True grinding from Fri - Now
We put on a show, a party at mine where my friend performed. 50 strangers showed up. Madness.
We also shot 4 scenes for a music video that day.
This was hard work and my battery was spent, went on until 4am with me pulling his choice of 2 girls back for an afterparty at mine, and he didnt hit in the end lol.
One of the chicks was truly human garbage, short obese chick whose been with 800 men and openly propositioned several men, including the videographer who is a married man who complained to me via text at 2am. This chick sincerely disgusted me, she had a thing for black guys and went around talking about how she needs to fuck "2 chocolates" a week. Its OK to have preferences, whilst I do not have them myself for skin colour, I understand some people are attracted to one particular group. I don't really align with this and such people are better off staying away from me. Fetishisation and reducing human beings down to body parts and organs, which is what skin is, is truly sickening to me. To be human is to have a story, a lived experience, flaws, struggles, challenges, all sorts. My group has always been a mixture of men, black, white, Indian, Asian, etc. I typically associate with men of substance and find the idea that someone would not even see any of this, and would not even care, repulsive. This chick was so deluded. She showed me a picture of a guy she asked out, who rejected her, and she told me she has been crying daily for 45-60 mins because of this for 5 months. This guy was tall, very very good looking, had been to an elite Uni and had a senior position in his firm. He politely rejected her, and she was devastated. It makes me sick that women can be so deluded to be literal filth, the scum of the earth, a totally shameless obese whore who has fucked almost a thousand dudes, who truly believed a top-tier dude would settle down with her. In her own mind, as so many men have said yes to her, there is no evidence that anyone could show that would allow her to see the reality of how vile a human being she is.
I prefer to avoid shitbags in life, and I excused myself from her presence. I am a patient person but I find fetishisation dehumanising and somewhat racist. I avoid these people.
Saturday comes around, we're at an awards show. My batteries are fully spent from the party. I go to the show. It's a lot of hustle and graft.
Get in at 2am. My friend moves the stuff hes been storing here out. No more parties here. Bigger venues next.
Sun
Go on a platonic date with a girl I met at the party, who lives 2 mins away. Shes my friends friend, and I know a little bit about her. She doesnt allow anyone to touch her, she has some issues. We just hung out, I found her fascinating and also very pretty. We had a coffee and chilled out by the river. Was great. Chilled for 2hrs, and she departed.
Nothing more worth mentioning. Yes, she really does not allow even a finger to be placed on her, and let me know this immediately. We'll not talk anymore about why. Its just part of being human.
I just wanted to walk down the street with someone I had some interest in. It felt GREAT. She obv doesnt like me, and I dont think I'll be able to see her again. But it was a nice experience for me.
Today was soent mostly recovering, my brain feels frazzled.
I basically took Sunday off and listened to interesting audio and read.
I have been having quite a bit of conflict with himself and the realities of my situation. I look at the types of chick I someone get matches with, they're the undesirable sort of woman, so fat and not pretty. And I think to myself, dude, what if in the world of dating, I am the fat chick? What if I am that undesirable and ugly person?
It has dawned on me recently that I am probably getting the results I deserve. I am probably uglier than I thought. It doesn't hurt or sting. It is totally fair enough. I can accept it. because I have done a lot to make myself better looking. I'll keep working at it of course but increasingly I am made aware of the truth of one's romantic outcomes, the true superficiality of women, and how self improvement will kind of show you the brutal reality of life
As Goggins says, life aint always 75 and sunny.
Sometimes it's a bitch. You just gut up and do what needs to be done regardless.
I think some of us develop unrealistic expectations. Along the way in my life, I developed the belief that one day, I could have a partner I feel attraction for. There was absolutely no evidence this would be attainable for me.
This, I'll tell you, was not a realistic goal at all.
Throughout the process I've lived here I have become a bit more aware of life's realities and in relation to women, the harshness of it. You can want better outcomes with perfect utlity. It does not mean you will get them. Nothing is guaranteed. Not all problems can be solved.
Increasingly, I am becoming aligned with the perspective that one should not expect results when they are doing things like self improvement.
Instead, you find meaning in the process of doing the work.
I am grateful for what I have achieved and how hard I have pushed mysef. I am sad about the things I have realised about how life works for a lower SMV guy. It is a very unfortunate thing. A mindset shift will come in time. I can tell you I am already beginning to simply care less and just feel more numb. I have cared so little about the last few flakes I didn't even mention them. I actually just laughed.
Here's some outputs from my last photoshoot. Was a bit meh. Will upload to IG and other places.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/18VMOrCk3QB12QAEFm7HhozgY8o4btFxB?usp=sharing
I'm quite frazzled and tired.
Will be back tomorrow.
MAC
