THE PHOENIX PROJECT: WEEK 10
This chapter of my life, I call winning.
Some things in life are beautiful.
There are moments that unfold, experiences we gain, sights we behold, and knowledge we gained through contemplation that is special.
They’re things that move you deep inside, because you know, damn man, what just happened was something special.
You might call these moments of awe.
You might call them ecstatic experiences.
They’ve been known by different labels since time immemorial, but we have always know there are moments of transcendence that can occur in life where truth is unveiled and we are graced by the divine.
For us as men, some things are sacred.
When you first learned to shave.
Your first car.
Getting over some fear, overcoming some obstacle. Plucking up the courage to take yourself beyond your comfort zone.
But some victories are truly formative.
They hit you, and you’re gone.
One of those, my brothers, is, I hold, the males right of passage.
When a man is able to put aside all doubt, insecurity, and know who he is as a man, so he can share himself with a lady and be sexually intimate.
This week, on Saturday the 29th of January, 2022, something happened for me that was truly beautiful. I had sex with a girl through the power of my own masculinity, and I am fighting back the tears as I type this.
I got my first lay at 30 years young.
After trying for 12 years, TWELVE FUCKING LONG, LONG YEARS, I got my first fucking lay.
ARGH there are tears about to start but I am pushing them down.
On every heroes journey, there comes a time when the Seeker of Truth is lifted up in their spirit to become more than they were.
It is a time when the Universe says to the committed Seeker: “Your diligence, hard work and commitment have satisfied me. You have earned the right to go further. Now, prove yourself”
I have worked my fucking ass off to get to where I am today.
And yesterday, all my work, all the fucking dedication I have shown, day in, day out, for almost a fucking year here, paid off and paid off big.
I DEDICATE THIS POST TO MY BROTHERS, TO THE MEN OF THE KYIL COMMUNITY WHO HAVE BELIEVED IN ME WHEN I DID NOT BELIEVE IN MYSELF, WHO SAW VALUE IN ME WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID, AND WHO PICKED ME UP TIME AND TIME AGAIN WHEN I WAS DAMN NEAR BROKEN AND LOST WITH NOWHERE ELSE TO GO
IF I GO ON AND ACHIEVE THE AMBITIOUS GOALS I HAVE IN MY LIFE, KNOW THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU MEN THAT THIS MAN WAS ABLE TO TURN HIMSELF AROUND
A 180 DEGREE TURN: THE HORROR DATE EXPERIENCE OF DATE #11 TO THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY WHOLE LIFE
It is truly unbelievable to me how fast we can go from Hell to Heaven. It boggles the mind, truly, it leaves me speechless.
Date #11 was an ugly experience, bros. It was the worst dating experience and experience with a woman I have ever had, period.
It took place on Friday, and it really was terrible. She was an awful person. Really. She said things that were so weird, went on and on about how she is so cold-hearted and doesn’t even like men. She left me feeling awful. I went for the kiss on the date, which she declined, but I pulled her back to mine, where after more chat, she told me she didn’t see anything physical happening between us. This was one the 2nd failed pull that week. I asked her a question about why she even bothered to come to my place if she doesn’t do physical intimacy and doesn’t even like men, and it triggered her. Bad. She stormed off out of my place. It was nasty. I was quite drunk. I don’t tend to get drunk. Really horrible emotions washed over me, and I bitched and complained something awful on the coaching group.
Again, I was drunk, emotional, and said things I shouldn’t have said about how pissed I am that girls do things like this to me. I was so pissed that girls make it hard for me, they don’t treat me well, they don’t show investment in me and I always hear they don’t see anything happening between us. Whining is never good, because it shows a lack of stoicism. Andy had been a star in the coaching call a few days prior and did some great work with me. He followed up and did some really good work with me again on the coaching group on stoicism and remaining composed.
But my head was ablaze with self doubt and honestly, I am very sorry to say this, but when drunk and so pissed off after this date, I doubted myself at a level I have never done before on my journey. I even questioned why I am even here trying, and importantly, whether it was even worth it.
The truth is, I was drunk, emotional, had a damn stressful week, was underslept, and failed two pulls, with the second one being really shitty to me. Of course I didn’t have to blow a fuse, but perhaps it is human and natural that I did this time.
Nonetheless, I have a lot to learn, this is my redshirt year, and I will continue to grow as man.
DATE 4 W/ DANISH GIRL: THE PERFECT DATE & A TRULY MAGICAL EVENING – IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STARS (HOW I ‘OFFICIALLY’ GOT MY FIRST LAY)
Saturday morning comes, and my heart is heavy. I was feeling stressed and quite low emotionally, I knew I had one thing going for me.
At 11:45am, I would be going on date 4 with Danish girl.
I left my apartment at 10am and was feeling flat. I had very limited sleep, and don’t tend to sleep well when I’ve drank. Which is why I tend not to drink much. The experience of date #11 left me quite stressed. But as I walked further and further, a peace bloomed in my weary heart.
The more I walked, the closer I got to her, the more the pain ebbed away.
Danish girl called me at 10:40 to let me know she was there, and how she was waiting in the ticket holders line next to the non-ticket holders line which was about a 2hr queue! We laughed. She tells me she hopes I’m not cold, and that we will atleast be able to go in right away.
I arrive right on time, and she gives me a hug hug, kisses me, and asks me how I am.
At that moment, the stress, the anger, the negative experiences this week of failed pulls, ghosting, flaking, and just wondering how the hell I am ever going to get to my goals this year just washed off me.
She held me tight and I felt so valued. She breathed life into me. It was beautiful.
Danish girl planned it all for me. She booked us tickets to see a fantastic exhibition at The Natural History Museum. My location is simply prime and just after a short walk, so many absolutely brilliant things are on my doorstep.
I told her about my week, how stressful work has been with a member of my project team bitching about my handling of a project, which caused a project’s political lead to panic and escalate to HR. A lot of shit happened work wise that was annoying, but part of the job, and I had to remain professional in the face of this nonsense. But it did stress me. And she listened to me empathetically, grabbed my hand, pressed it and said “I’m sorry work has been stressful, are you OK?”. Moments like that with her hit me deep. We enter the exhibition, and the date is a really fun time.
I really like how she is touching me, feeling me, and just listening to me and enjoying my presence. It feels really good to me.
The exhibition is wonderful we’re there from 11am til about 2.
We leave at 2, and she has planned to take me to a Danish bakery nearby. We walk over, and it’s in just a lovely part of London. Kensington is stunning and regal. It looks like an Empire.
She buys me lunch, which included a lovely Danish spandauer.
I’m loving the experience of seeing this girl, of enjoying different things together and building new, positive memories that allow the past to fade and for a brighter future to be realised.
We finish lunch, and I ask what’s next. She tells me she has arranged for us to go to her place, and for me to watch her try on lingerie for her photoshoot tomorrow.
I tell her I would really love that, and she is really beaming.
We get the bus at around 430pm.
We arrive at 515 after a fun chat on the bus. When we get off the bus, she tells me she wants to buy us some water. She buys us two bottles, and we go back to hers.
We talk for a while, settle down, chit chat a bit, and then start making out. She then puts her hands underneath my hoody and starts feeling my chest. She then puts her hands underneath my vest.
And then, at that moment, I realised.
HOLY SHIT….I AM ABOUT TO GET LAID
I knew it was about to happen.
I knew my time had come.
I knew I had arrived, and I was about to taste the glory of success. The moment I dreamed of arriving at when I was 18.
I stand up, take off my top. My body is looking good. She seems me, runs her hands over my chest, over my midsection, and she is really drawn. She starts kising my chest, my midsection, rubbing me.
At that moment, I felt a tremendous, glowing sense of pride for what I have done with my body, and the hard work I have put in the gym, and on my diet, had paid off.
I stop her. Take off my jeans, Take off my pants. My cock is looking hard as fuck..
MAC’S FIRST LIFETIME LAY @ 30 YEARS YOUNG
Now, it is time for me to become a man
WE HAD REALLY, REALLY HOT SEX FOR FOUR HOURS!!!!
Now is the moment of truth, the moment I have been waiting for, and I cannot help but think to myself, holy shit, this could not have gone any better than it has gone. I cannot believe this girl has done what she has done for me. I cannot believe she has essentially pulled me an taken the lead here. I could not have asked for a better person to explore intimacy with than her.
I fumble around in my wallet for what felt like an eternity for a condom. I find it, and go to put it on. In my total inexperience, I do not even know how to put a condom on correctly, and I totally mess it up.
That was my one and only condom. And now, I am thinking to myself: what the hell do I do?
Danish girl is so kind, so compassionate, and so understanding.
“I was not expecting to be having sex with anyone here, but I do have a pack of condoms, so please don’t worry”
She has a box of condoms buried somewhere. She takes off the plastic, and she places one on my hard cock. She gets it on well, and this time, I actually understand how to put one on. Again, I am so thankful for her.
Then, we get into it. This was really a special time for me. It was the best thing that has happened to me in my whole life. She is my first, and I really appreciate her. She gave me something no other human being ever gave me. And for this, I will be eternally grateful for her until my dying breath.
Our sex was absolutely mindblowing.
We did a lot of foreplay, a lot of kissing, then I played with her boobs – her nipples are so sensitive. I make her cum from just licking her nipple, she is convulsing and almost screaming. It takes all my muscle power and my long, 6 ft 5 frame overpowering her to keep her down and she gets to a point where she is going nuts. It’s so hot it’s unbelievable.
At this point, her pussy is to wet it’s absurd. She tells me she is so wet for me, she asks me to feel her. And she’s not wrong.
Then, as Timmy says, it was time to LAY PIPE.
And LAY PIPE I did.
I fucked her for a good amount of time. 30-45 mins. It was so hot, and she was absurdly into it. So was I. We are making deep eye contact and making out on and off the whole time. I have no issues with any stamina or dick hardness, despite my inexperience, I am able to fuck her good and long and really get her off. I am honestly stoked about this.
Eventually, I am long stroking her and just cum really hard while gazing deep into her big blue eyes. It was a powerful experience, she drained me, I collapse on her, and we make out like crazy.
My cock is still in her, rock hard, after 5-10 mins of making out. I get up and tell her I am going to take the condom off and clean myself up. She asks me if I want to take a shower. I politely decline, and head to her bathroom.
I pull off the condom. I cannot believe what just happened.
I look at my physique, and in the lighting, damn I look so good. My chest is looking more and more developed, and with the lighting, I can see how my abs would look when they’re fully out. My abdominal plate is really well developed from years of daily core work, even when I was fat, I never stop my processes.
I just look at myself, totally naked in the home of a lovely, cute girl who has cared about me and taken so much time to really make me feel so good, and just cannot believe how far I have come as a man.
I think to myself, MAC, this is the man you always wanted to become. This is the man you wanted to be. You wanted to be this guy since the time you were a small child. You never gave up, you never compromised. A pride welled up in my chest.
I stride out the bathoom, cock still throbbing hard, and we keep going.
We do lots more stuff. I make her cum for the 2nd time. I finger her, she talks dirty to me, calls me Daddy, we do all sorts of nasty stuff, and then she pretty much tells me I can do whatever I want to her and just asks me what I want.
We do some pretty nasty stuff which I won’t disclose but I cum so hard and almost cannot even stand up, I steady myself and then I sit back on her bed, before totally collapsing convulsing.
Holy fucking shit, I think to myself, I’ve just watched this chick swallow my cum.
We both clean up, and then we cuddle and talk for a further 2hrs.
The TV is on, we’re holding each other super, super tight, kissing each other all over.
And then we get another round in.
I ask her what she wants and I do some nasty stuff on her. I finger her, I eat her out, and when I am going down on her, she blurts out “I love you”.
I laugh to myself and keep going. If only she knew, she is my first….I just smile to myself.
And boys, you know what else? At the end, she actually THANKED me.
She did things to me that just felt unbelievable. She kissed me everywhere. Everywhere. Kissed my hands, sucked my fingers, she was absolutely loving he. It felt so good it cannot be described.
Yes, this was my first lay, I make the girl cum twice, I fuck her for 4hrs, and she fucking tells me she loves me, and THANKS ME at the end.
I just cannot believe it.
In the first podcast I did with Andy, he gave me a lot to think about, and he said after I get my first lay, what may really help my development is asking girls questions while cuddling.
So I did.
Danish girl and I cuddled for about an hour and a half after sex and we asked each other lots of questions. I asked her questions related to things that have bothered me when it comes to girls:
‘When you’re on a date with a girl, and at the end she tells you she doesn’t feel the connection, what does that mean?’
‘What is online dating like for a girl?’
‘What kind of guys do you like? What are you attracted to in a guy?’
‘Are nightclubs a good place to meet people?’
‘What do you like sexually? What turns you on in bed?’
“What do you find attractive about me?”
“Were you attracted to me when you met me?”
She told me a lot, and it was actually so, so insightful, I will write a seperate post about it. But she did tell me some interesting things about myself as a man: she said she actually liked my height a lot (she’s 5 ft 10, I’m 6 ft 5). She also said she likes my eyes a lot, and that they’re really, really big, and I have a deep and intense ‘glare’ that she is turned on by a lot. She also said she likes black hair, because dark hair is rare in Denmark.
For so long, when it came to women, I thought they saw me as nothing.
I thought, shit, maybe I am nothing.
And I do not think that any more.
Danish girl has showed me that I am something. And for this, I am grateful beyond words.
No one will ever know how much of a big deal this is for me.
No one will ever know the times I lay in bed crying in my early 20s because no girls liked me.
No one could know the pain my soul suffered when all the other boys were enjoying life with their girlfriends, and I didn’t have anyone to call my own.
No one could understand the pain that would wash over me when I lived with guys who were getting girls all the time, and I had nothing.
I lived a life full of doubts of myself as a man, I hid my dark secret from the world and kept a brave face for so many years, but I was dying inside and being a sexless and invisible male was killing me at every leve. So sinfully untouched, my needs were deeply unmet, and it drove me quite literally to the very limits of my sanity and took me to the darkest places the human psyche can go.
I failed time and time again.
I tried over and over again.
I judged myself harshly, developed low self esteem, began to see myself as ugly, began to think it was going to be impossible for me to have a dating and sex life, began to think I just didn’t have the goods.
AND I TOOK A PERSON THAT FUCKED UP
AND TURNED HIM INTO THIS MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE
I DID IT THROUGH BROTHERHOOD AND GROUP SUPPORT
I DID IT THROUGH GETTING COACHING, MENTORSHIP, LEARNING AND EXPERIMENTING
AND MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I DID IT THROUGH OLD SKOOL, BLUE COLLAR, TRADITIONAL BALLS TO THE WALL WORK ETHIC THAT CUTS ALL THE WAY TO THE BONE
YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL IN THIS WORLD OTHER THAN THE ABILITY TO TRULY GRIND. YOU CAN GO FROM NOTHING TO SOMETHING WITH NOTHING ELSE BUT THE ABILITY TO GRIND.
You are not put in this world to suffer, and you are not put here to be on the side lines, invisible.
I am a humble student of self improvement and a man on a mission to become successful. I learn new things from my mentors, Andy, The Bastard, and Radical, all the time.
I don’t know a lot, but one thing I fucking promise you and am willing to bet the house on is this:
TO BECOME BETTER IN LIFE, YOU HAVE TO GO ON THE ATTACK. YOU HAVE TO THROW YOURSELF AT YOUR GOAL LIKE A MAN POSSESSED AND ATTACK IT WITH EVERY BIT OF ENERGY YOU HAVE GOT, WITH EVERY PIECE OF GRIT AND DETERMINATION THAT IS IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL
TRUE RELENTLESSNESS IS A SUPERPOWER. WHY? BECAUSE NOTHING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD IS ABLE TO WITHSTAND A FORCE THAT IS TRULY RELENTLESS. NOTHING! THE FURY OF THE STREAM ERODES STONE AND CARVE THROUGH MOUNTAINS TO LEAVE CANYONS THAT ECHO INTO ETERNITY.
The attitude you have to have is this: YOU CANNOT STOP ME. Even if you break me down until there is nothing left, if you leave me with just one breath, you have made the biggest mistake of your life, because what you have failed to understand about me is the spirit I have. And the spirit I have is this: I am going to find something inside of me even when all hope is lost and the prospects are looking fucking disgustingly tough, and I WILL find a way to do the impossible. I will get up, and at that stage, you will know true regret that you left me with one breath, because I will go for your throat.
THE BEST WAY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE IS TO PAY THE PRICE
To become successful in this world, I am willing to sacrifice. To have a beautiful wife and healthy, happy children, I am willing to grind myself into a fucking FINE POWDER. To have serious money in the bank and to live a life of abundance, with successful friends, with travel all over the world, with a happy family life and to leave a positive impact on this world, I am willing to go until my bones crack, until my blood boils, with every ounce of energy I have in my brain and my body. NOTHING WILL STOP ME. NOTHING.
COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, I AN GOING TO SUCCEED
I now have a woman in my life. She really cares about me, I really care about her, and she is healing me a lot. She is making me way happier than I have been in years, and for the first time in my entire life bros, I am beginning to know deep in my heart that I will truly make it in my life. Through all of this, I have maintined 100% honesty, authenticity, and integrity, and in this and all other casual relationships I have, I will always leave girls better off and make them happier, more whole and integrated as people for having known me.
I know it will happen. Because self improvement is the path to victory. It works, because it can’t actually fail. When you live this, when you walk this path and commit yourself wholeheartedly, you heal, you grow, you improve every aspect of your life, and success unfolds.
We get results because of PROCESS. It is up to us to execute the process, every day, and if we do this, with consistency, then over time, the compound effect kicks in, and the Slight Edge takes us to victory.
You can actually baby step your way to legendary level greatness.
CLOSING THOUGHTS: THANK YOU & ONWARDS TO VICTORY
There you go brothers.
We did it.
We actually did it.
Look at the goals in the first post. One by one, we have been achieving things.
Silently, without fanfare, and when no one is watching, we are putting in work like nobodies business and we are building the war machine here that will destroy the enemy once and for all.
How did we outwork God’s plan? Through Personal Responsibility, through Hardcore Accountability (that is fucking REGULAR posts), through Group Support, Massive Action, Discipline, Planning, Structure, Consistency and through Coaching, Mentoring.
My #1 goal for this year is 10 lays in 2022. And I got my first lay in the first month of the year. I now have 9 more lays to achieve my goal for 2022.
Achieving this will be the biggest victory of my life. It will be monumental. And it will set me up to be successful in the other areas of my life.
I am now going to personally thank my Brothers in arms who have gotten me to where I am today and who have transformed my life at every level. Each of these men I have the upmost love and respect for, and I truly enjoy every success they receive in life:
My Mentors
Thebastard
KillYourInnerLoser
Radical
My Brothers In Arms
Crisis_Overcomer
Rags2Bitches
TimmyTurner
pancakemouse
colgate
Jacobpalmer123 palmer123
Dewm
Now
Adam
Zug
SpongeBob
ovnidos
Mafia
Manganiello
Holden
MattsCrib
CainGettingLaid
These men have gotten me where I am today, and for their help, I am eternally grateful.
And it is only just the beginning.
Closing thought: If you ask me, MAC, you tried to get your first lay for 12 years - tell me, was the experience worth it?
Brothers, take it from me in this moment of raw honesty: for this experience last night, ALL THE PAIN, ALL THE SUFFERING, THE DARK NIGHTS OF THE SOUL, THE GRIND I PUT IN, THE DISCIPLINE, THE CONSISTENCY, THE SACRIFICE, IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.
AND IF I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE I HAD LAST NIGHT, I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE.
We will double down, work our fucking dicks off, and keep pushing on to victory.
This is how you Kill Your Inner Loser.
One day, we will make it.
Until then, we grind.
KEEP HAMMERING,
MAC
