UPDATE - Long post
I haven't posted on here in a week cause of what's happened.
I met up with the hot gym girl again, the one I've posted about... Told her I wanted to try a relationship. A few nights later she came round and blew me, I ate her out... but we didn't have sex.
That was Tuesday. Thursday (last night) I called her and broke it off. She took it surprisingly well, told me she knew intuitively that I'd do this, and was really mature (keep in mind she's 35). I thought she'd be upset, and feeling really bad about hurting her.
I'm feeling in two minds about this.
One feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can now do what I actually want to do, which is master CA, fuck other girls and be free.
Two feels regret and frustration I wasn't able to have sex with her. Yes, I know it's my ego talking here. I COULD have if I'd stuck it out a bit, but I know it's the wrong thing to do, morally and ethically.
I've been doing a lot of reading and deep thought about this subject, looking at posts on TRP and other blogs.
Ultimately, committing just for sex is a beta move, scarcity mentality. I knew this last week after I posted about her, but I guess I had to really experience what it would do to me to fully learn the lesson I needed to learn.
It's the hot girl trap.
A veteran told me about this, it happens to nearly every guy he's known doing CA. You meet a really hot girl, you think she's special (even if YOU DO have a lot of things in common with her), and you end up throwing away everything you're working towards and becoming infatuated/obsessed with this girl. It becomes messy and the guy comes out reeling, thinking "wtf was that about".
It's crazy. Never experienced anything like it.
He gave me some great advice - If you're looking for an LTR, don't look at the external factors that you have in common, ie. gym, music taste, opinions, etc. Look for the fundamental qualities, like honesty/integrity, virtues, ACTUAL character, like if she's feminine, giving, open, good values...
I do think she's a great person and highly rate her, forgetting about the sexual side of things. We even discussed being friends and lifting together (she's a PT). If that could somehow work, it would be unreal. We connected on so many fundemental levels, political opinions and world view that not even my close friends agree on.
She's also quite spiritual, and a lot of people talk about girls being bullshit artists when it comes to this (and a lot of them ARE), but I'm personally in touch with this side of myself as well and I see this event as one of those markers in my spiritually journey, meant to teach me something.
Either way, I'm super grateful this experience happened and it has taught me a shitload about myself and what I need to work on.
And this is what this journey is ultimately about, for me. Not just fucking girls and gratifying my ego, but getting better at having good, healthy relationships with women. More importantly, developing a deeper understanding of the nature of women and being able to control how I react to them in a more productive, healthy way.
