Update 9/30:
-Went to gym and made sure to go to the point where I felt fatigue and was a few reps from failure on everything except squats
-Ate 2/3 of an entire share/family size bag of peanut M&Ms while watching youtube videos, so went over my calorie goal by a mile
-Drove a lot, so didn't have much time
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Replies:
pancakemouse said:
Whether you deal with it now or not, I think some sort of explanation is needed here. What is causing this?
This is a very pertinent point that I want to break down into two questions: First, why am I eating so much/not following my goal so severely, recently (in the past week or so)? Secondly, why am I having such difficulty following my goal/what habits and mindsets get in my way of moving towards this goal of losing weight, while also encouraging weight gain?
To answer the first question: In order to focus on other goals that were more time-sensitive, like finishing homework for this weekend and getting the "talk to 100 people in a bar setting" goal done before October, I put less pressure on myself to focus and maintain healthy eating habits, and at some point stopped having the energy to care about how I wasn't balancing out the days I went over my goal (though I've kept counting the calories).
In answer to the second question, I've been ruminating over it for quite a while, and I've thought of several factors that contribute to it, including:
- I have the notion that I need to eat lunch and dinner in some set time ranges (even when doing so puts me out of my calorie goals).
- I want to avoid food going to waste, which has 2 effects: I frequently take free food I don't need, and when food is deemed "junk I need to get rid of" (because it doesn't fit my diet) or "about to expire soon", I tend to eat it myself (often in large quantities) to "get rid" of it instead of throwing it away or giving it to a friend.
- The thought of eating some tasty food that I have available in my fridge/pantry triggers me to want to eat some, even when I'm full. Especially if it's particularly sweet or savory. My brain bypasses my goals, bypasses checking whether my stomach is full, and goes to the conclusion "I should eat X" up until the point food is gone, or my mind goes away from food, or I'm so stuffed from eating that it almost (or does) hurt.
- Instead of eating only enough to satisfy my stomach, I have the mentality of "clean my plate" and not wasting food. I'm happy to eat leftovers when I take them home and put them in my fridge though.
- I have a stockpile of "healthy" but not low-calorie-dense foods stored in my room, which make it easy to rack up calories quick. Now that I'm learning about better options from sources like Greg Douchette (on Youtube), I realize that having things like regular cheese in my fridge is taking up valuable space that I could use for healthier and less caloric options. So what do I do? Ration it out day by day to slowly remove it? No, I binge-eat a bunch of it all at once, adding unnecessary calories to my intake.
- When relaxing or watching a video or Youtube or otherwise consuming media, I frequently feel the urge to mindlessly eat (again, ignoring my own physical needs and fullness). This may be partly accidental training on my part, as I often open up my phone while eating lunch or dinner to have "something to do" while eating. Around meals too, when I do use my phone or computer, I eat more.
- My work has next to no vegetables or fruits or options without fried/breaded foods or sandwich buns on the menu. I easily overeat there, with the added downside of the food there being high in calories, and neglect to consider whether I should skip my meal and instead use my allotted free item to buy something to take home for another day's meal.
This might not be all the factors. It is most of the ones bouncing around in my head. As you can see, I've been thinking through them. I've also been identifying ways to tackle them and change the situation, story, or mindset so that I can flip the script to eat in a positive, mindful way where I don't feel like I'm fighting myself or constantly thinking about food or my next meal.
I've done this for porn/masturbation. I can do this for food.
For 10/1-10/2, I will likely continue eating in a terrible fashion to give myself a clear picture of how terrible it feels to do so and physically see the negative effects it has on my body and my progress:
I burp acidic burps more, I feel bloated more often, I rarely have a stomach that doesn't feel stretched by food, I'm constantly flatulent, and I can literally see my belly rounding out with fat. I often feel uncomfortable about how much I ate and feel like throwing up sometimes. It's the worst. And a life like this... after a year or two, I could look like Nickocado Avocado and be one of the most unattractive dudes in the dating market. As I am, I'm about 5 lbs heavier than I was when I started and 7 lbs heavier than a week and a half ago. I eat little fruit and vegetables and constantly look over at the "sugar shelf" of foods I got for entertaining guests, not for my own consumption. I feel my belly when I bend down and when I run. It feels like shit. I hope I'm gaining muscle simultaneously but the likelihood is slim, and I'm not lifting heavy enough for that because I'm supposed to be on a caloric deficit which doesn't allow for much room to recover from a serious hard workout. This is the worst. This is my anti-vision. This is a nightmare. I will convince myself and maybe others of that. It's terrible to let my "ooh, X food sounds delicious" impulses dictate when and what and how much I eat.
No. No more, come Monday. It's going to be refreshing to diet after this. I'm going to go to the store and buy a variety of low-calorie filling foods and recognize portion sizes and the calorie intake thereof, and it's going to be awesome. I'm going to feel so good eating healthy vegetables for snacks. I'll love getting out of my room more to study in places not next to my fridge. It will be an amazing time, because it won't be as terrible as living like this. I don't know why I let myself get here in the first place, to this degree. Maybe I'll even cut back on torturing myself for the next couple days up to Monday. But Monday, I'll look at my anti-addiction toolbox and apply it towards food. I will not quit until I reach my goal, even if I have another detour. Thus, I will not fail to reach my goal of looking decent with abs, even if it takes me a year to do it. But I still aim to have it done by January 1st.