bad at all, I guess it just gets pretty repetitive. Could’ve talked more (psychological play/ fucking her mind) and could’ve been more dominant. We always do the physical stuff together, but there’s not a lot of passion (Eventhough we both clearly like each other. I guess we’re both still holding back, like Manly Cockfellow pointed out)
Regarding me not being able to get it up: I didn’t feel guilty or bad about it until she mentioned that she wanted to have sex, in fact it only came up in my mind once or twice and was quickly squashed with thoughts like: “Just relax and enjoy Brandon, it doesn’t matter at all”.
So I guess the question is why her telling me that she wanted to have sex (which is obviously completely understandable, everybody wants to have sex) affected me in such a negative way.
In fact, it made me question my entire existence:
I can’t get it up –> I can’t please her at all –> In fact, I can’t do anything right whatsoever –> I’m such a worthless piece of shit –> I should kill myself
The way I responded seems more like a Me-Problem and not something she had anything to do with. Happy for any feed back on the date, thank you!
TAKE ACTION
Crimson
