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Svadhishthana's log

Svadhishthana said:
We go back to my place, clothes come off. She's not super expressive - I think she was somewhat nervous - but she got into it. Gave really good head, was really tight, and had a nice ass. She said doggy was her favorite position, and - something I'd never experienced before - she could straight up fuck me in that position. Like, I just hang out and she does all the work. This was partly amazing, and partly concerning, because goddammit now I can't pace myself!
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Love this. I've only had a couple girls in my life that could straight up throw it back on me in doggy, and my lord is it fun.
 
Svadhishthana said:
So spent some time last night and this morning just sort of feeling sorry for myself. I had matches I hadn't messaged on tinder and hinge, and was just thinking - "Dude, what's even the point? You should be focusing on other things right now anyway."

Which is true. But also I set up a date with a cute girl for tomorrow. Lol.
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Lol, I'd say it's defo normal to feel sorry for yourself a bit when things don't go how you wanted/expected but the fact you went immediately into another date shows you've got a strong level of abundance for sure. You're killing it
 
Thanks guys! I really am stoked about my progress - just gotta remember to remember it sometimes, lol.

Log Update:

Really fell off the fuckin wagon lately. Holidays plus being sick plus the stress of actually putting my first offer in... Actually thought I might have a minor case of covid for a bit, but the test came back negative. Been eating like absolute garbage. Drinking too much socially, but thankfully not alone. Deleted another Reddit account this morning - currently fighting the urge to open up the browser and just scroll endlessly. And of course, that results in late nights and shit sleep.

I think part of it is that I built up being able to start offering in my head. Figured it would just consume all my time. But it's really more of an emotional load than a time load - I check listings a couple times per day, text my agent to check places out in person that will work, and then that's all I can really do. And with the market being this slow, I'm only looking at a handful of places each week. So what happened is I had this implicit assumption that all my time would be taken up, and then had nothing to do, so I filled that time with garbage.

So yeah, time to get back on track. What *can* I do?

Life assessment -

1) Financial Independence.

Work is more or less on autopilot, though I've been slacking. Sleeping better and getting off Reddit will improve performance here.

Current place is pretty much on auto pilot right now. Only issue is the garage door will need to be replaced - hopefully I can find some sketchball to sell me a cheap used one or something.

STR - keep an eye on the market and move fast to get a good place when it comes available.

However, getting a place is only the first crux on the STR front. Once I get it, I'll need to rehab, furnish, and market it. These seem like the four big lifts to making this work. I can't do much about buying other than being ready to move on a deal. Rehabbing I feel pretty confident in. Furnishing and marketing are my weak spots, so in the meantime I could read up on the topics get a feel for what I should do there. I should find some books on the topics to get a foundational understanding, and then start following some blogs or podcasts or forums to get a feel for details.

2) Health and Fitness

Near all the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone. Need to start meal prepping again and stop eating fast food. Working out is going good, but I need more sport specific training to improve for South America and to provide feedback to ensure my PT is working. Also, I should start tracking my PT to measure improvements over time. Sleep, as always, is the crux.

3) Girls
This is on autopilot. Right now I'm kinda burned out on going hard on just churning through girls that I may or may not be that into. What I really want here is to upgrade my OLD profile and to get over AA. But I'm concerned that trying to add those lifts into my life when I already have a lot of higher priority balls in the air is a recipe for overload. Cancelled my Hinge membership and haven't boosted in a while - just gonna swipe when I'm bored and be happy with the occasional girl wandering into my bed. Think of it as consolidation of what I've learned.

Ok, so I'm gonna get back on top of checking my daily to do list. And then also today
- Work on fixing that garage door
- Meal prep
- Make one last push with fixing my bike myself before I throw in the towel and take it to a mechanic
- Search for books on interior design in general, and interior design for STRs specifically, and a book on real estate photography in general and for STRs specifically.

Thank God I took Fridays off.
 
Haven't been posting as frequently due to life just being crazy, and stress kicking my ass. LOTS of bad habits coming out of the woodwork with possibly going another several hundred thousand dollars in debt for the next 30 years. But one last push to get it done...

However, had a nice break with

LAY 11

Was just idylly swiping. Haven't boosted in a while. Match with this girl, she follows the script. Says she's looking for a fwb. She's 21, asks how old I am, and I tell her - she mentions I'm a lot older than her, but doesn't care.

She shows up on the date. She's cute in a nerdy sort of way, and seems really excited. We both have a drink, the conversation is really good - she's good at filling in gaps. She just started college in town after spending several years at a prestigious circus school - my type of girl. A weirdo. I suggest heading to my place, she's down. She's wearing baggy clothes, but I feel her up in the parking lot and I'm like "aw yeah, this is gonna be good."

Back to my place, clothes come off. Holy shit she's hot. Nice tits, nice ass, tight core. AND she's amazingly sensitive. I go down on her, she blows me, we fuck. I make her cum 4 times until she's too sore to keep going. We cuddle for a bit, and then she gives me a bj/hj until I cum in her mouth. Apparently I bullseye'd her uvula and she immediately gags and starts coughing. We have a laugh about that and cuddle for a bit more. She suggests tying her up next time... Fuck yeah. Next date set up for next Monday.

Log Update:

House buying process is rolling along. Slight issue with the amount of water the well produces, but I expect there are some workarounds I can implement here. Just trying to chill out through this whole process and keep checking the boxes in the other parts of my life. Will probably return to going dark for a while while I sort out paperwork and start prepping to move and start the flip. Almost there.
 
Hey folks - just dashing this off real quick.

Saw the girl from my last post again. We made the date for Monday, but she points out the spot I chose is closed Monday. Problem with my side of town is that seemingly everything is closed Mondays - scrambling, I find a kinda divey bar that sells burgers. We show up and it's actually a cool spot - has occasional concerts, and has N64s at all the tables. We split a burger and have a couple drinks, flirt, and I destroy her on Mario Kart.

I swear, this girl seems to destroy every notion that age gap relationships are weird or creepy that I had in my head. We're just two people who have the hots for each other, hanging out. Occasionally, one of us makes a cultural reference the other doesn't get, and we just laugh at the age gap.

Go back to my place. She mentioned last time I should tie her up, so I oblige. Make her cum 3 times - she is *so* sensitive. Her orgasms are so intense that on the last one I'm concerned she's having a seizure. Then we lay around and pillow talk for a while, it's getting late, and she's getting up to leave.

I'm putting my pants on, and she pulls me back onto the bed. I figure she feels bad I haven't cum yet, so I start pressing into her pussy, but she says not yet. Ok, she needs some warming up - I start kissing down her body, aiming to give her oral, but when I get low, she jerks away, apologizes, and says she can't do anything else.

Kind of abrupt - feels like something's wrong. So I tell her it's no problem, don't do anything you don't want to do, ask her if everything's ok. She says it's fine. I walk her back to her car, we make out a bit more, and make vague plans to see each other again after Christmas.

When she gets home, she texts and says she's sorry for making it weird. She wants to see me again, but has a thing about being kissed on the hips. I say it's fine, and ask if there's anything else I should know about. She says no.

On Christmas Eve she texts me, letting me know she got covid from her step mom, and her period is starting soon. Also, her dog had to get surgery. The number of issues here is almost enough to make me think she's fucking with me or ghosting me. But then she starts talking about how she was holding her arms in the position I tied her up in before and was enjoying the position again. We start talking kink again. She says she wants to do suspensions and a MFF with me. Jesus Christ this girl is awesome.

I think I'm in love. Fuck. Alright guys, spray me down - how do I not scare her off, but also not make her think I've lost interest?

Also, any recs on music to fuck girls to? NoFx and The Devil Makes Three don't exactly set the mood.

Meanwhile, big setback on the financial front. The well on the property I was under contract for simply did not produce enough water to provide for a short term rental - 150 gallons per day. I looked into every option I could think of to work around this - storage (doesn't solve the input/output problem), water delivery (very expensive), fracking (expensive and no guarantees), drilling a new well (expensive and no guarantees), water recycling (heavily regulated, tech is not mature), and eventually came to the heartbreaking conclusion that I would have to give this place up. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. So now I'm back on the market, looking at stupid overpriced places hoping I can sneak a good offer in on one, and hoping the market doesn't collapse under me right after I do it.

Today, just finished cleaning the house to welcome my friend, who will be taking my room tomorrow. I'll be moving into my van in the driveway in the meantime until I can lock down a house again, do I guess it's time to see how the girlies like it. Tonight's my last night in the master bedroom - hoping to turn it into another lay with this pole dancer girl I matched with.

Ngl, the house stuff is really stressing me out. There's just huge unknowns. Lots of money on the line, and the whole future of my life. I *have* to make this work. It's been feeling lately like I have a gun to my head, constantly running halfway across the state to possibly gamble half a million dollars on a pile of sticks and rocks.

But yesterday I had a moment of clarity. I'd just done a drive-by of a place I'd seen online, where I almost slid into a ditch on the snow on the way there. I was trying to figure out what to listen to on the one hour drive back, and put on The Tao of Pooh. And as soon as I started listening, the gun-to-my-head feeling started to melt away. This is your life. It's supposed to be fun. I'm going around on these adventures, exploring the state, meeting people, finding cool places, and questing for my fortune. If I can just relax, accept the world as the way it is, then this will be almost effortless. It's all about perspective.

We'll see how that holds up when I check a new place out tomorrow morning.
 
LAY 12

I got a surge in matches after Xmas. No effort on my part - normal swiping, no boosts - I think girls were just tired of the holidays. Match with a number of girls go on a few dates, a few flakes, a couple frustrating no-pulls. One of the girls I match with says she's out of town until the new year, but we should meet up then. We schedule a time and a place. We ping each other back and forth a few times meanwhile.

I ping her yesterday morning to confirm our date and she says it's on, but could we push it back an hour, since she's getting a wood delivery for the house she's flipping. Sure, np. Then around 5:30, she texts and asks me to give her a call. Okay... There's a snowstorm blowing through,

she says "I doesn't feel comfortable driving on the roads...."

I think "motherfucker - I drove in conditions like this constantly just to go to work in the morning. Fuckin' kids these days are so fuckin' soft. Don't know how to fuckin' drive. It's not even that fuc-"

"....so, I don't wanna be too forward, but if you just wanna come over and screw, that'd be cool."

"Fuck yeah! I fuckin' love kids these days!"

She gives me her address after a quick facetime, I head over, she offers me a drink (water, thank God, I'm so tired of drinking), and we go to her room. Now I'm kinda awkward - novel situation for me, and we're totally on her turf while she bustles around putting on music and stuff, but eventually I catch her when she's not doing much and we start making out. Down to the bed, tops come off, some making out - and then we fall into the normal getting-to-know-you date questions for about an hour. After a while we decide to get down to business, and I let her know she's gonna have to get me hard - she's a hot naked girl in bed with me, but I'm soft because our conversation has just been so casual and friendly and completely non-sexual. She responds happily by giving me a *awesome* bj, we fuck for a while, some more bj, and then I cum in her after she lets me know she's not gonna cum tonight since I'm a new guy. More cuddling, then it's getting late, so I head out. But she didn't even walk me out of her apartment - how inconsiderate! Lol. The whole night was hilarious to me, as it was definitely the most casual casual sex I've had.

In the meantime, met up with circus girl from my last post again. She's interested in going climbing, so I suggest we rope up at a gym. It's funny, because she's clearly built to crush - strong shoulders, narrow hips, good forearms - but she absolutely flails because she doesn't understand climbing movement. I take her to my van in the parking lot afterwards and we have some fun. I tease the shit out of her so she's on edge for her first orgasm for quite a while, then tie her up and make her cum 3 more times before I cum inside her. Plus she used the pee bottle I have in the van partway through, lol. She's such a fucking keeper!

Still moving slow on the financial front. Market was super slow during the holidays. Still made a few offers, but got blown out by others. From what my agent is telling me, my offers aren't the lowest and are pretty competitive from a raw numbers standpoint, and I'm pulling out all the stops on my concessions - but what's killing me is my lack of gap coverage. Competing offers are offering full gap coverage, which is simply beyond my risk tolerance. I just don't have an extra 60k lying around to cover a gap if my mortgage company's appraiser screws me.

But it's just a matter of time and legwork. Eventually I'll get something - just a matter of when. But I *do* wish it would happen sooner rather than later.
 
Svadhishthana said:
she says "I doesn't feel comfortable driving on the roads...."

I think "motherfucker - I drove in conditions like this constantly just to go to work in the morning. Fuckin' kids these days are so fuckin' soft. Don't know how to fuckin' drive. It's not even that fuc-"
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Love this lmao, the old "I don't get what I want because of that reason?" feeling. Glad you were pleasantly surprised tho, grats on the lay!

Svadhishthana said:
She gives me her address after a quick facetime, I head over, she offers me a drink (water, thank God, I'm so tired of drinking), and we go to her room. Now I'm kinda awkward - novel situation for me, and we're totally on her turf while she bustles around putting on music and stuff, but eventually I catch her when she's not doing much and we start making out. Down to the bed, tops come off, some making out - and then we fall into the normal getting-to-know-you date questions for about an hour. After a while we decide to get down to business, and I let her know she's gonna have to get me hard - she's a hot naked girl in bed with me, but I'm soft because our conversation has just been so casual and friendly and completely non-sexual.
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Wait you're allowed to say that? :) Man you definitely handled that better than when I had my first and so far only ONS at the girl's place, taking some straight value from this.

Svadhishthana said:
she lets me know she's not gonna cum tonight since I'm a new guy
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From my limited experience this is an arbitrary, bullshit claim. Managed to make every girl (sample size 2) who said this to me cum with some fingering, leading to "oh wow you're the first guy to make me cum on my first time with you" comments. It's just a trust/comfort thing, do a back and forth with some random embarassing life tidbits (awkward sex/masturbation stories work great) and her orgasm shall be freed from the binding shackles of mistrust. If you care about that.

We're all gonna make it,

Now
 
Thanks Now !

Now said:
From my limited experience this is an arbitrary, bullshit claim.
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You're probably right. Idk - this girl was different from most, just in how open and casual she was, so I trusted that she was pretty experienced and knew herself. Still, I probably should have tried harder. Lessons for next time!
 
Congrats on your lays. Tinder gave me a push notification on Jan 1st saying that's the busiest day of the year on Tinder. I've also noticed an increase in matches, but I live in a college town and girls are having exams and are being difficult about meeting new people.

About the orgasm thing, I might go against the grain a bit here but I don't really care if a girl cums or not. I try to burn some kratom before every date so I last a really long time, and I use vibrators and the Magic Wand and stuff, and I blindfold and tie them up... But if they can't finish, that's their problem.

Most girls have completely arbitrary reasons for not being able to cum and you're going to break your head over figuring this shit out. Most of the time it boils down to them needing to do some work on themselves. Just like guys with ED need to work on themselves too. We don't expect the girls we see to sort that shit out for us, it's our responsibility, right?

Also, part of the reason I dislike ONS is precisely because girls generally do need repeat-fucks and some kind of emotional bond in order to really enjoy sex with you. Casual sex is great and all but there are limits (for me personally) to how fun and fulfilling it can be.
 
Holden - thanks!

Yeah, I'm not super broken up about it, and I don't think she was either. We both had a good time and then I wrapped things up to get to bed at a reasonable hour. And if she wasn't expecting to orgasm, then it's not like I was disappointing.

Otoh, I can't shake a niggle in the back of my head that says I should have tried harder. Fingered her more, gone down on her, tried some more dirty talk to set a better mood. Maybe I could have made it happen, or maybe it would have just made me an incrementally better partner in the future. But on the other other hand, the whole fucking point is that sex is supposed to be fun, so if I'm constantly pushing myself to be better, then I'm not really enjoying the moment of "Oh yeah, I'm fucking this girl. This is what I wanted."
 
LAY 13
Had a bit of a dry spell after new years. Not really, since my circus girl is now coming around about once a week, but not really any new leads. A couple of my new years matches ended up being time wasters and I got catfished once.

But I matched with this pretty hot girl on tinder. She's super flirty, I'm being super flirty back, but she's saying there won't be sex on the first date since she's still getting over a break up. Great, whatever - we can still make out and I can try being naughty and touch her boobs in public, and maybe win her over. But the day of the date comes and there's a big ass blizzard, so we raincheck for yesterday.

Yesterday comes - she says she's vomiting in the toilet, so can we raincheck again? "I'm so sorry, I promise I'm not trying to avoid you." Sure, whatever. So we raincheck at 4. Meanwhile, I'd matched with another girl earlier that day and had just got her number. Replace my rainchecked date with her.

My dgaf energy is high going in. Her profile is right on my attractiveness edge, and I already had a date planned anyway, so fuck it. I show up, she shows up. She's cuter than her pictures, sweet!

We grab our beers and it is thankfully only slightly chilly outside - but good jacket temperature, which is great, since now we're the only ones out there. I head for a table, start to sit down, she heads for the opposite side. I abort, and obviously, *awkwardly* go around the table and sit next to her. She immediately leans her thigh against mine.

We talk for a bit. I just kind of ramble on about myself. She thinks I'm cool. We're about halfway done with our beers when I go for my signature move - "Oh, hey, before I forget - wanna kiss?"

We make out, chat some more. I ask if she wants to go to mine, she's down. I finish my beer and tell her to finish hers while I close. I drive her there and while driving, tell her that my bedroom is really Spartan right now because my life is chaos and I'm in the middle of moving, so don't think I'm a heroin addict because all I have is a mattress on the ground, a haul bag, a bag of dirty laundry, and a shoebox full of condoms and sex toys.

We get to my room. Now the part I'm nervous about - she seemed a little pudgy in her pics, and when I felt her up an bit at the brewery her midsection felt a bit squishy under her sweater. Clothes come off - fuck yeah, she's hotter than her pics! We fuck for an hour or two - she cums, I cum, we cuddle, I drive her home, a good time was had by all.

Fucking effortless. And my first time fucking a girl the same day I matched with her.

Life update:

Closed on a house in the mountains. But the seller wanted to stay two months after closing so he could move out and find a new place, so I'm currently in a holding pattern. With the time I have until I take possession, I'm doing some soundproofing in one of the rooms in my current house as a long-term value add, which will hopefully help in retaining tenants.

Honestly, it's been a rough month mentally. I blame the stress of going through closing, plus lack of natural daylight, plus dry spell, plus... I don't know - a sense of being stuck in molasses and flailing and going no where. But I feel like I'm getting back in the saddle now. I'm tracking my habits, goals, and todos again (on paper for now). I'm sleeping better. Meditating more. Every day, the day gets longer.
 
LAY 14

So I've basically been busting ass, stressing the fuck out, and drinking heavily for the last 2 months or so. I am now an additional half a million dollars in debt, making me a negative millionaire, and I'm hemorrhaging money each month as I need to pay the mortgage on the house I bought in addition to shelling out for tools and materials to rehab and furnish the place. My credit cards are maxed out, I'm sleeping like shit, and holy shit, why are cute lamps so fucking expensive??? But I'm almost there, and will hopefully be in the black again soon. However - these are not ideal conditions for getting laid, so I have not at all been trying lately.

But then I randomly matched this girl on tinder. First pic is vaguely bdsm-esque. Her kneeling, facing away from the camera, red light casting shadows, showing off her butt. We match, convo is super chill, I ask her out for a drink, she agrees.

I show up, and she's there. Just as cute as her pics, but she's tiny - must be 5' even or something. Kiss her immediately. We grab some drinks and find a secluded spot. One of the best dates I've been on, since she's just super cool. She works as an economist, so we talk about behavioral economics, the EMH, and the nature of risk. Super fun. I tell her about the van I built out - she says she has the same idea. Build out a van and live on the streets or on the road while working a professional job, then retire early. About halfway through the date, she reveals she has a side hustle - apparently she's also a sugar baby. She seemed a little nervous to admit it, but I don't give a fuck, so it was actually a fun conversation topic. Talked about sex work, apparently she has some friends who do onlyfans but has some ethical reservations about the business model.

We finish our drinks, and I ask if she wants to head out. She has roommates, so we head to my van and fuck for a couple hours. We make some vague plans for her to come up to my place next weekend to help me with decorating. Now she's making me a Pinterest board, lol.

All in all, she's fucking great and I hope she sticks around.
 
Svadhishthana said:
so we talk about behavioral economics, the EMH, and the nature of risk.
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The idea of discussing the EMH on a first date is funny lol, I feel like when you share somewhat niche common interest like that your chances of pulling go way up instead of talking about the usual generic topics. Good job, she sounds cool
 
Cool shit happening lately.

First, girl from lay 14 and I are texting, making plans for her to come up to my place in the mountains. I say some flirty things, and she responds that she doesn't think she wants to have sex again but still wants to hang. Obviously, I'm disappointed, and start thinking of what we did together, and where I might have fucked up - but I tell her it's fine, please still come up. I honestly wanted her help critiquing my decorating anyway, and she was just a cool person I'd want as a friend regardless.

So she shows up on a Saturday. I give her some hard seltzer and tell her to be super catty, and we go through the house making tweaks here and there, chatting the whole time. Once we wrap that up, I say - "Hey, thanks for helping out. We should jump in the hot tub before you leave." Because, I mean, there's a hot tub. It would be rude not to offer to someone who helped me out.

She says - "well, shoot, I didn't bring my bathing suit, so is it ok if I go in nude?"

"Sure, no problem. Nothing I haven't seen before."

Now - at this point I'm wondering if she's changed her mind. On one hand, she's getting naked in a hot tub with me. On the other hand, she's a sexually open girl who might just not think this is a big deal. I decide to play it cool. We get in, drink some more seltzer, talk for a while about various things - she has a 3 year plan to buy land and build on it and all sorts of things. Our feet are occasionally touching just slightly... she seems to be making the occasional sultry glance at me... I'm stealing the occasional look at her tits.... But she said she's not dtf, so she's not dtf. Until she says

"Hey, so about me not wanting to have sex with you again.... would it be okay if I changed my mind?"

I'm like "Dude, you're sitting naked in my hot tub, I've been trying to hide my boner for the past half hour." We immediately start aggressively making out and have some hot tub sex. Then we proceed to beta test every bed in the house. One of the beds has an awesome view of the mountains, so I fuck her doggy while we both enjoy it. While we're fucking, we're talking about fucking - she tells me to throw a leg over my shoulder so her pussy will be tighter. I tell her next time I should tie her up and torture her with a vibrator. She cums a few times, I cum, we high five, she heads out because it's getting late.

Later that week, I go live with the Airbnb, and bookings start coming in. Woohoo, solvency here I come!

So I've been working on automating Airbnb stuff and practicing cleaning the place. That way I can have definite cleaning standards, and pocket the cleaning fees in the short term to get myself out of debt faster. Just gotta wipe out my credit card debt and I'm putting in my two weeks.

LAY 15

As I'm driving back to town after cleaning the airbnb one day, I get an unexpected text. Literally months ago, I had a prospective tenant for my house. She was hot. But she decided the place wasn't a good fit for her, so I said - hey, now that we don't have any potential business... You're hot. Wanna go on a date? She said she'd love to, but wanted to move out of her current place first, so give her two weeks. Ok, cool, I text her 2 weeks later - she's still looking. I text her 2 weeks later - still looking, but "I won't forget about you, I promise!" Yeah, sure. I give her up as a dead lead and move on.

Then last week, she texts me "hey, what's up?" We message back and forth a bit, set up a date. I show up. She's still hot. We chat for a while. She likes to travel, likes her flexible nursing schedule for it, and is interested in FI. I've almost reached FI, so we go back and forth about it. We have a few drinks - way more than my usual "just one" policy, since she keeps flagging down the waitress and ordering another round. I ask for the kiss and she says "no, I'm shy in public". So I move my hand around her waist and pull her in, feeling her waist and hips and under her jacket. At one point as part of a joke, I pull my hand away - she acts offended and tells me to put it back. I do, look in her eyes, push her back just a bit, and she leans into the kiss. So much for being shy in public, lol. I ask her back to my place, and she agrees on the condition that we grab some tequila on the way - she pays for our drinks on the way out.

We get to my van, but now she seems distracted. She's poking around, making some lame conversation, seems to be trying to kind of avoid me. She sits down on the bed and says she doesn't want to have sex - she finds me attractive, and likes talking to me, and isn't looking for anything serious, but she wants more of an emotional connection and feels like the sex feels "forced" right now. She looks like she feels really bad about it, so I tell her it's totally okay, and she shouldn't feel bad about not having sex with someone, and give her a hug because she's so damn adorable, how could I not? But I tell her she has to do a shot of tequila with me before she goes, since she's the one who asked me to buy it anyway. I do a shot as she lays down on my bed, then I pass the bottle to her. I lay down next to her and we talk for a while - I'm thinking I'm not having sex tonight, which is too bad, but maybe I could score on a second date, but mostly I want her to feel comfortable and like I'm not mad at her for anything.

I she seems to be relaxing. I put my hand on her hand and she accepts in. We keep talking. Eventually, she moves my hand up to where it's on her boob. Welp, here we go! I lean in and kiss her while groping her. The rest doesn't take long. Her top comes off, I suck on her tits - pierced nipples, delightful! Her pants come off and I start playing with her pussy while she rubs my dick through my pants. She eventually just rolls over, sticks her ass in the air, and says "condom!" Lol, fuck yeah! I tease her a bit more before sticking it in, then have a delightful time fucking her from behind while she deepthroats my fingers.

She tells me to cum inside her - happily. I do, and then she looks a little annoyed. She says I should have told her when I was gonna cum so she could cum at the same time too. I tell her she needs to communicate her expectations better. We cuddle a bit until she says she needs to head out. I start kissing her again and running my tongue over her body and she gets turned on again. I keep teasing her, fingering her, squeezing her tits - she tells me she needs to get dressed, but she's smiling and clearly enjoying it. She gives me a quick deepthroat while bending down to grab her pants, and I grab her tits and pull her ass against my dick while she's bending over to tie her shoes. I walk her to her car and kiss her goodnight.

We text a bit later - she says she *maybe* wants to see me again. I say maybe isn't good enough. She responds "please, daddy". Fuck yeah.
 
Quick rant post.

Been on three dates recently which all resulted in no pull. Maybe I'm feeling entitled or some shit, but it's just got me feeling down. Hammering away at my life for the past few months, and then a month of suffering through strep throat, has really put dating on the back burner - but the last two dates I got pulled no problem. And I am probably looking at my past with rose colored glasses, only remembering the times when it worked out.

But all the same, it's just hitting my ego hard. I think the thing that really gets me is that I've been getting a decent number of matches lately without even really trying - no boosts or anything. And then prior to the dates, the girls have been super receptive over text. Like, being really compliant and accommodating and talkative. And then no pull.

First date - we match, I go through the template. I get her number and try to arrange a time. She texts me back the next morning and we agree on that evening. She shows up late, and is immediately unreceptive. We chat a bit, the convo is pretty stilted. She lets me know she actually got high before showing up. I try pushing a bit, and eventually she just says nothing's gonna happen because she's not digging my vibe. She tells me she just got out of a relationship and has just been fucking a bunch of guys, but "like, you're attractive, but it's just, like, a vibe, ya know?" This happens before we even get a drink. I try to spin it positively to myself - didn't waste my time, sobriety is better for my health. But it kinda fucked me up.

Date two. This one I've sure is a slam dunk. She's making jokes and writing paragraphs to me and we're flirting about getting handsy. She shows up, is really friendly. Super easy to talk to. The convo is great.... Kind of too great, I realize too late. It's totally platonic. And she'd been making subtle moves to enforce that from the start, I realize later - sitting farther away from me, things like that. I at least go for the kiss at the end of the night, but she isn't into it. I pitch a date the next day. "I just didn't get the vibe."

Date three, this evening. She's instantly down. I don't even finish the template before pitching the date - she says "I'm looking for something suuuuuper casual". She shows up, and is a bit chubbier than I was hoping for, but I decide to go for it anyway since she's cute. Convo is good. We step outside and walk around the block a bit - I go for the pull. "No" - with a smile. Ok, see ya. Ugh.

And they all hurt in their own way. #1 because she had some nice tits, which I like, but for some reason I keep getting ass girls. #2 because she was just genuinely a wonderful person to hang out with. And #3 because she was both 20 years old (which would have broken my 21yo age floor), and in an ENM relationship, which is a type that's on my todo list.

So now I'm just like.... what am I doing *wrong*???

A few things I can think of.

First, all three dates were in daytime. Every other date I've had in the daytime has also resulted in no pull. It's unfortunately logistically difficult to convince a girl to start a date at 8:30 or 9, which would be when night would start this time of year. They all have to be up for work in the morning.

Because it's daytime, and midsummer, I can't wear my jacket. While I was hesitant about it at first, Radical knows what he's talking about and it basically became my lucky charm. I feel like without it, my outfit is lacking depth. Tried to make up for it with necklaces and bracelets, but if this is the problem, I'm not solving it very well.

I haven't been sleeping great lately. The ongoing struggle.

But I think that really the problem is my attitude. I'm feeling kind of entitled to success here. I just finished up a major lift in my life, trying up loose ends and trying to reestablish my habits and routines. Just kind of chilling for a bit to recover. Dating still isn't a priority. And so the reality is, I'm just not trying that hard on the dates. I think "It's a recovery period. Take it easy. You aren't even taking dating seriously." And then I'm shocked when I'm not getting results. Contrast to last fall, when I would go on dates with the explicit intent of being so forward that I would get slapped. It being daytime definitely has something to do with it - I just feel less bold. I'm not going for it hard and fast. But really, that's just a weak ass excuse - it takes courage to be courageous, dumbass. If you're hesitant to do it, that means you need to.

Got another date lined up for Wednesday, and the sugar baby from Lay 14 is coming straight to mine tomorrow. So... fingers crossed.

But other good news in my life:
- After a month of being sick and feeling like shit, I found out that I didn't have COVID or Mono, but strep, which is basically instantly cured with antibiotics. Thanks science!
- I managed to sign two leases on my house that last through the winter. Just need to get one more signed, and it's the master, so it'll be the easiest one.
- My Airbnb is up and running. This month, it'll finally turn a profit!
- Job+LTR+STR income should start tearing through the credit card debt I've accumulated while setting up the Airbnb. Once I've cleared that debt, I'll be putting in my two weeks.
- I'm eating far healthier and drinking far less. I'm expecting to lose weight without much issue simply with good habits, exercise, and lower stress.
- I'm almost done with my climbing program, and will be able to have some less structured time on the wall soon, which is better for socializing.
- My motorcycle is working great, and is excellent fun to ride around town for errands and to ride to the mountains to do cleanings. And I smile when I head to the gas station these days, lol.
 
I definitely don't think it's your (lack of) jacket.

The time of day could be having you feel less bold, but just the time of date by itself doesn't matter too much, assuming correct framing.

Attitude/"vibe" seems much more likely, as you describe. Or it could just be bad variance, which happens quite a bit, even to guys that are successful. If this becomes a trend, it's something to look into, otherwise you could try recording your next few dates and having someone analyze them.
 
LAY 16 - 23 yo hair stylist

Had more or less not been paying attention to Tinder for weeks, not even swiping. Then, last week, got a match. She messages first before I even see her profile, so I assume it's a bot. But it's not a snap contact card - she opens with "I like your height". Lol, I'll take a freebee. She's cute, dyed hair, good body, piercings - my type. We message back and forth a bit, set up a date for last Tuesday. She seems happy and flirty, so I'm hopeful, but cautious. For a little extra motivation, I stop jerking off about 3 days before the date.

Tuesday rolls around. I'm a bit nervous, since I haven't been on a date in a while, and had a string of blowouts last time. But I'm also in a better headspace - I've lost some fat recently, my stress levels were down, and the PT had given me an amazing back crack that morning - so I try to just hope for the best.

I show up and she's already at the bar with a drink. She looks like her pictures - sweet. Convo is a bit stilted to start off, but I relax a bit and remember how flirty she was before, so go for the kiss about 5 min into the date, which blew off some of the tension. We talk about random stuff - life stuff, getting to know you, until we finish our drinks and I invite her back to my place. After a quick confirmation that there will be no kidnapping or murder, we head over.

Once she's in my van, it's easy. Lots of kissing, feeling her up. I lay her on the bed, take her clothes off, and play with her tits and finger her. I have her taste my finger and ask if she likes sucking on other things. In fact, she does, and is a fucking champ at BJ's - her signature move is taking me to the hilt and then holding there, letting me gently fuck her throat. Eventually I put a condom on and fuck her silly, making sure she cums a few times before asking if she wants me to cum in her mouth or her pussy. She wants it in her mouth. I haven't cum in two days, and we've been fucking for at least an hour, so I unleash a massive load into her mouth which she dutifully sucks down and swallows - holy shit this girl is amazing. Then we lay in bed cuddling for a while. We talk about literature and sex. Eventually get horny again, so I tell her to suck my cock - "yes sir". I fuck her again, she cums some more, I cum in her pussy this time, then cuddle for a while longer until eventually I kick her out so I can go to sleep. She asks if I want to see her again, and I tell her I'll hit her up next time I'm in town.

Life Update:
In a transition period right now. The Airbnb is up and running and mostly automated. I have someone doing the cleaning and someone doing the messaging, and right now I just need to take care of a few more tasks to improve my systems and prepare for winter, plus deal with the occasional crisis. In the meantime, I'm paying down credit card debt and kind of just waiting.

Honestly, this period has not been great for my mental health. When I was actually doing things for the bnb, I was too busy to care about anything, and that's not a bad state to be in. But now my brain is still in "do everything" mode, but the things that need doing are the little things - catching up on backlogs of other things in life I've been neglecting, which never seems to satisfy the part of my brain that thinks I'm still in crisis mode. All these little things need doing, and do have something of a timeline, so I can't neglect them - but at the same time, they don't have nearly as much urgency as tasks I was working on to get the bnb running. And they seem like an endless stream that will never end - which in many ways they are. Compounding this is the fact that I can't just fuck off and enjoy my life, since I am still very much in call for any issues that come up with the bnb. The end result being that I end up procrastinating on all my chores, and then feel like I never have any free time. Add on top of this that being in the van in Denver right now is brutal, temps topping 110* while I hammer away trying to develop software. So I'd definitely fallen into some kind of depression - not sleeping enough, eating poorly, drinking too much, etc.

So last week I finally, FINALLY wrapped things up enough to drive the van up to Wyoming and work from the forest there. It was magical. The air was cooler, the nights were quiet, I saw baby mooses roaming around, and I could wander the woods mostly in solitude. I stopped drinking, I started going to sleep earlier, my appetite decreased significantly, and my stress levels dropped. Since I tweaked my back training a bit, I started a mental training program which focuses on becoming more aware of your attention to enable you to better direct it.

Overall, I feel like I'm slowly clawing my way back into the saddle after totally pitching off of it earlier this year. It's a good feeling.
 
Damn, been a while since I posted an update. Not sure if this is the start of new dailies, but I'm just feeling like I need to recalibrate right now, so fuck it.

Part 1: Life

Anyway, my life has been a wild fucking ride. Since my last post, I basically started living in my van and moving it around the front range to chase good weather while staying within spitting distance of my bnb to solve issues as they came up. I'd racked up a lot of credit card debt getting the place up and running, so I kept my expenses to a minimum and just plowed all my income into paying off the debt. Paid it off around when I turned 31 in November. That was a big relief. Now I just wanted to make a little buffer of cash, and then I'd quit my job. Seeing as I would get my yearly bonus at the end of the year, I figured I'd wait until I had that in my pocket and then fuck off.

And then in early December, one of my tenants *fucking sued me* - or, threatened legal action against me. Enter: full on crisis mode, with consequential fast food eating, significant stress drinking, little sleeping, and overall fml vibes. I scramble to find a lawyer, find a guy, and over the course of a few stupidly stressful weeks we settle out of court. Merry fucking Christmas. What really burns me up is that I wasn't even doing anything wrong - she was just a bitch who had a weird legal leverage over me, and because of a few other things I won't go into, I desperately wanted to stay out of court. It cost me a big chunk of money and a lot of stress and mental health. Luckily, my friends and other tenants were there for me, confirming that I wasn't crazy and she was indeed a total psycho. Lesson learned: get shitty people out of your life asap - I should have kicked her out when I had the chance. She was my most high-maintenance tenant, and I was constantly making compromises with her to keep her happy. As a lifelong atheist, I hope the Christians were right, so I can laugh at her while she burns in hell next to me.

But finally. FINALLY everything is wrapping up. The Airbnb is stocked for winter and largely automated. I get all the rooms in my house filled again. We have a signed contract to drop my legal matter. I am *so* fucking tired of being in the Front Range. I have some friends climbing in Mexico, and that's where I want to be. I wanna be there for New Years to party hard, and I only have 3 days to get there. In an afternoon, I throw together all my gear, convert my Corolla to allow me to sleep in it, double and triple check that I have everything that will be necessary, and then get the hell out of dodge right as a massive snowstorm is descending on the Front Range. I drive straight west to try to outrun the storm, but the snow is already sticking, and it's almost white out conditions. I settle in behind a truck and just follow their tailgate for a few hours, letting them find the road and set the speed. Around midnight I break out of the storm and start cruising down the obscure highways of eastern Colorado, making a giant diagonal line towards San Antonio.

Yeah, sex is great and all, but have you ever passed a semi in the inky winter darkness, speeding at 90mph away from all your troubles and towards everything you've ever wanted?

Fueled by adrenaline and desire and that good ol' gas station swill coffee, I keep driving until 3 or 4 in the morning. Past Amarillo (rhymes with Armadillo, for the linguistically impaired) I pull off a lonely highway off ramp and drive a mile down a dirt road into the endless plains of Texas. The air is cool but not frigid here, and as I lay down in bed I look out the car window at empty plains and a big sky full of stars. I don't know what it is, but I sleep better for 3 hours on the edge of a farmers field than I've slept for months. At sunrise, I take a quick piss on the side of the road, then jump in the driver's seat and hit a U turn before some good ol' boy comes poking around with a shotgun.

West Texas wears on me as I roll through the hours, occasionally pulling over to the side of the road to respond to slack messages or poke around in a log file to answer someone's question. Hours and hours and hours of grey-green scrub oak. Maybe it's the coffee and sleep deprivation, but I always feel nauseous driving through this part of the country. By the late afternoon I make it to San Antonio to grab a few things from the store and a burrito for dinner. Holy shit. Everyone is fat here. I really do live in a bubble in Colorado. I keep trucking down south until I reach a rest stop just north of the border. I park next to a high top van with Quebec plates and climbing stickers - clearly friends headed to my same destination. I cross the border first thing in the morning, register my car with the Mexican "government", and pull a fistful of pesos out of an ATM. Driving south, I'm reminded of how in Mexico, laws are based more on feelings than on facts. To pass on the highway, it is expected that you drive directly towards the other passing car in the opposite lane, swerving right just before you collide. Mexico, in a word, is great.

A few miles more and I'm at my camp. The grass is patchy, but green. I pull in beside my friends' cars past a collection of Elements, Sprinters, and Foresters parked near dozens of tents. It's sunny and warm. In the communal kitchen, guys with patched puffies and girls with tattered yoga pants mill about, making plans to climb, cook dinner, get drinks, go to town. I feel like I made it. I'm home. I'm safe. And it's amazing. Everything is stupid cheap and we make steak and pork tacos every night - or else get some of the excellent local bbq. Almost all the beer we buy, we buy in 40s - a normal can seems downright dainty in comparison. On weekdays I meditate in the jungle, work a few hours beside the pool, train with my kettlebells, and maybe get a few pitches in before or after work. On weekends, I spend the whole day out at the crag climbing. Making friends is easy - it's actually easier to make friends than to not make them. Simply brewing up my morning coffee or walking down the street, I'm liable to strike up a conversation with someone almost by accident. As I look around here each day, the word that keeps coming back to my mind is Paradise. I feel like I'm in Paradise.

And then shit goes wrong. I get an Airbnb message telling me that my hot tub seems to not have any water in it. In the middle of winter. While I'm in Mexico. Fuuuuuck. I give the guest a partial refund and get my hot tub guy on the job, with some help from some friends to try to troubleshoot/maintain it in the meantime. Repair guy says he needs to wait for replacement parts to arrive. Double fuck. Luckily there's a gap in my bookings, and I just block the dates. The part arrives, but gets held up at the post office and I have to ask a friend for a favor to grab it, causing more delays. And now that the part is there, my hot tub guy is sick. Uuuuggh. But he makes it over the day before some guests are arriving for a 3 week stay. I'm really hoping the tub will be up and running before they get there, when my hot tub guy texts me - he tried to fill the tub, but the spigot isn't working. The whole house seems to have lost water. Fuuuuuck. Fuck. I call on another friend to do me a favor and poke around at it asap and start calling plumbers and handymen like crazy. But it's too late - people can't stay at a place with no water, so I let the guests who are coming know and work out getting them a comp. FINALLY I get a plumber to commit to coming out and looking at the problem. Over the course of a couple days, he figures out the issue - the pipe going from my well to my house was never buried below the frost line. It froze and cracked. Only thing to do is dig the whole thing up and rebury it after breaking through enough bedrock to actually put it below the frost line. But good news: he'll be able to do all that for me for a cool 10 grand. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Honestly, it's not the *worst* case scenario - but it did just wipe out several months of profit for me from *both* my houses. And then today, the plumber tells me he's running into more delays, since apparently his wife has had a heart attack. Holy shit, guys, am I cursed? I remind myself that I'm lucky my company's finance department dropped the ball this year, and I'm still working because they haven't given me my bonus yet.

And yet, through all of this, I'm actually relatively calm. It doesn't feel like the end of the world. Just another issue to deal with. And it feels this way because, otherwise, my life is great. I'm onsighting 11+, making new friends every day, eating well. And then a couple days ago, I send my first 12a - a major, major milestone I've been working on for years. And then 2 days later, I send another. And then the next day I send another. Holy shit, I'm on a tear! And climbing 5.12 means I'm finally one of the cool kids!

And even better. If anyone scrolls back through this log, they might notice that I've been suffering from a kind of athletic chronic pain for years. I just always seem to be getting hurt - elbows, shoulders, knees, ankles, back, neck, wrists. I can't seem to go more than a few months without incurring some kind of tweak or overuse injury. But then here, I made a new friend who told me about a book called "The Way Out" which addresses this issue of chronic pain that keeps recurring and doesn't go away. Basically it argues that this pain is psychosomatic, and the way to stop it isn't to fix a physical problem. Instead, it is to practice mindfulness towards your pain. When it appears, approach it with curiosity and without judgement. Feel the actual feeling that is causing the pain without labelling the feeling as bad. As you do this, you train your brain to stop firing the pain response inappropriately. I tried it, and it worked for a few minor things. But then came a test - I woke up on Tuesday to try to send one of those 5.12s before work. As we approached the crag, I felt a niggle in my upper back, but ignored it. I sent, but after returning to the ground, I felt that part of my back tighten. It was definitely hurt. Fuck. This might hamstring me for months. But then I calmed down and remembered the mindfulness techniques. I practiced them each time my back hurt all that day and night, then woke up the next day with the same intention - to send a 5.12 before work. My back was stiff, and I was having doubts - but I kept practicing, telling myself "It's fine. It's just psychosomatic, maybe a little cramping. Nothing to worry about" while I did a bit of band work to warm the area up. On the send go, I felt the area ache a bit, but was too focused on the climbing to pay it much mind. But after I clipped the chains and lowered, I noticed something - my back felt *better*. And then it didn't seize up again later in the day. It was just a bit sore, but no big deal. Holy shit, it feels like a goddamned miracle! Years of struggling with constantly being in pain and feeling like I'm fragile and broken, and I finally found a solution, and it fucking works, holy shit YES!

And related - I re-read the opening to my meditation book. It describes moving into a meditative state gradually in 4 steps. Step 1 is to let attention wander freely among the sensations the body is experiencing from the outside world, like sounds, light, warmth, etc. Step 2 is to let attention wander freely among the inner sensations of the body. Step 3 is to let attention wander freely among the sensations of breathing. And Step 4 is to focus solely on the meditation object - typically, the sensation of the breath as it passes through the nose. In all these steps, the objective is to keep attention focused in the present moment, bringing attention back when you notice it has been caught up thinking about the future or the past. When a sensation feels good, you savor it. When it feels bad, you try to differentiate between the sensation itself, and your judgment of the feeling as "bad". And when you feel tension, let go of it, falling into relaxation. The book notes (and I missed this crucial part the first time I read it) that it is perfectly fine for a beginner to spend their *entire session* in Step 1, you should only move on when you feel quiet and relaxed at each stage, and that going back a step is fine as well. This has been an excellent revelation for my meditation sessions - but more importantly it has been amazing for falling asleep! Before, I would get caught up in all the thoughts coming into my head. I could try to push them away and relax, but in the absence of anything else, they would rush back in. Trying to focus on something else, like relaxing, or breathing, or how much I really really really needed to get to sleep would typically just wake me up more. But then I thought - what if I just used my meditation technique for steps 1 and 2? Relax, let go, *but let attention wander freely* as long as it stays in the present moment. This avoids creating a vacuum in my mind that thoughts tend to fill, while also being completely passive so I am not waking myself up!

Part 2: Girls

And now, finally, the reason I'm posting here. Girls. When I left to come down here, I thought I knew the drill. It's a climbing spot. A bunch of dirty smelly dudes with maybe a handful of women who are already paired off to the few guys lucky enough to lock them down. Why would I give a shit about trying to get laid? My odds are somewhere between zilch and none. Time to chill out, hang with the bros, and resign to rubbing one out in your sleeping bag each night. But.... Something changed. The gender ratio seems way more equal than I remember. And there's a bunch of single women. And they're *hot*. And they're... making eyes at me? Wtf? I was not prepared for this. And as such, I have totally dropped the ball and blown all my opportunities here. The moves I've made have been slow and timid and honestly cringeworthy. A selection:

G: Amazingly cute girl who showed up with two older guys. Comp climbing background, so was easily climbing harder than most guys there, but happy and bubbly. Initially ruled her out because of how she's showed up with other guys - but then a friend got a few of us together and handed out tabs of acid. I got a relatively low dose which just made me happy and playful and four of us hung out together exploring some ruins and playing games. She keeps making excuses to be with me - jumping on my team for hide and seek, 2v2 soccer, etc. She's making very strong eye contact. At one point I make a joke to her about how the four of us should have an orgy and suddenly she's fascinated. But after a few poor performances, my mood drops. She loses interest and gains interest again in the guy who organized the thing, and he ends up getting the lay.

L: Average face, but really athletic body. Initially wrote her off since she showed up with another guy, but it turned out they were just friends. She seems interested - I suggest we go out and I'll belay her on her project on her last day, since I've already sent it. But I hesitate in pushing things in a sexual/romantic way. Finally, after we finish the climb, I make a shit, half hearted pass, which she shuts down - "you're great, but I've kinda got a complicated thing going on with a guy back home."

M: shows up one day in the kitchen for breakfast. Sharp features, thin, and a nice ass. She lobs a few questions at me before I've had my coffee and I fight through the haze to try to answer in a coherent way. A few of the other guys start chiming in and district her - but then she pointedly comes back to me. We're both working remotely, so I suggest we get out after work since we're on the same schedule. Same problem as before - I hesitate, pitch too late. She kinda laughs at the question and I let the silence hang, and then drop it since my brain blanks out. After, she keeps being friendly, but not quite *as* friendly. Get to know her better - she is quitting her high paying job to take a different high paying job, new York based, and poly. Makes a few offhand comments about how she "likes hanging out with hot people and having sex with them". Yesterday I finally get tired of the ambiguity - find her alone and ask her point blank in an autistic way. "No, sorry, I'm not interested. I'm just really friendly."

Si: Meet her at the local climbers coffee shop where we rope her into a game of cards during her shift because we need a 4th. Very cute, Mexican, working in the cafe for the winter. I pitch getting out sometime, but then day-of she flakes - but says I should come by the shop later the next day to hang out. I'm busy, so I give a non-committal answer. Probably a dead lead, but not explicitly so yet.

Ka: See her around camp for a few days hanging out with an older couple. Really nice ass. Figure they're a family here on a trip, so I don't wanna make a pass since that would be weird. But I run into their group at the crag one day and say hi - she smiles and seems receptive. I get on the proj and start climbing, and spend a few minutes shaking out at the good rest. While I'm there, I see her climbing a few routes over and ask her how her route's going - she seems more receptive. She's also taken her shirt off in the sun, and goddamn, she is smoking hot! After my burn, I rest and wander over and strike up a convo with her "dad". Actually a super cool guy who is *not* her dad, just a friend, and he's here with the older woman who is his girlfriend. They're all super friendly and tell me about how they're going to the brewery that night for some live music. I end up going with, and she is very much making herself available, suggesting we sit alone together, prodding me to get a beer, buying me another beer. I'm trying bit by bit to escalate physically with a bit of touching - she's neutral to this, but remains friendly and engaged in the conversation. Eventually it seems like it's not going anywhere, and my friend I'd given a ride to is saying they want to sleep, so we head out. The next day is her last in the country, since she has to go home to work for a bit and then travel to Spain. But we exchange contact info since she said she'll be in the Front Range in the spring. After she leaves, I text her to keep her interested. She finds my Facebook and friends me. We message a bit there until I tell myself to put up or shut up and make a sexual joke. After a *very* long pause, she responds positively and keeps the convo going. So another line in the water.

Kr: Get absolutely sloshed one night and end up jumping in random cars to hit the different breweries in town. End up at one place celebrating their anniversary with 50 peso craft beers and a combo of a Mexican pop punk band and a Reggae Trance dj. End up hitting the dance floor and dancing with a Czech hottie with red hair and glasses. Totally forget her name or to get her info, as I'm just super wasted. But run into her at another bar not too long after, and she immediately sees me, is very friendly, and goes out of her way to get my contact info. So maybe still a hot lead.

St: Half Asian, half Mexican girl from Toronto. After a night of hard partying, I head to the crag with no goals or intentions or partners, figuring I could work off the hangover with a walk and maybe climb a bit if I was feeling up to it. I see a guy I'd met partying last night walk up the trail and say hi, and St is with him and another guy. She's not even much of a climber, but is down here hanging with her mom and avoiding the Canadian winter while working remotely. We chill at the base of the crag and talk about some getting-to-know-you stuff. She talks about how she tells all her friends to date climbers because of the forearms. She is getting more into the sport, but is sad because it will callus up her hands and she doesn't want to lose her soft skin which has apparently been the source of some handjob compliments in the past. But her and the other guy there seem to have a thing going on, so I don't push too far, and fail to get her contact info. Fuck.

V: VC based Asian girl. M meets her at the crag and invites her to a game night at our camp. We end up on the same team, and she seems interested in getting to know me, despite the fact that she's there with two other guys who are way more jacked. I run into her a couple more times at the crags, and each time she's receptive to my moves to spend more time with her. But I'm still confused, since she still seems to be giving off vibes that she's dating one of the guys she's there with.

Ok, here's the part that hurts. M says there's a good party happening at one of the climber bars, so me and a few friends head over after cooking dinner to see what's up. M is there hanging with V and her friends. I slide in next to V and start chatting. Her maybe-is-maybe-isnt-boyfriend hurt his ankle in a lead fall that day, and they're all getting pretty sloshed, as another of their friends is leaving for Canada the next day. V finishes her marg and proposes going back to my camp to get another, so the group heads over there and we grab them. Chatting there for a bit, I decide to grab a jacket, and V asks if she can see my rig. So we head off alone, together at night to check out my bed - and I fucking blow it. I don't make a move. Goddammit. We return to her friends, who are waiting on us. Her not-boyfriend pulls a bro move and peels off, saying he's tired and wants to head to bed with his marg. That leaves just me, V, and her now extremely drunk, not very attractive, and extremely basic friend. We head back to the bar for the party vibes with our drinks. Now, I wanna get laid. But I'm also tired - I woke up early to get a hard send in before work, spent the day being frustrated by software problems, and then ate a large dinner, and now it's getting to midnight. Getting back to the bar, I want to go for the close asap, since I knew I just dropped the ball - but her friend is being super fucking annoying, not leaving us alone and boring us by dominating the conversation talking about her job. I know I should figure out a way to ditch her and isolate V, but I am just at a loss for how to execute this move. Eventually, we get a bit cold and head over to the fire to warm up. V's friend leaves us for a moment to get drinks, and I think, again - here's my chance. I could pitch that we leave the bar to look at the stars or some shit. But I don't fucking make a move and the moment passes, other people coming back to talk, including her annoying ass friend. And then I just get royally fucked.

Now, for context, this is a climber camp. Probably 1/3 of the people here don't have jobs or permanent addresses. Any given person is liable to be high on acid, shrooms, or weed at any given time. Several people are doing stick and poke tattoos and haircuts in the camp to make ends meet. A couple days ago, my friend and I started making a list of long-term residents in camp who appeared to be somewhat autistic, and our conclusion was that it was *most* of the guys in camp (ourselves included). The idea of having "game" is just completely foreign here. So imagine my horror when a guy swings by the campfire just running game *hard*. He's loud and ridiculous and is grabbing everyone's attention. Gets the girls dancing and starts the dance party back up again. And has his eyes locked on V. And I'm just sitting there like "fuck". I don't even know what to do now. After the girls start dancing, he comes over by the fire and starts chatting to me - brings her up in the convo and is like "so is she your girlfriend?" Eg - "hey bro, imma fuck your girl tonight". And I'm furious, but have no tools to deal with this situation, so I try to just remain calm while I join the party and watch him absolutely play her like a fiddle. I'm angry. I can feel it on my face and hope no one else notices. But I remain cognizant enough to *try* to see this as a learning experience - watching the guy and trying to understand what he's doing, while trying to get comfortable with the whole party vibe instead of being an uncomfortable stiff. Eventually I go to take a piss, and when I come back, V and her friend are saying they want to go to sleep. I agree and we head back. It's a long, cold, and uncomfortable-for-me walk back to camp. I'm trying to stay positive and happy in the convo as we go back, but again, V's friend is dominating it with stupid shit. As they break off to go to their camp, V says she still wants to climb together again before she leaves, and we part ways without making concrete plans. My head is spinning with rage as I go to bed. I can't be mad at the guy. He was just trying to get laid, just like me. He was just better at it. The only person I can blame is myself, for not knowing what to do to put myself in the right position, for not knowing how to push back on his advances, and most of all, for just dropping the ball again and again and again and again. Basically, I'm mad at myself for being a fucking pussy.
 
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