- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
Hmmm.
Friday & Saturday were quite poor days due to really shit sleep. Last night, however, I slept just fine. And feel quite good. Good enough to be productive and focused.
Fri & Sat were both scattered and poor days. I sucked. I was sleep deprived, yes, but I did my best to get things done. At best, I got some meagre level of work done.
Sex drive has been nuts lately.
I am recovering from my HT, but couldn't help but jump on the online dating apps Friday night I ran 3 boosts on Tinder, 2 on Bumble, and did a lot of swipes on Hinge. All in some sort of lustful fervour, a red mist of desire floating over me which seldom, if ever, have I seen since my early 20s. This is good, it's indicative of some positive results from my wellness work, but should have been controlled. I attribute the lack of impulse control to sleep deprivation.
Anyway, message one of the matches. She exchanges. Try to get her out Friday night, she seems receptive, but claims it's too late (930/10pm). She says another time. I suggest tomorrow. She agrees.
Wake up Sat, after another night of terrible sleep, waking up several times. I am feeling so scattered and terrible. Having surgery is a major trauma to the body, it needs about 30 days to feel 'normal'. There are weird stress responses happening. My heart is racing like september's when the Slavs were at the door. It's just a bit of a stressful thing. Nonetheless, I do my best.
Anyway, I am still dealing with an absurd sex drive. This has just sprang on me out of nowhere. I've not been like this for years.....
I text the chick mentioned above - let the records show, she was a chubber, but looked passable. Barely. But passable. A 4.5, maybe a 5 on a particular good day.
.....Maybe.
My scale is a bit different from most. I am transparent about the poor quality I tend to attract. I deal with it and get on with my life. The gym isn't going anywhere, and in a year my hair will look banging.
She wants to see me today. We bat back and fourth around the time, she agrees to 9. Straight to crib. Tell her to text me when she's leaving. She agrees. That gives me time to get my work done, and relax in the evening.
A few hours pass, and she wants to move it to 8. I tease a little, but agree. Fine.
It's now 7. I haven't heard anything from her telling me she's left. 8 Rolls by. Nothing.
"Just checking you're OK?"
She goes online, then nada.
Nothing. She doesn't turn up of course, but I could sense it. I sit down with a copy of Street Hustle and just spend the evening educating myself.
Been here many, many times. It's simply the game. I shake it off. You can't be half a gangster, If you're in this game, you accept all the emotional turbulence that comes and play it anyway. Girls flake. Girls stand you up. Girls seem interested, then ghost. You hook up, and get ONSd. FWBs can be tight, then just go weird on you and fade away. Nothing is constant. It's all up in the air, fleeting, effervescent. Ethereal, like a spiders web, as intricately as you may spin the web of your game life, a disinterested infant running their their parent's garden can render it all null and void.
But through this comes armour building, resilience, and mental fortitude.
In addition to the above, the leads I have generated in the 8 days post-HT have been very weak. Upon asking them to grab a drink with me, they skirt the question, switch topics, and talk about something else entirely. Quality wise, they are all chubbers. A 4.5, or perhaps less at a cursory glance. Which is not, of course, great. I am stoic about the prospect of having to continue to seek the affection of women I do not find physically attractive. Frankly, this is a strange experience. But nonetheless, it is what it is. I am fine with it. What is the alternative? There isn't one.
My FWB has been very quiet since my HT, and seldom texts. Her responses are now very low effort. I propose we hang out in 2 weeks time, and she tells me something has come up and she can't do that week. I think she is now on her way out, and has possibly just become bored, or may have found another prospect. So be it, wish her all the best either way. I have a kind of respect for her, and am grateful she did spend time with me. A few months of being with her was more effective than all the person centred therapy, energy healing, cranial sacral therapy, reiki, among other things that I did. If I don't see her again or hear from her, I will be a bit sad. But this has been the truth I have learned in my own journey.
Women really are fleeting. There is no permanence in the world of woman. There is no solution, there is no hope for a brighter day. There is no use putting your time into thinking about a way to make it better. You have these experiences to grow, evolve your mindset.
The journey must point inwards to you. At the centre of the journey, is you, and the man you become. Period.
Man is made to toil. As a man, you must work. We are born to till the fields, harvest the crops, hunt and gather. To sustain the tribe. That is what flips our reward circuits.
It is about becoming successful. I see this clearly now, and it has done a lot for my psychological health.
Masculine order. Female chaos. The two foundational forces. We must learn to live in our own masculine reality IMO, and ground ourselves within it.
That's enough of that.
___________
For whatever reason, this did bring up feelings of melancholia. The clear time-wasting and seeking of ego validation, whilst a bit annoying, is normal. But also witnessing the dying embers of a FWB relationship is a bit sad. I won't lie.
I sat in an ice bath for 20 mins and just thought about this year. How I was so lost in Jan, and lost my virginity anyway. I thought about how I ran through the streets exploring the really great city. The highs, which were amazing, as well as the infernal lows. It felt as if I had lived many lifetimes, in just one year.
I was able to drive so much data through my brain. And I did evolve.
That's good. I like that. The development of better overall capacity and competence will trump everything else.
Working on your mission, trying to make money, travelling, having positive experiences, all this matters the most.
Back to work. That is where I do best. Focusing and moving the needle toward.
MAC
Friday & Saturday were quite poor days due to really shit sleep. Last night, however, I slept just fine. And feel quite good. Good enough to be productive and focused.
Fri & Sat were both scattered and poor days. I sucked. I was sleep deprived, yes, but I did my best to get things done. At best, I got some meagre level of work done.
Sex drive has been nuts lately.
I am recovering from my HT, but couldn't help but jump on the online dating apps Friday night I ran 3 boosts on Tinder, 2 on Bumble, and did a lot of swipes on Hinge. All in some sort of lustful fervour, a red mist of desire floating over me which seldom, if ever, have I seen since my early 20s. This is good, it's indicative of some positive results from my wellness work, but should have been controlled. I attribute the lack of impulse control to sleep deprivation.
Anyway, message one of the matches. She exchanges. Try to get her out Friday night, she seems receptive, but claims it's too late (930/10pm). She says another time. I suggest tomorrow. She agrees.
Wake up Sat, after another night of terrible sleep, waking up several times. I am feeling so scattered and terrible. Having surgery is a major trauma to the body, it needs about 30 days to feel 'normal'. There are weird stress responses happening. My heart is racing like september's when the Slavs were at the door. It's just a bit of a stressful thing. Nonetheless, I do my best.
Anyway, I am still dealing with an absurd sex drive. This has just sprang on me out of nowhere. I've not been like this for years.....
I text the chick mentioned above - let the records show, she was a chubber, but looked passable. Barely. But passable. A 4.5, maybe a 5 on a particular good day.
.....Maybe.
My scale is a bit different from most. I am transparent about the poor quality I tend to attract. I deal with it and get on with my life. The gym isn't going anywhere, and in a year my hair will look banging.
She wants to see me today. We bat back and fourth around the time, she agrees to 9. Straight to crib. Tell her to text me when she's leaving. She agrees. That gives me time to get my work done, and relax in the evening.
A few hours pass, and she wants to move it to 8. I tease a little, but agree. Fine.
It's now 7. I haven't heard anything from her telling me she's left. 8 Rolls by. Nothing.
"Just checking you're OK?"
She goes online, then nada.
Nothing. She doesn't turn up of course, but I could sense it. I sit down with a copy of Street Hustle and just spend the evening educating myself.
Been here many, many times. It's simply the game. I shake it off. You can't be half a gangster, If you're in this game, you accept all the emotional turbulence that comes and play it anyway. Girls flake. Girls stand you up. Girls seem interested, then ghost. You hook up, and get ONSd. FWBs can be tight, then just go weird on you and fade away. Nothing is constant. It's all up in the air, fleeting, effervescent. Ethereal, like a spiders web, as intricately as you may spin the web of your game life, a disinterested infant running their their parent's garden can render it all null and void.
But through this comes armour building, resilience, and mental fortitude.
In addition to the above, the leads I have generated in the 8 days post-HT have been very weak. Upon asking them to grab a drink with me, they skirt the question, switch topics, and talk about something else entirely. Quality wise, they are all chubbers. A 4.5, or perhaps less at a cursory glance. Which is not, of course, great. I am stoic about the prospect of having to continue to seek the affection of women I do not find physically attractive. Frankly, this is a strange experience. But nonetheless, it is what it is. I am fine with it. What is the alternative? There isn't one.
My FWB has been very quiet since my HT, and seldom texts. Her responses are now very low effort. I propose we hang out in 2 weeks time, and she tells me something has come up and she can't do that week. I think she is now on her way out, and has possibly just become bored, or may have found another prospect. So be it, wish her all the best either way. I have a kind of respect for her, and am grateful she did spend time with me. A few months of being with her was more effective than all the person centred therapy, energy healing, cranial sacral therapy, reiki, among other things that I did. If I don't see her again or hear from her, I will be a bit sad. But this has been the truth I have learned in my own journey.
Women really are fleeting. There is no permanence in the world of woman. There is no solution, there is no hope for a brighter day. There is no use putting your time into thinking about a way to make it better. You have these experiences to grow, evolve your mindset.
The journey must point inwards to you. At the centre of the journey, is you, and the man you become. Period.
Man is made to toil. As a man, you must work. We are born to till the fields, harvest the crops, hunt and gather. To sustain the tribe. That is what flips our reward circuits.
It is about becoming successful. I see this clearly now, and it has done a lot for my psychological health.
Masculine order. Female chaos. The two foundational forces. We must learn to live in our own masculine reality IMO, and ground ourselves within it.
That's enough of that.
___________
For whatever reason, this did bring up feelings of melancholia. The clear time-wasting and seeking of ego validation, whilst a bit annoying, is normal. But also witnessing the dying embers of a FWB relationship is a bit sad. I won't lie.
I sat in an ice bath for 20 mins and just thought about this year. How I was so lost in Jan, and lost my virginity anyway. I thought about how I ran through the streets exploring the really great city. The highs, which were amazing, as well as the infernal lows. It felt as if I had lived many lifetimes, in just one year.
I was able to drive so much data through my brain. And I did evolve.
That's good. I like that. The development of better overall capacity and competence will trump everything else.
Working on your mission, trying to make money, travelling, having positive experiences, all this matters the most.
Back to work. That is where I do best. Focusing and moving the needle toward.
MAC
you went from like a 3 (sorry but that's my opinion) to a 7 (though in the video you look like a 6 which still better looking than me)
