seanconneryfan_ said:
I never post on this forum but I’ve been following your log since the first page. These posts where you dive into your anger are normal, regardless of what others might comment. As you said, it’s necessary to genuinely express your pent up emotions to release them and if they can't relate, that's on them. I’m going through a similar phase right now myself. After I fuck a girl, I lay next to her and realize I hate her. I hate that they made fun of my accent as a kid. I hate that I wanted their validation so badly but never knew how to receive it even though it's so easy and feeble to me now. I just hate.
BUT, I notice you are hedging your bet by projecting your current mental models on to your future self. You have to lose yourself in the emotion until you reorient yourself and realize it’s not helpful. The finish line of this process can be a number of things and you have to be able to accept any possibility of the end game. Maybe, after expressing your anger, you come to the conclusion you’ll never be able to depend on a woman the way you want to. Can you accept that?
Basically, what I see is that you have this idea that if you express all this anger you have of women, you’ll eventually be able to love them. I’m saying that once you express this anger, you need to replace your old view of women with something more accurate and up to date. There’s an almost certainty that this up to date view is going to be beyond your current comprehension and definitely not your current view of love— it will greatly impede your progress if you continue trying to fit your current mental model of 'some woman are unicorns' to the world. Accept wherever the journey takes you man. You’ve been working too hard to not shed this anger because in the deepest part of you, you don’t want to hate women. Full heartedly hate women for a bit.
This was a great post man. Honestly man, I appreciate it. The fact you’ve read my log since the start blows me away and I am truly honoured. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This means a lot to me. I thank you for sharing here, that is so brave, and I really respect your opneness. It has helped me a lot, bro.
I will take your advice here, because (a) I also am a big Sean Connery fan, I had posters of him and also Muhammed Ali all over my room in Uni, (b) you’re right.
I hear you bro, really, I do.
Many of us were looking for compassion and humanness in woman, and as you elude to here, with contact that is insensitive and dehumanising, over time, the sickness of woman does wear at you. Like a poison, it does seep into you.
But this is where true masculinity must come to the fore. Unlike them, we cannot wallow in our own mess. We’ll figure out a way to find light even in such darkness.
For myself, old school belief systems coming into contact with the modern whore caused chaos. I was brainwashed and it fucked me.
You see it when you spend PERSONAL TIME with woman. Not at work, with friends, shit like that. When you’re sharing yourself with them, you see it.
Overall, I can accept it. We’re not promised a rose garden. There is no use holding on to old beliefs and living in a fantasy. No amount of my wishing can make a cat a dog or turn blue into yellow. Letting go, detaching, and just accepting objective reality for what it is has helped recently. It makes the process easier.
To answer your question directly: I am able to say I accept that on the other side of this journey, when it comes to woman, my view will need to evolve a lot.
Yes, I am able to say, I can now accept that.
But is that a bad thing? No.
I am just a man in this world.
It is my responsibility to be the best man I can be. It is my responsibility to achieve my goals. So long as I am giving all I can give, I am happy, and proud of myself.
I will express the anger fully. On the other side of that, we’ll see whats what.
I will get to where I need to get to mentally, but I can tell you, any form of emotions I had towards them are now long gone. That’s part of this process man. When you are dealing with these people, you do have to slowly whittle yourself down and allow the emotions, childlike fascination and naivete, and sentimentalism to just wash away. Because you are dealing with a creature that consumes the weak. They’re to be fought tooth and nail and even in the face of such darkness, I’ll find light, trust me on that…..you push into the deepest discomfort again and again, into areas where your consciousness feels like it is about to split, and you just push way, way, way beyond what you even thought is humanly possible, and on the other side, is masculine glory that is felt when you leave it all on the battlefield.
Every single day man, every day I am breathing in this world, I am willing to keep pushing into them making them have to acknowledge me, see me, feel me, hear me, and just deal with that.
While I am breathing, I will make them feel my presence.
MAC
