GN's Progress Log - Self-Love Arc: A bit better this week + Physique Update

[colgate / bulldog]

hi, local brown guy.

spent 1.5 years diving headfirst into dating.

i'm going to try to convince you that you should just get jacked bro


also forgive me if i say anything inaccurate or something you're already seriously doing, i didn't read your whole log.

I think more time in the gym should be a priority right now, which kinda sucks because it will take years to see results. Being skinnyfat with gyno I think is a bigger deal than being the wrong race.

yes exactly this. 50000%

Fair, I have only been working on my physique for over a year and I have been inconsistent for weeks at a time. My diet isn't always the best either.

i would make this your top priority

i have slipped in and out of being "jacked" and have noticed the difference in how i'm treated not just by girls, but by the world just by being jacked. being jacked is the ultimate equalizer, the last resort is just GET JACKED. whether you're short, whether you're brown, if you're jacked, the world respects you.

Once i hit 155 ill get on a lean bulk.

155lbs is NOT enough for a guy who is freaking 5'10". for reference, i'm 5'5" and people only started noticing my looks when I was 155lbs.

what being "jacked" means is a very fine line and depends on many factors. if you're 5'10" though, i would say you should probably be trying to aim for at least 180-190 under 15% body fat (approx). i do think "trying to be lean" is a bit overrated up front and it's not the end of the world to load up some fat first. better to be muscular but maybe have a slight belly at 210 than be skinnyfat at...uhh...whatever not sufficient weight you seem to be at.

not to be a dick, but i think the literal 5'3" dude (Rice) might be heavier than you lol.

you will know you hit the "jacked" threshold when people start commenting about it. they will, trust me. if they aren't you either aren't wearing clothes that show off your muscles (well fitting t-shirts) or you aren't jacked enough yet and need to keep going. the numbers will look different for everyone. personally for me (5'5", long legs), if i am any number below 70kg on the scale i am invisible to the world, but if i am any number above that, then i am suddenly asked by everyone how much i bench.

i wrote some more details on jacked vs bodyfat here if you're interested in reading about it: https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=41866#p41866


it doesn't fix everything, of course. but at least you will meet the minimum looks threshold.

personally, i think it's way more difficult to work on anything else in dating if you don't believe you pass the looks threshold (especially if you are as described by yourself, "autistic"). a lot of guys might disregard this, but those guys tend to either pass the looks threshold (being white, being some kind of "cool archetype" already) and/or already have the kind of "killer instinct" that would let them bypass a lot of looksmaxxing pre-reqs (e.g. jakeD)

you probably aren't in either category.

on the other hand, if you can get jacked, just getting random compliments from strangers is enough to improve your vibe and boost your morale. you'll be more equipped to try to actually tackle other issues, and at least then you can eliminate looks being a problem (with the only subsequent improvement from there really being fashion-related).

personally i still had lots of vibe and frame issues (and still have them now) when i actually hit the threshold, but at least i got my foot in the door. you need to basically do that first.






also unrelated and also old af but

Also I need some legit advice. How do I exactly lower my standards? Do I just say "eh fuck it whatever" if I am able to get interest from a girl who is like a 5-6 and try and sleep with her (honestly of course)?

tbh i had 2 hours of extremely fun choking and slapping sex with a chubby girl. then my next lay was a really hot black chick but the sex was so awful because she was trying to dominate me nonstop and i felt like shit after that one.

and in japan, i know guys who basically embrace going after "" for similar reasons.

so the easiest way to be "honest" about this is realizing that even if a girl is not your type, you might end up having extremely fun sex with her and have a good time. plus it'll feel like you're providing a service for her which is cool

 

[G.N]

what carries more weight is how women treat you

Women treated me well when I was overweight as fuck at 108-109kg. It doesn't mean much in terms of aiding towards your goal. Also perhaps you should cut down your daily goals for now and narrow the focus bro. You miss half of them consistently from what I've seen in the log. Good luck for finals

I see your perspective. In my case I think I see things differently since I was bullied in HS for it and after that I think being overweight made me less likely to be taken seriously.

You’re right, I’ll just focus on gym and diet when finals are over. I hate that feeling of coming here to update my log and seeing how I basically did nothing some days.

 

[G.N]

what carries more weight is how women treat you

Women treated me well when I was overweight as fuck at 108-109kg. It doesn't mean much in terms of aiding towards your goal. Also perhaps you should cut down your daily goals for now and narrow the focus bro. You miss half of them consistently from what I've seen in the log. Good luck for finals

I see your perspective. In my case I think I see things differently since I was bullied in HS for it and after that I think being overweight made me less likely to be taken seriously.

You’re right, I’ll just focus on gym and diet when finals are over. I hate that feeling of coming here to update my log and seeing how I basically did nothing some days.

 

[G.N]

hi, local brown guy.

spent 1.5 years diving headfirst into dating.

i'm going to try to convince you that you should just get jacked bro


also forgive me if i say anything inaccurate or something you're already seriously doing, i didn't read your whole log.

I think more time in the gym should be a priority right now, which kinda sucks because it will take years to see results. Being skinnyfat with gyno I think is a bigger deal than being the wrong race.

yes exactly this. 50000%

Fair, I have only been working on my physique for over a year and I have been inconsistent for weeks at a time. My diet isn't always the best either.

i would make this your top priority

i have slipped in and out of being "jacked" and have noticed the difference in how i'm treated not just by girls, but by the world just by being jacked. being jacked is the ultimate equalizer, the last resort is just GET JACKED. whether you're short, whether you're brown, if you're jacked, the world respects you.

Once i hit 155 ill get on a lean bulk.

155lbs is NOT enough for a guy who is freaking 5'10". for reference, i'm 5'5" and people only started noticing my looks when I was 155lbs.

what being "jacked" means is a very fine line and depends on many factors. if you're 5'10" though, i would say you should probably be trying to aim for at least 180-190 under 15% body fat (approx). i do think "trying to be lean" is a bit overrated up front and it's not the end of the world to load up some fat first. better to be muscular but maybe have a slight belly at 210 than be skinnyfat at...uhh...whatever not sufficient weight you seem to be at.

not to be a dick, but i think the literal 5'3" dude (Rice) might be heavier than you lol.

you will know you hit the "jacked" threshold when people start commenting about it. they will, trust me. if they aren't you either aren't wearing clothes that show off your muscles (well fitting t-shirts) or you aren't jacked enough yet and need to keep going. the numbers will look different for everyone. personally for me (5'5", long legs), if i am any number below 70kg on the scale i am invisible to the world, but if i am any number above that, then i am suddenly asked by everyone how much i bench.

i wrote some more details on jacked vs bodyfat here if you're interested in reading about it: https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=41866#p41866


it doesn't fix everything, of course. but at least you will meet the minimum looks threshold.

personally, i think it's way more difficult to work on anything else in dating if you don't believe you pass the looks threshold (especially if you are as described by yourself, "autistic"). a lot of guys might disregard this, but those guys tend to either pass the looks threshold (being white, being some kind of "cool archetype" already) and/or already have the kind of "killer instinct" that would let them bypass a lot of looksmaxxing pre-reqs (e.g. jakeD)

you probably aren't in either category.

on the other hand, if you can get jacked, just getting random compliments from strangers is enough to improve your vibe and boost your morale. you'll be more equipped to try to actually tackle other issues, and at least then you can eliminate looks being a problem (with the only subsequent improvement from there really being fashion-related).

personally i still had lots of vibe and frame issues (and still have them now) when i actually hit the threshold, but at least i got my foot in the door. you need to basically do that first.






also unrelated and also old af but

Also I need some legit advice. How do I exactly lower my standards? Do I just say "eh fuck it whatever" if I am able to get interest from a girl who is like a 5-6 and try and sleep with her (honestly of course)?

tbh i had 2 hours of extremely fun choking and slapping sex with a chubby girl. then my next lay was a really hot black chick but the sex was so awful because she was trying to dominate me nonstop and i felt like shit after that one.

and in japan, i know guys who basically embrace going after "" for similar reasons.

so the easiest way to be "honest" about this is realizing that even if a girl is not your type, you might end up having extremely fun sex with her and have a good time. plus it'll feel like you're providing a service for her which is cool

Idk what diving headfirst counts as but I only really started going really really seriously around mid-August, but I did try to focus more on it the past 1.5 years so you aren't entirely off the mark.

I agree, I am not content with my physique, my body and brain tell me I need more muscle but I feel so drawn to losing weight just so I can say "I am not a fatty", that I want to change.

My family ripped into my whole being when I was 200 pounds, and all I wanted was to be as far away from 200 as feasibly possible.

That is true though, being jacked no matter who you are is attractive. Regardless of if I am trying to get a gf or just some casual sex id like to be that hot guy she can't get out of her head.

I get occasional compliments on my arms and I do wear well-fitting t-shirts, but its more sparse so I am not at the level you say is ideal. I think I pass the looks threshold but like just barely since i only became decent looking relatively recently. Being autistic was mainly an issue years ago, a lot of people can't even tell now.

I did read that post the link read to, good stuff. I haven't seen your physique much until today and I was like wow this guy looks like he slays.

I am able to lower my standards a good bit, and have, but I also have to be sure I can keep an erection with them.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Sugar intake: 37g
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 1831 cal
->Today's Protein Intake: 158/130 g

Notes:

Went to the gym in the morning today instead of evening. It was actually a pretty good sesh but since I am on a tight schedule I could TTF for 4 exercises.

Mainly worried about my Anatomy exam, my research presentation got canceled because my professor was busy and she thought the undergrads were too busy. Nice to have a task off my list but that barely changes my situation. Still have about 3 decks of cards I need to start and 2 I need to finish. Haven't even been able to practice the labeling aspect of this class. Usually thats only 4-5 questions of the 40 question test but its still points. Still, quite easy to drill if I don't back down.

May have to fuck up my sleep the next two nights to study everything, but that may not be a good idea Tuesday night since my anatomy exam is first thing in the morning.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Sugar intake: 49g
->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 1856 cal
->Today's Protein Intake: 142/130 g

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Today's Sugar intake: 49g
->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 2200 cal
->Today's Protein Intake: 170g

Notes:

Took a bit of a break from my log because I felt like with finals and coming back home after being super burned out I would just be wasting space here since I didn't do much in the way of taking action towards my life. I finished my last final in Physical Biochemistry on Friday. It was super hard and I came out of the exam hall feeling like ass, but turns out everyone thought it was hard. At least its over now.

I got my Microbio and Anatomy finals back and I got an 89 on both. I needed a 97 on the Microbio final to get an A- in the class so when I didn't get it I was ticked and disappointed. It feels dumb to beat myself up over not getting what I want even though I did good. I have a 92.8 in anatomy right now and i sent my prof an email BEGGING her to round me to an A but idk if that will happen. Ended up beating myself up over it and realized how ridiculous I was being.

I haven't went to the gym in a week as a result. I ended up going today and I really hated it. I hate being away from the gym because it fucks over my progress. I could have also just had shitty form too. Ill go back tomorrow and work hard again. Fuck the inconsistency.

My tutoring client has his Ochem Final on Thursday so we have basically been doing back to back sessions since Saturday. We planned another 2 hour one for tommorow and hopefully I can plan another 2 hour one the day after. If this can come to frutition Ill have roughly 330$ in my PayPal. Ill pay WW for the rate+analysis once I am in the clear of my parents deciding to be nosy. Immigrant parent things :? Either that or Ill just transfer 25 to a burner paypal account and work it there.

That being said I have been considering what kratjeuh said and I want to tutor more because the truth is I need this money. I really like being able to help others and making 200-240$ a week for something only needing about 5-6 hours per week of not a crazy amount of effort because I know Ochem quite well. Assuming I do each client 2 hours per week I can take on about three. My current client during midterm weeks does much more hours with me. Now to find more clients I need a form of outreach, I could use websites like Wyzant which are popular but my competition is insane, I am competing with PHDs, Med students, etc. The only thing I can offer a student is a bargain rate. I charge like 40/hr but due to Wyzant's pay cuts I may have to charge like 50/hr. My lack of experience though may not appeal to most people.

Its a weird conflict because I think I am worth it in terms of the service I can offer, but most will think I am just bullshitting/scamming. I have zero academic talent but I managed to develop a knack for dumbing down these difficult concepts through my own hard work I put into the class. Most professors of Ochem cannot dumb down the concepts and therefore students struggle like hell. Thats where I come in. I'd have to outreach other ways like Reddit, Discord, etc.

Been messing a bit more with my new 50mm lens. Its pretty interesting trying out that background blur a low fstop number gives you. I tried testing it with small objects on my desk but I still need to give it a go with portrait. I still somewhat feel like I made a mistake buying such a cheap camera for this operation. I had the budget for like a t5i body or something of that nature but I said "but what if I drop photography all together, I don't want a 200-300$ camera just sitting there collecting dust" which led me to buying a kit lens and eos rebel xt. I could just be stupid and not using it correctly. I made a post on reddit about it and they said to keep trying with it since it can help me learn but if I want to upgrade its not bad. This thing is very situational, struggles indoors, and doesn't focus the best. Indoors I guess isn't that big of a deal since most of my pics I envision will be shot outdoors except maybe a cooking photo and a gym photo.

I think I just hope I can get a couple decent pics out of it then get something else.

Cheaping out seems to be hurting me more than it is helping me. I cheap out to take action quicker because even if I am saving money up to buy a good product that in between time I feel unproductive. I should work on this, maybe a change in mindset about money.

Fashion wise I have been going on insta again looking for inspo. Found a few more things I can try and I made a list of what to buy. Currently the new list is:

-Black Chinos
-Striped T-shirt
-Watch
-Leather belt
-Grey Jeans
-Cream color sweater.

May add more as I look at more outfits. Ill go to the mall first then me and my brother are gonna go hit up some thrift stores near his university. There were a lot there with cool stuff so I hope I can find some stuff there for myself. My brother has gotten a lot of clothes from thrift stores he rocks to this day.

On the emotional side of things I have thought a lot about my own mental state on how I interact with people here and as a result sometimes beating myself up for my behaviors. I noticed this pattern here where I have to let life beat my ass before I learn my lesson. Like back in October on the Picture feedback megathread where I thought I had great photos but they were ass. I didn't think they were ass because I was still very naive about how OLD works. Of course my match quality wasn't where I wanted it to be. Sure some quality matches trickled in here and there but not enough to satisfy me. Eventually I did come around and be like "yeah my photos are ass, I need to fix them". Same with fashion and my looks. I think I am a decent looking guy but I still have flaws in my fashion that made me look old as shit.

I think I need to stop having knee-jerk reactions and instead wait some time so I can respond cordially and with an open mind to feedback.

My stubbornness does hold me back. I think its a mixture of my lack of trust and still assuming the worst in people (due to my HS friends), general laziness, and fear. Change is hard, and being autistic change is much harder for me, but I have been able to manage. It seems so stupid to still think about those guys from high school but they changed a lot of the trajectory of my life. If I never tried to be friends with them I probably would have continued being a goody-two shoes kid who nobody liked and who had no sense of style. Even with the good they did they still made me feel like shit about myself and gave me misleading advice to humiliate me and laugh at me. I was also told by other friends they talked shit about me constantly. Basically I don't trust people very easily now and this is sometimes to my detriment.

Fear is probably just my autism kicking in, in this situation it kinda feels like a genetic weakness. Being able to adapt has been what kept humanity alive. september I kind of see your perspective now even if I don't agree with everything you said. Trying new stuff with fashion its like "oh I shouldn't try that jacket Ill just look fat in it" or "oh that looks too out there". Stupid shit like this keeps me from improving and making true change. There is more too it plus more examples but I don't want to waste more time rambling.

For some reason as of late I find myself wanting a gf instead of casual sex. Like I keep having these odd thoughts where I insert girls I have been friends with or approached into gf fantasies and just think about how great it would be to have someone who actually gives a fuck about me who isn't my family. That one Egyptian girl I approached a few months back I still find myself thinking about her because she was really nice and seemed like she had good values along with being very attractive. I only went down the route of wanting casual because I didn't want to deal with long distance when I left college. If I go back to Cali for a while and date seriously, I don't think Ill have to worry about that. Even if my end goal changes one thing doesn't change, the reason I joined

The main reason I joined the KYIL forums was because along with bettering myself and getting out of my fat lonely loser self I wanted to get a gf I didn't feel like I had to settle for. I hated feeling unworthy and wanted out. I want to be able to CHOOSE my gf. Because of how shit I felt about myself at the time I found myself unworthy of any of the girls I was attracted to and every day I spent fearing that I would have to settle for an unattractive woman. I actually managed to turn my fear into a driving force for change, and now I can at least on occasion get some attention from attractive women so I know I can do it.

 

[pancakemouse]

Been messing a bit more with my new 50mm lens. Its pretty interesting trying out that background blur a low fstop number gives you. I tried testing it with small objects on my desk but I still need to give it a go with portrait. I still somewhat feel like I made a mistake buying such a cheap camera for this operation. I had the budget for like a t5i body or something of that nature but I said "but what if I drop photography all together, I don't want a 200-300$ camera just sitting there collecting dust" which led me to buying a kit lens and eos rebel xt. I could just be stupid and not using it correctly. I made a post on reddit about it and they said to keep trying with it since it can help me learn but if I want to upgrade its not bad. This thing is very situational, struggles indoors, and doesn't focus the best. Indoors I guess isn't that big of a deal since most of my pics I envision will be shot outdoors except maybe a cooking photo and a gym photo.

I think I just hope I can get a couple decent pics out of it then get something else.

This is silly anxiety/theorycelling.

I have 80+ lays on photos from that same camera.

Quality of SLR is immaterial.

What matters is the PHOTOGRAPHER.

 

[Adrizzle]

I actually managed to turn my fear into a driving force for change, and now I can at least on occasion get some attention from attractive women so I know I can do it.

Good shit brudda! Get to it.

Also if you wanna GF. Get a GF.
I dated a girl from 21-25. It learnt a bunch of things, had sex on tap and it was really nice having her there.

+1 to what pancake said. Go try and get better. If you think your cheap DSLR is bad you should remember that Pre 2010 all cameras had that kinda autofocus, before than autofocus was a joke, and most film cameras were manual focus.

Pro tip shoot at 2-2.8 if you want an easier time with focusing. It be cool to see you actually going out a practice photography

 

[G.N]

Been messing a bit more with my new 50mm lens. Its pretty interesting trying out that background blur a low fstop number gives you. I tried testing it with small objects on my desk but I still need to give it a go with portrait. I still somewhat feel like I made a mistake buying such a cheap camera for this operation. I had the budget for like a t5i body or something of that nature but I said "but what if I drop photography all together, I don't want a 200-300$ camera just sitting there collecting dust" which led me to buying a kit lens and eos rebel xt. I could just be stupid and not using it correctly. I made a post on reddit about it and they said to keep trying with it since it can help me learn but if I want to upgrade its not bad. This thing is very situational, struggles indoors, and doesn't focus the best. Indoors I guess isn't that big of a deal since most of my pics I envision will be shot outdoors except maybe a cooking photo and a gym photo.

I think I just hope I can get a couple decent pics out of it then get something else.

This is silly anxiety/theorycelling.

I have 80+ lays on photos from that same camera.

Quality of SLR is immaterial.

What matters is the PHOTOGRAPHER.

Understandable, Ill just have to experiment more. my brother is coming on the 15th so having an actual person as a subject should allow me to gauge settings better.

 

[loki]

owning a dslr is useless imo unless you genuinely legit want to get into photography for real.

I've had my best pics taken candidly with iphones and or by other peoples dslrs. my own dslr owned for a year did not give me good results outside of one instance where I hooked it up to my laptop and kept practicing facial expressions until I got a good self headshot. no one who doesnt have a dslr already and thus doesnt need urs, is any good at taking photos of you with your dslr. no matter how much you coach them to just machinegun hold the fucking button (they never do, they take 1/20th the pics they couldve)

the time and cost of owning a dslr could be put into photoshoots instead

you're in the states so fly to Ottawa and hire Ali, he's both the best and cheapest option even travel included

dm me your number I'll telegram you and also add you to a gc bc ur gmi

 

[G.N]

I actually managed to turn my fear into a driving force for change, and now I can at least on occasion get some attention from attractive women so I know I can do it.

Good shit brudda! Get to it.

Also if you wanna GF. Get a GF.
I dated a girl from 21-25. It learnt a bunch of things, had sex on tap and it was really nice having her there.

+1 to what pancake said. Go try and get better. If you think your cheap DSLR is bad you should remember that Pre 2010 all cameras had that kinda autofocus, before than autofocus was a joke, and most film cameras were manual focus.

Pro tip shoot at 2-2.8 if you want an easier time with focusing. It be cool to see you actually going out a practice photography

I think thats what is going on. Being hella stressed out and all I want to have that security and intimacy instead of constantly going nuts in my mind about flakes, ghosts, and other stuff. I haven't been as open about it because I feel like I am "taking the easy way out". But really I am not, I am not going to slow down what i am doing right now. Im still gonna work hard at the gym, work on quitting porn, eat better, upgrade my fashion/looks, make money, etc.

Of course finding a gf is still a numbers game to some extent and the better I look it will be much easier to attract a higher quality girl. As I said, I don't want to settle and the only way I can accomplish that is by being someone a girl feels she doesn't have to settle for either.

I got an influx of new comments on my reddit post saying that me learning on this right now is much better because Ill truly understand photography when I move up because modern tech just holds your hand. The autofocus on this camera isn't bad actually, but the manual focus is just giving me a hard time. A couple of the reddit comments said my camera is a massive step up from some of its competition at the time or even older cameras like pentax or some Nikons.

Ill practice some more in the meantime. More when my brother comes home since he said hes okay with me using him as a subject. I may use my dog more as well since getting a good picture with my dog is a massive OLD boost. Thanks for the Aperature tip btw!

 

[G.N]

owning a dslr is useless imo unless you genuinely legit want to get into photography for real.

I've had my best pics taken candidly with iphones and or by other peoples dslrs. my own dslr owned for a year did not give me good results outside of one instance where I hooked it up to my laptop and kept practicing facial expressions until I got a good self headshot. no one who doesnt have a dslr already and thus doesnt need urs, is any good at taking photos of you with your dslr. no matter how much you coach them to just machinegun hold the fucking button (they never do, they take 1/20th the pics they couldve)

the time and cost of owning a dslr could be put into photoshoots instead

you're in the states so fly to Ottawa and hire Ali, he's both the best and cheapest option even travel included

dm me your number I'll telegram you and also add you to a gc bc ur gmi

I have wanted to get into photography, if anything I think having another hobby may help me not "white-knuckle" my porn addiction. My addiction therapist and I talked and said I should try to do more things that use both my hands so I don't jerk off as much. Sure, I could use my phone but basically all of my relapses have started from looking up something even innocuous on my phone.

Gym, cooking, and photography are all things that require the use of both my hands, and I am focused on one particular task as well so my brain cannot wander as much compared to if I am studying.

I have taken a lot of pics using my iphone and most of the time I can't get anything decent that doesn't look posed. Iphones still struggle with capturing moving objects (tho idk if this is still an issue with the 15). I bought a tripod as well so I don't necessarily need someone to hold it, just use AF then have my bro in this case hit the shutter button.

A photoshoot would actually be much easier, you are right. But with my last photoshoot I didn't get much for it since while the pics looked good I did barely any prep. My fashion was also mid and so were my facial expressions. Ill need to get way better in terms of looks, fashion, and vibe(facial expressions) if I want to maximize any value of a photoshoot but I will remain open to the idea.

Ill pm you my number

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2300 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 88g
->Today's Protein Intake: 114g

Notes:

Went to the gym again today, had a much better session. It helped that today was chest day so I was very excited about it. I think I am beginning to get out of that "I am weak as fuck" rut I was in. Its a negative feedback loop I have to break. I had a bad dream the night before I was incredibly obese or some shit and I woke up this morning looking at myself in the mirror like "I look normal wtf was that". My dreams a lot of the time are just super distorted versions of not so favorable realities of mine.

My sugar intake was higher than usual today after i took a look, seems like a large chunk came from these chocolate cherries my family got. They are really good but seems they are way too sugary. Ill have to slow down on them since they have the potential to get addicting.

I need to get back to working on research for my internship, I have managed to get back to my old self little by little and I actually have time for that research but I just been doing nothing on it. I think its just my porn rotted brain being stupid again where even if I get used to delayed gratification, but I use porn a bit again, I go back to wanting instant gratification. This is dumb, I need to do better. I haven't had that bad of urges lately but having low urges while nice does make me go "is something wrong with me?". Could just be my body recovering its T levels since cortisol and testosterone compete for the same substrate, so my cortisol levels still need to go down since I was massively stressed and barely took breaks for weeks on end. Or its just a period of low libido. Either way I shouldn't overthink it.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2520 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 67g
->Today's Protein Intake: 153g

Notes:
Went way above my calorie limit today, well this is more of maintenance calories for me but I am still cutting till I get to a good BF%. Still though, I don't feel bad about it since I am eating much better food. Homemade always feels 10x better than some fatty takeout.

Had some urges today, though partly they just felt out of habit. I almost relapsed, but managed to barely keep myself afloat. Probably would have whiteknuckled less today if I got up and did more stuff instead of just sit on my computer and work on my internship stuff.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2100 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 86g
->Today's Protein Intake: 96g

Notes:

Below average protein intake because I woke up late and skipped breakfast, that ones on me. Breakfast doesn't have to be complicated, just greek yogurt does the trick. Heck, greek yogurt is probably the biggest fitness cheatcode there is. Low calorie, high protein, and lotta micro/macronutrients too. I think I am getting into the bad habit of snacking a bunch when I am at home, its honestly easier to do here than when I live alone for some reason, but I still managed to stay in my calorie range. Again, I don't feel as bad about it because I am eating overall better.

Been trying to learn how to use my DSLR. One of the core tenants of photography seems to be understanding the "Exposure triangle". For that, today I just dicked around with a single subject which was a purple toy car on my desk. I tested AV from f1.8-f5, shutter speed from 1/80-1/400, and ISO from 100-1600 (my camera is only capable of ISO 100, 200, 400, 800, and 1600). It gave me an idea of how the lighting would work for taking pictures. At least for the car in particular the settings that gave me the best pics was like 1/160, f2.8, and ISO 1600. Indoor pics seem to need higher ISOs.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: Yes
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2432 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 52g
->Today's Protein Intake: 158g

Notes:

Woke up late again (11AM) but said I wasn't gonna make it an excuse to skip breakfast. If anything if this happens greek yogurt is my immediate go to. It is not filling at all because of how low calorie it is, but that doesn't make it empty calories. Easy 24 grams of protein and then I eat lunch at normal time two hours later so nothing is thrown off. That is what I did today. Waking up early though a normal breakfast is better because I don't want to be hungry while I am working. I will probably make this routine just:

If I wake up early (or no rush to leave my place) -> Eat proper breakfast (e.g eggs, waffles, oatmeal, etc)

If I wake up late (or in a rush to leave my place) -> Eat greek yogurt

Got some great news though. All of my finals came back and I actually ended Physical Biochemistry which was BY FAR my hardest subject this semester with a B. I got a 72 on my final which was omega surprising to me because I could have sworn I absolutely bombed that shit. I literally did not know jack shit on the last 1.5 questions which was worth like a third of the test. My anatomy professor also rounded my 92.8 to a 93 so I got an A in that class. Microbio my professor accidentally marked some questions I got right as wrong so he adjusted my grade there too, sadly still ended with an 89 (B+). Overall I am pretty satisfied I did good this semester, my hard work actually feels like it reflected in my grades unlike the last two semesters.

Strangely enough today I had absolutely zero urge to watch porn. Didn't even have a single thought during the day about a pornstar, porn video, sexy picture, etc. Fucking wild. I had a normal morning wood this morning too, so sexually I don't think I am in a state I should be concerned.

I have been kind of thinking I still really want to make more money from tutoring. Considering my knack for Ochem all I need to do now is retain my current client, and hopefully pick up two new ones. The amount I was making during the semester once tutoring started (like 80-100 per week most weeks), is really low. That can probably only pay for one article of clothing. Most stuff I have bought clothing wise has costed me like 60-120 dollars. I thought a lot about this a bit more because since I am at home I had to put the stuff I needed for my camera in our family shared Amazon cart. I didn't want him yelling at me for buying my own shit and mailing it here. Amazon does not take paypal so I would have to use my card which my dad watches now after my blunder a few months ago.

My dad was like "wait what is this" when he saw what I put in the cars so I said I picked up photography as a hobby since I had the money and he was like "with whos money" and I said mine. Course him and my mom start talking to me about how I need to save money and stuff and I was about to knee jerk react and say "oh but I am using it for clothes and photography and stuff" and "the point of a side hustle is to have money to blow on whatever you want" as justification for not saving. But I am practicing listening to understand instead of reacting, so I just nodded my head, adding nothing to the conversation. Initially I thought it was just talk to deter me from making upgrades to my fashion which is what this side hustle has helped me with, but that wasn't it. I don't like talking with them about money, because sometimes I just don't want others opinions when I don't ask for them. When I first got busted for my spending blunders my dad said "you can use the money YOU make for the things you want ". I said fine, I did exactly that.

But I did sit on what they said a bit and realized I may need to save over a little bit of money. I definitely had this feeling in my gut that having like zero savings (aside from the 500 I already have saved in my bank) is not good. I know the point of my side hustle is to have money for self improvement which in my case is fashion and photography to some extent. Saving money is much easier though when you are making a lot of money. My goal for the coming semester is 200-240 a week. Lets say one week I do make 240$, and if I buy like one or two new clothing articles assuming lets say it costs 200$ total. Ill be able to save 40$ which is 17% of what I made in a week. Not bad since a lot of google says you should save around 10-30% of money made from side hustle payments.

I will listen to advice and take it, but I don't want to be forced to do something. Its my money, even if what I do with it is stupid, its still up to me how I want to spend it. Hell, that goes for all advice. Its up to the recipient if they want to take it.

 

[G.N]

Daily Actions:

->No Porn/PMO: No (only peeked, no PMO)
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2429 cal
->Today's Sugar intake: 83g
->Today's Protein Intake: 144g

 

[Adrizzle]

500 I already have saved in m

I don’t exactly know your situation.

If you only have 500 saved then yeah you should have a bigger fund. There’s the time value of money but also the value of youth. It’s up to you to decide where to spend your time your money. I know for me spending money on clothes and having some success with girls was worth it.

I know it’s hard but it some point your parents can’t make your decisions

 

[G.N]

500 I already have saved in m

I don’t exactly know your situation.

If you only have 500 saved then yeah you should have a bigger fund. There’s the time value of money but also the value of youth. It’s up to you to decide where to spend your time your money. I know for me spending money on clothes and having some success with girls was worth it.

I know it’s hard but it some point your parents can’t make your decisions

I mainly use my side hustle money for clothes, camera stuff, and kitchen accessories.

I think you misunderstand, I am not having them make my decisions. I made the decision to spend it on what I do, I just don't want interference but I am having my past mistakes being held over my head when I have taken accountability for it.

I made a dumbass mistake not getting all the camera gear I need but thats also in part due to just not making enough from my side hustle. More money -> Easier to get what I need and faster progress.