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On the path to a better self

Thrice said:
SpongeBob said:
Really ? From 500mg ? I read that it's usually the higher doses that helps for sleeping
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not true! all took one pill and always slept like a baby...i like this brand too, they have legit stuff
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Is there any noticeable sleep hangover with phenibut? For comparison, if I take more than 1mg of melatonin I'll be sleepy as fuck for several hours upon waking the next day.
 
Hard2Focus said:
Is there any noticeable sleep hangover with phenibut?
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we all have different chemistry, me myself never had sleep hangover with phenibut! never used melatonin, i don't like it
 
SpongeBob said:
And I'm thinking that I was so not a "threat" (in a sexual way)
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I've got exactly the same issue man. Last friday it was EXACTLY the same setup, went out with a bunch of girls which could have been potential targets. Alcool helped to chill and to danse, but I was so worried to be overly-flirty with these to do not harm my reputation. It's perphaps a bad believe idk, perhaps you feel about the same ?

. It's barely noticeable but since I've got more edge (muscle, tatoo, no glasses) I've got more comments, but it doesn't exactly lead to flirty behaviour.
 
ovnidos said:
Alcool helped to chill and to danse, but I was so worried to be overly-flirty with these to do not harm my reputation. It's perphaps a bad believe idk, perhaps you feel about the same ?
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No I have to admit that I don't care about my reputation, it's just the thought of being rejected by the girl that blocks me I guess.

----------------------

I feel a small decrease in my motivation, I'm not consistent in my habits anymore. Diet has really taken a hit since I lost all my weight, and I haven't calculated my calories ever since, stopped weighing myself at the gym as well, as I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. Feel like I may have lost more weight, but need to face that and I'll weigh myself Wednesday morning, next time I go to the gym in the morning. I've also stopped working on my upper body at the gym because of my shoulder pain, even by only working the biceps triceps, I'd end up with pain and even when I'm not training. Decided to let it rest to try to fully heal it. So I'm only doing lower body, I should also include core training but fuck I hate it. Maybe as much if not more as leg day, but would still be good to do. Last week I've been only twice at the gym, skipped one day because of laziness. Not too proud of this but not worth to beat myself for it.

My OLD is totally dry, not getting any organic likes anymore. Unless I boost on Tinder, don't get shit. My 2 last boosts just got me 2 matches (all the other likes were not attractive) and because of some financial issues, I might not be able to pay for more boost this month. I need to sort this out.

Had a date las Wednesday from Happn (the only one I got from the app), 32yr old Dutch/Colombiana. Was mad cute but the date was off, she deflected all my attempts of flirting and talked to me in a very friendly vibe. Had a nice conversation but after the date I actually never contacted her, I think I was put off by the vibe of the date and didn't want to pursue more.

I was trying to set up a date with a girl from Tinder during the weekend, we told each other that we'd contact on Saturday morning to plan something in the evening or Sunday during the day. Wrote her as planned, she replied in the evening, never mentioning her availability. She flaked on me previously already so I just moved on.

I'm still seeing the girl from my school regularly, but I feel that I'm slowly loosing interest, sex is good and we're having a good time, but don't feel it for a relationship and she gives me this vibe. My primal reaction is to start to pull myself out of this situation, but I'll confront it and next time I see her, we'll talk about each other's expectations. Need to start facing uncomfortable conversations.

Went to another meetup on Saturday, met some cool people and we all moved to a gay bar, was a lot of interesting ladies but once again, I pussied out most of the time, even though some really gave me hints of being interested. This evening, once again, made me realise that I really need to work on my vibe. I remember that, during the meetup, at some point I was talking to a group of girls, we had a nice chat but I felt that something was off, at some point I left because I wanted to bounce to talk to other people and not overextend my stay with them, I saw another guy go and talk to them, and I could see from a distance that the vibe of their convo was totally different, one of the girl was way more invested, you could see it in her body language. I talked to the guy after and he was one of the people we moved with afterward, and he just had this chill, confident vibe (even though he was drunk) and I think he's more emotional when he talks, so more engaging, even though I'm sure he's not more interesting. I think I have this false belief that I need to be super interesting in order to attract, I need to put more emphasis on being fun and not being too serious. This is not just for women but in general. Now the question is, how to do that ? It's all mental and shit but that's why it's so hard to change. But I'll find a way.

For the 1st time in a month, I don't have any dates coming this week, will probably have another meetup this week end and will try to hang out with the people I met Saturday. It's fun to go out with people. But I don't really know what to do to work on what I mentioned, but having a relaxed week could also be good.

Baby steps is the was forward.
 
Bro happy to hear from you, I've gotta work remotely but I am going to write a full reply to you.

But I am happy you posted.

I will post to you later today brother and I have been in this spot, big time. I would love to share my thoughts and just echo that I know this position very well.

This is legit essential in the journey.

Again I will share with you what the other bros taught me and it helped like crazy

MAC
 
All pheni doses will help with sleep somewhat, but higher doses will force your body to sleep. That's why you see higher doses recommended specifically for sleep.

Phenibut has a nice afterglow the day after. Good for the gym and listening to music and being productive.
 
MakingAComeback looking forward your post

Holden, Funny, when I take phenibut I have trouble to go to sleep, as I'm stimulated. Music does hit differently on it though, 100%
 
SpongeBob said:
ovnidos said:
Alcool helped to chill and to danse, but I was so worried to be overly-flirty with these to do not harm my reputation. It's perphaps a bad believe idk, perhaps you feel about the same ?
Click to expand...

No I have to admit that I don't care about my reputation, it's just the thought of being rejected by the girl that blocks me I guess.

----------------------

I feel a small decrease in my motivation, I'm not consistent in my habits anymore. Diet has really taken a hit since I lost all my weight, and I haven't calculated my calories ever since, stopped weighing myself at the gym as well, as I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. Feel like I may have lost more weight, but need to face that and I'll weigh myself Wednesday morning, next time I go to the gym in the morning. I've also stopped working on my upper body at the gym because of my shoulder pain, even by only working the biceps triceps, I'd end up with pain and even when I'm not training. Decided to let it rest to try to fully heal it. So I'm only doing lower body, I should also include core training but fuck I hate it. Maybe as much if not more as leg day, but would still be good to do. Last week I've been only twice at the gym, skipped one day because of laziness. Not too proud of this but not worth to beat myself for it.

My OLD is totally dry, not getting any organic likes anymore. Unless I boost on Tinder, don't get shit. My 2 last boosts just got me 2 matches (all the other likes were not attractive) and because of some financial issues, I might not be able to pay for more boost this month. I need to sort this out.

Had a date las Wednesday from Happn (the only one I got from the app), 32yr old Dutch/Colombiana. Was mad cute but the date was off, she deflected all my attempts of flirting and talked to me in a very friendly vibe. Had a nice conversation but after the date I actually never contacted her, I think I was put off by the vibe of the date and didn't want to pursue more.

I was trying to set up a date with a girl from Tinder during the weekend, we told each other that we'd contact on Saturday morning to plan something in the evening or Sunday during the day. Wrote her as planned, she replied in the evening, never mentioning her availability. She flaked on me previously already so I just moved on.

I'm still seeing the girl from my school regularly, but I feel that I'm slowly loosing interest, sex is good and we're having a good time, but don't feel it for a relationship and she gives me this vibe. My primal reaction is to start to pull myself out of this situation, but I'll confront it and next time I see her, we'll talk about each other's expectations. Need to start facing uncomfortable conversations.

Went to another meetup on Saturday, met some cool people and we all moved to a gay bar, was a lot of interesting ladies but once again, I pussied out most of the time, even though some really gave me hints of being interested. This evening, once again, made me realise that I really need to work on my vibe. I remember that, during the meetup, at some point I was talking to a group of girls, we had a nice chat but I felt that something was off, at some point I left because I wanted to bounce to talk to other people and not overextend my stay with them, I saw another guy go and talk to them, and I could see from a distance that the vibe of their convo was totally different, one of the girl was way more invested, you could see it in her body language. I talked to the guy after and he was one of the people we moved with afterward, and he just had this chill, confident vibe (even though he was drunk) and I think he's more emotional when he talks, so more engaging, even though I'm sure he's not more interesting. I think I have this false belief that I need to be super interesting in order to attract, I need to put more emphasis on being fun and not being too serious. This is not just for women but in general. Now the question is, how to do that ? It's all mental and shit but that's why it's so hard to change. But I'll find a way.

For the 1st time in a month, I don't have any dates coming this week, will probably have another meetup this week end and will try to hang out with the people I met Saturday. It's fun to go out with people. But I don't really know what to do to work on what I mentioned, but having a relaxed week could also be good.

Baby steps is the was forward.
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-Habits: Yep, I know. There are many days where I am smoked from the grind and also when I am getting my psyche beat into oblivion from not making the process with women I want to make. Today is one of those days. 20 dates bro, and let me tell you, when you're sitting next to another person telling them you're story and they just disappear into the ether not giving a rats ass, it sucks. Remember I am looking for a connection, so either ghosting or not feeling the connection text week in week out is brutal for my psyche. Motivation for me today is dead.

Geuss what?

Motivation is actually bullshit.

If you think the highest performers in the world are motivated, think again. Two people who I find interesting spell this out well:

Jordan Peterson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3ijBdZfdbM

Jordan talks from a clinical perspective on the importance of moving forward in agony. When you are truly defeated, and life is almost hell, this is when you must simply endure. You must simply press forward in total agony.

The habits, the processes, the structure, you must simply do it and do it with enthusiasm, totally feigned, totally manufactured. Like you are playing a role. Because the truth is, consistency and productivity is about conditioning.

It's about simply making yourself do it, not because you want to, but because you understand you need to train your brain for greatness.

"If you can make yourself do the things your brain does not want you to do, on the other side of that is greatness"
-David Goggins

Watch this video from DG, I have seen this countless times. The way he explains it is brilliant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLKxdTmk-zc

The journey is a journey into hell. Darkness, darkness, self doubt, misery, suffering, pain, mental and emotional turmoil, but on the other side of that, is light. On this journey you go into hell but get to heaven.

YOU HAVE TO GO OFF SHEER FAITH WHEN MOTIVATION IS DYING

SHEER FUCKING FAITH

I can't allow you to skip, I can't allow you to coast, because I would be no friend to you if I did that.

SpongeBob, bro, greatness is your birthright and you are fucking awesome as a human.

What you are sharing is NORMAL and is part of this process.

We have ALL BEEN HERE.

Even the guys who are successful, they have been here. Trust me, they have. Sit down and talk to them and they will tell you their story. Many of the guys here had to put in their grind. Many. I remember Manganeilo putting in a year and a half of work before his first lay, and then it took off for him. His equation was getting the looks right and then he got online dating on point, it seemed to take off from there. I remember many weeks of Crisis doing cuck volume in approaches. He broke through.

I was pushing for 12 god damn years just to get my first lay.

All this creates trust in the process and creates the savage drive that is needed for greatness.

We all have our own equation and for some of us, it is a fucking complicated ass equation.

But point being - THESE DIPS ARE A CALL TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOUR EQUATION

When I had mad outbursts, I had to learn stoicism and emotional control. When I feel hopeless, like I am feeling today, totally defeated, I learned to flip that and turn it into aggression - "fuck you, I will keep hammering, and if you want to stop me you're going to have to fucking kill me". Your psyche changes in subtle ways in this journey, and often the times of true darkness are what are required for you to learn the lesson you need to learn.

Right now I am in a terrible position of getting dates, a fair few, but they are going abso-fuckin-lutely nowhere. The feeling of a chick just sitting there not giving a shit about you is not nice. I do not like that feeling bro.

What is your dip telling you right now?

My thoughts: perhaps this is a lesson in how to execute during low motivation and fallow periods. Perhaos this is a call from the universe to teach you how to push on in total agony. When it hurts.

Motivation is genuinely bullshit. Process that.

"When the wind chill hits their face, a motivated person goes inside and says it's too cold to run today. A driven person goes inside, puts on a jacket, and says "OK, it's minus 10 today. I'm going for a run""
-Davidd Goggins

It's true. Motivation is bullshit. If you need motivation, you will never realise your true potential.

DRIVE is what we must find. It is DEEP inside us. Just introducing this idea to you, you will find your own path. This is my view.

In sum: process gets results. systems get results. Your habits are sacred. Success is just a culmination of small actions taken daily. You know this. We both know this.

Get back, reload, re-engage, and go on the attack.

(2) OLD is dry

Yep.

Mine was for MONTHS.

I am a stubborn dickhead and kept hammering for MONTHS without matches and any receptive leads.

Radical met me and basically said do new pictures THIS MONTH. Rags2Bitches doubled down and sent me the game plan via FB messenger.

I showed the photographer Rags2Bitches reference shots, she made the work.

The next day, everything on the apps changed.

Hinge leads got way stronger with more numbers coming in, Bumble went from nothing, ever, to up to 20 matches for a boost.

You are WAY ahead of a dog like me in success with women, you know that, I say this just as your friend: OLD being dry is a CALL TO ACTION.

Gain more muscle, change style, think of new concepts for photos, speak to the community and gets us to think about a way forward. Then take new pics when viable. There is a Netherlands group, you Matt BigBrach, get together and do pics!

I have gained muscle, lost fat, and will be doing new pics on Sunday with Timmy and my bros in London.

And I am going to do a professional photoshoot again maybe in June.

OLD has to be dry for you to take the next step on your journey. Guys like Andy did new OLD pics every month. That psycho outworked us all.

(3) Way Forward / Baby Steps

YEP

Taking me back to the first part, bro, you need to put the habits and processes back in right now NO EXCUSES

Even if it sucks, you need to do it, because in that, there is growth.

Sometimes tough love is necessary and you will give me tough love many times on this journey too.

There is NO EXCUSE to not put the effort in. None. Because in putting the effort in, even if you can't see it on the surface, its changing your brain. It ma take months to come to the surface, but it will. Do you know how good it felt to hear everyone say I have changed since my 1st interview with Andy?

You will keep growing, you will keep achieving. You are getting dates which is more than I could do for so long as you damn well know.

With love, with respect, and with appreciation for you - I would love to see you go out there and give 'em hell.

In this to the bitter end with you.

Show them your teeth, let them know you are prepared to die for this.

MAC
 
Hey MakingAComeback, thanks a lot for your post. You're definitively right about the motivation and the drive. I know 100% that motivation ain't shit. I'm not blindly following it. Often I'm not motivated to go to the gym, I go anyway. I wasn't motivated to go out last saturday, I went anyway. I'm not really motivated to hit the OLD apps, I still do.

I do love Peterson and Goggins, but find their view and way of phrasing stuff too extreme sometimes, I believe there needs to be a balance with some lighter view where all is not only suffering and pain but also as Andy said, you don't have to (only) suffer to reach your goal, you're allow to enjoy the process and have fun with it.

Regarding the OLD being dry, I should have been more precise, I'm talking about when I don't pay for boosts. When I do, I usually get a couple of matches. But your post kind of motivated me to try something else, I sorted my financial issue and bought some boosts from Bumble (which actually is the only apps that didn't got me any date yet) and will see how that turns out. I used a couple of boosts 2 days ago, and got a couple of matches. Also, one of the guys has a DSLR camera, I'm going to see if we can arrange a shooting all together next week. Thanks for the suggestion!

You also made me think about the drive, some time ago, someone posted something about having a mission (I think it was HomelessBob ) and now you're making me think about that again. I think that's something that I lack, a mission, a sense of purpose behind my actions that go deeper than just "I want to feel good". I'll have to think about this more clearly and to keep this as my main focus.

Thank you MAC
 
Hey bro,

Love the post. Hear ya. Great points and totally on board. As my mentor Jesse used to say, "there are many ways up the mountain". We are all unique and need a game plan that will be tailored to the individual.

Great that you've had further thoughts on OLD. And MAJOR that you are thinking about your mission more deeply.

Keep working.

MAC
 
It's been a while since I've posted any update.

Life is going well, sorta. Compared to where I was when I joined that forum, I'm in a much better spot:

- I'm dating more women than ever, slept with 3 women in 2 months (since february), which is more than I ever did.
- I'm having a rich life, meeting people (almost) every week, doing activities that I like, dating, building a social circle...
- I work in a field that I like, sometimes it's a bit boring, and I'm thinking of changing company soon, but overall can't complain

Yet, I don't really feel good about myself and my life. Every day I'm wondering what the fuck am I doing. Where do I go ? Since last time, I keep thinking about what MAC's talked about regarding a drive and a mission and I really can't sort out mine.

The reality is that I feel like I live in fear. I want to change job, but I'm afraid of doing so because I wonder if it's a good choice, if I'm not strike by the "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I want to be more socially free, but I'm afraid of really make myself vulnerable and to be more daring (during meetup, I feel like I tend to play it safe). Dating wise, I know I want to have a deep and meaningful relationship, but I'm afraid of commitment and intimacy (which are the reason I broke up with my ex). Speaking of my ex, still haven't moved on, which is kind of putting me into this mental prison and I don't know what to do with it.

And I feel stupid and pathetic to let myself being led on by fear. I feel stupid and pathetic to still be hung out on my ex, after more than a year of separation. I know I'm amongst the lucky one, with the friends and family that I have, the fact that I'm quite well educated, deemed attractive enough by some women, don't have any major handicap but still, I can't feel fulfilled, I can't feel proud, I can't feel good about myself. And I know that in the end, everything comes from within, no amount of external success can help.

When I get a new success in dating, when I get a new girl, the high is brief. I feel good for a couple of days then I'm back to the usual mental pattern. I'm not depressed or anything, it just feels like an every day struggle to earnestly enjoy life.

Right now I had to stop exercising because of my shoulder injury that doesn't heal, even running and making the motion is painful. So I decided to just take a break, because even when I do only leg days, I still have to lift the weights and to put some strains on my shoulder, which in the end doesn't help the recovery.

On the dating front:

I think last time I mentioned that I was seeing a french girl from my past. This ended last week because she wants to try a relationship with another guy. Wished her the best and hope it'll work out for her. She's a nice girl, not GF material for me and I felt that she was dipping her feet to check if she could get a relationship out of me, which made me anxious and distant.

I started seeing another girl anyway since it happened, a nice cute Russian girl. Not the most attractive, but so nice and easy going and she has a nice ass. For now I think she has a great personality.

Tonight I have a date with another Russian girl which, coincidentally, has the same name than the one I'm currently seeing. If she doesn't flake, it'll be the hottest girl I date from OLD. She also seems very active. Have to admit that I'm a bit intimidated especially because I'm not in the best state mentally speaking but heh, will try my best nonetheless.

Other than that, a few leads here and there. Didn't renew my tinder gold account as I want to try to push me to go out on the frontline, either through meetups or CA.

Other stuffs:

- Started seeing a therapist

- I'm going to do a 10 days silent meditation retreat starting next week. I'm not looking forward to it at all because I'm totally out of practice (trying to meditate every day for 5min now, and even this feels too much) and I'm looking at 10h/day of meditation, being alone with my thoughts and emotions, some of which, I'm actively distracting myself from. So I kind of foreshadow 10 days of hardship, but I also know that's what I need. so I'll just shut up and meditate and take everything that come my way.

Was a bit of a rant. Self improvement doesn't happen in a linear curve, that's for sure.

I'll keep on working on myself, baby steps is the way forward.
 
MakingAComeback said:
Im gonna do a vipassana retreat this year too broski

How are ya?

MAC
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Yeah man I really recommend, this is a really unique experience that allowed me to unlock some emotional blocks. You'll love it for sure.

Life is good man. Lost a couple of leads because of the retreat (like the hot russian girl I talked about in my previous post) but it's ok, was worth it. Gave me a new purpose in life on top of all the benefits.

Dating wise, I'm still seeing the russian girl, getting some matches there and there and some dates. Nothing fancy, but better than nothing especially since I don't boost anymore and don't even have premium accounts. Might get back on it in May, but I want to shake things up. I'll explain this in another post soon.

Thanks for checking on me anyway
 
The past couple of weeks, I've made a realisation that is just painful to admit: I'm a coward. Most of my life has been lived in fear: fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of being vulnerable, fear of not being good enough, fear of embarrassing myself and so on... Now, fear is normal, fear can be healthy even, the issue is when you let fear regulate your life.

- I remember in high school, girls were attracted to me. One even came to ask me out directly, I rejected her, out of fear, and I got into a serious one itis on her the next year.

- There was also this girl that were into me, during some summer holidays, for 2 years straight. Gave me mad signals, very pretty girl, I never did anything, again out of fear.

- I've known the pick up community and the street pick up since I'm 22-23. I've always dreamed to be able to talk to any woman, anywhere, anytime. I've never did, even though I tried many times, sometimes I could muster the courage to do a few approaches, only to give up a couple of days later, out of fear

- I kept my guard up with my ex, because deep down, I didn't feel good enough. She was stunning, intelligent, confident, and I was scared, which translated into toxic behaviour, and at the end, I called it quit. I ran away, out of fear

- I tried to build my online business, a dropshipping store where at the beginning, I was supposed to call companies to figure out if I could sell their products. I couldn't do it, out of fear. So I resorted to some shady tactics, trying to sell Chinese products from Aliexpress, because it was less scary. I was supposed to contact people to present them my products so that they could talk about them. I never did, out of fear. Then I called it quit, telling myself that I was not made for this. I ran away.

- I'm now afraid to change job, because I'm afraid to be rejected when I'll apply. I'm scared to take the risk to lose the comfort that I have, to change into a bad company.

Can't count all the time where I was at some event, girls giving me the green lights, and me, not acting up, out of fear.

Even not posting regularly on this forum is done out of fear. If I do it, I'll be held accountable over my failures, and I wouldn't have any choice than to face my fear. And of course, it scares me.

But one thing that was bad in the past, is that I mastered the art of deceiving myself:

- When I rejected that 1st girl, it was because "I was not sure that she was not joking". Never calling me out on my own bullshit, never going back to ask her if she was serious, because then I'd have to face that reality and do something about it

- Whenever I'd stop trying to be good at approaching, to overcome my fear of rejection, I'd always find an excuse: "I don't really want it actually", "approaching women on the street is too much effort for not enough reward", "I don't have time now"... When in the end, even now, I'd love to be able to go out and just talk to girls, instead of doing online dating.

- When I acted in a toxic way toward my ex, it was because of me not loving her anyway, or her being too this or that, and I was agressive, to hide the truth.

- I remember when we lived with my ex and some roommates, there was a hygiene issue with one of them. My ex asked me to talk to the guy, and I never did, out of fear. In the end, someone else did it. But fuck, how can I be a reliable partner if I can't have difficult conversations ?

Now is time to call myself out for my bullshit. To call a cat a cat and a coward... a coward. And it's time to change. I can't live my 30s like I did my 20s. I can't keep living out of fear. All my dreams are outside my comfort zone.

Yesterday, I went back to the front line, before my dance class. I saw 1 girl with a style that I love, I wanted to go give her a compliment on that, but I didn't managed to. I saw another girl that I wanted to approach, or just call cute and then bail, but I didn't dare.

There's amazing weather at the moment, it's be the perfect time to daygame, or at least, face one of my biggest fear.

I plan to go out in the street more to try to approach, go to social events as usual and try to push myself out of my comfort zone, to allow myself to feel fear, to not run from it. It's time to learn how to be brave, how to be a man.

I may delete all the dating apps, they got me a couple of lay, some dates and my current plate, but they're not helping me developing myself in the direction I want.

I'll post more regularly here, even if it scares me, even if it's just to share how much I've failed.

I'm now scared to push click on the submit button, but I'll do it anyway
 
Hey man,

You did deliver a powerful message. A deep introspection of yourself that's really great !

I really feel that's this forum at the end is more about mental health through the fact of gettin' laid than gettin' laid by itself.

I'll say a sentence that I repeat over and over in my head : "With greater risk, come greater reward"
 
Hey, very deep man, I have felt identified with it, I also think my self as a coward and I have A LOT of experiences like the ones you mention, even the ones that mention this forum and the fear of posting without having achieved your goals. That's scary. But I am completely sure that you have also shown bravery in other situations. I consider my self a complete coward, but paradoxically it has driven me to make brave things. The most obvious example is cold approach, I even had a girlfriend who I met approaching her in the street, and that is something that scares the shit out of people that gets laid a lot and I consider way more brave than me. But that is only an example, I have done a looooot things that other people I considere more brave than me is incapable to do. I always have considered me shy and I realize that I do things that people who don't consider themselves shy wouldn't do.

If you are here in this fourm is because, at least in this thing in particular, you are very brave.
 
Thanks guys for the support.

AtlantisGuy said:
But that is only an example, I have done a looooot things that other people I considere more brave than me is incapable to do
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I get what you mean and I also did some things where people looked at me while being impressed. But I can't call myself brave for it. Why ? Because those things didn't scare me. And since I didn't get to deal with any kind of anxiety or fear about those, I didn't really need courage. Don't know if that make sense. I might be hard on myself but that's how I see it.

-------

Wanted to go to the front line Yesterday, in the end I procrastinated and didn't go out of the house. I distracted myself and found excuses (shitty weather). Don't feel good about it.

Tonight I see Russian girl, and I've been postponing having an honest talk about our expectations about our relationship. I know we're not a good match long term, but I still want to see her regularly because we have nice chemistry. I'm afraid to have this conversation, but I want to act according to my values.

Tomorrow I should have a date with a girl from Bumble.

Saturday I have a BBQ meetup with lots of people, and I know a girl that I find attractive will be there. My objective of this meetup is to be flirty with her.

Sunday, I'll go back to the front line.

Monday I might have another date with a girl from Bumble, but this one seems flakey AF, not holding my breath for her. If that bails, I'll go to the front line again.

On my way to work this morning, wanted to start a conversation with a lady with a dog, I pussied out. I'll get better, I swear. Even if it takes me 5 years just to get decent.
 
Friday's date was not too great. The girl was not that pretty and it was quite boring. 1st 22 year old that I date though, that may be why I couldn't really relate to her. Conversation was quite platonic, hit her with the "I didn't feel the connexion" text the next morning. She replied that she felt the same. Wished her well and deleted her contact. -> Positive point, usually after the dates where I don't feel like continuing, I tend to just ghost and don't send anything. This time I decided to just send the text, as I want to be an honest man, and just disappearing doesn't cut it as such.

Yesterday, went to the BBQ, had some good time, but I pussied out. There were a couple of girls that I wanted to talk to, I never did, I stayed in my fucking comfort zone, once again, being friendly with people. I believe my vibe stink "nice guy" all around me. And to be honest, I'm starting to despise myself because of that. I don't know what to do, how to change my core to be more flirty, more fun. I came home and was angry and frustrated. I'm sick of feeling that way. I'd like for once, be proud of facing my fear. But I'm a fucking coward

I also fucked up the talk with Russian girl. I was supposed to let her know that I wasn't seeing anything serious happening between us, but that I'd love to still see her. Instead I have said that I was open with a relationship with the right person, which can let her imply that I'm open to a relationship with her... I have mixed feeling about her to be honest. On one side we have a great chemistry and I really like being with her, on the other side, I see stuff that, in the long run, will not cut it. So fuck me, like the coward that I am, I can't make a fucking decision.

I feel fucking angry at myself now, wondering how the fuck can I improve in the direction I want to ? I feel fucking worthless right now.

I deleted most of the apps from my phone, the only one I'm keeping is bumble, at the moment. Had some spotlights that I used, and bought the premium just for a week in order to go through the likes that I had. From this, I have a date with a 22 year old Ukrainian girl on Wednesday. She looks pretty cute, and this time, I plan to not have any regrets, will work on my intention, my vibe, I will be physical. Logistic is really crap, she's from another city and even when the girl is from Amsterdam I have a bad logistic as I have no bar around. So the plan is to have a 2 date lays, will set the tone on the 1st date, and invite her home for the 2nd one.

Today, going to the front line, the weather is amazing, will stay 2h, facing my demons, my fears and trying to push myself to do some approaches.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have a date with a Philippina, but I'm 100% sure she'll flake. She didn't actually reply to the date arrangement. And I forgot to follow up. Will probably do later on. As I said, if she doesn't follow through, I'm going out anyway

Also I'm going to sign up for improv classes. I want to improve my communication skills, my ability to improvise and be more fun in general. It's scaring the fuck out of me, and that's why I do it. I know I'll like it and have fun (I already did some theater long time ago), but fuck I hate that feeling of not being good enough, so always having to do shit like that. I'm going out of my comfort zone with this one, the goal is to kill the coward within me.
 
Came back from the front line, stayed 2h, 0 approaches.

The entire time, some questions resonated in my head: Why the fuck am I putting myself through that ? Why the fuck am I obsessed with cold approaching women on the street ? Why can't I let that go ?

I've known the world of SPU (Street Pick Up) since I was around 22-23. I was never really shy, but never really outgoing as well. As with most things, I was average, I could make friends, talk to strangers, had ups and down. But I was always shy with women, romantically. I could be friends with them, but never really more, because I was afraid, despite having a lot of occasions. Then I discovered the PUA world and SPU was always the ultimate challenge for me. I wanted it really bad, but it's also the most terrifying field for me. I tried many, many, many times to break through. I always quitted just to go back to the front line a couple of months, sometimes years later. The idea of being able to engage with anybody, anywhere is so appealing to me. But I feel like it's something that I can't do. I really want to, but I can't.

Why couldn't I have been satisfied with my ex, which had so many qualities that I'm looking for in a women ? Why did I have to break up with her ? I can't let go of that regret. This keeps haunting me, and I don't know how to let it go once and for all.

I felt like a fucking moron walking around, trying to find some women to approach (doesn't help that there wasn't that many... I don't know where to go for high volume of opportunities, the center of Amsterdam is just full of groups of tourists, couples and families).

I think one of the thing that appeal so much to me in SPU is that it takes big fucking balls. It's manly AF, and I have the desire to be a charming individual, someone that stays in the memories of the people that meet him. There might be some egotistical stuff there. But shit, I want to radiate positivity, and give people a good time. I want to be a giver of good vibe, I feel so fucking far from it now.

I'm fucking angry, frustrated by that weekend.

I'm giving myself 4 1/5 months, to make myself able to cold approach. That means go out at least 3x/weeks to cold approach. I'll take advantage of the summer time, people are staying our later so I can easily go out after work and find people. If by the end of the 4 1/5 months I'm still not able to cold approach somewhat regularly, even with some AA, then I'll let that go forever, and focus on something else, meeting women differently.

Really feel down right now. Fuck all of this.
 
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